Cooking the Christmas Goose
Originally Posted 12-22-02 Hello my intended...As I usually do, I was thinking about alot of strange things while my computer was drag-assing for no good reason and I had to run Scandisk from DOS to get it remotely back on track... Sigh. That only took all frickin' weekend. The Hundred Gigger may be failing, and that's a SHITLOAD of movie and emulation files to backup... But I digress.
Anyhoo, I know this is a big one, but I owe ya... Strap in, Bobo's Wild Ride starts.... NOW.
First off, lemme say that the WORST thing they can do is blow their wad with the Angle/Lesnar thing. Next Smackdown they have the title match that most of us would have bought Wrestlemania for? DUMBASSES. Not that I don't think they're gonna No Contest (NC1) six or eight times with various flavors of screwjob until we get to NC2 (Nobody Cares) which will raise things to a Defcon-like NC3 (Need Customers), then NC4 (Negative Cash) and finally NC5 (Now Closed).
By my estimate, they're snugly locked in at NC3 and kiss the edges of NC4 with every botch they think will bring in new viewers at the trifling cost of us bitchy old ones. Yeah, that Vince is sure a fucking genius, huh? So, being a genius, he decides that there's a few things that have made money, and probably still could. But then the Ego steps up and he shoots himself in the foot for the sake of stroking himself. Rather than have something make him (and the stockholders) MONEY, he'd rather give himself a Tope' Corn Holo. Which business school is it that teaches Pride is more important than MONEY? If there ever were such a place, I'm pretty sure they've gone broke by now.
I mean, not to revamp stuff I've posted in the Forums, but the guy had a TON of opportunities to make himself the frickin' Microsoft of Sports Entertainment, and he dropped the ball every time. If any of you dare to suggest that he IS the Microsoft of Sports Entertainment right now, then you are instructed to sit in the corner and be fuckin' quiet, because you're not even smart enough to tell the difference betwixt a company that MAKES MONEY from one that LOSES money. How smart you feel now, Brainiac? Try and heckle again, I dare ya. No takers? Good. Guess some of you ARE smart. This pleases me.
So leave us examine some of these Golden Gooses he's gutted, shall we? Why not, right? What else are you doing...?
The Radicalz: Jericho, Benoit, Malenko, Saturn, and Eddy Guererro bail out of WCW and join the WWF. Mind you, if I was booking their debut, I'd have had them drive up to the arena in a Hummer... Y'know, since the WCW was cramming the 'Who Drove the Hummer?' bullshit down our throats? Sweeeeeet, right? That would have trumped ALL of the 'Taped RAW Results' Nitro EVER aired. So, fine, missed that opportunity, but hey, you've got five guys that everyone and their Uncle Elmer KNOWS can tear the house down. Send 'em out there to do it, right? Hmmm... NAH. Jericho gets in a feud with Stephanie McMahon... Benoit AND Jericho get their heads handed to them by SCSA... Benoit gets injured, and is out a year. Eddy gets to run a romantic angle with CHYNA, which quickly sends Eddy into booze rehab and Chyna to Celebrity Boxing. Malenko and Saturn feud with the Hardyz. Malenko gets retired, and Saturn falls in love with a mop. Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW): After Tod Gordon and the Mole Incident left Heyman without most of his top draws, it was a short wait before he sold the place to Vince and brought in a stack of 'Hardcore' talent that could tear it up night after night... What happened? Punkings and hazings for all! Justin Credible goes down with the ship as Degeneration-X parachutes into a minefield for it's last run. Taz feuds with Lawler, and loses. Rhyno tries to keep up the monster thing, but keeps getting undone. Bottom line, rather than keep them in roles that have drawn money, they were used to simply make the WWF guys look good... Actually, that's not accurate. They were brought in to make the WWF guys look BETTER THAN THEM. I'm sorry, but when you've got Raven laying down to Crash fucking Holly, it doesn't take a Mensa Card to see something isn't adding up... World Championship Wrestling (WCW): This has got to be the biggest fuck-up on record. The South Territories are ALWAYS up for rasslin', and picking up the whole kit and kaboodle for a song was certainly a feather in Vince's cap. He promptly took that feather and wiped his ASS with it, mind, but it was still quite a coup. You got all these dudes that are DYING to show their stuff but were always held out of the limelight by the Millionaire's Club that were then pretty content to sit on their fat guaranteed contracts. So what does he do? Make new top stars and run two promotions? Pfft, anybody would have done THAT. Vince is a GENIUS. So what does HE do? He shelves the whole fucking thing for a year and half before bringing them in under the whole InVasion fustercluck. Oh, yeah, and he gives them box seats at Wrestlemania X7 so they can 'see how it's done' Mind you, the whole time I'm waiting for them to storm out and down to the ring, but nothing happened. Eerily prophetic of times to come, as you'll see... InVasion: This actually could have still worked, despite forcing all the guys under contract to sit out and rust until nobody besides the hardest hardcore internet geek knew who the hell any of them were... Yeah. Who WOULDN'T want to see a truckload of pissed off grapplers run out and slam into the guys that closed them down? Imagine a Hoffa Riot with lycra, and you'd be close. Wouldn't YOU have paid to see that? What happened? The WCW guys were made into the Job Mob, toute' suite. DDP is stalking (and then jobbing to) Undertaker's old lady when his own wife is hotter than Sara by FAR. Booker T is the 'poor copy' of the Rock, whose only 'over' move is a Windmill. Angle, Austin, and UT lead the charge against the encroaching 'threat' of WCW's midcard, and Rule All. Two weeks later, and even the densest mark didn't think WCW so much as deserved to be in the same building with WWF guys. So for the sake of ego, Vince took the teeth out of the whole 'threat' of WCW. If the threat is not credible, then the issue is moot and you're wasting everyone's time. That's why Superman doesn't fight gangsters anymore, people. InVasion 2.0 (Alliance): After totally ruining the WCW 'threat' they pull a swerve and half of the WWF that was ECW jumps ship to become 'The Alliance'. Paul E. is back and helping the McMahon kids destroy the guy that destroyed wrestling... Could this have worked? Hell, yes. The groups that collectively had their noses rubbed in the shit of 'WWF Rules All' booking rise up against their oppressors for revenge, this time with even numbers. What happened? SCSA puts himself in front of the whole thing and makes it look like he's the only guy on the squad that can tie his own shoes. What? Exactly. So aside from the Austin matches, nobody believed the Alliance had a chance. Why should they? Every one of their members had already been punked into oblivion so many times it was sickening. It finally leads up to a winner take all match that (surprise!) WWF wins. Ric Flair as Co-Owner: Now, folks, I'm hardly what could be considered a Flair mark. He kept himself in the spotlight at the expense of the new talent, and suddenly there's no new generation of stars... HOWEVER, if there was EVER anyone that had the chops to be the 'perfect foil' for Vincent K. McMahon, then by God it was the Nay-Cha-Bwa. This was Mick Foley as Commissioner to the Nth Degree, as Flair was presented (at first) as Vince's equal. They even had some nice little swervie-go-round on each other, but sadly, Vince knew what we all knew... Flair could outshine him on the stick eight ways from Sunday. Ego, again, steps up. As it was, Vince couldn't play the whole 'Us vs. Them' thing that killed the previous angles, so he gets to the point where Flair and he cannot co-exist, and sells us (and the stockholders) on a Brand Split. Flair's half on one side, Vince's half on the other... What happened? A Lethal Dose of Poison. New World Order: Three of the biggest names in wrestling come in to destroy the WWF because Vince didn't get Raw (his baby, which he created) in the divvy-up. And as a further shocker, Flair drafts THEM for Raw FIRST. Yeah, that makes sense... That's like drafting the Wizards to play as the Lakers while they're still playing for Washington, and then expecting the Lakers to win the Championship again... Looks like the Lethal Dose of Poison was cleverly hidden in the bottle of Extra-Strength Stupid Pills, dudnit? So when Nash and company catch on that Vince is gonna make them pay for their previous disloyalty through jobbage? Oops, there goes another rubber knee... Oops, there goes another rubber knee... Oops, there goes another rubber knee now. So now the Raw roster is in shambles, but with the Champs able to do either show, neither side is totally without any star power, so Flair isn't destroyed JUST yet, and determines to make a go of it... What happened? With nothing really to draw viewers besides SCSA saying 'What' and the occasional visit from a champion, Raw slipped in the ratings. Vince decides that Raw going into the toilet wouldn't be such a hot idea after all, and challenges Flair for 'all the marbles'... Now folks, I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times, a non-wrestler going over a wrestler is DEATH to credibility. DEATH. Zeus/Z-Gangsta over Savage? DEATH. David Arquette over DDP and Tank Abbott? DEATH. Vince Russo over Flair? DEATH. Shane McMahon over Big Show? DEATH. Stephanie McMahon over the Rock? DEATH. Vince McMahon over Flair? D-E-A-T-H, DEATH. So what comes about for all the marbles? DEATH. General Managers: Sadly, after selling the stockholders on a 'brand split to increase revenue and opportunities for new stars', Vince was pretty stuck. He couldn't merge everything back together even if he wanted to, lest he lose what little credibility he still had. So what to do? Hire Eric Bischoff, of course! Mind you, if I was booking this, I'd have had Bischoff stride out with a phalanx of security and toss everyone not on the Raw roster unceremoniously out the door, including Vince; then smile that cocky smile of his before announcing, "Looks like I won the Monday Night Wars after all, huh?" Mind you, the pick for Smackdown left even MORE to be desired, as I was JUST getting used to not hearing her annoying fucking screech on my wrestling shows, but YEAH, let's have some more STEPHIE. For chrissakes, at least Dusty could make you laugh trying to figure out what the hell he was saying, but Steph? Ick. She's the vocal equivalent of an APATHY FACTORY. Whatever she's talking about, you stop caring about. This looks to be the final go of the whole Two Houses approach, and as I see it it's gonna lead right to NC5 unless something turns around. Can it be turned around? Can it be made to work? Yes to both... Easy as ABC, even.
AUTHENTICITY - Brock Lesnar is a legit toughie. NCAA Champ, and hellaciously monstrous. Kurt Angle is a legit toughie. Olympic Gold won with a BROKEN NECK doesn't exactly spell 'pansie' to me, how about you? Scott Steiner is a legit toughie, too. All-American level wrestler, and Sweet Jeebus look at the size of him! He's like the Road Warriors all by himself, with the Loose Cannon personality that just spells 'Tread Fucking CAREFUL' to anyone with two brain cells to rub together. Hmm... Thassaboutit. So, what to do? BUILD. Pick some names out of a hat, and give them some fucking WINS. Or, you could always go after some UFC/Pride types... I mean, when you're forcing Angle to be a talent scout (Angle Invitational) as well as a performer, then Dr. Tom and the rest are falling down on the fucking job, wouldn't you say? I mean, I accept they're trying to undo the damage to Show, but it would make more sense to have him go bugshit and THEN start tearing the place up. Build, remember? If a guy's a badass, then punking him out to some roid-caser that's slipping the pee-pee to the boss's daughter so he doesn't look like he was bullshitting Playboy about being an ex-streetfighter is NOT smart booking. For chrissakes, JOE PESCI was an ex-streetfighter, but do you think for a second he wouldn't rip HHH's face off? Shit, he demonstrated the proper technique to rip off someone's ear or nose in his run on Twenty Questions a few years back. Any one of the Gracie's could fucking KILL any one of the current roster. Bill DeMott even said in a WCW interview that he tried his hand at the shootfighting thing when he was 'full of piss and vinegar', and that he 'found out in a HURRY what he was really full of'. Get us some legit badasses in there and make us believe again. Just, y'know, we'll pass on Tank... Tito Ortiz could be hot shit, though.
BELIEVABILITY - The Championships used to be a mark of achievement and accomplishment in the 'sport'... What are they now? That's right, JUNK. Why? Because they let us in on the joke. Everyone that listens to Stern knows HHH is pounding Stephie, and she's the head writer and the boss's daughter; so after clueing even the casual marks in, they want us to think that HHH is the Champ on merit of skill? Must... Not... Laugh... Conversely, we are extolled on how putting some psycho monster or legit badass in there and kicking the shit out of everyone can't draw? Yes, I see... And what the hell ever happened to selling a finisher? I blame ECW for some of this, as they went out there and KILLED each other with moves that would have taken a Big Two match home by themselves, yet they kept jumping back up for more... Did it make the guys look tough? Sure. The first few times... I was just as stunned as anyone when Tommy Dreamer kicked out of the Superfly Splash, but once we got to RVD/Sabu and similar spotfests, the guys weren't looking all that tough - the moves looked WEAK. Five Van-Daminators and a guy STILL gets up? Eighteen chairshots to Tanaka and he's asking for more? Remember when a DDT meant 'The End'? That's why alot of the old guys like Flair and so forth are still in it, and people like Cactus Jack had to retire... For chrissakes, no wonder kids are aping the wrestlers and killing each other. 'That stuff doesn't hurt, look! See? He's up again!' Remember how seriously they would tell us that the 'following show contains performances by highly trained professional athletes' and 'not under any circumstances to try it at home'? Remember when Virgil got put out two months with a suplex on the floor? Why? Because they sold it like it could really fuck you up (because, y'know, it COULD) and when it happened it was a TERRIBLE thing to do to someone else... Heel shit. Strictly for heels.
CONTINUITY - Having Kane ten years ago as Kane when he's only been around (as Kane, anyway) five? Bad. Having Angle show off Olympic Medals to Chris Benoit after Benoit's had them down his pants? Bad. Having Trish Status deny 'sleeping her way to the top' after doing that PRECISELY? Bad. Having Hulk Hogan stand shoulder to shoulder with the Rock and/or HHH after spending a month talking about his plans on destroying the company? Bad. Having Chris Jericho in smelling distance of a Main Event after jobbing him to everyone with a pulse? Bad. Having D'Lo Brown trying to revive the Nation of Domination when it was DEATH to his career once we saw even Owen Hart was blacker than he? Bad. Having Big Show as a threat after he jobbed in one-on-ones to Shane O'Mac, Jeff Hardy, and frickin' SPIKE? Bad. See, I'm all for suspension of disbelief... But complete turnarounds from canon do NOT make us turn with them. Ever. For chrissakes, Nikita Koloff turning face made SENSE compared to most of the story-arcs running now. You know why? It was given BUILD. Don't have shit happen and then explain it! BUILD it FIRST, you stupid fucking typing chimps!
So now where are we? At the end of our collective ropes, eh? Well, the old saw says we should tie a knot and hang on.
But knowing Vince, it'll probably be a noose... Sing with me now:
Do you see the NC?
Said the Brain Cell to the Little Fan:
Do you see the NC? (Do you see the NC?)
Said the Brain Cell to the Little Fan:
A mess, a mess, stinking up the place,
With a load of crap and disgrace...
A load of crap and disgrace.Do you see the NC?
Said the Little Fan to the Internet:
Do you see the NC? (Do you see the NC?)
Said the Little Fan to the Internet:
A plan, A plan, they only need a plan
They can use to make things turn out right.
To make things turn out alright.Do you see the NC?
Said the Internet to the Lizard King:
Do you see the NC? (Do you see the NC?)
Said the Internet to the Lizard King:
It's crap, It's crap, that's the reason why
Your fans have stopped coming to see...
Why they've stopped coming to see.Do you see the NC?
Said the Lizard King to the Little Mark:
Do you see the NC? (Do you see the NC?)
Said the Lizard King to the Little Mark:
It's Mine, It's Mine, You don't count for shit,
Cuz I know that you'll all put up with it..
Cuz you'll all still put up with it...Happy Holidays from Your Old Buddy, Bobo.
You're welcome. See you SOON.