Hello, my intended...
Well, not much to report about the Smackdown PPV. Not that nobody cares about Smackdown, it's just... Um... Okay, you got me.
Now folks, I'm gonna say this much. I caught the Youth Debate with Bradshaw and Foley. I suggest you do the same, because - much as I think Bradshaw needs an icepick forced through his ear canal - the fucking goon was goddamn entertaining. I shit you not. If you don't believe me, and God knows I wouldn't believe it in your shoes, then trot over to WWe and check out the streaming video replay of its entirety. Or just click this link. I'm pretty sure WWe won't mind me linking, since it's spreading the message they're so hot to get out.
Besides, it'll cost Vince money for the bandwidth, and costing Vince money is the sinister aim of all us pain in the ass online types. Go watch it. Hell, watch it a couple times.
Foley was also very good, but Mick usually delivers on the stick, so I expected him to do as such here. He did. It was informative and entertaining, with very little of the Partisan Drum Beating overall. I may even do a recap of it after I finish the Def Jem 2 - Fight for New York review.
Speaking of videogames, I've noted that Acclaim has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy - which is the one that lets them sell off their assets themselves. Vince would do well to take note of this, not just because Acclaim (or Ack! LAME! as those of us that dared buy their games pronounced it)had a fairly visible partnership with WWe over the years, but because Acclaim - much like WWe - stayed their usual course and put out the same old crap year after year as though they'd be around forever.
Which proves once and for all that it doesn't fucking work as a business strategy. You can only bleed money for so long, chilluns. You can only count on a dwindling 'core' customer base for so long. And you can only alienate prospective fans with putting out huge piles of boring bullshit for so long before...
Well, before it's 'So Long'.
Kinda cute, wasn't it? That's the sort of shit that got me this gig, friends; and kept it for closing in on two years now. It's not everyone that can stretch 'Holy shit, why are we still watching this crap?' for a couple thousand words every week. How is it that I can do such a strangely amazing task?
Because I'm a fucking IDIOT, that's why.
Tonight's Raw comes at us from Madison Square Garden in New York City, and the match they've got advertised is Shawn Michaels versus Christian. I guess HBK got bored just holding down Jericho, eh? Oh, and Kane returns. I'm sure that's got everybody all.. sad. Before we get started in earnest, I have one last thing to say...
THANK YOU, GENE SNITSKY!!
Eric's picture is booed.
Replay of the whole Flair teased turn and subsequent Orton punking.
Standard Raw Intro. Flair kicking Orton in the dingding is actually part of the montage... Sheesh.
First to the ring will be Evolution's Flair and HHH. Both are in suits, so I figure it'd be a good time to see who won the cointoss on the football game, but stick with the bullshit session instead. Because I'm an idiot, remember?
Flair gets the mic and asks to be allowed to clarify himself and his actions last week, and restates his position that HHH is the greatest wrestler alive. But now he says he was wrong - HHH is the greatest wrestler of ALL TIME, and Flair is the only person that is qualified to say that. He also says that Bischoff has barred Orton from the building for safety reasons, and to allow him to recover from last week's ass-whuppin'.
Flair then restates the digs on HBK and Foley, and calls Orton a virgin at killing Legends - and asks if Orton knows how many virgins ol' Naitch has made bleed, holler and scream ALL NIGHT LONG? It's his specialty, donchaknow? We're also told that Flair and Orton will be going at each other on Taboo Tuesday, and Orton will be HIS all night... LONG. Wooo.
He passes the mic to HHH so Hunter can bitch and complain about the fans making 'those kinds of decisions', and takes some potshots at the guys in the front row and their alleged ability to make such weighty decisions. He thinks it's sad that it could come down to a sixteen year old kid still holding a grudge that their mom took a ride on Space Mountain? Blah Blah Blah, you think you have the power to do what you like? Well, to quote an overrated Hollywood actor, "It doesn't MATTER what you like!". He also calls Taboo Tuesday a joke and a sham...
Jericho interrupts. He's wearing black and pink, which makes me smile. He tells us not to adjust our sets, this is NOT a repeat, hard as it may be to believe with HHH yet AGAIN bitching and crying about Taboo Tuesday. He then tells HHH that an interactive PPV is not a bad thing, because everyone's got a right to vote. So to prove it, he'll take a poll.
Who here thinks HHH is the greatest wrestler today? Boos.
Who here thinks HHH is the greatest wrestler of all time? Boos.
Who here thinks HHH is the biggest horse's ass walking the face of the earth? Pops.
Jericho also tells HHH to take his crying show on the road, and tells us that the guy that actually came up with the idea for the interactive PPV, and the whole shebang? Y2J. So suck on that you SANCTIMONIOUS SON OF A BITCH. Flair calls Jericho to the ring for Flair and HHH to work on. Jericho exits, but returns with a chair.
Batista backjumps him, and tosses him in for the three on one. Benoit to the rescue. Numbers bring Benoit down. Edge evens things up, and when the dust settles, Edge spears HHH inside out. HHH bails to the outside as they cue Edge's music... Oh, come on, you KNEW that HHH wanted to
devaluework a program with Edge. This is the setup...
Commercials. Team America: World Police. Stone and Parker rape the shit out of our puppet adventure-show memories for cheap laughs and political commentary. It'll probably be funnier than Fahrenheit 9/11, and funny is how we prefer our propaganda. Ask Walt Disney if you don't believe me.
Coach interviews Christian and the Goat. CLB talks some shit about MSG and how it's allegedly HBK's home away from home. This only proves how stupid New Yawkas are for clinging to the memories of HBK's WM10 Ladder Match in MSG, which HBK lost, instead of Christian's WM20 appearance, which he won. They then leave to 'steal the show'.
Michaels' gets his Sexy Boy intro, and I raise an eyebrow at HBK jerking the curtain. I wonder who he pissed off? Bad enough to be working a program against Christian, but to jerk the curtain, too? Wow. Tomco and Christian make their way to the ring, and the CLB conferences with the Goat before getting into the ring.
Ref checks them both, then rings the bell. Christian talks some smack, and HBK slaps him. HBK chops CLB down, and they run the ropes before HBK chops him down again and clamps him in a side headlock takeover. Christian tries a Backdrop Suplex, but HBK reverses the flow and takes him back down without ever releasing the headlock. Christian finally gets back up, and knocks HBK to the mat. He kicks him some in the leg, then puts him in the nearside corner. Christian with an Irish Whip, but HBK counters with a Thesz Press, sprinkled with punches. Both men back up, and CLB gets in a right hand, then works Michaels over in the Heel corner with brawlies before tossing him to the Farside and choking him. Several chopping rights from CLB, then he whips HBK to the nearside and charges after him.
HBK ducks, and Christian eats the buckles. Tomco hops onto the apron, and HBK forearms him back to the floor. Strike up the Band... Tomco just BARELY pulls Christian to the outside to save him from the Superkick. HBK comes out to the floor and puts CLB in a Swinging Neckbreaker, then Superkicks the Problem Solver flat.
CLB has HBK in a reverse chinlock, and Tomco is no longer at ringside. He had to be helped to the back. Michaels bounced CLB off the barrier, and tried a slingshot plancha, but CLB dodges and that turns the tide... Christian puts HBK in the Heel corner and hits a Reverse DDT from the top, which gets two. He stands on HBK's head while the Showstopper is neckfirst on the ropes. Christian hits a kick and then a backbreaker, which he flows into a Reverse Chinlock.
HBK fights free, but CLB backbreakers him. Gets two. CLB goes for another Pendulum Backbreaker. HBK somersaults out of trouble, and they both run the ropes. They collide. The ref makes the ten-count and gets to nine before CLB is up. Christian knocks HBK back down, but HBK kips up and gives him the Manhattan Drop, the Mounted Punches in the Face corner, followed by a Back Body Drop. Christian tries the Unprettier. HBK gets loose. They chain back and forth a bit, and Christian finally hits the Unprettier. Gets two and a half. Christian climbs the buckles, but Michaels tosses him off and hits the big Elbow Drop. He doesn't cover, instead he Strikes up the Band. Christian gets shakily to his feet. Superkick hits. Michaels wins.
Who's surprised? (crickets chirping) Right, then.
Commercials. A new Mortal Kombat game? Yay. Like they haven't pumped that well dry already? X-Box Nation magazine gave it a 5/10, and the game looks best on Xbox, so you can tell how well it'll do in the other game rags. Maybe they should have a label on it? Danger: Shitbags Your Memories of How Cool This Was Twelve Years Ago In Order To Steal Your Money. Again.
Blockbuster news a-breaking. Ross says Benoit will face Batista, and Jericho will face HHH. Ross says that we all know that Lita lost Hurricane's baby (God Bless Live TV) and we'll have her first interview since The Tragedy, with her and Grisham...
Lita talks wistfully about feeling the baby moving inside of her, and that it was the only thing innocent in all of this... And now (snif) now she will never know what her baby boy looks like. (Um. You could check any anti-abortion website, honey...) She will never hold him. He was taken away from her, by Snitsky. Grisham relays that Snitsky said it wasn't his fault... Lita flips out. "Whose fault IS IT, THEN?" She says she's got no love for Kane, but THIS time she hopes he does what he said he would do... Snitsky is a DEAD MAN.
Cut to Bischoff talking to some chick off camera... Coach comes in, and asks if Bischoff is sure he can honestly trust... HER? Eric says not to worry about it, and tells Coach to go find Eugene and then do the interview segment. With Snitsky. Coach begs off, since Kane's there tonight, it might get all dangerous in there. Eric suggests that Ross do the honors instead. Coach is pleased. Eric is pleased. I am pleased, if only for the POSSIBILITY of Ross getting set on fire again.
Ross is in the ring, and calls Snitsky to join him. Snitsky comes out pushing a baby-stroller... That's fucking GREAT, I tells ya. Fucking GREAT. Lawler says he's seen some things in his day, but this is as tasteless as they come... Hey, Jerry, at least he didn't FUCK anyone's baby... Like YOU did. A couple times... Snitsky puts the stroller in the ring, and then tells Ross that 'It wasn't his fault.'
Kane comes to the top of the ramp. Snitsky looks ready to scramble. Kane comes to the ring, and Gene throws the carriage at Kane. Kane swats it aside, and it seems Snitsky has a pipe. He beats Kane to little pieces with it, then shows the bald-headed goon what a 'Nutcase Face' is SUPPOSED to look like before choking Kane with the pipe. Kane's busted open, and Snitsky leaves him shattered and spread-eagled in the ring.
Like I always say... If you wanna beat a crazy fuck, Go get a BIGGER... CRAZIER Fuck. In just under a month, Snitsky has stolen Kane's nutjob gimmick and ran like the wind with it. Like the fucking WIND.
This pleases me.
Replay of Snitsky smashing Kane with a lead pipe, and during the commercials Kane staggered to the dressing room.
Benoit comes out to try and pull a watchable match out of Dave. Good luck, Crippler. If you can pull one out of Sid Eudy, you can do just about anything... Just about.
Dave comes to the ring with Flair in tow. Yeah, Dave needs all the help he can get - against a guy HALF HIS FUCKING SIZE... OOoo. Scary, huh?
Of COURSE NOT.
They lock up, and Dave pushes Benoit to the corner. Benoit shoves him. Dave shoves him back. Benoit clamps on the Crossface. Dave skitters under the ropes and to the floor. Dave back in and tries a lariat, but Benoit slides between his legs and then dropkicks him down. Benoit works the legs of Batista with a flurry of kicks, but Dave breaks it up with a Spinebuster, then a few kneedrops to the lower back. Dave picks up Benoit and Backbreakers him again, then goes for the cover. Gets two. Dave tries a Scoop Slam. Benoit slips out and takes Dave down. Benoit tries for the Sharpshooter. Dave kicks him away. Dave back up and tries another punch. Benoit ducks it and counters with a Backdrop Suplex. Benoit with the Triple German. Flair on the apron. Benoit knocks him off.
Benoit tries to pick Dave up in a headlock, but Dave shoves him outside to Flair. Flair with a kick to the jingles, then bounces Benoit off the ringpost. Flair rolls Benoit back in for Dave to finish off. Randy Orton runs in and beats Dave and Flair up. Dave wins by DQ.
Bischoff comes out with ten security guys and they drag Orton away. Dave knocks down some of them to get at Orton. Flair knocks one down too, failing to pick up the spare... Bedlam ensues.
Bischoff is in the ring, and he tells us that Orton has been successfully tossed out of his building. He then takes a moment to bitch about Taboo Tuesday, and that 'you people' will decide who HHH will face. What sort of match Flair and Orton will have... And since Snitsky did so well, he'll face Kane in a 'Weapon of Choice Match'.
A. A Lead Pipe.
B. A Steel Chair.
C. A Steel Chair.
Bobo still loves live TV. A whole lot.
Bischoff says that since Jericho is so happy HHH has to prepare for three different guys, and since he thought that was SO funny, Eric will have EVERY other superstar not having a match be eligible to face Jericho. Then he bitches about the Eugene match again, and calls Eugene out again.
Eugene complies, and the crowd pops. Bischoff says that 'While this may sound impossible, someone in the back has a crush on him' and asks if Eugene would like to meet her. Eugene says yes. It's Carmella.
Eric says that Carmela should have won the Diva Search, and says that she has a match at Taboo Tuesday with the Zombie. He then reminds Eugene that Carmella was in Playboy, and that she wants to tell Eugene something... She gets the mic, and says that Eugene is SO hot... Except for one thing. She loves Bald Men, and if he were bald, he'd be PERFECT. Eugene considers it as Bischoff suggests that if they go to the head shave match, and Eugene loses on purpose - Carmella could be his girlfriend. Eugene goes for it, on one condition. That 'his girlfriend' kisses him NOW. She balks. Eugene says he'll settle for seeing her boobies. Carmella says it wasn't part of the deal, because Eugene and all these people are not in the same league as she. She is the Playmate of the Year.
Bischoff says that while this hasn't turned out as well as he hoped, he admires her spirit and so her match is still on for Taboo Tuesday. Eric says that he's sorry that Carmella doesn't really like him, but the fact is that NOBODY likes Eugene. Eugene is sad.
The Zombie comes out and shoves Carmella on her ass, then she kisses Eugene. Then she jumps onto him and kisses him again. Big. Then she takes Eugene by the hand and leads him to the back... Eugene looks happy. I guess he'll be a Zombie soon, too. But - and I hate to recycle a joke this soon - How the FUCK would we know the DIFFERENCE?
La Resistance is in the ring, and Conway is trying to sing the Canadian National Anthem. They will face... Hurricane and Rosey. For the Titles...
Helms and Conway start it off, Conway with an Arm-wringer that he parlays to a side headlock. Helms gets loose and Neckbreakers Rob. Sylvan runs in, and Rosey wrecks him. Helms and Rosey hit a Doubleteam Legdrop. Helms climbs the buckles, but Grenier knocks him off. All hell breaks loose, and La Resistance hits Au Revoir on Helms. Pins him. Rosey finally gets into the ring and he crushes La Resistance with clotheslines. Conway hops on Rosey's back and turns his mask around so that Rosey can't see. Helms knocks Conway out of the ring, and then tries to assist Rosey. Rosey hits his Samoan Sidewalk Slam on Rosey out of pure reflex, then adjusts his mask so he can see again - and is distraught he'd crushed his little buddy.
Cut ot a quick fluff segment for all the good work WWe has done for the Make a Wish Foundation.
Commercials. When someone dies in a state of terror - a Curse is born. Sarah Michelle Gellar will star in 'The Grudge'. How these things are related is beyond me.
Simon Dean segment. "Hi, my name is Simon Dean - and chances are: I don't like you." Simon says bad things about fat people.
Replay of the Edge bit from the top of the show.
Coach talks about it. With Edge. He asks why the fans should vote for him instead of HBK or Benoit. Edge says because Benoit and HBK have faced HHH millions of time, whilst he's faced HHH for the World TItle a total of Zero times. He's paid his dues, and of all the three contenders, he's the only one that actually DESERVES a shot.
Cut to Bischoff talking to the guys in the back - and he's drafted them as Lumberjacks for tonight's HHH/Y2J match. He tells them to go out there and 'impress the hell out of those people'. Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night for SHEER IRONY.
Cut to Stacy Kiebler doing stretches. She'll be facing Molly next. But before that... Bobo wants to eat some glass.
Commercials. Hey, we can buy swords from a sword catalog.
Trish is in the broadcast (pun not intended). She talks about how they pantsed the Zombie, and that she's a Slut. Slut Slut Slut. Stacy comes down the ramp. In Black and Pink. Heh. Molly comes to the ring next, sporting a Marcy Darcy do these days. (Honk if you know what the fuck I'm talking about.)
Molly shakes a finger in Stacy's face. Stacy bites it, and then kicks on Molly before going to the Nash Choke. Twice. Stacy then tosses Molly across the ring by the hair. Molly knocks her down, then Snap Suplexes her. Covers - gets two. Stacy crawls, but Molly strangles her on the ropes, then steps on her head and shoves her around. Stacy tries the old Kaufman Windmill. Molly knocks her down, then Whips her to the Face Corner and hits her with a Splash. Molly tries again, but Stacy gets loose and Crescent Kicks her down. Molly back up and she charges, but Stacy ducks - pulling down the ropes so Molly can fall outside. Molly does. Stacy tosses Molly back in, and Trish tries to interfere. Stacy kicks her away. Molly tries to schoolboy, but Stacy sits on her face and grabs Molly's ankles. Kiebler gets the win.
Jesus, that felt dirty to type...
We're back (10:56) for the Lumberjack Match. Jericho comes to the ring first, and he gets there after checking out the 'Jacks a bit. (10:57) HHH starts his slow stroll... He gets to the ring (10:58) and we're told that next Raw will be from Manchester England - a first for Raw to be broadcast from Europe. I'll take their word for it. HHH gets his spitty and poses in (10:59) and we cn finally start the match. Jericho gets in the early brawlies, then Back Body Drops the World Champ out to Shelton and Regal. They pingpong HHH between them a bit, then toss him back in. HHH promptly tosses Jericho to the outside and Jericho fights loose and gets to the apron. HHH comes in to capitalize, but Jericho hits a couple shoulderblocks to the midsection, then Sunset Flips the Game. Jericho rolls through and goes for the Walls, but settles on a Catapult. HHH tosses him outside again, and Stevie Richards gets in some digs. Jericho back in and hits HHH with the Running Enzuigiiri.
HHH yanks Jericho outside. One of the heels pounds on Y2J, but Rhyno stops him and he and Tajiri put Jericho back in. Jericho baseball slides Rhyno because he thinks Rhyno was the one whipping on him outside. HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Jericho counters with the Walls. Flair up on the apron, so Jericho feeds him a Springboard Missile Dropkick. Flair goes down. Rhyno's in the ring, and he GGRES Jericho. HHH gets the win. Evolution tries to work over Jericho, so the good guys rush the ring for a bench clearing brawl. Orton is back in the house, and he RKO's just about everybody to close the show...
Bleh. That's all I have to say. Bleh. MSG should have gotten a much better show than they did, for no other reason than the history behind the venue... Oh well, better luck next time.
You're welcome. See you SOON.