Prophet? What a Man!
Originally Written 11-22-04
Hello, my intended.
Well, one week down and Maven's had his little run with the brass ring that IS General Managership. It's a lovely little angle, I must admit, but there's one GLARING hole in it. In case you need some help, do recall one of the things Eric's been known to recently do to put errant Champs in line...
"Don't make me strip you of the title," he would say.
Yes, kids, any of the three GM's to come could very easily cut the fucking legs off this whole 'Triple H getting screwed' farcing with one stroke. This would of course totally nullify not only the Orton Never Gets a Shot Against HHH Clause; but it would also have the bonus of NOT shitbagging anyone's credibility as a contender to that title by having them job after all but gang-thrashing HHH during their shot.
But what do I know? I'm just a schmuck on the internet. Nobody in WWe's target audience could POSSIBLY see that GLARING hole in the Rotating GM Angle. Right?
I can't believe people are getting paid MONEY to write this sort of shit. Yo, Vince. Do you EVER get value for your money?
Vince: ....No, clearly not.
Well, don't fire them all just yet, Vinnie. TRP is still down, so there's not going to be anyone seeing ol' Bobo putting his Size Fifteen through that little hole in your Hollywood Plot. Unless I take Norm up on his invite to temporarily move my Recap to Lethal, that is.
As I see it, Benoit and Jericho will have their shots. Job. And then when it's Orton's turn, HHH will happily inform him that RKO can not have a shot while he's Champ. Orton will promptly strip him of the title and maybe call for a tournament and/or Fatal Fourway for the Strap at the next PPV. See, since HHH got the title from Bischoff as the GM, then the GM - whomever it may be - also hath the power to taketh away. Yes, it's that fucking simple. Yes, it's probably going to happen precisely as I say. AND yes, nobody will know what a fucking Genius Prophet I am unless I mail them this recap.
There's a few people that I'm going to do precisely that for, although they already know what a Genius Prophet I am. Ah well, what's a little reinforcement amongst friends, right?
After all, WWe isn't known for taking the fact that they're a bunch of fucking morons too well. Remember the guy they hired to maintain continuity last year? Remember how he found so many holes in their writing that they fired him inside of a week? Remember how Vince said in his post-Montreal statement that the fans wanted to be intellectually challenged?
I think it's more HE wants the fans to be intellectually challenged. The more challenged the better, even.
Ain't PC great? Irony, too.
We'll be coming at you from Buffalo, New York. Ross and Lawler aren't sure whose turn it is as GM, and promise that it'll be a wild time no matter what. Not one match is posted during the ten minutes to go break before the end of CSI. Not a good omen. Not at all.
Standard Raw Intro.
We go to Benjamin in the locker room, and Trish is in a towel brushing her hair. Oh, Lord. They're mimicking the Terrel Owens bit from last week. Shelton calls her the biggest slut on Raw, but before she can drop the towel Vince breaks it up. He calls it unconscionable to have such a display. He tells Shelton that he might not know this, but he's an African American - and African Americans are attracted to Canadian White Women with Broken Noses. Shelton says Vince should lighten up. Vince tells him no, because if things continue like this, the FCC will have their heads. This isn't the NFL. And this isn't the NBA either, so he's gonna snip it in the bud before the wrestlers find themselves fighting the fans or something. Shelton sniffs derisively and then leaves.
Vince waits a second, and then asks if Shelton's gone. Trish says yeah, then drops the towel. They play the NFL music as she jumps into his arms, and Vince turns to the camera and asks us, "Are you ready for some WRESTLING?"
Hot damn, that was great. Fucking great. This is how you're SUPPOSED to exploit current events. Bravo, you three. Bra-freaking-VO.
Next up, Benoit gets his turn as GM. He gets a good pop, and says that that is the kind of energy he's looking for, and he even makes the cheap pop for the hometown. Chris says that he made the paperwork available so that the superstars could pick what matches they wanted, and Benoit tells us what we're in for. Maven versus Snitsky. Trish, Molly and Lita in a Triple Threat for the Womens Title. Coachman versus Good Old JR. He calls our attention to the cage hanging over the ring, and tells us that this time there will be no interference - for his title shot against HHH.
Snitsky then strides out to the ring. He's still got a nice shiner from Survivor Series and that busted orbital bone. Makes him look even crazier, I say. This is good.
Maven trots out next. Gene clobbers him coming in, twice. Third time is the charm, as Maven hotshots him across the top rope. Maven in the ring and hits a Dropkick, followed by a lariat to send Snitsky to the outside. Snitsky rages a bit on the floor, then gets back in. Maven clobbers him, and then Irish Whips. Snitsky reverses and goes for the Back Body Drop - but too early, so Maven kicks him in the skimmer. Snitsky back outside, Maven tries to capitalize, but gets strangled across the apron. Snitsky back in with an Elbow Drop followed by a cover. Gets two.
Snitsky changes tactics and puts Maven in a Half Crab. No tap. Snitsky tries an Elbow again. Maven avoids. Snitsky up pretty fast, so he snatches Maven and whips him into the ringpost under the ropes. Snitsky goes outside and tries a Running Knee on Maven, but Maven dodges. Snitsky knees the Steel Steps. Maven tries to mount a return offense, hitting a couple dropkicks and a Crossbody. Maven pins Snitsky. Gets two. Both men up, but Snitsky hits the Pumphandle Slam. Maven loses. Snitsky rages with blood in his eye. Shit, he looks unhinged. That eye should be looked at pretty soon, too. Red isn't a color an eye should be.
Commercials. Rob Van Dam does a guest spot in a Metroid Commercial. No, I'm not kidding.
Flair and Evolution are confabbing in the back. HHH is not happy about being in the steel cage. Dave says he's got HHH's back. HHH says that Dave didn't have his back last week. Or at Survivor Series. He chews Dave out about fucking up lately, and finally Dave tells him he needs to calm down. Then he turns to go. HHH asks where he thinks he's going, and Dave says he's got a match with Jericho he needs to get ready for - if that's okay with him. HHH says a hundred bucks says he loses that match, too. Dave snarls and then leaves. Flair tries to process this meltdown, but leaves HHH to stew.
Stacy's in the ring with the T-Shirt Cannon, and then pulls an ECW DVD out of her Daisy Dukes that she hints that she will toss to the crowd. Nova breaks it up, saying that ECW means Eating Causes Weight-gain. He then offers a DVD we could actually use, such as the Patented Simon System. He then says that girls like Stacy don't want fat slobs like in attendance - no, they like guys like him.
Stacy says that she doesn't like guys that look in the mirror more than she does. Simon says Stacy was only kidding, right Stacy. He then prepares to threaten her physically. Hurricane comes out and gives Stacy time to escape while he asks Wassupwiddat. Simon beats Hurricane up. Hurricane beats up Simon in reply. Simon with a cheapshot, then he beats up Hurricane with a weight belt. Rosey runs out to make the save. Simon escapes.
Cut to two random broads in the back gossipping about HHH and Dave having a little tiff, and that HHH was THISCLOSE to knocking Batista the FUCK OUT. Dave and Flair pop out of the back, and Dave is still fuming about HHH talking the shit. Flair says that HHH didn't mean it, it's just that this whole Rotating GM thing has him worked up. Dave insists that HHH did too mean it, and if he thinks Dave fucking Batista is gonna be HHH's personal chuckle-head, he's DEAD wrong. You hear? DEAD wrong.
Y2J comes to the ring as Ross enjoins us to call our cable company if they don't already offer us 24/7 WWe On Demand.
Dave comes out next, still fucking fuming. Ross says that he wouldn't want to be Jericho tonight. We also get a rundown of the sponsors, including an anime called (according to King) Yoohoo Hashuko. Um, Jerry? It's Yu Yu Hakusho. I can't believe they gave you another five years.
Dave immediately brawls Jericho to the mat and then steps on his head. The ref pries him off, so Dave whips Jericho to the corner. Dave charges in, but Jericho hits the back elbow. Dave no-sells and Whips Jericho to the opposite side. Jericho reverses, so Dave hit the buckles. Jericho runs in - to a Giant Boot. Dave tries a body slam, but Jericho slips out and dropkicks Dave. Dave stumbles to the buckles. Jericho and he go back and forth, but Jericho sends him out the ring with the Missile Dropkick. Dave back in, and Jericho charges with a Crossbody. Dave shrugs him off, and then goes for the Powerbomb. Jericho reverses and Dave's in a Small Package. Gets two. Dave flips out and puts Jericho in the Tree of Woe and rolls outside. He makes with a strangle on Jericho. He doesn't break the hold, so he gets disqualified.
Dave goes back in the ring after processing the news, and he hits Jericho from behind with that Super Clothesline. Jericho is flat. Dave leaves all huffy.
Commercials. Spiderman 2 on DVD this November 30. Yeah, it was a good movie. I'd like to see how many versions of it they'll sell before I buy one. Can you tell I'm still pissed about having to buy the Lord of the Rings movies more than once, or am I being too subtle?
Dave is marching around in the back, and HHH is slow-clapping. He asks if Dave wants to pay him the hundred now, or get his wallet. Dave says that the point is that HE walked out of the ring, and they're CARRYING Jericho out. HHH says, no, the POINT is that he lost. AGAIN. He also says that Dave has a million dollar body and a ten-cent brain - and he was brought in for a purpose, but it seems he's not able to make the grade - so HHH might be forced to find someone who could. Dave says HHH should do so, and go screw himself while he's at it. Dave storms off.
HHH says that Flair should talk to Dave. Flair says, "With all due respect, you need to back off Batista." Flair leaves HHH to stew. Our WWe.com poll question is - and I'm paraphrasing, "Is HHH trying to turf Batista?" Who cares?
Cut to Edge. Edge bitches about how he deserves a shot some more. He decides to take a poll. First he asks two of the New Divas. They says no. Edge is unhappy. He insults them, albeit weakly. He then asks some other dude, who informs him that for Taboo Tuesday he voted for Michaels. Edge flips out and prepares to smash, but Benoit steps in and asks if Edge has a problem with how he's running the show. Edge huffs and puffs and leaves.
They show footage of the Raw vs. Smackdown game's version of HHH's entrance. Lord, it looks crappy. Coach comes to the ring and JR prepares for his match - again. Coach wishes a heart attack on JR, then invites him to come to the woodshed for his ass whupping.
Benoit pops onto the Titantron, seems that there was a misunderstanding when Coach wrote JR on the contract. Benoit thought Coach meant 'Just Rhyno'. Rhyno charges out. Coach brawls him down into the heel corner. Rhyno replies with a GORE. Coach is pinned. That fucking quick.
Cut to Lita making her way around the backstage area. Yep, her, Trish and Molly will be having that three-way match. Next, even.
Commercials. The PS2 is now slimmer. I guess that Simon System DVD really DOES work. Heh.
Replay of Benoit telling us why there's a steel cage hanging from the ceiling. In case we forgot, I guess.
Lita makes her way to the ring first. Molly second. Trish last. Trish is on the cover of Oxygen Magazine, Ross and Lawler tell us. Oxygen magazine? The fuck is that?
The bell rings. Molly and Trish talk things over. Molly kicks Lita in the belly and then puts her in a front chancery. Trish kicks Lita as well, and then they go for a Team Suplex. Lita escapes and takes them both down with a Double Clothesline. Molly is Whipped to the Heel corner. Trish is popped in the mush and then whipped into Molly. Trish lariats them both, then Suplexes Trish. Molly runs out and clotheslines her. Trish picks her up in the Farside while sitting on the buckles for a suspended Sleeper. Lita falls down, and then Molly and Trish take the boots to her. Molly hits a Swinging Neckbreaker on Lita. Trish tries to schoolboy Molly. Gets two.
Molly tries to figure out what went wrong with their Heel Alliance. Trish says she couldn't see clearly. Molly buys it. Lita knocks them both down, then ricochets Trish face-first off the mat. Molly flings Lita outside and then hits Trish with the Molly-Go-Round. Lita makes the save and then DDT's Molly to the mat like a meteor. Trish breaks the count and sends Lita outside, then pins Molly herself. Trish wins.
Flair is trying to explain things to Dave. He says everyday we eat crap in this business, and it's part of life. Dave says he's tired of eating HHH's shit. Flair says he's been tired for thirty years (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night), but he urges Dave to not make the same mistake Orton did. Dave said he'll think about it, but when he does something he WON'T regret it.
Shelton Benjamin tells us of growing up in the mean streets of Orangeburg, South Carolina... Among other stories, he tells us of taking a gun to school in 8th grade to defend himself from a crackhead that someone paid to 'get' him. A gun he got from his mom, of all things... No, I only WISH that I was kidding.
Oh well, Shelton comes to the ring for a six-man match. Eugene and Regal are on his team. They come out wearing the belts and looking happy as pigs in shit. Replay of Eugene hitting the Special Elbow and winning the straps from last week. They will face...
Christian and La Resistance. Tomco in tow.
Regal to start. Grenier for the Heels. They go back and forth, but Regal snapmares Sylvan over and then hits a kneedrop. Tag to Eugene. Eugene with some offense, but they drag him to the Heel corner for a Triple Team. Christian tags himself in and puts Eugene in a headlock. Eugene elbows free. Christian drags Eugene to the corner and tags in Conway. Conway with a Hangman's Chinlock. Eugene gets loose and hits a few headbutts. Tag to SB. SB cleans house as LR charges in. Then SB mashes Christian and hits Conway with a Splash in the Nearside. Christian comes off the ropes, so SB hits a Flying Pancake on him. SB pins. Gets two before Tomco breaks it up from the floor. All hell breaks loose and it comes to a head with Eugene hitting a Stunner on Conway and then Benjamin T-Bone Suplexes him for the win. Celebration ensues.
Cut to Mohammed Hassan bitching about being profiled at the airport just for being a Arab-Americans. They demand the same rights and respect that all Americans demand, and he will fight anyone they throw at him for this respect. The other guy allegedly says the same thing.
Ross and Lawler tell us that the Cage Match is next, and it's 10:20... Hmm.
Commercials. Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison are being sold together as a DVD set. Um, Adam? It's over. Someone had to tell ya - and it was ME.
Smackdown Rebound. Cena versus an injured Carlito for the US Title. F-U, indeed. Jesus punches Cena in his 'injured kidney' with the lock and chain, though, so I dunno. They wheel Cena out on a gurney. Holding the US Strap.
They begin to lower the cage (10:27), but first they show us the Raw Interactive GM Fantasy booking rankings... Oh, yeah, I remember that. Kinda. Still don't care, though. Certainly not enough to pay ten bucks a month to guess who will have screen time every week.
Benoit comes to the cage (10:28). He's all business, so we go to HHH's intro (10:29). Triple H doesn't come out, though...
Cut to the back, and Flair is screaming about whether Batista lost his mind. We go to HHH laid out in the back as Flair is calling for a doctor, telling us that Batista went crazy. The refs and trainers are trying to figure out what happened as Flair uses the Lord's Name in Vain a few times. They bleep/blank out half of them. I note that Flair keeps his invectives focused on Jesus Christ, since, y'know, God is face down in the dressing room...
Attaboy, Fiendish. Never let go.
Benoit comes into the dressing room and says that if he has to drag HHH's carcass to the ring, he'll be having that match. A trainer says HHH is going noplace. Flair threatens 'a lawsuit the size of Dallas' if that happens. So it doesn't. Edge makes a sneering comment about 'How does it feel to get screwed out of a title shot?'
Benoit says that he's suddenly got some pent-up aggression, and since he can't have HHH - he'll settle for Edge. He shoves Edge down and then leaves.
Commercials. (10:34) Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas. Looks good, but I'll wait for the PC or X-Box version.
We're back (10:37) and Benoit is back in the cage. Edge makes his entrance, bounces around on the top of the ramp a bit. Jeers at a couple fans while he's there, and then comes to the ring. (10:38) Ross compares Edge's anger at getting less votes than HBK to Kerry getting less votes than Bush. Benoit punches Edge all over the place, but Edge fires back and then tries to bounce Benoit of the gate. Benoit gets loose and makes with the Choppy-Woo a bunch. Edge hits a Super Irish Whip on Benoit to the Heel corner, which he follows with a kneedrop and some brawlies, topping it off with taking the boots to him and then hitting a Suplex.
Edge starts trying to climb out, but Benoit stops him and hits some more Choppy-Woo. Benoit with a Backdrop Suplex, then HE tries to climb out. Edge stops him with an Axehandle to the lower back followed by assorted punches. Benoit comes down from the buckles and then bounces Edge's skull off the gate a few times. Benoit sets Edge against the chainlink and then Baseball slides him into the steel. Benoit comes up and tries for the Crossface, but Edge gets loose and starts pounding on Benoit's shoulder.
Edge whips Benoit to the Farside corner and runs in to capitalize, but eats a BAck Elbow. Benoit tries for the Sharpshooter, but settles on a Catapult to send Edge into the fence again. Benoit goes for the climb, but Edge stops him via crotch on the top buckle. Benoit in the Tree of Woe. Edge charges, but Benoit toe-kicks him in the face. Both men down, and we see a somber Batista watching the match from the back.
Commercials. Blade 3 this December 8. I'll have to rewind the commercial to see if HHH is 'big' enough to get a credit in the commercial. Doubt it. Didn't even see him in the trailer.
Back (10:47) and Benoit has been bounced off the gate pretty ugly. Edge is now choking him in a Rear Naked Choke with Bodyscissors. Edge finally releases, and then tries to punch Benoit as he shakily gets to a vertical base. Benoit ducks and goes to a waistlock. Edge stops the Triple German attempt with a Back Elbow. Edge with some clubbing forearms sends Benoit to one knee, and then Edge comes off the ropes with a Front Lunge Kick to knock Benoit down. Edge leaves to climb out but Benoit catches him by the toe. Edge eats the top buckle, and then a Quintuple German Suplex. That means five.
Benoit gets to his feet a bloody mess and makes the slow-cut. Benoit climbs to the top, slowly. Nope, he's climbing out. Edge comes to and tries to drag Benoit back in. They're both Standing on the top buckle and brawling. Benoit hits a NICE series of short headbutts, then the Pegasus Dive. Gets two. Benoit with the Crossface. Edge rolls back into the ropes, so Benoit punches him in the head a bit. Edge hits Benoit and then Baseball Slides him into the gate. Edge favoring his arm as he brawls with Benoit to the Nearside Corner. The ref opens the door as Edge stomps on Benoit. Benoit grabs the door and clocks Edge with it. Edge staggers back as Benoit starts to get up, so Edge charges for the Spear.
And knocks Benoit out of the ring. That was great. Edge flips out about costing himself the match, but it's too late. Ross says Edge now has something else to whine about, and we go to Dave watching from the back. Flair says HHH is pissed and Dave better get out of here. Dave says the only place he's going is that ring, and he doesn't care what shape HHH is in, they're gonna have them a conference. He also suggests that Flair decide what side he's on.
We're back, and Dave says if HHH is looking for a fight, he's got one for him (10:59). He says that tonight he's not after HHH's title. He's after HHH.
The crowd actually chants for Batista. I am officially stunned. The Game's Intro, Take Two. Flair is trying to restrain HHH, but to no avail. (11:00) The doctor that said HHH is in no shape to compete is also there, and having just as little effect stopping him.
HHH pants into the mic, and says there's only ONE thing he's got to say to Batista. "Well done, man." They hug. HHH says he loves it when a plan comes to fruition, and then pays the doctor. HHH makes fun of the fans for swerving them, and says it was even easier than he thought it would be. Neener Neener. HHH puts over how awesome their collective acting was, and tonight's MVP was most definitely Batista. He says the performance was worthy of the Oscar, or at least a Slammy...
HHH says, all kidding aside, he still should've beat Jericho. Dave's face dalls off, but Flair manages to distract him. HHH says to celebrate, they'll have some ladies come to the ring.
Orton comes out instead. "Not quite what you were expecting, is it?" Orton asks. He tells Evolution that the swerve was nice and all, but next week he'll be the GM. HHH says that it's too bad they can't wrestle for the strap. Orton suggests that if he can beat HHH next week, that stip should be lifted. HHH says it's not going to happen. Orton says since he did that, "Tomorrow, er, next week on Raw, he'll be facing EVERYONE on Door #2." Bobo still loves Live TV. A whole bunch.
Door #2 is apparently the locker-room door. Everyone comes out. Even the heels. It'll be a Company Wide Battle Royal next week. For the Title. Fade to black.
Okay, so I was mistaken about Orton being last. I guess that means it'll be Jericho doing the strap-stripping, depending on who wins that Battle Royal. Makes a bit more sense, since Jericho's character is a bit smarter than Orton's. My proof? Jericho doesn't fuck up one of the three fucking lines he's got in the whole show.
Jericho was also the Unified Champ, so he's got an axe to grind about things, anyway...
Well, I'll tell you this much: That battle royal's gonna be goddamn hell to recap. The things I do for you people...
You're welcome. See you SOON.