Write Where It Hurts
Originally Posted 9-29-03
Hello, my intended...
Well, I've made a decision. Considering Jonny X's re-retiring from recapping due to the overwhelming (or is it underwhelming?) feeling of malaise regarding the effect (or lack thereof) he feels he's having on the 'scene' and the total lack of love from you folks for stepping into the pitch so you don't have to watch that crap yourselves. Totally understandable reaction, really. I personally wish Jonny X all the luck in the world with his new gig doing music/concert reviews at 411. Write what you enjoy and enjoy what you write, I say. Maybe he'll go to doing the 'poignant' and 'insightful' stuff I'm accused of doing while I'm busy with the recapping? You should be so lucky, fans. Ask him real nice, why don't you?
So, while he tries to find his smile again I decided to pick up the recapping reins. After all, most folks are used to certain content over here at TRP, and I'd hate to think you weren't getting your money's worth in the free entertainment department. Besides, it gives me something easy to do. To clear the air, unlike most columnists, I don't write for anything else but my own entertainment. Sure, sometimes I get a letter from someone that read my stuff and had something to say about it, but I'm not doing this so you folks will write me. Why? Because I'm not a mark for myself. I don't really 'need' people to shower me with affirmations of my 'talent' or similar plaudits. I'm not really convinced I have any 'talent' to speak of, and if I expected anyone to stuff my mailbox to prove it to me? I'd simply have to be retarded... To put it bluntly, the old maxim is: "Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he will never be disappointed."
Therefore, whether you write me or not is not gonna effect whether I keep writing. Why? Because I don't give a shit. Surprised? You must be new, then...
I've been missing Raw and Smackdown because of work for the last couple weeks, so I'm totally in the dark regarding what they've been doing over at Vince's Cirque du Shyte. See, I used to have Recaps to let me know I didn't really miss anything, but I digress... Rather than go 'outside the family' and read a 'competitor' recap, I just did without. And, Jon, as for why I didn't comment on the NWA-TNA thing? Bottom line, I said back when WCW was imploding that I wouldn't put another red cent towards any promotion Vince Russo was involved in - especially if it was booking. If nothing else, I'm a man of my word - which is why I wouldn't take NWA-TNA up on the One-Cent Introduction Offer. Nice Recap, Jonny. You almost made me consider burying the hatchet with Russo with your 'last hurrah'. Almost. It's not because you didn't make me feel excited about it, because you did. But my word is my word. As long as Russo's in, I'm out. Them's the breaks, Jarrett.
Now to business... Tonight's Raw will be broadcast from Chicago, Illinois. And it seems Snow and Coach are on the stick tonight, judging from the blurb they've tossed in ten minutes prior to the start of the show. You know what? Thanks. I'm willing to give these two a shot as long as it means that Ross and Lawler are nowhere near the place. At least these two are around my age, and while that doesn't exactly make them any cooler than I with the Golden Demo, they've got a far better shot than the tragically out of touch Soonersaur and Lecheropteryx. Count me with the other guys backing the change at the table.
And we're live... Standard RAW intro segment with the Co-GM rubbish they seem to still be running with. Sigh. Why do they keep the stupid angles going, and cancel/ruin anything remotely good? Right, sorry. Forgot what I was watching a second there. Hey, the announce team gets an announce from Garcia. That's new. I like it. Now we've got Y2J coming out to jerk the curtain, and I'm updated as to how Austin helped Goldberg retain against Jericho as they set up the Jeritron 5000. Yuck. And Y2J's guest pal is Bischoff? Yike, I missed a lot, huh? Hey, they've suspended Austin as GM for beating up Bischoff without provocation last week, which means they're actually making sense and keeping some continuity... This is nuts. I never thought I'd live to see it... Jericho's guest is gonna be... J.R.? What did I just say? Why you no listen? WHYWHYWHYWHY?
And it looks like Bischoff is gonna let Coach pick the stip for the match between himself and J.R. tonight... Country Whippin' Match says Coach. Uh oh. What the hell is that? A Roots Re-enactment? Seems that J.R. thinks Coach and Al sucks, and he thinks people should hope he wins to save the show from them. Eric disagrees, and makes to punch him some Sooner skull - but Jericho stops him and says how Eric can't attack the talent - but he can. Boot and Walls onto the Okie! This pleases me. OOops. Seems Austin is here after all, and makes the save. Eric and Jeric hightail, and call out security - and get two guys? Wow. They're really cutting corners on the production budget, huh? Naturally, Austin thrashes the two of them to a semi-enthused pop from Chi-Town, and we go to commercial.
Hey, they've dumped the Gamecube down to $99 already... Yeah, that should move a few kits. Heh.
Back from commercial, and Austin's pacing around in the parking lot - being held at bay by two wooden horses and five old fat guys with their arms crossed over their squishy man-boobs... Impressed yet? Yeah, that'll get Austin over as a huge threat now, right?
Dudley Boyz vs. Test and Steiner for the straps. I thought they were feuding? Ah, well... Bubba Ray yanks Test in to start, and makes a quik Avalanche on the Canadian Nash. Test tries to tag out, but Steiner shortarms him. Test tries to Pumphandle Bubba, but Bubba reverses and gets Wassup started, but Nick Patrick botches things up, and Test hits Bubba in the crotch and pushes Patrick into the corner to crotch D-Von. Total cluster has Stacy stopping Test from hitting sa Dudley with a chair, and gets shoved down. Steiner involves himself at last, and they pretty much go from bad to worse. Everybody gets the 3-D, and after the loss Test tries to discipline Stacy, but is stopped by Steiner - and then flattened with a Steinerline. Stacy makes with the cuteboots deal for her hero, and makes googoo eyes at Scottie to be sure he forgives her for costing him the match at the PPV - and the Tag Match just now... But Steiner says, "Hell no," and punctuates it with a Belly to Belly that knocks Kiebler for a row of ashcans, and we go to commercial.
Too little, too late. We've been begging for Steiner to be a heel, and you JUST NOW decide to comply? Bah.
Kane's out now, blathering about tasting Shane's blood and drinking his fear... Sigh. Hurricane comes out and asks if Kane remembers being a cool superhero tag-champ with him last year. Kane's not having it, and wants to fight someone - a kid with a Hurricane mask in the front row? Are you kidding? He's coming outside... Hurricane makes the save, and is flung into the ringpost for his efforts. Big Boot. Readying the Choke Slam, and Rosey with the run-in to make the save. Now Rosey's about the get a Choke Slam (kinda interesting, since the guy doesn't HAVE a neck), and Hurricane saves his Trainee in turn while Kane is distracted trying to figure out where the fat guy's neck is, and Kane's hitting the bricks, now thoroughly confused. Snow and Coach theorize that the two mooks 'really seem to think they ARE superheroes'... Sigh.
There's jobbers in the locker, little Liza, little Liza... Jindrak, Maven and Garrison Cade (who?) are talking about the new Wrestlemania game on Gamecube (I like subtlety, too) - when in march La Resistance to confront them.
It spills all the way out to the ring. Cade with a few kicks on Dupree, and Dupree tags in Conway. The Frenchies are working over Cade three on one in the corner, and that leads to Conway having a side headlock on Cade. Maven gets the hot tag, and cleans house. All six guys in there, and it leads to Jindrak and Cade doing a combination Dropkick/Bearhug Front Slam for the win. Not much to write home about here, but they told a pretty good story in there for the whole two minutes they had to make the match... Hint: Six man matches should last a little longer than the monster squash segment from the part before the last commercial... Keep it in mind in case you have a future. Okay?
Back to the parking lot, and Austin's trashtalking the old dudes and asking to go in for a beer - but is being denied. Maybe one of them's his P.O.? RVD comes out and thanks SCSA for making the match. Then some schmuck comes up and gushes about spending ten years to make himself a WWe superstar so he could buy a ticket to meet him... What? That makes no sense! Then the feed jams, so I have no idea what happened, but apparently the dork bought tickets for himself and some kid - so I'd guess Austin's gonna glom the kid out of his ticket to get in there and cause some more ruckus.
And now... Triple H... Blah Blah Blah. Goldberg's got 'his' title. Blah Blah Blah. Wait a second... Hunter's offering 'a hundred thousand dollars of his own money' to 'anyone within the sound of his voice' that can 'put Goldberg on the shelf' and 'he doesn't care HOW they do it'...? Are you sure this is wise? I know people that'd do that kind of thing for one-tenth of that much money. This is a REALLY stupid fucking idea, guys. REALLY. Probably the worst yet...
Though not without serious competition from the next match on the card. J.R. and Coach to make with the 'Country Whippin' Match' for the prize of being announcers... Sigh. The only way to win is by pinfall or submission, but they're allowed to use big leather straps... This is why on-the-fly bookings are bad, folks. Like you need ME to tell you, huh? Oh wait, you're reading... I withdraw the question. Coach and J.R are set to square of, and Y2J comes out - to the ANNOUNCE TABLE? Hey, that's actually a GOOD idea. Match starts, and Saucy gets in three licks before Coach bails. Coach tries to get back in, but is spanked. Ross gets in some more licks, and Coach is selling like crazy... JR comes in to capitalize, and Coach gets in a few shots wearing an ever-widening grin that is probably also on the face of every black guy watching this - and one Bobo. JR's on the mat, and Coach is actually pulling up the shirt on JR to make the shots hurt more - but Ross with the lowblow turns the tide - and Ross pulls off Coach's shirt and makes with the Kunta Kinte deal. Bischoff tries to run in, and gets strapped for it by JR. Coach tries to get things going again, but gets a Sooner Stunner.
Lawler's out to congratulate Saucy on getting them back on my TV, and SCSA is comes out too - with a beer and a ticket.
Beers from the crowd to celebrate while Jericho continues to make play-by-play as Coach and Snow shuffle off in disgrace... "Tonight basically sucks. It sucked in the beginning, and it sucks right now." That's beautiful. God bless that Canadian as we go to commercial.
Ross and Lawler are back now, and Lawler feels what JR did was the best thing he's ever seen. I'm not surprised... He's from Tennessee, after all. Lita's back, plugging her book, her DVD and how 'like it or not, she's back'. Molly and Gail Kim don't seem to like it, so that makes three of us so far - and counting. Now they beat the crap out of Lita a little, but Trish makes the run-in and dishes up a spinebuster on Kim... But Victoria comes out and puts the Widow's Peak on Trish... "Three on two, if my math is right," says JR... (pause) Y'know, there's too many punchlines possible for that one, so just pick one yourself. Molly and Kim tear up Lita's book while standing over the battered forms of the two 'good chicks'. Excuse me, I'm supposed to BOO this? Nah.
Kane comes back out after the break... And his opponent tonight is Hurricane. "Hurricane gives up a hundred pounds of body weight, but not a hundred pounds of heart..," says Ross. THIS is the guy they want as the announcer? Yike. Hurricane makes with some ineffective offense and gets Chokeslammed. Match over in under a minute... Kane chokeslams Hurricane again, then cues his pyro. Then leaves. Cut to Goldberg in the back, and Goldberg is asked if he's concerned that anyone might take HHH up on his bounty-hunter deal - for example his own tag-partner Shawn Michaels... I suppose a hundred grand would build a pretty nice chapel, at that, but it's pretty sudden to try to work the 'who can you trust' thing. Bill responds while he has nothing but respect for Shawn Michaels, if he - or anyone else - comes at him, they're gonna get taken out. Stevie Pink makes the initial assault, and of course is destroyed.
Randy Orton and Ric Flair out first for the tag-match, and Ross and Lawler start working how HHH and Michaels were buddies (were?) to put over how Bill could be walking into a trap - and a subsequent nightmare existance the likes of which Crash Holly's 24/7 Rule could never hope to be. No, they didn't actually say anything like that PRECISELY, but it would have been cool, huh? You know what THEY said? "Goldberg is a target." Nice work, boys. Flair and Bill start, and Bill shoves Flair on his ass like an old man. Orton comes in, and they both work a top-wristlock on Goldberg... But Bill powers them onto the mat like he's shriggin off a sweater. Tag to HBK, and Orton and he start wrestling before Orton gets off that Hangman's Backbreaker thing to put HBK in trouble.. Tag to Flair, who makes with the chops in the corner. HBK reverses, and makes with his own chops. Goes for the tag, but is drop-toed and prevented. Tag to Orton, who makes with a dropkick, and gets two. Tries again for another 2-count. Starts taking the boots to him, and then goes for a scoopslam - but HBK slips out and shoves Orton to the ropes - tag to Flair on the sly, and HBK rolls up Orton - only to get punched silly by Flair. Flair tags Orton in, and HBK makes the tag to Goldberg. Standard 'unstoppable' stuff you've seen from typical Goldberg matches. Then he spears Flair... Then Orton. Then Rodney Mack runs in and hits Goldberg with a chair for the DQ. Now they seem to be trying to ramp up a Mark Henry/Goldberg thing, as Henry totally destroys HBK and leaves him a bloody wreck, all the while pointing to Goldberg and making with the scowlies.
Say, that should be a thrilling match - but of course it won't be. Time for commercials. House of the Dead looks like an interesting movie... And so does this new one from Tarantino... Too bad I don't go to those anymore, huh?
Back from commercials, and Teddy's congratulating Henry on crushing HBK - and it's official. Henry for the title or the money next week, whatever comes first. "I don't think Henry's the man that can do it," says Ross. Putting over Goldberg or burying the negro? You decide! Lawler and Ross then congratulate Rock for having the #1 movie this week - raking in about 19 million bucks last I heard. Yeah, that means you're successful in Hollywood. Your movie made almost as much in it's first week as Jim Carrey gets just for being IN a movie. Bravo. A proud moment for you and the whole Johnson clan, huh Duane? Must... Not... Laugh...
Well, with about ten minutes to go, we can have the ladder match with RVD and Christian as the Main Event. This pleases me. Not that there's only a little time for it, but that it's the Main Event. Christian starts off with some punches and kicks, then goes for the back body drop - but RVD rolls over his back and makes with the kicking. They spill outside, and RVD tries to get the ladder, but is beat on and tossed back in. Christian gets the ladder, but RVD baseball slides him and he eats the ladder instead. Christian shakily get to his feet, and RVD hits a somersault senton to Christian on the outside - ladder and all. Ouch. RVD comes outside, and Christian tosses him into the steps. Christian ets up the ladder like a bridge between the apron and the barrier, and tries to whip RVD into it. RVD reverses and tries to throw Christian into it. Christian reverses. They go to a collar and elbow tie-up, and Christian tries to suplex RVD onto the ladder, but RVD reverses and drapes Christian belly first onto the ladder. RVD with the legdrop on Christian, and leaves him outside as he goes in to set up another ladder. Christian back in, and throws RVD into the ladder, then drapes it on the corner and slingslots RVD into it catapult-style. Christian sets up the ladder and clmbs it, but RVD shoves it over... Christian lands on his feet, and RVD gives him a military press, then drops him on the ladder and follows it up with a standing moonsault onto the ladder and Christian. RVD makes it up the ladder now, but Christian follows him up - and takes him down with a reverse DDT from the ladder. Now Christian sets up the ladder in the corner, and tries to throw RVD into it, but gets monkey flipped onto it for his troubles - followed by Rolling Thunder!
RVD now setting up another ladder in the neutral corner, and he dishes up a couple kicks to Christian to keep him on the mat... RVD's going up the ladder, maybe for the FiveStar? No, Christian shoves him off. Christian tries to capitalize, picking up one of the ladders as a weapon, and gets Van-Ladder-nated. Christian laying on the ladder now, and RVD for the FiveStar... NOBODY HOME. Christian tosses RVD outside, and starts up the ladder... He's got his hands on the belt... But RVD with a kick sends Christian to the mat ugly. RVD on another ladder - and he climbs all the way up... LADDER HIGH FIVESTAR! RVD puts a ladder on Christain, and climbs up... He's got the belt...
HE'S GOT THE BELT!!! RVD wins the strap! Your new IC Champ is R... V... D.... And that's a wrap.
All in all, a pretty crappy show overall - but the main event actually raised it to acceptable levels. If you missed the main event, I feel sorry for you. I watched the whole show, though, so I feel more sorry for me. Them's the breaks, but I knew the job was dangerous when I took it (BOCKBOCKBOCK!). Hopefully, they'll do something else retarded next week that leads up to getting Coach and Snow back behind the table... I'm looking forward to a Mark Henry/Goldberg Main Event like a root canal during an IRS audit, but at least they're bringing new talents up to the big matches, so it's not a total loss. Yet.
You're welcome. See you SOON.