Hello, my intended....

Well, well, well... Yurine wants to give ME a history lesson, eh? Fine. Let's check the Almanac... Ah... I see I WAS mistaken regarding Nikolai Volkoff beating Bruno back in 1971, and that is was indeed Ivan Koloff... As you can see, since all Russians bear similar visages (bald heads and beards), even one of my amazing intellect has trouble telling one from another... Now, let's examine Ivan's title reign... Certainly someone who beat a guy that was Champion for eight long years would be skillful enough to retain it for a similar length, eh? Let's see... Ivan beat Bruno on January 18, 1971... He held that title until Pedro Morales came along THREE WEEKS LATER on February 8, 1971... You'll further notice that no Russian held the world title for the WWF SINCE... That's, what, almost TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS, right? Boy, Ma Russia certainly takes her time between lucky bums, don't she? Heh. Nice try about covering your own error, though... Purposely misnamed, he says... Heh. I guess Yurine'll have a grudge against Mexico now...

Yo, Bo... He's here, aight?

Any trouble getting him, GC?

Nah... I told him 'President Flair' wanted to see him regarding a 'push', and he jumped right in the van...

Fairly stupid fellow, then, isn't he?

Yeah, well, u kno... He's Russian... That's close enough to Poland to mix right?

Certainly... Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present our special guest... Barry Darsow!

This doesn't LOOK like CNN Center... What's going on?

Azmodeis, GC, make our guest comfortable... There's much to discuss...

What the? Leggo! Hey! Why are you strapping me to this chair?

Well, Barry, I seem to recall that y0u were once known as Crusher Kruschev... A Russian, correct?

What? That was YEARS ago... Why?

Well, since we know that you were a Russian, it stands to reason that you STILL ARE... After all, you can't change where you're from...

What? Hey, man... That was a gag... Ivan was injured, and since him and Nikita were a tag team, the NWA needed another Russian... I figured, what the hell, a push is a push...

Don't deny your heritage, Crusher... No good can come of it...

Listen, man... I've done LOTS of corny gimmicks... You can't believe that any one of them are real...

Are you saying that being a Communist Russian is a corny gimmick?

Well, at first - during  the Cold War - it was pretty much an instant heel... All the hate you need for recognition, and all you gotta do is a doofy accent... Mind you, nobody THESE days would be stupid enough to try something that LAME... Without the Red Scare to worry about, and most of the country killing each other and starving, it's not the recognition any modern wrestler wants... Hell, that old 'Repo Man' schtick would fly better in the '90s than THAT old chestnut... Believe me... I'm not a Russian... Can I go?

Hmmm... Obviously, poor Crusher is a victim of the capitalist brainwashing techniques...

It's Barry. There is no Crusher...

I beg to differ, Crusher... Obviously, you have forgotten your roots, and we must help you...

What?

Azmodeis? We have a new sponsor, don't we?

Certainly, Bobo... Greetings, sluggish sewer dwellers of TV-Land... It is I, the inimitable pharoah of wrestling speaking... Listen up. Our sponsor is Fruit of the Loom, and they sent us this great sack of reinforced toe-and-heel tubesocks... As you can see, made with PRIDE in the USA... Maybe pride is a code word for cotton? Whatever... These socks are the best, and are guaranteed to last under even heavy wear and tear...

Truly? Hmmm... This gives me an idea... Say, Crusher....

I'm telling you... It's BARRY... Please let me go...

Soon enough, Crusher...  We have to test our fine sponsor's products... Caster? Could you wheel in the special surprise?

Here ya go, Bobo... The contents of Thysandra's piggy-banks... Over $326 in assorted loose change... Why did you want it?

Well, Caster... As Crusher, or any other pinko could tell you...

Hey! I'm not a pinko! It was a GAG!

Good idea, Crusher... Chamber? The gag, please....

Aight...

<MMMF!>

This is gonna be bad, isn't it?

No, Caster... We're the GOOD GUYS... As I was saying, one of the basic tenets in Communism is the redistribution of wealth... So we're going to show all the folks at home how nice we are by using that tenet to help Crusher acknowledge his heritage... And to do this, we're going to use our sponsor's fine product - along with your daughter's considerable wealth... Isn't that just the GINCHIEST? Let's start small, though... I think about eight bucks in change is a good start in our redistribution efforts...

I can't look...

<MMMF!>

<Whz... Whz... Whzz... KAPOCKA!>

<RRRMM!>

Say, that IS a sturdy sock... This pleases me... Azmodeis, add some more wealth....

Another five bucks okay?

Fine... Crusher... We have more wealth to redistribute to you... Ready?

<mmmlp! mmmlp!>

<Whz... Whz... Whzz.... KAPOCKA!>

<RRRM!>

Gentlemen, please... Where one helpful psychopath can easily redistribute $13; all four of us - with a sock in each hand - can dole out $104 a shot... No pun intended...

Hey, Bo... U think we can use more than one sock each hand?

Even better! These excellent socks will certainly provide suitable means of redistribution... You gentlemen get started and I'll join in again after I've shared today's Helpful Hint of the Week...

Hey, Bo... What about Crusher's push?

When you're driving back past One CNN Center - say, at sixty or so - open the door and give it to him...

HAHAHAHA! Cool... He'll always remember THAT push...

<POCK! KAPOCKA! WHAPSKI! KAPUCT!>

Heh. Now then, folks... In honor of the Soviet Union - or what's left of it - our Helpful Tip of the Week is... 'Communism only works in theory... But TESTING the theory is a lot of laughs...' Heh.

Now then, my opponent thinks I lack a certain amount of stamina... This pleases me... As anyone knows, I allow my opponents to get in the first few shots so that they can at least say they TRIED to fight me - before strapping the poor souls in for the Wild Ride and striding to the inevitable conclusion when lesser beings become steeped enough in hubris to challenge their betters... Stale'nGlad even goes so far as to kill helpless creatures like tourists and cruiserweights to prove he has what it takes to defeat the Angel of Death Most Exalted... This pleases me. However, Bobo doesn't kill for fun - or to satisfy any repressed sexual proclivities - or even for money... Bobo kills the same as any other act of God. Without warning... Without mercy... Without regret... I could stack bodies up like cordwood, but that would be akin to Yurine's attempt at self-affirmation... I know I can kill... However, being of honor, I only kill those that stand a chance at defending themselves against me... This is why so few of my opponents in this NWF have gone on to the next life... No other reason... After I twist your arms into braids and leave you shattered and useless in the middle of the ring, you'll wish I thought you were tough enough to kill... In fact, those metal bones are going to rattle against each other with enough velocity to strike sparks and BAKE your pathetic approximation of a wrestler like a KABOB. Don't worry, though... I'm sure they can find a use for all that meat in Bosnia... Heh. But I digress...

You think beating up some sorry jobber like Southsider is going to impress such as I? It is to laugh... I've killed men that a worthless rag like Southsider would have WORSHIPPED... I've killed better men that either of you two will MEET. Soviet Science has NO CURE for the condition YOU'RE going to be in, Yurine... I PROMISE.

For the fans, let me say that leaving a twisted ruin of this hopelessly hokey pseudo-retro 'Communist' hung from a flagpole as a warning to others is just part of the job as the true Face of the Nightmare...

You're welcome... See you SOON.