Sublime in the Coconut
Originally Posted 12-1-03

Hello, my intended...

As predicted last week, Best Buy quickly realized they were out of their depth trying to fix things which are broken using Pakistanis reading from support-scripts and have sent my beloved laptop to Hewlett-Packard for them to work over with their slightly better-trained Pakistani piece-workers. The tentative date of release for my Little Buddy is the end of December - or Earth - presumably whichever would be less convenient...

Does this change my feelings towards Best Buy? Nope. It's still my church, and I will still go there to prey upon the altar of technocracy. (No, it's not a typo.) Does it change my opinion on the HP brand for laptops? Nope. The damn thing was a HORSE that gave me no trouble whatsoever despite me working it like a fourth-grader in a Nike factory. For crying out loud, I was playing VICE CITY on it! I was burning ten CDs a day! I was processing Digital Vid for transfer over the network and burning to DVD. If it weren't for the crappy wiring at the house I was toiling away in, it'd still be chugging along like a champ. I'd go so far as to endorse the darn thing, but the lawyers figure I need some corporate-sponsor style gravy before I start doing that kind of shit.

Besides, I actually need to HAVE some popularity before I try whoring it out... Heh. Hey, maybe I should send some e-mails to a few choice webcomic sites to get some pointers on sucking corporate cock for free swag? I'm sure there's some secret to it, since most of them claim to have 'integrity' with the jizz still clearly on their chins. Nah, then I'd be a fucking hypocrite, too. There's enough of those out there already without me adding a PayPal click-button to beg you lot for money so I can 'justify' continuing this little writing hobby of mine. If you'll recall, I didn't even have a Wish-List at Amazon for my birthday - and I worked on a Recap that birthday, to boot!

Does that make me special? Does doing these things for the sake of an article - or any other piece of 'free entertainment' to post on the internet - place me on a higher plane than others? No, clearly not. Like I said in a few of my rants, I do this because I want to. Period. I will stop someday, sure. That will ALSO be when I choose to. Unlike unnamed others, though, I don't think you should fucking pay me to keep at it. I don't even think Dave should. He's paying enough as it is to keep those popups and banners and shit off the efforts of the staff here, so that you - the wrestling fan - can get a few grins and maybe some news without getting attacked by 'Buy Some Shit or We Pull the Fucking Plug on You, Asshole!' extortion.

Say it with me now... "Thanks, Dave!"

Besides, when it comes to money I have a pretty good paying day job. I even LIKE it, most of the time... Believe me, it's a lot more fulfilling than being an 'artiste' holding out their hat to Joe Public for their daily bread while inwardly reciting an elitist mantra about how much better than and 'above' Old Joe they are. Bah.

Oops. I think I'm all warmed up now... Vince and the boys are gonna fucking eat it tonight. This pleases me.

Tonight's Raw comes to us from Sacramento, California. Standard Raw Intro, and still no picture of the Divine Wind which shall save us from the abuses of a Bischoff Gone Mad. In fact. rather than showing us a picture, Bischoff himself will stand before a black background to soak up your hate in person. He tells California that if they liked Raw Roulette last week (and you know, considering Californians in general, that's actually possible) they'll loooove the handicap match with RVD and HBK against Batista, Randy Orton and Kane...

So, who jerks the curtain this week? Goldberg? For a promo-spot? He explains that everytime he comes out to the ring, he's getting jumped by somebody - usually Kane or HHH. He's decided to hell with Armageddon (Me too) and if either of those two punks wants him, they can come out and GET it. Bischoff comes out and says making the matches is his job - and it's his show. And if he does it again, he'll make sure to fire him. Further, it's not Raw anymore - it's the Eric Bischoff Show! And nobody can do a damn thing about it! Ross says 'drunk with power' no less than twice, and then Mick Foley comes out... In a suit.

No shit. Really.

The crowd chants Foley's name, and Mick has a clipboard. He explains that Eric is wrong, as there's indeed something HE can do about it. He then introduces himself to Bill, and then turns his attention to Eric. Seems that Linda has examined - along with the board of directors - Vince's booking and general state of mind, and figured out that he might not be all there...

No shit. Really?

Mick says that he's been signed as a Consultant with all the powers necessary to retain the quality of the show, which puts him over Eric, amusingly enough. He adds Goldberg to Eric's Main Event Handicap Match so the odds are even. Bill is happy now, and he scrams. Mick then says that he's decided that Raw needs Stone Cold, and passes a petition around that allows them to rehire him in some capacity, since he's not a GM anymore. Further, he has determined that there's one main thing wrong with Raw - and it's Eric. Suprised? Me neither. To rectify the situation of Bischoff Mad With Power, Foley has decided to appoint a new Co-General Manager: Mick Foley. Surprised yet? Me neither. He then tells Eric to have a nice day, and leaves the ring. Bischoff looks ready to throw up.

Me too...


Eric bitches in the back to Coach, and explains that he should be able to sweet-talk Linda to fix things. He calls her, since his number is on his speed-dial (next to Schiavonne, maybe?) but she hangs up on him. Okay, that was funny (like a rubber crutch), can we have some wrestling now?

Dudley Boyz versus Jindrak and Cade? Okay, next time I'll try to remember to ask for some GOOD wrestling... Bubba starts off with Cade, and easily shows his superior fatman strength and bulls the guy into the corner. Bubba then tells the kid he needs to show respect, and the kid raises his hands. Bubba punches him in the belly. Tag to Drak. Tag to Dvon. Dvon with a suplex, which gets two. Jindrak comes off the ropes and gets powerslammed. Dvon throws Jindrak to the ropes and gets a flying clothesline from the kid. All hell breaks loose, and Cade tries to rollup Dvon with the tights pull. Dvon gets loose and rolls up Cade - grabbing the tights himself. Dudleys win. Sigh. It seems they're turning the kids heel, and they bitch and moan that they were cheated and want a rematch and blah-blah-blah.

Cut to Snow and Coach watching the monitor, and Snow scores by saying 'Kindrak and Jade should get a rematch'. Foley walks up, and has decided that nothing was worse than Snow and Coach as announcers (this from a guy that carried a tray of poo around for Rocky?) and has decided to relive the fun of their whole fight for the Announce thing against Ross and Lawler, only this time Coach has to fight Lawler for to keep his job.


Booker T in the ring at this time, and his opponent will be... Test. Stacy's wearing a beige Catholic Schoolgirl thing with a halter top thing, which looks really stupid on her. Booker T starts off rushing Test with a flurry of punches, but Test battles back with a few punches - and then goes to a bearhug. Stacy pounds the mat, for Booker apparently. Booker gets loose and comes off the ropes real quick, but Test hits a shoulderblock to back him up. Booker responds with a Running Forearm that levels the Canadian Nash. Test tries for the Pumphandle, but Booker slips loose and tries for the Scissor Kick, but Test ducks it. Test gets the Pumphandle in this time, and tries to use the ropes for added leverage, but Stacy shoves his feet off to break up the count. Test asks her what she's doing, and she slaps him stupider. Booker capitalizes, and nails the Scissors Kick for the win. He celebrates with a Spinneroonie, and then has Stacy do two 'Legs-a-Roonies'. Mark Henry comes out and destroys Booker T with two of those lame Avalanche Front Slams.

Cut to Trish and Lita discussing what the deal is with their current beaus. Trish made Jericho a Canadian Maple Jersey with his name on it along with the number '1' and she'll wear it tonight with a purple bra underneath it. She then hints that tonight may be 'the night', and looks all aglow. Mrs. Irvine could not be reached for comment, but we're pretty sure it's colorful. And loud.


Ross and Lawler explain the Foley thing and tell folks they can go to and sign the petition themselves to get SCSA back. Don't fucking do it, people. Right, like your vote would fucking matter anyway...

They then show the thing where Batista destroyed Michaels, and that'll segue to Terri interviewing Dave and Randy now. She asks what he feels about the amended Main Event, and he's a bit disappointed (why should he be different?) with it. He says that he wanted to separate Michaels head from his shoulders, and if he doesn't do it tonight - he'll sure as hell destroy him at Armageddon. Riiiight.

Next up, Poppa Pump and Test are gonna discipline Stacy and make her kiss both their asses in Trademark Vinnie-Mack Humiliating Fashion. They semi-drop trou, and Foley trots out. He orders Stacy to come consult with him. He then thanks Test and Steiner for showing what asses they are, and Test loses it. Mick says that he's sick of how they've been treating Stacy, and he's gonna put a stop to it. Test says that Foley can't do that, because her being his property is in his contract. Foley says that's true, and then says the contract is no longer valid - because Test is fired. Steiner - ever quick to show how dumb HE is - says that Foley can't break up their tag team, because they're gonna win the titles. So Foley decides to keep the team intact - and fires Steiner too... Stacy is elated, and plants a couple big wet ones on Foley.


Cut to Bischoff getting his ear bent by Steiner and Test, who demand he fix things... He says that while Linda won't take his calls, he can call Vince. That seems to placate them, and they roll. The cameraman asks if Eric is REALLY gonna call Vince, and he replies: "Hell, no. I'm gonna fix this myself."

Next up, Lance Storm and Val Venis will face La Resistance... Foley joins the announce table and draws a comparison to how the fans used to boo Rock, but deep down wanted to love them. Yes, for La Resistance. He then says that they could be great babyfaces... Conway starts off thrashing Venis pillar to post and is about to finish him off when he eats a modified Full Nelson Slam. Tag to Lance, who whips Conway's ass. Tag to Dupree, who fares no better - winding up in the Maple Leaf. Conway with the save, but shit hits the fan and La Resistance loses the match. Foley explains how America is a forgiving country, and he's sure the crowd would get behind them... So he tries to lead them in a Pledge of Allegiance. They don't really play along, and so Foley fires them.

Yes, we're now fresh out of heel teams on Raw...


Cut to Trish and Jericho in the back, and Jericho asks if she's 'ready for this', and she says she is. Then they walk off somewhere to see for sure, I suppose...

Commercials. Cena gets another rap track in for the Y2Stinger drink, and he's actually better than last time... Why they don't let him rap that fast on Smackdown is anyone's guess, but he was pretty good.

Trish comes out for a Mixed Tag Match (Yeah, like that's what you thought, too) apparently with Jericho. Yep. Shit, their suits even match... Purple and Black motif, and they'll face... Rico and Miss Jackie - who are working a pink and 'my ass is hanging out the holes in these pants' deal. Sigh. Rico shoves Trish down, and Jericho goes apeshit with chops and brawlies. Rico gets some space with a thumb to the eye, and then hits the Armbar-Kick thing. Tosses Jericho to the corner, but Jericho floats over and Rico misses on the followup. Jericho hits a springboard dropkick to send Rico to the floor, and Rico comes back in to get some more kickage in the ass. Rico tags Jackie, and she tries to boot Y2J, but he catches her foot and shoves her over. Trish gets in, and she massacres Jackie. Trish tries for a suplex, but Jackie blocks - and the referee gets distracted long enough for Rico to run in and get a Doubleteam Suplex to put Trish in trouble. Jackie picks her apart with sneaky assistance from Rico, and Jackie clamps on a modified Dragon Sleeper. Trish gets out, and tries to mount a comeback, but gets lariated inside out. Jackie is thrashing Trish, but Trish hits a VERY stiff Spinebuster and makes the tag. Jericho goes bananas on Rico, and hits an enzuigiri. Rico responds with a NICE Stepping Sidekick in the corner, and Rico spills outside. Jackie climbs the top for some reason, so Jericho crotches her and then bails outside to continue whipping on Rico. Trish hits the Handstand Spot in the confusion, and then hits Stratusfaction for the win. Trish and Jericho leave the ring victorious, and arm-in-arm.

Cut to Bischoff explaining how Foley's fucking up his show and firing everyone in sight... Seems he's bitching to Kane, who seems nonplussed about it - since it doesn't affect him. But it does, Eric explains. Kane and Foley's history has never been so great, and now Foley is in a position to fuck up Kane's title shot. Kane looks about as bored as I do, but Ross and Lawler act like the guy's about to go murder some children now... Sigh.


Matt Hardy is in the ring, and the Matt Fact is 'Matt Hardy is more handsome than Christian.' Who isn't? Kane? And to make this feud more interesting, Christian comes out WITH Lita. It doesn't work, but that's me... They start off brawling, and Christian gets the upper hand quickly, knocking Hardy to the floor and bouncing him off the barrier before throwing him back in. Hardy staggers to the ropes and Christian gives him a Hangman's Neckbreaker using the top rope. Matt turns the tide by flinging Christian into the ringpost chestfirst, and then slams him and starts working over the body with some kicks and topping it off with the old Abdominal Stretch... Christian gets loose and bulls HArdy to the corner for a couple shoulderblocks, and tries to take him over - but gets shoved off and fed a legdrop from the second buckle and then put in a Surfboard. Lita pounds the apron and Christian gets loose and tries to mount a comeback, but gets that fancy Sidewalk Slam/Bulldog thing. Hardy tries for the Twist of Fate, but Christian shoves him off and they brawl a bit... Eventually, Christian hits the Unprettier for a twocount, and is about to finish Hardy off when Molly comes out and pitches Lita into the steps. Christian looks stunned and Hardy rolls him up in the confusion for the win. Christian checks on Lita, who is dazed but saying she thinks she'll be fine...

Better luck next time, Molly. As a hint, you'll do much more damage to the neck with something sharp... Just trying to help...

Commercials. God, this Final Fantasy X-2 looks banal, superficial and ridiculous; but because you people are drooling sheep it's gonna sell like hotcakes... Shame on you.

Lawler's making his way to the ring now for his match with Coach. Coach comes out next like the match is already won - wearing a WMXX t-shirt, no less. Lawler starts off punching on the black guy, and then dumps Coach in a backdrop suplex. Elbow drop to the face follows, and then King with the Fist Drop from the second buckle to cap things off for the three-count. Lawler then rubs Coach's face in it by leading the crowd in a 'Nanana, Nanana, Hey-Hey-Hey, Goodbye'. Ross even gets into the act, but shouldn't. I cannot describe Ross fucking up these simple lyrics adequately with only the English language to work with... If anyone's brave enough to put this in a .WAV for inflicting on the rest of the fans, remember it was my idea... Heh.


OOps... Seems that Jericho and Christian had a bet going on which of them would tag on their respective 'honeys' first. They compare their targets, and Christian explains he has the upper hand because Trish is locked at the knees (probably from being on them) while Lita 'is extreme'... The bet on which of them would score first is over a Canadian Dollar for bonus insult-to-injury. They're still heels! *Whew* However, Trish overhears them going on about it, and she bursts into tears clutching her homemade jersey. Awwwww.

Don't cry, hon... You're still a better actress than Lita. Then again, so's a bag of potatoes... Maybe that's redundant?


It's 10:42, and here comes Batista and Randy Orton - without Flair and HHH. Oh, wait, here comes Flair - in a suit. And here comes Kane...

Next up, RVD. Then HBK. Then Goldberg. Ross tells us to 'believe the hype... believe every word of it...'. Yeah, that'll work, Saucy. Sure. The heels bail, and the faces take the ring for some pops. RVD to start, I think... Against Orton. Collar and Elbow tieup to a full armdrag and twist by RVD. Orton reverses and RVD kicks free of his armbar. RVD with a waistlock, but Orton elbows free. Orton pushes RVD to the corner for a nice European Uppercut. Tries to capitalize to throw RVD into the opposite corner, but RVD hits a crossbody and then tosses him over with two armdrags anbd then a standing moonsault. Nice. Tag to Batista after forcing RVD to the corner, and he mauls RVD a little. RVD tries for the tag, but Dave grabs his leg to stop him. RVD with a leaping reverse back-kick knocks Dave over long enough for him to get the hot tag to HBK. Flair tries to interfere in the ensuing brawlfest, but HBK waffles him back to the floor - and the tender mercies of Goldberg. In the confusion, Kane runs in and chokeslams HBK, so both Michaels and Batista are flat on their backs... Wonder what comes next...? I'll tell you:


God, I thought they stopped doing this shit. My bad. Michaels has been in the ring the whole time (no pun intended), and is now being battered by Kane. Kane tries another chokeslam, but HBK elbows free. Michaels goes off the ropes for some momentum, but eats a Big Boot from Kane. Kane pushes HBK to the heel corner for some 3-on-1, and then Dave is tagged in. Batista locks on a chinlock, but HBK elbows free. Batista with a Hangman's Choke, but HBK hits him with a thumb to the eye and then a lowblow. Both men are now down, Dave crawling to Orton and Michaels crawling to Goldberg. Orton tagged in and he charges - as Bill is tagged in. Bill destroys Orton with a few clotheslines and an Overhead Press Slam. Kane tags himself in, and they go to the center of the ring for a wild brawl. Bill gets the better of Kane, and then smashes him around a little before hitting the Spear. Bill to go to the Jackhammer, but Orton and Batista with the save. All hell breaks loose, with Orton and RVD ending up in the ring battling while the big guys are on the floor. RVD hits Rolling Thunder after escaping the RKO, and then nails it shut with the Five-Star Splash. Foley makes the count himself, since Flair destroyed the referee...

Bischoff comes out to protest, since all the people Foley fired are obviously going to be snagged by Heyman. Foley says he's not really going to sign the releases, as he was simply showing Bischoff what a jackass he's been so far. Eric seems unconvinced, and so Foley says he'll show Sacramento what they've been waiting for since he showed... Eric (dumbass that he is) asks what that is, so Foley decks him. Then he pulls out Mr.Socko and clamps on the Mandible Claw to close the show...

You know, that was actually entertaining. I now vote that we keep Foley. He's shown he's still capable of saving an otherwise ordinary show, and the rest of the cast (except for Lita and Steiner) are actually improving by the week at the whole 'soap-opera' thing. The matches weren't all that great, but that's because we've seen them a million times already, I think. While I'd prefer they toned down the soap-opera and intensified the wrestling, they're showing that the opposite direction can also be viable. Consider me impressed. It wasn't a great show, no.

But it was a good one.

So check for some other signs of the Apocalypse, won't you? For myself, all there's left to say is:

You're welcome. See you SOON.