Hello, my intended...
Well, if any of you went with the 'smart money' about whether I'd be stupid enough to do this Raw Recap thing again this week, consider it flushed. Anyone remember Tom Zenk? I have a lot in common with that guy. See, when wrestling sucked back in the Ole' days, he soaked up a load of shit and faced it with a stern determination that they would never force him out. "Pin me and pay me, but you can't make me quit," he said as his career roared into the crapper forever. This created a bitter hatred that he used to make himself a veritable internet deity, and probably a tell-all book any day now. God knows nothing could stop him from writing, but writing for free is another matter...
"But Bobo, you said you had a lot in common with Zenk..."
Don't rush me, crunchbone.
Anyway, it was that refusal to be beaten by a shitty situation that made Tom Zenk much more 'heroically over' than the 'Z-Man' goodguy character could ever hope to be... at least as far as I was concerned. See, I'd soaked up a lot of seriously shitty situations myself, and similarly refused to cave in out of sheer mule-stubbornness. Sure, I don't get my balls squeezed by Big Van Vader, but I go through my own versions of it. We all do, really.
That's why Zenk never quit... And it's why I won't. Tell the smart money to fuck off for me, okay? Then tell the guys that bitch and moan that there's nothing left to say about wrestling they can have the sloppy seconds. You know why? They're being Shane Douglas. Bitch up, hitch up, and scram style jobbers with delusions of grandeur. Wrestling as 'entertainment' is a huge bag of crap, sure. We're probably never going to enjoy wrestling like we did when we first became fans, but to use that loss of 'innocence' as an excuse to throw up our hands and throw in the towel on wrestling?
You hear me, Vince? You can't make ME quit. You might manage to make the rest of the fuckin' internet scene roll over and die of apathy - but Bobo will NEVER quit. Accept it. Now roll up your sleeves, and let's square off, shall we?
Tonight's Raw will be broadcast from the Mohegan Sun Casino - and according to the little blurb ten minutes to showtime, the only match booked is Goldberg vs. Mark Henry. They also mentioned the thing about Triple H putting the $100,000 bounty on the head of Goldberg before wondering whether Henry would pursue the title or the dough. Anyone remember when Goldberg put a hundred grand of HIS own money up for a fight with Stone Cold on Leno?
Didn't think so...
Raw begins with the standard intro sequence, and then cuts straight to a replay of HHH putting his money on the line and trying to make with the Cerebral Assasssin thing to turn Goldberg into a paranoid jangle of nerves. Looks to Hunter that the Game just got more interesting... Yeah, of course it would, but you're the only guy in THAT boat, Levesque. Sorry. You can't stay over by Jetson Phone.
And here comes Kane to start the show proper (Must.. Not... Laugh...) and he'll be wrestling tonight. Goody. I'd rather have that than him on the stick threatening kids. Quick replay of Kane getting ready to show some kid in the audience his pain and then crushing Hurricane. And here comes Rosey now. Samoan Drop on Kane, followed by the Big Splash made popular by the likes of Kamala and King Kong Bundy - both of whom are more over RIGHT NOW than Rosey will EVER be. Kick to Kane's chest on his Zombie Situp... Now Rosey's making with the brawlies, and missed a clothesline. Kane feeds the Trainee a Big Boot following up with the brawlies on Rosey in the corner. The Big Red Machine throws Rosey to another corner to dish up a lariat to the back of his dome. Now a backdrop suplex and some punching that knocks off Rosey's mask, spoiling his secret identity. Rosey battling back, and Kane's getting waffled. Kane tries a Spinebuster, but makes it so poor looking it's sad. Damn that Rosey guy must be heavy, huh? Kane tries for the top clothesline, but misses. Rosey throws him into the corner and gives him a splash... Kane's wobbled... Rosey comes off the ropes - and into a chokeslam. Match over. Hurricane rushes out to save the day, and gets a chokeslam of his very own.
Now Shane's coming out from the crowd, and he knocks Kane out of the ring and scrams. Yeah, that's great. Have the Boss's son able to do what Hurricane and Rosey COMBINED couldn't... You know, if you listen REAL close, you can hear the toilet flush on those two... Maybe it's just my kickass Dolby?
Back to the show, and Kane accosts some dweeb about the whereabouts of Shane, then tosses him away in a huff and starts searching the parking lot - and then the production truck. He looks left and right, then grabs a pipe. Shane shows himself, and Kane chases him to the limo. Shane jumps in, and Kane starts smashing windows to get in there, before crawling into the open sunroof. (Duh...) Shane scrambles out the front seat, and rigs the limo to drive Kane into a parked freight trailer for a nice crash-test dummy deal. At least Kane's got the haircut for it, right? "We've just witnessed a horrific accident," says JR aghast. (That's a lot of concern to show for a guy that set him on fire a while back, idnit?)
"That was no accident, JR. That was on purpose..." King says somberly as we fade to commercials.
God, I just LOVE these worked shoots, don't you? Yes, I'm kidding.
Back from commercials, and we get to see Kane doing a DAMN FINE impersonation of Lady Di amidst the twisted wreckage. And then for laughs we get it from about five different camera angles. Remember the bit where Buckwheat got shot on Saturday Night Live? That's what this reminds me of, I swear.
Stone Cold is on the scene, and one of the firemen tells him to hit the bricks and let them do their job with the ol' Jaws of Life... But in the meantime, let's see Gail Kim - Woman of Bronze (Jesus, that's a tan Asian, huh?) and Molly is gonna be doing guest commentary. Yay. Kim gets to face... Lita. Lita? Goodie, someone that Kim is a better wrestler than. I knew they had SOMEONE who could make the Green Girl look good in there somewhere. You should see that crappy ensemble on Lita... It's like Cyndi Lauper turned dyke at the Army surplus store. Lita with a front facelock, a few weak looking kneelifts, and a suplex. Lita with a VERY gayish cover, putting her muff in Kim's face in a modified double prawn bridge that gets a two count. Lita continues the offense with a Front Slam. Kim responds with a very sloppy kneedrop, and follows up with a resthold chinlock and then a Slaughter neck wrench. She gets two for it, then puts Lita in the ropes for some strangling, and then a Dragon Sleeper. Lita manages to kick free, but eats a seated dropkick from the wily Asian, who then applies a standing surfboard on the Lita... Lita manages to power free and then take Kim down with a Side Russian Legsweep. Kim now eating a few spots, and Lita tries for teh Twist of Fate, but fails... She tries again, and settles for a DDT. And wins. Now Lita's calling down to Molly at the desk, but they've wisely not given her a mic. I'm astounded. That's the first time in like six years they've ever expected us to believe the DDT was a viable Finisher.
And we're back to them prying Kane out of the wreckage, and now the police are there - as is Bischoff. The cops push Bischoff away from the scene, and we cut to a previously taped HHH with a trail of Benjamins to the leatherette case holding the alleged hundred grand. He begins yammering about the stuff that the dough could buy - cars, clothes, women... Maybe even a spot in Evolution. Say, that's funny. Let's see them put that on E-Bay. "As a famous man once said, 'Everyone has his price,'" intones HHH... Wait a second, doesn't WWe own the rights to Million Dollar Man - and his catchphrases? I don't think I care anymore, and they then go to commercials. Thanks boys. You guys in the truck are really stepping up today, huh? This pleases me.
And we're back, and here comes HBK to Stone Cold's office to demand Mark Henry tonight. Austin can't comply, since Henry's IN a match, and Michaels decides to take things into his own hands - and gets the blessings of Stone Cold. "So go do it," was the executive decision from everyone's favorite redneck. Everyone but mine, mind you, but I digress.
Steiner and Stacy come out, and Stacy looks pretty crestfallen. Steiner mumblefishes about only caring about his freaks and his peaks, and when his freaks get outta line he just gotta do something about it. How pimp, Pump. He then rambles about how Stacy cost him his matches and got him into spots where he had to take orders, and since she should KNOW he isn't the type to take orders from ANYBODY he wants an apology from Stacy - on her knees. That should be Bischoff's cue - and it is. Eric is glad to have the Papa Pump that HE knew back at long last, and to celebrate he'll hand pick Steiner's next opponent. Then we go to commercial. Yes, again.
When we come back, Steiner is giving Little Spike the Big Gorilla treatment, and from there we cut to the firemen finally getting Kane onto the stretcher and into the ambulance. The ambulance with no medical supplies on it, I might add. Then we see the ambulance pull away, and then cut back to your regularly scheduled Dudley-Drubbing already in progress. Steiner gives Spike the Oklahoma Crush into the corner, and Spike fights back with a battering ram into BPP's midsection, followed by a Dudley Dogg attempt that Steiner reverses into a backdrop. He then gets off an ugly/sloppy Samoan Drop attempt and picks up the three-count. Steiner then drapes Spike onto the corner and dumps him down in that Samoan Drop from the Top he does... And the rest of the Dudleyz run out and serve up some assbeat on Pump to the delight of the former Duchess of Dudleyville. Then Test makes the save and pulls Steiner and Stacy away to the warning curses of Bubba Ray about not to ever mess with their brother again.
Cut to La Resistance plotting on how that hundred grand could buy a lot of bread and cheese, so they attack Goldberg. He destroys them in short order, going so far as to beat them upside their pates with their own flag.
Now the towtruck is backing up to get the wreckage, and we have a witness on hand (yeah, him and everybody) to the carnage with Shane and Kane. Bischoff suggests that if Kane dies, it's on Austin's head... Remember? Austin was the one that coaxed the monster back out of Kane. Trust me. And that segues nicely into Christian, Jericho, Storm and Coachman coming out to Jericho's music as the New Four Dorkmen. Y2J tries to put over the whole 'atrocity' with Kane as being the fault of a reckless and powermad Austin. Jericho further mentions about they're in Connecticut tonight (home of WWe's Corporate Offices, donchaknow), and makes a passionate plea to the WWe Directors in attendance and watching at home to strip Austin of his power. The other guys are there to testify about how Austin ruined their careers.
Coachman's first, whinging about Austin giving 'his boy J.R.' a rematch and subsequent travesty of justice resulting in him no longer being the voice of Raw. Then Christian starts whining about pinning RVD at Unforgiven, then Austin calling him a creepy little bastard in an attempt to turn the Peep-ulation against him and then books him in a ladder match that cost him the title. Christian then shows clips of the ladder match last week where he lost the IC title. Christian closes it with saying he hates Austin's guts... And now we go to Storm, whom Austin called 'Boring' and forced him to be an ass-basket to the comedy stylings of Goldust. Jericho calls for Storm to testify, but it's a swervie! Storm is happy now, for the first time in his career. Austin changed his life for the better, and Jericho's a jackass. They then turf Lance like crazy, and Austin runs in - but can't do anything to stop them. RVD then runs out and chases them all away with wild swinging of the IC Title, and Austin gets the mic...
Austin calls on the crowd to back him with the board of directors regarding rescinding his inability to attack the talent - and in the meantime Austin then makes a tag match with Storm and RVD vs. Jericho and Christian. RIGHT NOW. Well, after a beer. And some commercials...
Viewtiful Joe looks kinda fun, but 'Henshin-a-go-go' is a retarded tagline. (Henshin is Japanese for 'Transformation', BTW.) Oops, it's on Gamecube. Well, I guess I'll wait until Christmas when I can get ir for ten bucks in the bargain bin... Heh. Just so you know, Nintendo has halted production of the Gamecube because nobody's buying the ones they've got stacked to the rafters in the warehouse.
Back to the match, and Christian and Jericho are team-stomping RVD. Christian with a couple kicks, but RVD gets clear and tags in Storm. Storm makes with some leg-lariats, then gets Christian in a rollthrough to the single-leg crab he used to use for his finisher, but Jericho breaks it up with a facebuster. RVD in to clear house with his usual kickspots to send the Chrises to the outside and then RVD hits them both with a pescado. Christian and Jericho manage to get in and doubleteam Storm in the confusion, but Storm gets the better of Jericho and climbs to the top turnbuckle. He then knocks Christian away from interfering, but gets waffled by Jericho to the floor ugly. Jericho pulls the foam off the barrier and then drops Lance onto it. They get back into the ring, and Christian gets tagged in in time to Powerslam Lance, and clamp on a Reverse Chinlock. RVD tries to make the save, but only succeeds in putting Storm in a doubleteam spot in the heel's corner. Hot tag to RVD, and it's a ton of highspots leading to RVD putting Rolling Thunder on Christian and Jericho laying on the mat in a 69... No, I wish I <b>WAS</b> kidding. Five Star on Christian, but he's not the legal man. Jericho with a Lionsault on the confused RVD, who tries to battle back with a hurancunrana - only to get caught in the Boston Crab they call the Walls now... RVD refuses to tap, and struggles to the corner - making the tag to Storm unbeknownst to Jericho. Maple Missile Dropkick to the back of Lionheart's head, and Lance picks up the three-count.
Ross and Lawler speculate on the Main Event with Goldberg and Henry, and J.R. suggests that Henry is more powerful than Goldberg, but he doesn't know if that'll be enough to get it done. Now some commercials, and then we return for some more replays of the car wreck earlier... Twenty-five years of doing this job, and Ross has never seen anything like this. Rundown on the stuff that Kane did to 'deserve' getting Limo-nated, with Lawler playing Devil's Advocate and Ross admitting both that he's not unbiased and he doesn't know anything anymore... That alone makes me wish I was taping this, but I digress... Cut to the Playas Club speaking about the match with Henry and Goldberg tonight, and how Henry will get the dough and the title. Ya feel me? Me neither. And ANOTHER commercial break as Evolution (Flair and Orton) make their way to the ring.
And now we're back as Evolution just now makes it to the ramp - Wow, the lockers must be a LONG way from the ring, or Flair is an old fart... Or both. And they get to face Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade (who?). Orton and Cade start it off, and Flair goes 'whoo' as Ortin works and armtwist with a couple hairpull takedowns... Now Cade is getting brawled to crap, with some rights and a Euopean uppercut... Tag to Jindrak, who makes with the brawlies. Tag to Flair, who makes with the chops and Jindrak is in trouble in the corner. Some more chops, and Jindrak reverses an Irish whip and takes Flair down in a back bodydrop. Flair pulled to a vertical base and sent to the ropes for a dropkick, but Flair hangs onto the ropes and the kid hits the mat just like he would if the dropkick CONNECTED, but is somehow hurt by missing. Flair takes the opportunity and attempts the Figure Four, but it's reversed to an inside cradle for two before Orton makes the save. Tag to Cade, and he makes a good try, but Flair gets a tag to Orton and Orton gets that Hangman's Backbreaker off to put Cade in peril. Tag to Flair for some stomping. Tag to Orton for some brawling. Cade to the corner for an Armdrag, but he reverses it into a bulldog. Tag to Flair - hot tag to Jindrak. Backdrops on both members of Evolution and Flair is subsequently thrown the corner; but Cade gets a back elbow for rushing in... Cade and Jindrak get off that Team Finish they do (Dropkick and Bearhug Front Slam Combo) but the ref is distracted just enough for Orton to rush in and dish up the RKO. Evolution wins.
Now we get some blurbs about how the Rock is doing the talkshow circuit to hype his new movie. Duane does a pretty good impression of Schwarzenegger on Regis, and similar shilling of 'The Rundown'. I still don't care. You? Right, then.
Maven confronts Evolution about their 'great win' against Cade and Jindrak, and Naitch basically tells him to pound sand and get out of his face. Maven gets huffy, and challenges Flair for next week. Flair accepts, since he's had more Championships than Maven's had women. Y'know what? So have I. Next up is a mixed tag match with Victoria and Stevie against Trish and Maven... Stevie and Maven to start, and Richards with a kneelift, then a forearm to the back, then tries for a lariat but gets a Manhatten Drop and a Dropkick. Tag to Victoria. Tag to Trish. Thesz Press and Punches on Victoria, and Vic tries to battle back with a lariat but Trish dodges Matrix-style and ankle-scissors Victoria to the mat. Tosses Vic to the corner for the Handstand spot, but Stevie runs in and punches Teish in the ribs to make the save. Victoria now in control and bashes Trish pillar to post, getting a couple two-counts in the deal. Trish in the corner dodges Victoria coming in for a shoulderblock and reverses to a sunset flip for two. Trish with a stiff spinebuster for another two, and Stevie makes the save, setting Trish up for a DDT but getting (what else?) a dropkick from Maven. Tags to the men, and Maven wins it with a (wait for it) Dropkick from the top. Victoria throws Trish into the steps in retaliation, and Maven makes the save with help from the ref. Victoria scrams with Stevie in tow. It is now 10:56pm, and we're going to commercial as Henry starts the long walk to the quick job with dreams of Mo Money dancing in his head.
Henry's coming down the ramp at 10:59, and he should get there by 11:02... Heh. Teddy Long and Charles Robinson having words, and Rodney Mack is ejected. Long (a licensed manager) is allowed to stay. Hey, it's a Non-Title Match now? Well, Mark, you can still get the money, right? Suuuure. Henry takes the early offense, bulling Bill to the ropes and taking him down with a clothesline. Throws him to the corner and hits him with a forearm. Henry then Press Slams Bill, but Goldberg tries to battle back. Three lariats and some kicking later and he just can't knock the big man down. Henry gets off a Side Effect, then Goldberg battles back again - this time knocking Henry down with a running forearm that they call a clothesline. Henry gets off another few big clubbing shots and Bill's in the ropes. Henry with the old Bossman Straddle on Goldie in the ropes that somehow he manages to slide across Bill's back to the outside. I wonder if that was on purpose..? Bill's in trouble. Henry back in the ring and gets off a Shoulderbreaker. Then he puts on a seated half-nelson/wristlock/chickenwing, but Goldberg reverses it into a rollthrough cross-armbreaker. Henry makes it to the ropes, and the two of them shakily get to their feet, neither all that used to working a whole three minutes in a row. Goldberg tries for a slam, but fails. Mack bulls Goldie into the corner, but Goldberg charges out and scoopslams Henry to a pretty good pop. Now Rodney Mack runs out and hits Goldie with a chair for the DQ. Michaels runs out to make the save, and Superkicks Mack flat. Michaels then gets into the ring as Goldberg barely manages to Jackhammer Henry. In the resulting fustercluck, Michaels gets in there and hauls Henry to a vertical base but Henry promptly clamps HBK in a bearhug. Goldberg tries to make the save as Michaels frees himself with a rake of Henry's eyes. Henry staggers to the side and Goldberg spears the Heartbreak Kid out of his boots. That's the end.
This was a pretty subpar Raw all told... However, they've managed to create some build for a few matches next week. I'm personally looking forward to watching Flair pin Maven's ears back, but Flair will probably job to piss me off. Henry was WINNING that match when Mack ran in, so I'm pretty darn bothered by the Monster Wagon losing a wheel with a SECOND screwjob win, but the two of them actually put on a MUCH better match together than I dared expect of them, so it was a pleasant surprise. Of course, that didn't save the show like the Main Event did last week, but it tried. Another one bites the dust, and that's it for your old pal Bobo for now... See ya next week.
You're welcome. See you SOON.