Hello, my intended...
Well, it's time for another edition of Raw. Excitement. Excitement. Sigh... True to my word, I didn't piss away any of my money on that Survivor Series - and to make matters worse, I didn't even look around to see who won. I figure WWe probably kicked their fanbase in the jingles again, and finding out beforehand will only lengthen the pain, really. Orwell was right about that one, at least.
Speaking of kicking the fans in the jingles, allow me to offer a hearty congratulations to Der Kommissaar for making his First Anniversary here at TRP. When people say I've done good things in this blistering binary, I can't really call them a pack of liars because I was the one that actually recommended DK for TRP when Dave asked if I knew anyone else that could write - and I also managed to convince DK to give it a shot 'for a couple weeks to see how it went', which took about two days of my best persuasiveness - at least from an online chat setting. I'm a bit more persuasive in person, but I digress... All things considered, my only concern was whether he'd be a regular poster - mostly due to the glacial pace he had for churning out E-Fed results back when we 'met'. In all fairness, I showed up near the end of the run, so he was pretty 'burned out' at the time. Yes, I knew precisely what an odd duck he is - and what sort of bizarre, twisted stuff he was readily capable of - and I still recommended him without batting an eye.
In a nutshell, it's really all my fault.
So, if you're keeping score... Barbwire Mike likes me, and I helped bring in the guy that made a complete fucking idiot out of nearly every wrestling news site (and many other 'entertainment' news sites as a bonus) out there, many of whom barter their 'credibility' to gouge fellow fans for monthly fees to access their 'news wires'. I'm pretty sure I just made a whole BUNCH of people's 'I Wish They Were Fucking Dead' lists with that kinda stuff on the resume'...
This pleases me.
Tonight's Raw will be from the Ford Center in Beaumont, Texas. Also, everyone was right about the whole BS swerve with Kane interfering in the UT/VKM match - and I was right about Team Bischoff winning. Yay. Like they won't have Steve Austin show up in Texas and cause havoc, right? Suuuure. I wonder if they'll still have the two pictures when the show starts? I'm bracing for the obvious twenty-minute brag-fest about who won... Sigh.
Yep, they did two pictures, but Bischoff spraypaints over Austin's. Then, we go to Austin giving a teary-eyed speech about his career starting and ending in Dallas. Yeah, so did Kennedy's. I don't suppose it's too much to hope someone's standing by on a grassy knoll? I guess so. And Team Bischoff is standing in the ring, so let's all brace... Seems Austin left two cans behind when he walked off, and Bischoff stomps on them. "It's time for a whole new beginning for those that supported Bischoff, and for those that haven't - it's the beginning of the end."
Yay! Ross is fucking fired. Again. I can't wait...
As a reward, Bischoff is giving everyone on Team Bischoff anything they want - within reason. Cue The Game's rubbish intro, and HHH comes out with Flair and Batista, but without the belt... Ross says that Orton somehow fucked things up with the sledgehammer and Goldberg won. What? Hunter congratulates Bischoff, and says it's good that Eric's back where he belongs... (Must... Not... Laugh...) But since Eric's giving out favors, if it wasn't for Evolution, Austin would still be there. Bischoff says that Hunter's right, and tells HHH that he can have his rematch with Goldberg any time he wants. Hunter says 'That's mighty white of you... No offense, guys. Really.' Teddy looks uncomfortable, Henry scowls. I scowl, too. HHH says that if it wasn't for the sledgehammer Goldberg used, Hunter would be champ. He says it like Goldberg would have NEVER won if he hadn't resorted to the sledge. Is that the same Triple H guy that used a sledgehammer in like 75% of his title matches actually COMPLAINING about that kinda shit? Way to look like a whiny bitch, Levesque... That'll sure scare the youngsters. Riiiight. Bischoff gives Hunter a match, pitting HHH, Orton and Batista against Goldberg in a 3-on-1 Handicap Match.
Booker T comes out to maybe restart the show, looking none the worse for wear despite being put out in a black-on-black World's Strongest Slam last night... But he's gonna have the chance for payback, tonight. Henry's been in the ring since the last segment, which makes more sense than having him leave so he can get his intro in... Okay. Sigh. They go to the badmouthing nose to nose, and Booker opens up with some brawlies, but Henry overpowers and beats him back... Booker nails some more brawling and chops, but Henry lariats him end over end. Henry tries for a vertical suplex, but Booker slips out and locks on a Sleeperhold that takes Henry to one knee, but Henry surges up and plants Booker in the corner for the old Papabear Beatdown. Booker slips free and goes for the scissors kick, but Long grabs his foot to break things up, and Henry Vader Rushes Booker to the mat. Henry in control now, and hiptosses Booker across the ring and then clamps on the old Slaughter Head Wrench... Booker trying to get the crowd behind him, slapping the mat (tapping out?) and he jumps up - and gets High-Angle Slammed and then Elbow Dropped - and put back in the Head Wrench. Take Two: Booker trying to fight free, and he staggers Henry with a few shots to get loose, and then staggers into the corner himself. Henry hits some forearms and then goes for the Avalanche, but Booker dodges aside and nails a series of Superkicks followed by a Harlem Side Kick and a Missile Dropkick, and goes for the pin... Only TWO!. Booker gets in a Spinneroonie, and then comes off the top a second time, but Henry catches him and doles out the Powerslam. Henry shoves Booker into the corner a couple times to shake him up, and then comes in for the squash, but Booker catches him in a schoolboy and pins the big mook - using the ropes. Booker scrams to bask in his victory, and Henry looks pretty pissed, which means this is an official feud now.
La Resistance coming out now, and I don't see any belts, so what the fuck is the point? Oh, they get to fight Jindrk and Cade... Wow, we haven't seen THAT before, right? Four men start it off with some nice all over the place brawling, but Cade and Jindrak force La Resistance out to the floor and get the mic - and the Cade guy gets the mic and says that they're sick of LR's crap, and is dedicating this match to his fellow Texans, and the US Armed Forces... Cade knocks over Renee with a shoulderbloock, and hits a big boot the the belly. Tag to Jindrak, who nails a nice dropkick and a few other spots before Dupree is tagged in. Back and forth spotfests, not a bad effort, really. Jinrak gets choked by Conway, and then put in a front chancery for some forearms... They cut off the ring, and tag to Dupree for some more heel beatdown. Hot tag to Cade, who makes with the house of fire and nails Cade with a Clothesline from Hell. Then they go to the old Spinebuster/Dropkick combo on Dupree and that's a wrap, with Cade getting the win for Texas and the Armed Forces.
Hey, good job, fellas! That'll bring back some of our wounded and dead... Yeah. Fucking Texans...
Ross pines to Lawler about how it'd be better with Stone Cold there, and they go to HBK to get his comments for doing all he did in the match last night. Bischoff comes out with three cops and calls the segment off, and thanks Michaels for 'all he did last night'. Michaels calls Bischoff an incredible dirtbag and how while HBK and Austin had different approaches, they loved this job and to Bischoff it's just a business. This job was all that brought peace to Stone Cold's heart (yeah, that and beating on chicks), and Eric took it away from him. Eric responds by saying it wasn't HIM that forced the stips, and it SURE wasn't him laying beat in the center of the ring - so if Michaels wants to blame someone he should go home and look in a mirror. In fact, he should just go home since Bischoff hasn't got anything for him - he's done. The cops escort HBK out of the building.
Cut to Test and Steiner in the back talking shit about getting a Championship Tag Match against the Dudleys tonight is Steiner's 'bonus' for being 'with Bischoff' and Steiner basically tells Test to knock that whole 'property' shit off. Test says 'Maybe' and then Steiner asks about Stacy. Test says it's cool as long as she does what she's told - and she always does. Sigh.
Next up, RVD versus Nay Cha Bwa for the IC strap... The referee informs RVD that according to Bischoff, the Five Star Splash is an illegal move. Flair comes out with Randy Orton, and Orton joins the broadcast booth. Flair continues to the ring, and the referee opens the ropes for him. Yeah, that's good. Right down the middle, huh? Flair starts off stalling and giving 'Woo' to the crowd a couple times before shoving RVD to the corner for some chops and brawls. RVD fights back and gets Flair in a knockdown and then a Standing Moonsault. Flair back up, and he eats the world's slowest Back Body Drop followed by the Twisting Legdrop. Gets Two. They spill outside for a couple minutes of brawling and go back inside. RVD kicks Flair over and goes to the top, but Flair pushes him off the turnbuckle to the floor and they make with some more brawling outside. RVD in trouble now, and Flair rolls him inside for a quick lovbridge and slaps on the Figure Four. RVD turns it over, and Flair cuts him loose. RVD struggling to his feet, but Flair's already up. Quick step back and Flair dishes up another lowbridge. RVD shoves Flair into a corner and starts working on him, but Flair turns him around and goes to some brawling. Flair in trouble, and Orton comes down... Orton eats a baseball slide. No, two, but Flair gets a lowblow in. Pins RVD, for two. RVD fights up and knocks Flair over and lays him out with Rolling Thunder. RVD goes to the top, maybe for the 5-Star, but Orton interferes and nails the RKO for the DQ. Orton tries on the IC belt and they style and profile before hitting the bricks.
Cut to Coach, who makes fun of Hurricane and Rosey on the way in (wearing a neckbrace) and goes to Bischoff's office for instructions for next week. Raw Roulette (aka Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal Version: Suck) in Salt Lake City Utah, and Coach is in charge of procuring the chicks for it... That should be funny. Like a rubber crutch.
Highlight Reel Returns! Yay. Personally, I'd rather watch Jericho wrestle for ten minutes than talk for twenty (but it's pretty close). Jericho totally takes credit for getting rid of Austin, despite Orton actually getting the pin. Jericho rubs the fans' collective noses in Austin's loss and being gone, and then calls out his guest... Lita.
Well, at least she didn't win the WC, right? Thank God. Jericho talks some shit about how Lita fucking failed, but Lita says if Jericho is gonna tell her something she doesn't already know - go ahead, but she didn't come out there to be insulted by a jackass. Jericho says, nah, but he's got someone to call out that will make her feel better. She warns him it better not be Christian, but he says it's not. It's someone whose contract just expired with Smackdown, and is making his triumphant return... Matt Hardy. (Matt Hardy?) Hardy says he's got something he wants to ask her, that he's wanted to for a while... He gets down on one knee - and Molly comes out and demands respect. Jericho says she should use her anger constructively, and allows her to pick a partner to make a mixed tag match, presumably as his 'bonus' for backing Eric... Molly picks Bischoff. Even Jericho looks surprised. Personally, I'm flabbergasted.
At least they broke up that tired 'in-ring proposal' bullshit. That's cool.
Molly coming through the halls and Eric chastises Molly about picking him for the match, but she explains that Eric gets a chance to make Lita pay. He likes it, but says that there's a catch. If Lita and Matt win, Lita gets another title shot. If they lose, Lita's fucking fired. Forever.
Dudleys up next, and it looks like they got a new shirt... Dudley Baseball Jersey, eh? Sigh. Title match against Steiner and Test, which should be what I've come to call 'Anti-Entertaining'. Dvon and Test start, after Test verbally abuses Stacy from the apron. Test with some brawling sends Dvon to the ropes, but Dvon hits a twisting forearm. Test hits a couple good shots and then tags in Steiner. Steiner with some brawling, but Dvon tags in Bubba. Bubba with a Sidewalk Slam on Poppa Pump. Test starts telling Stacy to sit down outside, and Bubba tries to interfere and gets punched. Steiner with a Suplex and then the Kissing Elbow Drop to Pushups Spot. Tag to Test, who makes with some more beatdown, but Stacy starts pounding the mat for Bubba (who's surprised?). Bubba powers up and nails the Bubba Bomb then tags in Dvon. Dvon cleans house and takes Test down for a pinning combo, but Pump breaks it up. All four men in there now, and they throw Steiner to the floor and give Test the Wassuuuup. Steiner back in breaks it up, and he gets a 3-D Backdrop Suplex. Test breaks things up after Steiner rolls out, and he hits Dvon with a Full Nelson Slam. Gets two. Test calls for Stacy to give him the belts, but she refuses - probably because she's as tired of beltshots as we are - and Test gets 3-Ded for the loss.
Lita and Matt talking in the back, and she goes, "Wasn't there something you wanted to ask me?" He says, "Sure, but not right now... I want things to be perfect. After our first kiss (?????) and stuff... Let's just concentrate on the match, and handle the other stuff afterwards..."
Is it my imagination, or wasn't Matt a heel last week? What the fuck? Could he totally heartbreak Lita tonight? Nah, that would be cool.
Oh, it's not Mixed Tag, it's Intergender so Bischoff can beat on Lita... Sigh. Molly and Lita start it off. Molly tries a Sidewalk Slam, but Lita takes her over in a headscissors. Molly back up and suplexes Lita and then starts beating on her with double axe-handles and then a fishook. Molly then tries a bodyslam, but Lita reverses into a Reverse DDT. Bischoff is in his suit (what, no gi?) and gets the tag, and he steps in and nabs Lita by the hair - but she slaps him and goes to make the tag... But Matt shortarms her and drops off the apron. Lita is stunned, and Bischoff snatches her over and pins her.
That was GREAT. Fucking GREAT!!!
Hardy comes in and pops his big question, "How could she be so SELFISH?" All she had to do after her injury was come to Smackdown with the Lonely Matt Hardy, but Nooooo, she had to train for taking the WC - and she fucked that up, too! He explains that he's tired of playing second-fiddle to her career. He then tells Lita they're through. Wow. Dumped AND fired?
Val Venis up next, and he comes out with Lance Storm - who's walking with two different chicks from last week. This is a team? Sigh. Well, it couldn't get any worse, right? Wrong! Rico! They start off with a collar and elbow, and then Rico palms Val's buittcheek. Val gets irritated, and makes with a series of suplexes, but Rico slips out and takes him down in a double knee falldown backbreaker thing... Think Inverted Monkeyflip, but no flip. It looks pretty good, believe it or not. Rico shoves Val into the corner and rubs all over his chest. They go back and forth, but Rico's in full control of the match and locks on a Tai Gatame to choke Val down. Lance looks concerned, but Val starts powering up and frees himself with some elbows. Val makes with a bunch of clotheslines and then a flying shoulderblock. Rico with a Sleeper, but Val counters with a Powerbomb. Rico with a runup, and gets thrown down. Val climbs to the top for the Moneyshot, but Jackie stops it... Sorta. Val shoves Jack off the top and she hits hard on the outside, but struggles to her feet - showing full nip, I might add - and backs into Lance's crotch. She seems surprised by what she finds there... Stunned even. Yes, stunned, since she still hasn't registered her nipple's out in front of thousands of people live and maybe a couple million at home... Mike, screenshots! STAT! Val gets in the Moneyshot in the confusion, and that'll put this to bed. No pun intended... Question: If Lance is doing the whole 'Cock Joke = Over' thing now, what the hell are they gonna do with Heidenreich and Little Johnny?
We cut to Lita leaving the building in tears, with a dog in her duffel. Christian stops her, but she's totally not into this right now - being all fired and shit. Christian tells her not to worry about it, since he used his 'bonus' from Eric to get Lita her job back.
Thanks a fucking LOT, man. Kindly drop DEAD.
Lita is happy, and Christian offers her an ear and a shoulder - and she goes for it! Nice rebound, there, huh? Does that make Christian a shameless opportunist, or Lita a filthy whore? Neither. They were those already. Heh.
Flashback to last night, and it seems Bischoff called out the Dallas Maverick's owner for the crime of being a Stone Cold fan, but he gets shoved on his ass. Randy Orton charges out and RKOs the guy. Welcome back, Celebrity Death Match...
Back to business, and Evolution is gabbing about how cool it was last night. Orton is stoked for getting an IC title match against RVD at Armageddon, and talks about all the guys that held the IC strap before... Steamboat, Patterson, Valentine, Honkytonk Man... HHH takes serious umbrage at the mention of Honkytonk Man, God knows why... Wait. HHH tells the others that they can do what they want to Bill, except pinning him. HHH wants that for himself.
Trish confronts Jericho about the setup on Lita, but he was 'just as surprised as she was, since he thought Matt was gonna propose' and Trish goes off on how the Chris out there was NOT the Chris she spent time with. The Chris out there was not the Chris she knew, and she doesn't want to know 'that' Chris. Jericho explains that he set this up because he wanted to be nice, and it blowing up like that was not his doing at all. Honest. He wouldn't disrespect Lita, because Lita is Trish's friend and doing so would disrespect Trish. Then they kiss...
What the FUCK???
Evolution comes out (it's 10:57 right now, BTW) at a combined weight of 838 pounds for the big Goldberg match... Goldberg comes out next (10:59) and makes his way to the meat grinder of the whole 3-on-1 thing. Bill seems nonplussed in the face of overwhelming odds, and that's probably because Orton is starting things off. Bill shoves him off like a gnat. Randy with a kick to the belly, goes to a side headlock. Bill breaks loose and then knocks Batista and HHH off the apron before grabbing Orton in an Overhead Press. He throws Orton out the ring onto Dave and Jean-Paul. Batista is tagged in and he starts brawling. Batista makes with the badmouth, and gets lariated out of his boots. Goldberg Powerslam Whip for a pinning combo, but HHH breaks it up. HHH tagged in and he gets a Back Body Drop. Bill readies the Spear, but Flair yanks his bad leg out from under him. HHH with the Kneelift. Tag to Dave, who nails a big kneelift to the belly. Bill brawling his way out, but Orton hits a dropkick. Bedlam busts out and Goldberg handily dispatching Evolution with a flurry of clotheslines and Spears HHH. Picks him up for the Jackhammer, but Orton interferes. Evoution makes a series of attacks. Randy with the RKO. Batista with the Sitout Powerbomb. HHH with the Pedigree. Threecount. Hunter pulls in a chair and sits in it. He tells Goldberg he'll see him next week for the title, and then they put Bill's head in the chair like they did his ankle before. Hunter climbs the top for the deathblow, but Kane comes out...
Evolution scrams in the face of the Monster, and Kane then chokeslams Goldberg to hell...
I reiterate... HUH?
That's a wrap, too. An interesting show. They're getting better with the out of ring soap-opera thing. Much better. The in-ring work could have been better, but it was passable overall and sets up some possibly interesting feuds if they work it correctly.
Yeah, I know, but a guy can dream right?
You're welcome. See you SOON.