F**ked Raw
Originally Submitted for 'Monday Night Sucks' 8-25-03

Hello, my intended...

Well, since I'm not sure Jonny made it back yet I decided to recap this Raw, too. If he signs onto AIM during the show, I'm off the hook and can just shoot this to the MNS, but if not... Back to the drawing board. Not sure who's lucky in that one, but whaddaya want for nothin'? Rubber biscuits?

And Raw is underway from Tucson, Arizona... Goldberg's bloodied and battered and being led away by trainers, so I guess he didn't win the strap, huh? This pleases me. I pretty much skipped the Summerslam because most of my liquid cash went to the Fan-Slam... But hey, it looks like he's coming out to start the show - after eliminating Orton, HBK and Jericho before getting sledgehammered into little pieces. I guess he's got that creative control clause, huh? Attaboy, learn from the mistakes of others. He wants The Game to bring his 'little ass' out to finish what they started last night, and of course HHH coemes out, with Orton and Flair - and hey, it must be Hawaiian shirt day, since the Nay Cha Bwah is bedecked in a Captain Lou special. Goldberg wants the Game, because he's bigger, badder and stronger than HHH. But Helmsley 'proved' he was the best wrestler alive today...

Really? I thought Sammartino and Dory were still alive. Maybe Evolution poisoned them?

Hey, Goldberg's gonna come after Triple H's puny ass stalker style until he gets a one-on-one for the strap, and promises to beat his ass to DEATH. HHH starts namedropping all the guys that 'thought they could get the job done', but didn't. Triple H says the only reason Bill is standing in the ring is because Orton and Flair pulled him off him at Summerslam, but he's willing to face him 'straight' at Unforgiven (Riiiiiight) but it's gonna be a 'Career' match - and he means never to step in the ring again, especially 'second rate promotions like Smackdown and their paper champion'. Kurt Angle does a spit-take with his milk at that one, I'm sure. Also, when the people chant Goldberg's name, it's for his funeral! Goldberg says he's cool with the stip, and thinks HHH is a bit mistaken whose funeral he's gonna see.

Next up, Trish Stratus. But first some commercials for Slamball. Anybody watch this? Thought not. Moving right along...

Right, here she comes. Stratus-faction comes out, but Gail Kim comes running out and waylays her halfway to the ring. Kim flings her into the ring after some beatdown, and goes for the pin to get two. Trish tries a Sunset-Flip, but gets a knee to the skimmer instead, for two. Kim goes to the sleeperhold, and has it locked on tight as hell. Trish hits a backdrop suplex, but Kim still hangs on. Trish seems to be flagging... NO! She hits a snapmare to break, and throws Kim into the corner for the handstand deal - but Kim kicks her out of it and locks on the Sleeper again. Trish manages to walk up the turnbuckles and hits a Shiranui. They stagger to their feet by six, and Stratus starts with the battling back and hits a VICIOUS Spinebuster. Back to a vertical base, and Kim misses a clothesline and eats a spinkick. Stratus-Faction bulldog, and Trish gets the win... But then Molly comes out and flings Trish into the steel railing before getting into the ring with Kim - bt they cut to Saucy and Skeevy, instead.

Way to work the feud, boys. Good job. Now we'll go to Bischoff talking about the Linda McSnapper like it's filet mignon, and BOY am I glad I skipped that Summerslam. Hey, and Jericho's Highlight Reel will have Linda on so she can say whether Eric got any like he's saying he did. Um, this is a VERY sickening angle - and no matter what happened, I don't wanna know. Not now. Not later. Not ever. I could give a rat's ASS about whether Bischoff made with the raping.

Now, Molly's got Kim by the neck and says she got Kim into the place, and she better recognize who's the captain and who's the swabby, or something like that. They decide to combine their efforts to destroy Trish once and for all. Meh. I'm sure that this turns on somebody, but it's not me.

And here comes Teddy and Rodney, who says he's found a man that can 'back the Mack' and 'earn his playas card'. Mark Henry. Well, we knew it was coming, right? Doesn't make it any easier to take, does it? No, clearly not. Now Long calls for the whiteboys to come out, and it's Jindrak and Cade. Heh. The Whiteboy Challenge is a teamsport now, eh? No, I guess not. No timer in the lower right... Rod starts out and gets a dropkick, but retaliates with a clothesline after a sloppy ass Irish Whip. And Mack with a headlock, but Cade gets in some elbows and a backdrop suplex. Cade makes the tag, and Mack gets the crap socked out of him, then dropkicked, then a second rope clothesline. Mack gets a blind tag to Henry, who kicks the crap out of Jindrak. Jindrak tries for a crossbody from the top, but gets caught and then CRUSHED in an Avalance Front Slam. The Macks win.

Now we're dealing with Goldust, who apparently got a midget chick dressed as himself for that thing last week - and said midget is clinging to Lance's leg like a barnacle. Rosey comes out to whooshes, and asks Storm if he knows about the commotion in the ring. Lance tells him he's got his own problems, and limps off dragging the midget. Rosey then asks a chick, who says the only commotion is a 'guy with a gun in the ring'. Rosey rushes off to save the day, and shortly thereafter Hurricane shows up. He asks the chick if she's seen Roosevelt, and she tells him he asked about the guy with the T-Shirt Gun in the ring, then ran off. "To stop... the guy with the gun?" asks Hurricane. "HOLEEEEEEE (bleep)!" Now Hurricane runs off, and we go to commercial.

Rock shills his movie, 'The Rundown'. Appropriate name, huh? Kinda prophetic, even, considering his level of popularity without being on TV.

Durung the commercial, Rosey thrashes the S.H.I.T. outta the T-Shirt guy. Hurricane comes out and takes Rosey to task for squashing an innocent man. "Wassupwiddat?!" And hey, Coachman seemed to have come out to save Bischoff and destroyed Shane with a chair. Stone Cold comes out to make the save, and Shane and Austin stomp the shit outta Coach. I bet Jonny is ordering the replay right now... Heh. Austin's now giving an interview to Terri about how he crashed the junk outta Coach and Bischoff, but Eric comes out sporting a giant shiner that covers half his head, and says Coach works for him now - and that he'd better not interfere again. Stone Cold mulls it over as commercials ensue...

Now we're back, and La Resistance comes out - with the 'Fake Army Guy' from last week. Rob Conway is now on the team, and it'll be a six-man match. We get a replay how Conway stole Mortis's Master of Disguise deal to waylay the Dudleyz for the win - dressed as a ring photographer... Conway then goes into a dialog about how America sucks and how the US is the real terrorists. "Proud to be an American, my ass," he says. Spike comes out solo, and he was a distraction so Bubba and D-Von can get in some shots from behind. Spike seems to have gotten a haircut, and he starts things off. He's getting thrashed, of course, but manages to get the Dudley Dogg on Conway, and he tags in Bubba - who cleans house. Grenier tries to make the save, but hits Conway instead, knocking him out of the ring. D-Von is tagged in, and there's the 3-D on Dupree. Spike with the Dudley Dogg on Grenier as bedlam busts loose. Bubba throws Spike onto Dupree on the outside, but that gives Conway enough time to get the beltshot in on Bubba for the win.

And here comes Linda McMahon to tell us 'what happened'. I'd REALLY appreciate this being done during the commercial, but they're gonna set up the Jeritron-5000 instead, so no such luck. Damn it.

Back from commercials, and it's Highlight Time... Jericho's explaining that he could've and should've won, except for that damn Goldberg. He assures us that he's taken Bill down before, and he's gonna do it again. Then he's explaining how he heard moaning and groaning from Linda during the kiss last week, and replays it - adding the moans himself. They've got a gun on him, that's the only way I can explain it. Now Linda comes down the aisle, and JR says she's one of the classiest women he's known in his life...

Linda: Stop helping me, Ross.

Now Jericho asks if she and Eric made with the hibbity-dibbity like Arizona Jackrabbits... But Linda says she managed to get security there after they went off the air, and Bischoff has some consequences coming. But she's sure if she fires him, Vince would rehire him to 'stick it to Shane'. Then Vince comes out... Shit on a STICK this is getting messy. Vince says while Linda's the CEO, he's the COTB and he's in charge. He then says he invited Eric over, and Linda should stop acting like she's a victim - since VINCE is the real victim of the failed marriage, and what came out of her Demon Infected Womb. Linda says 'Honest to GOD, you need psychiatric help...' I concur. Vince doesn't. Surprised? Me neither. The only help Vince needs is against his ingrate, infidel kids. He says he feels like Kane, since she turned the family against him like the fans turned against Kane... Then SHANE comes out, and the Spiral spins down some more. Shane says Vince and Kane are both nothing but monsters, and they can both rot in Hell. Jericho interjects and says Vince commands and deserves respect, which he gives to VKM for being a billionaire and genius and similar fellatio. And then he tries to kick out Shane since the Highlight Reel is invitation only, and besides that he's a spoled brat sanctimonious son of a bitch asshole. Shane says the shit's between him and his father, and then Jericho waylays him. Now we have a Shane and Jericho match tonight.


Commercial time? Thank GOD.

Then they reshow us the thing with Goldberg and HHH from the top of the show, and that segues to an Evolution Match, starring Randy Orton with Flair in his corner. He's gonna face... Maven? Maven comes out smiling, and it seems HIS 'manager' this evening is HBJ, er... K. Orton and Maven lockup, and OPrton with a headlock - then a drop-toe takedown. They go to tandem dropkicks, and then Orton gets in that Kneeling Hangman's Neckbreaker for two. Orton makes with some brawling, then goes for the lateral press for another two. Orton flings Maven to the corner and the guy hits chest first, which Orton follows up with the taking of the boots. Maven punches his way out, sorta, but eats a dropkick. Flair manages to get in a cheapshot in the confusion, and then he gets the Superkick. Maven battles back, and Orton misses a dropkick. Now Maven battling back with some punches, and Orton tries the RKO - but Maven counters and gets in a Spinwheel Kick for two. Maven goes to the top for a Crossbody for another two. He sends Orton to the ropes, but Orton reverses and tries a Backdrop - but gets kicked in the mush instead. Maven comes back at him, but gets a drop-toe onto the second rope, then the RKO. Orton makes the cover, but decides against it, and 'Strikes Up the Band' to put the Superkick onto Maven for the win. HBK comes into the ring, and mkes sure Maven's cool - while staring daggers at Orton likely for the 'disrespect' of doing the Superkick better than himself.

Cut to Bischoff with a clipboard remarking how clever he is, and then some commercials...

Y'know, that Once Upon a Time in Mexico looks pretty cool... I just might catch it. Silent Hill 3 looks like fun, too...

Up next, Shane versus Jericho... But first, Terri is interviewing Funk Masta Flex about his new show, 'Ride' on Spike TV. Terri asks if he'd let HER 'ride on the show', and he says sure. And then, we'll have Bischoff giving Coach the 'Employee of the Month' deal for all he did the other night. Coach comes out wearing a jeff-hat backwards. He gets a plaque, and explains he's proud to serve Eric since he recognizes talent - unlike Austin. Asshole chants ensue, and Coachman explains that Austin hates him since he's not his 'boy' like JR is. Well, duh. Then they show how they tossed the Coach to the curb when JR came back a couple weeks ago. And he's saying how he wants an apology from JR for treating him so bad and shit by returning. He then says he wants an apology from Austin RIGHT NOW. So, of course, Christian comes out... Yeah, that makes sense.

Christian gets a mic, and confronts Coach about thinking he deserves an apology when in reality it is HE who deserves it more. He's the IC Champ, and yet he was kept off the PPV by Austin - and almost off tonight's Raw as well. Then Austin comes out. He says Coachman says he carried the ball for JR, but he couldn't carry JR's jockstrap. He then pulls out a sympathy card he got for Coach, and unwraps it - but it's just a flip of the bird for Coach. Coach says he can make all the gestures he wants, but his 'chosen' announce team is a joke! It contains a King and a Cowwboy, much like the Villge People. King then says he'd love to come down and put his foot up Coach's ass. Then Christian interjects - since he's the IC Champ and such, and doesn't take kindly to being ignored... But Austin decides to give King a go at Christian tonight. Yay. And it's for the TITLE. Argh. Whatever you do, do NOT give King the fucking TITLE. You may as well throw it back in the fucking TRASH if you do that, and I'm sure Ferris agrees with me.

Um, weren't they gonna give me Shane and Jericho a couple minutes ago? Oh well, let's see those commercials...

Well, here's the IC strap match up next, and since King's in the ring, Coach's doing the mic-work with JR. Brawling in the ring, and Christian knocks Lawler down, and gets a two-count. He then takes King to the ropes and makes with the strangle bit, then takes King over with a Snapmare and works the chinlock with a knee to the back. Lawler gets up and elbows free, then goes to the ropes - but is taken down with a Kitchen Sink Kneelift. Christian puts King in the corner and starts brawling him down in the corner. King reverses, and makes with the brawlies. Christian comes off the top, but King punches him simple. King with a Back Body Drop, then covers with a Schoolboy for two. Then Lawler makes with the Fist Drop from the top. Twice. Makes the cover, but Coach pulls him out the ring, and then Lawler chases Coacj around - then through - the ring, and that gives Christian time enough to get in the rollup with a fistful of tights for the win. Yeah, that sure makes for a bucket of prestige for that belt, huh? The Champ needs help to whip Jerry Fucking LAWLER... Sigh.

Jericho now makes his way to the ring past a dark area walled in by chainlink... Of course, that seems to be the Kane-Pen, so with about twelve to eleven left, let's see how much worse it can get, shall we?

But first, more commercials... De LaHoya vs. Mosely II, for only $54.95? Pass.

Coach is now in the back interviewing Christian on his hard-fought victory... Christian is glad to have the power of his peeps. He walks off, and Coach says 'back to you' but Austin pops in and says Coach will face Lawler next week in Lafayette, Louisiana. Joy of joys.

Shane comes out, and then Jericho. Yeah, let's get this over with. Jericho tries for a cheapshot, but Shane's getting in the big brawlie and takes Y2J down in a Back Body Drop to Powerslam thing, and Jericho fires back with a thumb to the eye. Jericho moves in to capitalize, and gets back body dropped outside. Shane follows with a leaping forearm from the apron, and lays Jericho onto a table. Shane goes to the top for the giant highspot, but then the pyro blasts off and Kane's music starts, which gives Jericho time to get back into the ring and waffle Shane to the outside. Kane didn't come out, by the way... And now we'll have some commercials...

Jeepers Creepers 2? They shouldn't have even made a ONE, and now they've got a TWO? If you spend money to see that, make sure that you keep enough to get onto the bus back to Retardville, won't you? Nobody wants you around here stealing oxygen from normal folks. Scram.

We're back, and Jericho's in control, making with some Knife-Edge chops on Shane. He then throws Shane to the other corner, but Shane reverses and sends Jericho in. Jericho jumps to the top and comes off for a highspot, but Shane punches him on the way down and follows up with a DDT. Shane goes for the cover, and gets two. He tries to capitalize further, but Jericho gets in a Spinwheel Kick. Y2J tries the Lionsault, but Shane gets the knees up. Shane tries for something from the top, but Jericho shoves Hebner into the ropes to crotch Shane, and then hits a Superplex. Then Kane comes out and chokeslams Shane flat before leaving through the crowd... Shane struggles to his feet, and actually goes to follow KAane to the cheapseats. Kane marches off, with Kane in erratic pursuit. They manage to get to the loading area, and Shane can't find Kane. But Kane manages to sneak up and clothesline Shane from behind, and it now making with a fine beating throwing Shane against the side of the building a couple times before he pulls a tarp off about sixteen gascans, which he starts pouring into a dumpster. That's not fast enough anymore, so he's just throwing the cans in now... Kane lights a match, and the dumpster explodes into a conflagration...

"Feel my pain!" Kane shouts, and puts Shane on his shoulders to throw him in... But Shane slips free and dropkicks Kane into the flambe'.

"Burn in hell, you son of a bitch," Shane says, staring into the fire...

And that's the end.

Holy SHIT this was the worst goddamn Raw this YEAR... Words can't do justice to the reprehensible fustercluck it was, and the writers should be lined up and SHOT; then nailed to a wall so they can be shot AGAIN. Jesus Harold Christ on fucking RUBBER CRUTCHES... I can't believe I sat through this for you people, so I'm gonna get myself to an eyewash station while you thank your lucky stars someone's willing to step into the pitch for ya...

You're welcome. See you SOON.