Certainly seems like there is a God, after all, doesn't it? Too bad He doesn't like any of you....

Case in point... The battle royal for St. Patrick's Day is truly looking like my lucky day... Not ONLY do I get to lay my hands on that bottom dwelling scum Mick Foley, but I ALSO get Smokey, Sucko Phool and the worthless shell of a wasted career that I know as Babble... St. Patrick's Day, indeed... I say it's CHRISTMAS... Heh.

You know, if you took all four of my unfortunate opponents and mashed them into one person - which isn't a bad idea in itself, mind you - you could have enough concentrated wrestling talent to make Al Snow's kid brother... Yellow Snow... Let's examine the individual ingredients of this recipe for a twinkling, shall we?

We have Smokey's high flying and luchadore spirit... ExFoley's ability to absorb punishment... Sucko Phool's... Hmmm... Well, whatever the hell he has, I forget... And finally, Babble's one-man propaganda campaign... Sadly, each of their strengths and specialties - even as a cohesive collective - is  not going to be enough to overcome the Angel of Death Most Exalted... Well, maybe Babble could talk my ears off, but he'll find that pretty hard to do after he swallows his own legs to the knee... His momma always said he'd get his foot stuck in that big yap someday, I'm told... I don't think she believed that it would actually happen in the LITERAL sense, but she didn't know he'd mouth off to something like me and not be able to make it to the getaway car... Sorry, Mom, but your Little Gunther isn't coming home... All at once, anyway... Heh.

Now, you might say that I'm giving undue attention to Babble... This is because with the possible exception of ExFoley, I don't actually HATE my opponents... Smokey is an honorable little fellow, and actually enjoys a measure of respect from Bobo... Not too many people in general would fight me more than once, and that's not even considering he did so with a 100+ pound weight disadvantage. Certainly, he has proven himself time and again in this promotion... While the limelight of a championship reign remains ever elusive to him; rather than wallow in self-pity or indulge in self-delusion, he continues to strive doggedly onward... This is worthy of applause. And while a bad draw has placed this new title beyond his grip at the nonce, I have no doubt he shall at least make me work for it... This pleases me...

As for this Hardcore Homo... Sigh. I thought you were going to start being honest with yourself, Phool... You can't possibly expect that ONE move is going to carry you along the rest of your career, yet all I hear from you is 'Homo's Revenge' This and 'Homo's Revenge' That... As a friendly reminder, law enforcement officials use that exact same hold to 'choke out' urban hoodlum types... Sadly, that hold is not very effective against such as I... You don't lack determination, mind you, but the most determined safecracker in the world is not going to open many doors with just one tool and no skill... Heh.

ExFoley, well.... What haven't I said about this toothless bag of pork rinds? He's useless, helpless, and hopeless - and those are his STRENGTHS... Mind you, that little piggy squeal he does when you tear him a new one is somewhat gratifying... He'll learn that the NWF is no place for his hackery, and in a couple years - when he can eat solid food and maybe WALK again - Vinnie Mac will let him come back to the Circus... Jim Ross should be retired by then, and the WWF can always use an otherwise worthless freak as a color commentator... Hell, Mick, if they let the Red Rooster wear the headset, they'll probably let YOU...

That brings us back to Babble... YOU, Gunther, I'm going to save for LAST... Your only hope of survival is to leap over the ropes BEFORE I GET TO YOU; and even then, if I were you, I'd have Steve waiting in the parking lot with the motor running... Tiger isn't going to get between us this time, Gunther... He's not around... You won't be either, for long... I'm going to see how many pieces of you I can tear off and throw into the crowd before you give up and die... I'll start with the part that's so locked into your limited vocabulary... It should make some lucky fan a SPIFFY little changepurse; as long as they don't try to carry more than a DIME...

Remember, fans, after the show, each of you that FINDS a piece of Gunther will be able to trade it in for a free ticket to another show, on ME... Just don't get cute and try to give back imitation tidbits... I'll know. And I'll FIND YOU.

You're welcome... See you SOON.