Bobo Wastes His Money, So You Don't Have TOooooooo.-*
Originally Posted 7-27-03
Hello, my intended...
Because nobody called for a boycott this month, and I didn't want my work here at TRP to exclusively be seen on the new E-Fed, I decided to bite the bullet and order Vengeance so I could recap it as a warning to others...
Nice card set up. Three 'main events' and two of them with McMahon's in them. Bobo takes a lot of lumps for you folks, don't he? Damn right.
We've got Undertaker (who I love almost as much as genital warts) going against the embodiment of Rap is Crap, John Cena. Y'know, I liked Cena as the Prototype, and I could stomache 'Taker as a zombie in small doses, but this match has five minute squash all over it. Don't even get me started on the Junkyard Invitational being held in a bar - with DOINK and the BROOKLYN BRAWLER in attendance, no less. And of course, Torrie putting, pardon the pun, her ass on the line regarding the skills of Billy Gunn versus Jaime Knoble. You know what? I think she's lost her mind. All that lesbian stuff - then the Playboy thing, then the Girls Gone Wild. It's taken it's toll. No doubt. I kinda feel sorry for her, and am putting her in for the UDB right here, DK. Note it.
"So, Bobo," you might ask, "why the hell did you piss away thirty-five bucks on it?" For the wrestling, kid. Guerrerro/Benoit is money in the bank for a three-star minimum, and I expect to see good things from Kidman and Mysterio against the Burgundy Menace. Yeah, they'll probably be done in ten minutes each, but who knows? The triple threat deal all but insists Show jobs, but they've thrown me a curve or two before - like Booker in his hometown for the IC, but I digress...
The PPV is stated to be 5,280 feet above sea level. Yeah, that's about the only way I can see Vinnie 'elevating the new talent' too. Heh. The pre-game show replays the old bit with Angle battling back from the neck injury, and it's just so impressive that I can't begin to put it into words. Honest. No sarcasm. I thought Angle was finished - at the very least he would be out a year, and it's only been two months. Holy cow, that man loves wrestling for you folks. Respect it. It's fucking amazing.
Intro includes baby pictures of Gowen, Angle, Brock and Steph to show that they've wanted nothing else their whole lives but to be in this business... Followed by Vince explaining how everything goes as he says it does, and similar self-aggrandizement. Mixed bag, but Steph in that bowl-cut is hilarious.
Holy shyte. Guerrerro and Benoit are gonna curtain jerk for the US Title. Eddy comes out first in a new lowrider. Benoit comes out, and Cole and Tazz remind us how Eddy sprayed the Wolverine in the face with turtle-wax. The pad some time with Cioata explaining the rules, and then Eddy does a perfect impersonation of Jake Roberts in his thirlling blindfold match with Martel. There's some exchanges, but Eddy is basically stalling. They go to the mat, and Benoit gets back in it - but Eddy with the classic heel deal dives outside to stall some more. They get back in, and it's a mat classic with them going back and forth wrestling with enough chains for the Amistad. This match is mmensely entertaining, and they play up the whole 'evenly matched' deal, witha sprinkle of 'knowing each other well' with some move-for-move, and then Eddy grounds Benoit with a side headlock - and Eddy hangs on like crazy. They mess up, and you can see them talking to each other and they go to the old 'tombstone reversal' deal, only Benoit does a shoulderbreaker when he gets his chance - and follows it up with a suicida. Benoit's working Eddy's arm now - and I get a quick blink of some suburb during the match, courtesy of the guys in the trailer. Yeah, this really matters, huh guys?
Eddy's gotten the upper hand now, and is stomping Benoit dowm - then picks him up for a backdrop suplex that dumps Chris UGLY. Eddy picking his shots, taking the boots to Benoit, and now Eddy starts working the arm of Benoit. Benoit gets to his feeet, and they exchange chops to the 'Woo' of the crowd. Benoit turns it up a notch and splats Eddy with a Belly to Back Suplex from the top. Wotta bump! Very nice. Benoit rolls Guerrerro over, and gets two. They get shakily to their feet, and Eddy gets the triple German, but Eddy slips free at the second one. Benoit goes to the crossface, and Eddy barely gets his leg to the bottom rope for the break.
Benoit continues his assault, but a counter from Eddy gets his Triple Suplex off, but he takes the third one to the ringpost for a Superplex. Eddy's feelin' in control, and goes for the Frogsplash - Benoit almost rolls out of the way, and Eddy lands on his arm... It looks ugly. Benoit making a comeback gets the Crossface, and Eddy gets the ropes. The ref tries to separate them, and gets bumped. Eddy gets the belt. Waffles Benoit. Hits the frogsplash. Makes the pin... for TWO! Eddy goes and ets the title, and crushes the ref before he puts the belt on Benoit and lays down. Eddy slyly tries to revive the ref while looking KO'd. And that gives Benoit enough time to lock on the Crossface. Eddy taps instantly, since the ref is out.
Thank you, Virgil Runnels. Kindly drop dead.
Rhyno mnakes a run-in - and GORE! GORE!! GORES!!! Benoit! Eddy with the Frogsplash as the ref wakes up, and your US Champ is Latino HEEEEEEAT. Pretty shitty ending to a stellar match, but I guess they wanna build a rivalry we haven't seen a million times already. No, I'm not complaining. I could watch Eddy and Benoit work twice a day, they're that great.
Now Vince and Steph share a tender moment, and Vince is planning to go to Raw to confront Kane on Monday. He also puts over how he's a scumbag that doesn't care about his 'half-dead' old lady, since he's got Sable polishing the chrome now. Yay. Can't wait for that Sable/Steph match...
Next up, the Indecent Proposal Match... Gunn and Knoble, for Torrie's airbrushed ass. And Gunn is back to using the 'Ass-Man' music as he comes out with Torrie, who's in a top so skanky it defies description. Next out is Knoble, who's got a mic... And a 'love case' with all his toys and stuff to make Thursday the night of her dreams... Gunn has had enough, and waffles Jamie. Nice highspots from the kid, and it goes outside. Jamie's taking control, and Nidia comes out as he works Gunn's knee. A lot. Gunn manages to get off the 'One and Only' and they're going back and forth until Knoble gets a DDT off on Gunn from the top, and Nidia puts Gunn's leg on the rope to break the count. Some desperation interference from Torrie does awry, and Knoble gets the win - to Nidia's chagrin. It was that quick, folks, I'm not glossing it over. I wonder what'll be next as Knoble goes bugshit over putting the smackdown on Torries pink snapper this Thursday.
Now we get Funaki 'interveiwing' APA, and the guy gets an invite to the Brawl - and then the fucking Easter Bunny walks by. No shit. THe Bashems are out first, then the FBI, then the Easter Bunny. He even gets an entrance... Sigh. Matt Hardy shows up, amd Matt-Fact is he hates barfights.. Then Brother Love comes out. Then Doink. Then O'Haire. Then the APA. Looks like Kanyon's in there alrady, and a few more anonymous jobbers to fill the place out... And the rules are - the last man drinking wins? What? Brother Loves gets the stick, and calls for a commencement benediction. They couldn't possibly plan a feud with Love and the APA, but he says while he Looooooooooves them, he don't LIKE 'em. Love totally owns on them for being good little altar boys in the Alcolytes, and asks forggiveness before he waffles the Bashams and Spanky with a stool. It's on. It's so confused, I can't even begin to describe it, but the Easter Bunny is getting his ass kicked. That's kinda cool. Then Brother Love throws Shannon Moore headfirst through a mirror. Then Bradshaw throws the Bunny through a wall. Funaki's been sitting in the same chait the whole time, drinking. Hardy with a couple splashes on one of the Bashems. Funaki passes out. And eventually Bradshaw wins it with a bottle to the side of Brother Love's skimmer. I hope everyone's okay, that looked a bit messy.
Interrupt the reverly with news I can see the Mysterio deal I didn't buy on DVD only on PPV. Nah.
Now we got Knoble licking the Torrie Playboy, and generally unconcerned about Nidia 'not liking' he gets Torrie... Well, that means Thursday the little crumb gets the Blue Balls.
Kidman and Mysterio are next. YAY! All RIGHT! And they are followed out by the Burgundy Menace, who are the Champs... Much as I like Kidman and Rey as singles, I don't really feel them as a 'team'. And then Cole reminds me of the 'Filthy Animals' and I remember WHY I don't feel them as a team. It was awful. I blame Konnan, mostly.
It's a veritable clinic of highspots. Crucifix Ankle Scissors. Guillotine Legdrop on guy in the ropes. These Team Angle guys are supposed to be GREEN? Good gravy, I can't wait until they get SEASONED. And Kidman... Shooting Star to the OUTSIDE on the Burgundy Menace! Some cheating by the BM, and Kidman is playing Ricky Morton this evening. Then Benjamin with a nice set of variants on the Indian Deathlock, with a Bridging chinlock first - and then a surfboard. Billy manages to get clear, and Haas is in now. Kidman with the desperation move sends Haas to the floor, and crawls to make the tag, but Shelton makes the distraction and the ref doesn't see the hot tag and puts Rey out. The BMs whoop on Kidman some more, but he finally makes the tag and Rey goes berserk in there. Berserk. He gets the 619 off, but Kidman's so lumped up he doesn't get out of the ring in time, so the ref puts him out - missing the count.
Folks, the action from here gets quicker than I can type. It's an amazing display. Four stars minimum. But the BM gets off an UGLY team powerbomb from the top on Rey, and they retain. I'm cool with it. It's too soon for the Animals v3 to get the straps, but this puts a nice spin on what could be a REALLY nice feud.
Then they go to commercial, and I swear to God they're at a beach (Summerslam) when someone yells 'Shark!' Everyone flees the water, but Brock runs in and fucking F-5's the SHARK. I wish I was kidding. More than anything.
Now we're at the Steph/Sable deal, and here comes Steph out first, looking all of about 165 pounds, minimum. It's not a BAD 165, but it's far from 'Diva' level. And here comes Sable... (shudder) dancing 'seductively' to the ring. Steph charges out and drags Sable into the ring by her hair. Sable escapes into the crowd, but Steph drags her back out and clotheslines her. Sable somehow gets the upper hand, and works some kicks to the ribs of Steph, which gets a two-count. Steph tres punching her way free of Sable, and when you can hear the two of them talking crap to each other you know all you need about how much the crowd loves this mess. Then they start shilling Steph's 'Irish McMahon Temper' while Steph seems to be running out of gas in there. Then Sable almost loses her top. And then A-Train makes a run-in and AVALANCHES Steph in the corner. Sable wins. Steph is selling like crazy, and is helped to the back. You know, folks, as much as I don't like her, that was a fucking SICK bump to take that she didn't have to... The crowd cheers politely as she exits, and I have to agree with them. Good work, Chunky.
They replay the pertinent bits for the Cena/Taker thing, in case you forgot why they're going at it, and then Cena comes out and addresses the crowd. And he addresses Taker, and does a nice 'flow' the likes of which I haven't seen since Mike Myers spit the riddim on 'So I Married an Axe Murderer'. Blah. Now UT drives out... slowly. Oops, no bike. I guess that'll make this match ten minutes long - five with UT walking into the ring. And let the slow brawling commence... Taker in full control, with only academic level offense from Cena. Cena trying to hang on to the barrier, and Taker pulls him off - along with alot of the padding... Taker hits that Legdrop onto the guy with his head on the apron thing, and then with the ropewalk, then the chokeslam. Then the pin, but Taker pulls him up at two and goes for the Last Ride. Cena reverses, and Taker gets a big DDT! Cena doesn't cover, he starts taking off the turnbuckle pads instead... Taker looks to get up, and Cena stomps him to the mat and then goes back to the pad... Taker gets the haymaker right off, and Cena's staggering into the corner for a quick Avalanche. Taker goes for a second, and Cena dives clear - with the pad - and Taker eats the steel. Then Taker's tossed outside, and he hits the barrier. Cena drives him into it again, and then rolls Taker back in, who's bleeding from the mouth now.
Cena goes to work on 'the internal injuries', and Taker battles back. Goes for the Last Ride. Fails. Cena goes for the F-U. Fails. Taker with the Big Legdrop. Connects, for two. Taker goes to a Naked Choke, and the ref separates them long enough for Cena to wrap Takers ribs onbe with that big chain of his... Cena goes to the F-U and connects, for two.. Cena showing frustration, and throws Taker into the corner for that mounted ten-punch, but he gets that Last Ride and Taker wins. Barely. This feud has 'long story' all over it... Sigh.
The re-replay of the Gowan stuff, and you know something? I don't care anymore. I respect that the kid beat a serious fuck-you from the genepool dice, and I'm glad he's 'living his dream', but enough already. Vince comes out first, and he's sporting the best body a guy his age can get from the pharmacy... And then Gowen comes out, and he looks like a twerp. He then removes his leg, for no reason. And Vince bulls him around in a collar-and-elbow. And I get a flashback... There was this guy in our old backyard fed that must've weighed a hundred and fifteen soaking wet holding a cinderblock, and the only people he wanted to go against were me - who outweighed him by a hundred at the time, and this guy we called 'Tank' who was three hundred easy. The difference was, in those matches we would constantly try to talk the kid out of being in there...
Zach gets in some offense with a surprise toss to the outside on VKM, and follows up with a baseball slide and a one-legged Springboard Asai Moonsault... But then McMahon goes to a Single Leg Twist, and is working on Gowen's 'good' leg... Why the hell did they think I needed to be told that? McMahon's got the upper hand like a sumbitch, and is wiping the ring with Gowen. He even wraps his leg around the post. McMahon with a single-leg Boston Crab... And it looked like Zach tapped before he lunged for the ropes, but the ref lets it slide...
Zach trying to feed off the crowd Hogan style, and kicks VKM in the skimmer. Then he dives over him and hits him with a dropkick. Then he crotches him into the cornerpost, and returns the kneewrap the boss gave him... Three times. McMahon limping now, and Zach kinda hits a bulldog. Then a missile dropkick. He's going for the Moonsault. He gets two before VKM gets his foot on the rope.VKM bails and gets a chair, but the ref gets it away from him. Then Zach hits him with another dropkick, and tries for the moonsault again, but nobody home. Vince wins, while bleeding like a faucet. He scrams, and then Gowan gets slowly to his foot, and the crowd cheers for the plucky little so-and-so, who straps his leg back on and gives the thumbs up.
Quick segment with Eddy to pad the show some more, and it looks like the Benoit/Rhyno feud is on. Goody.
But first, let's make sure nobody forgot any of those key segments leading up to tonight's triple threat... Sigh.
First out is Show, then Angle, then Lesnar... Oh, and it's No-DQ for an extra bonus... Sigh x2.
Angle and Lesnar staredown, then attack Show. Show comes off the Hammer Throw with a Double Clothesline, and tosses Angle outside. Then he chokeslams Lesnar for two, save by Angle. Some more brawling around, and Show gets waffled by Dueling Trashcan Lids. They try to take him over, but get a Double Suplex from Show. Show tries for a Double Chokeslam, and gets Team Chokeslammed instead. Lesnar and Angle go at it, and Angle gets F-5ed. Angle rolls outside, and Show comes in for HIS F-5, so he's not left out. He gets it. Lesnar and Angle going at it outside while Show regroups, and Show yanks Lesnar in and makes with the bigman moves. Angle's bleeding from when Lesnar threw him through the stairs, and he tries to intervene while Show mounts Lesnar in the corner - and Lesnar hits a Running Powerbomb. JESUS! Angle's in there with a chair, and he waffles Lesnar, then Show. Lesnar's bleeding now, and Angle is in trouble as Show readies the table for some Olympic chokeslamming... But Angle counters and Angle Slams the Big Show through the table... Yike.
Show's flat on the outside, and Lesnar and Angle crawl to each other in the center of the ring, both donning the crimson mask. They brawl back and forth, and Angle gets tossed outside after grabbing the rope to foil another F-5. Lesnar moves to capitalize, and makes to Irish Whip Angle into the steel stairs, but Angle reverses. Angle tosses Lesnar into the ring, and makes with the German Suplex. Tries for two, but Lesnar blocks and tries a Discus Punch. Fails, and gets an End-Over-End Release German Suplex from the Olympian. Angle tries for the Angle Slam, but Lesnar counters and gets off a VICIOUS Spinebuster. Lesnar with a BodyScissors Rear Naked Choke with Armtrap, and he gets two arms before Show returns and Legdrops them both... Show covers them both, for two. Show gets the Double Chokeslam, and pins Lesnar for two. Then he pins Angle for two. Some brawling, and then Angle Slam for Show... Then Lesnar. Angle pins Lesnar... New CHAMPION!
You know what? This didn't suck HALF as much as I thought it would... Hope you enjoyed the recap at least as much as I enjoyed the overall presentation of this, Smackdown's First PPV. Too bad the next one is 'both brands' but hey... Can't win 'em all, right?
You're welcome. See you SOON.