Originally Posted 6-29-03
Hello, my intended...
Just when Ross thought it was safe to touch a fucking typewriter again... Here comes the man, the Myth, the MONSTER that IS... Bobo Quite FIENDISH. And why? Because I fucking hate everything that bag of shit in the black Resistol hat stands for - as well as what he DOESN'T stand (up) for. Us. The fans. The talent. The people that are NOT 'the brass', but still bust their humps for the company that he steals money from every week for 'announcing', which never seems to mean actually calling the matches or putting over anyone - but rather to shill, shill hard, and shill long everything BESIDES what's happening in the ring. For that, Ross, you have become the perenniel and penultimate yes-man. A sad parody of a 'talent agent' who buries the talent and praises the gimps and assholes that bury them some MORE. I've seen things with more backbone than you've got doing the backstroke in a PETRE DISH.
Yeah... For fun, let's see what Ross is up to... What the-? Stealing from David Letterman? That's getting pretty popular, huh, Norm? This pleases me.
JR's Top Ten Pet Peeves About Certain Types of Wrestlers
Whom JR, of course, will not mention by name... For that we need someone
with BALLS.
10) Con men who think they are getting away with something and outsmarting
the system.
Like everyone I cream my jeans for 20 minutes in to the live show...
9) Talent with poor time-management skills who are always late for
work.
Luckily, since HHH and Nash have no talent, nobody can call me a fucking
liar. For that, anyway...
8) Always a 'steak-eater' in catering, but can't perform with bumps
and bruises.
But God KNOWS you can't POSSIBLY go on if you lost your SMILE.
7) In the business simply for the money.
Unlike me, who's in it to sell cookbooks and BBQ sauce... For, uh...
JUSTICE!
6) Playing video games in the locker room when the should be observing
their peers in the ring and learning something.
After all, how can you learn 'fuck the boss's daughter' from SONY?
5) Veterans who don't know when to 'hang 'em up' and are holding
back good young talents.
Unless they also shove my face into Vince's ass... Then it's cool.
4) Great body, no heart... muscle-heads with a baby-oil fetish.
Especially when that could be barbecue sauce and SOONERS! What a WASTE!
3) Dressing room lawyers.
Lawyers just complicate things with their talk about 'rights' and 'fair
compensation', anyway...
2) Liars.
Unless they live in my mirror. Or could fire me.
1) 'I don't mind doing it, personally, but my character says no.'
On your fucking KNEES, Torrie, and you better SWALLOW.
How people see the Undertaker now...Scary, huh?
Just in case anyone was wondering, yeah, I kinda did see some of the 'comments' the big stars of the two brands (HHH and Undertaker) had to say about us in the IWC (IWC? International Writing Club? Irrational Walking Committee? Internet Wrestling Critics? AH!) and let me just say first and foremost that for people that don't seem to 'give a damn' about us, why in the FUCK would they bother to lambast and/or cast aspersions about us? In case you didn't know, it's because they're a bunch of fucking hypocritical scum-nuts who think denegrating 'a vocal minority' will back us off or damage our credibility. Ah, it is to laugh. Heh.
But, since I'm not the sort of guy to take shit lying down, I decided to reply to his witty banter... Everyone else was on HHH like ugly on an ape, but I hate Helmsley a bit less than 'The Red Devil', so I decided to have my special brand of fun.
I don't really
have too many positive things to say about the Internet
Since it is new, and all new things must be held down.
a lot of people are self professed experts that have never been in
the ring
I have been in the ring, Mark. And I jobbed. You should try it. As
for the self-professed expert thing, I am an expert in two things: Construction,
and Martial Arts. And not the cute, high flying stuff either - the grab
a guy and hurt him stuff, sprinkled with occasional punches. I have many
certificates extolling the level of these two skills, which is a very high
level indeed. What do YOU have? A bandanna feverishly trying to cover your
receding hair? You must be very proud of that... Heh. Oh, and your lovely
wife...
never booked a territory
I have booked matches, and run an entire promotion. Sure, it was online,
but I did what your highfalutin' WWe writers still can't... I made an entertaining
show. I elevated the talent. I got everyone over. And I sometimes jobbed
the top guys to do it.
and never been responsible for their writing actions.
I have also showed up for many nice scuffles because someone didn't
like the things I wrote about them. My willingness to show up for these
is rooted deeply in the fact that I was more than likely to win these little
scuffles, but hey 'give the people what they ask for' is my motto...
But a lot of people can sit back and criticize what we do.
And they do. Thanks for your permission, though. Really. It means alot.
(Must... Not... Laugh...)
I try not to pass judgments till I walked in someone’s shoes.
Unless it's my judgment that they could draw better than I either now
or in the distant future, in which case I devalue them as promptly as I
can - usually by 'defeating' them with minimal effort.
If it was up to the Internet and we did what they suggested there
would probably be a lot whole lot less people watching.
My 'suggestions' to this date have been myriad and well-received. Foremost
amongst them was to try to recapture a sense of order in the shows. To
make things matter again. To build towards a decent payoff... AND DELIVER.
That you think this is ludicrous is pure proof that the only people you're
concerned about watching the program are the shitheads who think you're
still an unbeatable monster star.
They are a very small group.
Check the buyrates for Bad Blood to see how small we are, Mark... Or
the ratings slide since 1998. Inconvenient things, facts...
I am not talking about the all of the Internet there are a lot of
fan based sites that are really good
Especially the ones that are devoted to me. Those ROCK. Both of them...
Funny that you're not enough of a 'Superstar' to get a site ON WWE.COM,
idnit? Let's laugh together... Heh.
and they remember that they are fans.
And that is all they remember... God help us if any of them saw any
tapes from when the show was any good, though. Then it's back to square
one....
But these guys that think they are wrestling experts
I don't think it, Mark. Jiu Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, and Pancrase ARE ALL
forms of wrestling I've been extensively trained in. Expert level trained.
You know why I didn't 'get into the business'? Because there's no union,
no healthcare, no retirement benefits, and no money if you don't kiss every
ass in sight. You don't mind these things, and that's fine. I just think
it's a bit... incongruous that such a 'badass' so willingly admits that
he kisses ass for money. YOUR words, pal. 'You saying you won't kiss his
ass? You think you're better than ME?'
I think they are a joke
Well, fair's fair on that one. I've thought you were a joke since the
day you showed up with a Zombie Gimmick. Don't get me started on your 'It
Didn't Work For Brian Addams' Big Bad Biker deal... I've kicked the shit
out of a good share of 'tough bikers', so the whole presentation's pretty
laughable to me. Who exactly DO you scare, Mark? Old ladies and Matt Hardy?
they are people who forgot they are only fans.
Fans are supposed to LIKE the shit, no questions asked.
They take themselves way too seriously.
You mean like believing their own bullshit? You mean like getting pissed
off when people criticize them, and retaliating with blanket statements
and generalized derrogation? Wow, no wonder you don't like it... Y'know,
for such a 'badass' he sure gets in a snit over what 'jokes' like us have
to say about him... I'd even go so far as to say that we hurt his widdle
feewings. Awwwww. There, there, Mr. American Badass... It'll be okay...
They need to remember that we do this for their entertainment
So why aren't we entertained? Oh yeah! Because you suck at it.
and should stop critiquing and enjoy it for what it is.
Crap. Pure, unadulterated crap. Everyone loves it... Really!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
What else can I say, except:
You're welcome. See you SOON.