Political Asylum?
Written 11-15-04Hello, my intended...
As ever, here I am whistling in the dark. Sure, I could be watching my beloved Eagles take on the despised Cowboys, but instead I'm gonna pound out a Recap that odds are nobody will see. Oh well, like I said, I plan to keep doing this until either WWe or I am dead.
So, let's see... Tonight, as per the conditions of winning their Survivor Series match, the 'inmates' will be in charge of Raw for the next four weeks. The inmates in specific are Benoit, Jericho, Orton and Maven. I'm guessing Maven will go first and Orton last - sort of an ascending level of 'over'. Benoit and Jericho are the wildcards, since I'm not sure which of the two of them are more over. Probably Jericho, since he can work the stick.
Personally, I'm all atwitter. Yes, I know the WWe has catastrophically bungled every single Money-in-the-Bank angle they've ever stumbled upon, but I can't help but feel that this little experiment will go at least fairly well. Why do I feel this, considering the evidence of the last couple years?
Because I'm a fucking idiot. Pay attention.
In other news, looks like Raw's got two or three 'Divas' from their dumbass contest in various roles. One of them as a cheerleader, one of them as a microphone stand, and maybe another one selling pretzels. Hell, I dunno. It's a poor replacement for the people they've let go. Except A-Train. He sucked. You could replace him with a bag of kibble and nobody would notice; mostly because nobody watches Heat. Then again, kibble has at least a remote chance of getting over.
Until Tommy Dreamer eats it.
At any rate, I figure the winners will give HHH and company a taste of what it's like to be on the shitty end of the stick - eventually if not inadvertantly making Evolution 'faces' against the stacked deck of People Out to Get Them. Yeah, I know how stupid it is, too, but people with sense and/or spines don't write for Vince. It's true. It's damn true.
With that out of the way, let's look at this week's episode. Raw is... Doom.
Standard Raw Intro.
We start right off with La Resistance in the rings waving their flags. Conway makes with the belting of Oh, CAaaa-Na-DUHhhhh.
Maven comes out to break it up wearing a big-ass boo-boo patch on his forehead. Also to welcome everyone here in Indianapolis to Raw. Cheap pop. Maven tells us who won Survivor Series. Pop. He also says tonight is his night (Bobo right? Get outta here!) and first up, the Reunited Edge and Christian will face Benoit and Benjamin. Also, Coach will face J.R.
You just lost me, kid.
Oh, The Zombie will face Kiebler in a lingerie pillow-fight.
Bwuh?
And of course Maven gives himself a title shot against HHH. But back to La Resistance. They'll defend their Tag Straps in a 3-2 Elimination Match. First Team? Rhyno and Tajiri. Second Team? Eugene and Regal. Um, how's this gonna work?
Regal starts. No, it's Rhyno. He and Conway lock up and Conway with some brawlies before Rhyno flings him with a HipBlock and some brawlies of his own. Conway with brawlies puts Rhyno in the Nearside. Rhyno punches out of the corner and Back Body Drops Conway, then he tags Tajiri and puts Conway in a Camel Clutch so Tajiri can Dropkick him in the face. Conway tags Eugene.
Eugene goes for the Airplane Spin Slam, but Tajiri Counters with a Body Scissors to Funk Roll. They chain all over the place trading covers and twocounts. Both of them up. Crowd pops. Yeah, it was nice. Tajiri with a waistlock takedown. Eugene floats out and then takes Tajiri over with a Side Headlock. They go back to trading covers and rollups.
Commercials. Backyard Wrestling 2, eh? Yeah, there goes the neighborhood alright. Here's hoping that the game will be better than the first one, which it could be by being a blank disc.
We're back with Eugene playing Horsey with Tajiri. Tajiri up with some kicks. Tajiri Whips Eugene to the ropes and tries a Monkey Flip, but Eugene cartwheels to counter. Crowd pops. Yeah, it was nice. Never see that kind of shit anymore. Eugene in the La Resistance corner, so Conway tags himself in. Conway whips Tajiri to the ropes, and Tajiri hits the Handspring Back Elbow. Tag to Sylvan, who hits a couple slams and covers. Pendulum Backbreaker also gets two. Grenier whips Tajiri to the farside, so Rhyno tags himself in and beats the SHIT out of Grenier, topping off with a Belly to Belly. Rhyno tries the Spear but Conway shoves Grenier out of the way. Rhyno hits the cornerpost and falls down. Sylvan pins him, Conway grabs his legs. Rhyno and Tajiri are eliminated.
Eugene in, and all hell breaks loose. Faster than I can type, even. Regal almost gets the pin. Eugene back in and gets double-teamed. He hulks up. They toss him outside and work him over, then toss him in and work a Head Wrench. Double Team tactics on Eugene, Conway tries some offense but gets Rock Bottomed. Regal and Sylvan tagged in. Regal beats Sylvan up, but the ref is busy putting Eugene out. Conway tries to hit Regal with the Flagpole, but Regal ducks it. Sylvan's balls get Quebecced. Regal then tosses Conway out of the ring and covers. Then he hops up and tags Eugene. Eugene hits the People's Elbow for the win.
New champs. Eugene grabs some kids out of the crowd to come in the ring and play airplane with him to celebrate.
Commercials. Subway's Meatball Sand is being called 'The Total Happiness'. I shit you not. Also, WWe 24/7 Network will be available through 'On Demand'.
The new chick is interviewing Regal, and he says he sent Eugene away to calm down. Instead, Eugene comes back with Yoo-Hoos and pours them on Regal and the chick while chanting British Bulldogs. Eugene mentions a few other teams and apes their catchphrases (and I must admit him doing 'Whaaaaaaaata RUSH' garnered a chuckle from me) before Regal scolds him and sends him away. Regal and the chick stand there a second to assess their impromptu milk bath. Regal's got a hanky and bashfully tries to dab her boobies dry. Then he exits.
Maven meets some chick named Candance and tells her to meet him at his office later. She agrees. Maven admires his nameplate on the GM door, then walks in and sees HHH. He asks if he can help HHH. HHH says no, but he could help Maven. He offers Maven a spot in Evolution. Maven says he's keeping the Title Match. HHH says ever since Orton left Evolution he's been looking for talent (you've been looking longer than that, Levesque. I don't think you'll find it) - and he's been watching Maven. He knows Maven's good, but he knows how bad he got beat by Snitsky which would make his Title Match a longshot at best.
HHH asks if Maven has friends. Maven says yes. HHH asks where his friends were when Snitsky was beating his ass last night? Maven has no answer. And if Maven should win? Trips tells him that those friends will be coming to try and take that title from him. But you know what the difference is between HHH and Maven's friends? HHH tells the Truth. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night) Anyhow, he offers a Sure Thing in Evolution or a Longshot for the Strap. He asks what Maven wants, fame? Glory? Chicks? Money? HHH can deliver all that and more. HHH tempts a bit more. And more. And more. Think about it, Maven. Think about it. When the time comes, he'll be in the ring waiting for Maven's answer. HHH pats him on the shoulder and tells him he looks sharp and will fit in great before he finally leaves.
Commercials. Dead or Alive - Ultimate. Worth. Every. Penny. Not so much for the remixed Saturn original, but the Dreamcast version with the Volleyball engine? Awesome!
We're back, and Lita makes her way to the ring... Ross says, "Lita's about to get it on on Raw for the first time since May." Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night #2.
Molly will be her opponent. Next Raw-Only PPV will be New Years' Revolution. Cute. Lita and Molly tie up. Molly pushed to the ropes. Clean break. Molly comes off and is put in a Side Chancery. Lita drops a forearm on Molly's back and then Suplexes her. Crowd chants 'Lita'. Lita with a Wishbone Stomp to the Belly of Molly, then puts her in a Double Prawn. Gets two. Lita whips Molly to the Face corner and lariats her inside out. Lita whips Molly to the opposite side and charges in. Molly counters with a Body Slam, then whips Lita to the ropes. Lita counters with an Anklescissors. Molly hits the mat hard and Lita puts her in a Chinlock that she turns into a Tai Gatame. Molly taps. Lita looks on cocky-like as Molly angsts, so Trish comes out in a faceshield and says Lita messed up her beautiful face. Molly backjumps Lita, but is DDTed. Trish stands there flummoxed, apparently expecting a two on one, so Lita punches her in the nose. Trish flops around howling and Lita marches away.
Commercials. Apparently, the Rise and Fall of ECW is to be released on DVD tomorrow. As added humor, Styles is the ECW commentator for the footage used in the commercial. I smell a lawsuit. Think they did this because of Styles showing his ass about the Towel-heads? Me too.
Raw Interactive Poll on WWe.Com... Will Maven join Evolution? Who cares?
Coach is in the ring for his match with J.R. Coach tells Ross to strip down to his Sooner Drawers and step up because he's gonna go down faster than Peyton Manning in a Championship Game. The crowd boos. Ross begins to strip down for the match and then marches to the ring in his dress shirt, Resistol Hat and slacks as the OU fight song plays.
Coach bouncing around like a boxer all ready to fight. Ross prepares for some pugilism, but Maven pops onto the Titantron. Seems he meant for Coach to face another R. RKO. Orton comes to the ring. Coach tries to flee. Ross trips him before leaving. Coach scuttles over the barrier and tries to hide. Orton drags him into the ring and punches him in the belly. Orton puts Coach crotch-first on the top ropes and bounces him by the dingding a bit. Coach stumbles back into the ring and Orton grabs him by the face and pulls back a left hand. Then just thumbs him in the eye with the right. Coach staggers, so Orton hits him with the European Uppercut and then the RKO. Coach is pinned.
Grisham in the back with Edge and Christian. It's been almost three years since they've been together. Edge says that he wrote a book and shit, and thanks to Maven he's back at Square One with of all people CHRISTIAN.
Christian tells him to watch out before he strains his voicebox and is out another six months. (ZING! Nice one!) He tells Edge he's not happy about the reunion either, but Edge should tone it down and follow his lead.
Commercials.
Orton marching around in the back and bumps into Maven. They congratulate each other on screwing Coach over. Orton's asking if Maven's ready for the title shot. Maven looks unsure. Orton calls him on the carpet about maybe dealing with HHH? Maven's not sure. Maven points out that as long as HHH is the champ, Orton can have no shot - but if it were someone else? He asks if Orton's looking out for Maven - or himself? He walks off, leaving Orton to worry.
Edge comes to the ring. Christian comes to the ring with new music - and Tomco.
Shelton comes out next wearing the IC belt. Benoit to make it four. E&C bail to the floor when Benoit hits the ring. Christian to start it with a cheapshot as Edge talks up Benoit. Benoit recovers and puts Christian in the corner for brawlies. They brawl back and forth, then Benoit whips Christian to the Farside and tags in Benjamin. Benjamin sends Christian to the ropes and hits a Back Body Drop to Pancake. Tag to Edge. Edge with some brawlies, then he mocks Benoit. Benoit starts into the ring, so the ref ejects him to the apron. Edge with a bunch of shots, then tags in Christian. Christian chokes Shelton in the Nearside, then whips him to the Farside and goes for the Monkey Flip. Benji lands on his feet. Christian gets Powerslammed for two but Edge breaks it up. Edge tagged in. He comes at Benji, but is punched. Benji tags in Benoit. Edge flees the ring. Christian, Tomco and Edge have a confab on the floor, so Shelton and Benoit hit E&C with a Double Baseball Slide.
Commercials. Metroid 2 on Gamecube... Meh. Metroid is NOT a First Person Shooter. I cannot accept it.
We're back and Edge has Benjamin pinned. Gets two. Edge goes to a Cross Armbreaker Submission as we get replay of Edge, Tomco and Christian working Shelton over during the break. SB is up, but Edge hits a Front Lunge Kick to send him back down. Benoit breaks up the pin attempt. The ref then ejects him, so Christian comes in and they Double Armdrag SB. Christian and Edge work on SB's left wing. Edge yanks it across the ropes, Christian armbars him. Christian hits a Single Arm DDT, then sends SB to the Farside. Edge tagged back in, so they try the Two-Man Splash. Benji ducks. Tag to Benoit. Benoit hits Christian with the Triple German. Tomco on the apron to distract long enough for Edge to charge with the Spear. Benoit ducks and Tomco is Speared off the apron, and then ricocheted off the barrier. Edge gets a Triple German for his efforts. Edge falls outside. Christian still the legal man, so he shoves Benoit to the Face Corner. Benji in, so he runs the ropes and hits Christian in the corner with the Splash. Benoit climbs the ropes after tagging himself back in, and there's the Headbutt. Christian put into the Crossface. He taps.
Benoit and Benjamin leave. Edge beats Christian up on the outside. Because their loss is his fault. Edge not getting the title shot is his fault, too. It's also everyone's fault. Edge tells a fan to shut up and then leaves Christian curled up on the floor.
Cut to Maven on the phone talking about a Big Decision. Flair comes in to give him an incentive for the Right Decision. Two broads. Nice looking ones, too. I guess Flair had a handful of fifties... He leaves them with Maven and struts off as Ross and Lawler warn us that the Big Pillowfight is next, in case we want to get a sandwich or take a shit or something...
Commercials. Ocean's Twelve to premiere on 12-10-04. Maybe someone will care.
We're back, and there's a bed in the ring with some pillows on it. Lawler shills some Clearasil Aftershave. The Zombie comes to the ring first, and then sits on the bed. Stacy comes out next. Zombie struts her stuff in the ring as Stacy makes her way down the ramp. Stacy gets into the ring in her usual way. Both chicks remove their robes.
They start throwing pillows at each other, then start popping each other. Feathers all over the place. Stacy's getting the upper hand. She knocks the Zombie onto the bed, then slaps her tuchas. Zombie turns on the bed and sprawls into Stacy. Stacy's Spread Eagled around her - and her shoulders are on the floor/mat. Stacy is pinned. Threecount.
HHH says that the Zombie is hot, and that he'd like to fluff her pillows. Dave asks HHH what the fuck he's doing asking Maven into Evolution. HHH says nothing good can come of Batista thinking. He explains his motives, sort of. Dave is confused. So is Bobo.
Commercials.
We're back for a Simon Dean bit. We're given the results of the poll, and the fans think Maven will say 'No', 64% to 36%. Dean's already got a fatty in the ring to mock. Nova tells us that we can't deny the truth - we NEED the Simon System. America's Heartland is in danger of having a heart-attack. He asks the fatty in the ring what his name is. It's Eric. Nova says that the Simon System can save his life, and gives him a patented, 'Dean-licious' protein bar. Eric's not impressed with the taste. Nova says it must be the first time he decided not to eat something that was put in front of him, and he talks about fatties a bit.
Rosey comes out to the ring to confront Nova. DK just had a heart attack because I suggested they do this in a chat we had last week. I hope DK's okay. Nova talks about Rosey hiding his shame behind a mask, then offers him a protein bar. Rosey shoves the bar down Nova's throat, then shoves him to the Face corner. Rosey makes the Avalanche Rush attempt, but Nova yanks the fattie into the spot as he evades. Eric gets squished. Nova uses Rosey's moment of confusion to wallop him with a can of the Tang and escape.
Smackdown Rebound. Who stabbed John Cena? Who is Carlito's new buddy? Who gives a fuck?
Commercials.
We're back as the chicks are giving Maven a shoulder massage. Benoit and Jericho come in and - after noting he's in his wrestling gear - ask him if he's made the right decision. Maven asks about the Snitsky beating. Jericho says that HHH is a liar and urges him to make the right decision. Jericho leaves. Benoit starts to, as well, but Maven stops him and asks him what he thinks. Benoit asks him if he's wondering what to do. Maven says yes. Benoit asks him how long he's been wrestling. Maven says 3 and a half years. Benoit tells him after that long he's getting a shot at the title, and he's wondering what to do? Benoit was waiting EIGHTEEN years of sweat, agony, and sacrifice before he got a shot, and fucking MAVEN is wondering WHAT TO DO? He storms off. Maven looks thoughtful. Best promo I've seen from Benoit. EVER.
Commercials. (10:45) Some geek comes into an office with a little cloud raining Skittles on his head - and all over the floor. Yeah, you've got to be on the SPECIAL crack to work in advertising. Nothing else makes sense.
Wrestlemania Recall... 1996. HBK beats Hart for the Heavyweight Strap. Yeah, they still love Hart at the towers. It shows.
Mohammed Hassan shows us his Uncle's grocery store and tells us that his Uncle's store is going to be closed because nobody will patronize the place out of Anti-Arab prejudice. He says he will lead a revolt against our own country, in necessary, to put an end to these injustices. Then the other guy says so in Arabesque.
HHH makes his way to the ring (10:50). Flair and Batista are twelve steps behind him. Trips works the crowd some, and then Maven makes the Long Walk (10:52). The crowd doesn't react to him. At all. Triple H gets a mic and says
"Maven, now is the time..." He can have the match and after he loses he can go back to jerking the curtain - or you can make the Right Choice and have all his dreams come true. "Choice is yours."Maven says he's thought long and hard about it, but he wants only one thing. To be the new World Heavyweight Champion. HHH nods. Lawler calls Maven an idiot and they ring the bell. Trips calls the rest of the crew into the ring. Benoit and Jericho come down the ramp as well. They tie up (10:55) and HHH with a Side Headlock. Maven Whips free. HHH shoulderblocks him down. Maven tosses HHH outside. Benoit and Jericho toss him back inside. HHH shoves Maven to the Nearside and then punches him down. HHH whips Maven to the Farside. Maven tries to counter with a rollup, so Dave hops up and clobbers Maven. The ref ejects Dave. Flair takes umbrage. The ref ejects Flair. HHH is looking worried, so to get himself back in gear he hits the Running Knee, then covers. Benoit drags him off the kid from the outside.
HHH goes outside and Benoit closes him off. HHH yanks Maven outside. Jericho distracts the ref so Benoit can bounce the Game off the Steps. The referee questions Benoit, so Jericho smashes HHH too. Maven tries a rollup. Gets two. Maven hits a Dropkick, then a Spinning Heel Kick. He tries for a Crossbody, but HHH ducks. Benoit distracts the referee as HHH goes for the Pedigree.
Jericho Facebusters him, then hits the Lionsault. Gets Maven two. Maven mounts HHH in the Face Corner for the Tencount Punches, but HHH counters with a Manhattan Drop. HHH hits the Pedigree. He pins Maven. Jericho puts Maven's foot on the ropes. The ref sees it, so he ejects Jericho. During the ejection, Benoit German Suplexes HHH and then hits the flying headbutt. Maven pins HHH, but only gets two. Edge runs out and Spears the referee. Flair and Dave are in. Benoit and Flair are in. All hell breaks loose. The referee is still out. Orton charges out and Beltshots HHH into Next Week. The ref wakes up long enough to try to count a pinfall on HHH, but Flair drags him outside. Snitsky comes out and Kicks Maven inside out. HHH finishes him off with the Pedigree. The ref counts to three.
Blech. Even so, I guess it's too soon to turn Maven. People are JUST beginning to accept him as a Face. Not bad, only took about three and a half years... Heh. Still, having HHH beat the stacked deck like that is pretty crappy. Blech.
Oh well, I didn't expect too much for the Post-PPV show. However, this was much better than their usual Post-PPV fare.
You're welcome. See you SOON.
Commercials.