Hello, my intended...
Well, first things first... I went to see 'Kill Bill' yesterday. I liked it. I normally don't go see movies in actual theaters anymore, but I decided to make an exception for Tarantino's return from the six years or so he's been 'out'. I'm glad I did. If you haven't seen this movie let me just say, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" This brings me to a side point: When Tarantino 'exiled' himself after that little imbroglio with everyone's favorite director/activist/attention whore Spike Lee (who was offended in a Jesse Jackson way that a white writer/director would use the 'N' word in a movie starring Samuel Jackson and Pam Grier) I knew when he strode back on the scene it would be worth the wait. This is something I wish they could do in wrestling... Build, tease, and then DELIVER THE GODDAMNED GOODS. Tarantino did what George Lucas FAILED to do... He came back and gave the fans what they were fans for him giving them in the first place. Not 'everyone' can 'get' a Tarantino flick - and that's why they're cool. If you want a film for 'everyone', call up Uncle Walt. Dumbasses.
It's that sort of 'inclusion' that's been missing from wrestling for some time. You know why fans are tuning out, Vince? Because you build us up, and then don't deliver the goods. You don't 'include' us anymore. You no longer say, "This might not be everyone's cup of tea, but let us show you why YOU like it." I remember the whole big statement you put out about the new 'attitude era'. Do you? "In the age of sports entertainment, the World Wrestling Federation refuses to insult it's audience..." Ring any bells? So, why the hell are you doing the exact opposite of your stated intention - and more importantly being CONFUSED as to why people are saying 'to hell with this shit'? Wrestling is similarly 'not for everybody' - it's for wrestling fans. Wrestling fans are people, too, don't forget. As another hint, most people don't like to be insulted. Write it down, so you don't forget later.
Take for example the whole 'people like Booker' angle. What was the point of having Triple H worried that Booker just might be the guy that can take him down - and then at the PPV have HHH bowl him over? You did a good build, and then yanked us. Same thing with the Dawn Marie, Torrie and Al bit. All this buildup to the 'shocking hotel room footage' to be shown at the PPV, and Al Wilson has them stop the tape. We're wrestling fans, Vince. If you INSIST on NOT giving us wrestling, at least give us what you PROMISE - and have it make a little bit of SENSE.
For example, how can we POSSIBLY believe that Kane's a super monster? A few weeks ago he gets knocked into a flaming dumpster, and is back without a scratch the next show. THEN he's allegedly in the back seat of a limo which is driven into the side of a freight trailer - and that puts him out two weeks, one of them convalescing in the hospital? The Kane character is beyond destroyed now; just put the puppy to bed already, huh? I mean, what's the point? Making Shane look stronger than the rest of the WRESTLERS on the roster - is THAT supposed to sell tickets and merchandise? After all, we regularly see the WRESTLERS get absolutely massacred in there two at a time - but SHANE can go toe-to-toe with Kane and WIN? Sweet Chin JESUS, man. It's insulting.
Speaking of insulting, we have Shawn Michaels - God's Wrestler, and Good Christian In General - in an angle where Bill Goldberg isn't sure whether he can be trusted. No shit, really? After lying for years about being in on the Big Schmozz, he FINALLY comes clean (on Velocity, so that the number of folks that see it are kept to a minimum) because he's all moral and upstanding now - and Goldberg isn't sure this is on the square? Is there ANYONE on this earth QUITE that STUPID? Of COURSE it's not on the square, Bill. Shawn's whole career is built on being a backstabbing piece of shit - everyone knows it. Except YOU?
It's those kinds of tiny little DETAILS that impede our ability to enjoy the show, folks. If it's gonna be bullshit, be CONSISTANT bullshit. Nobody can deny that the ringwork back in the 80s was total malarkey - and if you doubt me consider the 'finishers' of the time, such as JYD's 'Crawling Headbutt' or Hogan's Legdrop. Bullshit, right? But it was bullshit that worked as advertised, consistantly. Conversely, if it's gonna be presented as if it's shoot - be CONSISTANT about it. Don't expect us to believe that J.R. would be concerned about the safety of a guy that SET HIM ON FIRE. Don't expect us to believe a borderline cruiserweight like Eddy Guerrerro has a chance in hell at toppling Big Show. Don't expect us to believe that a guy with one leg can beat wrestlers - but not a 55 year-old man.
Anyway, that's enough thinking for you guys... Tonight's Raw is brought to us from the Wachovia Center in Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania... Standard thing with the sheep boing Bischoff's picture and cheering for Austin that makes me think with growing surety that this reaction is piped in. I mean, the change from booing to cheering is so sudden that it's reminiscent of someone hitting a switch - and they don't even have the decency to crossfade it. Standard intro, before we go to Saucy and Skeevy for the Big Shill since the PPV is this weekend. You care yet? Neither do I. I can't really figure them having much highlights from last week, what with so few matches and all... Shit, Road Warrior Hawk dropped dead. I was gonna get his picture at the next FanSlam, too. Oh well... And we start with a replay of HHH offering the dough, interspersed with clips of all the attempts to this point and punctuated with the Superkick on Goldie. On the other hand, this might be the first PPV in a long time without Triple H in the Main Event - which could convince me to buy it and show my support for a Levesque-free product... Too bad it would ALSO show support for seeing Vince work over his own daughter, but that's a dilemma for another time, right? Seems they're going ahead with that Goldberg/Michaels match tonight, and for some reason I think they'll have Hebner or Patrick preside... Yep, I can smell a screwjob over two hours away. I'm cool like that.
And the show starts with the glass breaking... Goodie. Austin comes striding out to the ring with the spots he's still capable of in the ring (climbing to the second buckle and flipping people off, to be specific), and he gets a mic. He's got a reason to have that big smile on his face: A note left in his office, Me and you in the ring - 9:00. And he's all amped because there's a possibility he'll be physically provoked. And here comes Test... No, it's Stacy - and Test (on crutches, with the broken foot and such). Stacy's dolled up like a redneck Barbie, and Test barks orders at her for heel heat. Test wants to kick Austin's ass, but he's on the shelf because of Austin's booking. He wants an apology for the booking - and for what he did to his piece of property. Austin flips off the both of them. Austin is not impressed with Test's problems, since it's part of the job. He also hopes Stacy learned a valuable lesson from her Stunner last week... That she should have picked C) Drink her ass off until she passes out. She starts to answer, and Test shuts her down - since he's the star, not her. Austin's asked if he thinks he's all tough for trying to get at a crippled man. Austin asks if Test would PLEASE, and then PRETTY PLEASE to punch him. Test declines, and tells Stacy to hit the bricks with him... Stacy shoves Test into Austin, and gets the little Canadian Stunned - crutches and all.
Cue Eric on the Titantron scolding Austin about how the stips keep Austin from 'doing his job', and then suggests they go back to the roots at Survivor Series. Austin's team of five against Bischoff's, and if Austin wins - they'll lift the ban on his don't touch the talent thing. Eric's already got Jericho and Steiner on his team, and they flank his big chair. If Austin loses, he's out. No more GM. Austin's cool with it, and calls for a beer. He gets one, and here comes another - and Stacy intercepts! She smiles, and then calls for the toast... The crowd pops, and they toast... Stacy then chugs. And then another... She's two-fisting it now, and the beer gives her a wet tee look... Commercial time, and I think DK is probably as happy as he's gonna get, what with them bringing back the old school SS match... Hope you get the computer back online soon, brother - I miss the Transmissions already.
Commercials, including the new PS2 Smackdown game - Here Comes the Pain. It features Cena, Benoit and Lesnar.
We're back, and here's Shane sporting a tweed number pacing in the back, as though Kane is due any second... The Dudley Boyz are coming out to defend their strap, and it's official. No more Dudleyville. They're from New Yawk. Saucy re-mentions that Hawk is taking the dirt nap now as La Resistance comes out for the challenge... Who else, right? There's only two tag-teams.
Dupree and DVon start it off, working some armbars and such. Blind tag to Conway, and DVon eats a dropkick... DVon responds with a a flying clothesline, and another clothesline... Dupree gets back in, and after a neckbreaker starts taking the boots to DVon... Flying Armdrag... Diving Seated Neckbreaker, Hennig style. Team Suplex gets two two-counts on the hapless DVon... Back elbow followed with a flying frorearm drop gets another two on the battered Black Dudley. Dupree working a chinlock now, but DVon punches out. Dupree gets a droptoe to prevent the tag. Heel Tag Team 101 in the house, and DVon manages to kick loose and start to the corner... Dupree grabs his leg, and DVon does an enzuigiri... Hot tag to Bubba. Neckbreaker, Sidewalk Slam. Tosses Dupree out, and bodyslams Conway. They call for Wassup, but Renee breaks it up by crotching DVon. They taunt by yelling Wassup, and then team Spinebuster Bubba. Dvon gets in and dishes up a Twisting Gourdbuster on Conway. Dupree is tossed out, and Bubba picks up Renee - for a Dudley Doomsday Device. Bubba has on an armband with Hawk written on it.
Bischoff is offering guidance to Steiner and Jericho for their match against Storm and RVD, and they're already going the 'can the co-exist' route. Terri is chatting up Orton and Flair, and they guarantee that the money will be collected tonight. Oh, and Flair tells Maven he'd better have the jet-pack on, because the Nature Boy... WHOOO! No, I don't know what the hell he's talking about either. They walk off, and Booker T shows up to make a statement - but Orton comes back and tries to shine. Booker T scrams all over him for not having any credentials - or title reigns - and then punches him in the face before offering to beat his ass in the ring. Orton accepts, still holding his jaw.
Commercials. Yes, again. Three minutes of interviews, and then more commercials... Wow. Sometimes I hate being right....
The match is already under way, and Booker is kicking Orton's ass with a bunch of kicks and chops, and Orton gets off the old Stungun to slow the pace. Orton gets the cover for two. Booker eats that Hangman's Backbreaker for another two. Orton now working a surfboard, and Booker slowly getting to his feet, trying to turn it... Orton kicks him and gives the Irish Whip, and eats a series of clotheslines punctuated with a Spinwheel Kick. Kneelift. Scissors Kick. Harlem Side Kick. Spinneroonie. Orton bails, saying he doesn't need this - and gets counted out. Booker gets a mic, and tells Orton his punk ass BETTER run, and then says if Austin's lookin' for a few good superstars - he's in. Goodie. I guess he forgives Austin for beating him through (and WITH) an entire supermarket, huh?
Cut to Michaels in the back, and he's got on a coat made out of compact-mirrors and the flag of Texas in a valentine heart on his crotch... Y'know, there's WAY too many punchlines possible for that setup, so pick one out yourself while we go to commercials...
Hey, Michaels is coming out. (Pun not intended) Are they giving us this match NOW? Can't be. Ross also suggests that the Superkick he fed Bill last week was 'inadvertant'. Even Lawler thinks he's on crack at that one. (Pun not intended there, either... No, really.) They start Goldberg's music, and cut to the back - where Henry thrashes him like a pinata and throws him 'through a steel door'. I note that there were no hinge-pins on these doors, but that's because I know about that sort of thing, it being my day job and whatnot... You are free to believe that Goldberg was catapulted through a solid steel door as Saucy and Skeevy shill for the horizon - and we go to commercial.
We're back, and they replay Goldberg getting the biz. HBK is back there with Goldberg and Austin, and they're not sure we'll have the match now. Cue Jericho's entrance, and I think they're gonna give Steiner his, too. For padding. They even replay Jericho rescuing Stratus... Now here comes Steiner as the klaxons sound, and three seconds later Saucy starts working the 'can they co-exist', and reminds us that Steiner is Test's property along with Stacy... Sigh. Storm comes dancing out next. No, really. Dancing, I tell you. Like Scottie 2 Hottie on an Ecstasy bender... And now RVD hits the ramp as the heels bail, and the faces fluff the crowd but there's not much heat there... Practically silent. You can hear Steiner talking, and he tries to intimidate RVD agains with his biceps. RVD tries a kick, Steiner catches it, and then a punch from RVD. Tries to toss RVD, but gets kicked down. Shoves him to the corner and tries for the Monkey Flip, but Steiner won't go. RVD back up, ducks a Steinerline and nails a crossbody. Goes to the well again from the other corner, but gets caught and slammed into the corner... Storm is in, and so is Jericho... Oldschool like they did In WCW.. Chains aplenty. Like the Amistad. Faster than I can type.
Hiptoss reversal chain puts Storm on the apron, and Steiner tries a cheapshot and gets kicked off. Jericho capitalizes on the distraction. More beating on Storm, and then he's tossed into the ring so Jericho can work him over. Tag to Steiner, several suplexes and brawlies. Tag to Jericho, who bodylslams Storm and does the pushup spot for some reason... Storm gets a rollup in the confusion for two. Jericho tosses Storme to the corner, and Storm leaps up to the top buckle and gets a flying back elbow on Jericho. Tag to RVD. Northern Lights Suplex gets two... Irish Whip gets Y2J a spinkick. Then all hell breaks loose, with Steiner and Storm on the outside having it out - and Jericho and RVD likewise on the inside. When the dust settles, Jericho wins it with a Lionsault after Steiner breaks up the Rolling Thunder attempt with a chairshot from the floor.
Cut back to Goldberg in the locker, and Bischoff is suggesting Goldberg doesn't wanna face Michaels... Bill yanks Bischoff to him and growls that the match is still on, since it'll take a hell of a lot more than 'that' to get him on the shelf... (Yeah, it takes 20 million bucks to do THAT.) Then we go to commercials.
When we come back, they're still talking about Hawk being dead. And they also mention Stu Hart, since it's bring out your dead week on Tiny Toons... And in case Bret's not quite fucked up enough, Vince himself is narrating the Tribute Piece for his dead dad... Shit, that even offends ME.
Cut to Flair telling Henry and Long that since they didn't get the job done, they gets no dollar-dollar-bill-yo... Cut to Jericho talking up Trish and how he's the King of Bling-Bling, but Trish 'breaks character' and tells him that she knows that he did it to prove a point to Austin - but even so, 'Thanks'. She's using that 'Let's just be friends' tone, and shortly exits stage right. Chris looks a bit disappointed... What, you think she'll kiss you or something? She probably remembers when you made fun of her barking stint with Vince... I sure do.
Jindrak and Garrison Cade (who?) are in the back with Orton, and tell him that they're after the huindred grand... Orton tells them all they need to do is take out Goldberg, and they tell him they have another route in mind. Orton (what a doofus) tells them that there's no other way to get the money... Jindrak and Cade then prove him wrong - beating him up and stealing the case. Heh. Good one. That'll put them on the map.
We're back, and Orton's searching for the dough... Flair's next up, and he tells Orton to have the dough on hand for him to show Michaels... But first, let's have Trish and Lita tagteam it up aginst Victoria (with Steve) and Molly. Shit, Molly's looking a bit ton the thick sicde lately, huh? Vic and Trish start it off, circling eacj other a bit - and then Molly getys tagged in. FrontLift Takedown on Milly, with some brawling and Trish gets two. Trish with some brawling, and then takes Molly down with an ankle-scissors. Trish goes for the tencount punches, but Vic drapes her across the toprope to save Molly. Tags in Vic, somehow... A spotfest ensues. Victoria eventually wins it with a HORRIBLY stiff looking Double Powerbomb (assisted by Stevie), and Molly works her over with the belt. Now they're working over Trish and Lita three on two, and CHRISTIAN comes out for the save this time... Catching Stevie in a toprope Neckbreaker and chasing the chicks away.
And we're back, re-replaying the footage of Henry throwing Goldberg through the door. And here's comes Maven for that match with the Nay Cha Bwa he was supposed to have last week. Replay of Flair beating Maven flat with a crutch... Now Flair comes out, and Saucy suggests that Flair could be governor of North Carolina - which of course makes sense to say in PENNSYLVANIA, right? Right. Maven attacks Flair before he even takes off the robe with - you guessed it - a dropkick. Back body drop on Naitch, and Flair bails to the outside. Maven follows him out, and Flair thumbs him in the eye. Maven responds with a Back body drop on the floor... They go back into the ring, and Flair makes with the Whoo-Chops. Five of them to knock down Maven, but it gets a two count... Flair now working a head vice, but Maven powers up and elbows free. Flair takes him back down, and hits that kneedrop he hasn't used in a while. Now they're going toe-to-toe, and Maven knocks Flair down with a Flying Forearm off an Irish Whip. ANOTHER Back body drop on Flair. Maven goes to the top and hits the High Crossbody, sorta... Maven gets two, and then pulls Flair to a vertical base with a waistlock. Maven forces Flair into the corner and goes for a reverse roll to a double prawn for two, but Flair rolls to the side and puts the kid in it - grabbing the tights for the win.
Flair's on Cloud Nine coming back, and then Orton breaks the news about the money. Flair understandably goes bugshit. However, the brain surgeon crooks that they are, haven't left the building yet... At least not in the car they showed up in... At that moment, a cadre of cops runs past Flair and Orton and surround the just arriving Kane. We go to commercial.
We're back, and Kane's coming to the ring trailed by about twenty cops... Kane's still kinda scratched up, and he tells Shane to listen. This all started with his mother... She wanted to control him, like everyone thought they could all his life... But he grabbed her by the neck and 'made her squirm for her very LIFE'... She said 'No', but Kane learned a long time ago that No means Yes, and he dumped her on the skimmer. It felt good. Inflicting pain turns him on, he says. No, I only wish I was kidding... Kane blathers on about how all that happened hasn't stopped him because he's unstoppable. The crowd is not into it, and neither am I. He says that Survivor Series will be the end for Shane... Just not his pain... As if I needed to tell you, it was DULL.
Now we go to Jindrak and Cade making their getaway, but they get beat down outside by someone with a 2x4... It's Triple H.
With the dough back in hand, The Game walks into the arena as we go to commercial. It's now 10:51...
We're back, and Orton and Flair are panicking about the dough when Hunter walks back in. Hunter scolds Orton for dropping the ball after Flair promptly sells the kid down the river. Helmsley suggests they watch the match, since someone is STILL guaranteed to collect tonight. And it's 10:55 as Michaels makes his second entrance... Here comes Goldberg - take two. He looks a bit cranky, but otherwise no worse for wear as he comes down the aisle. They ring the bell, and the two of them go nose to nose... And then lock up. Bill shoves Michawels down hard, twice. Michaels slaps Bill, and Bill grabs him by the throat and bulls him to the corner. Michaels with the reversal lands a series of forearms, but Bill shoves him down. They repeat that sequence - in the SAME darn corner, no less - to pad the match. Shawn then goes for a bunch of kicks to the leg, taking Bill down on the fifth one. Michaels goes to the top as Goldberg gets up. Michaels tries for a Top Axehandle, but gets caught by the neck and Gorilla Slammed. They spill outside, and Shawn bulls Bill into the steps a couple times before rolling him in and setting him up in the corner for some chops and forearms. Irish Whip to the opposite corner, but Bill reverses... Michaels rolls to the top, and gets kicked into the air. Bill now in control, and he's battering Michaels with clotheslines. Goldberg with a Powerslam, followed by a Military Press Front Slam. Goldberg setting up for the Spear... Michaels dodges, and Bill hits the ref. Michaels with the Superkick puts them all down, and Robinson relieves the unconscious Hebner to make the ten count. Michaels looks to be making it up by eight, but is snatched out the ring and thrashed by Batista. Michaels flung into the steps, and then thrown over the barrier. Batista gets in the ring, and Sitout Powerbombs Goldberg. Batista then goes outside and gets a chair, putting Goldber's ankle in it and jumping down for his Big Break. Goldberg flops around in the ring like a fish, and Evolution comes out and pays Batista. Evolution Reunited raises their arms in victory,and that's a wrap.
ANOTHER screwy finish in the Main Event makes me pretty darn unhappy. Thank you, Virgil Runnels. Kindly drop dead.
Anyway, in summation: Wow, can you smell the desperation or what? They might as well be flashing 'Buy the PPV - We Beg You' at the bottom of the screen. I'm totally not buying it, since they might put Hunter in there anyway. I think this month of recapping has - if anything - helped convince you to spend that forty bucks elsewhere, and to that all I can say is...
You're welcome. See you SOON.