Austin Hears a Who
Originally Posted: 11-27-02

Hello, my intended....

Well, I was doing a really nice one, but I had to go and buy a newspaper today... Right on page 36:

"'Stone Cold' Austin gets probation after pleading no contest to wife-beating charge"

So, as you can imagine, I put the one I was working on STRAIGHT on the backburner (as in, for Friday) in order to comment on this momentous, nay, monumental happenstance. Let's go over some of the details here, shall we?

'Bexar County Judge Bill White ordered Austin, a Texas native whose real name is Steve Williams, to pay $1000 fine and do 80 hours community service.'

I'm guessing that 'getting Raw to stop sucking' doesn't QUITE count as 'community service', but I expect Vince to pitch it anyway... He can always use a tape of the Necro-Love as evidence, stating "If Steve was around, we would NEVER have done ANYTHING like THIS..." BTW, anyone that actually CARED what Steve's real surname is already knows. I promise. As for the thousand buck fine, I can see Steve going into his pocket and saying "Are hundreds alright?"

'He also must attend a family violence counseling course.'

Well, since it's Texas, I imagine they'll teach ol' Steve how to stomp his ol' lady PROPERLY. Lesson One: Oranges + Pillowcase = Dinner On Time EVERY NIGHT.

Note that Mister Bobo Quite Fiendish Esquire does in no way condone the use of this helpful hint to solve domestic disputes. It IS, however, damn handy when people are a 'little late' honoring their debts. Heh. In case your wondering, because oranges don't illicit bruising (aka - evidence of violence). Shhhh. Thassa trade secret. Shhhh.

"It's been a chaotic few months. I'm not a regular of the court system, so I'm glad to get it behind me," Austin said after the hearing.

Translation: "Thank GOD I got outta this. They would have eaten me ALIVE in stir."

"This has been a drag."

Awwww... Izzu fee-wing aww SAD cuzzu hadda stand taw in fwonta da man fo' huwtin' mean ol' Debwa? Poor BABY. Here's a fucking genius-level notion for ya, Rattlesnake. DON'T BEAT YOUR WIFE NEXT TIME YOU GOTTA EAT A LITTLE SHIT ON THE JOB. We ALL have to do that, dumbass, and when YOU have to we 'identify' with you and you go over just a little MORE. You're suppoosed to be the blue-collar hero, remember? The guy that gets to 'cross the boss' for us all? You know how many people turned their back on you for what you did? LOTS of us came from broken homes and saw our parents go at it hammer and tongs - including violence. Some of us STILL can't stand the IDEA of striking a woman, EVER.

Bottom line: Beating 'boss' - Okay. Beating 'wife' - NOT EVER FUCKING OKAY. Okay? Spiffy.

The former World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. star has not appeared on WWE shows since a dispute just days before the incident with his wife. WWE spokesman Gary Davis said Austin wass suspended after failing to show up at two performances.

Wow, look at 'em backpedal! Suspension? I thought he was fired, but a quick glance at the ratings 'slip' (as in comparable to a dumptruck full of rocks on the Double Black Diamond Run with the brakes out) since he 'left' pretty much guarantees 'all is forgiven'. Which proves that no bridge ever stays burned when you're over. Think for one second Vince will do anything to get Steve to walk out again? Go ahead and guess, it's EASY.

The wrestler stood in court in a trim black suit and white shirt, his trademark shaved head bowed as White read the charges against him.

Trademark shaved head? Holy shit, you can trademark a haircut? I better hurry to the patent office before Segal locks in 'ponytail' and I have to pay residuals...

Now we come to the MEAT of the meal, my little rubes. Strap in, it's gonna be... BUMPY.

Assistant Bexar County District Attorney Scott Simpson said Austin's deal was similar to those given other first time offenders.

That happen to have millions of dollars and global recognition. Joe Anonymous would, naturally, have the fucking book thrown at him before having it summarily stuffed up his ass - as is proper. On a side note, wasn't Nikita Koloff's real name Nelson Scott Simpson before he pulled a Hellwig?

"We feel very good about the plea. He took responsibility for what he did," Simpson said.

Oh, really? Then what about:

If Austin fulfills the terms of his probation, no guilty plea will be entered in his record.

Yeah. Way to step up, Steve. Real stand up guy, you are. You take the NC so that you can avoid being marked as 'guilty' for something YOU DID. My goddamned hero. You are truly an inspiration to the common man, and women everywhere will begin jobbing in homage for your noble act...

Anyway, I promised a 'good part', and here it is...

He is prohibited from drinking alcohol...


Must not behave aggressively towards his wife...


And must ask the court for permission to leave Bexar County.


And that's for a YEAR, folks... An Austin not allowed to drink beer is bad enough. An Austin that has to ask mother-may-I before he leaves Bumblefuck - er, Bexar, TX...? Total character destruction.


As in back to the Ringmaster, or buy a mask. Stunning Machine has a nice ring to it, though... But I digress.

Honestly, can you imagine Austin trying to go back and, I dunno, Angle says something like, "Oh, no! Not Austin! My goodness, if I'm not EXTRA careful about the Rattlesnake being here he might go home and slap his wife around... AGAIN." Nah, they wouldn't let Angle say anything REMOTELY as cool as that, so HHH probably will...

And he thought laying down for Lesnar would've killed him... Oh BROTHER, he ain't seen SHIT yet.

Reports of Jesus going into hiding so Austin doesn't find Him are as yet unsubstantiated... Those closest to Jesus report Him saying, "Oh no, not after Michaels... Somebody cover for Me until the heat's off."

Triple H has allegedly stepped in during the hiatus while remarking, "Two down, One to go."


You're welcome. See you SOON.