Down the Tubes
Originally Posted 10-27-03

Hello, my intended...

Well, here we are again for another night of 'entertainment' as only a vast organization that is the WWe can provide. Thrilling stuff, no doubt. I bet you can hardly wait to see the PPV, right? Me neither. Either Goldberg is the champ or Michaels is, and I don't care - except that neither of them is Levesque. That's kinda cool... Kinda. Sure, it's only a matter of time before the guy wraps up that movie thing and comes back to take 'his' title - so I might as well enjoy the lack of 20 minute rants on being 'that damn good' and similar insomnia cures.

I'll tell you one thing, though: I'm gonna be in line to see Blade 3. My personal opinion is that they'll have him as some five-minute henchman spot that they'll be able to fit in its entirety between the Slam of the Week and the Wrestlemania commercial. Now, that's not a bad thing mind you... Hulk Hogan took a three minute cameo and turned into the biggest thing in wrestling. Sadly, Levesque doesn't have the charisma of Bollea - or even Johnson. I'm sure he's thinking that he'll be headlining his next movie, but that's not going to happen. He's not going to be the guy to bring wrestling 'back' because he's not able to TRANSCEND wrestling like those guys do. Whether he likes it or not, he'll never be bigger than wrestling. Not ever.

I think he knows it too. Why else marry STEPHIE?

So, logically, the next best thing is to be 'integral' to the wrestling product - yet he fails even that. It is Steve Austin that is 'integral' to the wrestling product. Howso? Every angle on Raw, and throughout most of the WWe is tracable to having been set in motion by Austin. Kane being an out of control monster? Vince McMahon being the boss from hell? Jim Ross and Coachman feud? Stephanie running 'the competition'? The Big Show being a waste of flesh? Jericho and the mob 'fighting the power'? Test 'owning' Steiner and Stacy? Goldberg's head having a price on it? Lance Storm growing a personality? The Hurricane being a 'superhero'? The list goes on in a manner that would even make Kevin Bacon blush...

You might want to argue me on the Goldberg thing, but let's think about it first. Evolution wouldn't even exist if Austin hadn't 'taken his ball and went home' instead of just accepting the 'Flair as his valet' angle. Austin doing that put Flair in 'creative limbo' - possibly/theoretically so that they'd fire Flair, whom Austin has said several timnes that he 'shoot' hated for holding him down in WCW and saying 'he would never rise above mid-cards status'. So, to get something for the money Flair was making the company put him with Helmsley and a few other people that weren't too hot on the stick in an Arn Anderson type role. Thus, Austin made Evolution - and everything Evolution does is because of him; which would include the bounty on Goldberg's dome. The only persons they have even REMOTELY near Austin's level of permeation is Angle and Rock - both of whom, let's not forget, were major rivals of Austin's for quite some time before branching out into their own things...

Oh well. I've been a little busy this week, so there's not gonna be a big lead-up to the recap thing. I'd say I was sorry, but whaddaya want for nothin' - rubber biscuits? Bottom line, kids. I hate Austin. Wrestling sucks, and since so much of it sucking is linkable to the Bionic Redneck, I'm absolutely amazed ANYONE likes him - let alone as many as pop the ceiling off when he hobbles out. But I digress...

Tonight's RAW is coming to us live from Fayetteville, North Carolina. Standard intro sequence, but we have a new picture for Bischoff more 'Austin sized'. And we start with Helmsley talking about the dough, and some clips with Michaels and Goldberg leading up to the anklebreaking thing... Standard intro sequence. Saucy and Skeevy start wondering about a steel cage hanging over the ring, and that they have no idea why... Evolution (minus HHH) comes out to a Flair-based homestate pop... Saucy puts over Batista like someone has a gun to his head. Flar has the mic... He tells us if anyone's here for Goldberg, they wasted their money, and puts over Batista as the guy tht got it done. Then he gives Batista the mic...


Batista says Goldberg shouldn't think of his beatdown as a negative - since it was really an honor that Triple H was impressed enough to have him taken out - and as good as Bill is, Dave is THAT much better. Dave also takes credit for the boxdrop and the drivethru as mindgames to make him paranoid... Now Orton has the mic and says it's time for them to go back to business, and they muse about what to do about the title - and that it should defeat to the previous champion (guess who... go on....). Then Bischoff walks out, carrying something wrapped in black cloth. He scolds Evolution for fucking up the money ticket, but then swerves and says that them fucking up Goldberg made him the happiest man on the planet. He's also still holding a grudge for being Speared that time, and in short 'Screw Bill Goldberg - and screw all of you fans...' Hell with the 30-day rule, he says. No shit, how long did Helmsley go between defenses, right? Then reminds us that he's the GM... Then tells Bill to watch closely, and pulls out the strap to present it to someone who deserves it.

Then Austin comes out. Pops follow. Evolution doesn't touch him as he does his standard corner-birdy spot... Austin says Bischoff left something in the bag, and he reaches in - and flips the bird. He says Eric can't strip Goldberg of the title, because the guy's coming back. For revenge. At Survivor Series... Against Triple H... For the title...


Flair loses it, selling how Goldberg could get fucked up for life wrestling Triple H injured... Austin tells him not to blow his Pacemaker, since if Bill's not 100%, it'll be a short night for Triple H... Austin marches off, but Batista comes after and asks if Austin wants some physical provocation. Then Dave says, "Like Bill says, 'You're next'." But then Jindrak and Cade (who?) punk out Flair and Orton in the ring while it's 2-on-2. Also, Shane's gonna fight a mystery opponent in a No Holds Barred match. Gee, I wonder who they'll bring out for THAT one, huh?


Backstage, Trish and Lita are palling around. Trish is getting messages from Jericho, and Lita muses that since she 'knows' Christian andf Jericho that they're probably up to something, and she'll go find out what she can... Trish replies that yes, she should go find something out... Jesus, that was some stilted acting.

Booker T versus Rico, and Rico starts out the match with a series of kicks leading up to a reverse chinlock. Jackie pounds the mat, and Booker powers up and elbows free, but gets a forearm and an Irish Whip -but Rico eats a clothesline... Harlem Side Kick. TRries to Scissors Kick, Rico dodges. Rico tries a Spinkick, Booker ducks. Booker tries for the Bookend, Rico elbows free. Toe-kick into Rico's belly, and then Booker hits the scissor this time, and gets the win. Booker tries to celebrate, and here comes Jericho to ask him how he could be so STUPID to join Austin. Oh, another guy is on the Bischoff Team - Christian... Yeah, THAT will make Austin piss in his boots. Must... Not... Laugh... Jericho calls for them to lower the cage as the three Bischoff guys work over Booker... RVD jumps under with a chair and chases Team Eric away - then puts himself on Team Austin. Uhhhh... What? I guess that screwing up your memory side-effect is plaguing RVD, but come on folks... RVD has NO reason to align with someone that has publically attempted to humiliate him since the InVasion. Make some sense, people! Come on! NEITHER guy on EITHER team has ANY reason to align with whom they have, in fact quite the opposite.


Jericho's in the back pissing his pants about RVD going to Austin's side, and says they're gonna send a message to Austin by giving Jericho an IC shot. Eric agrees, and Jericho leaves him to worry about them only having a 3-2 numbers advantage thing now.

Next up, Mark Henry and Teddy are in the ring pissed that they got kicked out the arena by Austin before they could finish the job on Goldberg - costing them the dough that was later awarded to Whiteboy Batista... They call for a whiteboy to be fed to Henry, and they send out Lance Storm. Henry puts the ol' Papabear Beatdown all over Storm before Storm battles back long enough to miss a Missile Dropkick and then get thrown out of the ring. Then Shawn Michaels comes in from the otherside and Superkicks Henry flat to give Henry the DQ win. That was pretty pointless, huh?


Hurricane comes out and meets Johnny Whatsisface who will get his tryout in a tagteam match with himself. Rosey comes out in his secret ID as a photographer, and asks for a picture with the two of them. Hurricane muses that it's too bad Whatsisface's son 'Little Johnny' couldn't be there for the picture... Whatsisface tells Hurricane that Little Johnny isn't his son, and whispers to him who he is. Hurricane's jaw drops, and they get the picture taken. Whatsisface leaves, and Hurricane says 'They think I'M crazy for wearing a CAPE? THAT guy is off his ROCKER!' Lita confronts Christian about trying to one-up Jericho by saving her last week, but Christian shows her the pic of them holding hands in her book and says, 'Why keep fighting it?'. Lita blows him... off (Heh) and scrams. Coach asks Shane about his mystery partner, and Shane says he hopes it's Kane.


Heidenreich and Hurricane come out... They'll face La Resistance, I guess. Who else is there...? And I'm right. Like it matters. There's a bunch of shots of the assembled Armed Forces in the audience shouting USA as the French guys come out. Hurricane to start it, and Conway levels him. Hurricane battles back with a Backslide Neckbreaker (NICE) and knocks Dupree one on the outside with a somersault plancha. He gets tossed back in for an UGLY neckbreaker suspended from the toprope by Conway. Dupree tagged in after some two on one in the heel corner, and he hits a snapmare followed with a dropkick to the back of the head. Then a clothesline, and a flying fist drop. Two twocounts. Dupree capers about, and then drops an elbow for another two. Tag in Conway, and Hurricane tries to brawl out, but gets a thumb to the eye and whipped chestfirst into the corner... Dragged back in a front chancery to Heelville, and Conway tags in Dupree with a hearty 'USA my ASS'.. Dupree with a snapmare, Hurricane responds with a Hurri-Chokeslam attempt, but fails. Hurricane tosse to the ropes, and hits a DDT on Dupree. Both crawl to their corners... Conway tagged in, and a hot tag to Whatsisname. Johnny dishes out a couple Back Body Drops to each of LR, then a Sidewalk Slam to Conway. Then he does a combination Choke/Powerslam thing for the win. The heroes go get congratulated by the Army and return to the ring, where Dupree tries to hit them with the flag, and he gets his own little JohnnySlam...


Next up, the No-DQ Match. Shane comes out first, since the opponent is a surprise... It's Test. Yeah, that's surprising, since his foot's broke and he can't wrestle. Then again, he beat Steiner that time by faking an injury... Who knows? Who cares? Test gets a mic, and says he's not the opponent, but just there to introduce him... It's Test. Broken foot and all... Shane chases him out the ring with some brawlies, and makes like he'll do some stupid highspot, but Test uses Stacy as a shield to stop him... Test is desperately calling for someone in the back to come out, allegedly Kane. Shane beats on Test a little more, but gets tossed into the steel steps and then choked on between Test desperately calling Kane to come out, since 'they had a deal'. Shane goes back into the ring, and they battle some more. Shane tries a right cross, but Test ducks and hits Shane with the Full Nelson Slam. Test bails to the outside and thrown in a couple trashcans before picking up his crutch. Test is STILL calling for Kane, and makes to smash Shane with another crutch, but Stacy stops that and Shane starts bashing Test with a trashcan. Test is down in the corner, and I guess we're gonna do the crosscorner Missile Trashcan spot, but Kane's pyro goes off... Shane's looking around for Kane, and Test hits him with a crutch in the confusion for a twocount... Test tries for the Pumphandle Slam, but Shane reverses it into a DDT onto a trashcan. Test's back in the corner, and Shane wedges the trashcan in place before climbing the corner... Coast to Coast Can Crash, and Shane gets the three-count for the win as Stacy smiles in approval. Shane gets the mic and asks for Kane to come out, since he knows it was a setup...

Must've read the script, huh?

He makes certain challenges to Kane's bravery and contnues to demand Kane show his face, but there's no Kane. Ross admits that 'this has got him buffaloed'. Shane then decides to send a message, and drags Test outside and puts his broke foot on the steel steps and hits it with a chair. THEN Kane comes out... about ten steps. Shane jumps into the ring and tells Kane to come on, but Kane refuses. Shane says he can see the fear in Kane's eyes, since Kane knows Shane is the ONE MAN who can get as sick and twisted as Kane, and assures us that when they do get it on one of them's going to the hospital. That is correct. Survivor Series will have a Shane/Kane Ambulance Match. Goody... Do I have to tell you how completely indifferent the crowd was to this waste of ten minutes? Didn't think so.

Commercials. Namco's Kill Switch looks like a fun game, so I might buy it for the X-Box...

Fatal Four Way Match to determine the #1 Contender for Molly's WC... Trish, Victoria, Lita, and Kim. Yep, that IS everybody else... Cookie for you. Absolute bedlam ensues... Molly comes out to scout things. Stevie helps Vic destroy Trish and Lita is destroying both heels solo... Vic gets off the Peak, but Kim makes the save. Vic is not happy, and beats Kim stupid. Kim bails, and Stevie tries to hold Lita still so Vic can smash her, but Lita ducks. Vic cancels Stevie Night Heat, and then gets the Twist of Fate. Survivor Series will now have Molly versus Lita... I don't like it either, but the chick division is the only part of Raw that's worth watching lately - since it's the only part that's booked even SEMI-sensibly. Five chicks fighting for one strap... It's actually done pretty well, but Trish is probably kinda sad they're putting Lita on the fast track and her on the back burner. Maybe Trish should do a Playboy...? It's worked before, right?

Oh, and backstage Coach is getting make-up for his big review of Stone Cold's latest book 'The Stone Cold Truth'... I guess he'll tell us Debra physically provoked him, huh?


Apparently, someone's read some of the angry vitriol about there being no proper send-off montage thing for the dead Road Warrior Hawk, so they throw you weeping LOD spazzes a bone. Choke on it.

Coach comes out to a podium at the top of the ramp with 'Coach's Book Review' written on it. Coach says it contains hundreds and hundreds of lies. Who's surprised? (crickets chirping) The bit is pretty much going nowhere, and Austin comes out to ask Coach if he has a problem. Coach says yes, since it's Austin's fault that he's not the Lead Announcer. Austin offers him the standard 'Provoke Me' deal, but Coach won't bite. Coach turns the tables, and offers HIS chin to Austin. Austin replies that when his team wins at SS and he can beat up the talent all he likes again, he wants Coach to do the post-match interview... So he can beat Coach up. Sigh.

Cade and Jindrak are squabbling, but Shawn Michaels puts over how cool it was they stole that cash - no matter how it worked out. He tells them they can either make friends - or an impact. They scoot off, possibly to make an impact. Teddy Long comes out all mad about getting tossed out and makes a match with Michaels and Henry. Then Bischoff comes out and says since Austin can have people tossed out, so can he - and Michaels is the new fish. Michaels leaves without incident.


Ross takes a minute to suck up to those of us watching at home for making RAW the #1 rated cable show last week. Not sure if it's accurate, myself. But I'm all for good ratings when Triple H isn't the champ, so I hope the Sooner Pud is right for once. Jindrak and O'Haire come out... Oops, I mean Jindrak and Cade. I guess they'll fight Evolution, huh? Yep. Batista is the manager type, and Flair and Orton will be taking the match... WHy not have Flair on the outside? Oh, right... North Carolina. Orton and Jindrak start it off, and Maven comes out to even the odds... Back and forth brawlies. Cade tagged in, and he knocks Orton down with a clothesline. Orton retaliates with a clothesline, then stomps all over Cade. Flair tagged in. Whoo-Chops. Punches to the forehead. Kneedrop. Tag to Orton. Dropkick to Cade gets Orton a twocount. Orton with a European Uppercut, and he tries for a Back Body Drop, but gets kicked. They go to the opposite corners, and hit each other with simultaneous clotheslines. Both fresh guys tagged in, and Jindrak is a house of fire. Confusion all around, and Flair goes for the rollup with the tights, but Maven comes in and clotheslines him to allow Cade to roll through and get the win. Evolution thrashes them three-on-three in a show of poor sportmanship... Ross muses that Batista might very well be the future of Raw. Take a moment for a good shudder, you deserve it. Me? All I can think of is laundry, for some reason...


Ten forty-seven, and here comes Jericho down the ramp... Ross again thanks us folks at home for tuning in. RVD comes out, and gets into the ring. The bell rings at Ten fifty. They circle each other, and Jericho starts off with a bunch of kicks and punches. RVD pushed into the corner, and then thrown to the other, but he counters with a crossbody... RVD tries a sweep, but Jericho hops it and hits an enzuigiri... Jericho with a sderies of elbowdrops before clamping on a surfboard. RVD gets up and elbows free, but is thrown to the corner so he can leap aside and let Jericho shoulderblock the ringpost. RVD with the stepover kick and some shoulderblocks of his own. RVD with a Northen Lights Suplex, gets two. Jericho goes for a Lionsault, RVD rolls out of the way. RVD with a Fivestar Frogsplash, Jericho dodges. Rob puts a waistlock on Jericho, who pushes Hebner back so he can hit the champ with a backkick into the balls. Jericho quickly applies the Walls, and Eric runs out to distract Hebner as RVD crawls to the ropes. He keeps Hebner busy long enough for Jericho to drag RVD out of the ropes, and RVD taps.

Wow, Chris really IS trying to be Shawn Michaels, huh?

Austin comes out and says he can't reverse the decision, but he can make Jericho's first defense... NOW. In the cage, against RVD. He also makes everyone banned from ringside, including GMs. Eric tries to hem and haw, but touches Austin as he pleads his case. Austin chases him away, since he's been physically provoked and all...


Back to the match in the cage already in progress, and Jericho is stomping all over RVD's back. RVD battling back and he throws Jericho to the ropes - but Y2J hangs on and RVD dropkicks the air. Jericho with a Sideslam Backbreaker, and he holds RVD on his knee to work the 'injured back'. RVD punching, and tries to get a backdrop off but gets kicked. Jericho comes off the ropes the capitalize, but gets pancaked into the gate. RVD bouncing Chris against all four cagewalls, and then traps Jericho on the apron and works him over. RVD climbing the cage, and Jericho grabs his foot and hauls him down. RVD with a leaping thrust kick sandwiches Jerichos head between his boot and the chainlink.. RVD climbing up again, but is yanked back down. Jericho tries the Lionsault, and RVD dodges - but Jericho landed on his feet. VanDam tries a catapult to the corner, but Jericho scampers up the buckles and almost gets clear. RVD hauls him back by his hair. Jericho with a couple shots and he tries to get free again, but is again yanked back down. Jericho in bad shape, and RVD takes the opportunity... Jericho tries for the door as RVD is climbing down the outside, but Robbie kicks the door into his face and gets the strap back. Christian and Steiner run out and start beating RVD to little pieces, but the Dudleys come out to make the save... Then Henry and Long come out, and Mark comes in as Teddy locks and chains the door closed behind him. They work the good guys over something fierce, and Booker T runs up and climbs to the top of the cage - hitting Steiner, Christian and Mark Henry with a triplex flying crossbody. Bedlam ensues, but the numbers favor the heels and they eventually win out tonight. We have the visage of Jericho smiling under the crimson mask to take it home...

This was a pretty haphazard RAW. They're pretty much trying to pull out all the stops to get us into the Survivor Series, but I think they could do some more build for the teams since it's still three weeks off. The Dudleyz? Gimme a break. As it stands, it's four and four. I can only PRAY they make a decent final pick for these teams, but I'm thinking Michaels for Austin's group. It was a very nice double main event, but I'm not too thrilled with the fustercluck deal at the end.

Oh well. There's your recap, kids...

You're welcome. See you SOON.