I leave you in capable hands this week, as Mr. Bobo Fiendish has agreed to take the reins and recap the Monday night freakshow in my absence. Bobo's quite the talented chap, so it'll be a nice change of pace from my usual dreck. See you next week. Enjoy Bobo.

{/intro}

Pinch Hitting
Originally Posted 8-18-03
 

Hello, my intended...

Well, it looks like it's my lucky day. I just turned thirty-three, and spent most of the day in the emergency room over some strange chest pains that turned out to be some minor viral inflammation twixt my lungs and the chest wall. I figured it was probably nothing, but when you remember stuff like Barbwire Mike's Collapsed Lung Story, it's best to err on the side of caution, don't you agree?

To top it off, I almost forgot the fact that I promised to step in for ol' Johnny this week - so as a special present from my bestest buddy VKM, I'm gonna get me some crap. Wheee.

You may wonder why I didn't do like many other of your favorite op-columnists did and slap together a wish list over at Amazon... Well, three reasons:

1) I usually buy my own swag.
2) Most of you have better things to piss your cash away on than such as I.
3) I forgot my birthday.

No kidding. I had totally put it out of my mind and it stayed out until the nurse typed up the little ID strap. "Oh, it's your birthday!" she says.

"Oh. Yeah. So call the doctor so I can see what God gave me, huh?"

So, needless to say, this recap might be a little... grouchy. Probably not on the level of Scott Keith, though, so if you like it like that go read HIS recap. Those two or three of you that are still left, make sure you buckle your seatbelts. Here comes The Treatment!

From Grand Rapids, Michigan, it's Monday Night RAW. Tonight's wonderful bits are to include Test versus Scott Steiner, with the prize being Stacy's 'services' for the night. Since I missed the show last week, I have no goddamn idea how that happened. Didn't they just DO that with Torrie and them on Smackdown? And didn't it stink on ice? So, why retread it? Vince? Sigh.

Also, it seems since they're gonna do that Elimination Chamber deal at the PPV (in SIX DAYS!) they've decided to give us the Hair vs. Hair thing with Jericho and Nash tonight... Is anyone excited? Me neither. With my luck, it'll be a double DQ and they both get clipped.

Standard intro, you know, the one with the pictures of Austin and Bischoff...? Yeah, that's great, isn't it?

And it's JR back from the burn ward and sounding just as out of touch as ever, and he's flanked by Jim 'You Touched My Kid, I'm Gonna Call the' Lawler... The show starts officially with the Highlight Reel, as Jericho runs through many of his self-chosen nicknames, steals from Mike Myers to promise he's gonna shave Nash's 'he-yooge haid', and also promises to win back his gold in the Elimination Chamber. More stuff about his fifteen year career that nobody cares about anymore, and then Y2J calls out HBK.

Is it my imagination, or is HBK part of this Highlight Reel bit almost as much as Jericho?

Oh, I see, since Michaels won the first one they wanna know if he thinks he can repeat? But he's not letting Micheals answer, and then since he's gotta prep for the big Hair match, he calls out his 'special guest hosts and close friends' Evolution.

Evolution?

And yet, Michaels stands his ground because he's with God... Or is it that God just got there to be with him? (Attaboy, Fiendish. Never let go!) Now HHH is explaining how dangerous and such the cell is, and how he nearly got killed last time and yadda yadda yadda. Triple H is tough yadda yadda yadda. Then Evolution attacks, but Michaels is fighting off all of them for a bit before being overwhelmed - and here comes Nash to save the day with the slow walk-in... Nash mixes it up, and then he gets taken down... And here comes Goldberg to clean house and destroys everyone while HHH punches in the prone Nash's he-yooge haid... Goldberg readies the Spear and charges at HHH, but Hunter gives him the O-Lay and he spears Nash instead. Evolution escapes in the confusion.

Yeah, I bet you're all pre-ordering that PPV right NOW, aren't ya?

Hey, they're letting HHH do commericals, as Stacker 2 has a drink now... I'm gonna get a WAV file of Helmsley saying how he 'needs to feel the Stinger'. That's SO my e-mail alert sound now.

Test promises when he wins he and Stacy will get back together... And this time he's gonna treat her like the slut she is. Stacy looks worried, and so do I. All this time she was a slut, and nobody TOLD me? Bastards.

Next up is Trish vs. Molly. But first, let's do a pre-taped promo with Trish talking about the match to come. Say, that was pretty interesting back in the 80s... Holy Retro, Trish!

Molly comes out, the bell rings, and they go at it. Trish with a Thesz Press and punches... Molly charges up and starts to thrash Stratus. But of course it goes to a brawl and Trish makes with a bunch of knife Edge chops. But Trish gets back up quick and catches Molly on the corner with that handstand spot. But here's Gail Kim running out and Trish thrashes her for a bonus. Then she goes to the top and dives off - but Molly ducks. Molly with the pin, but Kim attacks... Molly? DQ. Folks, it was THAT fast. And the crowd is just as confused as I am.

Then we cut to Stone Cold having a word with Evolution, and how he disapproves of their gang tactics... But since they're 'so tough' and since Orton's got a stupid grin on his face, Austin's gonna put him in a match with Goldberg. Evolution is unimpressed, so for fun Austin says there's gonna be a special enforcer out there, and it'll be him - which thrills Evolution about as much as you or I.

Not at all.

Next we'll bring out Shane McMahon... I don't know why, either. But since he's got a mic, he'll tell us. Two reasons... One, he's not gonna have a match with Bischoff at Summerslam - because he wants to thrash him tonight and when he's done Eric won't MAKE it to Summerslam. Two, because of Kane - and that there's something he wants to give him real personal - a gascan? He's gonna set Kane on fire?

Then we have a bit with Lance and Golddust, as Goldie is still trying to get Storm to do something spontaneous and fun. He asks what the last thing Storm did that was 'out of the ordinary' and is told that he once rented a video and returned it without rewinding... Dustin asks the same thing I did: "What is WRONG with you?" And he's SURPRISED nobody buys him as a heel? Canadians... Anyway, Dustin's decided that Lance's mission is to go into the girl's locker and say nasty, sexy words to the first diva he sees - then kiss her. Anyone else smell ol' Moolah and Mae Young around the corner?

Which brings us to a special webcam of Linda McMahon recuperating... And I think it's funny that she's not watching Raw, don't you? Then again, why should SHE be different?

And here's that exciting 'services' match we've been waiting for with all the anticipation reserved for a nice hanging for crimes we didn't commit.

After some commercials, here comes Steiner and Stacy, which means the fans had nothing but Test to look at while I got some commercials. Looks like I win that one. The bell rings, and Steiner takes command early with that trademark slow and stiff brawling. He's thrashin the crao outta Test, and gives him the Belly to Belly... Then some more brawling, and Test is a Mess. Elbow Kiss Drop. Test battles back, but misses the Yakuza Kick, and I think his knee went out. I wonder what it is with people wrecking their legs in Steiner matches? The trainers come out and make like they're helping a gimped up Test out of the ring. Oops, he was faking - and kicks Steiner's skull in to win Stacy. I suppose I should've noticed they didn't ring the bell when Test was 'injured' and being led away, but how often do they actually ring the bell to end a match anymore? Stacy is dragged to the back by Test, and hey, you wonder why I laugh when these guys hurt themselves?

And after the break, we're treated to a Tag Match... La Resistance, the Champions, will face... Nobody yet, they're gonna chew the fat first. They're giving the Dudleyz a moment of silence for burying them last week - and that they'll do it again at Summerslam. And now they're messing with some Army guy in the front row, an asking him how many innocent people he killed last year. Like he'd tell you, or something... Jackasses. And here comes the Dudleyz to make nice, and I soooooo smell a plant at this point, since La Resistance slapped the guy, and then the Dudleyz bring him in to wave the flag and thank him for all he does for the country... USA. USA. U... Woah. The guy just up and thrashed the hell outta the Dudleyz with the flagpole, and the French guys comes back out to put the boots in and they bury the Dudleyz again...

And we'll go to commercial, but first we'll have a quick peek at Jericho brushing his 'beautiful flowing locks', as he's described them earlier... Do you care yet? Me neither. Should be a thriling match, Jericho and Nash - but of course it won't be.

Commericials, and then another look at the Hag-Cam, as we see Linda still can't bring herself to watch Raw - and is instead working on her computer... And guess what? It's not WWE.com, either... Heh.

Here comes Nash, now, and it looks like he sprung for extra peroxide this week, doubtless so we can't see how gray it is when he's shaved like when it happened to Bischoff back in WCW... Nash goes to 'work', and yes, they mentioned how he got speared earlier - so look for a job from Big Sexy tonight. Nash with a Side Slam, Jericho with a kick to the leg, Nash backdrops Jericho outside, and then Rolls the Dice with Chris on the safety barrier. Jericho manages to get the upper hand, and gets Nash with a springboard elbow smash - and then a missile dropkick. Only gets two. Chris Jericho now unhooking the turnbuckle, and the referee moves to fix it as Nash rolls Chris up for an uncounted five, and a slow two on top... Jericho with a bunch of chops and shoulders to the midsection, and he makes a huge runup for a shoulder to the belly, but NBash dodges and Jericho hits the steel. Nash gets two out of it, and then Sidewalk Slams Y2J for another two. Nash getting frustrated. Crowd getting bored.

Jericho makes with a comeback, and gets two. he comes off the ropes, and Nash catchjes him with a lunging CLothesline. Nash gets two. Jericho's up first (of course) and nails the Lionsauilt, sort of, for another two. Jericho with the Boston Crab, and they mention the Spear again as Nash crawls to the ropes. The ref calls for the break, and Y2J thinks he's got it won, but the referee corrects him - and then Nash makes with the Jackknife, for two. Tosses Jericho to the ropes, gives him the Big Boot and tries for another Jackknife... But Jericho flails about in panic and manages to thumb the ref in the eye and quickly gets in a lowblow on Nash while the Striper is trying to get his eyesight back. Which is long enough for Y2J to get some brass knuckles out of his tights and waylay Nash for the win. Nash gets the haircut from Jericho, and all the 'insiders' who predicted it are vindicated. But Jericho looks weaker every week, which I suppose is the overall point, and that vindicates guys like me... Neener Neener.

And Rosey gets the vignette, his mission being to save a little girl's cat named Mr. Snuggalot from a tree... He does it, and then Hurricane comes out to explain to the little girl that thanks aren't necessary... And then proceeds to start telling her a story of when HE saved the day some other time, as Rosey starts getting his ass kicked by the cat! Folks, I dunno about anyone else, but I thought this was hilarious. If the guy could sell like that in the ring, he might have a career someday... Heh.

Now Theodore Long and Rodney come back to Raw, and they get to battle Rosey - with Hurricane as his manager. The two big fellas brawl some, then Rosey hits the Samoan Drop and follows that up with an Avalanche Front Slam - and the win. I don't think the match was a whole minute, so the terse recap of it is not my fault this time, okay?

Oh, goody, we get to talk to Linda McMahon on the webcam, and she's telling us she's got two herniated disks in her neck - but won't need surgery. As she goes on about being shaken psychologically, someone starts ringing her doorbell - a lot. And it's Eric Bischoff? Shoot, I was hoping it was Kane. Eric comments on how funny it is that her son's looking for him in Michican when he's at the palatial McMahon estate. Eric makes with the sick stalker talk about how Linda's all alone, and then comments that Linda looks exceptional this evening - then we go to commercial.

We're back from commercial, and Bischoff is still in the house with Linda. Linda asks him to leave, but Eric's not there to hurt her - he's there to please her. I'm getting nauseous. Linda goes to make to call security, but Eric stops her. Bischoff thens tarts going on about how Shane stole WCW from him - a company he built from the ground up (on a giant stack of Ted Turner's money, by all accounts) and more ranting about how he's gonna thrash Shane. And we're moving into scumbag territory as it looks like Eric's supposed to be raping Linda this evening. He makes with the kiss after noticing Linda's 'quite a big breasted beauty'... Most of America has just changed their channel, and before it gets worse they go to commercial again.

Wow. Just when you thought they couldn't top Katie Vick, huh? R.D. has his definition this week, for sure. There's no way they can top this on the crap-o-meter with anything on Smackdown. None.

Back fom the break, we get Shane's reaction, and he's understandably screaming curses and such staring at his cellphone - which I suppose we're supposed to believe somehow receives Spike TV - before he steals a car and leaves. Wow, you'd think Daddy would've given the kid a car by now, wouldn't you?

Christian versus RVD, and Christian makes with the side headlock. RVD pushes off - but is shoulder-blocked down. Christian moves to capitalize, and eventually gets that monkeyflip deal. RVD forced to the corner, but no clean break from Christian. More running about, and RVD has Christian in an rmbar... Christian gets shoved to the corner, and RVD eats the ringpost trying for a shoulderblock to the bread basket... Christian now working the arm, and RVD seems to be grounded - but the crowd gets behind him, charging him up so he can punch out. But Christian takes him down with an armwringer, and then sends him to the corner - but RVD reverses it and comes off with High Cross Body for two. Christian still in control of thematch, and RVD tries to battle free but gets the old Gutbuster... Christian hauls him up for more, but RVD gets out the stepover rolling heelkick. Christian manages to the throw RVD to the ropes, but RVD manages to flip out of danger and kick Christian simple. Goes for Rolling Thunder, but Christian gets up the knees. Ref bump, and now Christian prepares for the one-man Con-Chair-Toe, but RVD slips loose and makes with the VanDaminator! Five Star Frogsplash! He covers, even though Nick Patrick is still out cold, and now Kane comes out...

RVD makes with a chair-loaded baseball slide, and tries to follow it up with a suicida - but Kane clouts him in midair with another chair and then carries him away like a sack of flour. Yeah, what could have been one of the only decent matches of the night, and I gotta deal with some screwjob finish?

Vince: Happy Birthday, Bobo!

Fuck you, Vince.

Oh, look, now Test's gonna make Stacy lapdance on Rico and Stevie Richards... Yeah, that's what ANYONE would do in his shoes. Wait.

Now - since NOBODY wants to see Stacy shake her tailfeathers - we cut to Kane, who's apparently found the gascan Shane left behind... And he's handcuffed RVD to the boiler-pipe, and gagged him with that black towel he wears. I guess he's planning to set him on fire... He gasses RVD up real nice, and lights the matches - then blows them out. No, he won't set him on fire. That's what 'they' want, so he's not gonna... He's not gonna do what 'they' want anymore. NO! He's gonna do what HE wants... WHAT HE WANTS!!!

With Rob Van Dam.

Handcuffed.

In the basement.

Ooooookay.

Now's a good time to get away from this, and I guess the guys in the truck agree as we cut to Stone Cold entering the ring... But first (at 10:56 EST) let's have some commercials.

Randy Orton comes out, and nobody really cares. Par for the course, so far. Heh. Then Goldberg comes out, and HHH and Flair are both on the announce team for this one, so it might not TOTALLY suck. It's eleven even, and Goldberg's just gotten to the ring. Plenty of time for a Goldberg match...

They go off the ropes, and Orton is decked with a clothesline - then thrown to the corner for some kneelifts. Then thrown to the other corner, and Orton gets the foot up... Then Orton clotheslines Goldberg outside, and follows him out for some European Uppercuts and then throws Bill into the steel stairs... Now Orton takes the boots to him, and then locks in a rear chinlock. Goldberg headwhips him over to get free, and then makes with the Gorilla Press. Follows up with a High Elevation Back Body Drop, and Orton retaliates with a thumb to the eye. Goldberg breaks up what might have been an 'RKO' attempt by shoving Orton into the referee, and Austin jumps in and makes the two-count after a Powerslam from Goldberg flattens Orton. Flair makes the run-in as Goldberg has gone to the Rollthrough Ankle Twist, and yanks Austin out before Randy can tap... Austin's back in, and interrupts Flair's stomping of Bill Goldberg with a Stunner. Orton tries to save Flair with a front kick, but gets spun into a Spear. Quick Jackhammer later, and Goldberg wins. Austin raises his hand, and HHH starts making like he wants to come in, but Short-Hair Nash comes out and shoves Austin aside so that he can powerbomb Goldberg. HHH smiles and such, but then HBK comes out and destroys Hunter with a chair. HBK makes with the posing, but then Jericho comes out and waffles HIM with a chair...

And that's it.

Well, folks, as desperate bids to generate interest in the Summerslam goes - they were doing better with Brock and the shark. The entire show seemed to be poorly thrown together overall, and this whole stalker thing with the creepy version of Bischoff is just awful. Two decent vignettes with Storm and Rosey and their respective 'mentors', and Nash jobbing were the only bright spots tonight. The rest was either bland as salt-free crackers, or horrendous. If you missed this trainwreck, I envy you. Summerslam isn't gonna get a buyrate pop from this, but there's still Smackdown, right?

Must... Not... Laugh...

This concludes your evening's recap.

You're welcome. See you SOON.