Hello, my intended...
Sorry I'm not gonna do my usual musing to get your little brains tired prior to the recap as in my ongoing quest to rescue my failing 120GB drive, another of the 120GB is now failing. Just my bad luck, I guess. I had bought a replacement 120GB to assist my data rescue efforts (so I could use it while I sent the failing one back to Maxtor for a warranty replacement) but now that plan is officially shot in the ass.
In short, I've been trying to save what amounts to years of downloads and creative effort in what could only be considered borrowed time before the ailing drives shut down completely. So if you're worried about how I haven't answered any Emails or been on the chatrooms for you, all I can say is: Get used to it.
Oh, and still no word on my laptop. Just in case you're following the whole sad affair at home...
Tonight's Raw will come at us from Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, California. Standard Raw Intro, followed by a picture of Bischoff, followed by a picture of Foley. Yep, right back where we started. Quick blurbs of exposition on what you missed with Foley being brought on as a consultant who can interestingly hire himself as a GM, and then used his powers to show Eric what an ass he's been by firing all the heels - and then decking him and clamping on Socko.
Tonight's show will start with Jericho and Christian jerking the curtain (like I said, right back where we started, huh Chris). Oh, and Ross is back to saying Slobberknocker. Seems the Hard Luck Canucks have a title shot against the Dudleyz, but first they want to address the 'rumors' that have been floating around about them having some sort of bet about bagging Trish and Lita, but they want to clear the air and fix things... So Trish and Lita come out, and they make with the scowlies. Jericho asked what the problem is, and Trish holds up a Canadian Dollar. Jericho says that it was all a joke, and tries to schmooze things over. They also offer flowers as Chris tells Trish 'she knows the real Jericho', and she's not buying it. Neither is the crowd, and they're getting pretty damn steamed that they're not getting any wrestling for their expensive wrestling tickets. Then Trish and Lita slap the Chrises with the bouquets (to a mild pop) and that'll bring in the Dudleyz. Christian and Jericho bail to the outside so we can bring you some exciting...
Trish and Lita remain at ringside and Dvon continues whomping on Christian. Blind tag to Jericho, who gets powerslammed after Christian falls out the ring. Tag to Bubba, who charges in on Jericho and Christian trying to regroup in the corner for an Avalanche. Y2J reverses an Irish Whip and Christian trips him up so Jericho can feed Bubba a seated dropkick to the skimmer. That turns the tide, and they work the standard 'Heels Cut off the Ring' on Bubba, who will play Ricky Morton tonight instead of the usual Dvon. Jericho with a Spinwheel Kick ruins Bubba's first attempt to get out of peril. They work Bubba over some more, but Bubba gets in a Samoan Drop on Y2J and starts crawling to the corner. Both sides hot tag, and Christian gets a BBD. Jericho gets slammed trying to save Christian, and then Dvon hits a flying clothesline on Christian. Jericho saves him and they work a doubleteam, with Christian getting a Lionsault off on Bubba, who was tagged back in. Bubba Bomb on Christian, but Jericho makes the save by pulling the ref out the ring. Bedlam ensues, and it leads up to the Hard Luck Canucks being set up for a stereo Wassup from Lita and Trish. Dudleyz win. Not a bad match, but I'm not sure it's appropriate to avenge the prospect of being used as a sexual object by putting your head in someone's crotch... Maybe it's just me?
Flair is in the back with Orton and Batista, and Flair assures Evolution that HHH is here tonight, but he's not going anywhere near the ring, since all he has to do after Kane and Goldberg destroy each other tonight... Further, RVD is gonna get softened up for Orton's title shot by Dave Batista tonight. So much talking, and so little actually said... Par for the course, really... How fucking super boring and bland can you be that even FLAIR can't get you over? It's Evolution!
Cut to the Chrises bitching to Bischoff about Lita and Trish costing them the Tag Straps, and Bischoff makes a Battle of the Sexes Tag Match where Jericho and Christian will face Trish and Lita. The Chrises seem fairly happy that their careers are heading for the toilet at just under Mach Four, as nobody could be stupid enough to NOT think that the Dudleyz or somesuch will run in and put the chicks over. Guess what, guys? You just lost an Armageddon buy.
Batista is coming out with Flair for a non-title match against RVD. The crowd is DEAD SILENT as Dave does his 'scary monster' thing. Cue RVD to come out, and the crowd wakes up a little, but when you can hear the amps vibrate you can tell how bored the crowd is, right? RVD locks up with Dave, and gets some kneelifts and Big Boy Beatdown. Irish whip to the corner, and Dave runs in to capitalize and eats a knee followed by a high cross body. A couple quick dropkicks sends Dave to the floor to regroup, and RVD gets yanked out for some clubbing forearms to the back. RVD back in the ring quickly, and he kicks Dave in the shin on the apron to slow him down, but Dave's working the unstoppable thing and starts choking Robbie all over the place, then Super Irish Whips RVD into the buckles and that gets a two-count. RVD is tossed to the floor, and Dave jumps out and clubs him against the barrier and then rolls him back inside for a vertical suplex and another two-count.
Dave clamps on a chinlock so he can catch his breath, and the crowd chants for RVD to get him to Hulk Up. Robbie gets loose and tries to get in some offense, but is Spinebustered coming off the ropes. Dave puts RVD in the Tree of Woe and tries to run in on him, but blows the spot and RVD tries to save it by getting in a dropkick to Dave as he falls down. Legsweep takes Dave over again, and Rob then feeds him the Rolling Thunder and Stepover Heelkick. RVD goes to the top and Flair tries to intervene, but Naitch gets kicked in the mouth. RVD feeds Dave a jumping back thrust kick and Dave tries to retaliate with his Powerbomb, but Rob gets out of it and kicks Dave to the mat. RVD tries for the Split Legged Moonsault, but Flair cracks him on on the chin to knock him off the top and Dave takes it home with Take Two on the Powerbomb thing. Not a bad match all told, but Dave looked greener than a fairway in there with RVD with those blown spots and off timing. I shudder to think how he'll look in there with HBK, who has a thing for showing up the youngsters that'll be the future.
Jindrak and Cade in the ring explaining that they're not whiners, they're winners. (Suuuuure you are.) They're opponents will be Venis and Storm, and Jindrak and Cade start things off early getting in some cheap shots while Val and Lance try to get the crowd into it. Cade starts off with Lance, and he's thrashing him. Nothing special, so he tags in Jindrak, who suplexes him. Tag to Jindrak, who clamps on a rear naked choke. Tag to Cade, Hot tag to Venis. Venis goes bersek in there with kneelifts and lariats for everybody, but is schoolboyed by Jindrak and that's the match.
Boy, that fucked up a BUNCH of people's credibility, there, huh?
Cut to Kane explaining how he killed a dog when he was a kid. As a guy that's made a serious study of various dementia on both sides of the couch, I'll provide a quick summation: Fucking BORING. Kane's gonna end Goldberg's reign at Armageddon, and that'll make him feel good about himself... I reiterate: Fucking BORING. Can you believe this guy had charisma while he was masked? What happened? Does anyone remember? Does anyone care?
And they finally bring out Foley to start off the second hour... He's got a microphone, and a clipboard. He explains that he's here to make things right, and if Flair involves himself with the Orton match - it would not be right. So he's gonna be the Special Referee for that match so that maybe someone will buy Armageddon now...
Anyone? Anyone? The answer is No.
Now La Resistance comes out and challenges Foley's mission to 'make things right' and ask why he humilated them. They call Foley a joke, and say that if the French went to Iraq they would SURELY have found the Weapons of Mass Destruction, and the French are better lovers and fighters and Foley has to salute the French flag or get a beating. Foley says he likes French Fries, French Toast, and et cetera, but he'll be damned if he's gonna salute their damn flag. They move in to beat on Foley 'French Style' (their words, not mine) and over the PA we are asked if we Smell-la-la-la-la!!!
No, I don't. I shower. Dunno about the Anaheim crowd, though... Anyway, Rock comes out and the place goes bananas. La Resistance is confounded. Rock says that he knows everyone here in Anaheim. Foley. The People. Ross and Lawler. Lilian Garcia (who he asks whether she still likes the streudel). But he doesn't know who the two French Popcorn Farts. Way to bury the new talent, Duane. Rock then explains that he and Foley will slap off their French lips and then pick them up off the mat and make them kiss their American asses.
The French guys get mad and say that they'll win the Tag Team Turmoil. Rock says that it's impossible, because of two things. They're French - and they suck. More French bashing from the Rock to pad the segment... Then Rock says they can prove how tough they are 2 on 2. All hell breaks loose as the Frenchies toss Rock over the ropes and stomp all over Foley. Rock recovers and runs back into the ring to clean house and Rock Bottoms Conway. Dupree backjumps him and dances happily, but Rock flips upright and Spinebusters him. He bounces up and Foley hits the Socko. Then Rock hits the People's Elbow... Then Foley hits the Cactus Elbow. The French retreat.
Rock signs Foley's petition to get Austin reinstated, and then leaves the ring. See you in another six months, Duane. I'd like it better if you stretched it out to, oh, forever...? Be a pal.
Bischoff and Coach mull over the ramifications of Rock showing up, and Eric says that he's had Rock escorted out of the building. He's also gonna make the Goldberg/Kane match tonight a Lumberjack Match, and he'll hand pick the Lumberjacks. Yeah, that always works great...
Next up, Booker T. Think he'll fight Henry again? They couldn't be that retarded, could they? Nope, it's a tag match... Booker's partner is - Rosie and Hurricane? Okay, a six-man then... They'll face... Steiner and Test... And Mark Henry.
What did I just say? Why you no listen? WHYWHYWHYWHY?
Test starts off against Rosie, and feeds the fat guy a kneelift and some brawlies. Rosie fights back with a lariat and a splash. Rosie grabs Test's legs and tags in Hurricane, who hits a Guillotine Legdrop. Hurricane comes off the ropes to capitalize, and gets a Tiltawhirl Slam. Tag to Steiner. Belly to Belly Suplex on Helms. Tag to Test, who takes the boots to Helms. Irish Whip, but Hurricane hits a desperation shot and gets the tag to Booker T. Booker cleans house, up until Henry clubs him to oblivion while he tries to get in the Scissor Kick on Test. Henry then Gorilla Press Slams Hurricane, and then SUPER Spinebusters Rosie. That looked pretty ugly. What next, you think?
Commercials. Don't you hate when they break up a match like that? Does it make you want to buy tickets to see the shows live so you don't have to deal with it? Me neither.
Booker T is still getting thrashed, and Test tags in Henry, who makes with the Papabear Beatdown before tagging in Test again. Steiner is busy working the crowd, who is chanting 'Steiner Sucks'. Test tags Henry back in, and we resume the punching before Henry shows us a wrestling move. An Iron Claw to Booker's shoulder, followed with a Chinlock. Booker tries to fight his way free, but gets a Spinning Gorilla Press Slam and then clamped back into the Chinlock. Booker fighting his way out again, but gets clotheslined out of his boots. Tag to Steiner after Hurricane breaks up a Henry pinfall attempt. The crowd seems to fucking HATE Steiner for some reason, as their booing is as lively as they've been all night. A couple Belly to Bellies, and Test is tagged back in to clamp Booker in a Bearhug. Booker punches loose and then hits a Spinebuster on the hapless Test and crawls to his corner... Tag to Hurricane, who hits a HIGH crossbody from the top buckle.
Then all Hell breaks loose. Hurricane tries that Skipping Enzugiiri, but Test ducks it and hits the Full Nelson Slam. Test then Eats an Airplane Spin to Samoan Drop from Rosie, which looks pretty nice, all things considered. Steiner in and flings Rosie over with a Belly to Belly Overhead Release. Booker runs in and Sidekicks Steiner. Henry in, and Booker kicks him in the mush, knocking him out of the ring. Test in now and he gets a Bookend. It's all over the place, until Henry puts Hurricane in a Bearhug and crushes all the life out of the little fella... The ref calls for the bell because Helms can't continue. To top things off, Henry does the same thing to Booker when he tries to save the superhero... The match had some nice pacing and good spots, but they're not really getting over the Tag Team Turmoil OR the Booker/Henry feud... No offense, guys, but how many times do you want us to see these guys go at it for free before expecting us to pay for it - and what color is the sky in THAT odd little world?
Eric's Lumberjacks include Evolution AND Mark Henry AND... Well, that's it. Excited yet? No? Well, sit there and we'll bring you up to speed on the card for Armageddon. Excited yet? Geeze. what do you WANT, people? Wrestling?
Tough shit! Here comes Trish and Lita. But first... You guessed it!
Molly and Victoria are destroying Trish whne we return to the show. Molly looking pretty chubby there, and Trish flings her over with a Ankle Scissors. Molly with a couple slams, then tags in Vic who nails Trish with a Slingshot Somersault Legdrop. Vic then hits a Spinning Pancake and then tags in Molly for some quick double-teaming. Jericho and Christian are scouting their Armageddon opponents from the top of the ramp while Molly Irish Whips Trish to the corner and tries to hit the old Muta Rush, but Trish scrambles to the top to try another Ankle Scissor - but Molly counters with a Powerbomb (VERY NICE) and goes for the cover. Lita breaks it up. Trish then tags her in, and she starts to clean house - until Matt Hardy shows up to distract her. Vic and Molly hit a Tandem Sidewalk Slam (Lita lands pretty ugly there) in the confusion to wrap things up, and the heels win.
It's now 10:55 and the Evolution Lumberjacks are coming to the ring... Henry's already there. Now Kane comes out... (10:56) Pyro. Final Fantasy X-2 is sponsoring Armageddon, huh? That's kinda funny. (10:57) Goldberg starts walking to the ring from way back in the back... (10:58) Goldberg's Pyro + Entrance. Bill immediately starts punching the shit out of Kane and then takes him down with a clothesline. Kane hits an Uppercut from the mat and then tosses Bill out to the Jacks, who work him over and throw him back in. Kane gets a kick in, and then goes to a test of strength. Bill tosses Kane over in a Judo Throw and Kane yanks Bill out to the floor through the rops and gets worked over again. Kane covers Bill when the Jacks toss him back in, and gets two. Kane throws Bill to the corner and follows him in real close for a clothesline. Gets two. Kane with a Sidewalk Slam for another two. Kane with an Irish Whip and puts Goldberg in a Sleeper. Goldberg going down, but digs deeps and elbows free. Bill with some brawlies Kane tries for the Chokeslam, but Bill takes him over with a Fireman's Carry. Kane is tossed outside, and the Lumberjacks don't touch him. Bill jumps out and smashes Flair and Henry. Bill and Kane back in, and Kane is taken down in Goldberg's Powerslam Whip. Then Orton charges the ring and tries to hit the RKO, but is denied. Batista attacks Bill, and that'll get the DQ. All the Lumberjacks in now working over Bill, and Booker T runs out to make the save. He gets beat up because black guys can NOT save the day on Raw. EVER. So Shawn Michaels comes out and cleans house, feeding Kane a Superkick and Goldberg hits the Spear on Kane to close the show...
There were some pretty good matches in this convoluted mess, but I think we missed much of them during the commercial breaks. Sad, ain't it?
Don't buy Armageddon. Just some free advice from your old buddy, Bobo...
You're welcome. See you SOON.