Hello, my intended...
Here we are on the last of our three day weekend celebrating Spain's initial invasion of the country now named after an Italian... That's right, I don't call it Columbus Day - I call it Invasion Day. Why? Because I'm one of those 'filthy, ignorant savages' John Wayne talked about during most of his movies. No, I'm not a big fan of the Duke, either; thanks for noticing.
Now ordinarily I would begin the recap with a bit of article explaining the current product or similar whimsy. I'd really like to do that, too. Except that the whole Taboo Tuesday thing is looking like a Hindenburg level disaster and it's getting worse the closer we get to it. And the beauty of it is that they'll say it's the FAN'S FAULT when it's done steaming. Honestly, consider the card...
Triple H versus either Benoit, Edge or HBK in a match to be announced once the votes are in. I'd vote HBK in a Drown in a Bucket of Piss Match, but it's not one of my choices...
Chris Jericho to face one of TWENTY different mooks in a match to be decided once the votes are in. I'd vote Pat Patterson in a 'Drop the Soap' Match, but it's not one of the choices.
Kane will seek revenge against 'Babykiller' Gene Snitsky using a weapon to be decided once the votes are in. I'd vote 'Shotgun' but it's not one of the choices.
Carmella will face the Hungry Butt/Ass Biting Zombie in a match to be decided once the votes are in. I'd vote 'locked in a cage with vicious attack dogs', but it's not one of the choices. Besides, the last time they did that all the dogs pissed the place up.
Bischoff and Eugene in a match to be decided once the votes are in - although it's looking to lean towards a head-shaving for Easy E to finish up his tenure.
Now just ask yourself: Who the FUCK would spend good money on THAT? I asked myself the same thing - and came up with nothing... Nobody could possibly be so hard up for wrestling that they'd buy a MIDDLE OF THE WEEK PPV to BEGIN with, and they're hoping to entice us with a card like THAT? It is to laugh. Heh.
This reminds me... Is Smackdown going to contribute to the Taboo, or are they doing enough to destroy all interest in sports-entertainment by holding the New Tough Enough? I suggest a new themesong for them... 'Things That Make You Go Bleh'. Honk if you know what the fuck I'm talking about.
In other news, the review of Def Jam Vendetta is a bit late... Why? Because I've been playing X-Men Legends. I'll tell you this much, though, both of them are pretty good. That should help you decide if you were waiting for a Bobo Review to tilt the scales for you one way or the next.
Pssht. Like anybody would buy a game or not because -I- said it was good or bad...
And so, live from Manchester England... We'll have an Evolution match with them against Benoit and Edge and Michaels. Again. Also, Stacy will face Trish... in the ring. Ten minutes to go, and I start hiding the sharps...
Eric's picture is not booed. I guess England's a sucker for scumbags just as long as they have good(ish) hair. Just ask Chuck.
Standard Raw Intro.
Oh, and an added match puts Regal and Eugene against La Resistance. For the titles. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh well, at least it's a team with a bit of build behind it.
First to the ring is Stacy, wearing a red shirt and a red tartan plaid miniskirt. Next out is Trish, with her belt. Replay of Stacy's Sapphic Victory from last week.
Ring the bells. Trish goes for a tieup, but Stacy ducks it. Stacy with a waistlock. Trish reverses. Trish sends Stacy to the ropes and tries a back body drop, but Stacy rolls across her back with a cartwheel type thing. Trish works back a bit, but is put in the nearside for the Nash choke. Twice. Trish sends Stacy to the corner, but Stacy catches her coming in with what Ross calls a Briscoe Roll. Looks more like a Victory Roll, but hey. Gets two. Stacy tries a spinkick, but Trish rolls outside, then trips Stacy up and wraps her leg across the ringpost.
Trish commerces working on the leg a bit, then puts Stacy on the corner and takes her down with a toprope snapmare. Trish tries to continue with the Stratusfaction, but Stacy shakes loose. Trish comes off the ropes and kicks the SHIT out of Stacy's knee. Stacy crumples, and Trish catches her with a Tajiri-inspired Chick Kick as Kiebler tries to sit back up. Stacy's out. Trish pins. Trish retains.
Molly comes running out and commences to get her digs in on Stacy for the upset from last week. Nidia to the rescue. Nidia knocks Molly down and then corners Trish for some brawlies, so Gail Kim comes running out. Victoria right behind her. Vic throws Molly out the ring, then they chase the other Heel Chicks away. England likes it.
Commercials. Oy. A new Paper Mario game... I wonder if it's on the Gamecube or the Gameboy? What? Ah, shaddap, the RPG scene is thin as paper on the XBox...
We're back with another Simon Dean spot. It's sorta funny that he's still calling people in 'this country' fat. Not true. It's England. THOSE people have fucked up teeth, but are on the average of average build... Reminds me of a joke: Who's the loneliest man in England?
Cut to a Sun Bus outside and they march four of the Page Three Girls out to say 'Welcome Back to Raw'. I wonder what that cost them?
Anyway, La Resistance comes to the ring next. They start trying to work the same old Canada=Bad heat. It fails. Regal comes out with a Union Jack and waves it Iron Shiek style. Crowd pops for the local boy and his Pet Window Licker.
Regal to start against Conway. They lock up and Regal shoves Rob to the Nearside for some brawlies. The crowd cheers everything Regal does. It's amazing. Regal works an armbar. Rob tries to fight free, but Regal clobbers him. Tag to Eugene. Grenier gets in to make it two on two. Regal and Eugene win it, and pick Sylvan up and use him for a battering ram on Conway. The heels work over Eugene a bit, then the crowd calls for Regal. A lot. Regal gets in and all hell breaks loose. No shit. Faster than I can type. Regal gets the blind tag in and outdraws the incoming beltshot from the champs with the brass knuckles. Regal knocks the shit out of Conway.
Regal and Eugene win the straps. The place goes apeshit.
APEshit, I say. Rah-thur.
We're back. Seems that Bischoff ordered the match restarted during the commercial. Now Conway is working Gene's arm something fierce, and then tosses him into the Farside. Grenier works over Eugene as Conway distracts the ref. Conway continues, working a wristlock, then an arm-wringer. Gene counters with the Manhattan Drop. Gene crawls to his corner, but Rob hangs onto him and tags in Grenier. Grenier works a few kneedrops and a Suplex, then tags Conway back in. Conway tells Eugene to fight him like a man. Gene tries, but is clubbed back down. Rob hits Regal on the apron.
Regal tries to get in, but is put out by the referee as La Resistance beats the shit out of Eugene. Conway tags in Grenier. Eugene with the hot tag. Regal beats the Quebecers to shit. He backdrops Sylvan. Gene's back in and he Rock Bottoms Conway. He goes for the Retard Elbow, then opts out so that Regal can land the Southpaw Elbow. Regal does. It gets two. The referee moves Eugene out of the ring, which gives Sylvan time to get the flag and lowblow Regal with it. Conway with a schoolboy. La Resistance Retains.
THANK you, Virgil Runnels. Kindly drop DEAD.
Commercials. Hey, look. Day After Tomorrow is on DVD. Sorry, kids. I know too much science to accept this as entertainment. How warming = freezing is still beyond me.
Cut to some crowd interviews of some of the Limeys in attendance, then La Resistance is marching down the back congratulating each other. Bischoff stops them. He says he's tired of saving them, and they fucked up with the wrecking of Eugene, so whomever of the three gets the shot at Triple H - the remaining two will face La Resistance.
Cut to Evolution pep rally. Dave says 'We've got your back. And your front.' Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Triple H calls Dave the 'future of this business', but can't do it with a straight face, so he masks it by chuckling with evil glee along with ol' Floppy.
Replay of Lita's interview and how she can't call Snitsky a Dead Man any better than Kane can. Also clips of Snitsky smashing Kane to little pieces with a lead pipe.
Snitsky live by satellite from Stamford. Ross asks him questions about what he did. It wasn't his fault. Kane is a bloodthirsty maniac and coming after him for things that are not his fault. He explains that Kane had threatened his life, saying a bunch about how he's a Dead Man. So Gene did a pre-emptive strike and hopefully backed the bastard up some. Snitsky then says that the only thing dead is Kane's Baby, and he'll make sure Kane gets the business come Taboo Tuesday. Gene then pantomimes rocking a baby while saying 'Waaah. Waaah.' Kane is not happy as he watches it on a monitor.
But Bobo is. Bobo is DAMN happy.
THANK YOU, GENE SNITSKY!!
We're back, and Hurricane and Rosie will face Venis and Richards. Kane comes out to put the breaks on it. (Not a typo) He flattens both teams, then gets a chair and re-flattens Venis. Then Rosie. Helms tries to get the chair away from him, and Kane swings it. Helms hangs on ALMOST the whole arc - flying outside the ring at the apex of it. Venis is crawling up the ramp yp escape, so Kane comes after him with the chair and beats him into the ground like a railroad spike. Kane then leaves.
Commercials. Van Helsing on DVD. No thanks. Vampire Hunter D and Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust are infinitely cooler.
Replay of Kane working out his frustrations on what was allegedly supposed to be a tag-match... During the break, the EMTs tote Venis out on a stretcher.
Replay of Orton RKO-ing everyone in sight. Then Orton comes out in another gold suit. Maybe the same one, I dunno. Garcia calls on the crowd to welcome him, so they do. Nowhere near the pop Regal got, but not too bad. Orton will be on Jimmy Kimmel Live, which I guess is an interview show. Hope it goes better than Goldberg on The Man Show... Shit, how COULDN'T it?
Orton talks about his mixed emotions facing Flair at Taboo Tuesday. On one hand, Flair cost him the Strap - and for that he WILL get even. On the other hand, he sees the shell of the man Flair's become, and he can't be angry. He feels pity. He is saddened. Because he wants to face the REAL Ric Flair, not the one that took a Backseat Ride with Evolution. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night #2).
Cue Flair's music. Flair comes out in a sharkskin suit to a decent pop. Orton gives him an intro to the Ladies and Gentlemen. Gets a pop. Flair asks if he heard right, and that Orton was saying he felt sorry for the Nature Boy? He gives us an anectode about how someone asked him how to spell Flair at a traffic stop, and Flair told him F-A-M-O-U-S. He says that Orton looks good all cleaned up with his suit and Rolex, and that it's a sign of success - however, Flair. Is. The. Man. England agrees as he pulls off the suitcoat and then says he's the original limousine flying, profiling son-of-a-gun. He then says he's kissed a lot of women in the last thirty years, and they REMEMBER because they kissed a LEGEND. (He neglects to lie that he was the original Nature Boy, but he IS old enough to call it into question, right?)
Flair challenges Orton's assertion that he's a Legend Killer. He calls Orton great, BUT but but but but a Legend Killer he's not. There's only the one Legendary Flair, and he says that if Orton beats him he'll let him ride in his limousine and give him a few chicks to ride in it with him. Orton says it's not needed, since he has his own limo, and he then strikes a pose before saying 'with this face, chicks aren't a problem'. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night #3. Hey, they're on a roll tonight, eh?)
He then says that the ones he's been with remember more than being kissed. The tow of them stare at each other from opposite ends of the arena a bit, and then...
Commercials. Team America World Police starts Friday, but is not yet rated because it has a couple puppets fucking in it. No, I'm not kidding.
King puts a plug in for the Sun, and is surrounded by four of the Page Three Girls. Lawler drools on them a bit, and then Jericho comes out. He will face Rhyno. Non-title match, by the way.
King is still drooling on the chicks as they say they'll have a Survivor Series Press Conference. No, I'm still not kidding... Jericho and Rhyno size each other up before Rhyno clamps on a Side Headlock. Jericho Irish Whips out of it. Rhyno knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Y2J back up as Rhyno goes to the farside for momentum, so Jericho hits the Leg Lariat. Rhyno and Jericho do some nice chain wrestling, then Rhyno knocks Jericho down again and hits a Falling Headbutt on him. Gets one.
Rhyno with the reverse chinlock to wear the quicker Y2J down a bit. Jericho gets up and tries to free himself with a couple elbows, but Rhyno clubs him down. Rhyno sends Jericho to the Face corner, then runs after him. Jericho leaps aside, so Rhyno bounces off the buckles. Jericho tries for the Walls. Rhyno kicks him off. Jericho goes to the ropes, and Rhyno Spinebusters him. Gets two.
Jericho and Rhyno trade brawlies a bit before Jericho finally downs the Rhybo long enough to hit the Lionsault. Rhyno is not very damaged by it. Jericho is in the Farside corner to regroup as Rhyno readies the GORE. Christian runs out and trips him up. Tomco and Christian beat Rhyno and Jericho up some. Coach comes out and makes it a tag-match, with Jericho and Rhyno against Tomco and the CLB. But first...
Commercials. Okay, now the Team America World Police thing is rated 'R' for crude and sexual situations involving puppets.
Rhyno in the working CLB over, but Christian puts him in the corner and lays in some shots to the belly. Christian celebrates a bit, so Rhyno clotheslines him and then tags in Jericho. Jericho with a long Delay Vertical Suplex, which he follows up with the One-Legged Pin. Gets two. Tags in Rhyno. Rhyno with a Gorilla Press Drop on CLB, then clobbers Tomco off the apron. Rhyno with a Scoop Slam, then climbs to the second buckle in the Farside. Tomco knocks him off ugly to the floor. Jericho tries to get in, but the ref detains him and Tomco tosses Rhyno back in, then goes back to his corner so Christian can tag him. Tomco with a pile of brawlies then tags in CLB. CLB with a Snapmare to a Reverse Chinlock, then he lets Rhyno go and slaps Jericho so the referee can put him on the apron while they work the doubleteam again.
Tag to Tomco, who's brawling Rhyno to little pieces, then Tomco distracts the ref so that Christian can choke Rhyno on the ropes. Tag to CLB, who picks Rhyno up by the hair and says "Whatcha gonna do, huh?" Rhyno knocks him upside the head and then flattens Christian with a Belly to Belly. Tag to Tomco - hot tag to Jericho. Jericho cleans house, then Slingshot Missile Dropkicks Christian off the apron. Rhyno GORES Tomco in the meanwhile, and the Jericho hits the Lionsault. Tomco is pinned. Christian tries to get some digs in on the Sore Loser card, but Jericho puts him in the Walls.
So Dave Batista comes out and beats Jericho up, then lays him out with the Sitout Powerbomb so he can pose a little with the IC Strap that he'll probably NEVER hold. Never.
Yes, I guess I am asking for it, at that... Nah. They couldn't be THAT dumb. Nah.
Small bit in there as Michaels explains to Benoit he's going to do what's best for him, like he always does. Benoit seems to want clarification. Could he be THAT dumb? The guy SAID IT HIMSELF! Benoit says that he's ALSO gonna do what he's gotta do to prove himself to the fans regarding his worthiness of a title shot. Edge interrupts the 'private discussion' to explain his saying last week that he's the only one that deserves the shot - and that he stands by the statement even today. Yeah, that'll sell the goddamn PPV. Sure.
Commercials. Mick Foley's written another kid's book. Starring kiddy-sized versions of folks like himself, Steph, Kurt, Al Snow and similar... No, I only WISH I was kidding.
Smackdown Rebound. Heidenreich ambushes UT to help Bradshaw retain the title. Then Bob Holly gets a win from Bradshaw after JBL bails out of the ring and gets counted out. Also, Cena beats up Carlito Cool, but gets cold-cocked by his own padlock and loses the title. Also noted, Cena was in an altercation in an after-hours club the other night, and is now in the hospital. They don't say it's not an angle, which means it is.
Ross and Lawler run down the Camella/Zombie match a bit, then we see some montage about it. Carmella's a pretty boring cocky heel. Heh. I said cocky. Ross then tells us the polls for Taboo Tuesday, which will be open until Taboo Tuesday - so HHH and La Resistance won't know who they'll fight until the show. Further rundown of the matches and our choices... I still wish I had my own in there. You do too. Admit it. JOIN me, and we'll rule the Universe as Father and...
OOps. Sorry. Got my geek-wires crossed a second there.
Cut to Evolution making their way to the ring.
Replay of some MORE folks while they were standing in line as the show returns (10:45), then finally cut to Benoit's intro. The crowd loves him. Probably because he trained with Davey Boy, and that makes him an Honorary Bulldog. Hey, if you're British you take whatever you can get, right? America for instance... Or Hong Kong... The trouble is KEEPING what you get, ain't it? Sure it is. Edge and HBK make their intros while I'm making fun of you Brits. You've seen them come to the ring before, right?
Then Evolution makes their way to the ring (10:48) and we'll hopefully start the match today... They do their posing and such, and then the bell rings (10:50) so Dave will start against Benoit. The crowd chants for HBK as Benoit lays in some brawlies on Dave. Dave knocks him down and tries for the Powerbomb. Benoit counters with a Double Leg Pickup which he tries to flow into the Sharpshooter, but Dave kicks him off. Dave lays in another couple shots, but Benoit backs him up and then tags in Edge.
The crowd boos. No shit. Dave and Edge brawl a bit, then Edge knocks Dave out of the ring with a Flying Tackle. We lose the sound feed as Edge tags in HBK. Crowd with a mild pop. HBK with some chops, but Dave knocks him down and then tags in Flair. The sound comes back as Flair brawls on HBK. HBK brawls free and then Back Body Drops Flair. HBK tags in Benoit, who Choppy-Woos Flair into oblivion. Flair Flop. Benoit gives Flair a Back Body Drop. Flair responds with a Knee Crusher. Benoit responds with the Figure Four. Evolution comes in to save, as does the other faces. All of Evolution is put into Figure Fours. The ref finally restores order, and Flair and Benoit spill outside. Flair with some Choppy Woo on the outside...
Commercials. (10:55) Buy some ugly ass wrestling figures from Jaks Pacific. The ring really bounces. Honest to God. I bought one and threw it against a wall. It didn't stick.
We're back (10:57) and HHH is brawling with Benoit. HHH with a Super Irish Whip, and it seems during the commercials Dave smashed Benoit against the apron. HHH with another Super Whip. Benoit collapses. HHH covers. Gets two. Tag to Dave. Dave with a Backbreaker. Gets two. Dave flings Benoit into the ropes and punches him in the back a couple times. He tries for three, but Benoit turns around and knocks Dave down with a Forearm. Benoit goes to the ropes and Dave Spinebusters him. Gets two before Edge makes the save. HHH is in the ring, but the referee didn't see the tag, and so eject him. Dave tags in HHH, who puts Benoit in a Delay Vertical Suplex. Tag to Flair for a kneedrop followed by a load of brawlies speckled with Choppy-Woo. Tag to Dave, who drags Benoit onto the apron so he can work him over from the floor a bit.
Dave back in and tags Flair. The Faces are trying to call for support, but the referee admonishes them so he can't see Flair Hook Kick Benoit in the junk. Benoit then put into the Figure Four. Benoit turns him into a tag to Dave. Dave clobbers on Benoit a bit, but Benoit hits the desperation Enzuigiiri. Both men crawling to their corners. Tag to HHH. Tag to HBK. HHH gets a Back Body Drop, then a Manhattan Drop. Flair in, so he gets a Manhatten Drop too. HBK knocks HHH down and all six men are going at it all over the place. HHH tries for the Pedigree, but HBK Back Body Drops him to counter as Edge caroms Dave off the ringpost. Benoit hits the Headbutt on the Game from the top. Edge steals a tag as Michaels Strikes up the Band...
Edge charges in and HHH knocks him down and starts to go for the Pedigree, so Michaels feeds him the Superkick. Edge gets the win. He then gets a mic and explains how he just proved it is he that deserves the nod for the title shot. He then says votes for Benoit or HBK are votes wasted. Benoit takes umbrage and says he's made HHH tap, and he'll sure as HELL do it again. HBK asks for the stick, and then explains that he's been beating up HHH for ten years in and out of the ring (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night #4). HBK calls for a poll from the house crowd, talking up our options for who to vote in to the Championship Match. He takes a couple extra seconds talking himself up, so Edge spears him. Benoit is prepared to mix it up, but Bischoff comes out and tells us when the polling starts - and to get the idea across to the fans we'll have a Triple Threat Match next week with Edge, Benoit and Michaels. Benoit nods thoughtfully then checks on HBK's condition, so Edge spears him too. Edge goes up the ramp still insisting it's his time next.
Taboo Tuesday is shaping up to be a STAGGERING commercial failure. Probably not as bad as the XFL was, but it's not gonna help Vince's bottom line much, either.
And that's the rundown from your old pal, Bobo....
You're welcome. See you SOON.