Hello, my intended...For laughs, and because nobody else seems to want to do it, I decided to slam out a recap for all you TRP readers to give you all the MrFiendish watching RAW with you experience - without any of the embarrassing worrying about your safety most of the people that know I know where they live go through... Heh.
RAW graphic intro... It's interesting that the graphic features the Smackdown Logo at the start...
Rockets! Explosions! Thirty seconds precisely until they show HHH... New record.
Shawn Michaels shown reading the paper... Crowd pops. Shit, if they pop for him putting down the newspaper, most of them won't survive when he gets around to actually wrestling... Not that I'd complain.
Oh, my... RVD and Kane versus Jericho and Christian as the curtain jerker match? Trying to pad the first quarter ratings, eh, Eric? Christian still isn't getting his intro music, and is coming out three steps ahead of Y2J. I guess someone read the 10 steps behind slam... Nick Patrick the ref... Yeah, that should be another stellar officiation for his resume. What the fuck is it with them making every tag team self-destruct when they finally start getting somewhere? Oh yeah, HHH isn't on a tag-team, which means they're not important.
Jericho and RVD start off actually wrestling. Nice back and forth old-school sprinkled with highspots, culminating with RVD hitting a nice standing moonsault into Y2J's upper thighs... Kane tags in. Ineffective offense from Jericho to sell the 'monster' deal leading up to a Hanging tree on Y2J, and a clobber on Christian sending him to the floor. Kane then military presses 2 and tosses him onto Christian on the floor. RVD follows with a tope con hilo to both Tag Champs, and Patrick is on the outside trying to regain control and break up Christian and RVD, despite the legal men being in the ring... Meanwhile, Kane chokeslam the Ayotollah and covers for about a six-count. Good old Nick. You can always count on his years of experience.
Nick remembers these two aren't legal and dives in to get a one-count. Christian gets in the ring shortly after and kicks Kane in the mush to break up the longest count since Bundy. Jericho manages to distract Nick in the confusion and Christian with the low-blow to turn the tide. Some heelish wailing on Kane, but he still manages to tag in RVD. Y'know, because Kane is supposed to be immune to pain... Good old WWE. You can always count on consistent booking with them. Consistently bad. They must think we have the memories of goldfish.
RVD takes a stack of lumps and gets tossed outside. Y2J follows him out and then starts strangling RVD on the outside with the TV feed... Y'know, it was pretty sad watching DDP get that from Hogan, and it's still not such a hot spot. These two do NOT need to draw parallels to DDP vs. Hogan, even by accident. Jericho starts that shuck and jive followed by a halfhearted Hogan 'What' pantomime, and I wish even HARDER that the guy could take good advice when I write it. He then tags in Christian.
More wailing on RVD, but he makes the hot tag and Kane crushes all. Tosses Jericho over the top and totally decimates the No-Luck Canuck. Chokeslam. Time for pin, but RVD was starting in to stop the double team and Nick spent the whole time trying to get him back into his corner. What do you know, Nick missed something important...
Nick Patrick FURTHER doesn't see Y2J hit Kane with the belt... No, not NICK? I'm flabbergasted he missed that. RVD takes things into his own hands and massacres J with a series of kicks, and goes for the 5-Star on Christian while Jericho is regrouping on the floor. Nice elevation, clear across the ring from corner to corner over the prone Kane to hit Christian and I get to hear Saucy go 'Hangtime! The Hangtime! My god, the Hangtime!' Thrilling. Really. That's why Saucy gets the big bucks.
Jericho gets a chair and a DQ at 9:15.7 to 'save their titles'. Continues waffling the shit out of both RVD and Kane... Is this supposed to get him over as a crazy heel? Well, they've tried almost everything else. God forbid they let him WRESTLE, since that would make HHH look like a lazy stiff. Not that THAT is a State Secret.
CSI Commercial.
Smackdown-Shut your Mouth Commercial starring Lesnar... Looks nice, but the guy still talks like Eddie Haskell with a nightstick up his ass... HHH is the biggest face on the cover, and I start making comparisons to Orndorff shilling Hogan's Home Hulkamania Fitness Kit...
Commercial for Smackdown. The show. Yeah, that brand separation is going just peachy...
Replay of the 5-star, and Saucy mentions Hangtime again... From the replay angle it looks REAL sloppy, so I can only assume HHH is 'directing' in the trailer.
Terri interviews Y2J and Christian, and Y2J promises to win the Chamber thing and storms off. Christian says if anyone can't make it, 'Eric said' he will 'get their spot' and that he'll win - even if he has to take out his tag team partner, he's gonna win it. Y2J crushes him for talking such ridiculous nonsense...
Arn Anderson shrugs somewhere, "What can I say? I already gave up MY spot." Oh, wait, I was just wishing they did that. That would have been cool...
Segment hyping Michaels new feud with TRIPLE H... The 'out of the wheelchair and onto the dancefloor' spot that W.V. Grant made famous. And that These Two MEN will meet in the cage with, y'know, a couple other guys, or something...
And just in case you can't be bothered to boot up Google, W.V. Grant was a TV Evangelist that was exposed as a fraud by famous debunker, The Amazing Randy.
Helms interviews Booker for his thoughts on the Elimination Chamber. Been doin' more thinkin' than Abraham Lincoln, quotes Booker...Wants to beat HHH's pompous ass... Yeah, Book. On Raw. That'll happen. Good luck.
Helms and Little Dust compare microphone size, Testicles, and Golden Globes. Little Dust predicts victory vs. Test and Stephen Richards for Little Dust and Hurricane. Starting to like Little Dust a teeny bit, probably because of all the times his voice changes in a forty second promo... Peter Brady meets Mel Blanc for dinner and a friendly bending across the kitchen counter after. Wonder who dries...?
Jeff Hardy next, finishing up a new paintjob... Damn thing looks like he had the Stinger crying on his shoulder.
WWE Rewind thingie shows Dreamer eating that gayish rugby squib kick from Regal last week... Dreamer always could sell anything. He's why people used to think Scottie Flamingo and PJ Walker were tough, but I'll digress rather than get all misty for the Viking Hall days... Ahem, Regal's a damn tough shooter. Right. Carry on.
Hardy to face Lance Storm accompanied by Regal, both carrying their respective flags. Way to sell Veteran's Day, boys, but it's not celebrated in your respective countries. Half-hearted USA chants ensue, mostly from the drunks that forgot these guys are complete tools that nobody sober cares about.
Some brawling, leading up to Jeff trying for a Crucifix take-down. 'Hardy attempts to mount Storm," says JR, for the unintentional funniest line of the night. Some more back and forth with near falls and such. Nice Stungun from Hardy and Steve Austin would be proud if he wasn't sitting at home - alone, but I digress. More back and forth and Storm spills outside. Regal and Storm go to a huddle to discuss strategy and Hardy dishes up a double lariat. If he wasn't a little squirt, that may have done something. Storm hits the deck but Regal doesn't and starts in on Hardy, but the ref stops him. Storm rolls in, and the referee rolls in with him. Storm does the distraction cliche' and Regal bounces Hardy around a little before Dreamer comes out for the save and starts to shoe Regal in the ass. But Storm with the baseball slide catches Dreamer in the 'injured face' and Dreamer is down, but so is Regal. Hardy gets in the ring and botches the Twist of Fate, turning it to a hangman's neckbreaker instead of an Ace Crusher, but JR calls it the Twist of Fate anyway. Swanton. Hardy wins.
F-View shows Victoria bullying Terri and tearing her clothes off.
Eric Bischoff is clapping and smiling, and Terri marches into his office to complain about being attacked 'by a psycho nutjob for no reason whatsoever'. They're really selling Victoria being a monster, which should last until about one second after Jazz gets back. Bisch tells Terri she's booked to 'get some revenge' for Vic de-pantsing her, but Terri tries to beg off wanting nothing to do with Vic because 'she'll tear her apart'.
Yeah. One second after Jazz gets back this is over for Vic, so she better have fun with it. Bisch's TV shows Vic in the ring while Terri is in the office with him, and she starts blathering about the upcoming hardcore rules bout with Stratus. And that she kicked the crud out of Terri because she had the bad luck to be blonde and pretty like Trish while Vic was gunning for her... Hmph. Maybe ten or twelve years ago, but now? Somebody get Vic a prescription plan, mostly because I think Vic might actually be hot wearing specs, and it should help distance her from looking Chyna-Lite version 3-point-oh.. Remember how well that worked for Kat, Vic? Need I say more?
Terri is still trying to pass for hysterically trying to avoid being torn asunder when Bisch finally has enough and asks about her daughter, Dakota. 'She depends on you, right? Well you either get out there and convince Victoria she really doesn't wanna beat you up - or you convince Dakota that Christmas was cancelled this year.'
We go to commercial to give us time to ponder how ruthless and evil Bischoff is for telling Terri to get her head kicked in or seek other employment opportunities...
We come back, and Vic is standing in the ring... Oh, man, do I feel sorry for the fans that sat there live. More than usual, even. Terri decides she can probably convince Victoria that she's not Trish a little easier than convincing her kid that old bikini calenders make a great stew, and sheepishly approaches the ring. Begins IMMEDIATELY smooching Vic's ass about 'being the better woman' and 'already proving it' and Vic seems to be satisfied and allows her to leave. Great, let's see if she's stupid enough to turn her back... She IS. Vic destroys her. Unintention Second Funniest Line of the Night: 'Terri is just getting out-horsed here.' Thanks JR.
Status comes out and makes the save before Vic can do something to Terri with a ladder, and the refs break it all up. Closeup of Vic laughing mirthlessly. That shrill humorless laugh of the deranged, to borrow from Miller.
Yeah. Jazz is gonna let this shit continue... And I hear she LOVES Trish Stratus being the champ... Heh.
More commercials. Including Booker T's Hungry Man XXL spot, which I love.
Quick bit with Flair congratulating Batista for making it to Raw. Dave totally stares at Flair like he's something disgusting he nearly stepped in. I wonder, since Flair is a heel now does giving him zero respect count as a face move? Flair compares Dave to the size of 'the Champ' semi-favorably, which should mean Dave will be jobbing next week to the 2 Nose Krew. Smokey the Bear should be this good putting out fires.
Batista vs. D'Lo for no good reason, and D'Lo does that bobblehead thing he does, almost getting a laugh out of Lillian Garcia. Batista strolls out looking beastly, and hops in the ring for the match. I smell a squash... Bingo! D'Lo is completely destroyed. I mean, Dave Batista abused him like he was an accountant or something. Oops. I guess Dave wanted to finish it fast to avoid getting his neck broke when D'Lo slopped up some return offense. Attaboy, Fiendish. Never let go. Saucy starts gushing abou D'Lo having a football background to make him seem tougher than Dave is making him look, I guess to help Dave get over. "Stop helping me, Saucy," Batista thinks - or is it me? Dave looks pretty strong after the squash, so him jobbing next week to HHH is a fuckin' lock now. Time 1:30.2
More Commercials.
Michaels strolls out to a good pop... Oh, yeah, this should be a great segment. Oops, forgot. I'm sober. He starts in on the Shawn Michaels Belief System... 'Belief in my God, my Family, my Self, and Each and Every One of YOU'. Sweet Jesus, not another smurgle mixing church and ring. Anything but that. I do NOT need another homo preacher in the news...
He also believes in retribution, since he's human and all. Guess he didn't get to the part where it goes: 'Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord' yet. I wonder if that part's covered in My First Bible? Maybe not. Vince, desperate for money, files suit against God for ownership of the Vengeance brand. Vince doubtless hopes God will settle out of court... He just might, but probably not the way Vince hopes.
Michaels blathers about how he's ready and willing to go - except he's not sure what an Elimination Chamber match is... And is one of only six people in the country that give a shit - four of whom will be working it. Talks about the other matches he didn't know about, (well besides the finish)... Ladder. Hell in the Cell. Ironman... (Montreal) But was the first to compete in them... I may look up how he did, but JR said 'He Won' only twice, so I'll go with that.
'HHH, you tried to take my livelihood, and that I cannot forgive.' No? I guess he didn't get to the 'Turn the other cheek' part yet, either... For the record, Mr. Bobo Quite Fiendish has made a serious study of several religions and has read the Bible more than a few times (and it keeps getting funnier - every single time I read it!) so this is especially distasteful to myself. Not 'handful of stroganoff in the casket o' love' distasteful, mind you, but still not exactly making me respect Michaels as a man, a Christian, or a performer... Three strikes. Get out.
Further booyaka about the... (HOLY SHIT!) Michaels professes 'The Word of God says, 'All things are possible to those that believe', and he (not sure which he/He he's speaking of, himself or God) believes he can become the Champ... Y'know, if he's such a God-fearing man, why the FUCK is he on RAW or the WWE? Oh yeah, the forty silver pieces thing... Way to go, Mike. Don't forget the church gets 10% of your check. Must be why you're supposedly building your own church... With DiBiase. And Sting. And Nikita Koloff. And one of the Road Warriors. I'd probably give my left nut to see Bingo Night there with the old Lethal Lottery tumbler, but I digress.
HHH comes out and mocks the 'God said so' spiel, and blasphemes how in THIS arena HE is God. What, just that arena? I thought God was supposed to be everywhere... Guess you're just filling in, since I hear God has more self-respect than to appear on RAW - or if he did go on TV, He'd like to have someone watching. Heh. King follows suit, 'That's right! He's Almighty in the Ring'. I always figured neither of them are on Pete's shortlist; they must agree, and are revelling in it. Don't forget King, it's pretty sparse on teenage girls down there... (Down WHERE?)
Devil: Down HYUH! (crotch choppies)
HHH repeats himself, in case people are just tuning in to the heresy. He approaches the ring and hops in with HBK. They go at it with mucho fisto gusto, er, nacho, and Michaels gets flattened with a clothesline and Pedigreed. HHH does the 'Austin closetalk/badmouth on the downed man', doubtless making at least ONE asshole pucker at his 'heelishness'. In Texas. Heh.
HHH to the outside for the conveniently left behind sledgehammer... Y'know, I've never seen a sledgehammer used putting up an INDOOR ring, so why is there always one there? Arn and Slaughter come out with some refs to drag HHH away while Michaels is still down. Never thought I'd see those two together, and Brother Remus looks more like Arn's brother right this second than Ole EVER did... Father Time Rhinoplasty rules.
More commercials.
Replay of HHH destroying HBK... At least they didn't repeat the 'I am God' yammering. During the break, HBK gets up and returns to the back.
Spike and Bubba Ray Dudley come out, escorted by Jeff Hardy... seems the three of them are in an Elimination Table Match at SS against their opponents tonight. Three Minute Warning comes out next with Rico. What the hell are they re-using Hardy for? They got sixty some-odd guys back there... Sigh. Pretty unspectacular match, ending with that Samoan Drop thing in 2:52.3 with Bubba staring at the lights... Jeff Hardy comes in after the match and tries to do something for no good reason. Rosie, Jamal and Rico destroy him. Spike tries to help. Fails. Both little fellas are eventually draped across a table and Rosie two-fer splashes them through it. Yeah, nothing says dangerous heel team like crushing two dudes that don't even add up to one of your members...
More Commericals.
Big Poppa Pump vignette.
Nowinski. Ah, crap. He's carrying a big book. He starts talking and tells Cincinatti that Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame. But he doesn't mean it, and tells the 'sheep' he manipulated them and that they all belong in the Hall of Fame of Stupidity. Cheap Heat 101.
Snow comes out. They start wrestling, and Snow totally makes Nowinsku look stupid and green, but at the end messes up a High Cross Body that Nowinski rolls through and gets the pin with his legs on the second rope in 1:35.4 in the blown spot of the night. How the referee missed that fuster-cluck is beyond me... Snow pretty much starts in on Nowinski after the match, and gets plonked with the big book. No, it doesn't have a brick or anything in it, it's just a goddamn dictionary. Yeah, that makes Snow look tough. Maven comes out for the save doling out dropkicks... Hey, there's a surprise. Nowinski slinks off and Maven picks up Snow.
More Commercials.
Bischoff comes out and hypes the Super Tuesday thingie, and finally coughs up some details on the Elimination Chamber (A Steel Hell). Two men chosen at random to start, the other four locked into separate chambers that will open at random every five minutes. When a guy is eliminated by pin or submission, he's eliminated. God knows how they'll get him out afterward, but Bischoff is a Big Picture guy, and that's an internet geek detail.
Stevie comes out in an F-View segment, and asks Stacy to help promote him like she does Test... She declines. He wants her to motivate him by smacking him on the ass with a Singapore cane. Test comes in and Stacy lets him do the honors, sending Stevie sprawling. Stacy then puts her ass in the air to get a nice spankie, and Test is about to comply with a bare-hand...
And Randy Orton interrupts the segment with a run-down on his healing process. Just when you thought people couldn't get any more irritating, he puts his face over Stacy Kiebler shaking her ass...
More commercials.
Lugz Boot of the week shows Test destroying Hurricane.
Stacy, Test and Stevie Richards come out. Richards selling the sore tuckus like crazy. Hurricane and Golddust come out, and this should be... interesting... Third Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night, 'Golddust and Hurricane certainly make a colorful couple', drawls J.R.
Hoss actually selling that he doesn't know Ace Reporter Gregory Helms and the Hurricane are the same guy with, 'He looks a lot like that reporter that hangs around here, King.' This is the guy that's supposed to be the top announcer in the biz? Well, his credibility is taking a bigger plunge than WWE stock... Test crushes Hurricane in 2:17.3, and Stevie celebrates by hugging and bouncing around with Stacy.
You'd think he'd have learned about this sort of shit with Beulah... Guess not. Test kicks his skull in, and tells Stevie not to EVER touch one of his Testicles. King says Stacy's one of the prettiest Testicles he's ever seen, and y'know, there's too many ways to go with that, so I'll let you fill in your own punchline.
Booker confronts HHH talking yet again about the 5-time WCW thing and how five guys are gonna be in that cage to take that belt off him... If it was me, I'd be talking about how he's wearing the belt that Flair and Bischoff pulled out of the dumpster. And gave it to him like it's suddenly the only belt that's important these days just to kill Lesnar's heat, but hey, I like Booker so I'll forgive him. This time. This time. This time. This time. This time. HHH replies, taking just under five minutes to build up to flipping Booker off, and just when you figured that Texas sphincter unpuckered. Heh. I wonder how long until HHH shaves his head...? Oh wait, Angle did that already... I guess they're trying to see what trait/mannerism of Austin gets over better without actually rehiring him. So I guess Flair will be popping up with some RicWeisers any day now.
More commercials.
Main EVENT!
HHH takes his usual five minute stroll to the ring. Booker T comes out to a bigger pop and commences to put a series of kicks to the Game. Takes him to the outside and suplexes him on the floor. Flair makes the save and tosses the Book against the steps. Game in control now, and dishes up the High Knee. Gets a two count. More slow ponderous brawling from the game. Chestbreaker. Sets Book on the top and brawls some more. Book fights out and catches Game with a missile dropkick. And the tide has turned again. Booker fights free of a Pedigree attempt and starts getting in full control. Flair tries going to the top and is tossed off in Classic Flair Spot #4. Spinneroonie. HHH eventually gets the Pedigree off and wins in 5:13.9.
Just about the entire lockerroom runs in after the match, Royal Rumble style. Michaels comes out and cleans house, kicking Naitch and HHH. Jericho makes the save. Kane comes out with RVD. Every man for himself style brawling for a couple minutes as a 'tease' to get the buyrate up. Yeah, that'll work. I love this 'your fly is open' booking style... Really. A couple decent spots and Kane looks like he's coming up ahead when he gets SCM from Michaels. Michaels then Pedigrees HHH to look special and hits the music - but Jericho sprawls him from behind with a chairshot to close the show.
I know HHH is supposed to be a heel, but why BOTH a cowardly heel that relies on Flair pitching in AND a monster that dominates? I can hear Homer Simpson the Restaurant Critic screaming, 'No Comeuppance! You hear me? No Comeuppance!' And people wonder why the fans don't care about HHH as a heel, or in general..? Well, we don't ALL wonder, since some of us are considered intelligent, at least we are once you overlook the evidence of us still sitting through this show. Heh.
I'd do the Super Tuesday recap, but I'm working that night... Somebody else should be able to handle a single hour, I would think, though it seems WAY overbooked with all the competitors crammed in. Oh well, you got the RAW recap, so be happy someone sat through it for you.
You're welcome. See you SOON.