Hello, my intended...
Well, kids, sorry I'm so late with the recap. I've been soaking up an inordinate amount of misfortune lately, and couldn't even begin to describe it. However, I have it on trusted authority that I'm especially funny when I'm suffering misfortune. Thanks, Mom, you really know what to say to cheer a guy up...
Saturday, August 21: The venerable C drive on my main machine goes tits-up. It's served me well for over three years (which means it's out of warranty) so I trotted over to Best Buy and bought a replacement that was twenty gigs bigger than the old 40 GB which died. So I run it home and I decide that while I'm at it I should upgrade the old videocard, which still had four months left on its warranty. A jaunt to CompUSA and some standing in lines later, and I had a new 'mid-range' card as a trade from my old 'top of the line' card I'd bought nearly two years ago. So far so good.
I roll back into the house and grab up my Upgrade copy of WinXP. Now, in case you didn't know this, you can do a Clean Install from an Upgrade copy provided you have an earlier version's Full Install Disk to prove you deserve the aforementioned upgrade. I had a copy of Windows Millennium on hand so I figured it'd be a nice easy run... Except I couldn't fucking FIND the WinME disk. Bummer. So I tore the house up looking for it, which took about eight hours top to bottom before I finally found it around 9pm - in the Windows XP box, where I had put it 'so that I wouldn't lose it'. Stop laughing, you've probably done the same kind of shit.
Well, I get the WinXP install going, and I notice that one of the disks it says it'll accept is a Win95. This is contrary to what the box says, and quite galling considering I have several Install Copies of Win95 in easy reach. So for shits and giggles when it asks me to put in the Install Copy, instead of the WinME I tore the house up to find, I toss in the Win95 disk. It works. I feel totally disgusted that I pissed the day away looking for the WinME when it turned out I didn't need it, but I'm still somewhat happy XP's now installing. All the drivers are whizzing along, and when it's finished - as is sensible when one installs Windows, I click on the 'Windows Update' button and brace for the long download... Oh, look, they've gotten as far as Service Pack 2 now, which is good since Service Pack 1 actually slows your super-speedy top-shelf CPU down to about half it's rated speed. I tell it to install, but it says that I can only download SP2 with the 'Automatic Updating' feature as yet. I shrug and have it do so... Three percent into the download and it freezes. From then forward, every reboot takes a couple minutes just to get from 'shutting off' to the BIOS screen. Bothersome, I figure, but I'm positive things will be peachy once the automatic update is finished...
Blue screen of death. I'm actually flabbergasted, since my previous run with XP was more or less problem free, so what-the-hell-is-this-shit? No idea. I have it load up again, and this time it resets itself halfway through the bootup. Okay, now it's getting irritating, so I boot it to Safe Mode and straighten everything out. Restart takes another inordinately long time, but we get rolling. Before I tell it to fetch the AutoUpdate I notice there's a lot of activity on the ol' DSL modem - with only one computer on it? Ah, well, I figure the AutoUpdate is running, so I install Norton Systemworks and go through the motions of another long reboot. Norton goes to update itself and hangs. Weird, I think. So I reboot to Safe Mode and this time go the 'Safe Mode with Networking' deal so I can update Norton that way. It does, so we're back in business.
And it crashes again. Fuck it, I say, I'll deal with the shit tomorrow. I boot it back up and leave it running for AutoUpdate to grab the SP2 and have high hopes of getting underway when morning comes...
Sunday, August 22: I get up nice and early and look to see my lovely new SP2... hasn't installed. The damn thing locked up instead, so I got no update. Fine, I figure, be that way. I boot it back into safe mode, run the installs for the rest of the hardware and then reboot. And crash. Halfway through the POST (power on self test) it reboots itself to the POST again... And again... Damn. I catch it mid-flip and go to the BIOS. I feel a little silly that I haven't upgraded the BIOS setting for the Graphics Card's increased memory, so I chide myself for a fool and then up it to the required setting. I figure everything will be okay, and I boot into Windows nice-nice, and leave it run a bit so that it'll download the goddamn SP2 automatically...
Then Norton alerts me that there are virii. Yep, seems that those security patches to keep that kind of thing from happening haven't actually installed as yet, which means my ass is hanging out on the internet. I have Norton run a sweep, and it seems I've gotten FIVE virii inside of eight minutes. I have it clear all but one, which of course is in the System folder and can't be touched... With a heavy heart I shut it down and reboot into safe mode, run Norton again, and this time clear out the virus. Spiffy. I reboot once again and go to install the updates manually this time, but it won't download faster than about half-dialup speed. I make sure my network card is okay... It's fine, so I try and figure out what's up and so glance to the router again... Activity out the wazoo. Shit. I shut down and reboot to Safe Mode again, this time installing ZoneAlarm. I go back into Windows, and a few programs immediately ask for internet access. I Google some of them, and it seems that there's a worm on the system - which of course got in while I was waiting for the Automatic Updates to get in to protect me from such things, and as added entertainment has been basing several DNS attacks from my computer... Fuck on a cracker. I go back to Safe Mode, search the computer for the offender and delete it. Now things should be cool, and so I reboot.
I promptly get an error message because Windows expects that worm to still be there. It offers to go to System Restore so that I can have my virii and worms back. I tell it not to worry and just carry on, which it does for a bit - before crashing out. Now I'm concerned, because the system's tight and nothing should be going wrong at all. I sigh and reboot. It immediately tells me that it just had several fatal errors, and tells me it'll be happy to restore my virii and worms again. I disable System Restore in order to flush out any other problems and then reboot again. Blue screen of death. Fuck! I reboot to Safe Mode. Blue screen of death. Fuck! I reboot into Safe Mode again, and it seems that Windows has decided it doesn't like my new graphics board now, so I send a few Error Reports and then boot it into 'VGA Mode' which is basically a normal boot aside from not loading any graphics drivers. I uninstall the new drivers and install an older set that is 'certified' to work with Windows. Now things should be fine...
Of course they aren't. A couple more hours of troubleshooting yield the same results... Welcome to the Windows eXPerience. CRASH. Was it good for you? Now I'm convinced it's the goddamn new card since everything else is the same as the previous 'Worked Fine Forever' XP install. But it's late Sunday night, so I'll have to handle things after work tomorrow.
Monday, August 23: A nice disaster awaits us at work, as we discover the new unit we're working on is totally infested with fleas. Seems a stray got into the basement and set up shop, complete with kittens, and then ate a pidgeon over the weekend and died - kittens and all. So we have to fumigate for the fleas as well as deal with the stench of death. I hurry home after we fire off the foggers and bathe with goddamn Hartz dog soap to make sure I'm not a bugfeast. Then I hurry back to the store and swap the card for another one so I can make it back in time to do the recap. Nice plan, eh? I stand in line some at the CompUSA and get the card swapped with no fuss or bother, and after explaining much of what I've written above, they and I agree it was probably just a 'rare bad card', and I get another one just like it and hurry home to finally get things running smooth... Same thing as before. Damn thing takes two full minutes to POST, and then crashes between eight and eighty seconds later. I use the laptop to try and see if there's any issues with the card/motherboard combo at the motherboard and graphics card Official Sites, but everything checks out fine - which means it's me again. I go through their step by step 'how to fix what you cocked up that is no fault of ours', and when I see it's gonna take a bit I set the VCR to tape Raw so I can deal with the 'more important' problems... Eventually, everything is finally running nice and smooth, so I tell it to update itself and promise to get to the recap tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 24: We have more shit to deal with at the job, so we handle it as best we can and I return home to see how far along the machine's gotten with the update. I remember it was at about 7% complete when I left for work, and turned on the Uber-Tube to see where I was in the Grand Scheme.
If you said, "Still at seven percent" give yourself a Horowitz. Half credit if you just said "Fucked". Yep, seems the damn thing crashed and froze, so I rebooted again and after another long wait to the POST, I get into Windows... And then promptly crash. I go through all the motions I've been through already, which takes me until about 10pm, so now the store's closed and I can't replace the card today. I decide to use the laptop and work through as much as I can, and finish it up the next day... Then I get to the infamous 'Hungry Butt', and lose the will to live... I decide to type up a full explanation for the tardiness during lunchbreak Wednesday, and finally get the recap out of the way that night.
Wednesday, August 25: Everything's going smooth at work, so I type up the breakdown of my misery so that some of the more sadistic members of my readership can bask in the overwhelming schaedenfreud. My new theory is that the motherboard doesn't much like the 128MB of the new card, which is based on the fact that I tried to put a 128MB card in another system with the same brand/model mobo, and it failed miserably. So I go to the CompUSA again and this time swap the new card for a 64MB jobber and a little card that says they owe me about $85. I trot home positive that everything will be lovely then plug up the new card and hit the power.
Nothing happens. Not even a POST. My heart sinks as I realize what the problem is by deductive reasoning. I've replaced everything in there in the last six months or so. Processor, power supply, all the fans and heatsinks, the C drive, the graphics card (sound and LAN are integrated on the motherboard), and the extra IDE card so I can have my seven hard drives and DVD+/-RW. My inner Sherlock tells me what I really don't want to hear at this point, and all you A+ certs in the audience were probably shouting by Tuesday:
It's the motherboard, you FOOL. Bobo loses the will to live again, which should make this recap read like a Tarantino movie, considering what I wrote yesterday... Oh well. I don't fucking feel up to replacing the mobo tonight - maybe not until the weekend, considering how overall demoralized I am at this point. But instead of drinking myself into a coma like I deserve, I have to finish this fucking recap like YOU deserve.
It was a long time coming, kids, but here is your goddamn Recap. Thank God I don't get paid for this, because otherwise I'd have already said it wasn't worth it and quit...
With that said, here we go...
Of course, because I was going through my problematic times, I didn't watch Raw 'fresh', but I managed to tape it so we'll be going along as if I was watching it live - just a day late. Okay? As is customary when I am late, you'll be getting the full breakdown since I can pause the tape to catch up with typing, which I cannot do 'on the fly'. However, you lose out on the customary (time remaining) bits... Fair enough?
Bischoff's picture is booed, and we replay Evolution's celebration and subsequent punking of Orton because Evolution has a policy against having a non-HHH World Champ. Standard Raw intro...
Explosions wrack Anaheim California as we take another peek at Orton stretched out and bloody - and we'll have another IC Title shot with Edge putting the strap up against Jericho. Again. Also, Kane's wedding... Then we cut to Coach in the ring for the Diva Gets the Can spot as Lawler says "What a way to start the show" for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night... And the Chick getting the iring-fay tonight will be... The black one, Tracy. I'm surprised she lasted this long, myself - what with WWe having a 'no colored chicks unless they look like fucking horses' policy. Doubt me? Don't you know better by now? Picture if you will: Jacqueline, Jazz, Whatserface in the Dominatrix gear on Smackdown, and Francis the Talking Mule... What's the difference with those four? Francis is a better talker.
Coach tells the Hopefuls that their assignment this week will be something they've obviously wanted to do the second they started up with the contest - so he'll give them each two minutes to say how great the Coach is. No, better than that, we'll give the bitches FIVE minutes apiece to sing Coach's praises...
The Rock comes out to put a popping stop to Coach's first legitimate heat, EVAH. Not sure if it's because of the implied sexual harrassment or the fact that he was planning to let these stupid bitches on the microphone for a half a fucking hour - bottom line, he yanked a whole MESS of hate out of Duckburg that time.... Well done, Coachman, I hope someone stabs you in the neck with an icepick. If you're in town anytime soon, it just might be ME.
Five minutes... APIECE? Hates me some goddamn Coach, now.
Rocky eats up some time getting the crowd warmed up, then turns his attention to Coach. Rock tells Coach to scram inside of five seconds, or he'll get the ass-whuppin' of a lifetime. Coach hangs in there as Rock drops fingers while the crowd counts along. He bails to the floor by one. Rock applauds Coachman's wise choice and mocks him a bit as he exits to the back. Then Rock sizes up the chicks before going to the 'Finally' bit. That gets some Rocky cheers going as Rock appraises the five chicks still in the ring again.
Mrs. Johnson raises an eyebrow at home, no doubt.
Duane chats up the chicks some, saying how fine and beautiful they are while flashing the big shiteating grin. He suggests the chicks are also sizing him up, then he hits the 'I know you're getting wet' crap - which he segues to 'With persperation, what with the hot lights out here.' Yeah, that's so fucking funny. Har Har, Duane. You're not clever.
Then Rock expatiates what a lovely job it is being a Diva (like he would know? Or would he?) before turning his attention to Lillian Garcia. He says before she was a Diva - much as these other Diva Hopefuls - she had a regular job. At the sperm bank - but she was fired for drinking on the job. Garcia facepalms at the INTENSELY OLD and UNFUNNY joke, and the Hopefuls wonder when and which of they will be subjected to such a lame attempt at sixth-grade schoolyard levity from a guy that makes six figures for showing up when the Cirque du Shyte happens to be in the same state as he - or five days a year, whichever is less.
Rock then asks which one is Carmella. I guess there's no 'actually watch the fucking show that pays your salary clause' on Duane's paperwork, huh? Then again, if they insisted he watch the show he might ask for SEVEN figures, so it's cheaper to piss away cred by having a show that their biggest star remaining won't watch than it is to pay him to watch it. That's pretty funny all by itself, idnit? Rock says he hasn't been watching the show, but he's heard all the other girls hate them some Carmella. She shrugs as she gets some boos from the California folks. Rock explains that it's something he and Carmella have in common, since seven or eight years back all the guys in the locker room didn't like the Rock and they wanted him to go. But did Rock go? (Yes, actually.) NO! Rock stuck to his guns and stook it out. STOOD it out. (God bless live TV. Really.) Guess someone got used to the 'Hollywood cuts', hmm? He covers it up with the 'Most Electrifying Man' bit.
Rock talks up Carmella some more, encouraging her to Believe. She's gotta BELIEVE, Rock tells her.
Shawn Michaels does a spit-take.
Rock continues, asking if she thinks so too... It doesn't matter what she thinks! No, he's only playing, really. However, he explains he was sent some footage from a few weeks back where the Hopefuls were asked to make ice-cream cones... Actually, they were told to SHILL the ice-cream, Duane. Guess you didn't watch the footage either, huh? Rock then says it was very, very entertaining. The girls look somewhat gleeful, but Rock raises the shades to show a deadpan before announcing, "No, it wasn't entertaining." I actually agree with him, and I'd think it was a signal to start the Apocalypse, but I'm sure there's another shoe to drop... There is. No, it wasn't entertaining - because nobody wants to see them eat ice-cream. (Yeah, Duane. That's why. Sure.) The millions and millions of the Rock's fans want to see them eat something else. (I vote a bullet.) Of course, it's PIE. The Hopefuls aren't quite sure what to make of things, and so continue to giggle blissfully unaware how much everyone wants them to die. Right fucking now.
Cue Tajiri reprising his houseboy role, and he makes his way to the ring with a tray of pies. Some of which are a few slices shy, which suggests they may have been nicked from the buffet. Rock gives the Hopefuls 20 seconds apiece to eat some pie however they like. But first he gets some heckles, to which he replies that Anaheim has sure got some pretty darn good weed.
Barbwire Mike books a flight. The red-eye, I'm sure. (Ba-dump-bump!) Since it's old joke night, I may as well toss my hat in too. Fuck it.
However, before we get started, he decides to ask Tajiri what sort of pie is his favorite. Tajiri begs off all Bashful, and someone shouts 'Sushi'. Tajiri eventually tells Rock 'POO-TAHG!' Rock laughs. Nobody else does. Amy goes first, and says that she challenges Carmella to a down and dirty WWe style match. Then she eats a few cherries from the pie. Meh. I so hope they don't take this bitch seriously, because with the Kane wedding on the card it might create the Dreaded Black Hole of SUCK with these two worthless bitches trying to have a match.
Next up is Amy. She grabs her hair to keep it away from the messy pie and then licks it up and down and all around with a practiced efficiency you just don't see this side of sapphic porno. Rock says 'Dayum'. Bobo's invectives are a bit stronger.
Carmella is up next with a chocolate creme number. She smears her tits, tosses some into the crowd, then smears her arms. Tajiri looks ready to have an aneurism. Bobo's had a couple of them so far, but for quite different reasons...
Maria licks some from the tip of her nose, and then makes with the snowplow to the custard. Tajiri's WAY into this, and so Rock calls him a sick freak...
Her... butt... is... hungry? Sweet baby JEEBUS, what the FUCK is WRONG with that bitch? I've seen some pretty stupid goddamn attempts at getting over, kids, but I've never seen anything REMOTELY as retarded as this simple-minded whore scootching around the ring sitting on a fucking PIE. (Bobo loses his will to live HERE) Don't just vote her off next week, people, have her fucking SHOT. Hell, I'll treat her to a historectomy out of my own pocket. The world will thank me for protecting the future. Here's another good idea: How about we pretend she's dead? That makes me feel a little better, but if she somehow survives the vote I'll refer to her as Zombie Diva. Do NOT let her survive, people. Consider it a personal favor to Bobo. Now let's never speak of her again.
Four more weeks of this shit... Four. More. Weeks. I pause the tape and quickly put any sharp objects closeby into another room as a precaution, since we haven't gotten NEAR the Wedding yet and at this point I'm pretty sure it'll blow goats hard enough to drive me over the edge. Tajiri can't believe he saw it, either, and tries to make sure Rock knows how badly this bit has self-destructed. Rock makes sure that's everyone, and Coach comes out with Canadian Reinforcements in the form of La Resistance. I guess it's Tajiri's turn to have a rotating tag partner, huh? Coach tells him "Ha Ha Time is over." Where the fuck have you been, Coachman? Ha Ha Time went into the toilet at least five minutes ago... Seems Coach is tired of the Rock using him as a piss-boy everytime he tries to do some dumbass skit in the same general area Rock resides, and La Resistance is still smarting over the Rock burying them the last time they were in town, as well. The crowd begins to chant 'USA'. Seems Coach and LR are gonna come to the ring and give Tajiri a Chinese ass-whippin' (I thought that was Singapore?) and while they're about it they'll dole out for Mr. Johnson a People's Ass-Whuppin' of a Lifetime. Coach sets the mic down and the three cabalerros march to the ring. Slowly.
Rock and Tajiri move the pies and table out of the way in the meanwhile, and instruct the Hopefuls to hit the bricks. When they don't move fast enough, he tells them 'Come on, mamas, there's fixin' to be a homicide up in this sumbitch. MOVE!' Whether they move faster after that I couldn't tell you, since they cut to La Resistance and Coach stutter-stepping up on the apron, as if weighing their options against Rock and Tajiri and still not sure they've got the advantage quite handily enough. Rock talks a bit before telling them to 'Just bring it, BITCH' to complete the catchphrase run, and Coach sends LR ahead. Tajiri gets promptly decked by Grenier as Rock and Conway trade a few punches, but since Tajiri's down they two on one Rock to the mat, and commence to taking the boots to him as Coach figures it's safe enough to get in the ring. Coach calls LR back and leans in to mock the Rock's Smell-lalalala, which he caps off with a pimpslap. Conway goes to punch on Rock while he's still down in the Heel corner and gets in some shots. Oh, but Rhyno's in the ring now, and calling for the you-know-what on the unsuspecting Canadians...
Sylvan gets the Gore. GORE. GOOOOORRRE! Grenier falls out of the ring, and Rock wakes back up enough to lay those signature brawlies across Conway's hapless kisser. Conway staggers away from Rock, and Tajiri kicks his fucking head CLEAN OFF. Conway rolls out the ring, and that leaves Coach by himself against three angry guys, two of which can wrestle. Ruh-Roh, Raggy! Coach knows it's his ass, but he's standing his ground pretty much because there's no avenue of escape. He tells Rhyno and Tajiri to stay out of it so he and Rock can square up mano y mano. Coach then Hulks up like I haven't seen done since Curly was one of the Stooges before charging into Rock's hands for a Spinebuster. Rhyno and Tajiri approve as Rock prepares for the People's Elbow, but he has no elbow pad to throw to the crowd. He shucks his wifebeater and tosses that to the heathens instead. Some dink in the fifth row leaps across like eight people to make the grab, because a shirt shiny with Rock-sweat is Ebay Bonanza. Unless you're a fucking freak, which is also likely from the look of him... Coach takes the People's Elbow and curls up like a caterpillar as the crowd cheers lustily - likely still mesmerized by the wafting aromatherapy of Rock-sweat. Rock then asks Coach if he SME-LALALALLAA!, and then tosses a tiny bit of ruboff to Tajiri and Rhyno with some handshakes and handraising.
We're re-reminded about Orton getting turfed, and told that we just might find out what his future holds next... But first...
Commercials. The Ad Council tells us we can't get our G.E.D. on the street, and shows us a family getting accosted by hood-sellers, but instead of watches and gold they offer Arithmetic and History books. It's actually cooler than it sounds. Much more entertaining than what WWe has shown us so far...
We're back, and Kane is marching in the back with a drycleaning bag on his shoulder. He's all smiles as he whistles 'Here Comes the Bride'. Lawler says he's never seen Kane so happy, and Ross says Kane may be happy, but the guy that's unhappy is the Youngest World Champ in WWe History. Real smooth segue, Ross. No, really. It's very sad that you're their #1 guy, I think. Please kill yourself, hopefully with a grenade so you have a chance at taking Lawler with you.
We replay the Orton Celebration, which I recapped last week if you wanna know what happened. I ain't typing this shit up twice. Forget it.
From there we go to HHH pacing about in the locker-room as he tapes his fists. Evolution has a new T-shirt, which looks sorta like a cross between nWo and a titty-bar deal. On the back it says 'If you want to play, you gotta pay', which is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen men wear to try and look 'tough'. Flair comes in with the same shirt on, so I guess it's the new uniform... Dave gets no shirt, I guess because he's still a Junior member. HHH asks Flair if he's sure Orton is still there at the arena. Flair says yes. HHH turns to Dave and asks if he delivered the ultimatum. Dave replies, "In person. Just like you wanted, man."
HHH stares at Dave, but blanks on an appropriate quip for the staggering lack of brain in Dave - so he just tells him 'Good'. Flair asks HHH if he thinks Randy will really go through with it... HHH says 'What choice does he have? Randy Orton is no longer in charge of his destiny." He motions to Dave and then says "We are." Flair smiles like a mannequin, trying to digest his not being part of the group that gets to be in charge of Randy's destiny... HHH punches his hands together
And we go to Lita... Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, right? This week is sure proving Someone Upstairs has me confused with a urinal puck, doesn't it? There is a knock on her door, and don't you wonder who it is? Well, the door gives way and Kane comes in with the drycleaning bag. Still smiling. Glad you're having fun, Glenn. That brings the worldwide total of people enjoying this shit to... one. Kane sniffs Lita's hair a bit, and then talks some boring-ass 'psycho' shit before he gives her a wedding dress. A whie one... He basically decides to let her wear white anyway, both to signify the purity of his child and because it's 'a nice day for a white wedding'. Wow, just when you thought Billy Idol couldn't get any GAYER, fucking KANE quotes his one fucking hit...
Also on the card, Steve Regal will have Eugene in his corner to face Ric Flair, who will have Batista in his corner. And in case you forgot, Edge and Christian will battle for the IC strap. Again. But first...
We're back, and Jericho makes his entrance looking kinda haggard, but the crowd pops because they're finally gonna see a fucking match. Heh. These two are still jerking the curtain... Edge comes out next as Ross and Lawler explain to us that these former friends no longer like each other. After all that build, that's the best you two can come up with? Sheesh. I feel bad for the business if these two are the top guys in the industry...
The ref calls for the bell to start the match. Edge and Jericho circle each other a bit before going to the collar and elbow tieup. Jericho hits an armdrag immediately. Both men leap back to a vertical base and tie up again. Edge trying to push Jericho to the nearside corner, but Y2J slips it and puts the IC Champ in a full armdrag and twist which he flows to a hammerlock. Edge steps between the second and bottom rope to force the break. Jericho waits for a three out of five before doing so, but slaps Edge on the shoulder as a show of disrespect. Edge steps back into the ring for another couple laps around the ring, then they tie up once more. Jericho slips it again and goes to a waistlock. Edge manages to pry Jericho's hands apart and puts Y2J in a full armdrag and twist, but Jericho reverses it to an arm-wringer takedown. Jericho clamps on a sidecar style armbar, stressing Edge's wrist and elbow. Edge tries to get loose, and eventually shoves Jericho away and into a headscissors. Jericho kicks loose and they both scramble back to their feet.
Edge throws a punch that Jericho was supposed to armdrag him from, but he threw the wrong hand - which blows the spot. Edge follows quickly with a left to make it look like he decked Jericho instead of fucking up, which shows some ring prescence from our Mr. Copeland. Took long enough, huh? Jericho gets to his feet, but Edge punches him back down. Jericho a little slower to get up this time, and Edge lays a nice measured right across his cheek, and then kicks him while he's down. Edge hauls Jericho back up and gives the Irish Whip. Jericho hangs on to the ropes, though, which ruins any planned offense. Jericho flips Edge off, which makes him mad enough to charge. Jericho leans out of the way, pulling down the top rope so Edge can jump to the floor. Edge shakes out the cobwebs on the floor while Jericho regroups in the ring...
Edge climbs up to the apron, and Jericho clobbers him with the Springboard Dropkick, sending the Champ sprawling back to the floor. Edge tries to figure out how he got back down on the floor as Jericho paces around to draw in his Second Wind.... And then...
Commercials. Resident Evil: The Movie... Gets a sequel. I die just a little bit more inside...
We're back, and Edge has Jericho in a Neck Vise/Chinlock combo, but Jericho fights to a vertical base and begins to elbow free. Edge cuts it short with a clubbing forearm to the back of Jericho's head, knocking Jericho to one knee. Edge goes to the ropes for momentum, and Jericho feeds him the Spinwheel Kick. Edge is knocked nice and goofy, but Jericho's in no shape to capitalize. The ref starts the ten-count as they both struggle to their feet. Jericho is up by three using the ropes. Edge is almost up as well, also using the ropes, but Jericho toe-kicks him in the belly, then hits a right cross to force Edge into the Nearside Corner. Edge and Jericho trade forearm shivers, Jericho with a Chop. Edge with another forearm shiver, followed by a Chop. Jericho backing up to the Farside Corner as Edge keeps the brawlies going. Edge tries to whip Jericho to the Nearside, but Jericho reverses. Edge hits the buckles and sees Jericho following him in, so he puts his legs up. Jericho slides under him to the outside and makes with the double leg pickup. Edge kisses the canvas and starts to crawl away as Jericho scurries to the top buckle. Edge shakily gets to his feet and Jericho wallops him with the Spinning Reverse Elbow. Jericho covers and it gets a good two before Edge kicks out.
Jericho quickly to his feet as Edge tries to do the same, so Y2J knocks him down with a clothesline. Edge gets back up, so Jericho charges in again. Edge tries a pancake, but Jericho reverses it to a hurancuncrana, which gets another twocount. The two of them get to their feet and Jericho works some brawlies on the disoriented Edge. Jericho bounces his face off the buckles in the Heel corner, then starts kicking him in the belly. He lays in three before deciding he's softened him up enough for a Whip to the Face corner, but Edge reverses it and Jericho heads for the corner, but Y2J runs up the buckles and tries to float over Edge coming in. But Edge wasn't coming in, and he catches Jericho with a boot in the belly as he comes down, then plants him the rest of the way with a DDT. It gets two.
Edge crawls away to regroup as Jericho tries to uncross his eyes. The ref is making sure Jericho is okay instead of doing the ten-count like he's supposed to in situations like this. Edge crawls to the Farside Corner and pulls himself upright with help from the turnbuckles. Jericho is still down as Edge backs into the Heel corner, still regrouping. Edge catches a breather as Jericho crawls to the Face corner to pull himself up, I guess, but the ref is in the way so he uses the ropes instead. Edge prepares for the Spear and Jericho makes it to his feet. Edge charges and Jericho sidesteps him, so Edge heads straight at the hapless ref. Edge slams on the brakes just in time, then turns to face Jericho. Jericho's waiting for him and makes with the Double Leg Pickup, which he flows into an attempt at the Walls. Edge blocks it and rolls Jericho over with an inverted Crucifix, but they're too close to the apron so Jericho's leg is on the bottom rope. Edge rolls outside as his music hits, sure of his victory, but the ref sees Jericho's leg and waves it off.
The ref is calling Edge back to the ring because Jericho had the ropes, but Edge pays him no heed and picks up the IC strap and makes to leave up the ramp all smiles. The ref has a confab with the timekeeper and Garcia, then runs up to stop Edge from leaving and explain that it's not over just yet, I guess...
Commercials. Hey, I thought Dave Chappelle told MTV to go pound rocks for their fucking VMAs...? Hmm.
We're back, and apparently the match was restarted, because there's Jericho suplexing Edge into the center of the ring. Y2J covers and gets two. They both get to their feet, but Jericho bounces Edge off the Nearside Buckles and then hits the ol' Nash Choke after a couple quick kicks to the midsection of the IC Champ. Edge is obviously holding Jericho's leg up there, since he had to catch the foot and put it on his neck himself. Jericho's pretty tired to fuck up a simple spot like that, but then again Edge is taller than he by a good bit... Edge staggers out of the corner when Y2J releases him at three, and sends the Champ to the ropes for a Double Seated Dropkick attempt. Edge hangs onto the ropes, so Jericho crashes to the mat all alone.
Jericho favoring te back of his skimmer some as Edge looks like he's sucking wind, but trying to regroup as best he can as Lawler gets behind him from the broadcast booth, suggesting Edge is the heel here pretty strongly. Edge picks Jericho up and sends him to the ropes, but Jericho ruins his shoulderblock with a running forearm to the temple. Edge goes down like he's been shot, but bounces back up quickly enough. Y2J charges through him with a Shoulderblock. Edge bounces back up again, so Jericho hits the Jumping Enzuigiiri. Edge lurches forwards from the impact and lands across the ropes. Jericho takes the opportunity and hits Edge with the ol' Bossman Rush. Edge almost ricochets back to his feet as Y2J runs to the ropes and catches Edge with the Facebuster. Jericho tries to follow that up with the Lionsault, but Edge rolls away. Jericho adjusts in midair to land on his feet, but winces and grasps at his left thigh. Edge tries to capitalize, but Jericho nails a Flying Neckbreaker Drop. It gets two.
Edge retreats to the Heel corner for another regroup, but Jericho keeps the pressure up with some brawlies, then attempts an Irish Whip to the Face corner. Edge reverses, so Jericho hits the corner. Edge comes in to capitalize, but eats another Reverse Back Elbow. Edge staggers, so Jericho comes in at him. Edge slips around behind him and hits the Edge-Cution. Gets two. Edge picks Jericho up and hen sends him reeling with a forearm shiver. Edge hits him with another one, and Jericho stumbles to the Farside Corner. Edge sends him to the opposite side of the ring with an Irish Whip, which he follows with a clothesline attempt. Jericho ducks and comes off the Far Side, but Edge tosses him over the top rope. Jericho hangs on and lands on the apron as Edge runs to the Far Side for momentum. Jericho is speared off the apron, and he falls chinfirst into the barrier, startling a few kids at ringside. Edge goes out after Jericho and rolls him back in. Jericho flat out in the center of the ring, so Edge climbs the steps and then the buckles of the Heel corner... Jericho gets to his feet, so Edge comes off with a High Cross Body. Jericho rolls through, and Edge is in a pinning predicament. Gets two.
They run around a bit before Edge winds up in the Walls. Edge actually manages to get the ropes, so Jericho lets him go and lays a few clubbing shots on Edge's lower back. Jericho goes to the ropes again, and Edge catches him in mid Crossbody and drapes him crotch-first across the top rope. Jericho falls to the mat as Edge digs deep and prepares for the Spear once more. The referee rules Jericho unable to continue and calls for the bell. Edge Spears Jericho anyway, so I guess he's an official heel now, eh? Oh, I see. The referee rules Jericho's crotching as deliberate, and has disqualified Edge. There was about a half second delay between Edge catching Y2J and Y2J being draped across the ropes, and in full view of the zebra so I think it's a good call, though a bit disappointing that all that work goes for nothing with a screwy finish. Edge is backing up the ramp telling Jericho "I had you beat you son of a bitch!" Goody. A sore-loser type heel... Oh well, let's see if this flies any better by next week, because as turns go this was pretty lame, guys.
Cut to Evolution marching down the hallway with HHH on point. Y'know, now that I look at it, Flair's a dead ringer for one of those California Raisins... Just put some little plastic feet on his chin and you'd swear he should be singing Motown. HHH yanks off the official Evolution Tee, and they continue marching towards their goal as Ross and Lawler speculate about what sort of ultimatum they had Dave deliver to Randy...
Commercials. Nintendo? Just give up. Nobody wants a fucking Gamecube. Not even a cool black one.
We're back, and so beginneth the Entrance for HHH, flanked by Evolution. Remember when they came out to Evolution's music? That's not gonna sell many New T-Shirts. Neither is Lawler trying to forward the 'Evolution is the Solution' catchphrase. It sucks just a bit harder now, don't it? Of course it does.
HHH gets a mic and growls that there's been a lot of talk about Destiny lately. Trips informs us that he doesn't believe in Destiny. He doesn't believe anything in life is pre-determined... I beg to differ here, buddy, since you stinking up the mic every week for ten minutes at a clip looks like pretty strong evidence against you. Blah Blah Blah. For every choice there's a consequence. Blah Blah Blah. Triple H runs down Orton's progenitors as a pack of abject failures. Evolution rollcall. Blah Blah Blah. Flair's been champ a bunch of times. Blah Blah. Dave's a Roid Rage posterboy. Blah Blah. HHH is the greatest wrestler alive today. Blah Blah Blah, Yakkety Schmakkety. OH, I see. Seems all Orton was authorized to do was 'soften Benoit up' for HHH to beat, and instead chose to take the Championship himself - hence the punking last week. That's kinda funny for someone that just said he was the greatest wrestler alive to need someone to do, ain't it?
You FOOL! Now's no time for LOGIC!
Triple H claims 'That title is MINE. Everybody knows it.' Except Orton, apparently. Blah Blah Blah. Randy has a choice to make. He can either march to the ring and lay down to turn the World Title over to Triple H. For making that 'right choice', Trips will let him LIVE - but Evolution will forget that he exists. However, should Orton make the WRONG choice, Trips will personally, personally see to it that Randy ceases to exist. I guess that's as close as you can get to a death threat with this TV-Rating, but it just doesn't come off smoothly enough to convey the required 'menace' - especially with Flair grinning like a jackass over HHH's shoulder. And now, it's time for Orton to make his choice...
Orton comes out to Evolution's music with his eyes downcast. Bobo smiles as it looks ever more clear that he's a fucking genius prophet. Dave and Flair are standing by on the outside as Orton marches up the steps to the ring, still staring at his feet. Trips calls for a referee to come out now, so that Orton can do the right thing. A zebra gets into the ring, and HHH tells Orton to hand him the belt. The crowd is getting behind Orton, even chanting 'Randy! Randy!'. HHH repeats himself, and Orton looks wistfully at the belt, and then to HHH. Then back to the belt. The crowd continues encouraging Orton, but Randy holds the belt out to Levesque. Trips nods and grasps it then starts to pull away, but Orton is still holding the belt. HHH looks askance at Orton, and Orton spits a fucking BUCKET on HHH's new beard. Orton's got on a smile the likes of which I haven't seen since they cancelled the Beverly Hillbillies. Triple H realizes what Orton has just done, and shakes in fury a bit before charging - straight into a beltshot.
HHH goes down in a heap. Evolution leaps into the ring - as Orton leaps out of it. Orton's over the barrier in less time than it takes to tell, and he escapes through the crowd. HHH is of course pretty darn upset at this turn of events. Yeah, I hear ya, Jean-Paul... Nobody likes for Bobo to be right, but it never fucking stops him, does it? No, clearly not.
We're treated to a replay of Orton's Mega-Loogie, and then cut to Victoria demanding Bischoff cancel the wedding. Bischoff refuses. HHH runs up and demands Orton's ass on a plate. Bischoff gives him a title shot at Unforgiven.
Tn we go to Eugene's music playing for Regal to enter the ring, with Eugene in tow. Regal's still sporting a beaut of a shiner, but otherwise the picture of 'I am gonna FUCK me up some Nature Boy TONIGHT'. Eugene plays airplane in the meanwhile...
Commercials. Ben Kingsley is a psycho-killer. Wow, can you believe a guy that won a fucking OSCAR would be THIS hard up for work?
We're back, and Flair is making his entrance to his music, with Dave in tow. Dave bows to him before he gets onto the apron. Flair has the ref hold open the ropes for him, then the ref has Gene and Dave scram to the floor so they can get started... Bell rings and Flair and Regal circle each other. They go to the collar and elbow, but Regal turns it to a Side Headlock - then shifts his grip to an inverted Neck Vise. Borderline stranglehold, actually. Flair is then respectfully forearmed upside the head, then put back into the Side Headlock. Flair Irish Whips himself free, but Regal runs through him with a shoulderblock - then backs away and calls for Flair to stand back up. Flair complies. They lock up again, and Regal flows from a half-nelson back to that Inverted Neck Wrench smooth as silk. Regal with a forearm, then back to the Side Headlock. Nice psychology in there, Steve William. Flair Irish Whips free, and is knocked back down via shoulderblock. Deja vu, anyone?
Flair back up, and they go to another tieup, but Flair buries a knee into Regal's ribcage. Regal doubles up, so Flair pushes him to the Heel Corner for some Choppy-Woo. Flair then guides Regal to the Farside Corner for yet more Choppy-Woo. Regal looks like he's digging deep for a burst of thrash, but Flair tags him with a right. Regal falls across the middle rope. Flair gives a Woo, then hauls Regal back up for... You guessed it, more Choppy-Woo. Flair goes to a nice right hook, but Regal blocks it and pushes Flair to the corner. Flair eats four European Uppercuts and a forearm, then Regal Irish Whips him into the Nearside Corner. Flair bounces out, and Regal dishes out the Back Body Drop. Flair back up, but Regal's waiting and sends him to the ropes again before LEVELLING him with a crisp Spinning Forearm. Flair scrambles back to a vertical base, and Regal clouts him with another European Uppercut. Flair Flop.
Regal sizes up the situation, and then drops a knee across the back of Flair's head. Flair tries to roll away, but Regal cinches him up in that Head Vice once more, with added leverage since they're on the mat. Flair soaks up the damage a bit, then kicks himself out. Regal hauls Ric to a vertical base, and Flair goes to the breadbasket with a right hand - then tosses Regal out of the ring so Dave can get some work in. Nope, Flair goes out after Regal himself, and hits another couple Choppy-Woos. Regal trying to focus past the pain, and Flair moves in on him once more - and is Back Body Dropped on the floor. Ouch. Regal rolls back into the ring as Flair flops around on the floor like a fish. What next?
Commercials. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, eh? Angelina Jolie in an eyepatch... Bomb's away!
We return to the action of Flair begging off, but Regal Whipping him to the Farside corner. Regal rushes in to capitalize, and gets a Back Elbow from Flair. Regal staggers to his feet, but Flair knocks him down with another Choppy-Woo. Flair follows that up with a Kneedrop, then a short Irish Whip to the Nearside corner. Regal slumps a bit and Flair moves in with an overhand right that sits Regal on the canvas for some mudhole stomping. Flair lays in about four kicks, then leaps in and makes with the Blatant Choke. Flair releases at four, and then pastes Regal with another punch. Flair goes to the body, and follows up the combo with a Choppy-Woo. Regal goes down. Flair struts a but, then catches Regal standing up with another Chop that he follows up with another Kneedrop. Flair going to the bad eye of Regal with some brawlies and they begin to trade shots. Regal getting the better of the exchange, then he Whips Flair to the Heel corner. Regal follows up with a Back Body Drop. Flair responds with a thumb to the eye. Regal staggers, so Flair climbs to the top buckle. Regal tosses him across the ring.
Flair trying to pull himself together, but Regal's on him like stink on shit with a lovely flurry of brawlies. Flair in trouble deep as Regal takes him to the mat with the Butterfly Suplex. Flair goes downstairs, then sends Regal to the ropes. Batista with a cheapshot flattens Regal, and Flair clamps on the Figure Four. Gene tells on Batista, and the referee goes to ask him if he cheated. In the meanwhile, Gene rushes into the ring and flips Regal and Flair over, reversing the Figure Four. Dave is very cross and marches over to Gene. They have a bit of a brawl before Dave gnip-gnops Eugene off the ringpost. Flair has just barely managed to get loose in the meantime as Batista proudly looks at his handiwork before walking the long way around the ring back to his 'spot' on the floor - but Benoit is out to meet him and lays into Batista with some pretty crisp Choppy-Woos of his own. Dave throttles Benoit and pushes him to the Farside Ringpost, then attempts to lariat his skull in half, but Benoit ducks and Dave does himself some serious harm. Benoit adds injury to injury with some Rabid Wolverine Mauling, as Regal and Flair both are struggling to get on brass knuckles. The ref is distracted by Benoit beating Batista's ass on the outside. Regal and Flair size each other up, and both swing the loaded mitts. Regal's hits. Flair hits the mat like he's been shot, which is pretty accurate considering. Regal drops his BK's down his singlet and pins Flair. Threecount.
Regal, Benoit and Gene celebrate, and Gene's still looking pretty groggy from being headfirsted into the ringpost. Oh, no... You don't suppose? No, can't be. They wouldn't DARE go that fucking How Now Brown Cow route again. Right?
Commercials. Hotshots Golf goes online via PS2. Anyone care? Me neither.
Oh goody, we're told HBK will be returning at Unforgiven. Gee, I wonder which match he'll interfere in...? Duuh.
Smackdown Rebound? I fast forward past it. Coach and the Divas? Fast forward. Lita looking morosely at herself in that white dress before pitching a vase through it? Meh. Kane is smiling all big in an all-white tux, and he makes his way to the ring for his nuptuals.
The wedding band is playing on white cellos and shit. The ring-bearer comes out, and it's the same midget that used to play little Goldust. Then the Flower girl comes out, and it's a chick midget... Then the band plays Kane's entrance theme. On cellos with a piano accompaniment. That's not bad, actually. Much creepier than his usual fare. Kane is smiling all big as Lita's organ music is begun for her long walk down the aisle. She comes out in a black dress. Kane is most displeased. What, you're surprised Lita fucked up a carefully crafted bit? How long have you been working there, Glenn?
The preacher makes with the flowery stuff, and then introduces Bischoff. Eric's in a white suit, too, and with that hair looks JUST like Tatoo for Kane's Rourke. Eric says he'll take the opportunity to read his favorite passage from the Bible. (HUH?) Ephesians 5:25. Here's the funny part, what Eric reads isn't REMOTELY the text I recall from that passage. Not even in the watered-down NIV.
Kane shows a clipreel to 'Having My Baby'. It's pretty sickening, but I never liked that goddamn song, anyway. The clips of Kane terrorizing Lita don't improve my take on it. They wrote their own vows. I fast forward past Kane's, and come out of it as Lita wishes Kane dies in an accident and rots in hell. Kane says it was lovely. The preacher rolls to the 'if anyone feels against this, speak now' bit. The crowd raises a stink and a half, and then Trish comes out with a mic, and in a slut-suit. She offers herself as the Maid of Honor, because, well, who better? She even wore white because she knew Lita couldn't. Sigh.
Trish takes a couple more digs, and then Lita launches into her. They roll down the stairs and Lita bounces Trish's head some. Kane pries her off Trish and hauls her to the altar for the Do You? Lita Does. The preacher asks Kane, but before he can answer Matt Hardy's music hits. Kane comes down the ramp to meet Hardy halfway, but Hardy comes up behind him and ambushes him into little pieces. Matt grabs Lita and they make a break for it, but Kane calls up a wall of fire to prevent their escape. Kane catches up. Hardy tries to fight him, but Kane kicks him in the head with the Giant Boot, then Chokeslams him off the side of the ramp.
Kane drags Lita back to the altar to close the deal, and then makes with the kissie-face and carries her back up the ramp, pausing on the way out to peer down at Matt being tended to by the trainers and referees... Lita cries a bit as we fade to black.
Jesus, two matches? TWO? Even if one of them was as long as it was, this was a total goddamn waste of two hours. Airtime totally squandered for the sake of a cavalcade of pointless skits. The wrestling was lovely, mind you, but sadly not enough to pull this show out of the fucking toilet - which surprises exactly NOBODY, of course. But I digress...
Being right about the Orton turn is still pretty fucking spiffy, I will say that much. Now I have to worry about buying a fucking motherboard tomorrow, so there's your goddamn recap.
You're welcome. See you SOON.