Crappy Anniversary

Originally Posted 9-27-04
Hello, my intended...

Not much to say this week. I'm playing the living HELL out of the new Def Jam game on the X-Box, and despite an AI that's even cheaper than the first one, I think it's fun. Must be that cathartic joy of tearing the heads off a pile of rappers, most of whom I can't stand. I'm just DYING to get my hands on Flava Flav, mostly so I can toss him in front of the fucking subway. Yeeeeeeeaah Boyeeeeeee!

Yes, I realize there's maybe five people in the readership that might get that joke. I don't care. Watch the show yourself, you're so smart. Thought so.

A full review will follow (hopefully) later in the week. No promises, though.

I will say, on the wrestling, that it's nice that they seem to be bringing back Rival Factions. A couple more would be nice, but I don't want this to turn into another Gang Wars... What are the sides, so far? GLAD you asked. Glad, I say.


Catchphrase: You can't stop Evolution.
  • Triple H: The Smart One.
  • Ric Flair: The Old One.
  • Dave Batista: The Dull One.
  • Name Pending

    Catchphrase: None.
  • Chris Benoit: The Tough One.
  • Randy Orton: The Cool One.
  • Shelton Benjamin: The Ni Nice One.
  • Eugene: The Reta Fun One.
  • Steve Regal: The Drummer British One

  • This could be something they could use for Survivor Series... Assuming they don't fuck it up.

    Yeah, I know.

    Must... Not... LAUGH.

    In other news...


    I'm telling you, kids. As early anniversary presents go, this was just what I needed. Very thoughtful. I'm hoping they put Lita's dead baby up for auction - and I'm prepared to sell my car to get it.

    Yeah, I just GOTTA top RD Reynolds getting the Katie Vick suit. It's a guy thing.

    In the ten minutes to go blurb, we're warned that Trish is gonna 'initiate' the Zombie - and HBK and Y2J face CLB and the Goat in a tag match. Any bets Michaels gets the win?

    In Memory of Ray Traylor, the Big Boss Man.

    Eric's picture is booed, though a trifle late.

    Standard Raw intro.

    Welcome to Kansas City, Missouri. They shill the Tag Team Main Event with the guys I've already mentioned. And we'll be getting an interview from Lita over the Dead Baby.

    Bischoff is shilling the Taboo Tuesday, and while he's behind McMahon's initiative - he's not sure we can handle the awesome responsibility of making decisions on matches or stips. (Amusingly, not the outcomes.) Eric thinks it's deplorable that he's gotta face Eugene and bitches a bit about it before giving us four choices for HHH's opponent.

    Shawn Michaels.
    Chris Benoit.
    Randy Orton.

    He warns us that he's not gonna reward Orton with a place on the ballot unless he can whip Batista.

    HHH comes down with the strap and some water. He gets to the ring and paces around a bit before asking if it's true that the fans will decide his fate. He thinks it's a load of crap. He says you people pay money to see him and stand in the presence of greatness. He tells us we don't get to touch it, talk to it, or decide the fate of it. It's only fair, since he doesn't come to where WE work to tell us what to do. He insults some random fans, and then says 'What's done is done', and the fans are finally in control of the man who's running things - but it's too bad, because he's gonna do what he always does. (Nooo. REALLY? Thanks for the update, Walter.) Yes, he'll be walking out of there as the Champ.

    He then gives us a few choices as to what we can do with our lives.

    We can go screw ourselves.
    We can go rot in Hell.
    We can try to get a life.
    We can roll ourselves up in a tight little ball...

    Shelton Benjamin comes down the ramp to interrupt. Smiling. He snatches HHH's mic, and tells him to hold that thought. He's got a few choices for HHH.

    Quit your whining.
    Quit your complaining.
    Please cut out all this crying, since there's not enough Kleenex in Kansas City to wipe THAT nose.
    And the last choice, since they can't get along, they should get it on. Right NOW. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night.)

    Eric tells SB that he should scram, but HHH gets in an early beltshot, so Eric calls for a ref. SB recovers quickly and tosses HHH across the ring. HHH tries to brawl, but is thrown pillar to post. Shelton tries the Splash, but HHH dodges and the kid eats the corner. HHH tosses him shoulder first into the post, and from there...

    Commercials. Hey, they got a new crazy fuck to try and kill himself on Animal Planet. Did Steve Irwin finally get himself killed?

    We're back, and SB is being pulled back into the ring from the floor, but SB hotshots him on the ropes. SB back in and works some brawlies, but HHH hits an armbar takedown. HHH is working the arm of SB with a Kneeling Armbar, which he's holding as a wristlock. SB digs deep, then kips up and starts punching HHH in the head. HHH does an Arm-Yank, then tosses Benji into the corner and tries to do the Shoulder Crusher he did to put out Eugene, but SB counters with a Slingshot Armdrag.

    Both men down, and the ref gets to eight before HHH is up. HHH takes a swing, SB ducks and hits a bunch of punches. HHH ducks the Haymaker, and tries to brawl back. He's Back Body Dropped after a Standing Leg Lariat. SB follows up with a Northern Lights Suplex, for two. Benjamin tries another Back Body Drop, but HHH kicks him and goes for the Pedigree. SB counters with a Side Russian Leg Sweep, then goes to the top and hits a Bulldog. Gets two. HHH staggers to the Farside Corner, and SB gives him the Splash - then Clotheslines him outside and follows him to the floor so he can bounce HHH's skull on the steps. HHH grabs the belt and hits Benjamin with it, which will give us the DQ.

    HHH tosses the referee away, and picks up Benjamin for a Pedigree on the floor. Bonk. HHH gets his belt and staggers off after soaking up some heat for yet another screwy ending.

    Recap of the Zombie getting the Diva job. Yay. Oh, in case you forgot, Stratus will be hosting her Initiation Party.

    Commercials. Smackdown PPV this Sunday has Big Show against Angle. I'd know this if I watched Smackdown, I guess... I'd care if... Wait, I don't.

    Oh, and X-Men Legends looks interesting enough for Bobo to sink fifty on... Why not? I'm sure there's gonna be a DECENT X-Men game someday. The Law of Averages DEMANDS it.

    The Simon Dean system gets another segment. Fat people aren't jolly - they're disgusting. Oh, and he'll help you become a success in life if you call now. Yeah, it's working GREAT for you, ain't it, Nova?

    Hurricane and Rosey come to the ring for a tagmatch. They seem less than jolly, since they've been losing so much. Rhyno and Tajiri rush out to face them.

    Rosey and Tajiri to start. Rosey tries a couple grabs, but gets kicked. Rosey hits the heavy overhands, then tosses Tajiri to the Nearside. Tajiri floats over and tries to ankle-scissor, but is shrugged off. Tajiri kicks Rosey's skimmer in, then leaps to tag in Rhyno.

    The two of them slam into each other a couple times, but neither man can knock the other down. Third run has Rhyno dodging a lariat, then knocking Rosey down with a forearm on the bounceback. Tag to Helms, who hits a Spinwheel Kick. Rhyno preps the Spear, but Helms dips it. Rhyno stops, so Helms asks 'Wassupwiddat?'. Rhyno clocks him. Helms with a high crossbody from the top. Rhyno tags in Tajiri.

    Tajiri and Helms trade shots. Helms in the Tarantula. Rosey breaks it up. Bedlam breaks out, and Tajiri is crushed by a Spinning Sidewalk Slam from Rosey. The Supervillains win. They seem happy.

    Up soon, another interview with Kane. Because they hate us, that's why.

    Commercials. Stone and Parker will be making a sendup of the old Marionnation Shows, and it looks like a fucking hoot.

    Foley and Bradshaw to debate on ABC... Hmm.

    We're back, and we get a recap of the 'horrible accident' that makes me a lifelong fan of a Jobber. Kane is grumpy. That's always fun.

    Kane and Tod speak together. Lita won't be joining us, because she's still in a state of shock. (YAY!) Kane says she's not eating, or talking, or anything, because while she hated him - she loved their unborn baby. Kane says there are no words to express the loss of their son. (You can tell that six weeks in? Wow. Another breakthrough for medical science.) Now their son is dead - but he won't die alone. Snitsky will also die, because... (Nobody will notice he's gone?) Kane says so.

    Smackdown Rebound has Undertaker whipping Viscera and Gangrel, and JBL feeling sorta worried about it. Also, Eddy and the Big Show get whipped by a tranquilizer dart after a run-in by Jindrak. Show is shaved.

    Regal and Benoit muse about Taboo Tuesday being a great idea, and Benoit says if he gets the match we'll have a new Champ. Eugene plays with scissors and apes Brutus Beefcake. Regal says rather than practice his clipping on him, Gene should come along with him where he can do so... Regal strides off. Eugene looks expectantly at Benoit's coiffure, and Benoit tells him not to even think about it. Eugene toddles off, and Benoit gives a toothy grin. I guess he figures Regal's got something neat in mind... What are the odds, eh?


    Snitsky's got an intro now. He strides out pretty ominous. He's from Pennsylvania. Homestate boy! Yay! Pre-taped apology from him to Kane and Lita for the kid, but it's still not his fault. If they have a problem, they can find him next week on Raw. Gene's opponent? Val Venis.

    Val Venis? He still has a JOB? Wow. They take FOREVER to throw out the trash at WWe, don't they?

    Gene opens up with a kick and a clubbing series of brawlies on Val in the nearside. Shortarm Lariat on Val, followed by stomping. Gene tries a Slam, but Val slips loose. Gene flattens Val coming off the ropes, then hits a LEGDROP, followed by a chinlock. Gene looks genuinely out of his fucking gourd... Val struggles up and Gene smashes him down.

    Val gets in a few Dropkicks to the leg, bringing Snitsky down. Val tries the Money Shot. Gene dodges. Gene with a Pumphandle on Val - to a Twisting Powerslam. Val just BARELY got his head tucked in, but is otherwise ruined. Looked VERY sloppy, Gene, but otherwise way to run with the opportunity. You're much scarier than Dave, too. Thought you should know. Congrats on the win, and the push begins.

    This pleases me.

    Commercials. Marilyn Manson covers Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" for his Greatest Hits Album: Lest We Forget. Y'know, usually when someone does a Greatest Hits disc - it's THEIR greatest hits. Ah well, leave it to Marilyn to 'change the rules'... And suck.

    Flair comes to the ring. In a suit. Ross reminds us that Flair's 16 titles got started here 16 years ago when Flair whipped Dusty Rhodes for the strap. Flair's got a problem with Randy Orton. And the words 'Great' and 'Legend' being used to describe Orton. Flair's got no problem with Orton calling himself Great, since anyone that wins the title can say that. However, seeing as how Orton's supposedly a Legend Killer, Flair takes a few shots at the Legends out there. Hart. Race. Hogan. Foley. Michaels. He reuses his shots from the book that nobody's buying anymore. Sorry, Ric. He says the only Legend around is Flair, and unless Orton can whup him, he can't say he's killed SHIT.

    So Orton comes out. He has no problem saying to Flair's face that Flair's the Greatest Legend the business has ever seen. Orton puts over Flair a bit and says he looked up to Ric as a kid. He then says that he probably couldn't have beaten Benoit without all the tutelage Flair provided. However, he's sad that Flair's in the state he's in - and he's disgusted that Flair's pretty much Hunter's personal bootlicker now. (Me too.) He says Flair's not a Legend anymore - he's a Lapdog. A glorified CHEERLEADER. And that's NOT the same Flair that Orton - or ANYBODY - looked up to.

    Randy makes his case rather eloquently for Flair to break free of Evolution, and I start to like the kid again. Orton says the only thing legendary about Flair now is his skill at kissing HHH's ass. Flair's eyes bug out. Randy then says that a TRUE Legend takes crap from nobody, and Flair stares as Orton leaves - but otherwise doesn't respond to the dressing-down.

    Commercials. BET Comedy Awards coming up soon. In case you care. I don't either.

    HBK comes to the ring first for the 'Main Event' (10:11). Jericho comes out next (10:12), and they both get a decent pop from the Missouri crowd. Christian and Tomco come out next - and together. (10:13) HBK and Y2J meet them on the floor. Brawlies for everyone. HBK is tossed into the ring by Tomco, but Tomco gets the upper hand on the brawlies with help from CLB. Tag to CLB for some brawling in the heel corner. Tag to Tomco. Tomco with a couple hits, but HBK with a kneelift buys enough time for a tag to Y2J.

    Y2J knocks Christian off the apron, and then Jericho hits a Missile Dropkick on Tomco. Teamwork with HBK allows them to Doubleteam Lariat Tomco out of the ring. They then Team Gorilla Press Christian and toss him outside onto Tomco.

    Commercials. (10:17) WWe is still selling toys... And a ring with a mat that 'really bounces'. Yeah. Real marvel of toy technology, there, fellas. Wow.

    We're back (10:19) and Jericho gets a twocount on Tomco. Tag to Christian, who sets Jericho neckfirst onto the second rope - then stands on the back of his head for the Super Choke. Well done, CLB. Tag to Tomco. Tomco tries a slam, but Jericho counters with a Sunset Flip. Jericho crawls to make the tag, but Christian runs over and knocks HBK off the apron. HBK gets into the ring, and is ejected so that the ref can be distracted and let the heels get in some doubleteam. Tag to Christian, who's working a head-wrench after hitting Y2J with a Neckbreaker. Christian with a Backbreaker, gets two. Tag to Tomco.

    Tyson strangle-gouges Y2J in the farside, then tosses him to the nearside. Jericho dodges the lariat, then hits the Running Enzuigiiri. Hot tag to HBK, tag to Christian. HBK beats both Christian and Tomco up, but CLB gets in a cheapshot. Christian tries the Unprettier, but Jericho breaks it up with a Running Facebuster. Tomco gets involved, but is Superkicked. Christian with a Schoolboy, holding the ropes, gets the pin on HBK.

    I'll be damned.

    HHH in the back asks if he can count on Dave tonight. Dave says yeah, since he's been waiting two years to shut him up about being the future when the True Future is BATISTA.

    Yeah, sure it is, Dave... Sure.

    Dave asks about Flair. HHH says Flair is Flair, and then changes the subject back to Dave tearing up Orton. Dave agrees once again to take away the choice from the fans, then leaves.

    Over half an hour to go, and we've already had our 'Main Event'? Sigh. Planning people. PLANNING. Try it.

    Commercials. (10:27) TV's Buffy to be in a Horror movie. And a shower scene... Sigh. If Newtype is to be believed, she'll shortly be starring in a movie based on an anime called 'Paranoia Agent', about some nut with a baseball bat smashing other nutjobs.

    We're back. Regal's got some melvins from the audience in the ring for Eugene to shave (instead of him). He also has them dressed up as some of the stipulations possible for us to choose for Eugene's match. One's dressed as a butler (Servant Match). One's in a dress (Saturn Match). One's sitting in a barber's chair (Shaved Head Match). Gene shaves the guy for practice, and it'd work MUCH better if they plugged the fucking clippers in... Eugene is handed the scissors, but before he can do any damage Bischoff comes out.

    "Get this crap out of the ring! Nobody wants to see this!" Eric pronounces. (Second Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. God bless that greasy fuckstick for saying what the fans were thinking.) He says that Eugene's got his work cut out for him, and then Superkicks the would-be Barber victim. He leaves Regal and Gene to think it over as he leaves all smiles.

    Clips of the Press Conference promoting Taboo Tuesday. We can choose the fate of our superstars. Yay.

    Up next, Zombie Initiation Party.

    Up first? Commercials. (10:37) We can play paintball against our televisions, just in case we need to be totally fucking gay.

    We're back. (10:41) And next week, HBK vs. CLB in MSG.

    Ross and Lawler shill the GM-Fantasy Game - despite it being closed. Oh, wait, it's open again. The Killer Bees are in the lead on the leaderboard with 126 points.

    Next out, Molly, Kim, and Trish (10:43). I feel bad for the folks that paid money for this one. Worse than usual, even. Trish tells the dead crowd to hold their applause, and then welcome the chick that won a little contest instead of working her butt off like they did. Then calls her to the ring. Zombie comes to the ring (10:44) and gets handshakes from the other three Divas. Trish starts talking, but Zombie snatches the mic from her and tells the fans the only reason she's here is because of all the fans - and she wants to thank them for the honor of being in the ring today, and she promises to make us proud.

    Trish gets the mic and takes a shot at Zombie by wondering who she slept with to be a Finalist. She then invites Carmella to tell Zombie what she really thinks about her on the Titantron. Carmella says that if the contest was based on Talent, Looks or Personality - she'd have beat her for the job no prob. She then talks about how the Zombie's a nobody while Carmella's a Playmate of the Year, and Zombie stole a quarter million off her - and she's looking forward to seeing her get her ass kicked.

    Trish says she's been empowered by Bischoff to give Zombie her first match, and calls a referee to the ring for said match. Against all of them in a Handicap Bra and Panties Match. She grabs Zombie, but Zombie punches her away. Kim and Molly take her down and then Trish pulls her skirt and shirt off, then leave her in front of the gawking crowd.

    The crowd likes it. So she poses a bit, then gets the mic and says that she thinks that they might have felt that they did her some emotional damage, but WHOOPS, she's completely comfortable in her Bra and Panties, so she climbs to the corners and shakes her groove thing a bit.

    (10:52) Flair is staring into space, and Dave asks if he's ready. Flair stands up and says he doesn't answer to HHH, and he doesn't answer to Dave, so he'll be out there when he's ready. Dave looks askance, then stomps off.

    Commercials. (10:53)

    Kane returns to action next week. Yay.

    (10:57) Dave comes out a-flexing for his No-DQ match with Orton.

    (10:58) Orton comes striding out. Dave tries the early brawlies, but Orton counters with a Thesz Press. Orton tries an Irish Whip, but Dave plants his feet and then Spinebusters Orton. Orton rolls outside, and after a growl Dave follows. Dave bounces Orton off the barrier, then kneedrops him on the floor. Dave then bounces Orton off the steps, and gets in some punches while Randy's down. Dave rolls Randy in, then drapes him across the apron and hits a couple clubbing forearms and kicks, then chokes him some. Dave gets back in as Orton tries to get to his feet, and Dave shoves him into the corner to step on his head, stomp a mudhole, and then blatant choke.

    Orton tries fighting back, but Dave hits a Sidewalk Slam. Gets two. Orton crawls, so Dave sits him onto the middle rope and works him over some. Orton in danger as Dave drags him up and hits him in the back of the head with a forearm, then steps on his head some more. Dave shoves Orton to the ropes. Orton bounces off backwards and is clobbered down again. Dave tries for the trifecta, but Orton counters with a forearm. Dave charges, and Orton dodges - so Dave eats the ringpost. Orton with a series of brawlies, then takes Dave down with a Standing Dropkick.

    HHH comes to the ring (11:03) and they go to a two-on-one. Orton fights them off a bit, but the numbers win out. HHH gets a chair. Flair runs out and takes it away from him. Orton gets up as Flair backs HHH away, and Flair kicks Orton in the balls, then hits him with the chair.

    Dave finishes things up with a Sitout Powerbomb. Dave wins. HHH opens the chair across Orton's head and sits on it while Flair smiles. Flair then stands on Orton's chest as he holds up HHH's and Dave's hands in victory. HHH and the fellas celebrate Orton not getting a shot this Taboo Tuesday... Fade to black.

    Triple H jerking the curtain wasn't a bad thing, though you'd think he could lose a non-title match without going screwjob. Nice segment with Orton and Flair, too. But I'd have rathered they had a match - or at least Flair taking a shot at Orton to prove 'a Legend takes crap from nobody'. Oh well, at least they're teasing Flair reclaiming a scrap of dignity from being HHH's pissboy for all these years. I hope Flair thinks they'll let him retire with that scrap, because I still love to see him disappointed.

    A huge amount of pointless skits crap up a fairly lackluster show wrestling-wise. Oh well. I didn't expect much this week, anyway... Still, it's nice to see the young guys close the show. But I'm pretty disappointed that they didn't let them do so WRESTLING.

    Not surprised, though. Just disappointed. That means it's Monday, right? Right.

    You're welcome. See you SOON.