Hello, my intended....

Well, we have quite a show lined up for you today... We'll be looking into several rather poignant issues that affect us as a country... Firstly, we have teens out of control... With us today is Carlos... Hello, Carlos... Welcome to the show...

-MMMF! MMMRF! HRRMF!-

Carlos is a little shy... Heh. This is his first TV appearance, and he's at a loss for words... Carlos is seventeen, and already a noted gangbanger, thug and miscreant... Normally, such trash eventually destroys itself, but since this is the Better Living Through Violence Show... Well, we'll just nudge the process along a little... Oh, Gas Chamber?

Wassup, yo? This the guy? Dis dat tough dude that wants 2 run things in town? Hmmm... He don't look like much 2 me...

Now, now, GC... Appearances can be deceiving, you know... Word is that Carlos is the man who will control all the... darker elements in the immediate vicinity... Since that would seem to include our little band, we have to meet the man who would control such as ourselves... Of course, scheduling a meeting with such an important man was rather... hectic. But we managed to convince his friends to let us see him... After all, we can be pretty... persuasive ourselves... Heh.

Well, we'll juss have 2 give him the treatment... Yo, Carlos... U get a choice, yo... The box or the curtain?

-MRRRMMPH!-

Both? My, you ARE the ambitious lad.... This pleases me. Tell him what he's won, GC...

Both? Wow... Well, juss under the box, we got ur DAD, Carlos... U aint seen him in a couple years, an I dont think ull reckonize him right now, but its him... Say hi 2 ur son, Emilio...

-URMPH! ARRRRMH! WRRRRM!-

Wow... I think I'm getting all misty, GC... These family reunions really choke me up.... Emilio, did you know that your little boy is quite the little gangster? What do you have to say to that?

-URMPH! ARRRRMH! WRRRRM!-

Tears you up inside, eh? Tell me, Emilio, isn't it true that your boy is just following in your bloody footsteps? Weren't you also at one time quite the roughneck?

-NRRM!-

Really? Do you hear that, Carlos? Was your father truly no influence on your vile personality?

-NRRM!-

This pleases me.

Really yo? Doesnt this mean that Carlos is a selfmade bum? How can dat b a good thing?

I'm the host, trust me...

Aight.

Grand. Well, Carlos, don't you know what this path you're on is doing to your old man?

-MRRRK! YMMMPH!-

That's right! It's breaking his heart... Here, I'll show you... C'mere Emilio...

-NRRRM! NRRRM! NRR-

<SHRRRRECKT>

-NRRRM! YRR GNNNPH DMMMPH!-

Really, now, Carlos... Now's not the time for idle threats...  Just take a looksee at your old man's aorta, here... See how it's fluttering there? That means it's sad...

I kinda thought it wuz cuz it dint have no blood 2 pump... It bein outside da guy an all...

Well, I admit that that ADDS to its sadness... But it was already pretty sad about Carlos being such a worthless piece of trash... You see, Carlos? You're killing your father!

Uh, Bo... The guy's already dead...

Exactly! He died of a broken heart! And all because Carlos took the road to PERDITION... What do you have to say for yourself, Carlos? Can you still justify your present lifestyle in the face of what wages it truly earns? How many lives must you bring to ruin before you finally see the light?

-MMMPH! NRRRM MRRRH! PRRREEPH!-

Sorry, Carlos, but there's still plenty more... Heh.. Let's switch to the remote camera where our on-the-spot reporter, Azmodeis, is gathering public opinion... Azmo? Do you read us?

Loud and clear, Bobo... Hello, folks, this is your most pleasant demigod of supreme cool speaking to you... I'm presently outside the rather dingy abode of our friend Carlos... Inside, I am assured, are his wifey and rugrats... Here's one of his burly guards... Say, burly dude, mind if I ask you a few questions? I know you're busy right now holding back your intestines from spilling out that nasty gash my buddies in the Demon Gang gave you, but if you could just indulge us, I'd appreciate it...

Oh, GOD... I'm dying!

That's right... You, you, you... FOCUS. This is about Carlos...

Carlos is gonna see you guys DEAD for this...

Right. I hear the view from heaven is great... Listen... You know Carlos pretty good, right?

Yeah... He's the meanest. And he's VERY into REVENGE, if you catch my drift...

So, you're saying he's not a good person?

Hells nah! And you guys are gonna be SO sorry you messed with him... I hope you don't have any retirement plans...

So, he's a bad person, then?

Are you NUTS? Hells yeah! EVERYONE knows that Carlos is da BOMB! Like ICE!

Great. Thanks for your time... I guess that Carlos is not a very popular person, as nobody likes icy bombs.... Back to you, Bobo...

Say, Azmo, could I ask your subject a few extra questions?

<KABLAM>

Uh, sorry, Bobo... My interviewee just left... He ate a bull - er... something that didn't agree with him...

Bummer...  Oh well, wrap up the loose ends and head on back to the hideout... Use the usual fireworks, after all, we're in the entertainment business...

No problem... They'll be able to see the flames from SPACE when we're done...

This pleases me. Well, Carlos, as you - or any other fool - can plainly see, such machinations of community turmoil as you and your ilk would perpetrate generally tend to come to no good. Sure, I know that there's probably always going to be another hard-headed zagnut to try and fill your shoes, but we have a lot of gasoline, and we really like this community service bit... Ahem. But I digress...

Uh, Bo... Arent u forgettin somethin...?

Let's review... His dad, his family, his mob... No, I think we've done all we need to do....

The curtain?

Oh, yes... Thanks ever so, GC... Carlos, I know that so far your cup runneth over with our friendly gestures, but we still have a few gifts for you... Thanks to our fine sponsors - Black and Decker - for these fine DeWalt cordless tools... Caster? Bring out the special gift for Carlos, won't you...?

Well, Bobo, today's special gift is a fine 18 Volt cordless drill from Black and Decker's DeWalt line... Attached to it, we have a fine 2 inch carbide spade bit from the Black and Decker Cobra line... Also, we have a VERY nice set of VersaPack cordless tools... Among them this exceptionally well crafted reciprocating saw... As you can see, the reciprocating saw is outfitted with a sturdy bi-metal blade, which is good for a variety of cutting purposes, including pruning, pipe-cutting, and other applications...

Hmm...  Isn't that so with all cordless tools? Aren't they all pretty much the same, no matter who makes them?

Well, Bobo, that's just a popular misconception... For example, this particular drill can bore through a 2x12 floor joist in under 30 seconds... And under even heavy use, you can generally get four hours of power from the 18 volt battery before you just pop it in the Quick-Charger - on lunch for example - and you're fully charged and ready to go again in just 60 minutes... But you don't have to have any downtime with the extra battery INCLUDED... Surely, a working man's drill....

Indeed? Caster, while I enjoy the convenience of cordless power tools, they just don't have the 'Ooomph' of their corded brethren... Plus, they tend to give out on me when the job is half done... Most cordless tools are nice, but the drawbacks tend to outweigh their benefits...

Oh, I agree... But you won't have those problems with Black and Decker's cordless tools... Guaranteed... Care to give it a test run?

I thought you'd never ask... Let me see that cordless drill... Thanks ever so. Now then, you say that this drill along with this spade bit, can ream a hole in a 2x12 floor joist, correct? Well, it should have no problem with Carlos' kneecaps, then, should it?

Uh, I guess not... But are you sure you wanna...

<VRRRRRRRM>

-RRRRRMMMMM! RRRRRMMMMMM! RRRRPH!-

Do that?

Spiffy. I'm sorry, did you say something?

Nothing. Dare I even imagine what you plan on using the recip-saw for?

I'm not going to do anything with that fine reciprocating saw, Caster... I promise...

Whew... Okay, then... Here you go...

Gas Chamber is. Here you go, GC...

Cool. Since dis is good for cutting stuff like pipe and branches, it should b able 2 go thru stuff like bone real easy, yo... Take our buddy Carlos' wrists 4 example...

<VRRRRRRRM>

-RRRRRMMMMM! RRRRRMMMMMM! RRRRPH!-

Juss like buttah... Say, I like dis saw... It got dat same QuickCharge thing dat the drill got?

Uh, yes.

Cool. Consider dis saw heartily endorsed...

I'm sure the people at Black and Decker are grateful... I think I need to go outside for a little air...

Not a problem, Caster... And thanks for helping us demonstrate these wonderful products... Well, Carlos, wasn't that just the GINCHIEST? I'm sure everyone watching won't be able to LOOK at a cordless tool without reliving the magic of our demonstrations... Don't you agree?

-mmmmp! mmmlp! mmm...-

Yes, it brings a tear to my eye as well... Heh. Well, Carlos, or do you prefer 'Lefty' now?

-mmmlp!-

Lefty it is. Do you believe that your gangbanging ways are still the way you want to live your life? Do you now understand that the ways of evil in the hands of amateurs such as yourself only serve to annoy true connoissuers of the Dark? Can we safely assume that you'll live the rest of your life a changed man?

HAHA! Yeah, we sure changed him, Bo... He's DEFINITELY not leavin da same as he came in.... HAHAHAHA!

Quiet, you. I'm in the middle of an intervention...

<snicker>

Chamber! Delicate work here... Now then, Carlos... Before we put you back in the crate, I need some assurances that you'll do everything you can to keep other young people from making the same mistakes that got you in the situations they did... Can I count on that from you?

-mmm mmmph-

This pleases me. Okay, GC, toss him back in the crate and put him back where we found him, won't you?

Uh, Bo... He'll prolly bleed 2 death b4 he can spread the word about us Dark Stars...

Nonsense. There's a blowtorch in the back you can use to cauterize his wounds... Which, of course, is our Helpful Tip of the Week... Fire stops bleeding like no bandaid can... So if Little Jimmy scrapes his knee, don't bother with those pansy little stickons with the cartoon character print... A little judicious use of fire not only fixes Little Jimmy right up, it helps TEACH him to NOT scrape his knee in the future... Or at the very least not to come crying to you about it.... And with that, we see that the clock on the wall is telling us we're out of time, so from all of us in the Dark Stars, to all of you out there in TV Land....

You're welcome. See you SOON.