Scrape Up the Barrel
And We'll Have a Barrel of Fun
Originally Posted 8-30-04

Hello, my intended...

Well, I finally got the goddamn computer going again... After sinking close to $300 on various replacement parts, I find out the culprit for my woes this past week is a worn out drive cable. Cost: $6.

Yep. Like I told you more than once... I'm a fucking IDIOT.

With that said, leave us consider last week's Raw once again. (shudder) I know you don't want to. Hell, I'm still having fucking nightmares about 'Hungry Butts' and Eric Bischoff reading out of the Bible, but talking nonsense instead... Kids, I believe we've established long ago that religion in wrestling equals D.E.A.T.H. - and that's when they do it PROPERLY, so imagine how much fucking it up on a massive scale did for Lita and Kane...

Oh, well, I've always said you can't fall off the floor.

This is what Eric told us was 'Efissians' 5:25...

Two lives. Two people. So very different, but yet so similar. Together we stand as one. Sharing our future as it comes. The past is the past. Buds are yet to blossom. With care and trust, the best is yet to be revealed. Honesty and kindness are the fruits of love. Lord, bless this day and always enrich us so that our love may never die. Amen.

Okay... This is Ephesians 5:25

Eph:5:25: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Yes, kids. That's it. That's all. You'll note that the Chapter itself is dealing with maintaining the sanctity of marriage, and it might have been a bit more sensible to suggest that Bischoff's flowery bullshit was 'inspired' by said Chapter, but I don't really feel like writing out the whole thing. Look it up yourself if you really care.

Moving right along, let me explain why their doing this woeful misquoting of a religious text is totally retarded. In case nobody over at Titan Towers swings past for a clue... The Golden Demo probably doesn't know much of the Bible, I'll grant you that. HOWEVER, there's a huge group of 'older' fans are generally of the Southern areas... Specifically, a place in the midwest called (drumroll) The Bible Belt. There's a few MORE loyal fans you just pissed off, fellas. Congrats. DUMBASSES!

I might be a non-denominational type Christian (hates me some Church, but I digress) but even -I- know that you at least TRY to show respect for other people's faiths. Especially if you want their continued patronage for your wares. I guess it COULD have been worse... Kane could be a Muslim. Those guys got NO sense of humor about fucking with their dogma. Then you'd have to worry about those guys with the dynamite cummerbunds at every show. Yeah, that's fun...

This of course leads us back to Vincent Kennedy McMahon's haughty boast some time back that he didn't have to answer to anybody... "Not the fans. Not the stockholders. Not even the Man Upstairs." Right... Keep thinking that, buddy.

Remember when you used to be a billionaire?
Remember when there was viable competition?
Remember when your product looked good by comparison?
Remember when you used to sell out every show?
Remember when the fans didn't do the Wave?

Still think you don't answer to anyone, asshole?

Oh well. Tonight's Raw comes at us from San Francisco, California... The ten minutes to go blurb gives me deja vu, since they promise a one-on-one match between HHH and Eugene, and that Edge will be the guest on Jericho's Highlight Reel. Strange...

In memory of Marcin McCulsky...?

Eric's picture is booed. Replay of the Orton turn from last week. We start up with Evolution coming to the ring in new shirts. Flair's still in the one from last week, but HHH has a 'Iron Cross' version. Dave still gets no shirt. HHH gets a mic and decides to clarify that the unit in the ring is Evolution, and he made it so. His heart, his mind, his sweat. He made it all... Then he calls on Flair, shills Flair's book and how it details that HHH saved him and returned him to his former Nature Boy glory. He goes to Dave and says he made Dave, while he was at it, since the kid was a directionless lump of potential before he came along - and is a monster unlike any other now. (I agree. Most other monsters are, y'know, scary.) He then blathers about how he was grooming Orton to be the guy to eventually replace him, and for all the hard work he alone did 'honing' him (insert handjob joke... HERE) to greatness. BlahBlahBlah. He calls Orton to come out like a man and face his Consequences...

Orton has a new intro... Three or four guys come out with what look like covered easels, and then Orton comes out wearing a GOLD suit. Smiling. Orton says HHH shouldn't DARE call him Randy Orton, he should instead call him 'Champ'. Orton then explains that HHH is right about how HHH gave him a chance and made him the future and shit... Orton shows a picture of HHH front and center, and how it was never about togetherness. It was about protecting HHH. And once Flair and Dave figure it out for themselves, they'll maybe detach their lips from Hunter's ass. Someday.

HHH says Evolution is about him, because he made it. It's his. BlahBlahBlah.

Orton then shows that when he beat Benoit - without Evolution anywhere near the ring - he did it by himself. He also says that HHH never could do that, could he? HHH is unhappy.

Orton then says he's not waiting for Unforgiven, he's gonna kick Hunter's ass right here and now. But since HHH has some friends in there, Orton will be bringing a friend of his own. A sledgehammer. The crowd chants for Randy as he makes his way to the ring. He gets in there. Evolution stuttersteps a bit, so Orton takes a swing. HHH ducks it, and the crew bails out. Orton corners HHH near the steps, and slams the hammer down on them as HHH basically pisses himself and flees over the barrier at just under Mach Six. Orton basks in the love as Lawler and Ross shill tonight's matches. HHH/Gene in a No-DQ. Flair/Benoit. Regal/Batista...

Standard Raw Intro... Is not used.

Commercials. Pikmin 2 for the Gamecube gives a few dozen midgets a job in a retarded commercial. Film at eleven...

Bischoff is chewing out Orton and reminds him who the boss is, being him. He also says he won't put up with the sort of antics Orton did in the ring, and has security toss Orton out. Bischoff asks for the sledgehammer to be left with him before Orton leaves, so Randy drops it on his foot.

Lawler suggests that Randy could be charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon... Sure, I'll take legal advice from a guy that doesn't know it's illegal to date teenage chicks. Why not?

Rhyno and Tajiri are heading to the ring for a match. They are backjumped by La Resistance, who smash Tajiri against the apron, and then Conway is beating Rhyno up. He tags in Grenier after some brawlies. Grenier tries a cover. Gets two. Grenier tries a facerake after Rhyno lifts him, and then clamps on a Reverse Chinlock. Rhyno fades a bit, and then battles back. Tag to Conway, who drags Rhyno back in and lets Coach slap him. Seems it's a handicap match. Conway returns to the Chinlock. Rhyno is fading down, but starts trying to get to his feet when the crowd begins chanting 'USA'. Rhyno fights himself out of trouble. Grenier leaps in, and Rhyno battles them both down. Coach tries to get in there, too, but LR is down. Coach tries a punch, but Rhyno catches him in a standard arm-trap, then floors him with a short-arm lariat. Conway gets in the cheapshot and the three geeks win...

Commercials. Day of Reckoning is the latest WWe game, and it's on the Gamecube... Therefore, despite having John Cena do a pretty kick-ass shill for what looks like a pretty decent game - NOBODY... WILL... BUY... IT...

Hey, look. Papa Roach is in the audience. Lawler shills Papa Roach's new album, due tomorrow. Ross and Lawler discuss last week's wedding, and here... COMES... the clips. Look... AT... the drips. No..body CARES a-bout this dumbass SHIT.

Thankyou. Thankyouverramuch. You're a lovely audience.

Cut to Kane skulking around in the back, and he peeks into a door, and tells someone to NOT come out until he says so, because he wants it to be a surprise His Wife will never forget. Hur Hur Hur.

Jump-cut to Eugene, who thanks Regal for showing him SUCH a good time yesterday when he took him around San Franciso. (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night). Eugene and Regal try to have a conversation. Eugene's brain is wired for baseball due to Regal taking him to see some guy hit two homers last night (Regal? British Baseball Fan...?), so we're not sure if he understands Regal warning him to stay out (OUT!) of trouble, and go back where it's safe (SAFE!) until it's his match... (STRIKE!)

Wow, that was surreal. Good work.

Commercials. Three for three with Nintendo shilling Gamecube again... Sigh. Some people just NEVER learn...

Okidoki. Here comes the Animal of Evolution, one Dave Batista. Dave flexes and does scowlies. Nobody cares. Regal comes out next, but the crowd is still dead from Dave's Intro. Regal gets into the ring, and they call for the bell. They lock up, and Dave powers Steve to the corner. Steve battles out, but Dave forces him back to the Face corner and works a few shoulderblocks to the midsection. Dave tosses Regal to the Heel Corner, but Steve puts on the brakes and turns to battle, but is clobbered. Regal battles back with knees and punches. Regal tries a head and leg suplex, but Dave elbows him. Regal soaks up some brawlies and then tosses Dave in a Butterfly Suplex. Dave gets in a surprise shot, and then bails to the outside to get a chair. While the ref is distracted telling Dave to drop the chair, Flair runs out and punches Regal in the ribs with brass knuckles. Regal staggers, so Dave crushes him with that ugly lariat. Dave wins.

Shawn Michaels, Ivory, and Linda McMahon are at the RNC. They touch on the issues of Iraq being 'very important' to the 18-30 demographic, and implore us to Smackdown the Vote... Blech. Michaels tells us that there's no way we can find any truth to the spin being put on the events unless we vote... Blech 2.

Commercials. Pikmin2 again... Sigh. Oh, cool. A new Star Ocean game... I'll probably buy it and not play it - like I usually do with these fucking things... Hey, I'm a busy guy, okay?

Next out, Stacy Kiebler... In a cut tube-top and a petticoat style skirt. Heh. She's gonna host Diva Gets the Can? She must be fucking LOVING that... She calls the remaining five down, and they're already in bikinis. They get into the ring with the giggle and jiggle... Stacy wonders to the crowd which of these bitches must go next.

Maria. Didn't I ask you people to vote off Zombie Diva? Why you no listen? WHYWHYWHYWHY?

Next, Stacy explains one of the most important skills is talking to a live audience, so they'll have a segment called 'Diss the Diva'. Each chick gets 30 seconds to diss the other Divas. A referee comes out to make sure there's no fighting...

Bitches cursing. Lovely. That's attractive. Sure.

Stacy is fucking STUNNED at the display of 'class' - that's two of us, honey. She quickly recovers and tells us the numbers to call for whichever Diva we want to keep...

Kane is dragging Lita to the ring. Trish gets in a quick dig about how Kane's already taking out the trash... Kane marches over, stares at Trish. Stares at Tomco. Laughs. Leaves.


Heh. A band called The Hives is providing the song for the Diva Search, appropriately named "Walk Idiot Walk". It doesn't fucking GET funnier than THAT, kids.

Now Kane comes to the ring with Mrs. Kane. He's got something to say to his wife. "Lita, of all the pieces of property he owns, she is his favorite." Seems Bischoff gave him an open contract for a wedding present, and he can face anyone he likes at Unforgiven. That's nice. But now, he's gonna give Lita a surprise... He's flown in the Hardy Boyz... It's a bunch of useless jobbers and midgets. They are fucking overjoyed to be on TV. Over-fucking-joyed. No, Jeff isn't there. Pat, Nat, Rat, and Fat Hardy...

Then Kane beats them all up before he Chokeslams Pat and then pins him. Good work, Glenn. Lita calls it (what sounds like) a fucking nice surprise (God, I love live TV. Honestly. I'm gonna go back and make sure later...) Lita clues him in that while she's Kane's property - he's HERS. So, she decided to use the open contract, and put a name in there for him. Kane reminds her that Matt's ruined. She knows. That's why she put Shawn Michaels name in there, instead. Kane isn't too thrilled. Lita bails out to a tepid pop while Kane simmers.

Commercials. Nintendo keeps trying with another Pikmin2 showing. Then we see that A&E is gonna have a reality show tomorrow called 'Dog, the Bounty Hunter.' Oh, and Cartoon Network has a new show called Fosters House of Imaginary Friends. I feel sad this shit is being advertised on a WRESTLING SHOW... Real sad.

Flair comes to the ring for his match against Benoit... (Wow, 10:11 already?) Benoit comes out next, and he's now residing in Atlanta, Georgia... How is that possible, Lillian? Isn't that California? Dumb whore.

Benoit demands that Flair be checked for weapons. THe referee finds them in his boot and confiscates them. Flair isn't happy. Benoit and he tie-up, and then Benoit hits some Choppy-Woos, then bounces Flair off the farside corner. Then Back Body Drops him. Then shouldertackles him to the mat and puts him in the Crossface. Flair makes it to the ropes to force the break, and Benoit releases him. Flair bails outside. Benoit follows him and lays in some more Choppy-Woos. Flair tossed back in, and he's begging off. Benoit lays in some more Choppy-Woos. Flair Flop.

Benoit Irish Whips Flair to the Face Buckle, but Flair hits him coming in to capitalize with a back elbow. Flair follows up with a Chop Block. Flair takes control of the offense with brawlies and Choppy-Woo. Benoit down, so Flair hits a Kneedrop, then a Leg Bar (Oldschool move! Nice!). Benoit gets to the ropes. Both men up in the Face Corner trading Choppy-Woo. Flair getting the worse of the exchange, but he grabs Benoit's leg to hold him off balance. Benoit hits the Enzuigiiri. Flair Flop. Benoit goes to the top for the Pegasus Dive. Nobody home. Flair tries for the Figure Four, but Benoit kicks him away. Benoit up, and he puts Flair in the Sharpshooter. Flair looks ready to tap, but Dave makes the save. He brawls with Benoit, getting Flair DQed. Flair lays in a Chop Block, and then Batista hits the Sitout Powerbomb...

Commercials. Heh... Bret Hart is in the Gamecube WWe game... That's fucking hilarious. Andre being in there is kinda sad, though. Oh well, nobody will buy it, so there won't be much damage to anyone's reps.

Next up, the Highlight Reel. Jericho's in there. Jericho ponders how Edge 'accidentally' got himself disqualified, but won't he please come down and accept his challenge for an IC Rematch at Unforgiven? Cue Edge's music. Edge comes out on crutches. (Dude, that didn't work for Test, do you think YOU can carry it off?) Edge sets the crutches down, hobbles up the stairs, pulls the crutches in behind him, and then limps over to Y2J. Edge suggests Jericho played it well, since he knows damn well he tore his groin over the weekend and can't wrestle at Unforgiven.

Jericho reminds him how the Toronto crowd booed Edge out of the building. Edge says Jericho can win the popularity contests with the puppets, but it will be Edge that wins all the matches... Y2J wonders about the severity of the injury, and also wonders if he turned his back would Edge recover enough to take a poke at him...? Edge says he's full of surprises, as Jericho well knows, but not this time. He then promises when he's healed up, Jericho's first on the dance card. They shake hands, and then Edge limps out of the ring. Jericho watches him leave, and that leaves him open for an ambush by Christian...

Wel-Come-BACK! Wel-Come-BACK!

Christian bashes Jericho to little pieces, and then whips him with his skinny belt some. Edge backs away slowly up the ramp, as Christian picks up an interview chair (non-folding) and runs Jericho over with it. Edge is looking on apprehensively, perhaps realizing that Christian is perhaps the one person on earth with more reason than anyone to hate him and want him destroyed? I dunno.

Commercials. (10:33) Nintendo keeps trying. You know something? If they spent as much effort making GAMES as they did making commercials for games they STILL HADN'T RELEASED, they might be higher than #5 in the console wars... Yes, I know there's only three major consoles. It's called a JOKE.

Trish is coming to the ring with Gail Kim and Tomco. Tagmatch (10:36). Against...? You have to ask? Victoria and Nidia... Vic has new dancemusic, but it's still pretty crappy. Nidia and Trish to start. Trish hits Vic with a reverse elbow, knocking her down on the apron, then flattens Nidia with a forearm. Trish working the brawlies, then puts her in a Front Chancery and tags in Kim. Kim knocks Nidia to the mat and chokes her, then puts her in a Stretch Muffler with headscissors. NIIIICE. Vic makes the save.

Kim clamps on a chickenwing, but Nidia forces her to the corner and tags in Vic. Ref misses it. Nidia gets doubleteamed. Nidia takes Kim and Trish down with a double Crucifix. Vic tagged in, and she takes Trish to the mat. Trish tags in Kim. Kim tries a Corkscrew DDT, but Vic counters with a Sidewalk Slam. Vic tries the Peak, but Vic reverses it to a modified Texas Cloverleaf that Ross calls a modified Sharpshooter. Because he's a moron, that's why.

Cue Steve Richards in Drag to save the day. Kim releases Vic to prepare for the run-in, but Steve falls down and almost loses the wig. Vic schoolboys her in the confusion and gets the win.

Commercials. Pikmin2 again... Sigh.

Smackdown Rebound (10:45) Eddy's mad about Angle pouring paint on the Lowrider, and is subsequently tricked into smashing Teddy Long's limo. Teddy puts Eddy against Eddy in a two-out-of-three match. Orlando Jordan defends the title on behalf of Bradshaw, but gets a win via DQ. Again. UT tears off JBL's Halo and chokeslams him again.

Grisham is interviewing Bischoff, and asks him how his foot is. Bischoff is cross, but announces that next week Orton will face Kane. Grisham wonders whether that decision was influenced by HHH. Bischoff claims to be in charge anew, and says HHH has more important matters to tend to - such as ridding the business of his nephew, Eugene.

We get some shilling of the new matches added to Unforgiven.

Cut to HHH drinking water and making his way to the ring for the anything-goes rumble with Rain Man... If he wins, he'll have beaten a moron. If he loses... He should pray Gene snaps his neck. If you get that pop culture reference, give yourself a Horowitz.

Commercials. (10:51)

We're back, (10:54) and Triple H begins his Intro... He gets to the ring by about 10:55 for the spritzy bit, then soaks up some boos from the crowd...

Eugene comes to the ring. (10:57) He's wearing a SF Giants Baseball Jersey, and gives out handshakes to the aisle seats. He waves to the fans once he's in the ring, and HHH knocks him down. HHH with a series of brawlies, interspersed with snatching off Gene's shirts. HHH for the Giant Boot, but Gene slides under and hits a pair of Fireman Carries before slapping on a Side Headlock. HHH Irish Whips loose and goes for a clothesline, but Gene counters with a backslide, which he follows with a Side Headlock Takeover. HHH manages to back him into the heel corner. Gene with a Standing Switch. HHH punches Gene on the break, and then Kneedrops him in the jibblies. Gene in trouble, and HHH tosses him outside. HHH follows him out and Irish Whips Eugene into the Steel Steps. HHH breaks the count, and then goes back outside to claw at Gene's face before laying in some punches and then bounces his head off the Steel Steps again. HHH breaks the count again, then goes back out and rolls Gene back into the ring. Ross says HHH has broken the count 'about four times', which I think is sad and funny at the same time.

HHH starts to pick Gene up, but Gene lays in some shots to the belly, then goes to the ropes so HHH can Spinebuster him. HHH hits the Kneedrop on Gene's dome, then picks him up and bounces him off the buckles. Gene hulks up and then brawls HHH to oblivion. Gene with a bodyslam. Pin attempt. Gets two. HHH comes off the ropes and Gene hits the Manhattan Drop. Gene tries for a Stunner, but HHH pushes him off. HHH tries a punch, but Gene counters with a Rock Bottom. Gene comes off the ropes as HHH gets up, and Triple H clamps on a Sleeper. Gene is choked down, and the ref makes the arm-raising. Two drops, but HHH lets him go. Triple H now lays in a Pedigree, but he won't pin Eugene. HHH goes outside and gets a sledge, then starts back into the ring. Orton stops him by grabbing away the hammer. Orton comes into the ring with the hammer, but HHH kicks him in the belly. HHH gets the hammer, and Orton kicks HIM in the belly, then WALLOPS him in the midsection with the sledge. HHH is staggering around, so Orton hits the RKO.

Dave and Ric come to the rescue, but Orton holds them off with the hammer, then drags Gene (still unconscious) over onto HHH. Threecount, while Evolution looks helplessly on...

Nice. For a screwjob...

Pretty much what I'd expected. A bunch of thrown-together feuds for the upcoming PPV. Meh. I won't fucking buy it. You can if you want. It's your money. I just think you'd get a better return on investment by just burning it.

You're Welcome. See you SOON...