Hello, my intended...Well, your ol' buddy Bobo is back once again to deliver the awful news that is Monday Night Raw. Unforgiven has come and gone, and much like the madmen they are, they've opted out of the whole 'future of the company' thing and gone back to The Same Old Shit.
Yep, Triple H won the belt off Orton. Yes, most of us knew it, but we still had that tiny shred of hope that The Game would finally let it sink into his Cro-Magnonesque cranium that he's not putting fans in the seats and he should let someone else that can do it do so while he and his wife get stinking rich(er). As much sense as it would've made to have HHH fail in order to truly usher in a new era, he did much like his 'mentors' Flair and Michaels did before him.
Specifically, fucked the company for the sake of their egos. I'm not sure how many of us 'old-timer' type hardcore fans checked out the HHH win and finally threw up their hands and walked out, but I'm sure it's a few more than will be walking IN to the fandom anytime soon. Another squandered opportunity here that just begs the question: How many more of them do they think they'll fucking HAVE? How many more 'money in the bank' angles or stars can possibly come down the pike at this point - especially considering the cataclysmic ass-grab bungles they've made of the ones they did get? How many more 'young lions' will be sacrificed on the altar of Just One More Run?
Do I think Orton could have been the Next Big Thing? Sure. He has a look that brings the teenybopper chicks by the drove. He has a brutal moveset that brings in the 'workrate marks'. He has a certain cocky but affable personality on the microphone that the youngsters would equate with 'cool'. A chiseled physique that brings in the old ladies and the sissy-crowd. A fucking pedigree that brings in the wistful nostalgia fans. At twenty-four, he was PART of the Golden Demographic. He was ONE OF the sort of people that they NEED to keep watching. Someone they could IDENTIFY with...
And all that meant FUCK ALL.
At our 'ugly cousin' site (because 'sister-site' sounds gay), Lethal Wrestling, a columnist by the name of The Snipa quite eloquently made his umbrage known, still stinging with the disgust your choice has inspired in him. You can read it here.
He's not alone.
There's more than a few of us out here, try as you might to marginalize us or our 'effect' on the business. We used to buy tickets and PPVs and shirts and all that other crap that made your Father-in-Law a billionaire so long ago... Now, your wife's pappy is significantly less than a billionaire, not that you're counting on a big inheritence when you've got that 'twenty pounds of gold' to see you through the leaner years to come...
Congratulations, Levesque. As long as you're around the bitter, ranting op-col smarks will always be right enough to keep railing away at the place, and in doing so continue to chip away at your dwindling fanbase as places like this and Lethal climb higher in the Google searches. As long as you're around, people like Honkytonk Man, Ultimate Warrior, and Tom Zenk look all the more like wizened sages. Well, maybe not Warrior, but you get the idea...
Enjoy yourself, Hunter. I'm told they threw quite the shindig on the fucking Titanic. What's a little ice between friends?
In other news, Benoit and Regal defeated Flair and Batista, with Flair once again doing the J-O-B so Batista can still be a 'Monster'. Sigh. Attaboy, Naitch. Keep pumping that dry well. Flair's got more chance of getting milk out of his floppy man-teats than he'll EVER have of getting Dave over, but if he was smart enough to give up on a hopeless cause he'd have fucking retired already, so there ya go...
Trish retains, with help from Tomco. Stevie Richards manages to be 'outed' as the Chunky Chick to the Rescue while helping to disprove an Ancient Law of Comedy Specifically, "Men dressed as women are Funny." Gone are the days of Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon. Gone are the days of even Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari... Because of you, Steve. Although I'll admit that Ted Danson in Three Men and a Baby did similar damage, that was back in 1987 and it was almost healed up before you stumble-bummed along. Nice work. Dumbass.
Jericho wins the Ladder Match, becoming the IC Champion. Maybe this will lead to a reunion of Edge/Christian...? Nah.
La Resistance retains against Tajiri and Rhyno. I am stunned. No, really. My only question now is what other two random dipshits do they still have to throw together to make it look like there's a Tag Team Division on Raw? Rosey and Hurricane? Bitch, PLEASE!
Shawn Michaels, after months 'convalescing in the hospital', came back and shitcanned all that Crazy Monster stuff Kane's been trying to get over for the past who-knows-how-long. Yeah, that'll help a bunch, Glenn. A guy fresh off the bedpan hands you your fucking head... Nice. Oh, well, it's not like you're a stranger to old 'Square One', right?
Wel-Come-BACK! Wel-Come-BACK!
Tonight's Raw comes at us from Seattle, Washington. Two bitches will fight after one is fired. That's the only fucking match they shill for the show in the ten minutes till showtime segment...
Fuck. I better put the sharp stuff away while there's still time. This might be one of those nights.
Eric's picture is booed.
Standard Raw intro... Michaels is part of the montage.
There's a big cake in the ring, along with a gaggle of random bitches... Ric Flair has the microphone. Flair introduces the nine-time champion, and Triple H makes his entrance with the belt. Batista and the chicks bow in that 'Not Worthy' way Mike Myers made famous, and as HHH gets into the ring we're showered with confetti and silly-string. Hugs and shit for everyone.
Flair pops over the girls, and tells them to back off because the Game has to make a victory speech...
Hunter asks if we can feel it. The excitement in the air. You know why? Because the King is back on his throne. (Careful Hunter, the King <i>died</i> on the throne, if I remember my Elvis History.) The chicks genuflect in reverence, and Hunter says there's plenty of time for them to get on their knees.
Stephanie does a spit-take, then starts sharpening that axe.
Hunter crows about how everyone was so laughing about Orton spitting in his face, and how everyone was chanting RKO - but he's the one laughing now. He also likens what he did to coughing up the rankest, vilest, greenest phlegm he could muster and spit it in all of our faces. (No, shit, really?) He's the champ now, and there's nothing we can do about it, so now is the time to party like a Champion. Some of the chicks rip Hunter's shirt off.
Hunter says that the cake looks like someone could fit inside of it. And if he knows Flair, as hot as the chicks are in the ring - what's in the cake should be something to behold. Flair says it was Dave's idea. Hunter pauses and says it doesn't matter whose idea it was, let's have that cake...
Orton pops out of it and beats the shit out of Evolution, then beltshots HHH into the cake. HHH's legs are kicking from the top of the cake like he's trying out for synchronized swimming, and Orton leaves the ring admiring his handiwork.
Commercials. Family Bonds, on HBO, will show us the reality-based fun adventures of a family that makes their living as bail-bondsmen/women. Yeah, that'll be a good replacement for the Sopranos. Sure.
We're back with some outside shots of the Space Needle, and shills for the morons still willing to sponsor this crap.
Replay of Orton smashing Evolution, and then footage of Evolution pulling HHH out of the cake. Dave's got a busted nose, and HHH flops around after tripping in the silly string.
Cut to HHH and Evolution in Eric's office, and HHH demands Orton. Eric says that he'll let Evolution have him - in a three on one handicap match. HHH pronounces, "Orton's a dead man."
Benoit comes out to jerk the curtain... The more things change, right Chris? Benoit strides to the ring and soaks up a modest pop. He will face Rob Conway, with Sylvan Grenier in his corner... Heh. You were the main event ten weeks ago, Chris. Remember? Wish you were dead yet?
Regal comes out in a suit to even the odds from the floor. Conway and Benoit circle, and Rob gets in the early brawlies. Conway with an Irish Whip, but Benoit slides under and makes with the Choppy-Woo. Benoit with an Irish Whip, tries for the Back Body Drop, but gets kicked.
Conway comes off the ropes for momentum, but Benoit catches him with a double-leg pickup and tries for the Sharpshooter. Conway bails out of the ring. Crowd chants USA. Conway back into the ring. Benoit with a Snap Suplex. Conway with brawlies in the Heel corner. Benoit fights out, but Conway beats him down with clubbing forearms, then chokes him on the ropes a bit. Conway plants a big kneelift in Benoit's chest, then Whips him to the Face corner and runs him over with a lariat. Benoit tries to fight his way out again, so Conway claws at his face and then clamps on that kneeling inverted Head Vise. Crowd cheers for Benoit, so Benoit gets loose and runs the ropes, but Conway tosses him over the top rope. Conway follows him out and they exchange a series of chops, then Rob hits another kneelift and rolls Benoit back in for a cover. Gets two.
Rob tries for a suplex, but Benoit counters with the Inside Cradle. Gets one. Rob puts Benoit in the Nearside and they brawl some more. Conway gets the upper hand with some shoulderblocks to the belly, then bounces Benoit off the Farside buckles with the Super Irish Whip and tops it off by taking the boots to him. Benoit on the apron, and Conway moves to capitalize. Benoit with a massive shoulderblock, then goes for the Sunset Flip. Conway hangs onto Sylvan to try and counter, but Regal knocks Grenier for a row of ashcans. Conway goes over, gets two.
Benoit hits a Snap Suplex, then another cover. Gets two. Benoit hits the Triple German, which he chains to the Crossface. Conway taps. Nice match. Regal nods in approval and then turns and leaves. Grenier is still nowhere to be seen. Power of the punch, I guess...
Commercials. Smackdown your Vote will present a debate on the Issues Important to Us. JBL will represent the Republicans, and Foley will debate for the Democrats. I guess. Well, it's probably gonna be better than Kerry/Bush talking for a few hours at each other. Then again, you know what? I think I'll just eat some glass instead... Yeah, that's always fun.
Shelton Benjamin vignette. He'll be back soon.
Sigh. It's time for another round of Diva Gets the Can. Stacy is making her way to the ring, because I guess nobody else will touch this segment without a gun to their head. She asks us if we're ready to see the Divas get it on? If we're ready to see a Seattle Slugfest. The crowd realizes they don't have a choice, and hope it's over with soon...
Molly comes out, and she's got something to say. She thinks it's pathetic that the chicks, which are not former women's champion, are getting all the attention - and Stacy's <i>helping</i> them. Molly then says that she'll beat Stacy's ass at anything there is to beat her at - and to prove it, she'll even let Stacy pick the event.
Stacy picks Dancing. Molly is not shaken, since she's had eight years of ballet. Molly dances surprisingly well to Regal's fanfare. Stacy's turn, and she gyrates to the Commodores' "Brick House". The fans are happy. Molly isn't, so she beats Stacy's ass. Nidia comes to the rescue and lays Molly out. Stacy hits the Nash Choke on Molly. Gail Kim to the rescue. Victoria to the rescue. Trish to the rescue... Bedlam. Eric pops up on the Titantron and says that "since they all want some action, let's do it the right way". Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night, there...
Unfortunately, Eric's idea of 'the right way' tonight will be a six-chick tag match... Aw, come on, Bischoff. Can't you do the good shit without a handful of singles and your wife watching?
Commercials.
We're back, and Trish tries the Handstand spot on Nidia. Nidia shoves her off and then makes with a series of Forearm Shivers, then bounces Stratus off the buckles. Trish hits a Spinebuster, which gets two. Trish kicks on Nidia while she's down for a bit, then sits on her and punches her in the skimmer some. Trish then puts Nidia on the ropes and chokes down on her. Molly distracts the ref so Trish can continue the strangling, then Trish covers. Gets two. Tag to Kim. Nidia's whipped to the Farside. Stratus charges her, but Nidia leaps out of danger and Sunset Flips Kim for a one-count. Kim responds with a Leg Grapevine. Nidia manages to reach the ropes. The heels work a triple team, but the ref restores order. Nidia hits a nice Neckbreaker on Kim, then tags Victoria. Kim tags Molly. Molly hits a Backdrop Suplex on Victoria. Stacy tags herself in and schoolboys Molly for the win.
Back to Eric in the office, and Kane is visiting. He tells Eric that we've got a bit of a problem - because his bitch wife cost him his match at Unforgiven! Eric asks how he can help. Kane demands Michaels tonight. Eric says Michaels is to be on the Highlight Reel tonight, but he can have HBK any other night. Kane's says it's not good enough. Eric offers him anyone else he can find on a silver platter for a No-DQ match, so Kane can take out his frustrations as only Kane can. Kane is assuaged, and leaves with a toothy smile.
They start shilling Wrestlemania 21... In April. Tickets go on sale for the show in Los Angeles tomorrow. Hey, they just might have given themselves enough time to sell them all. Six months? That's only, what, ten-thousand tickets a month...?
Must... Not... Laugh...
Commercials.
We're back, and Jericho makes his entrance with the IC belt for another interview with Michaels... That's what, three? Four times? Sigh. Jericho soaks up a decent pop, and then welcomes us to the Highlight Reel - but for him, the real highlight was last night at Unforgiven, wherein he was brutalized with the ladder - including a metal enema, thanks for asking. And yet he persevered and became a record-breaking seventh time IC Champion. Jericho then introduces Michaels with far more love than the guy that constantly holds him down should get, and Michaels comes down the ramp with much fanfare and pyro.
Jericho says it's great to have Michaels back on Raw, and you would just love to believe him if you didn't know better. HBK gets the stick and says that after all that crap he went through, to get the win and beat Kane's ass uglier. Jericho says that it was quite an accomplishment, but not quite as lovely as his record-breaking seventh IC win. Shawn says that's why he came out in his wrestling gear. Seems they're still a bit, y'know, even, so why don't they have a match tonight for the IC?
Tomco and Christian appear, and Christian talks some shit - drawing parallels to himself and HBK. How they were former tag-specialists, yet went solo and got themselves a bodyguard - and went on to become the greatest of all stars in the sky... Christian says that the person who gets that IC shot should be him. HBK says why don't he and Christian have a match tonight, and then whomever wins will fight for the belt?
Jericho talks it up with the front row, and says that while they'd love to see the match - they know that the Bald Assclown Tomco will just interfere, just like always, and they're SICK of it. (God Bless that Canadian bastard. Honest to Christ.) Jericho says instead of that bullshit, how about we get HBK and Y2J against Christian and Tomco. Tomco accepts.
Time to clear the ring so we can have the match... In the meantime, how about some
Commercials. Some contortionist chick laying on the floor runs around her own head before getting an M&M's M-Azing bar. Holy shit, that's fucked up. How it sells candy is still a fucking mystery to me.
Tomco is bashing on HBK, then holds him so Christian can get in some hits. Christian with a Side Headlock, then sends HBK to the ropes. HBK with a Thesz Press and some punches on the CLB, then tags in Jericho. Jericho hits the Vertical Suplex, then tries the one-foot pin. Gets one. Jericho tries an Irish Whip, but Christian hangs onto the ropes. Jericho pounds on him, then tags HBK.
HBK with some brawlies, but Christian buys enough time to tag Tomco. You can hear Michaels giving Tyson instructions in the Farside corner, then Tyson tries a kick. HBK catches it and knocks Tomco down. HBK picks him back up for an Arm-wringer, but Tyson counters with a Short-arm Lariat. HBK is clamped in a Neck-Vise. HBK fights free, but Tomco floors him with a reverse elbow, then tags in Christian. Christian with a Neckbreaker. Gets two. Christian with a Blatant Choke, then chokes Michaels on the middle rope a bit. Then chokes Michaels in the Heel corner. Then Chokes Michaels on the opposite middle rope. Christian goes to the ropes for momentum, and Michaels dives aside. CLB bounces off the ropes as HBK tags Y2J.
Jericho cleans house, and then tries to go to the Walls. Tyson tries a clothesline from the apron, but Jericho ducks it and feeds him a Springboard Missile Dropkick. Christian bails out, so Jericho hits him and Tyson on the floor with a Flying Cross Body.
Commercials.Bald pated Terry Bradshaw shills for Supercuts. Y'know, is it my imagination, or is everyone named Bradshaw a fucking shit-for-head?
Back, and Tomco is strangling Jericho. Jericho tries to get in some offense, but Tomco dumps him. Tag to Christian, who hits a Snapmare then clamps Jericho in a kneeling Chinlock. They rest a bit before Jericho gets loose, but Christian with a Hairpull Takedown. CLB teases HBK, who tries to get in. The ref ejects Michaels while Tomco chokes Jericho. CLB with a Backbreaker, then teases Michaels again. Michaels tries to come in. Ref puts him out. Tomco chokes Jericho. Tag to Tomco.
Tomco lays the big brawlies on Jericho to soften him up something fierce. Tag to Christian. Christian runs to the ropes for momentum, but Jericho hits that Flying Neckbreaker. Tag to HBK. HBK beats up everyone. Tomco is the legal man, I think. Manhattan Drop on Tomco. Flying Elbow Drop on Tomco. Strike up the Band... Christian with a Double Leg pickup from the outside, then crotches HBK on the ringpost. Jericho makes the save and takes down Christian outside as Tomco gets up and tries the Lunge Kick. HBK dodges, and hits the Superkick. HBK and Jericho wins. Christian backjumps Michaels and hits him with the Unprettier on the floor. Michaels is ruined, and Jericho stares after Christian and Tomco as they escape up the ramp.
Up next, Bitch Brawl for All 2004. Can't wait. I'm all out of glass to chew, but I still feel the urge to suffer needlessly. That Diva-shit should do the trick, right? Sure.
Commercials.
The Simon System... Good lord, is that Simon Diamond as a bogus Infomercial Fitness Dipshit? (203) 352-1587... Lawler says Ross should give it a call, so I guess someone else has sold out.
Coach is in the ring, and he calls out the three remaining chicks. Good gravy, those are the biggest boxing gloves I've seen this side of a Macy's Parade. And the chick getting fired today? Joy. FUCK. Carmella and the Zombie will box until one of them is knocked down inside of two minutes. If neither, the fans will decide who wins.
But before that, Vince McMahon comes out. He's walking like there's a VERY big stick up his ass. Either that, or he rode to Seattle from New Hampshire on horseback. He's gonna tell us that next week is the New Season Premiere of Raw, and he's got a groundbreaking announcement to make then. About Eric. About the staff. About all us fans... But that's next week. This week, he's got just one announcement - for Coach. Oh, it seems that instead of the chicks beating the hell out of each other, they'll get to beat the hell out of Coach. Carmella thanks her God of choice as the Zombie sulks. Vince makes Coach stand in the center of the ring and put his hands behind his back so the chicks can tune him up, and if Coach dares budge to defend himself, he's fired.
The referee tell them to punch the shit out of Coach, and even pop him in the ding-ding if they must. Zombie starts and she pounds on Coach some, then pops him in the dingding. Then jumps on his back and takes him down. Then she bites his ass. I wish I was kidding. I really do. Guess that means Coach'll be a Zombie soon, but how the fuck would we be able to tell the difference?
Carmella next with the beating of the Coach, and she knocks Coach down. Twice. Three times. Four times. Coach is crawling in place, and the referee names Zombie the winner of the bout after gauging the crowd. Coach manages to come to and give us the numbers to call, because our vote counts and shit... I don't think any of us still believe that, John. Call it a hunch.
We get a quick replay of Coach's beating highlights, then cut to Kane dragging his bitch-wife to the ring. Nice muumuu, Amy. Flowery blue suits you.
Commercials. If it wasn't for 1-800-Call-Att, Carrot Top would be gone forever. That's a good enough a reason to boycott them, isn't it? Is it too much to ask that someone shoot that gangly fuckstick already?
Lawler and Ross update us on Eugene's condition, saying that it's the worst shoulder-separation the doctor's ever seen. Kane comes out to battle Gene Snitsky.
Kane beats the Snitsky out of Gene, then hits the Giant Boot, a Kneedrop, and then the Irish Whip to the corner. Snitsky fighting back with a couple punches, but Kane floors him with that uppercut. Kane is talking shit, so Gene lowblows him. Kane Giant Boots Snitsky inside out, and then goes and gets a chair.
Kane puts Gene Snitsky's head in the chair and then climbs the buckles. Lita comes into the ring and takes the chair off Gene's head. Kane gives her a talking to, and Gene gets in a chairshot. Kane catapults into Lita, going down on top of her. Kane flips out and calls for medics as Lita favors her belly. Kane shows an uncharacteristic concern for his bitch-wife, and makes sure the trainers and referees that come out to assist them know they should help her all they can because she's pregnant. Kane reassures Lita that the baby's gonna be okay as they put her on the stretcher.
Commercials. Comcast on Demand. We can see the Butterfly Effect all we like on there... Yeah, that'll sell it.
We're back and they're JUST getting Lita out of there, so they replay the pertinent bits of Kane's Clumsy Abortion Clinic.
Smackdown Rebound (10:54) has a lumberjack match vs. Eddy and Angle. Luther Rains interferes. Hell breaks loose. Big Show comes back and flattens the entire Smackdown Roster.
Cut back to Kane and the medics loading Lita onto the ambulance for the Big Red Ride. Heh. That's pretty funny.
Commercials. (10:57)
We're back for Evolution's entrance (11:00). They make their way to the ring. Replay of Randy popping out of the cake to eat up time. Orton's intro begins (11:02). He makes his way to the ring, totally nonplussed about the odds being against him. He enters the ring and Flair starts choking him, then the Choppy-Woo. Orton with some punches, then Flair gets the Back Body Drop. Tag to HHH. Orton puts HHH in the Nearside and pounds on him, then Whips him to the ropes. HHH slides outside, but Orton slides out after him and knocks him down. Flair tries to help, so he gets knocked down too. Orton back in the ring, and HHH tags in Dave.
Dave bulls Orton to the Face corner, and then Spinebusters him. Tag to HHH. HHH with some punches on Orton, and Orton tries to Irish Whip. HHH reverses and Orton hits the corner. HHH tries for the Pedigree, but Orton counters with a double-leg pickup. Orton tries a Sharpshooter, but HHH shoves him backwards into the corner. Randy bounces off and falls headfirst into HHH's little Hunter.
Dave comes in and lariats Orton inside out. Flair comes in, too and the three of them start working Orton over. Shelton Benjamin comes to the rescue. They manage to fight 2 on 3, but the odds still need to be evened. So Benoit comes out. 3 on 3, Evolution gets beat down. Orton RKO's Dave. Benoit, Orton and Benjamin stand united against Evolution... Fade to black.
Not bad, considering how little time they still had... Well done, kids.
However, I know I speak for everyone when I say...
THANK YOU, GENE SNITSKY!
You've done a HUGE service for all of us, and you've got yourself a brand new #1 fan. His name is Bobo.You're welcome. See you SOON.