Hello, my intended...
It's been a pretty bad week for your old pal, Bobo, folks... Over the last few days I've had one of my hard drives fail on the big beast, which forced me to try to archive about 110 GB of assorted stuff to DVDs - which at capacity take about 45 minutes apiece to make on this rig (do the math yourself). Further, the living room computer ALSO had a hard drive failure, with the added bonus of it being the C: drive, so I had to re-install Windows on the replacememt HD... And, since trouble comes in threes, this past Thursday I plugged my laptop in at the house I was working on so I could get some mail sorted during the lunchbreak, and apparently the wiring was a little less than code requires...
So the laptop caught fire.
Luckily, it only burned down around where the AC adapter hooks in, so I offloaded all my important stuff from it to the main machine next to my desk on the remaining battery power... The drawback of course is that now I can only handle what computer business I have when I'm at home. So, if you haven't seen me online - that's why. I have the computer hooked up to my hi-def television, and while I can resize most text to be legible with IE, many sites - including this one, amusingly enough - don't let me resize the text so I can read it.
IM clients are similarly dodgy about resizing the text. After all, whomever would be STUPID enough to try to use a PC on a 36" screen couldn't POSSIBLY expect to fucking READ anything on it, right? Anyway, handling the Raw recapping is gonna be an inspired bit of juggling on my end, but who else is gonna do it?
Thank God for TV Tuner cards. Really.
Hopefully, Best Buy will get the little fella fixed in the two weeks they say it'll take. I'm not holding my breath, though, since the fucker fried like a hummingbird egg. So it'll probably be a month and a half of duck-and-dodge runaround before they honor the $400 warranty they sold me and cough up a new laptop...
I've gone through this before, can you tell?
As if that wasn't bad enough, I'm already in full Surly Mode due to 'Squanto You ASSHOLE Day' this week. Yep, Squanto. Why is he an asshole, you ask? Easy. Because of him the settlers learned the many uses of maize and how to eke out a living from the harsh land they invaded - oops, I mean 'settled'. Right. If it wasn't for him, the boat-people (which is what we Natives call all you folks, whether you came as an explorer, refugee, opportunist or cargo) would have learned that the land was unfit for them to dump off all their 'wretched refuse' and stayed the fuck home - especially after seeing the emaciated carcasses of the first few 'pilgrims' that were too weak to try to swim back where they came from.
But I digress... We 'Injuns' are pretty much known for making the best of a bad situation - while everyone else does their level best to make it all the worse. I guess that explains my stepping up for this Recap thing pretty neatly, huh?
Tonight's Raw is coming at us from Salt Lake City, Utah... Triple H faces Goldberg for the title, and we get to see the Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal again...
Yeah, wotta guy that Squanto....
Standard Raw Intro thingie, but no Stone Cold picture... This pleases me. I guess they'll roll right into the whole 'Drunk with Power' deal and wrap this mess up by New Years... Ross and Lawler still announcing for some reason, and Ross mentions that the "E" in their E-Center is for Eric Bischoff... Sigh. Bischoff and the wheel are in the ring, flanked by showgirls. Bischoff says Salt Lake City is duil and insults the Mormons for some cheap heat before explaining the whole wheel thing in case anyone doesn't understand 'Booking at Random' in the audience...
Spin One goes off, but HBK interrupts with his intro. Bet you didn't see THAT coming, huh? Riiiiight.
HBK says because Eric interrupted his interview last week, he's gonna return the favor, so 'Hi there, asshole.' HBK also expatiates that he took all Eric's psychobabble and guilt-trip stuff and looked in the mirror like he was told, and after all was said and done he has a clear conscience. Who's surprised? (crickets chirping) Okay. Then Batista comes out, and hangs out at the top of the ramp. HBK tells him to come on, but Dave says he has chunks bigger than him in his bowel movement. (Way to work the stick, kid. Really.) HBK calls him a jacked-up nimrod, and Dave starts down to lay some Legend Level Beatdown on Old Heartbreak after tearing off his shirt.
Eric intervenes, and says that Dave and Shawn is a great idea, but he's already given Utah too much so that'll wait until the PPV. BUT, since they want each other so bad, let's go to the wheel - which had landed on 'Bischoff's Choice' in the confusion. Eric picks a tag-match with Flair and Dave versus HBK and... Jericho.
Ross says 'You've gotta be kidding.' and I agree - which makes me feel EXTRA dirty...
And we're back, and here comes Lita... Yay. Bischoff is on the 'Tron, and says how good it is to see her after all she's been through. He also says he was disappointed about Christian's pick of favors from last week, but has decided it'll probably be fun to keep playing with her. To start, he'll have Molly make the spin for Lita's match with Victoria - and it lands on Steel Cage. First time for two chicks in a cage on Raw, they explain. Yay. Just what I want in a curtain jerk match... Women's Prison References.
Vic comes out and Lita grabs her and tosses her into the steel twice before trying for the Twist, but Vic shakes loose and takes her down. Then tossing her to the cage herself with a Catapult and then dumping her on the mat with a Fireman's Carry to a Sidewalk Slam. Vic tries for the door, but gets taken down with an anklescissors and then Lita tries to climb out. Vic tries to pull her down, but is kicked away. Vic tries again, and flings her down hard. Vic tries for the Peak, but Lita shakes free. They make a few go arounds with one down-one climbs, and Lita nails a yank from the cage Powerbomb and follows up with a Moonsault. Lita tries for the door, and is almost out when Matt Hardy runs up and gives her the ol' Hennig. (Slams her head in the door, to you folks with memories of goldfish) Victoria wins. Hardy comes in to make more damage, but Christian runs out and chases him and Victoria away. Matt backs away laughing.
Cut to Randy and Eric in the back, and Orton has a couple chicks with him that he picked up saying how he's gonna be the next champ and stuff... Eric spun the wheel, and it landed on 'Legend Killer Match' (WTF?) which makes Orton happy and he rolls. Hurricane comes in and asks what about him and Rosie, and Eric spins the wheel... It'll be Rosie VERSUS Hurricane in a Capture the Midget Match (WTF!?). Eric releases the Midget with a five-second head start, and Helms says Midget isn't very PC, so what if they refuse the match? Eric says 'I dunno... Loser Gets Fired?' Hurricane tells Rosie to stay put and leaves the office. Rosie takes a whole ten seconds before he catches on and takes off to get the midget for himself. God, I'm depressed this is National TV...
Randy comes out to see what Legend ol' Bischoff got for him to 'kill'. Gotta admit I'm a little curious, myself, but it'll probably be stupid or gay...
Sergeant Slaughter. Guess that makes it BOTH, huh?
Orton takes a swipe, but Sarge clamps him in the Cobra Clutch real nice. Orton takes to the ropes, and SS makes with a series of kneelifts foilowed by a GutBuster. Gets two. SS tries for a clothesline, but Randy ducks and hits him with a dropkick. Orton follows up with some brawlies, and then clamps on a Sleeper. SS counters with a Standing Switch to the Clutch and Orton dives to the ropes. The ref tries to separate them, and Orton makes with the sneaky kick to the jingles (that the ref doesn't see, natch) to back up Sarge so he can hit the RKO. Orton wins. Orton tries to continue pounding ol' Brother Remus, and RVD comes out for the save, sending the Legend Killer packing with a series of kicks... RVD then raises Sarge's hands and the crowd pops.
Commercials. 'There's two sides to every story... Then, there's the Stone Cold Truth'. This book thing is getting a bigger buildup than the PPV. Sad, ain't it?
Goldberg was on Maury Povich, and you can see it on Sunday Night Heat...
Venis and Lance are talking in the back, and Lance is planning to get the girls, but since they're from Utah they're more conservative than usual. They explain that they've heard that wrestlers were crazy, so they're nervous. Venis and Penis explain that they're totally normal and scoff at such ideas... Then the midget runs past. Rosie tries to grab him, but gets headbutted in the super-jingles. Hurricane makes a go with the butterfly net, but the midget escapes. Hurricane says those little legs will get tired eventually, and he'll be there for it. The girls look stunned, and V+P explain that they have no idea who they were or what happened.
Ric Flair and Coach interview... Blah. Flair is so wasted putting Orton over. Five minute blowjob thing, with Coach on Flair and Flair on Orton... Blah.
Cut to Mattitude and Bischoff, and Matt says he slammed the door on his relationship with Lita, so Eric shouldn't worry that he'd be mad about her not being fired... (He should worry about ME, instead) Then Eric says he'll give Matt a match, and makes the spin... 'Strange Bedfellows' (Must... Not... Laugh...) Basically, that means a tag-match with partners never seen before. Why do I think Mattitude is gonna meet Little Johnny?
They then show Jericho getting Speared and Goldberg getting Pedigreed courtesy of the new PS2 game. The Matt match is gonna team Bubba Ray Dudley and Garrison Cade against Matt and his partner... Christian. (Wow, who didn't see THAT one coming?) Christian shoves Matt into Bubba, who doesn't budge. Matt runs off the ropes for a head of steam and gets slapped down. Bubba bulls him to the corner for a stiff chop and tries to follow up with a Back Body Drop, but gets kicked and then Flying Neckbreakered. Tag to Christian. Christian gets SWS, and then Cade gets tagged in. Some brawling, but Christian is getting the upper hand - even getting in two of those Corner Punch things. Tries for three, but Cade nails him with a kick and then a Shoulderblock off the top. Tag to Bubba. who knocks the crap out of Christian. Christian tries to tag, but Hardy shortarms him. Christian eats a Side Slam, then a Bubba Bomb. Cade steals a tag and then gets the pin, much to Bubba's chagrin. Cade tries to hand Bubba his belt back since the match is over, but Bubba snatches it away and says that Cade better watch it - and his partner, too... Goody. Face vs. Face Feud, or Dudley Turn? Who cares?
Commercials. Including the Dudley Boyz playing Mario Cart Double Dash... Yeah, that'll get those units moving.
Terri is interviewing HBK, and she asks him how he feels about being teamed with his long-time nemesis. HBK says that even with the odds against him, he'll do what he usually does and beat them... Oh, and he tells Terri there's a midget looking up her dress. The midget runs off after getting a real good look at the 'Welcome' tattoo on Terri's pink snapper, hotly pursued by Hurricane and Rosie.
HHH comes to the ring for his title shot, but it's only 10 o'clock... Hmm... Goldberg's coming out now, through the pyro and down the ramp to Grandmother's House he goes. Crowd actually pops more for him than HHH, and Hunter doesn't look too thrilled about it before he bails to the outside. Hunter stalls a bit out there with Flair, and the chants for Goldberg start. HHH lets it go a bit, then gets in the ring for some nose-to-nose jawing. Flair distracts Bill, and HHH makes with the sneak attack, stomping Bill down into the corner. Irish whips him out, but Bill reverses it and then takes him down in a Back Body Drop. Bill with a lariat, and HHH bails to the outside. Bill follows him, and they brawl some more, but Bill with a clothesline knocks a few pieces off the Game. HHH goes back to the ring to nail Bill coming back in after him at '8' on the ten-count. Hunter then tosses him back outside and then into the steel stairs. Bill is rolled back into the ring for some extra-slow brawling from the Game, topped off by a kneedrop. Goldberg staggers to the ropes, and HHH distracts the ref so Flair can choke on the Goldberg. Bill is put in the opposite corner, and they start brawling back and forth. HHH climbs the buckles, but is caught before he can set and tossed over in a Press Slam. Goldberg follows up with a Sidewalk Slam, and readies the Spear - but HHH rolls outside to escape.
Bill follows him out and gets in some shots before trying for another BBD, but eats a Chestcrusher instead. HHH climbs to the top and dives off - but Bill gets a leg up and Hunter eats Sole Food. Bill with his Goldberg Powerslam Whip, and he tries for the Spear again - but Flair grabs his foot. Flair gets thrashed a bit, and Orton comes out and tries to RKO Bill, but gets Speared instead. The referee calls for the bell, and this is a DQ. HHH hits the Pedigree, and then tries to pin - and the referee counts? Actually gets two before Bill kicks up, and here comes Kane. He tries to get in the ring, but HHH knocks him off the apron. Bill gets up while the Game is distracted and feeds Hunter a Spear. Hunter bails and Kane comes in to brawl with Bill a bit, then chokeslams Goldberg to hell.
HHH comes to Eric's office bitching about how if it wasn't for him, Eric wouldn't have a job and generally raving about how he had the match won despite being disqualified. Then he stops, and it's because Kane's right behind him. Real close. Bradshaw close. Kane wants Goldberg, too. They both take turns intimidating Bischoff a bit, and he makes a Triple Threat Match for the Strap. Kane is smiling, and asks how HHH likes them apples. Triple H looks Kane over, and then says it'll be swell. Kane leaves chuckling, and HHH stares daggers at Eric before leaving in a huff.
Cut to the parking lot, and Hurricane is still after Midget Fernando, along with a stage-hand, Terri, and Rosie (who looks about three more steps from cardiac arrest). Yeah, this is great... How about a match now?
Booker T, eh? Okay... Now Bischoff is on the Titantron, and he'll be facing Henry again. Teddy asks why they don't have any sistah showgirls, and Eric says he'll try to fix it in the future. They spin the wheel, and it's a Salt Lake City Streetfight... Henry grabs a few items and leaves. Booker goes to the entranceway and makes all sneaky-like. He ambushes Henry and hits Mark with a stopsign. They go to the ring, and it goes like this: Booker with a few shots with plundah from the Grab Bag Trashcan, Henry shoves Booker over and then bends the item. Repeat. It goes three cycles, and then Booker hits a Scissor Kick followed by a Spinneroonie. Booker then wedges the trashcan in the buckles and tries to whip Henry into the corner, but Henry powers free and launches Booker headfirst into the trashcan. Pin. Threecount.
Commercials. This 'Timeline' movie looks retarded. Why are there so many movies about super highly-trained people being saved by their untrained kids?
Trish is up next, and it's a Bra and Panties match. Jericho says he can use a favor to get her out of it, but she says she'll be okay. She asks him to 'do the right thing' with Michaels tonight, but Jericho isn't sure he can - what with them being at each other's throats all year and such. Trish explains that Eric is just using Chris as a puppet, and he shouldn't be what Eric wants him to be. He should be what SHE wants him to be... He mulls it over, and she says if he does well out there, she'll give him what sounded like 'a tune-up'. Then she kisses him on the cheek, and he walks off...
Then the Midget runs out while Ross and Lawler contemplate the rest of the show, and he jumps in Ross's lap. Garcia names Ross the winner of the Capture the Midget Match, and they play the Okie Fight Song. Hurricane pouts.
RVD comes out for his match, and Eric applauds him for being ready to go without knowing what he's in for. The wheel is saying 'Handicap Match' all convenient like, and Orton comes out and says that he wants another spin to make it 'even more' interesting... Sorry, Randy, that well's dry. Anyway, RVD is now in a Handicap Match with Singapore Canes. Randy smiles and goes to get RVD, and some help, and some canes... Not necessarily in that order. Wonder who he'll pick, don't ya? Well, you can wonder while we watch some...
Test and Big Poppa Pump will do the deed. Steiner tries to get in the ring, but gets kicked off the apron. RVD jumps out onto Test and knocks him over. BPP with a caneshot, but RVD snatches it off him and jumps back in the ring. Test comes in and gets thrashed. RVD tries for Rolling Thunder on the downed Test, but gets hit with a cane. They throw RVD out and work him over with the canes. RVD snatches Steiner's and takes a swing towards Test, who pulls Stacy in the way. RVD check-swings, and Steiner nails him from behind. They throw RVD into the ring and work him over, but he battles back. Almost. Steiner eats a Five-Star, but Test waffles him and gets the win.
Jericho tries to talk to Bischoff about letting Trish out of the B&P, but Eric challenges Y2J: "You're really falling for her, aren't you?" Jericho looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and Eric tells him to do the right thing in the Michaels Match, of course meaning the exact opposite of what Trish did...
It's now time for (presumably) the Bra and Panties Match, and they play Rico's Music... (uh oh) Oh, wait, they'll make Miss Jackie do this one (whew) and Ross mentions that Jack had a revealing moment last week, which at least proves he's not totally blind. Then Trish comes out, and they replay that kiss she had with Y2J last week. Trish tears off Jackie's shirt. Jackie with a drop-toe catches Trish neck first on the bottom rope. Jackie puts her in the Tree of Woe, and then tears her top off. Trish gets loose and gets in the Handstand Spot. Rico tries to interfere, and gets his pants torn off. He kinda likes having his thong on display, and Jackie tries to get a shot in while Trish is distracted. Trish ducks, and Rico gets a front kick that hits low. He falls outside, and Jackie looks all unhappy she hit her boytoy. Trish rolls her up and tears her pants off. Trish wins. Lillian tries to announce Trish as the winner, but Jackie tears HER top off. Garcia belts her and she retreats with Rico. Lillian celebrates by parading her booby-prizes around the ring to the Salt Lake City crowd, which I figure nets her about eleven proposals from three guys.
Trish in the parking lot with Jericho, who asks if they're still on tonight. Trish says yeah, if he does the right thing... Jericho looks uncertain... Jeeze, man. How do you get whipped from two kisses?
Flair and Batista come down the ramp... slowly. It's 10:57, by the way. Jericho's entrance begins at 10:58... HBK's at 10:59... Match starts with Flair and HBK at 11:00. Brawlies. Flair gets Back Body Dropped. Jericho tagged in, and he starts working Flair over with a little brawling and hits a Missile Dropkick. Flair with some chops (Woo!) and Jericho nails him with a Facebuster. Y2J misses a Moonsault and gets chopped. Dave tagged in, and he starts beating up Jericho. Dave with a Backbreaker. Y2J with some chops. Dave with a Spinebuster. Jericho pushed into the heel corner and is worked over a bit. Dave slams Jericho and tags in Flair. Flair goes up top, and Jericho gives him the slam. Tag to Michaels. Flair gets an old school Stungun, and he falls out the ring. He goes back in with a bloody nose. HBK is thumbed in the eye, so he can't see. He punches Jericho. Flair punches HBK. HBK hits the Superkick. Jericho comes in and hits Michaels with a Superkick. Michaels falls on Flair and gets the pin. Jericho leaves the ring, and Batista dishes up a Sitout Powerbomb on Old Heartbreak. Dave then yanks HBK up and crushes all the life out of him, leaving him bleeding from the mouth in the middle of the ring. Dave tells him "I believe in Armageddon" and then stands over him yelling like a caveman... Roll credits.
Interesting. You know, this is a little easier on a full size keyboard... Not any easier to watch, mind you, but you can't have everything, right?
You're welcome. See you SOON.