To Kill on Thursday
Originally Posted: 1-30-03
Hello, my intended...
As ever, your old buddy Bobo has decided to pitch in and help you make sense of the world... What's going on at this juncture? What's all the buzz about? More importantly, what do I think about it? Heh.
First off, if you recall, I had asked in the <a href="http://www.theringpost.com/cgi-bin/ib3/topic.cgi?forum=1&topic=48">Forums</a> here: 'Since Flair is pretty much the JJ Dillon of the 'new' Horsemen, who will they get for the fourth?' Imagine my surprise when I see that it seems to be Jericho.
Me and my big mouth, right? I just HAD to ask, right? Sheesh. Let me apologize for that here and now. I never thought for a million years that they'd use Y2J, since he was pissing his career away putting the Hugely Boring Kid over. How the hell is that going to work now? Steiner and HBK on a team against the Four Horsemen v8.0 - now with added God Power? What the FUCK are they doing with Steiner as a FACE? There's no such thing as a monster/killer FACE! DIPSHITS! I used to think I was kidding about calling them a bunch of typing chimps, but no longer. Even typing chimps couldn't botch things up in such boggling perpetuity! Watching Raw was tougher for me than a Gong Show marathon, and with almost as much forward planning on the writer's parts - or talent on the performers parts. I got three words for Brian Gerwitz: Witness Relocation. NOW.
Hogan and McMahon training to put on a five-star classic at Mania? Yeah, as stupid and as sorry as this is DEFINITELY gonna be - and I was one of the guys that thought the Hogan/Warrior II match 'might not be so bad', so you can better gauge the doom in this forecast - it's gonna sell tickets. It's gonna up the buyrate. They might even bring Eric in for a three-way dance so Vince can REALLY swing his cock around. After a guy says on National TV that he doesn't even answer to GOD, (Riiiight, so explain HHH still in the spotlight. Ooops) do you think for ONE second Vince isn't gonna go over? You're not THAT simple, are you? Hogan has a better chance of inventing a time machine so he can win the Rumble. Hogan is Hogan. Trying to make Hogan into 'Stone Cold' for a rehash of 'Vince 3:16' is asking for trouble on a level comparable to designing a submarine with screendoors and test piloting it in a lake of quicksand. Hogan is not a 'bad ass' - he's a 'good ass'. Though after all these years, I'm still at a loss to discern 'good for what?'.
They may or may not sign Goldberg to work two whole matches against the Rock... Bad idea. Not just because it'll further demoralize the doubtless dejected to the point of having the suicide hotline on speed-dial locker room crew, but because it's been YEARS since Goldberg's been in the spotlight. When you've spent as long as they have touting how the 'competition' was never able to hold a candle to them, how is bringing in their old flagship gonna sail? For crying out loud, how many people do they think REMEMBER the guy? Most of the people that saw him 'wrestle' have long since changed channels, and that leaves what? The people that saw his movies? He was a plug in Universal Soldier 2, and don't get me STARTED on him being Oliver freakin' PLATT's cheerleader at the end of Ready to Rumble... 'You can do it, buddy! Yeaaaah!'. No. No, you can't. The only thing I can hope for is he 'accidentally' Hansens the People's Block off like he did Bret back in the day... 'There ya go, brother... Now you can make movies about people that drool when they smile.'
JR gets more out of touch every day. I've seen avalanches with less momentum going downhill than Saucy McSooner's relevance. Shaft as a black superhero? Granted, there aren't a ton of them, but to pick SHAFT?! That dumb mother- (Shut your mouth!) Then his dogged insistance to call any kick Hurricane does either a 'Shining Wizard' or a 'Modified Shining Wizard' is clearly intended to piss off anyone that has an inkling of a wisp of a hint of a clue what a Shining Wizard really is, and that he does it on purpose. Which I guess proves he hates me back. Hooray for me! One more for the good guy! Not to advocate someone putting a bullet in 'Hoss', or anything, but I'll pay double for the first bottle of glue he makes - just be sure to put a little black hat on the top, and the spent shell at the bottom.
Eric Bischoff's time is running out. Or more to the point, if Vince is gonna slap a huge humiliation on him before his contract expires and he gets the Jarrett - like we all pretty much expect him to with the same surety that we opine the sun will rise in the East - he'd better get to it. Fast. If I was Eric, I'd no-show that last two Raws and leave Vinnie standing there with his pants down waiting for his 'goodbye kiss'. Nobody thinks for one second that Bisch is gonna stay around, and Bisch probably knew it was gonna go down this way from the first onscreen hug. I sure did, and I'm not smart enough to work in the Big Leagues. I'm TOO smart to do it... Heh. God knows the last thing they want over there is a Wrestling Fan! Nosuh! Won't have such an awful thing as THAT in the house!
The Undertaker is back... Yay. You know, I didn't TRULY appreciate the 'Suck Lite' version of Smackdown until the Deadman creaked back into the picture. My bad there. Listen, fellas, if you take him away again, I swear I'll mark out like a fuckin' drunken hillbilly. Really. Even for the Cena matches! What say? .....No, huh? Okidoki. Then I'm gonna rake you over the coals so other people will laugh at you. You asked for it. It's not like I hate the Undertaker ALL the time, mind you... There was a couple minutes I even liked him. Like when he decked JR and shoved his face into Vince's ass, for instance. That was cool... Then it was over. I've moved on. He moved on to a stellar program featuring threatening death on Jeff Hardy. Not that I like the Hardy Boyz - especially not the gay one - but beating up people half your size (pay attention, Brock/Albert/Show/DeMott) is not how you get people to think you're a bad ass... Just that you don't seem too interested in scrapping with people YOUR size, which lemme tell ya doesn't exactly help your 'toughguy' mystique. Not that you big blobs lumbering around clumsily pawing at each other is gonna put asses in the seats, either, mind, but it goes a bit farther towards the personae you're all striving to sell.
Teddy Long finally returns (I had thought they fired him to bring in Baby Huey - er, Hebner) and looks to be the Return of the Male Manager that Rico couldn't pull off (probably because of the 'Male' requirement). That's a good thing. Him being teamed with D'Lo and helping to sell 'Down wid da Brown' as a catchphrase to forward The Struggle? Bad thing. To quote a great entertainer (who happened to be black), Redd Foxx once said: 'If you put both you two bald motherfucker's heads together, you'd look just like somebody's ass.' That's what I think D'Lo Brown's new schtick is: Half Assed. Since they're on Raw, how long before they approach Booker do you think? Get a stopwatch... Hey, he did G.I.Bro, right? He wore a flannel shirt and fake beard while Dustin sang 'The Lumberjack Song'. He let Austin hit him with a supermarket. He worked a WCW Championship match with Bush-League Rusty Bagwell. He'll OBVIOUSLY do anything... So make him.
Al Wilson is dead. Thanks God! I knew You were There! Good lookin' out! And to make matters even BETTER, there was no Torrie vs. Dawnie on SD - likely trimmed so they can fit in the Nathan Jones and Sean O'Haire vignettes... Still no clue as to which show they get on, but it's truly just a matter of a month of crushing cruiserweights and other job-horses before jobbing out in turn to UT/HHH, so it really doesn't matter where they end up, as I see it. Quick push for some heat. Job to the Real Stars. Work Velocity. Be released. You think Snow is enlightening the TE kids on that formula? Naaaah, they'll find out the same way he did.
Speaking of being released, how dumb is it that they flushed Raven and Aldo? It's not like they were raking in the mailbox money, so them 'cutting costs' seems a bit of a load, dudnit? Oh, wait, maybe the different brands have a maximum roster size, like the NFL and other pro sports, and they had to be cut to make room for the new talent being brought in? Yeeeeah, THAT'S the ticket. We'll fire a guy that's dynamite on the stick, and one that's dynamite in the ring, and bring in two big unproven lugs and pay each of them TWICE what either of the guys we fired made together. And they have the nerve to act surprised they're going out of business? Sheesh.
"And... uh, Did I mention you had a chokeslam?" RVD is starting to really put over the subtle humor with the stoner delivery. That means this team has to be broken up, or likely paired with Steiner and HBK as a Four Horsemen vs. Four Not-the-Horsemen deal. You know? That might actually be something I'd watch... Sad, huh? RVD vs. Orton... Steiner vs. HHH... Kane vs. Batista... HBK vs. Jericho...
And Ric? You're the drummer.
You're welcome. See you SOON.