Hey, I Discovered Crap
Originally Posted: 10-13-03

Hello, my intended..

Here I am, sitting at home because of my second least favorite holiday. Goody. I usually get the 'lead-in' to these recap things hammered out way before the actual show goes on, and then touch-type the 'action' as the show proceeds. It's four o'clock now, which means I got five hours to seethe before we get cooking... This pleases me.

Not to get off on a rant, but being known as an 'American Indian' (though in actuality I'm Lakota-Blackfoot) I've never really enjoyed how Chris Columbus got made into such a big deal when all he really did was get LOST. Not only that, but we remain of two 'accepted as okay' races to denegrate - the other, amusingly enough, is Hindustanis (aka REAL Indians - from INDIA). You doubt me? Look to sports and TV... They'll never have teams like the Texas Wetbacks, the California Klansmen, the New York Kikes, or the Tennessee Tarbabies. Never. And how many 'comedy' shows have some bit with a barely coherent 'Dothead' serving up Slurpees? Still, they've never had a team called the Utah Cameljocks.

I suppose the idea is that we won't say anything because we're worried you'll round up the rest of the country and try to kill all of us that remain.


So, in case you hadn't figured it out yet, your old buddy Bobo is in a bit of a pissy mood today. That might even spill into the recap a little, but as long as they don't get La Resistance up there talking shit about Columbus and whatnot, I don't think it will. It's not like the French were such great buddies of us 'Injuns', either, so if they go off on some 'sympathetic' tirade I'm just going to fucking lose it. For the record, the French gave a 'nickname' to the Lakota that many think is the actual name of the tribe - that name being 'Sioux'. The story goes that there was a group of French militia or trappers or something that decided it would be fun to raze a Lakota encampment while the men were off hunting. When the guys got back and found out what happened, they tracked the murderous scum bastards back to where they were garrisoned and killed them all in their fucking sleep in a manner that was considered suitable. That method gave us the name people STILL call us, which means 'cutthroat' in their 'romantic' language... You're warned.

Okay, I've hopefully relaxed since that last bit, tuning into SpikeTV at about twenty-five after eight... Hmm. It seems I haven't even turned the damn TV on since the last Raw... Well, not to watch TV, anyway. I got my super-beast computer (7 HDs, 1 DVD-RW) connected to the big 1080i, to use it for a monitor and whatnot as I go about the slow business of transferring old cartoon tapes into spiffy DVDs of stuff that will likely NEVER see release on DVD (such as Bakshi's Mighty Mouse) - plus Diablo2 and such RULE on a giant screen. Ahhh. But I digress... Looking up, I note that they now expect me to believe that the Klingons have a form of combat/exercise so similar to Tai Chi Chuan that they're totally interchangable. Goody, all I need to picture is a bunch of Star Trek geeks in latex foreheads doing Tiger-Crane forms... Ick. I just love these damn alternate universe twin duplicate episodes - right behind a sharp stick to the eye. How many 'clone' episodes have there been in Star Trek, anyway, counting the Data/Lore thing...? Forty? You'd think the future could scare up some better writers...

And tonight's Raw is coming at us from Pittsburgh, PA, and it's Saucy and Skeevy shilling that we'll get a look at 'what's left' of Kane, which means it's going to be another moronic avalanche of stupid replays leading up to the inevitable When Shane Attacks: The Hospital Series, intermingled with pretaped rubbish from Levesque about that damn hundred grand for Goldberg's head on a plate - yarmulka optional. If we're REALLY lucky, we'll get about twenty minutes of wrestling, or eight squashes - whatever comes first. Excitement. Excitement.

And we're live, skipping past the standard intro with the pictures that just annoys the hell out of me with the sheep booing Bisch and cheering Austin on cue. And we're going to Flair and Orton being interviewed by Terri, and Flair's hurt since last night and on crutches. And here comes HBK, and Flair says he only passed the title of 'the greatest' to two people - HBK and HHH. Flair goes on about how Michaels' has been getting thrashed, and he's a young kid (maybe to Flair, eh?) and how the fire's still burning. More pumping of Michaels at the hands of Naitch, and they offer HBK the hundred grand straight out. He looks to the money, and backs away slowly. Cue Raw Intro sequence, pyro, and the announce team (who don't get introduced, I might add). The Mellon Arena, eh? Kane's condition is upgraded from Critical to Guarded, and here's the replay...

And Jericho is demanding a stop, with Christian in the ring with him in banana yellow tights, and he's blathering about Austin should be yanked, as well as calling for a 'recall', since there was never such things as go on now when Bischoff was the sole GM. Yeah, okay. Like you couldn't get outta WCW fast enough, junior, and now you're blowjobbing him? And we got some footage of Test getting wrecked by Shane, broken foot or something... Yay. That'll fix 'what to do with Test since Steiner's doing his gimmick' thing, eh? More yammering from Christian, and Shane comes out to a medium pop. Hell, even I'D cheer to stop this nowhere land of Canadian kvetching. Shane mugs for the fans, and states he's proud that he put Kane in the hospital and broke Test's foot. he then suggests since Kane got an ambulance, they could have a Waaaaaaaaaambulance. Yay, I haven't heard THAT joke in a while...

And here comes La Resistance, speaking about how Austin cost them their tag straps and nothing was ever done about it. Shane attacks Jericho and is taken down four on one, which I guess proves he's got dad's ego. Shane in the Walls, and here come the Dudleys to a pop for the save. I smell cluster-match, and the Dudleys are calling the French dudes down right now, to chants of USA from the fans. French/Canadian huddle, and they ask for clarification as to whether the Duds and Shane want a 3 on 4. They nod. Jericho says a quick, "No." Then the French-Canadian Connection promptly hit the bricks. That was actually pretty cute. Quick blurb on Canadian Cowardice from Ross..

Bill Goldberg marching up to the building, only twelve minutes late, and someone tries to run him over. They miss. Darn. Is this a subtle plug for Rock's movie? You decide. I'm pretty tired of these car-assisted attacks, myself, but hey. It's their money, not mine. Heh.


Replay of Goldberg's near miss... Bah. Hey, great. It's ICRVD coming out to defend the strap. Things are looking up, huh? Wonder how they'll fuck it up... Steiner, eh? Yeah, that'll do it. Stacy marching sullenly behind him in white go-go boots and a black minidress, and Steiner gets a chair to have Stacy sit ringside. He instructs her that when he yells for the chair, she give it to him. Anyone smell a Tina-swerve? Steiner talking in the ring with RVD, shiowing his biceps in an intimidating fashion - but RVD is nonplussed, which makes two of us. Apparently bothered by RVD not pissing his pants at the sight of his big arms Steiner goes to the chops, and a belly to belly. Now he punches on Rob and then bulls him into the corner for some of the standard slow punches... Steiner backs off and levels Rob with a clothesline, followed by the bicep drop - which gets two before Steiner goes to that dumbass pushup spot he does - giving RVD the chance to return to a vertical base. RVD with a Front Avalanche Slam, then follows up with a Split Legged Moonsault. Throws Steiner to the ropes and tries a Back Bodydrop, but gets suplexed instead. He calls to Stacy for the chair, but she doesn't give it to him... RVD takes the opportunity, and bowls Steiner over with that Wishbone Kick he does. Steiner charges him in the corner, but eats a foot - then Rolling Thunder. Steiner bails, and RVD tries an Asai, but Steiner puls him off the apron. Steiner swings the chair, but Rob ducks... RVD gets the chair, and tosses it to Steiner for the Van Daminator. Steiner ducks it and crashes RVD for the DQ. Steiner now goes after Stacy with the chair, and here comes Austin...

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks Austin. He then asked Steiner if hitting a woman makes him a tough guy... Like he doesn't know, right? Now he wants to know if Steiner wants to hit him, but Steiner has no problem with him - basically begging off and destroying his cred as a beast-monster by letting a gimp redneck punk him like this... Austin asks Steiner to hit him. Then dares him. Then double-dog dares him... And finally Steiner does. Thanks. Personally, I would've cracked him the second he got in the ring to put over that 'monster heel' thing they wanna do with him, but that's me. Now Austin's smiling... And he commences to thrash Steiner to little pieces, throwing him into the stairs, and then choking him with the feed wire. Stacy leads the Austin cheer. Steiner back into the ring, and he shoves Stacy into Austin to make his getaway. Beers from the crowd, and he toasts the 'finally smiling' Stacy. Stacy with the cuteboots thing, and it seems she's not into beer... Austin opens it for her like a gentleman, and Stacy tries a chug, but fails... And gets Stunnered. Just when I thought I couldn't hate that bastard any more than I did, too... I guess she DOES look a little like Debra, at a certain angle.


We're back, and Flair is joining the announce crew. JR mentions that he must be wrecked to miss his scheduled match with Maven, which just about gives away Flair might not be injured... And Maven's substitute opponent is Rico. Think he'll give him his room keys again? Rico leads with a kneelift and some brawlies, and gets two for it. Takes Maven to the corner, and just works the Eyebrow Guy over like a bathroom rug. Maven tries more kicks, but gets a Manhattan Drop. Now a back bodydrop. Now a Spinwheel Kick, and Rico is trouble. Maven to the top, and bulldogs Rico for the win - which makes Maven look at bit on the tough side for soaking up all that damage at the cost of any glimmer of heat for Rico, who looks to be able to outwork anyone if they didn't hobble him with 'the WWe Style'. Flair's walking... Now he's running... Now he's pasting Maven with a crutch. Now he takes off his jacket and decks Maven. Now he's choking Maven as the refs try to pull him off. Cue Flair's music. Flair leaves Maven stretched out in the ring, and we go to commercials... It wasn't even five minutes since the last ones...

Rosey is now the Photographer for the Daily Globe in his secret ID... He asks Lance Storm for a picture, but here comes the Hurricane to tell them they've left caffeine in the milk at the Pittsburg Orphanage, and Rosey has to change in a phonebooth. But he can't, as he's too fat. Sigh. Dude, there hasn't been 'booth-style' phonebooths for years, and they happen to have one for this trite comedybit? What next?

Oh, I had to ask... Replay of the Kane Limo-nating. They say it's 'way over the line', and I agree, but not in the same context... Dudleyz and Shane now in the locker, and Austin cleared a match with them three (with a partner of their choice) against the others... And it's a Table Match. Goldberg talking to some random Schlub about the Caddy he almost became a hood ornament for, and as he walks away a box full of stuff almost falls on him. There's a bit like that in the Raw 2 game, so I guess it's another stealth plug...

Commercials, including Smackdown's Cena/Angle on PPV...

And here's Goldberg coming down the ramp... For a promo... He asks if anyone could use HHH's money, and suggests if so they should come get it. HBK comes out. Sigh. Now Michaels with a mic... Bill asks if what they say about Michaels is true - that he can't be trusted? Must be talking to Hart, huh? HBK says if he wanted the dough, he could get it. Goldberg looks nonplussed, and so do I. HBK then rants about how he got accidentally Speared last week., and how Bill hasn't even acknowledged that he did it. HBK says that at least he's man enough to admit when he makes a mistake, which doesn't thrill Bill much - or me, since he took about five years of denying he was in on Montreal before 'admitting his mistake'. At least Jesus still loves him. They go nose to nose, and Tommy Dreamer comes out and whacks the crap outta Bill with the kendo stick, but quickly eats a Spear. HBK with the stick, and Flair runs out to hysterically goad Michaels on, but then Teddy Long comes up and speaks about Mark Henry wanting the dough, and here comes Bischoff. The Bisch is helping sell that Bill can't trust anyone, and then makes a handicap match with Orton, Flair and Henry against HBK and Goldberg. Yuck, this is way overbooked. Hell, it was way overbooked before Henry showed up...

Commercials, again? I guess Vince is cutting back on the product to sell more airtime... That makes sense, I guess, but even Saturday cartoons give you seven or eight minutes between breaks. They're averaging five so far; so any less show than this and it's an informercial.

And here comes Y2J's intro, since they're going ahead with this eight-man Table Match thing... The announcer says 'Curtis Jericho', which makes me smile. None of the other guys get their intro, at least on the 'bad' team...

Next up is the Dudleyz - from New York City, New York... What happened? No more Dudleyville? Now Shane. Next the mystery partner... Booker T! Welcome back, Booker! I can dig that, sucka! Yay! This pleases me. I hope Booker doesn't job his first day back - pun not intended. The crowd chants USA, and Booker starts it off, and Christian immediately tags Jericho in, since he 'put Booker out' and all. Booker working a headlock, then an armtwist. Jericho reverses and tosses Booker away, but Booker gets up and gets in his kickspots sprinkled with some chops. Tag to Bubba, who tries a backdrop, gets kicked. Goes for teh Bionic Elbow, and sends Y2J in for the tag to Dupree. Bubba wrecks him, then tags in DVon. Renne gets a beatdown, but tags in Conway. Dropkicks, then a tag to Christian. Front Facelock, tag to Y2J. Missile Dropkick. Backdrop Suplex. Booker tries to jump in, but only gets ehjected - andd they do the doubleteam on D-Von, who will be playing Ricky Morton the same way Will Smith played James West...poorly. DVon hanged in the ropes in the corner, and Jericho makes with the chops. You can hear him calling the spots, and he sends D-von to the corner before getting the 'desperation attack' flying clothesline. Tag to Bubba who gets in a Back Body Drop and Samoan Drop before it spills outside, and we have pandemoniuum. Shane finally gets into the ring with Y2J and they trade Corner Runs to Back Elbows before Shane gets in the Spear and his shuffly punch spots. Jericho with a thumb to the eye behind the ref's back to turn the tide, and subsequently shoves Shane into his corner for a working over. Shane pitched outside, and La Resistance sets up a table, but Booker to the rescue. Bedlam on the outside, but first some more commercials...

We're back, and Shane's getting worked over by Christian, apparently since the commercial started. Tag to Y2J, who sets Shane on the ropes for the Bossman Straddle spot, but Shane leaps aside and Jericho crotches himself. Shane tries to get to the corner, but Jericho stops him. Tag to Dupree, who does the slowest Bodyslam EVER on Shane, and then capers about spritely like it's a Riverdance show or something... Tags Jericho back in, and he dropkicks Shane before working a rear chinlock... Shane Hulks up and elbows free. He sends Y2J into the corner, but Jericho scrambles up the buckles and tries a missile dropkick, but eats a DDT. Tag to Booker, who cleans house like Scrubbing Bubbles... Lowblow to Booker from Christian, knocking Booker outside. Nice highspots, but a blown Spinebuster attempt from Booker on Conway. Booker with a trashcan. Shane's trademark Cross-Corner Trashcan Dropkick. Dudeys in, and Conway eats the Wassup. Table's in the ring, and now set up.. Jericho with the flag waffles the Dudleyz to crap, but Spike runs in for the save - catching Jericho in the Dudley Dogg. Tries it on Christian, but gets tossed to the floor. Dupree tries to get in, and gets Book-Ended through the table for the win... Then we get some replays of Shane's Dropkick, and then the Book-End. A bit convoluted, but an overall fun match to watch with a huge effort of all involved to get it over that actually succeeded with the crowds. It's 10:20, and that might be the best match of the night. Yes, out of three.

Yet more commercials make my 'cut back the show for more revenue' theory seem pretty on the money, huh?

Rosey still seems stuck in the phonebooth, and a ton of people walk by while Rosey begs for help. "Come on... I'll PAY you," he says to some chick for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Back to the ring, and the Dudleyz, Shane and Booker are still celebrating the win, with a BubbaRoonie of all things. Then Coachman comes out and says the party's over, because he gets to do a big interview with Kane from the hospital. Shane takes the mic, and tells Coach the only person interviewing Kane is himself - and has everyone carry Coach away. Shane starts talking to Kane in the hospital bed, and we get the beeping of the heart monitor from Kane's end. Shane suggests they finish up at Survivor Series, and the heart rate increases. Shane continues goading Kane, and says when he jammed the accelerator and locked the doors - aside from the engine revving all he heard was Kane "crying like a little bitch". Kane sits up, yanks off the diodes and then chokeslams the doctor - and then the nurse? Sigh. He then turns to the camera and we lose the feed...

Commercials. Yes, again.

Back from commercials, and here comes Lita... For a six-woman tagteam match...? What the hell is up with these mass matches? Ivory is a face now? And then Stratus... We all know who the other chicks are, don't we? Kim first, then Victoria (with Stevie), then Molly... Massive mix once Molluy hits the ring, but Kim and Ivory to start. Ivory works a few spots, leading to a Bulldog. Tag to Lita. Suplex. She holds Kim up and punches her, sorta. Tag to Molly. Dropkick and then chinlock... Neckbreaker on Lita gets a twocount as the still work the 'weak spot' on Lita. Scoopslam punctuated with a nice Somersault Slingshot Legdrop from Victoria. Tag to Kim for a Snapmare. Tag to Molly as Kim holds Lita up for a Molly-Go-Round, but Lita busts free and hits the ropes, crotching Molly. Hot tag to Trish, who cleans house. Tag to Ivory, who nails an X-Factor on Kim, and then all hell busts loose. Stratusfaction attempt broken up by Stevie to a Backdrop Suplex. Victoria tries the Widow's Peak, but Stratus counters with a rollup for the win. Vic and Stevie go to work a two on one, and JERICHO runs out for the save, knocking Stevie for a row of ashcans and giving Vic the ol' Carey Grant Philadelphia Story Shove. Ross called it the 'PieFace', which I guess is okay... Then Jericho helps Trish up, smiles as he brushes her fondly on the side of the face and pretty much confuses the hell outta everyone. I suppose since she's a fellow Canadian or something - because as a face turn this was out of the fuckin' BLUE. You know what else? I'm all for it. Jericho as a cocky/cowardly heel is getting worn out, so I suggest they fuckin' run with this - but first some commercials.

Replay of Steiner and Stacy getting destroyed when they return, which is a dropped ball as I'd like to have seen Jericho fucking explain why the hell he did the Lancelot thing. As if on cue: Austin confronts Jericho about his actions, and Jericho verbally bitchslaps him. "What I did was the right thing. Unlike you. What I did was called 'treating a lady with respect', which you wouldn't know anything about. I saw what you did, Stunnering Stacy out there. You're a disgrace." I know I've said this before, but God bless that Canadian.

John Heidenreich shows up... Remember, the guy that Austin stole the tickets from a couple weeks ago? Didn't think so. He gives Austin a demo tape of him that Little Johnny made. This kid better be dynamite in the ring, because he SUCKS talking. "Who the hell is Little Jonny?" asks Austin. John stammers and then scrams, and Austin walks away shaking his head like the guy is a nutcase or something. He then walks past Rosey - still in the phonebooth. Rosey smiles sheepishly, and Austin leaves him where he is. Rosey starts crying hopelessly.

Then we cut to Evolution talking about HBK and Henry shows up. Evolution suggests that Henry/Long were behind the driveby, but they deny it. More commercials.

Ten fifty-five, and here comes Henry out to the ring with Teddy. Beleedat. Twice in the Main Event in two weeks? I'm stunned. Evolution next. Then HBK, and Ross calls him 'the Great One', which makes me smile since that's The Rock's nick last I checked... Finally Goldberg, who seems to have a new video thingie... Now it's 10:59, and Lawler makes a joke about the new movie 'Kill Bill'. Michaels and Orton start it off and Orton with some brawling, but Michaels sneaks in some shots on Henry, knocking him off the apron. Michaels commences cleaning house, after Orton tags in Nature Boy. Flair does his trademark facefirst collapse, and HBK tags in Bill Goldberg. Flair landing a series of shots, but no effect on Bill. Flair gets backdropped pretty sloppy - landing on his hip, and then Bill tags HBK back in. Orton and Flair double team him promptly, and then tag in Henry. Gorilla Press Slam on HBK, then Henry flings Michaels to the corner hard. Series of Hefty Elbow Drops as Chocolate Thunder dumps his bulk on the Kid. Henry then dishes a Scoop Slam, before a tag to Flair. Knife Edge Chops. Sends Michaels to the corner for some more. And now they're trading shots. Double Shoulderblock sends them both to the mat. Bill and Henry tagged in. Flying Clothesline from Goldberg takes Henry down as Flair tries for the top rope thing to get his own slam. Bedlam erupts. Goldberg bodyslams Henry, and Michaels punctuates it with a Guillotine Legdrop. Spear and Jackhammer take this one home, and it was actually another decent showing. The veterans HBK and Flair carried the rest of the people involved to a very nice match overall. And then HBK hits Goldberg with the Superkick, levelling him. Bischoff comes out and says it'll be Michaels and Goldberg next week for the strap - since the ONLY one that could beat Goldberg is Michaels... Still sticking it to Jericho, huh, Eric?

Even with the phalanx of commercials and general dearth of wrestling to 'other' content, this was actually a pretty good show - though that's considering it followed an ESPECIALLY crummy Raw from last week. Despite the caveat, it was good - and No Triple H ramps it up another notch in my book. The storytelling - Kane/Shane feud aside - was decent, and they're really working this Austin/Jericho thing pretty well, I think. I'd prefer it if Jericho turned face during it, but that might be asking too much. And with that said, all there's left to say is:

You're welcome. See you SOON.