Well, folks, with so much going wrong in the wrestling demense we call home all I can say for certain is I'm determined to go down with the ship. I walked away once, and all you get is one. Kinda like that cliche' about if you love something set it free.... Either that, or I'm a frickin' masochist. So, I've decided to adopt a fellow TRPer's past ethic about a similar mess: Pin me and pay me, but you can't make me quit. While I was watching yet another snoozer of a RAW with the obligatory 'Ass Cream' alleged 'comedy', I heard a sound somewhere behind me... It was like a spring popping - and I slowly realized that I'd either lost it or was having an aneurism.

So since I wasn't dead three minutes later, I figured I'd lost it. And as proof, this thought rolled through my head like a neon marquee at Times Square. 'Y'know, it isn't so bad.' Stunned, I went into immediate reflection on this bizarre stray consideration... I was watching RAW, and I didn't think it was so bad? Was I sick? No, temperature was normal. Was I stupid? No, I could still quote Keats and Shakespeare while doing algebra. So what was I thinking? 'Y'know, it isn't so bad.' Alarmed, I decided to compare this thought to several of the other things that I had enjoyed...

Batman: Action Adventure with a pudgy Adam West and a B-List cadre of 'stars' as various villains. Yes, Gorshin ruled as the Riddler, and Yvonne Craig as Batgirl was never as sexy as when they painted her green for that episode of Star Trek everyone breaks Shatner's balls about. But the whole of it? The entire campy, absurdist mess was so shamelessly bad that I thought it was hilarious. Still do. Shit, even bought the movie on DVD and watched when Burt and Adam were on Hollywood Squares...

The A-Team/GI Joe: Yeah, I know. (And knowing is half the battle.) When you consider how STUPID these shows are, and God knows they're both the drooling dunces of military based shows - to the point that Hogan's Heroes looked LOGICAL. Let's examine: The badguys ALWAYS locked up the captured A-Team in some barn or junkyard or someplace where they could easily build a tank or similar, even leaving TOOLS behind for them. What was worse, was that considering both of these groups were allegedly the penultimate of military training and to the last manjack of them, COULDN'T HIT THE BROAD SIDE OF A BARN with SUBMACHINEGUNS. No wonder the terrorists laugh at us.

Public Broadcasting: The only times they show anything worth watching are when they want money. Oh, you want some Baby Brain Operation or some Black Adder or some Kennedy Center Honors to something good? Well, fuck you, you're getting Barney, a Nova documentary on the Klan and then eighteen hours of Ken Burns droning on about something that takes two minutes to look up yourself in an encyclopedia for all you ever wanted to know about it. Choke on that, slapnuts - but not before you send us a hundred bucks for a coffeemug!

Anime: Yes, folks, believe it or not this used to be considered 'cool' by a select few (aka niche market) before the whole Tentacle Rape Explosion and Pokemon Phalanx One-Two'ed it into mainsteam blech with the subsequent release of several million shit-for-head pre-teen 'gangstas' going all over the chatrooms about their 'power levels' with kewl names like SSJ7-Smithie (BTW, SSJ4-Fusion is the top level). But when I watched a few episodes of Mon Colle Knights, Kirby, and Ultimate Muscle, by God you couldn't tell me it was merely terrible... It was horrific. Gruesome. Disturbing. Scarring. Yet I was laughing. A lot. It was then that I realized it... Wrestling is now so wrenchingly bad that I like it again.

When you know that the worse it gets the funnier it is, it's pretty liberating. Vince has turned what once was the clash of two athletes for supremacy/revenge/championship gold and de-evolved it to something Ed frickin' Wood wouldn't admit to doing under torture. These people are without question no longer trying to entertain me (or anyone else) - but the last laugh is MINE because I am now entertained BY their not trying. Join me, my children! Let's pack into the theater and lob one-liners at the place. Let's make drinking games about Maven dropkicking - two shots if he blows a spot! Let's start a pool on when Chris Jericho actually morphs into Captain Lou Albano Y2Jr. Gimme April for the Hawaiian shirt ticket, and charge those thundering guns!

That's right, you little lizard-headed troglodyte, gimme your worst. Necrophilia? Bah. What else you got? D-Lo Brown in a Racism Angle to reform the Nation of Domination? You hit like a bitch. Gimme another; this time like you got a set! Rob Van Dam traded to Velocity for Raven? Take some more HgH and try again, sissy. Al Wilson on Smackdown as head Diva Liason and Interviewer? I dare you! Rikishi, Taz and Ernest Miller in a rap-off against John Cena, Bull Buchanan, and (yeah, bring him back - why not?) K-Kwick? I'm ready. Stephie McMahon and HHH as the new Lifetime RAW and Smackdown Commentators? Yeah, baby! Albert A-Train crossover merchandising with a Chia-Back BobbleHead doll that they have to recall and make the head SMALLER than it is in real life because the damn thing keeps tipping over? Thassastuff! Al Snow in public service infomercials for kids telling them 'To Be Themselves - and If Nobody Likes It Be Something Else' running for sixteen weeks or until he eats a bullet onscreen - whichever comes first? Cool beans! Randy Orton gets Bone Cancer and spends the rest of his career and/or life updating us on his health while sweating profusely for no reason? That's what I'm talking about! Big Bossman and Paul Wight sneak in to the Olympics behind Angle and begin lobbying for Casket Sledding to be made one of the Summer Games? Ahhhhh.... BLISS!

See, a while back I wrote something in my Manifesto... Right there under Basic Truth #4: 'Imagine the absolute *worst* thing that can happen in any given situation, and take steps to guard against it as best you can.' So, while I admit it IS bad out there in 'wackyworld' as Zenk coined it, I know for a fact how much worse it COULD be, and if -I- can't think of anything worse than they're giving us, DK sure as hell can pick up the slack. Heh. So take heart, my friends. Wrestling may have changed to the point that it's no longer entertaining as a 'sport', or even as a 'sports-opera', but it will ALWAYS be good for at least ONE thing...

MOCKERY

And you already agree, because you're here with us...

You're welcome. See you SOON.