Hello, my intended...
Well, kids... I dunno about you, but that last Diva thing has actually generated some fucking interest in these useless, vacuous, shitbricker bitches. My greatest concern here is that these worthless sacks of silicone/seawater might just end up POPULAR because of how gleefully they dove into the gutter.
As Stacy explained, one of a Diva's most important skills is being able to speak to a live audience on Live TELEVISION. How can Vince and the crew hire ANY of these tarts after seeing he couldn't trust them to use 'the most important skill' without pissing off the FCC? Please note that I'm not one to object to harsh language, far from it if you read these recaps.
Although it significantly reduces the sexiness of a woman to me (and apparently YMMV), it still isn't something I want to be banned. They fucked up. I know. It's practically guaranteed that they'll fuck up, because they're inexperienced and pretty (stupid). I hope they never do that again, but with my luck (since I said that about the goddamn pie-eating contest) they'll fucking TOP it this week. If you lot are willing to forgive their little bout of the gutter-mouth because they are 'hawt', go right ahead. All that last week's fucking disaster proved to me was that this 'Diva Search' is a total bust of a pretty stupid idea.
For my opinion, it being the 'Best Diva segment ever' is a dubious honor at best. I was a bit more impressed when they tore Bischoff's mock-office to bits in the early goings, and by comparison the 'Verbal Seduction of Kamala' was goddamn Shakespeare. So for me, I vote it as third best - solely for the bug-eyed shock plastered on Stacy. Perhaps a poll is in order? I'm already voting the Diva Search as my candidate for RD's 2004 Gooker award.
In other somewhat interesting news... 9-29-03. What is that, you ask? That's when I decided to take over these fucking Recaps. Holy Super Hero In Training, Hurricane! I've been doing this nearly regularly for almost a YEAR? I feel so... dirty. And along those lines, November 7 will mark my Two Year Anniversary at TRP. No, it doesn't matter. I just think it'd be kinda funny... if it wasn't so fucking SAD. I even get to do a Recap the day after said Anniversary. Joy of joys. That should be interesting... And bitter. Mostly bitter.
Well, here's hoping we get at least three matches this week. I'll even accept a squash or two at this point.
Eric's picture is booed.
Replay of HHH bitching and moaning about how he made Orton, and Orton chasing Evolution away with a Sledgehammer. Then Orton getting ejected. Also shown, Eugene getting the win on HHH with some help from Orton.
Standard Raw Intro. Kane's wedding is part of it, which makes Bobo sad.
Raw is coming at us from Wichita Falls, Texas, and we're told that Orton will be defending his title against Kane. There's also a steel cage already set up, and Bischoff's in there. Eric steals from Seinfeld and asks, "What's the deal with the steel cage?" (Not a bad Seinfeld, there, Bischoff) Oh, and since HHH didn't get the job done against Gene, he's giving us HHH against Gene again, only this time in the steel. Eric also says anyone who interferes before, during or after said match will be indefinitely suspended.
Bischoff calls the cage to be lifted. Eric explains that Edge is going to be out of action a minimum of 4-6 weeks for that torn groin, and that means the mandatory defense will expire in that time, so why wait? Edge is now stripped of the IC strap, and that's a cold, hard, fact. Christian comes out. New music, but a bit generic-rock. Bischoff looks either worried or constipated.
Christian gets the mic, and says the fact are that the Peeps are gonna be rioting in the streets and hand it over to Captain Charisma: Christian. Jericho comes out next. Sigh, I thought these two were never gonna battle again...? Jericho comes to the ring to REALLY overbook this, and Christian and Bischoff look askance as the crowd chants 'Y2J!"
Jericho says that Eric should sign the match for him and Christian for said strap tonight. Bischoff says it's a good idea, but not for tonight - for the PPV. Jericho says he and Christian have fought many, many, many times, so they need something extra. Let's have the crowd decide what sort of match it should be. Eric also likes that, and asks if they wanna see them battle for the IC strap in the cage?
Christian begs off, since the last time he was in a cage with Jericho he was put out for four long months... Christian offers the crowd an alternative: No Countout Match.
Crowd doesn't like it. Christian insists they're saying 'BOO(yah)!' because they like it. Jericho calls him a jackass. Jericho offers a Ladder Match for the CLB against Y2J.
Eric says, "It's on!" Jericho makes sure that he's okaying the Ladder
Match. Eric reiterates it is on. Then Jericho beats Christian's EN-TIRE
ass and puts him in the Walls, but Tomco runs out and
shit out of Christian's back yanking him clear saves him. Also,
an eight-man match is up next...
Commercials. A chocolate candy bar with mini M&Ms in it is introduced. 'M-Azing', they call it. I wish I was kidding.
Evolution's Music begins, and Flair and Batista come out. I guess La Resistance is the other two heels, eh? Who else, right? Who else indeed, as the Quebecers v2.0 come out waving the blue and white...
Next up, Rhyno and Tajiri charge the ring Ultimate Warrior style and stand there outnumbered, but untouched. Regal and Benoit will be their help, and they stride out to the ring.
Benoit and Flair start it out, and Flair shoves Benoit into the nearside for some Choppy-Woo. Benoit turns it around and makes his own Choppy-Woo. They go back and forth with the Choppy-Woo some, then Benoit tosses Flair to the Farside corner and Back Body Drops him. Flair gets up looking dizzy and punching the air. Flair Flop as Benoit looks on. Tajiri and Conway tagged, and after Tajiri beats on Conway with some kicks, the Heels hop in to help, and we have 8-Man Bedlam.
And Commercials. BK is offering us R&B music if we buy Whoppers. Have it Your Way.
We're back, and Flair is Choppy-Woo all over Regal. Regal switches up and brawls Flair up, then sends him to the Farside for a Back Body Drop. Regal with a kneedrop, then tags Rhyno. Rhyno spears Flair in the Farside corner a couple times. Flair tags Dave. Dave with some brawlies, Rhyno with a back elbow in the nearside corner. Dave with a Spinebuster. Tag to Conway, who Super Irish Whips Rhyno to the Farside. Rhyno falls down. Tag to Grenier. Grenier with a kneedrop, then a lateral press. Gets two.
Rhyno worked over in the Heel corner as Sylvan distracts the ref. Tag to Flair. Choppy-Woos. Rhyno battles back, knocking Flair down, but Flair grapevines on Rhyno's leg, preventing the tag and tags in Conway. Conway with a series of punches, then a lateral press. Gets two. Tag to Flair. Choppy Woos, followed by a kneedrop. Flair goes to the ropes and tries a haymaker, but Rhyno blocks it and they both end up down. Tag to Conway. Hot tag to Benoit.
Benoit with a Snap Suplex on Conway. Grenier comes in and gets the Triple German. Dave comes in to make the save and gets his own German Suplex. Rhyno Gores Dave. Grenier and Flair come in, and Tajiri kicks Sylvan's head CLEAN off as Regal pops in and knocks himself and Flair out of the ring. Benoit applies the Sharpshooter to Conway in the confusion. Conway taps.
They replay the Diss the Diva thing. God knows why. Maybe they don't want us to cheer that pretty decent match? Umm... Why?
Commercials. Soul Plane is coming to DVD, unrated. I beg to differ, kids. It's been rated. Look carefully: "It sucks... the SHIT... out of a DEAD BABY'S... ASS!"
Smackdown Rebound... Two of three falls match with Angle and Eddy. Eddy is DQed for the first fall. Eddy reverses the Angle Slam REALLY nice to take the second fall, and Luther helps Angle take the third.
Grisham to interview Orton. Orton explains that he's gonna beat HHH at Unforgiven, and that Orton will go in there with the Least Chance Available to Him to win the belt. Orton does an ape/Tarzan impression to mock HHH. Not bad, Randy. Orton also explains how HHH makes lots of plans, but they just don't seem to be working out lately... HHH's Legend will meet the Legend Killer at Unforgiven.
Trish is trying to fuck with Lita at the buffet table, and she says it's so clever of her to insert HBK into the Kane match, but she wouldn't have to if she didn't let Kane insert himself into her. Lita tells her to just keep it up, then leaves. Nidia's there. Trish calls her 'another ugly baby'. Nidia curses her out in Espanol. Trish says she doesn't speak German, so could she use a language she can understand? Nidia slaps her, then throws her juice in Trish's face. Yeah, you don't need a translator for that, do ya?
Commercials. They dropped the price of the Gameboy Advance SP to $79.99. I guess now's a bad time to mention I use the computer to play Gameboy, huh? Yeah, probably is...
Trish comes out still soaked in Nidia's juice... Shit, I just did the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night! Damn. Took long enough.
Nidia comes out next, from Puerto Rico, even. Nidia in the ring real quick and she goes nose to nose with Trish, then shoves her. Bell rings. Nidia with a wristlock, but Trish with a hairpull takedown breaks it up. Nidia shoves Trish to the Farside Corner for some shoulderblocks to the belly, then hits a hairpull of her own. Nidia and Trish mat wrestle a bit, but Trish gets a kick into Nid's ribs, and then tosses her through the ropes to the floor.
Nidia back in, and Trish meets her with a stomp and a lateral press. Gets two. Trish bounces Nidia into the buckles, then sends her to the ropes. Nid reverses and tries a Back Body Drop. Trish kicks her in the head. They brawl back and forth, then Nidia puts Trish in the Face corner for the Buckle Mount Punches. The ref pulls Nidia off and scolds her, and Trish gets in the Chick Kick while they're distracted. Pinfall. Trish wins.
HHH guarantees this is 'it' for Eugene, and Eric is planning to throw him a party when it's all done. HHH wants no party, he only wants Orton to see the 'epic ass-kicking' Eugene gets and realize that Orton's getting one himself at Unforgiven, and after HHH becomes the new champ, THEN he'll take the party. HHH strides off, and Eric says, "Game on."
Commercials. Orange and Creme Slurpee at 7-11... Yeah, sounds sorta ridiculous to me, too. Why would I pay $2.50 to drink a fucking 25 cent Creamcicle?
Eugene is making his happy little way to the ring, and he seems a bit confused by the steel cage. Yeah, he's never been in one of these, I remember. Gene looks a bit unwilling to get in there, but Hebner talks him into it. Eventually.
HHH comes down the ramp next to a modest pop. His belly is taped, likely as a nod to the hammer-shot last week. HHH enters the ring as they tell us the match can be won with pinfall, submission or escape. Gene looks pretty antsy in there as they shut the gate, and HHH leaps over and punches Gene down, then picks him up and bounces him off the gate. Gene loses it and brawls HHH down to the mat in the Face corner, then Whips HHH to the Heel corner. Trips comes off trying to attack, but Gene clotheslines him. Gene tries to get out the cage, but HHH makes the stop like a hockey goalie.
Gene bounces the back of HHH's head off the fence some, and then tries to climb out. HHH stops him, crotching him on the top buckle, then climbing up and punching him in the back of the head, speckled with bouncing his face off the cage. Gene's busted open, and HHH hops off, leaving Gene dangling in a Tree of Woe. HHH picks him up and throws him to the Heel corner, then starts punching him in the temple. After that, HHH rubs Gene's face in the chainlink. HHH makes to pick him up again, but Gene punches in desperation into HHH's bad ribs a few times. HHH slaps on the Sleeper, but Gene manages to surge forward and bounce HHH off the gate to free himself.
Gene crawling to the exit, and HHH just BARELY comes to in enough time to grab him by the leg. Gene kicks him off, but HHH tries again, and pulls him back in the ring. HHH ricochets Gene off the farside fencing about six times, then hits the Pedigree. HHH walks to the door, and it's opened for him, but he pulls it closed and walks back to beat on Gene some more... He drags Gene to the Face corner, and climbs to the top. HHH puts his knee on Gene's shoulder, and rides him down to the mat. Gene writhes in agony as HHH looks on smugly. Gene's left is hanging pretty limp, there, and then HHH walks nice and slow out of the cage. HHH wins.
The trainers and EMTs tend to Gene, and HHH goes back and gives Eugene what Mr.Perfect gave Arn Anderson for 'his spot'. Head slammed in the gate, if you didn't watch/don't remember WCW. Got his bad arm in there, too.
Commercials. WWe Fantasy Salary Cap game! I'm on the way, kids!
Replay of Eugene getting destroyed.
And now to Coachman... He blowjobs Eric, and that Bischoff always gets what he wants - such as taking Edge's IC title. Edge is there, and he's pretty miffed at having to lose it without being beaten, because Bischoff doesn't know what it's like to be a champion. All Eric knows is what it's like to kiss Evolution's ass. Edge shoves Coach away and then hobbles off.
Lita is being shown by Kane what happened to Michaels the last time Michaels and he were in the ring. It's the chair/neck spot. Lita doesn't wanna see it. Kane reminds her that since they're partners now, SHE is just as responsible for what happens to Michaels as she is for what'll happen to Orton TONIGHT. He then promises to do the same as he did to HBK to Randy, and orders Lita to be there to watch...
And now, a quick shill/rundown of the Unforgiven Card, mixed in with visuals courtesy of that WWe Gamecube game... Bleh.
Hmm... Still no bitches? Maybe Vince had them all killed...? Hey, that makes me feel a lot better. I know I'm not that lucky, but don't deny me my little moment of serenity, okay?
Cut to Jericho in the back, and he's gonna face Tyson Tomco tonight. Next, even.
Commercials. Taco Bell has a value menu, and they say that you can be FULL - if you like to eat crap.
Jericho making his way to the ring to get 'softened up' by Tomco. Jericho was born in Manhattan, New York, Lillian tells the crowd. Yeah, that'll get him over... in TEXAS. Dumb whore.
Tomco comes out accompanied by Christian. Tyson gets into the ring and they sound the bell. Jericho warns Christian out on the floor, and Tomco goes for the early start, but Jericho gets out of danger and drop-toes Tomco across the ropes. Jericho makes a sudden move towards Christian, and Christian flees the area. Tomco uses the distraction to do a chokeslam on Jericho, followed by a Surfboard. Jericho turns the tables, and tries to apply the Walls. Christian comes back out with a ladder. Jericho gets his head kicked in by Tomco, but responds with the running enzuigiiri. Jericho makes the pin, but Christian is on the apron to distract the ref from counting. Tomco hits a nice Argentine Backbreaker to Samoan Neckbreaker Drop, and gets the win.
Christian comes in with the ladder and he and Tomco work Jericho over with said ladder.
Commercials. De LaHoya is hosting a boxing reality show... The Next Great Champ, eh? Suuuure. This is a worse idea than your singing career, Oscar... Well, it's a pretty close call, anyway.
Kiebler is in the ring for Diva Gets the Can. She shows off the 1/4 Million Dollar prize, and then calls the Hopefuls out. They're in dresses this time, but they're pretty slutty looking dresses. One of them is transparent. Well, they all are, but one of the dresses is, too. Stacy has them line up against the ropes, and before we do we'll have a Diva arm-wrestling match. The overall winner will get to throw a bucket of chili on the three losers... Stacy explains what they'd said last week to each other last week as they arm-wrestle.
The Zombie wins the arm-wrestling. She slops up the others. Be funny if she loses after this, huh? She doesn't. Amy loses. What did I tell you people? Get rid of the Zombie! I won't tell you again.
Stacy runs down the numbers to call for the remaining three... Kane vs. Orton is next.
Commercials. Oh, look, Smackdown is doing Tough Enough now... For a million bucks. Enter now! Smackdown needs all the help it can get.
Shelton Benjamin is coming back. Good. Very good. I missed him. Ross tells us that the word is that Eugene's pretty much done from his injuries earlier. Lawler tells us that the two Divas left after next week's vote will have a boxing match...
Randy Orton comes out and gets a mild pop. Crowd's pretty dead after the Diva wrist wrestling, so don't feel too bad, kid. Then Kane comes out dragging Lita along behind him. Lita's in a poncho. Kane gets in there and stares at Orton. Orton stares back.
Bell rings, and they circle each other before tying up. Kane pushes Orton to the Face corner, and then breaks clean. Orton slaps him. Kane tosses Orton to the Heel corner, but Orton floats over Kane coming in and slaps him in the back of the head. Kane is not amused, and chases Orton out and around the ring. Orton back in. Kane tries to follow, but gets dropkicked. Kane not happy, and gets back in again. Orton charges and Kane Back Body Drops him to the apron. Orton looks like he stressed his leg on the top rope. Kane comes in to capitalize, but gets thumbed in the eye. Orton goes to the top and leaps off in a High Cross Body. Kane gets flattened. Orton goes to the ropes, but Kane is up and kicks his skull in.
Kane goes outside and gets a chair. Lita tries to talk him out of it. She fails. Kane turns to Orton, and Orton hits a lowblow for the DQ.
HHH runs out and motions for the cage to be lowered. Bischoff is right behind him, and says that the match will continue. I guess it may as well. They've still got five or seven minutes... Time enough for some
Commercials. Wimbledon is the setting - and title - for a lame romantic comedy.
We're back, and Kane hauls Orton onto his shoulders and battering rams him into the cage. Kane steps on his head as HHH looks on. Kane pulls Orton up and sets him in the corner for to brawl him into little pieces. Kane with a clothesline on the Champ, then a Neck Vise. Orton in trouble, and Kane sends him sprawling with a hard Kneelift, then sits on his chest and punches him some.
Kane tries to continue, but Orton punches free and backs Kane up with some brawlies. Orton goes to the ropes for momentum, but gets Powerslammed, then put in the Neck Vise again. HHH tells Kane to break Orton's neck. You can hear it because the crowd's so quiet.
Orton starts fighting his way free with elbows, then goes to the ropes again so Kane can flatter him with a clothesline. Kane with the pin, and gets two. Kane brawls him some, then flings him headlong into the cage walls. Orton responds with a kick to the belly, a European Uppercut, and a series of fists. Orton comes off the ropes again, and is Sidewalk Slammed. Kane goes to the top, but Orton leaps to the ropes and Kane is crotched on the buckles. Orton dropkicks him while he's sitting there, and continues to beat on Kane's head and shoulders. Orton to the ropes, Kane tries another grab, but Orton slips loose and shoves him headlong into the chainlink - then hits the Hangman's Backbreaker. Orton starts to climb out, but then Kane sits up and pulls him back down. Orton grabs the chair that was still in there as Kane prepares for the Chokeslam, and wallops Kane with it - then hits the RKO. Orton tries to get out of the cage, but HHH shoves it shut. Orton kicks it back open, then climbs out and wins.
Evolution comes out and they beat Orton's ass. A lot. Then they put him back in there with Kane, and Batista comes in behind him. Orton gets the chair and beats Dave and Flair flat. Kane sits back up, and then Orton tries to run for it. HHH hot on his heels, trying to drag him back in for a thrashing, but Orton fights him off and escapes. Fade to black.
Well, kids, it wasn't as bad as it's gonna be next week what with the boxing bitches and such, but they did what they could for the last show before the PPV. Was it enough?
No, clearly not.
You're welcome. See you SOON.