Hello, my intended...
You know, I was thinking exactly how appropriate it is that Snickers
is sponsoring the Wrestlemania... Observe:
(Cut to interior, Vince McMahon's Office.)
HHH: Listen, Vince, the problem isn't me. The problem is stuff like Tough Enough exposing the business. I can draw, but the business is in a downturn. Yeah, that's the ticket... It's gonna bounce back any second now.
Nash (on speakerphone): Yeah, and I'm still working my ass off to get back once it does so I can take the credit and get another seven-figure deal.
HBK: And don't forget; nobody wants to see high flying action and skillful chain wrestling. They wanna see stars like me destroy people that can do that stuff - and they wanna see it done with one dynamic move.
Vince: Hmmm... That sounds logical...
Announcer: Gullibility. An unfortunate side effect of hunger...
I've always found it completely astounding that someone with the reported acumen of one Vincent K. McMahon Jr. was so easily snookered. Look at the thing with the World Restaurant Skim. Or the disastrous turns in several of the other 'side businesses'. A movie division that wants to make cartoons for TV? A music company with one band? These aren't exactly the sort of investments a business genius makes, now are they? No, clearly not. These weren't just bad investments, they were out and out CONFIDENCE GAMES and Vinnie Gump blinded in to 'the sure things' and got rolled by the grifters. Just like any other patsy...
I personally think it's funny that VKM crows about making the place with his bare hands, when all he really did was inherit it from the guy that DID. Inconvenient things, facts... Heh.
(Cut to lockerroom, WWe House Show)
Angle: I know I'm risking my career, maybe even my life; but I can't leave the WWe without having the Brock match we've been hyping to the moon. It won't be the first match I worked with a broken neck, right? Lesnar's gonna be EXTRA careful, though, we've worked it all out. Then a couple months off, and I'll be right back on top...
Jericho: Yeah, it's messy having to lay down as much as I do to Michaels, but I think he'll finally do the right thing and pass the torch at Wrestlemania. He wouldn't hurt the biz just for his ego. Wrestlemania is my time. I'm sure of it.
Kane: We're in a rebuilding phase. They say a few more tag-matches to open Raw and cement the tag-straps' legacy, and then I can go back to being a solo star. Hey, we're the only babyface team on the show now. That's gotta count for something.
Jeff: Okay, seventeen high-spots in two minutes? I can do that. (Pops eight pills and washes them down with grain alcohol) I love this job...
Announcer: Misplaced Loyalty. An unfortunate side effect of hunger...
This reminds me of the old 'shine with a pig' method good looking women use. You ever notice that the hot chicks always have some plain Jane or Ugh, of the Lee Sisters as a travelling companion? You know why, don't you? That's right, so they look even BETTER by contrast. Cookie for you. Thus, I feel that VKM perpetuates his 'genius' by surrounding himself with people that are even DUMBER than himself. Does anyone with two brain cells to rub together think Eric Bischoff is gonna get anything but the bum's rush as soon as they can pin the crummy Raw product on him? Look for HHH to get 'injured' at WM so they don't have any 'star power' for the next PPV, which will be 'Raw only'. Bad Blood, indeed.
Come on, fellas. The guy makes money off your sweat and blood and pain. It's all fuel to the fire of his ego. Nevermind that the stupid ideas are passed through him, just do it. If it works, he's a genius. If it fails, it's your fault. Don't take my word for it, ask Hector Guererro. Ask Perry Saturn. Ask D'Lo Brown. Oh wait, that's right...
(Cut to Executive Conference Room, WWe HQ)
Vince: Okay, here's what we'll do... We'll take every speck of legitimacy out of the product. We'll make every show a confusing mess that goes nowhere, and keep the same couple guys on top. Forever. The fans are morons, anyway. What could go wrong?
Hogan: Hey, who WOULDN'T buy the thing just to see me and Vince square off in the Main Event? It's been Twenty Years in the Making.š
Steph: Hunter loves me. He doesn't care about all the glitz and glory. (Sighs dreamily) I think we should hire Goldberg and job him to Hunter in two minutes flat. (Begins typing) Daddy? Where'd you leave the checkbook?
Undertaker: So I get the deal of showing the Aussie the ropes, elder statesman style...? Benefit from my guidance, eh? Hmm... Yeah, that worked GREAT with Big Show. I'll do it.
Announcer: Stupidity. An unfortunate side-effect of hunger...
Yep, there's no way around that one... You know why the Allies didn't just assassinate Hitler, despite countless chances? Because the guy was a total tactical moron and did more damage to his own cause than anything the Allies could throw at them. They knew his subordinates were stuck following his cock-eyed orders, and as long as he was giving them they couldn't do what needed to be done to succeed. If Hitler wasn't there monkeying things up from the top down, the Nazis might very well have WON.
This is a chilling parallel to the state of wrestling, which is coming under more fire these days than Saddam. The people that say wrestling is nothing but rubbish that should be taken off the air forever don't need to do SHIT to make their point except turn the shows ON.
In case you don't understand just HOW stupid things are, let me ask you a few questions... What other thing sells the worst stuff it can in a PLAN to alienate and drive away their loyal fans? What other business out there expects to make money by giving their customers anything BUT what they want? What other model expects the fans to keep spending their hard earned money on empty promises and reprehensible bullshit? What other show expects their viewers to tune in every week and be entertained when they don't even TRY to entertain them - and in fact do everything they can to NOT entertain them? Okay, I'll give you NWA-TNA, but that's all...
(Cut to WWe Thinktank - Suite 357)
HHH: I got it! I can be a racist! Everybody hates them, and I can make fun of the ni99ers! On live TV! My character's supposed to be a genius Cerebral Assassin, and everyone with intelligence knows the darkies are only good for picking cotton, playing ball, tapdancing, and shining shoes. The Bell Curve was written by a DOCTOR, right?
Steph: That's GREAT! (Begins typing) Uh, what's The Bell Curve?
Announcer: Naked Racism... An un... Holy shit. I don't think a fuckin'
Snickers can fix THIS one... I'm outta here.
What else can you call this? Do they think that they can say 'it's just a storyline' when they only have seven blacks working there - and that's counting both Rock's and Maven's half-breed asses as a whole black. Jazz, Jaqueline, Rodney Mack, Teddy Long, Booker T, and Shelton Benjamin are the others in case you didn't think they even had SIX. Nice how most of them are on the show 'that sucks worse', don't you think? Yeah, I like subtlety, too.
Of all the asinine things they could have done, this one buries the needle on the Stupid Meter. Oh, I know, they want to be 'controversial', right? They want the NAACP and ACLU to go TMI and join the PTC ASAP and get POed on CBS and CNN PDQ. Y? (Ahem) Why? Because racism is the last 'hot button' they HAVE, and have jammed their thumb down on it in a last desperate attempt to get people talking. To generate interest in the 'non-fan' demographic, which grows wider every day they insist on making us ashamed we like wrestling. The only thing that bugs me worse is that its a complete flip-flop from the Attitude Era... "Our fans want to be challenged by deeper storylines. Good guys and bad guys just doesn't work anymore. It's no longer simply blacvk and white - it's all shades of gray, and the new direction will reflect this."
Right. Guess it's no longer 'no longer black and white'. That should boost ticket sales. Heh.
Now we've officially entered into what can only be called 'The Disaster Era'. They've pretty much painted themselves into a corner and, amusingly enough, there's No Way Out. If HHH retains clean, it's a clear message of superiority over 'people like Booker'. If HHH retains via screwjob, then it's an even CLEARER message of racism ruling the show, as they conspired to and then held down a black man to preserve the status quo. If Booker wins (Must... Not... Laugh...) then it's only to be a 'paper' champion, much as Jericho was with absolutely nobody credible to defend the title against. It cheapens the title even MORE if Booker goes over, because then it's 'Affirmative Action At Work', instead of Booker's talent. And if Booker 'turns' and goes over via screwjob/help from Teddy Long? He's sunk. Can you imagine the furor (pun intended this time) over a dirty, no good, junglebunny stealing the Only Belt That Matters? Remember, Book's already admitted to being a thief... Brace for it. The only one that wins in this is HHH, who I figure will take a clue from his Kliq buddy Nash and sit out 'injured' until the world explodes and go, "See? I told you." That's what he did to Jericho, after all... Stick with what works, right?
And let's not forget: when you win the title in a racism angle, that makes EVERYONE THAT COMES AFTER THE BELT A RACIST, TOO! Can't you see them marching a new 'Great White Hope' out to try to take the strap each week? Guys like Test, for instance... Yeah, THAT'LL get him over HUGE. Imagine the chants that'll get going down South - ON LIVE TV.
That's why we don't DO racism angles, dumbasses. Short term attention for long term damage is NEVER a fair trade.
This is NOT going to be one that you can drop and pretend never happened, either. Racism is one 'hot button' that STICKS. Think how much The Nashville Network is going to appreciate carrying all that 'white racist programming' so soon after trying to shed their hillbilly roots. Especially when it becomes common knowledge that THEY ASKED FOR MORE OF IT. Think how much UPN is going to appreciate trying to sell advertising on something so contrary and offensive to their largely urban demographic. Yep, it's the Disaster Era. Climb aboard, and strap in.
You're welcome. See you SOON.