Are You Ready For Some Football CRAP?
Originally Posted 9-20-04
Hello, my intended...

Since I won't be watching my beloved Philadelphia Eagles face the Minnesota Vikings, I suppose I'll just do the next best thing... Kidnap John Madden.

JM: Boom! Where are we? I can't see...

Um... Take off the blindfold, John.

JM: Oh, great! I was worried that I was having a stroke... Again.

Lay off the turduckens, then. (Ahem!) I decided, Mr. Madden, that you and I should speak about things.

JM: Like shoes and strings and ceiling wax?


JM: 'Cause, BOOM!, you can get ALL that stuff at Ace! It's the PLACE!

Focus, Mr. Madden. FOCUS.

JM: Heck, that's easy too! Especially after a stopover at Lenscrafters! You'll have no problem focusing after they get you situated - usually in less than an hour!

You are not on goddamned TV, Madden! Knock off the hawking of cheap rubbish, if you please!

JM: But I still have to work in the Swanson Hungry Man Dinner spot! C'mon! They pay me in GRAVY!

...What? Why?

JM: I always believed in eliminating the middleman. BOOM!

Sigh. Actually, John, I brought you here because I wanted to speak about football.

JM: Sure. I do that.

Okay, then...


...Can you cut down on the 'boom', please?

JM: It's what I do. I can't talk about football without saying 'BOOM!'.

...Sigh. What do you know about the Vikings, John?

JM: A strong team. Good pass rushing, and an awesome offense starring Randy Caulpepper and Daunte Moss.

Um, John. It's Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss.

JM: That's what I said.

Guess I must've misheard you... Um, do you know about a guy named Brock Lesner?

JM: Sure. Tried out for the Vikings line. Scrubbed out.

Is that all?

JM: What else is there?

Well, what if I told you he used to be a professional wrestler? Specifically, a World Champion Professional Wrestler...?

JM: Isn't that all fake? I mean, I read in the paper that he was an NCAA Champion wrestler, but I didn't know he did that TV stuff. Champion, huh?

Yes. And did you also know that he had a guaranteed twenty million dollar contract, and walked out on it so he could try out for the Vikings line?

JM: But... Linemen only make about... 100, 200 grand a year, tops. 300 if you're a Pro-Bowl guy. Maybe.

Uh huh...

JM: So he walked out on 20 million to try and play football for about... one percent of that?

That is correct.

JM: And he scrubbed out?

Also correct.

JM: So he's got... what? Nothin'?

That'd be my math, John.

JM: BOOM! He's a dumb shit, ain't he?

That's the consensus amongst us wrestling commentators, too.

JM: WOW! Scrubbed out... You gotta be dumber'n a sack of doorknobs to throw away money in the bank like THAT. Merciful JESUS.

Okay, John. Since I'm not sure if you're assigned to this game, I'm gonna turn you loose now and avoid any smartasses telling me Madden couldn't be here and on TV at the same time, how's that sound?

JM: You promised chicken.

Sigh. Fine. Here's the Colonel's 30-piece of Original Recipe, just like I said. Now go.

JM: Okay, then. This should be enough to last me until I get to the stadium.

The subway takes ten minutes, John.

JM: I know. It's close. But I think I can make the chicken stretch that long... See ya.

(Door slams)

Sheesh. Was that a long way to go for one miserable punchline, or what? DK makes this look too fucking easy...

Oh well, I'm in a surprisingly good mood despite the fact that I'm gonna miss the home-team scrimmaging. Do you know why that is? That's <b>right</b>!

Diva Bullshit stops today! Yay!

You might also remember that Vince McMahon promised another 'blockbuster' announcement, but when you consider the last one of those he made got the Diva Search started, you just <b>can't</b> be looking forward to it. Anymore.

My money's on Vince himself shilling the goddamn bullshit 'General Manager' game, and maybe they got enough drooling douchebags to pony up a ten-spot that they can give out a better prize than a piece of shit $200 Toy Championship BELT. Maybe the swerve (after I decided they could go fuck themselves for cheating me outta proper e-fedding) will be that the winner of this fustercluck gets to be the REAL GM for a day, or some shit... Yeah, that'd <i>really</i> make my asshole pucker, so I figure it's a lock.

Do I think it'll be successful? Nope. Then again, I scoffed at the online-collectible card game they did a couple years ago...

Oh, wait, I was right about that being a guaranteed failure, too... If you're gonna sell people CARDS to play a GAME, then sell them CARDS - not IMAGINARY CARDS for the COMPUTER. You dumbasses.

The RAW season premiere...? Sheesh. Weren't these the same guys that said 'Our season never ends?' Yeah, I guess nobody remembers that bullshit... Oops.

In the ten minutes to go, from Tucson, Arizona, we're told that the Diva stuff will finally end. Jericho will face Michaels for the IC, and there'll be a six-man match with Evolution going against Orton, Benjamin, and Benoit...

In memory of James Barnett...

Eric's picture is booed.

We go straight to Vince coming to the ring with that 'I need a new hip' walk of his... He welcomes us to the Season Premiere, and says the blockbuster announcement concerns us all. He then tells Bischoff to get out there.

Bischoff complies, walking on a cane because his foot is still hurting from Orton dropping the sledge on his foot. VKM has him take his microphone, and then gets another one. Vince says Jericho had a nice idea with fan-participation picking his match the other week, and decides that they'll let the fans decide what to see on an entire given night. And what if that night was a PPV? They could decide the matches, the combatants, and even the types... Thus, Tues. October 19, dubbed Taboo Tuesday, they will have the ultimate in Fan Participation... Vince asks what Eric thinks of it.

Eric says it's a great idea. On paper. However, these people don't have the ability to make the 'right' decisions, which is what Bischoff's there for, and he suggests Vince sleep on it a week and by then he'll have a MUCH better idea than Taboo Tuesday.

Vince thinks Bischoff is trying to patronize him. There's a reason he's the GM of Raw - and why Vince isn't the GM of Nitro... Eric winces. He understands why Eric's worried since there'll be no reason to have a GM on Taboo Tuesday, but to be a pal, he'll let Eric be an Active Wrestler.

Eric worries that the fans'll have some monster come annihilate him. Vince says not to worry, because he's already picked Eric's opponent... Eugene comes out to the ring and plays airplane, happily waving to the crowd and Uncle Eric with his good wing.

Vince suggests various lame stipulations before suggesting the loser gets their head shaved bald. He asks what the fans think. The fans are happy with it. Eric tries to convince Eugene that he doesn't want that to happen, and he knows Gene would never want to hurt his Uncle, either... He tries to say he loves Eugene a couple times before haltingly managing it. He then suggests that Mr. McMahon putting someone of Eugene's capacity and condition in a match could be quite the lawsuit. Vince raises an eyebrow.

Eric then says that they'll tell Mr. McMahon no, and then go get some ice-cream. Eugene seems cool with it. Then he decks Bischoff and hugs Vince. Vince smiles and leaves. Gene marching behind him in a fairly close mimic of Vince's goofy 'power-walk'.

We're told we'll get an exclusive update on Lita's condition... Like I care. I want to see my new hero: Gene Snitsky!

Oh well. They then replay the Orton Handicap Main Event that led up to tonight's six-man... Sigh.


We're back, and Stacy comes to the ring with Victoria... (Please, no... Not a chick tag-match... Please...) Garcia tells me I pray in vain. Thanks a bunch, hon. Dumb whore. They'll face Molly and Trish Stratus (without Tomco). Stacy mocks Molly's ballet from last week, but Vic and Trish to start. Trish with an arm-trap to a hairpull takedown. Vic responds with a rollup, and a series of retaliatory hairpull takedowns capped by the standing moonsault. Gets two. Trish tags in Molly. Vic Powerslams her, then puts her in the Giant Swing and prepares to tag in Stacy, but Trish trots in with a Chick-Kick and then tags herself in. Vic puts her in a Hurricane Sidewalk Slam, then tags Stacy. Stacy covers. Trish kicks out at two. Trish tags in Molly, then hangs on so Stacy can't escape. Molly knocks Vic off the apron with a forearm, then turns to battle Stacy, and is promptly put into a backslide. For three. Stacy beats Molly two weeks in a row... Sigh.

Commercials. Remember those commercials for Total cereal that had people finding out how many bowls of 'their' cereal they'd have to eat for the same nutrition of a single bowl of Total? Well, Subway's doing it in reverse, telling us we can have three foot-long subs and not equal the grams of fat in a single McDonald's chicken sandwich...

We're back, and Vince says 'It sucks' to Randy Orton, who is reading Raw Magazine. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night) Vince says it's too bad Orton got the title and lost it all quick. Orton says he'll get it back, because it's his destiny. He then says that tonight's match will be decided by the three sweetest letters in wrestling. R.K.O.

We're then showed that Superstar Billy Graham is in attendence. Then a replay of My Hero putting an end to this Bullshit Pregnancy Angle, and Kane freaking out about it... What you don't see in the replay, is ol' Bobo dancing around the house.

We even get an interview with Snitsky, so he can clear his name. He says it's not his fault. He says he wasn't nervous facing Kane, because he was there to do a job - and he did it. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night #2) Any other questions? Ross asks if Gene feels any remorse. Gene says it wasn't his fault, and then stares at us at home. For like fifteen seconds.

He's ALREADY scarier than Dave. The loony stare makes him TWICE as scary as Dave. That brings him almost up to 'Subway Evangelist' on the scary-scale. Dave is still hovering at 'Fluffy Bunny' for ten months and counting...

Commercials. JBL and Foley will debate the day before Kerry and Bush do the same...

The Geek is in front of what's supposed to be Lita's hospital door, and says that Kane has granted them an interview, but after this match. Hurricane comes out with Rosey, and we're shown that they jobbed to Tajiri and Rhyno on HEAT. Sigh. Being accompanied by Rhyno, Hurricane's opponent will be Tajiri.

They circle a bit before tying up, and trade some chains off the armbar, and a couple kicks. Tajiri gets the upper hand/foot, and then Whips Helms to the corner. Helms runs through Tajiri, then gets the Houseboy in the Vertical Suplex. Covers and gets two.

Tajiri responds with some kicks, and then a Shiranui... sort of. Hurricane in trouble. Tajiri goes to the top again, but Hurricane tosses him off. Tajiri lands on his feet and then kicks Helms's block off. Helms manages to counter and get Tajiri pinned. Tajiri counters with a crucifix, and Helms loses. Helms takes his mask back from the kid in the front row he gave it to, so I guess they'll be making them Super-Villains soon...

The interview. The docs give the baby only a 50/50 chance. Todd says that they spoke to Snitsky, and explain to Kane that Gene said it's not his fault. Kane's not happy. He vows Vengeance, and breathes heavily... Ooo.

Revenge. On a jobber. Ah, how the mighty have fallen... It is to laugh.


HBK making his way to the ring for the IC title-shot. They're gonna have a press conference tomorrow at noon to promote WM21. I kid you not.

Jericho makes his way to the ring next. He soaks up a pop or two - and before they start the match, Christian comes out to help call the action. Jericho and Michaels circle each other a few times, then Michaels gets in an Arm-Wringer he speckles with a couple shoulderblocks. Jericho counters with his own Arm-Wringer. HBK counters with a Wristlock. Jericho counters with a Hammerlock.

They jockey for position, then Jericho tosses Michaels over the top ropes. Michaels hangs on and tries to skin-the-cat. Jericho breaks it up, and shoves Michaels back to the apron. Michaels goes to the top and hits Jericho with a crossbody from the top. Y2J rolls through and it gets two.

The two of them brawl a bit, and Jericho eventually tries a Superplex. HBK shoves him off and hits him with the Flying Elbow. Christian runs out to attack HBK. HBK punches Christian away, and Y2J uses the distraction to hit that Flying Enzuigiiri. Michaels goes down likes he's been shot. Christian is ejected.

Commercials. Only Burger King would be insane enough to have a black cop harrassing two fat white kids to help sell burgers. Only I would be insane enough to suggest it's working.

We're back, and HBK has Y2J in a sleeper. Jericho elbows free and goes to a side headlock. HBK somersaults out of trouble, and then chop-blocks Jericho. Michaels works on Jericho's leg a bit, then puts Chris in the Figure Four. Jericho languishes a bit, then turns it. HBK releases him, then tries to grab his legs again. Jericho kicks him away a few times, but HBK continues to try to Figure Four. Jericho counters with an Inside Cradle. Gets two. Jericho goes to a series of clotheslines and Flying Neckbreakers. Goes to the Lionsault. HBK rolls away, but Jericho lands on his feet. Michaels with a Sunset Flip. Jericho sits down to counter. Gets two. Michaels reverses. Gets two.

Both men to their feet. Michaels tries a Standing Switch, but Jericho takes him down in a Backslide. Gets two. Jericho hits the Lionsault. Gets two. Jericho and HBK run the ropes, and Michaels hits the flying forearm. Both men down. HBK kips up at eight. He tries to storm Jericho, but Jericho counters with the Double Leg Pickup and goes to the Walls. Tomco runs out after a bit, so Jericho releases HBK and Springboard Dropkicks Tomco back to the floor. Jericho turns back, and eats the Superkick. He crawls over to pin Jericho, but Christian runs in and attacks him for the Screwjob finish.

Tomco and Christian beat up the already 'worn down' HBK and Y2J a bit, then Tomco holds HBK so Christian can slap him around. Then they leave.

Cut to the 'Hospital Room' and the docs and nurses are running around frantically, then they eject the Geek. We soon hear Kane screaming, 'No! Nooo! NOOO!!'

God bless you, Gene Snitsky.

Commercials. Did you know they serve McDonald's Chicken Strips on planes? Me neither.

Cut to Flair trying to hype up the team, but HHH is angsting about VKM letting the fans pick his opponent for Taboo Tuesday. Dave says, "Screw the fans. Screw 'em."

Flair concurs, telling them Orton probably won't even MAKE it to the Taboo thing, and then quotes HHH, saying that Evolution is THAT damn good. I am so very sad to see this happen...

Recap of the Diva Search highlights, start to finish. It takes three minutes. Not bad for eight weeks of work, huh? Better than a LOT of their talent searches ever did... Oh. Hi, Maven. I was just talking about you.

Maven: (sobs) You're mean!

I know. Why don't you do a dropkick or something? Off a bridge, preferably.

Maven: Waaaugh! (runs away crying)

Good God. I actually enjoyed that. I actually enjoyed a segment with MAVEN. Sure, I wrote it myself, but that's not the point... Wait. I'll remember what the point is... Um...

Commercials. God torments Tiger Woods to help sell a new EA Golf game...

La Resistance is in the ring, and Sylvan says that his opponent is another ignorant American. And it's Maven. Well, when they're right, they're right...

Grenier knocks Maven down and stomps him in the nearside corner, then Super Irish Whips him to the corner and Suplexes him. Then clamps him in a chinlock while clawing at his face. Grenier goes to the midsection with some brawlies, then sends Maven to the corner. Maven catches Grenier with a back elbow, followed by a couple Dropkicks. Three dropkicks. Maven goes to the top and hits a Crossbody. Grenier rolls though for two. Both men up, and Maven goes to the ropes. Sylvan flapjacks him, then pins him. Gets two. Grenier dances happily, and Maven rolls Sylvan up for the win.

Cut to the Geek interviewing the doctors, and they say that Lita's stable, but they lost the baby. Kane freaks out. Lita stares into space. Kane continues to freak out.


Commercials. FABLE on the Xbox. Looks good. We need some more RPGs on the Xbox. Well, some more GOOD ones. Fucking Morrowind...

Simon Dean replay. Nova's selling this like it's his last chance to get over, because it is.

Ross and Lawler are all somber as they offer their condolences to Kane and Lita. You'd swear they thought she was really pregnant from the start... Because you know they're both retarded.

Coach calls out the Divas so we can finally get this shit over with. But before he announces the winner, he wants to express his umbrage at being used as a punching bag, and they've both made an enemy for LIFE out of Coach. He talks some more shit, and then finally gets to it... The winner is... Trish comes out to make this last longer, just in case you don't hate her QUITE as much as you should. She talks some shit to the two chicks, and cracks some lame jokes. She suggests the Zombie could buy some Decaf, and Carmella could buy a personality. Then she says that next week, the winner's gonna be thrown a Victory Party/Initiation, and participation is mandatory... Then she leaves.

Coach yammers some more, then tells us the winner is... The Zombie.


You people let me down. You let me down a LOT.

Coach talks with the winner and loser, and then wraps it up. Thank God. Now all I have to do is make it through a whole year of seeing that assbiting Zombie...




So, this definitely proves that Bobo can pick the losers pretty good. I said it months ago: whomever wins, the loser is Bobo. I am on the way to destruction.

All my base are belong to Vince.

Commercials. (10:41)

we're back for what Ross calls the Mother of All Six-Man Tag Matches... (Shiavonnie much, Jim?) Evolution comes down first (10:44) and tries to wake up the crowd, which is pretty out of it after the Diva segment... (10:46) Benoit comes out. Benjamin comes out next and reaches the ring. (10:47) Orton is the last down the ramp, to much fanfare and sparklies. He reaches the ring and stares at his former comrades a bit, then HHH holds up the title and smirks at him. (10:48) The match is started.

Benjamin and HHH circle each other, then tie up. HHH pushes SB to the nearside, but is knocked down before he can capitalize. HHH back up, and goes to a Headlock takeover. SB turns him over for a one. HHH runs the ropes, but SB kips up, standing ready, so HHH thinks better of the Kneedrop and goes to a Kneelift. SB fires back with a flurry of punches, then whips HHH to the nearside corner and Back Body Drops the Game. HHH bulls Shelton to the Evolution corner, and they try to 3-on-1, but SB gets free and tags Benoit. HHH tags Flair.

The two of them trade Choppy-Woo a bit, with Benoit getting the best of it. Irish whips Naitch to the farside and Back Body Drops him. Flair bounces back up, then hits the Flair Flop. Benoit picks him up tries for a kick. Flair catches it and says 'Woo'. Benoit clouts him with the Enzuigiiri. Flair Flop #2. Flair falls outside, and Benoit goes after him. Orton and HHH mix it up. Orton tries the RKO, but HHH shoves him into the ringpost. Dave caps it off by the running lariat, knocking Orton out.

Commercials. (10:53)

We're back (10:56) Benjamin gets the hot tag from Benoit, and tears Evolution up. Flair in the corner getting beat up, then sent to the Nearside for a Stinger Splash. Dave's in there, but SB ducks the Lariat and bounces Dave off the other corner. Stinger Splash for Dave. HHH is in there and hits the running kneelift. Tag to Dave, who puts SB in a Powerslam, then starts punching him a bit. Tag to Flair, who shoves SB into the nearside for some Choppy-Woo, followed by the beatdown and some mudhole stomping, topped off by a blatant choke. HHH makes a phantom tag from across the ring, so he can get in some free hits. Spinebuster on SB. HHH covers. Benoit breaks it up.

HHH tags Flair, then holds SB up so Flair can chop-block him. Flair with a series of Elbow Drops to SB's calves, then clamps on the Figure Four. SB fades a couple times for a couple two-counts, but he doesn't tap. He turns. He does. HHH makes the save, then tags himself in and makes a few Elbow Drops onto SB's thighs, then hits a Spinning Toe-Hold. Tags in Dave, who hits his own Elbow Drop, then tags Flair back in. SB goes to the belly. Flair goes to the Choppy-Woo. They go toe-to-toe, Flair falls, but ties up SB to prevent the tag. Tag to Dave.

Dave grabs Shelton's foot, but SB hits a reverse Heel-Kick. Dave's down. Tag to Benoit. Benoit knocks HHH and Dave off the apron, then puts Flair in the Triple German which he caps off with the Crossface. HHH breaks it up. HHH knocked out of the ring by Benjamin. Dave in the ring, so he gets a Triple German, too. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter, but HHH breaks it up. HHH rolling Flair to the Heel corner. Benoit crawling to the Face corner, and Orton pops up and tags himself in. RKO's Flair. Orton wins.

Of all the ways they could have finished that match... Flair jobs to a guy that was out cold for all the work? Blech.

Taboo Tuesday... Sigh. Yeah, that'll be great. Sure.

You're welcome. See you SOON.