Death Watch
Originally Posted: 11-19-03
Hello, my intended....

Well, before I get this article started, allow me to apologize for 'taking the week off' without notice. A huge combination of inter-personal bullshit mixed with the computer version of the Titanic; as my laptop (where I do all my work on the articles) had a combination heart attack and stroke (the video chip went Mr.Wilson, and the hard drive followed it) that burned off my Raw Recap and several other WIPs (works in progress). These things happen, and are glowing examples of why I 'waste money' on warranties. But I digress...

So I'm sitting here in front of the 'Big Boy' pounding out something on Saturday that I hope to have posted for you before sundown... Well, I hope to, but the sun's setting at four-thirty up here, so I'll have to try real hard.

Yep, it's been another one of THOSE sorts of weeks in wrestling... Michaels stealing any and all possible heat from Jericho at every turn, 'heading' him off to steal the #1 Spot in the Rumble with a behind the scenes 'push' from Vince. Vince threatening to firrrrrrrrre Eric Bischoff (and apparently replace him with Shane) if he can't turn Raw around in thirty days - and he's supposed to do it with Stephie still holding the book? I can suspend disbelief with the best of them, folks, but as pills go, that's a goddamn J-Cup Trophy. More dumbass strongman 'action' between Steiner and HHH, only this time I get to see Hunter in his 'Looms - and hey, looks like Zenk wasn't kidding about those side effects... Ow.

And for those of you STILL not sure whether to buy the Royal Rumble, Undertaker is going to be coming back... Goody. Way to talk me out of springing for the Rumble, guys! I guess Nathan Jones and 'A+' Shawn O'Haire needed someone to job to when they debut, and UT has graciously decided to bring these kids along for the Last Ride. That's what I love about the Brokedown Biker Boy - always giving back to the biz... Remember how it took Lesnar AND Big Show two MONTHS to give the guy a vacation 'to be with his family'? Now they've got a whole BUNCH of NEW toughguys like... Bill DeMott (Bill DeMOTT??) that need to 'show some respect', and rather than have Calloway pull an Austin, these 'young lions' are in for No-Sell Mauling as only a star of Undertaker's caliber can deliver. Fight on, Undertaker! Fight hard! (NOBODY is gonna get THAT reference... NOBODY!) You will respect the Undertaker! Suuuuure. If me EVER doing that is on some schedule, I'm gonna be late. How late? You know why they have the guy ride a motorcycle to the ring instead of walking? Because it's only a two-hour show. Heh.

Y'know, it's good to see them slowly bringing back 'psychology'... Note how Nunzio worked Tajiri's left arm almost the whole match? This doesn't exactly count, mind, since it was an ECW Reunion, and they're almost hardwired to put on a decent match with each other - but it was nice to see, nonetheless. I also did enjoy him spitting the green mist into Nidia's face... I'd like to do the same thing, only without the Kool Aid powder. And more than once... Much more. And when she's nice and moisturized, maybe give her the ol' exposed wire rhinoplasty. Yeah, can you tell how much I love these Tough Enough grads? I'd sure hate to have to spell it out.

'Big Show and A-Train are going down with me,' says Brock. Welcome back, Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night.

So what does it all mean? Based on the horrific displays from both shows, it can only point out that they're grasping at straws for building the PPV, which is TOMORROW NIGHT! Yay. Hey, who else cares as much as -I- do? (crickets chirping) ....That's just sad. Especially when you consider how little of a shit I give about it. I might buy their pay-per views from now on just so I can say, "I bought the one that finally put them out of business." Hey, waiting for death has sold a TON of Rolling Stones tickets. Admit it, a stub from the show one of them drops dead on is EBay Bonanza. But I digress...

I'm sorry, folks, but as a 'mere' wrestling fan I can't really comment on precisely the behind the scenes panic likely in full grip at WWe. If it was any other company, I'd figure that they replaced the mere 'office' model with an industrial-size woodchipper in a desperate attempt to prevent anyone from being able to prove the truth in court. Luckily, they're really just an entertainment company, and the only people whose lives would be destroyed would be their employees should they go Three Mile Island, and I hate most of them. Not that I think they're going to be destroyed, of course. I honestly think that the 'Last Threshhold' we as fans would be least likely to accept would be that there would be NO national/international wrestling promotion for us to at least TRY to enjoy. Hence my 'backward' plan of starting to buy their PPVs again. I'm rationalizing. Let's examine the facts:

Something is better than nothing, if only marginally.

Things cannot change after death. So death must be prevented to allow change.

If they can't figure out why they can't get new fans, they've at least grudgingly accepted they need to try to keep the ones they still have.

Those fans are US.

This past months shows, while awful, have contained far more wrestling than previous months.

We asked for that.

Internet darlings have begun to get some push. Benoit vs. Angle for the WWe US (Undisputed, Sorta) title as a Main Event at a PPV, anyone?

We asked for that, too.

Someone, anyone, has to come in and kick Triple H off the shows - preferably by debilitating injury, or at least reportedly so (who cares, as long as he's out). We know who we want to do it. Either of three: Steiner, Austin, Goldberg. I'd rather they use 'in-house' talent, but everyone's been jobbed out so long that nobody would believe they could pull it off. Sorry, Booker, as much as I love you, I can't see the Spinneroonie with the big belt.

They got a rise in the ratings the show HHH missed, and it went back down until Vinnie made his big return - where it rose again. This proves that - unlike the 'hot heel' we're expected to believe he is - nobody gives a crap about HHH, and would rather not see him in the show.

Hot heels make people want to watch, because they 'play up' to their heelishness. For all their 'cocky attitude', they are supposed to run like rabbits and cheat like weasels until they 'get theirs'. And after they do, they make some excuse, massacre the face by deplorable ambush, and start over.

That is called a 'feud'.

We like feuds.

We trade money for things we like.

WWe needs money. Badly. (NC-4)

The only reason HHH 'prefers' to play the heel, is so he can delude himself (and the Family) into thinking everyone booing him is doing so because he's 'over'.

That is an error the Family is JUST beginning to realize they've been making.

When they figure out they're making a mistake, they generally stop. How often have you seen Gobbledy-Gooker once they realized what a mistake IT was? How often do you see Ray Traylor? Steve Blackman?

Vince can carry a grudge. He is especially heavy on people that have made fools of him, or similarly sold him a load of bunk that led to him being humiliated. Can you find a better way to describe HHH's Unstoppable Run?

Judging by the warm reception Rock's piped in appearance at the Raw Anniversary Show received, I don't think they're going to delude themselves into thinking Duane can come back and save the world. At least not with the same tired promos he's been doing THIS long.

We warned them.

The most destructive thing they can do is try to schmozz what few of us are left. I'm not talking about the 'usual' level of cram, such as 3MW crushing the 'HLA' segment, or Al Wilson having them 'stop the tape'. That's how they lost the 'casual' fans, who mostly wanna see tits, ass, violence, tits, and ass. In that order.

The casual fans aren't coming back anytime soon.

So you have to do everything you can NOT to piss off the majority of the fans that remain. If we get crammed THIS PPV, people, then there's going to be damn few of us around for the next one. So no run-ins on the Angle/Benoit match. No run-ins the Show/Lesnar match. No bullshit finishes the HHH/Steiner match. NO MICHAELS WINNING THE RUMBLE.

God help you if you fuck up again, because we're running out of patience.

So is Viacom, I'd wager.

Consider yourselves WARNED.

You're welcome. See you SOON.