False Finishes
Written 11-29-04

Hello, my intended...

Here we are at Week Six of Bobo's Raw Recap to the Void. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an inflexible prick about keeping my word. Now, for instance.

Not that I'm bitter or anything. No, clearly not.

The thing that bothers me the most about it all is that the show's been pretty fucking good, all things considered; but if you go by the consensus of most Recappers out there you'd never know that. I mean, far be it from the likes of me to tell anyone how to write their cols, but I feel that if you're convinced that there's absolutely NOTHING good about the show you're watching - why the FUCK are you watching it? To do an article?

Fucking sad. It really is.

In all honesty, there's still - and mind, this is all my opinion - good bits on the show. Snitsky's an old school Killer Heel that's so over-the-top Batshit Crazy it makes Kane look like a Boy Scout (and Batista like a Girl Scout). That is good. That is VERY good.

Shelton Benjamin and Randy Orton are taking their respective Face Turns to the next level and then some. I can hardly believe that SB was once one of Kurt Angle's henchmen to see him now. It would do my heart good to see a 'Counter-Evolutionary Force' get put together officially to help put the whole Good/Evil thing back on track.

Before you get started, no, I'm not one of those Moronic Nostalgists that want to return to the booking style of the 80s. I'd be happy if they just fucking decided what sort of style they were going to run with and stick to it. Y'know, for continuity's sake.

Bobo's a mark for continuity. And when you arbitrarily toss it aside and act like we should just go with it? Bobo gets a bit pissy. That's why he doesn't buy Spiderman comics anymore.

For instance, having the guy that's allegedly the Best Wrestler Alive ducking and dodging challengers DOESN'T put over that the kids are threats to that claim. It only conveys that the Best Wrestler Alive is a PUSSY - and what does that make those that are, ahem, NOT the B.W.A.?

ASPIRING PUSSIES. Yeah, that'll get everyone over. Sure.

But as I've said a few times already, I don't mind a Cowardly Heel Champ. I don't mind a Group Assisted Heel Champ. I don't even mind a Cheating Fuckstick Heel Champ. What I -do- mind is that when they finally get this crawling, simpering, cringing fuck in the ring...? He smashes most of the challengers like they never had a chance to begin with. So what I'm expected to believe is that this guy is a coward that barely wins with all the help he can get... Until the PPV. Then he's an Unstoppable Force of Nature?


Not that I mind Monster Heel Champs, either. I just want the guy to decide what sort of Heel Category he's gonna be in, and maybe stick with it a couple months. For chrissakes, he's been on or near the top of the card for more than five years, and he's still trying to nail down his 'character'? NOBODY could be THAT slow a learner - especially if they want me to believe they're a goddamn Cerebral Assassin.

See what I mean about continuity? This is the guy they devoted most of the shows to - and he's never running the same gimmick two weeks in a row. Yet they have the AUDACITY to wonder why viewership is slipping? You ever see the old Tom Hanks movie 'The Money Pit'? Three disasters in, I was going "Cut your fucking losses, already, you dumb shits. It's only going to get worse if you're stubborn." Maybe that's my construction background talking, but if things are not working out - and only getting worse the more you put into it - then you Cut Your Fucking Losses and Go Back To The Drawing Board.

Why? Because stubbornly throwing Good Money after Bad is not just a STUPID BUSINESS STRATEGY - it's fucking SUICIDE. You hear me, Vince? You've been pushing the guy for YEARS, and he's NOT catching on. He CAN'T because the fans are never sure what HHH they're gonna get from one show to the next. So stop it, already. Dumbass!

McMahon is probably secretly lobbying to have Football Season extended so that he can blame it for the Decline a few more weeks a year... I'm pretty sure that was the real intent behind the XFL. Run a few seasons, then get the 'top teams' absorbed into the Real League (Hell, it worked for the AFL, right?) and maybe make some of your money back.

Too bad NBC bitched up because the initial ratings were abysmal, isn't it, Vince? I'm sure you're convinced if they let it bleed money a few years it'd turn around all by itself, hmm? Why wouldn't you be? That used to be working for you, too.

...Attaboy, Fiendish. Never let go.

Oh well, Tonight's Raw is going to be a Roster-Wide Battle Royal for the Big Belt, as decreed by Orton last week. I guess this ruins Jericho's shot at just putting this puppy to bed and stripping ol' Beaker of it. Of course it does. Why would they do something that made any sense NOW?

Randy Orton's Picture is shown. And cheered.

Standard Raw Intro.

Tonight's Raw comes at us from Baltimore, Maryland, and the locker-room is already in the ring waiting for tonight's Battle Royal. A few people aren't there yet, so we'll have them make an intro to eat some time...

Batista. Actually gets a mild reaction.

Jericho. Much larger reaction. First pop of the night, as shown so far anyway...

No Chance Music...? Vince comes out in a suit, and he says he knows we're all expecting HHH - but quite frankly it's just not gonna happen.

Crowd boos.

So does Bobo.

Why does Vince do this to us? Because ANYONE can win a Battle Royal, which would mean ANYONE could be the next World Champ - and what happens then? Hell, it could be a disaster if Steven Richards was our World Champion. Stevie looks pouty at being singled out. Anyhoo, HHH will face the winner of the Battle Royal, so ring the damn bell.

Bell rings. Hell breaks loose. No way in hell I can type this up as it happens...

Viscera tosses Hurricane out, but Helms did not touch the floor and is back in.

They gang up on Viscera, and Hurricane manages to drag the fatman over the top from his vantage on the apron.

Tajiri eliminates Rhyno via Boot to the Head.

Tomco eliminated by Shelton Benjamin via Belly to Belly Overhead Release Suplex.

Benoit and Flair are trading Choppy-Woos in the Nearside corner...

Conway is eliminated by Maven, via a Low Dropkick while Rob stood on the apron. Eugene cheers for Maven, who just walks past him.

So Eugene throws Maven out. Eugene celebrates again.

Commercials. Viewtiful Joe 2 for the PS2 and Gamecube. It's a nice anime, too, if you can find it.

We're back, and looks like nobody's out...

But the Coach was eliminated by Benoit, via Chop Attempt. Coach bailed rather than take a Choppy-Woo.

Snitsky eliminates Regal via normal shoving.

Snitsky eliminates Rosey.

Someone eliminates Hurricane. Didn't see who.

Snitsky and Dave square up and start brawling.

Batista eliminates Eugene via Clothesline.

Batista eliminates Val Venis, Tajiri, Flair, and I think Christian. All via clotheslines. Flair is beside himself at the Every Man For Himself not going his way... He's very believable, even going so far as to grasp at a couple ringside fans.

Commercials. A new Metal Gear game. Let's hope this one is Whiny Fag Free. (No, I didn't much like Raiden. Can you tell?)

Benoit has Snitsky on the apron and they brawl. Benoit staggers back. Jericho hits the Missile Dropkick, eliminating Snitsky.

Steven Richards is still in there. He's surrounded. He's beaten up, and then thrown out by Jericho and Benjamin.

Edge and Benjamin are brawling as Batista beats up Benoit. Jericho assists Benoit.

Benjamin trying to eliminate Edge, but Edge fights loose. Edge with a Back Body Drop puts Shelton on the Apron, so he Spears Benji off. SB is eliminated.

Jericho is Choppy-Wooing Dave as Edge tries to headbutt Benoit up the buckles. Dave sags into the ropes, so Y2J hits the Bossman Rush. Dave up, and Jericho hits a Flying Forearm. Dave doesn't budge. Jericho with a Crossbody attempt. Dave throws him outside. Jericho eliminated.

Dave picks up Benoit for the Sitout Powerbomb. Edge tries to dropkick them both out, but Benoit hangs on and only Dave is eliminated. Benoit fighting like hell to keep alive on the apron. Benoit has Edge dragged outside on the apron as well and he tries to German Suplex them both out. He succeeds.

One ref declares Edge the winner. Another declares Benoit. The referees argue.

Commercials. Final Fantasy 1 & 2: Dawn of Souls (aka: Re-Remix) for the GBA. I guess it's easier than making new games, huh, Squaresoft?

It's either a restart or a Three-Way Dance for the Strap... The refs discuss it with Orton, and basically it's all up to him. Vince says RKO has a Tough Decision. Randy asks what Vince's opinion is. Vince says his opinion doesn't matter, since Orton's in charge. Edge runs in and demands Vince see it his way. Vince explains that it's Orton's call. Edge says he's already been screwed at Taboo Tuesday, so PLEASE don't do this again.

Randy says he'll think about it. Edge flips out.

Maven and Benjamin in the back. Maven's all angsty about losing a chance at the belt twice. Eugene asks for help putting his Tag Belt on. Maven flips out and comes at Eugene, but Shelton holds him back. Regal steps in and explains that it was a Battle Royal, and thus every man for himself - so he should just deal with it - unless he's still got a problem, Sunshine?

Maven doesn't. He sits down promptly.

Orton walks around in the back, and Candance (remember her?) is wondering if - in her capacity as Raw's Make-up Artist - she's showing too much cleavage? Randy offers to give it a good looking over, but then Benoit pops up.

Benoit gets his turn angsting about the call and wonders What Are We Gonna DO? Orton will go to the ring and put and end to this Controversy.

Yep, Three-Way Dance... Has to be.

Commercials. Start your Christmas Shopping at WWeShop.com and WWeAuction.com... If you're gay.

Our WWe.com poll tonight is whether we think Benoit or Edge won. Like it'd matter.

Orton comes out in his GM suit. Before he makes his announcement regarding the Battle Royal, he'll let us know that tonight's World Title match won't be our only title match, as La Resistance has activated their rematch clause. Further, one of our announcers will get some in-ring action. JR sighs.

But it's Lawler. Since it's his birthday, and they don't have any underage girls handy, he'll put Lawler against Flair. (Okay, I made up the underage girls part, but the other stands.)

And it'll be a Triple Threat for the Big Belt.

Next up, Lita and Vic come out to the ring to Lita's Music. I guess it sucks a little less than Vic's music, but it still sucks.

While Lawler's preparing for a match with Flair, Coach comes out to help JR.

Trish and Molly are the other team, of course. Trish is still wearing the facemask. Molly starts with a cheapshot on Vic, and she's follows that with a stomp and a Snap Suplex. Gets two. Molly puts Vic in the Heel corner and holds her in a Front Chancery long enough for Trish to get in a Dropkick. Gets two. Trish makes a couple Hairpull Takedowns, then tags Molly back in.

Molly with a Swinging Neckbreaker, then tries a pin. Gets two. Molly knocks Lita off the apron, and Hebner watches Lita as Trish gets in a Chick Kick - thus missing Vic Schoolboy Molly for about five.

Molly and Vic grapple, and Vic is put in a Reverse Head Wrench for a bit, then Molly hits a running Swing Neckbreaker. She then puts Vic in the Heel corner for some mudhole stomping and Double Teaming. Lita comes in, and is ejected to prolong the beatdown.

Molly hits a Seated Dropkick on the Seated Victoria, then puts her back in the heel corner and stomps her down. Trish drags Vic back up for Molly's Muta Rush, but Vic elbows free and Molly hits the corner alone.

Vic crawls to her corner, but Molly tags Trish in. Trish with some brawlies, but Lita gets tagged in anyway. Lita hits Molly coming in, and then slams Trish down. Molly comes in again, so she gets the Headscissor. Trish struggles to her feet, but Lita clamps her in the Bodyscissors Choke. Molly makes the save.

Trish goes for an Irish Whip and tries a Back Body Drop. Lita kicks her in the face and then PLANTS her with a DDT. Lita wins it.

Up next, Legend versus Legend. Um, they're one Legend short, aren't they?

Commercials. If you buy a Gamecube for $99, they'll throw in Mario Kart Double Dash. Please buy one. Please. We're getting killed in the console wars. Please.

We have another Mohammed Hassan segment. Goody.

Flair comes out first. He doesn't look remotely happy, so I'm thinking he's gotta job for the Birthday Boy. I can almost see the red-dot from the gun they HAVE to have trained on him.

Next out, the Imperial Margarine Man...

King and Ric lock up, Flair shoves King into the Face corner and goes Woo. They lock back up, and King shoves Flair over. Flair with a headlock on King, then throws King to the rope for a punch. Lawler hangs on, and then struts as Flair stands there. Flair not happy. They brawl back and forth some, and Lawler gets the upper hand. Flair Flop.

Lawler hits the Back Body Drop. Flair begs off in the Heel corner, and Lawler goes to the belly. The ref separates them, and Flair hits a cheapshot. King staggers to one knee, and Flair stomps on his calf. Flair with a series of Choppy-Woo, then Snapmares Lawler over and hits the Kneedrop. Gets two.

Flair with an Irish Whip, and punches Lawler in the face. King no-sells, and hits a series of punches of his own. Flair goes down. King with an Elbow Drop. Gets two. King with another Back Body Drop, then a Scoop Slam. Flair down in the center of the ring, and Lawler goes to the second buckle for a Fist Drop. Lawler gives him another, but lands awkward. King favors his knee as Flair gets up and stomps on Lawler's leg. Flair goes for the Figure Four, but Lawler reverses to the Inside Cradle. Gets two. Flair stomps on Lawler again, and then clamps on the Figure Four.

Lawler tries to turn him, but the referee is out of position so Nature Boy uses the ropes to hang on and get extra leverage. Lawler taps.

Orton's not happy about Lawler jobbing, and some other broad is there asking if she can do stuff. Orton hires her. Then some other broad comes in and Orton hires her, too... Did ANY of these Diva Hopefuls go home after they were Voted Off? Doesn't look like it.

Commercials. Spike TV's Videogame Awards 2004 will be hosted by Snoop Dogg. It will also be complete bullshit, same as last year.

Shelton Benjamin gives us another glimpse into his personal life, with classmates and former coaches offering insight. Also some clips of his High School and Collegiate Wrestling.

Next, Orton has three broads in the ring with him and tells us he's planned out a hot show - and to show that he has some hot women in there. They're all perfect tens, he says, but there's something missing. Which would be MORE hot women. So he calls out some more hot women. Zombie Christie Hemme called out first. I guess Stacy is next, huh? Yep, since this is Baltimore, which is her home town. She gets a good pop, and we are shown Stacy's mom in the crowd.

...Damn, what a hag. Moola level. Future doesn't look too promising, Stacy. Sorry.

Orton will now explain why these broads are out. Since it's the holiday season - it's the time for giving. And he'll be giving us a Lingerie Fashion Show. But they've got little time to prepare for it, and Spike has denied them anymore extra time, so they'll have to change/undress in the ring. Will they?

They say yes.

Melina, he says, is first. It's her first time in the WWe ring, so she's a little nervous. Orton calls for the fans to encourage her. They do. She strips down to a Blue Camisole top and a garter bottom over full stockings. She dances for us. Poorly.

Candace next. She's got pearly pink panties, with a pearly pink front zippered bustier for easy access. She dances as well, which I guess is required of all their Makeup Artists.

Next up, another random broad, who's in a pastel pink bikini set. She also dances.

Orton wonders why Zombie won the Diva Search (you too?) and she struts over and lets Orton shuck her red dress off to the red and black garter and bra combo beneath.

Another huge pop for Stacy, and Orton says, "Let's see how the Baltimore Girls do it," for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. (The answer, of course, is 'For Money'.)

Stacy struts over and lets Orton unzip her micromini skirt, and then she puts it around his head. Then she shucks her top to reveal the studded black bra.

Orton says it's the best fashion show he's ever seen and calls for a group hug. Gets it. It's 10:25 already, so we'll have to be quick with giving the Tag Straps back to La Resistance... Because popular teams can't POSSIBLY draw money, that's why.

Commercials. Fight Club the videogame. It sucks more cock than the San Francisco 49ers do this year. Don't buy it. Don't rent it. Avoid it. You've been warned.

Oh, they give us Triple H as a Vampire shilling the new Blade Movie. He'll be playing 'the Terminator of Vampires', as he puts it, named Jericho. Shit doesn't get funnier than that, does it?

La Resistance is already in the ring waving their flags to save time. Regal and Eugene to the ring shortly thereafter.

Eugene and Conway start. Gene with a headlock. Rob Irish Whips free. Eugene apes Hulk's 'I cannot hear you' to wake the crowd up, then puts Conway in an armwring and tags in Regal. Regal tries some offense, but Conway tags in Grenier anyway. Sylvan with an armbar for a few seconds, then tags Rob back in. Rob with a punch, then a pin. Gets two.

Rob picks Regal up in a Front Chancery and lays in a couple knees to the head. Rob punches Eugene off the apron. Eugene scowlies and gets back on the apron as Regal Suplexes Conway over and makes the tag.

Eugene with a Thesz Press followed by punches, then an Airplane Spin. Conway a bit dizzy, so Eugene hits a Flying Axehandle. Goes for the pin. Sylvan breaks it up. They go for Au Revoir, but Regal breaks it up from the floor and drags Sylvan out for a beating. Eugene hits a Stunner and picks up the win.

They celebrate with some kids, a la JYD, but Maven drags Eugene outside, ricochets him off the Steel Steps and then leaves.

What did I tell you last week about not turning Maven? Why you no listen? WHYWHYWHYWHY?

Commercials. Dodgeball the Movie on DVD this December 7th. Rip Torn stole that entire fucking movie. Seriously, it's worth it just to see him hurt the other geeks from a wheelchair.

We're back. Coach is chatting with the fans on WWe.com, and we get a display of the GM contest points.

Trish in the back, and Jericho talks some shit to her. He reminds her that next week will be Jericho's turn as GM, and to celebrate he's gonna throw the BIGGEST party, EVAH. Also, Trish will defend the strap against Lita.

Oh, and the lingerie we just saw the broads in? It's being autographed for sale on the WWeAuction.com. Yes, appeal to the scumhooks.

Flair is taking Dave to task for eliminating him in the Battle Royal. Dave says it was an accident.

HHH shows up and kvetches about being in a Triple Threat. Flair says he's got HHH's back. HHH looks expectantly at Batista. Dave wakes up and says, "Yeah, I got your back too." HHH stalks off. Dave stares as he goes. You had your chance, Dave. And you BLEW IT. Who NEEDS ya?

Commercials. Okay, I give up. I give up. I'll buy the fucking Rise and Fall of ECW already. Probably Monday Night Wars while I'm at it for the full 'Revisionist History Spectrum'. And the family will probably kill me because Christmas is coming and I'm hell enough to shop for without my always doing that kind of shit.

Edge makes his way to the ring (10:48). Benoit out next (10:49). Then HHH (10:50). I guess they gave Lawler the rest of the night off as a birthday present. To my way of thinking, giving him a fucking five-year contract is gift enough...

The bell finally rings (10:52), and Coach reminds us that Benoit has never lost a Triple Threat Match with HHH. Benoit starts off punching on Edge, with HHH hanging back. Edge continues to soak up beatdown, but gets back in it with a Kitchen Sink Kneelift that sends Benoit to the apron. Edge Baseball Slides Benoit to the floor and beats on him some more before sending him back in the ring. HHH stops Edge coming in with a forearm shot that sends him bouncing off the barrier, and HHH sends Benoit chest first to the Face corner with a Super Irish Whip. Gets two. HHH tries another punch. Benoit ducks and hits a German Suplex. Tries a second but HHH hangs onto the ropes. Edge knocks Benoit down, so Edge and HHH brawl a couple seconds. Benoit up and he knocks Edge down long enough to put HHH in a Snap Suplex, then he Double Lariats Edge and HHH to the floor. Benoit tops it off with a Plancha on them both, sending them all to the floor in a tangle.

Commercials. (10:55)

Spike TV will present a Gamer Gadget Guide. God knows why.

Edge and Benoit in the ring as HHH is laying on the floor. Benoit is bounced face-first on the Face Buckles, but responds with a Suplex and a Sharpshooter attempt that HHH rushes in to break up. HHH gets put in the Crossface. Flair runs out to distract the ref long enough for Batista to clobber Benoit. Orton runs out and ejects Dave and Flair. Flair argues, but Dave leaves quietly.

Edge rolls up HHH for two. HHH responds with a Spinebuster. Gets two. Orton checks Benoit on the floor, then watches Edge and HHH go at it. HHH tries a vertical suplex, but Edge slips it and hits a DDT. Gets two. Edge readies the Spear as HHH staggers to a vertical base. Edge charges into a High Knee from HHH. Levesque tries for the Pedigree, but Edge counters with a Catapult to the Farside corner buckles.

Benoit back in and he Suplexes Edge. He goes for the German Suplex. Edge tries to elbow out, but Benoit ducks and clamps on the Sharpshooter. Edge crawls to the ropes, but Benoit drags him to the center of the ring. Orton rooting for Benoit, so HHH bounces him off the Steel Steps. HHH back in the ring, so Benoit whips him to the corner and then whips Edge into him. HHH on rubber legs, so Benoit clotheslines him outside and then puts Edge in the Triple German.

Slow cut, and then Benoit goes to the corner. HHH meets him halfway and tries for the Pedigree. Benoit counters with a Back Body Drop to send HHH outside. Benoit resumes his climb, so Edge gets back in it. Benoit headbutts him away. Edge falls down, so Benoit prepares for the Pegasus Dive. HHH shoves him off, and into the referee. HHH decides to use the lack of authority to get a chair. Orton stops him from waffling Benoit and then punches him outside.

Edge tries for the Spear again. He gets a Crossface. He tries to roll over to counter, and Benoit's shoulders are down. Edge taps as the referee hits three. One referee gives it to Edge, but Hebner gives it to Benoit. Edge not happy. Sheesh, two non-finishes in a row?

THANK you, Virgil Runnels. Kindly drop dead.

They're all still discussing it in the ring as we fade to black. I guess that means nobody wins.

Especially not the fans. Who knows, they'll probably restart it so HHH can finally win for the Baltimore crowd.

I've never hoped I was wrong as much as I do now...

I use the time to roll back the tape. The referee only counted two on Benoit before Edge tapped. It was DAMN close, though. Much closer than the Undertaker/Angle version they pulled on us last year. I'd say that means they're getting better at fucking the fans over. Which I guess means they're still able to get SOMETHING right.

You're welcome. See you SOON.