Hello, my intended...
Well, it seems that after talking HUMONGOUS quantities of SHYTE, Justin Voss 'mysteriously' is booked for the next two cards... It is to laugh. First, he wants to beat that old 'Versus the Boss' drum that's been more used lately than Robert Downey Jr. at Lights Out.... THEN he wants to fight that COOK for a STRAP? First, we have to wonder why this ridiculous zipperhead even has a GREEN CARD - and as if that wasn't ridiculous enough, he has a CHAMPIONSHIP... Come ON. He can't even speak 'bruddy enguis', and his MANAGER studied it watching Benny Hill. But you know something, Chorrie?
Benny DEAD. So sollie.
Now, since Chow Min isn't stupid enough to sign on the line - and while his charge IS stupid enough, Hooked on Phonics hasn't worked for him just yet... Therefore, I present the following... Call it a Challenge if you want - I guarantee your INSURANCE company will call it a SUICIDE. It is as follows:
IF the Stereotyped Face with the Cliche'd Angle doesn't get past the Boss's Rented Goons - and considering his pathetic imitation of a wrestler as it is, the smart money's against it - you'll have a free night, won't'cha? Well, VK, let's have a go... Title VS. Taitowul. If there's any Viet Nam vets in the fanbase, this is a fight - and more importantly, a CONCLUSION - they'll pay MONEY to see... Heh. Don't worry, though, I'll leave enough of you for Chow Min Jr. to fry up for BEEF YAT.
Ewwww.... I mean, what if Voss wins?
IF, on the other hand, the Apocolypse Clock loses one of the Required Signs of the Endtimes - which is to say, Voss WINS and gets to face you... Well, AFTER that, I say this... Since Voss has a half fast partner in the hockeypuck hamster, I suggest a tag-match against ME and... Hmm... Who's presence in this promotion is ridiculous enough to match up with one of Santa's Sweatshoppers? Ah! BARBIE.
I know what you're thinking... But, Bobo, I thought you hated these mixed matches... I do. But since the midget has a girl for a partner, I figured I'd keep it fair... Heh. Assuming Barbie agrees to do this - and she'd be stupid NOT to - we can have a nice match where I get to use the midget for a club to smash Voss into a thick, red PASTE.... And Barbie gets to WATCH.
Now, they might give me another 'tune-up' match against someone that has no chance of beating me in the meantime... But you must realize that that statement pretty much covers the ENTIRE roster... This pleases me.
Mr.Fiendish... The Big Boss will be happy to give you a match for MMM#7...
But against whom? I've already scared Niege Thirteen into retirement, and the Doctor jobbed just in CASE they MIGHT make him face me... Thirty days is a long time to stall, Doc, but I can wait... So.... Who does that leave? Birdboy? PLEASE. That little puddlejumper couldn't outfight the Junkyard Dog...
Uh, Mr. Fiendish...? JYD is dead.
I know... NEXT... Kamikaze Ken? Hell, he can't even beat Birdboy... Forget it. He'd be a meatpatty with a side of COLESLAW in less than thirty seconds... The Phobic? It IS interesting that his gimmick is to be scared of everything, but I doubt even he'll be able to know where his gimmick ends and survival instinct begins... Heh. Mr. Claven? Must... Not.... Laugh.... That dope couldn't find the Winner's Circle with a Global Positioning Device and a six week headstart. You know WHY? Because it's a VALID mailing address. You know why E-Mail's so popular, Trashcan-Man? Because there's no digital equivalent of a slopbucket in a blue uniform, THAT'S WHY.
And THESE are the HEADLINERS? I don't even wanna go INTO the dinks that get paid 30 foodstamps to not win night after night... Not that they COULD WIN, of course, but I digress...
Uh... What about Blackjack Hooligan?
Who? The fat Irishman in the cowboy hat? It is to laugh. He couldn't beat me in his DREAMS - drunk OR sober - on the best day of his LIFE... The LAST of which, lahdie, will be OUR match. Honestly... I am a technician... A martial artist... A Shootfighter... And, most importantly, a SADISTIC MONSTER. He's an Alcoholic that stumbled into the wrong coatroom at Closing Time and kept the jacket and hat he found... Is that a match anyone thinks will be worth watching? Well, there are people who still rent 'Faces of Death' so I suppose there IS an OUTSIDE chance... But I digress... .
Sooo... What are you gonna do?
What am I going to do? Easy. Open match. I'll sign a fight order, and assuming there's someone that's tired of celebrating their BIRTHDAY in the BUILDING, he can sign the other line... It''s marked 'VICTIM' in case you can't find it at first glance, whoever you were... This sort of match gives a sense of surprise to the fans, since they won't know who the match with involve...
Which, I hope, compensates for them KNOWING how it will END...
You're welcome... See you SOON.