Hello, my intended...

Yes, it's us... Back on the air after being pre-empted a few times at the behest of that parent's organization that thinks Bobo is a poor role model... To be blunt, ladies... If your kid turns out like me, you REALLY screwed up... Turn off the set. You can do it... Cut the lifeline of the chattering cyclops and then, I dunno... Read a BOOK. Talk a WALK. Play a GAME. Most importantly, be a flippin' PARENT... You've tried everything else... Take the goddamn REINS and maybe your kid WON'T be a Jerry Springer story... It could happen...

With that said, it comes to my attention that my opponents in the upcoming pay-per-view are feeling a little... Apprehensive.... As it gets closer and closer to their time in the meat grinder they say more and more ridiculous crap that really is just an insult to the intelligence of you fans... Caster... Do we have the transcripts?

Sure do, Bobo... I gotta warn ya, though... Alot of it is pretty much gibberish...

Could you be a pal and cite an example or two? It helps pad the show... Heh.

Uh, okay... Here's a funny one... Fuego says that when you gave him a nod you were kissing up... He also says you're the Champ of Taking a Head Shot and Being Too Stupid to Fall Down... Interspersed thoughout is the standard boilerplate about being quick and agile and yadda yadda yadda....

Hmmm.... Well, Fuego, obviously you've let a little praise go to your head... My acknowledging that you're an honorable type and as close to a worthy foe as that ring lotto coughed up is hardly what could be considered 'kissing up'... I acknowledge that on a PERSONAL level, you're an okay sort that's caught a few bad breaks in close matches... On a PROFESSIONAL level, however, you need to wade back across the Rio Grande and go back to wrestling school, only THIS time... STAY AWAKE IN CLASS... All that speed you're so proud to have, and I matched you move for move... Not bad for a several hundred pound monster, is it? No, clearly not... As an added bonus, I also have STRENGTH, SKILL, and STAMINA enough to make THREE of you from scratch... As for there no putting out that fire, I agree... You can't RE-EXTINGUISH a match any more than you can RELIGHT it. What else do we have, Caster?

Well, we got some VERY interesting stuff from the Incredible Changing Phil...  And I quote, 'And, Bobo, who the hell knows what he's doing??  He's probably playing my favorite game,"Spank the Monkey", with Stalingrad in his "secret" location.  Why so secret??  So no one can hear the screams of the molestees, Bobo??'"

Sigh... When will they ever learn...? First off, I don't believe anyone ASKED you what your favorite game is, Phool... Although your choice for a personal favorite - pardon the pun - comes as no surprise, I really don't see why you have to drag Yurine into your sick little fantasies... You're more like a day-old cream puff... A little crusty on the outside, but still nothing but CAKE in the big picture... Too bad I don't LIKE sweets, though... You're going to be thrown away like the wretched refuse you are... In fact, since you've got pastry on the brain of late, your new name is Duncan Donut... Heh. It's a fitting name, since a donut looks exactly like a ZERO... As for the screams of these so-called molestees, Duncan, it's more of your Freudian projection and the fans already know it... Don't worry, though, I won't tell anyone about you being a Charter Member of the North American Man/Boy Love Association...

Oops... You kinda goofed on that one Bobo... Not that anyone's SURPRISED that Phi - er - Duncan has a NAMBLA card, of course...

Hmm... I guess I DID goof that one up... Tsk Tsk Tsk...

Isn't the old saying something like 'being as happy as a faggot in Boystown'?

That it is, Caster, but I digress... What else do we have from Team Hopeless?

Well, Cactus Jackoff says - between teethings on that barbed-wire bat - that, and this is a little weird... Quote: "Bobo after that rumble and we finally get our hands on each other I'm gonna be the one that is gonna make your @$$ have Testicular Fortitude with ever stepping foot in the ring again!"

He's going to make my @$$ have BALLS? Isn't that DUNCAN's schtick? First of all, ManCactusLove, no matter HOW long you chew on that bat, those pearlies are not going to grow back... Sorry, but it has to be said... Further, I wouldn't be in such a damn hurry to get killed if I were you... I'm not going to kill you... Quick. No, no, no... For such a decorated has-been as you, you get the GRAND TOUR of HELL before I nail the coffin shut with your TEETH... You've got a BIG DAY ahead of you when I help you drop sixty pounds of useless fat... BY TEARING OFF YOUR HEAD... Don't worry, though, I'll only throw your SKULL out of the ring before I start maiming the rest of your Hardcore Revulsion Crew...

I thought it was the Hardcore Revolution, Bobo...

So did the fans, Caster... So did the fans... What's next?

Well, Verbal's gone into hiding because that little Chinese guy cracked him with a Singapore Cane... But, he'd be happy to fight you Tuesday, for a hamburger today...

Not bad, Caster... You're learning...

Thanks...

Still, those claims of injury need to be addressed... That Ho Lui character is about, what, a buck-fifty?

More like a hundred and forty, from the shots I've seen of him...

Fine... And he put Babble out with a chunk of bamboo?

That's the story...

Hmmm.... Well, aside from visiting the hospital to make sure Babble makes it to the festivities, let's go over here to the closet for our Special Helper....

....and moreover, that silly American Fiendish... He is....

Right here.

GASP!

Get out of the damn broom closet and put away that stupid camera, Yurine... Your old pal, Bobo, has a special job for you...

No... Please... Just leave me alone... I don't wanna do anymore special jobs...

YURINE! This isn't going to be another day of Q-Tipping the kitchen floor, I promise... Just come out of the closet... NOW!

Wh-What are you going to do to me now, you sociopathic, elitist, bourgeiousie?

Simple, Yurine... I'm going to give you this Singapore Cane...

I don't want it... It's a trick...

Nonsense... You take this damn cane right now...

I won't! You're up to something, and I won't be your pawn... That's probably some sort of exploding cane, or you're looking for an excuse to beat me up... Either way, I'm not going along with it...

YURINE! Pay attention! YOU will TAKE this CANE, NOW... Is that CLEAR?

-Glk!-

And then, you are going to BEAT ME with it...

-SGLK?-

That's right... You can do that, can't you?

-Gilmikkl...?-

No, nobody else is going to do anything to stop you... No harm will come to you, I promise... Ready?

-GASP!- Why? Why do you want ME to do this?

Well, although Caster IS bigger and stronger than you, he may subconsciously 'hold back'... Since YOU hate the crap out of me, the fans won't think it's a setup... Besides, a deal's a deal... As my valet, you MUST do as you are TOLD...

And you WANT me to beat you with a Singapore Cane? What does that prove?

Well, since Babble figures being clocked with one by a little tiny Chinese last week can help him weasel out of the big PPV, I'd show the fans at home what a bunch of CRAP that story is by having a guy TWICE the size of that Ho Lui fella crack me in similar fashion... You get the honors... Can you handle it?

HELL YEAH! Er... I mean, since you are so determined to be destroyed by the Superior Soviet Superman before the capitalistic plot that is the 'pay-per-view', who am I to deny you...?

Thattaboy... Let's see whatcha got...

<WHACK> I hate you! <WHACK!> I hate everything you represent! <WHACK> You are EVIL in the flesh <WHACK> and must <WHACK> be destroyed! <WHACK> You insult my country! <WHACK> You make me wear this stupid dress! <WHACK> You make me eat those VILE <WHACK> APPLE <WHACK> PIES! <WHACK WHACK WHACK> DIE! <WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK>

There you go... Isn't it better to let it all out sometimes?

???? How the HELL are you still standing? What sort of a FREAK ARE YOU? I broke the freakin' cane into strips, and you're STILL standing! How is it POSSIBLE?

Well, while Cactus said Pain is the only friend he has, he should've asked if she had a Big Brother... You can go back to your closet and play Secret Agent now... Shoo... Off with you...

I don't understand... How can he still be STANDING? HOW? He's just ONE MAN... I broke the cane... He should be DEAD... HOW?

There, there... Back in the closet with you... Here's your camera... You like your camera, don'tcha? Here it is... Shhh... It's alright... Back you go...

You really are starting to have a way with him, Caster...

Yeah, well, I have a kid that's pretty precocious... I figure if I can calm HER down after a box of candy, Stallie shouldn't be too much trouble... You really took him outta his game with that trick cane...

Oh, I forgot to tell you... They were all out of trick canes at the store... I had to give him a real one...

WHAT? And you STOOD THERE while he WAXED you with a REAL SINGAPORE CANE? Christ!

No...  I'm Bobo. Christ is up North...

I'm starting to not feel so bad about losing those matches to you before...

Glad to help... And that brings us to the Helpful Tip of the Week... 'Pain is nature's method of showing you your limitations. If can overcome it, you HAVE NO LIMITATIONS.' So get a couple friends and a stout cudgel and go out to the backyard and work each other over... You'll be better people for it, and that's a fact... If it wasn't for all those COPS just pounding on Bobo all those years, he wouldn't be the monster he is today...

Hold on, Bobo... We still have to do the commercial...

Eh? What's the big product this time?

The Hard Luck Showdown Pay-Per-View...

When is it?

March 17th, 1999...

What's the big draw?

Four rings. Twenty men. Two belts...

There. Commercial's done... Happy?

Yeah... Thanks...

You're welcome... See you SOON.