Hello, my intended...
Well here we are again, another Monday Night and I ain't got nobody... I got some money 'cause I just got paid... (Slap!) Sorry about that. Well, as it stands the teams are set for Survivor Series on both programs, and it's looking pretty darn crappy. That's not to say that the return to the roots is a bad thing, nor is it to say that the participants are poorly chosen.
Well, actually it is.
They could have teased the 'entries' for this a bit longer, I think. Sure, there's still room for a swerve or two - likely Michaels (a fuckin' lock for the Last Survivor on the Austin Team) turning on Austin to even the score for the Tyson incident. So we have a bunch of guys on both teams which are basically thrown together with very little build or chemistry (barring steroids, of course), and for some reason the WWe isn't throwing much hype behind this, preferring instead to run with the Buried Alive match, the Ambulance Match, and the Goldberg Defense. This seems to point to even THEM knowing that the Survivor Series matches are pretty pointless and generally going nowhere. For instance, who DOESN'T think that Angle and Lesnar are going to be the Last Survivors for THEIR teams? (crickets chirping) See? While it leaves some room for a 'surprise' to be booked, the bottom line seems to be that everyone and their Uncle Elmer knows pretty much who it's gonna be down to, the only REAL question being the order in which the other guys are eliminated. As if that wasn't bad enough, I can foresee a continuous run of tag-matches consisting of the members of these teams in an attempt to build the whole thing up, but that's clearly not working... In fact, it's just boring us by showing us the matchups a bunch of times for free.
What's the point? It's not like these guys are a clear 'stable' as was done before, with every team having something of a commonality in their theme. Nope, this is just 'something to use ten guys on the PPV with', and everyone seems to know it. As I've said, when the outcome isn't in question, it's difficult to generate any interest in said outcome. Next to impossible, even. Take a look at the teams, why don'tcha?
Austin: RVD, BookerT, HBK, The Dudleyz.
Bischoff: Steiner, Christian, Y2J, Mark Henry, Randy Orton.
Angle: Benoit, Bradshaw, Angle, Cena, Hardcore Holly (why?).
Lesnar: Jones, Albert, Big Show, Lesnar, Matt Morgan (who?).
What do these teams have in common? That's right, NOTHING... Okay, maybe if you consider Lesnar's team is a bunch of big goons, but that's only 25% sensible teaming. Good work, fellas. Could this have been decent or interesting? SURE it could have... A few spots of Bischoff or Heyman sending a video missive about how theirs is the superior product on each others show could make a MUCH more interesting rivalry and subsequent set of matches. They could even keep the build for the Bischoff/Austin feud by having Eric say that his team will do better than Austin's for the aforementioned marbles they're wagering. PLUS, it would be an incentive to buy the PPV, since we'd be getting (drumroll) SOMETHING WE HAVEN'T SEEN A MILLION TIMES ALREADY, and WON'T SEE THE NEXT FREE SHOW.
Jesus, people, it's THAT EASY. Wake UP!
That aside, let's see if it's going to be another tragically lackluster show tonight in some clubfooted run to Survivor Series... Sigh. Remember when they could make you WANT to see this stuff? Me too. The eighties were great, huh? Yeah... Standard intro, cookie cutter stuff with the Boos and Cheers we've traipsed through enough, I think... Tonight's show will be broadcast from Boston, and we have Saucy McSooner and Skeevy the Pedo shilling the shit out of the Goldberg versus Batista match, and Orton versus Michaels... Wonder who jerks the curtain tonight? Lita?
Oh, wait, she's got a microphone...
Lita starts congratulating herself on making it back from her injury, and then promises to become the next women's champ. Interruption by Triple H and the Revolution Mob. Holy shit, I never thought I'd be glad to see Helmsley, but if it shuts up Lita... Play the Game! HHH comes out and gives the hairy eyeball to Lita and she returns it as Evolution circles the ring from the apron. Levesque climbs the corners and soaks up the sheep pop. Lita then asks if she can help them, and HHH says 'Sure, Randy gimme a dollar'. He tells her to either dance for the dollar or hit the bricks. She leaves.
They then roll the footage with Batista putting Goldberg's ankle in the chair and stuff like we haven't seen it already, and puts over Batista somewhat. Sheesh, the PPV's this Sunday? HHH challenges the fans to chant for Goldberg, and says the guy has more guts than brains and is the one-legged man in an asskicking contest, but that HHH wrote the book on kicking ass. Glass breaks, and here comes Austin... Corner-Birdy spots while Dave and Evolution dole out the scowlies. Austin grabs the mic and looks askance at Evolution, but says while he was nice enough to let them come out, like they told Lita they should take a hike. HHH asks if Austin's trying to give them a last Austin-HHH moment before he's out, and then Orton says as part of the LegendKiller thing he'll be able to kill the Legend of StoneCold. Austin asks if HHH is planning to work tonight, but HHH says nah. Austin tells him to scram, but HHH says he won't, and what'll he do about it? Dave says "Nothing, since Austin's a coward". Austin calls security to eject HHH, and about twenty guys come out to make the ejection. They look pretty old and paunchy, but the numbers are against Evolution, and HHH says he'll leave, but not because Austin said so, because he wants to. He then tells the security if they touch him, he'll sue.
Great. Way to look like a nancy-ass bitch, there, Levesque... Bravo.
Quick backstage segment with the Raw Survivor Series Teams jawing at each other, but nothing much comes of it. Well, maybe a tagmatch or two tonight...
RVD comes out to jerk the curtain action-wise, and it'll be for the IC strap, too. Christian has a more 'bland' opening thing now, and he'll be the opponent. Sigh. Has it really been six weeks since RVD beat this pud? They cmeet in the center of the ring for some brawling, and RVD tosses Christ into the corner for the monkeyflip, but Christian tosses him out. RVD back on the apron tosses Chris out to the floor, and then crotches him on the barrier for that ugly twisting legdrop. Back to the ring, and Christian lays that DDT that RVD can no-hands headstand with, and then puts a foor on the back of his head. Couple of twocounts for Christian... Neckbreaker on RVD, followed by a blatant choke and then Christian does the 'thumb thing' to mock RObbie.. Snapmare to chinlock, Chris in the driverseat. RVD calling on the fans, and they start to get behind him so he powers up and elbows out. He starts brawling Christ, but Chris throws him into the corner.. Follows him in, but gets spinkicked. Whip to the opposite side, and RVD jumps onto the corner, but Chris lays out to dodge a highspot and gets hit with a Split-Legged Moonsault. RVD then goes to a regular Moonsault, and gets two. RVD charges in and gets kicked in the junk which the referee misses. Christian then pulls up Lillian at ringside and shoves her down to grab the chair and the belt. The ref grabs the belt, but not the chair. RVD takes Chris down with a sweep, then goes to the Five Star for the win.
Shane's at some bar, and requests a table for two... Wonder who he's meeting... (Duh)
Commercials. Including Cena rapping about Y2Stinger. He's not bad given time to write something...
Next up... Coach. Sigh. He's wearing a Yankee jersey, which I guess makes him a heel in Boston, eh? Blah. Seems Bischoff sent him out to do something, and he talks to Lillian and says that for her safety he will replace her as ring announcer... So she should get ta steppin' so he kin handu hiz bidness. Swear to God, that's how he said it. Garcia seems confused, but she indeed gets to steppin'. Next out is La Resistance, and they make with the Enchante' with Lillian as they pass on the ramp. Seems on Heat LR got beat stupider by Hurricane and Rosey... Heh. Coachman calls them 'supposed superheroes', and LR charges them on the ramp. Rosey lays out the French team with a double lariat, and they get up in time for a double crossbody from Helms. Rosey with some brawling, but gets taken down by a Dropkick to the knee, and then Dupree tags in Conway, who stomps all in the leg of Rosey. Tag back to Dupree, who kicks some more into the leg of Rosey on the mat, then he does that Riverdance thing. Throws Dupree to the corner, reversal, Samoan Drop from Rosey. Tag to Conway, HotTag to Hurricane, who cleans house. Conway throws him to the corner, and Dupree nails him one after he backs Conway up with a European Uppercut. Conway hits a neckbreaker, and gets the win...
Terri is talking to Lita, and she's scared about not being a wrestler - yet in a tagmatch against Molly and Kim. Lita tells them that she'll handle the wrestling part (Must... Not... LAUGH...), and all they can do is their best. Boy, she's terrible as an actress. Terrible. Eric comes out to save this waste of tape (which says plenty for how well it was going, dudnit?) and tells Terri to hit the bricks so he can have private time with Lita... He reminds her that seven months back he fired her, and Austin rehired her - so when Austin's out, she better learn to 'play ball' if she plans to stay there... Sigh. Sexual harrassment skits are great, aren't they? No, clearly not.
Cut back to Jericho peptalking Team Bischoff as only he can. It's a crash course on why they hate Austin, and Orton comes in late... He then says he'll show them all how it's done tonight with Michaels, which is SO wrong on SO many levels, and you can see it all over the faces of Team Bischoff who look like they want to see to it Orton isn't exactly the Last Survivor on their team... Like he's going to be, right? Then we go to Val sneaking in some chicks for a surprise to Lance - and he brings them to the showers as Lance comes out. Naked. The chicks react as though the guy's cock is dragging the floor, as Venis says they'll have some big fun tonight. One of them says it's not the only thing that's big, so this looks like it's going downhill. Cut to Shane sitting at a table in the bar, looking at the menu...
Lita coming out with Terri, who's in a denim dress and heels... For wrestling? Sure, why not? The even show the replay from last week, and I think it might be the same dress she had on last week... Next out Kim and Molly, who grab Terri and drag her to the center of the ring for some beatdown. Kim with a Sidewalk Slam and then drags Terri to the heel corner for a tag to Milly. Molly with a headlock, then a fling to the mat. THen a chinlock, then a snap suplex, then a fish-hook on her face. Molly tries to bang her into the buckle, but she blocks and gives one to Milly instead. Tag to Lita, and she cleans house. Molly shoves Lita through the second rope and Kim nails her with a kick to the skimmer, and Lita gets pinned with a rope-assisted schoolboy from Molly. Then Kim and Molly tear off Terri's dress to show her tiger-stripe thong and then double Irish Whip her into the barrier... I'm not supposed to boo this, am I? Pshaw.
Evolution's Randy Orton heading to the ring now for his match with Michaels... The crowd is DEAD SILENT. Heh. Next up is HBK, to a lukewarm pop. The kid Legend Killed the crowd, there... Orton looks ready to go, but HBK has to remove his beaded cgaps. Ortn with a headlock, HBK Irish whips out. Shouldberblaock knocks over HBK. Twice. Dropkick onto the Kid. Some brawling. Then a throw to the corner for some brawlies... HBK trying to fight back and they go toe to toe... Michaels switches off and puts Orton in the corner for some chops and then a Back Body Drop. HBK strikes up the band, and Orton bails. THey chase around the ring, and Orton is knocked down with a right. Gets two. HBK with a crucifix for a pinning predicament, gets another two. HBK comes off the ropes, but Orton tosses him over the top. Orton on the outside now, and shoves HBK backfirst into the side of the ring, then decks him and rolls him back in. Orton off the rope with a dropping punch on the semi-prone HBK, and he continues brawling HBK to little pieces. HBK tries to fight back, but gets a Backdrop Suplex. Orton with a Reverse Chinlock, but the crowd carges up HBK to break knee and chop away. HBK turning the tide with a Manhattan Drop and a Backdrop. Tries another one, but gets shoves into Hebner, who is destroyed. Orton nails that Hangman's Backbreaker thing, and then he gets a chair from Coach. Sets it up, and tries to Pendulum Backbreaker Michaels onto it, but Michaels flows out and nails Orton onto it instead. Strike up the Band, then a win via Superkick. Team Austin is 2 for 2 tonight... I smell a loss at Survivor Series, how about you?
Shane's eating dinner, and then looks up at Kane. He was wondering if Kane would show, but Kane grins and says he always keeps his promises... Why do I think these two will elope? Oh, right, because this is GAY.
Shane wants Kane to spend the next six days to think about what they're going to do to each other, and that he's past his breaking point. He will do anything, and without any remorse or human emotion. Kane asked how his mom is, and walks him through the whole thing with the Linda-Tombstone again. He says he did that thing with the battery on his testicles to make sure Shane didn't breed. He then says that while Shane is NOW without remorse or human emotion, he (Kane) was BORN that way, and for all Shane's guts and bravado he can't stop a Monster of Pure Evil. I roll my eyes as Shane goes pop-psyche on him and says Kane's a monster because he's simply scared of living in the world. And that his brother knows it, too... I wish Kane would say, "Dude, Undertaker's NOT MY BROTHER. Everyone knows it, so knock it off." It doesn't happen, but oh, how cool it would have been if it did. Shane just pays the check and tells Kane he'll see him Sunday.
Commercials. God, that was a sad thing to put between commercial breaks, wasn't it? Yep.
Next up, the Dudley Boyz will probably fight a couple other guys from Team Bischoff in a non-title deal. Steiner comes out dragging Stacy behind him, and Mark Henry is the other guy. Thus, Teddy will get a chance to be hit with a chair from Stacy or something similarly stupid. Sigh. Ross says that when Henry was ten years old he weighed 220... I believe him. DVon and Steiner to start, and DVon is talking crap. Steiner flexes the guns, and then they lock up. Steiner with a quick knee to the midsection of DVon, and then an Overhead Release Belly to Belly sends DVon into the corner for a beating. Steiner's punches are much better lately. Steiner sends him to the ropes for a clothesline, but D ducks and hits a flying lariat from the far side. Steiner bails to the floor, but Bubba tosses him back in after a punch to the head. Jindrak and Cade watch on the monitor in the back as Steiner tags in Henry. Brawling on Henry ineffective, so DVon goes to the ropes and gets the Polish Hammer. Then D is tossed to the ropes for a shoulderblock. Henry tries an elbow drop but Dvon rolls away and makes the hot tag to BUbba. Bubba locks up, but gets shoved down by superior strength. Henry is making with the Papabear Beatdown and then flings Bubba into the corner and follows up with a Stomp. Irish whip and Herny tries a back body drop but gets kicked. Tag to Dvon. Tag to Steiner. Belly to Belly. Steinerline. ElbowKiss Drop to Pushup Spot. Steiner puts the badmouth on Bubba, giving DVon enough time to try a schoolboy for two. Steiner carries DVon to the corner and sets him on the top turnbuckle for a belly to belly attempt, but DVon shoves him off and nails a diving headbutt on Poppa Pump's shoulder. Tag to Bubba. Clothesline sends BPP down again. Bubba knocks Henry off the apron, and then Sidewalk Slams Steiner to get two. Bubba Bomb has Henry to the rescue, and all four men are in there now. It takes a bunch of clotheslines to knock Hnry over after DVon throws Steiner out of the ring, and they decide to try a 3D on Henry. I'd like to see that, myself, but Steiner comes back in with a chair and beats DVon with it for the DQ. Steiner then continues to beat both Dudleyz after Henry hits that Avalance Front Slam on DVon, but the referee won't count because they're already DQed. Team Austin is 3 for 3 now...
Cut to Stone Cold in the back, and Bischoff is taunting how ironic it is that he's got to trust these five guys with his fate. This all but guarantees there's a swerve in the works... Christ, people, you're tipping us off. Less is more.
They show the New England Patriots at ringside, and then some chick comes up and gives Y2J a water. Jericho is sorta miffed about it taking 15 minutes, and he rants at the delivery chick... Trish is behind him, and says it wasn't cool to be all rammy at the poor kid. Jericho explains that he's just nervous about the big thing at Survivor Series, and then he asks Trish on a date after the show. She accepts. Crikey, that's unbelievable... They're actually running with this whole 'unlikely romance' thing. Wow. Jericho to face Booker T tonight to complete the collection...
Shilling of Survivor Series, and then we go to Booker reading a big book called WWE Unscripted. John Heidenreich says he'd like toget that for Little Johnny for Christmas, and Booker says he'll probably get it for his nephews and neices. Then John says there was a note on the door, and gives it to Booker. It says 'I Still Remember', and Booker throws it aside and asks if it's a joke. Heidenreich has no idea, but wishes Booker luck tonight.
Heh. I still remember too.
Booker comes out first, and Lawler's giving us a nudge about Booker's right to remain silent. Then here comes Jericho... It's 10:46, which means that if this match is going to be more than five minutes I'll be surprised. Coach introduces Jericho and Ross says he sounds like Benny Hinn. Like hell, he does. Booker starts off forcing Jericho to the corner. Clean break. Y2J with a full armdrag and twist before he sends Booker to the ropes. Book reverses and takes Jericho over with a hiptoss. Booker follows up with a Jumping Sidekick attempt, but Jericho ducks and Booker crotches himself on the top rope. Jericho with a chinlock, but Booker elbows free and sends Y2J to the corner for a lariat and some forearms. Another Irish Whip and Booker hits Jericho with a clothesline for two. Jericho ducks a spinkick and hits a Sleeperhold to Bulldog. Booker's pretty much kicking the crap out of Jericho. Jericho ducks a scissor kick and tries for the Walls, but Booker shakes loose. Jericho with a Facebuster, and tries to follow up with a Lionsault. Booker dodges, but Jericho lands on his feet. Booker thrown to the corner, and Jericho follows him in and gets pinned in a majispral cradle. Jericho takes the loss badly, and beats on Booker and puts him in the Walls. Team Bischoff comes out and stomps on Booker while he's helpless, but Austin's team comes out and cleans house. Coach tries to announce Jericho as the winner by DQ, and Team Austin destroys him with a 3D.
Commercials. A stupid movie starring Tom Cruise and what looks like that chick from Karate Kid 2... Wow, fifteen years is a long time between gigs, huh, sweetheart?
Batista comes out after Saucy and Skeevy shill that book that Booker had in the locker (On Sale Tomorrow). Lita has a tattoo on her lip that says 'Spiffy Was Here'. Just kidding. It says 'Punk', which I suppose means she got it AFTER hooking up with Matt. Next up is Goldberg, 'noticably limping' ON THE WRONG LEG. He gives up, and just walks kinda normal for a bit. Pyro and whatnot, then he rolls into the ring and Batista charges. Brawling back and forth, and Goldberg still has the belt on. Overhead Slam on Batista, followed by a clothesline out of the ring. Batista yanks Goldberg's down from the floor, and works over his leg on the side of the ring and then the ring post. Goldberg in trouble, and Batista continues working the leg. Dave props Bill up in the corner, and Bill tries to punch free but gets dragged out of the corner for a Spinebuster. Dave tries to set up for the powerbomb, but Goldberg whips him over in a back body drop. Dave shoves Bill into the corner and charges in to capitalize, but Bill rolls aside and hits the Spear after Batista slams into the buckles. Then HHH comes out as Bill sets up for the Jackhammer and lowbridges him. DQ. Pedigree on Bill. Triple H then puts Goldberg's leg in a chair and then gets a sledgehammer to finish the job that he paid Batista for doing, but Bill gives him a lowblow and takes the hammer. Dave charges in to save the Game, and gets hit in the 'lower abdomen' with the sledgehammer. Evolution chooses the better part of valor and Goldberg stands tall in the ring as we wrap it up. Roll credits.
Well, folks it was their last chance to make me give a crap enough to pay money to see the PPV... They have failed.
You're welcome. See you SOON.