Hello, my intended...
In case you couldn't tell from the title, I'm not really looking forward to what has been conservatively estimated to be a CATACLYSMIC FUSTERCLUCK nearly unilaterally across the wrestling-pundit pantheon. Do note that these are conservative estimates. I'm sure there's a few contrarians out there trying to garner some cheap heat on the occasional forums and chatrooms, but there always will be such and I don't really pay much mind to them.
Mostly because I used to be one of them. Trust me, none of those guys ever makes it... They might manage to get some bullshit going and even snag a gig doing this sort of thing for some site or other - maybe even start their own, but unless they learn to REALLY love the taste of cock really fast, they're not going to draw a paycheck for it. Ever. Many of them convince themselves that they're the next fucking Tolstoy and occasionally do a book or somesuch. There's even a name for such a person:
BNF. It's an acronym for Big Name Fan. People who manage to make themselves 'famous' for being a fan of something. We wrestling marks didn't invent this paradigm, believe it or not (most attribute it to Star Trek, and I agree with that assessment), but we do have a larger than average amount of them by ratio to 'normal' fan. Maybe because fewer and fewer people will admit to actually BEING a fan of the grap game anymore, while folks like Scott Keith, RD Reynolds, and Barbwire Mike (okay, and me) stubbornly cling on to the little rubber raft and pray to survive to the end of the storm. Oh, wait, Lance retired, didn't he? Guess I need a new analogy...
At any rate, when most of the alleged pundits are looking forward to this Taboo Tuesday like a four-post root canal you can just imagine how much the 'average' fan might be anticipating it. Then again, you can wait until Wednessday and see the buyrate reports. If there are any.
Don't get me wrong. It's possible to become fairly famous and even write a book about what you love (or used to love) without selling your soul... It's also possible to win the Lotto the same day you're elected Pope.
Heh. I'm teasing. I know how many authors out there self-publish. We rasslin' marks DO have the lock on the first official (well, adopted as such by most accounts) self-publisher with wide reach throughout the fandom: Bill Apter. I guess that's something to be proud of... Sure, some of the Star Trekkers back in the day did the newsletter thing, but very few of them lasted more than a year - and none have been chugging along with the perpetual-motion of ol' Apter. Hell, as BNF's go, he's the measuring stick. How many of the rest of us are actually part of the 'insider lingo'? (Apter-Mags, used as a synonym for Dirt-Sheets, donchaknow?)
So I guess the point is that we wrestling fans have something most other fandoms don't. Staying power. I can't see ol' Apter (or Keith, or any of the rest of us - though we DID have a close scrape with Reynolds when the Wrestlecrap bandwidth bills were piling up) packing it in anytime soon.
Hell, most of us that survived the trainwreck we know as 2002 are considered as unkillable as cockroaches. Sure, some of us still fall by the wayside now and again, but I think we've made it through the lowest trough...
However, I think we're heading for a new dip tomorrow. I can assure you folks out there that as long as I'm able to type and there's still a WWe, you'll be seeing me. I've sworn as much a few times before, but I need to remind myself now and then...
Because it gets pretty bad. Now and then...
Eric's picture is booed.
Replay of the whole 'Why we're supposed to give a fuck about Edge tidbits from last week and beyond.' We're also shown him Spearing Benoit and HBK for the leadup to the whole Triple Threat thing tonight...
Standard Raw Intro.
Tonight's Raw comes at us from Chicago. Don't expect much.
Orton and Jericho versus Flair and Batista. We're also reminded that there'll be a Triple Threat Match - and Debate.
Debate? You've gotta be fucking kidding me...
Eric's in the ring wearing his black pajamas and he doesn't wanna wait until tomorrow - he wants to bash up Eugene tonight. He calls out his nephew, and Eugene comes out with huge styofoam hands clapping and playing airplane. Bischoff says that Eugene's been embarrassing him his entire life - Eugene's or Erics, I dunno. Bischoff also runs down our choices for the stips, and tells Eugene he's not a wrestler - but he didn't call Eugene out so HE could battle him. He brought in help.
Snitsky stares at Eugene a bit, and we have a Battle of the Bam-Bams. Gene slaps Eugene and then puts him in the Face corner and steps on his head a bit. He yanks Eugene up and sends him to the opposite corner. Eugene bounces off and Gene Back Body Drops him, Flair-style. Gene with some Elbow Drops, it gets a two-count. Gene with a Body Slam. Gets another two-count. Eugene shakily gets to his feet and Gene pounds on him some. Eugene hulks up after being fed the Face Corner Buckles a couple times. Eugene pounds on Snitsky and then tosses him outside. Eugene follows him out and tries to get in some more offense, but Gene picks him up and drives him into the ringpost.
Eugene back in. Shit hits the fan. Eugene tries to Rock Bottom. Gene elbows free and then hits Eugene with that Corkscrew Side Slam of his. Threecount. Gene's not done, though, and he goes outside and gets a chair...
Steve Regal interrupts with brawlies. Snitsky lowblows him, and then waffles him with the chair, but decides not to thrash Eugene with it and simply stalks away. Bischoff uses the opportunity to lay a kick into Eugene's skimmer while he's all helpless and then Bischoff also retires back up the ramp.
Um... Kane was barred from the building...
Next up, since it's debate season, we'll have a Triple Threat Debate.
Commercials. He's A Lady will be the next 'Reality Series' from TBS. It'll dress 'regular guys' up as chicks and see who's more 'ladylike'. No, I only WISH I was kidding...
Forty-four minutes until 'the polls open' for Taboo Tuesday, so we'll have the Geek moderate... Lawler says it's the first time there's ever been a three-way debate, proving he's a dumbass (again), since Perot was part of the debates back in 1996.
The Geek will give all of them two minutes to answer a question: Why should THEY be the one the fans vote into a title shot?
Edge bitches and whines about how it's a crime he's never had a title shot and blah blah blah. Sorry, Adam. Nobody gives a shit about you.
Benoit takes umbrage about being Speared last week and vows revenge tonight. As for why the fans should vote for him: Since he's been back on Raw, he's made Michaels AND HBK tap out." Edge says that Benoit didn't make him tap out. Benoit offers to do so now. The Geek tells them they swore to keep the violence in reserve for the main event.
HBK's turn. Cheap pop for the Chicago crowd, followed by HBK calling Benoit and Edge a couple 'Master Debaters' for the stupidest bullshit 'joke' of his career. This week. HBK offers to beat HHH for the title, and he should be given the chance because 'He Has A Plan'. A Plan he's not gonna share, though. But he has it. Honest. And it's gonna work, too.
Edge talks some more shit. Bedlam. Edge gets a German Suplex from Benoit after talking shit to the Geek and pushing him aside. HBK follows up with the Superkick, but hits Tod instead. Edge basks in his heelishness as the EMTs run out for the Geek.
Commercials. Two guys in chickensuits will battle it out on DirecTV for Burger King. God, I wish I could invent shit like this... So much MONEY, I'd have.
Next up, a tagmatch. Trish and Molly and Kim, will face... (Gee, shall we guess?) Victoria, Nidia, and Stacy? How'd you figure it out? Trish gets in a kick to the belly as Stacy does her Middle Rope Leggy thing, and then tries to work the leg a bit with some Thigh Kicking - then drags Stacy to the Heel Corner and works on her leg using the bottom rope as a fulcrum. Molly entices the Face chicks to come in, and the ref ejects them while the Heel Chicks work Kiebler over. Molly with a Stepover Leglock to wear down Stacy some, then tags in Kim. Kim works over Stacy in the Farside corner, and then Trish ties her up in the ropes. Stacy makes the hot tag to Victoria as Molly tags in Kim. Victoria cleans house, lariats for everyone.
Vic with a Pancake Variant that looks like a Dominator. Kim is pinned. Twocount that Trish breaks up. Ref ejects her as Victoria tries a pin. Kim reverses it into a Double Prawn. Stacy makes the save at two. Trish charges, but Vic and Stacy dodge. Trish flies out of the ring. Nidia gets in on the action. A bit. She and Molly spill outside. Vic hits the Widow's Peak on the hapless Kim, and that'll take it home.
Replay of what Snitsky did to Regal and Eugene. He's bragging about it on a cellphone. Lita stares at him. Then she slaps the cellphone out his hands. Then she slaps on Snitsky a bit after saying she wanted to see the face of the scumbag that killed her son. Gene shoves her to the wall by her huge chin and tells her that it wasn't his fault. Then he tells her that he's gonna crush him up her hubbie, but that WILL be his fault. Sorta. He shoves her to the floor so she can stare at him some more.
Ross says he hopes Kane kills Snitsky. Lawler agrees it should be so.
Clips of Orton on Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel rags on Flair being totally old and shit. A lot. Flair is watching in the back on the monitor, and JESUS he looks like shit. HHH offers encouragement. Bleh.
Commercials. Hellboy on DVD. Director's Cut includes a plastic toy, according to the Best Buy circular...
Batista comes out first. I guess Flair will get his own entrance, too, to eat up the clock. And Flair comes out. I swear to God he looks like a THOUSAND YEARS OLD. Lawler and Ross (being total old fucks themselves) take offense at Kimmel's ragging on Flair's age and say they don't think Kimmel would do so to Flair's face. I dunno. He let Goldberg put him in a wrestling move. That takes guts, considering how capable Goldberg is...
Benoit and then Orton also get their intros. Orton is talking big crappy to Flair, Dave makes a big show of 'holding Flair back'. Orton and Dave eventually start it... No, Jericho and Dave will. Dave dares Jericho to take a shot, so Y2J dropkicks him and sends him sprawling to the farside. Jericho takes the boots to him and Dave skitters outside. Dave eventually comes back in, and Jericho gets in some more brawlies before Dave shoves him down and steps on his head. Tag to Flair. Flair and Jericho lock up. Jericho does a full arm-drag and twist to hold Flair in place, then tags in Orton.
Orton and Flair brawl. Flair brawls Orton in the Farside. Orton brawls back. Flair brawls in return. Orton starts brawling back, but Flair thumbs him in the eye. Orton staggers around, so Flair chops him down. Orton tags in Jericho, who takes the brawlies to Flair. Tag to Dave. Dave and Jericho brawl. Dave falls back out the ring.
Commercials. A fat fuck balances a stove on his chin to get the M&M M-Azing bar to open itself. How this sells candy is still a total mystery to me. Can someone help me out here? Without suggesting drugs.
We're back, and the polls are open really soon. Dave lays some kneelifts to Jericho's belly, then sends him to the farside. Jericho skippers up to the second buckle and dropkicks Dave down. Flair tries to get involved. Chris beats him up. Dave gets up and Pendulum Backbreakers Jericho. Tag to Flair. Choppy-woo. Jericho staggers to the nearside for some brawlies from Flair. Jericho falls down. Flair tags in Dave. Dave with a couple clubbing shots to the back, followed by a Vertical Suplex. Gets two. Dave puts Jericho in a Camel Clutch. Jericho gets to the ropes after some struggling. Tag to Flair. Flair starts picking Y2J up, but Chris hits some chops and punches - followed by a backslide. Gets two. Both men back up. Jericho chops Flair down, but Flair twines his legs with Jericho to hold him and tags in Dave.
Dave with some more brawlies, then a Super Whip to the corner. Jericho falls down. Dave picks him up and puts him in a Bearhug. Jericho tries to fight free, so Dave drops him in a Spinebuster and then hurls him out to the floor. Flair starts working over Jericho while Dave distracts the ref. Jericho Back Body Drops Flair on the floor. Dave then drags Jericho in by the hair and gives him another Backbreaker. Tries for a third, but Jericho rolls over his shoulder and then hits him with the Enzuigiiri.
Polls are open. Tag to Flair. Hot tag to Orton. Flair is Back Body Dropped, then clotheslined down a few times. Then powerslammed. Orton pins Dave breaks it up. Jericho to the top, so Orton tags him. Dave eats a Cross Body. Flair tags in. Jericho Bulldogs him. Flair is put into the Walls. Dave recovers and then runs back in and hits that Knockout Lariat. Flair puts the Figure Four on the 'unconscious' Jericho. Gets a twocount, but then Jericho taps out immediately afterwards. Ross and Lawler say that Kimmel should be eating his words now. Never knew they were so sensitive... How's that song go?
What a Draaaaag it IS, Getting Oooooold?
They remind us the polls are now open.
We're back for clips of WWe's trips abroad. Finland. Sheffield. London. Frankfurt.
Then we have Lawler <s>trying to figure out how to use the computer</s> showing us how easy it is to vote for the Big Event Tomorrow.
Then Vince comes waddling out. Probably to remind us to vote. Lawler asks what if Vince McMahon ran for President. Ross says that he'd probably win the damn thing. (kiss kiss) Vince tells us about his vision for Taboo Tuesday, and says that nobody in the arena enjoys the power he does, but tomorrow they'll get some of it. Well, he says it's 'totally' in our hands, but that would mean we'd get to book the finish too, doesn't it you fucking liar?
Christian interrupts Vince. Vince looks askance, then says it BETTER be GOOD. Christian addresses all the fans in Chi-town and the world, and thanks them for all the appreciation and support over the years. He then says that this segment is not motivated by the wish to get the nod for the IC strap, and says his Peeps - nay, the Christian Coalition - will back him.
Vince looks at him, and then asks "The Christian... Coalition?" Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Christian asks for Vince's endorsement to get the nod. Tajiri comes out and says He Sink He a RIAR when he say he should get the shot. He say Tajiri should. Vince asks why. Because He RUVVU Mista McMahon. Then he hugs him. Christian says he loves Vince too, and also hugs him. Vince shoves both of them away and says he doesn't love either of them and they should get away from him. Coach comes out and says he should get the shot, too, since he's the Michael Jordan of Raw.
Rhyno comes out. Vince asks if he's gonna campaign too. Rhyno says no, he came out to Gore Coach and Christian into next week. Before that, though, Vince chides them for acting like kids, and offers to allow them to handle this as adults. Then Hurricane comes out and says that it should be him. Then Shelton Benjamin comes out. Vince looks pretty pissed, too, since the darkie got involved. He offers to take the mic from Shelton and shove it where the sun don't shine. Shelton says 'I'd like to see THAT.'
So would Bobo. So would Bobo.
Vince calls for a ref to call a Six-Man Elimination Match, and the winner will get his endorsement. CLB and the Hurricane start out. Helms with a Side Headlock, then shoves CLB into the ropes. They chain around a bit, but Helms lays CLB down with the Flying Clothesline. Christian tags in Tajiri. Tajiri kicks upside Helms skimmer, then chokes him. Helms goes to the ropes to recover as Vince stews about being interrupted in the broadcast booth with Ross and Lawler, followed closely by a reminder to vote November Second as well as on the Tuesday thing. CLB hotshot throttles Helms across the top rope from the apron. Tajiri then kicks in Hurricane's head and covers him. Helms is eliminated.
We're back, Rhyno and Christian is in there. Coachman was flattened by Tajiri. Coachman gets in and Rhyno GORES him. Coach is pinned. Christian hits the Unprettier on Rhyno. Rhyno is pinned. It's down to SB and CLB. Christian's bleeding on the short-ribs. Shelton pins him. Gets two. Both men back up, so Shelton Backbreakers Christian. SB pulls CLB up for more, but gets a thumb to the eye. Benjamin staggers to the apron, so Christian shoulderblocks him off. Benji eats a barrier. Christian works SB over some, then Benji battles back with a Side Russian Legsweep followed by a Northern Lights Suplex. He tries another spot, but Christian rolls him up and tries to use the ropes. Benjamin kicks loose at two, then shoves Captain Charisma to the corner. He goes for the Stinger Splash. Christian dodges. SB eats the buckles. Christian tries the Unprettier. SB counters with a Backdrop Suplex. Christian flips over safely. Shelton then knocks him down and goes to the toprope. Christian flings him off. Christian tries another move, but SB counters with a Powerslam. Shelton wins.
Vince congratulates him and gives him the endorsement. Shelton says he doesn't give a damn about Vince's endorsement. He's not here to impress Vince. Vince is just one vote. Shelton's here to impress all these people who've seen him go through Four Guys and Coach to prove he deserves the shot. Ross and Lawler muse that the darkie fucked himself up a career by referring to Mr. McMahon as 'Vince'. Vince raises an eyebrow, but decides to punish Benjamin off camera.
OVW's gain, there.
Next up, Carmella and the Zombie get thirty seconds to talk up the crowd. Carmella first. She's bland as bread. She suggests we vote for the Aerobics Challenge, and says she'll come up with a routine to Please All Of You.
Zombie next. She saucily says she's ready to beat Carmella in all three matches. She's willing to do whatever it takes for Us Guys. She reminds us that the last time she was in the ring she kissed Eugene, but tonight she's gonna kiss... Lillian Garcia. Garcia's not sure she's serious.
She is. She does. Zombie Nation increases. Carmella clocks the Zombie from behind, then makes a hasty exit.
Quick rundown from Ross and Lawler over the choices we have to make for tomorrow's card, then we get a replay of the Edge/Benoit/HBK debate that got Tod Grisham's head collapsed.
We're back (10:49) and over a million fans have already voted as Triple H comes out to the booth in a suit. He gets his full intro, but not the spitty-bit. Ross and Lawler welcome him to the booth.
HBK comes down the ramp first (10:51) and shakes hands all the way to the ring. Benoit out next (10:52) as HHH bitches about the fans being in charge of his fate. Ross says, "Jericho is looking dead at you, HHH."
"So is Benoit," HHH replies without missing a beat. As much as I hate him, that was funny. Ross apologizes for being an idiot. Well, not for being an idiot, but he DOES apologize for botching the call.
Edge out next (10:53). All three men stare at each other a bit, then the bell rings. HBK and Benoit double up on Edge. Tandem brawlies. Team Back Body Drop. Then they Team throw Edge to the floor. HBK then chops Benoit. Benoit shoves Michaels to the corner for the Flair Flip that Flair can't do anymore. HBK staggers back into a waistlock from Benoit. Benoit tries the German, but Michaels blocks it. Twice. Edge back in and he charges. HBK dives aside, so Edge clotheslines Benoit. Bedlam ensues. Edge and Benoit fall outside, and Michaels hits a Flying Crossbody on the both of them while they're busy brawling on the floor.
"Just like Michaels to attack from behind," says Hunter. Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night #2.
We're back (10:58) as Benoit clamps HBK in the Crossface. Edge comes in and makes the save. Edge bashes on Benoit a bit, then Suplexes him. Edge takes a second to stomp on one of the buckles in the farside as Benoit gets up. Edge comes in and Benoit chops him some. Edge replies with a Super Whip to the Farside. Benoit collapses. Edge takes a second to knock Michaels off the apron as HBK was getting back in, then puts Benoit in a Pendulum Backbreaker. Gets two. Edge pushes Benoit to the Heel corner and then charges him, but Chris gets the feet up for Edge to run into. Benoit tries his own whip, but Edge reverses and Benoit hits chest-first in the Heel corner. Edge then sees HBK climbing the farside and tries to Superplex him. Benoit breaks it up. HBK goes for a Sunset Flip on Benoit. Gets two. All three of them down. Michaels kips up and Manhattan Drops Benoit. HBK goes to the nearside and hits Benoit with the Flying Elbow Drop. Strikes up the band. Benoit ducks the Superkick and responds with the Triple German. Benoit signals for the Headbutt, then climbs up. HBK soaks up the Flying Headbutt as Edge pulls himself up.
Edge tries to Spear Benoit, but Benoit dodges it. Edge hits the ringpost. Benoit with a Sharpshooter on Edge. Edge tries to reach the ropes. Benoit drags him to the center of the ring. HBK hits the Wolverine with the Superkick. All three men down. Michaels crawls to pin Benoit, but Edge grabs his ankles and crotches HBK on the nearside post, then tries to steal the cover. Gets two.
Edge prepares the Spear as Benoit gets up. Edge charges, but Benoit counters with the Crossface. Edge counters with a rollup. Benoit rolls though for two. Edge rolls through to the Farside corner, and holds the tights AND the ropes to pin Benoit.
Sweet Chin Jesus, this card is looking pretty much fucked. Worse than it was two hours ago, even. If any of you are planning to piss away any money on this, I suggest you donate it to charity instead. At least then it's not WASTED. You know I'm right.
To the various charities out there that'll get some money soon?
You're welcome. See you SOON.