Hello, my intended...
Well, looks like Phase One is complete, since Randy Orton has beaten Chris Benoit for the World Title. This pleases me. Now, with all due respect to my esteemed colleague Dean Saliba, let me reiterate that Raw is lacking one thing, and sorely: Babyfaces.
Okay, that's not exactly true. There's a bunch of 'good guys' on Raw... But - as a professional evil genius - I have to say that the Forces of Evil really don't have much to fucking worry about from the likes of Hurricane and Rosey, Rhyno and Tajiri, Eugene and Regal, or... or... Wow, that's it? No wonder the Heels run the place! No, I mean Babyfaces that actually have a fucking CHANCE to WIN any given match.
Before you start in, Benoit, Edge, and Jericho are Tweeners. I suppose this might suggest that Canadians usually wait to see who's clearly winning before they pick a side, but it's not historically accurate. Entirely.
Moving right along... God, I miss fantasy wrestling sometimes. Which reminds me. Still no word whatsoever on the 'impending' launch of WWe's Official Fantasy Wrestling Group, which is good since I only got like one guy to contribute a character for me to take in there and make with the ruckus. Thanks, Andrewgfcallum. As for the rest of you lazy bastards...? Think up some fucking jobber and send him along, already! I want at least ONE more guy so I can make a fancy poll and everyone can vote which of the sumbitches I should storm WWe with. I'll draw a picture of the winner (for use in the profile) and send the creator of the character the original drawing. The fuck do you want? I'm not pulling a check for this shit! JESUS.
I will note that I checked out some pretty interesting... things... over at a few of the Blog Communities. I saw one game where the Players had to adopt the IDENTITY of REAL WWe (or assorted Indie critters) Employees and write out what they felt their fucking innermost thoughts were, as well as prepare for and subsequently partake in matches... or locker-room love affairs...
I'm not making this shit up, kids.
I just, y'know, wish to God I was.
I will say this much, I find it just terribly amusing that the guys that 'run the place' as it were are 'Eddy Guerrero' and 'Chris Benoit'.... But I digress. Do note you can click on the various members and, for example, see what Lita 'Really Thinks' about the pregnancy angle, or that Eddy and Benoit had, um, improved on their Best Friends status a... teensy bit. People like this don't make me ashamed I watch wrestling... They just make me wish I owned a goddamned GUN.
Come to think of it, I just might... Wasn't it reported that WWe was actively crushing shit like this?
Hey, VINCE! You missed a spot!
...If THAT doesn't get me some fucking hate-mail, then nothing will.
Tonight's Raw is coming at us from someplace in Canada, they don't tell us where... According to the ten-minutes-to-go blurb, Jericho will face Batista, and Randy Orton will be boasting. Oh, and another round of Diva Gets the Can. Five more weeks of this shit, kids... Yay.
Eric's picture is half-heartedly booed.
Standard Raw Intro. Oh, Eugene's part of it now.
To start off, Garcia has the crowd welcome our NEW Heavyweight Champ, Randy Orton! Orton comes out in a snappy suit strutting to the ring as the physical embodiment of cockiness, glad as hell he's young enough to be allowed to shitbox Lesnar's 'record'. They drop golden confetti and balloons. Orton was even Front Page of the Toronto Sun...
Orton gets a mic, and addresses the masses. "You're cheering now, but last night you THOUGHT that I was in over my head and that there was no way in hell I could beat Benoit, the Crossface, the Sharpshooter, and six German Suplexes... Yet here I am standing before you, the YOUNGEST WWF Champion in HISTORY!!! Yes, he said WWF. God, I love Live TV.
He enjoins all the other 24 year-olds in the house to stand up and show what the average 24 looks like, and even asks them to take off their shirts. Um, Randy? That's kinda gay...
The crowd chants that Randy Sucks. Randy calls it disturbing that 'that' is the shape of the average 24 year old male, which makes what he's accomplished that much more impressive. So, not only is he better looking, but he's just Plain Better. He says there's rumors that him winning was a Fluke, but it was actually Destiny...
Yeah, and the fact that Vince obviously has some sour grapes with his last 'Youngest Champ' bailing out and playing football after pushing him to the fucking moon. Oh, well, we cut to a highlight intro reel showing how lovely Randy Orton is and blah blah blah... Oh, he put the belt on upside down when he won it. Nifty. Randy tells us he did what nobody else could do, and that's beat Chris Benoit 1-2-3, and while it's taking all the strength he's still got to appear before them at this time. But that's okay, because he's unlike all the other champs - he is RANDY ORTON. He tells us we should get used to this, since the Randy Orton Era has only just begun.
Benoit comes out to the ring. Randy looks a bit huffy as Benoit soaks in a modest pop, then eyes him up and down. Orton looks down his nose at Benoit, and Benoit gets a mic. "Before your little era begins, I just wanna let you know you're first Title Defense is gonna be against HIM."
Orton says he knows about the rematch clause, and after Benoit takes a couple weeks and gives Orton a couple week so they can both heal up, then sure they'll have the rematch. Benoit says he just came from Bischoff's office and that rematch clause of his...? He's not gonna wait a couple weeks, he's not gonna wait another DAY. It's gonna be TONIGHT. Benoit strides off as Orton looks a bit sullen.
We're told that a band named "Mercy Drive' created the song 'Away' for Orton's new intro. Okay, and now we go to an 'All or Nothing' match, pitting Rhyno against Grenier. If Rhyno wins, they get a shot at the tag straps. If Grenier wins, then Rhyno and Tajiri are BANISHED from contention for said straps. Interesting. Rhyno and Tajiri come in, and they're followed out by the Flag Wavers.
Rhyno and Sylvan tie up, and Rhyno takes him down a couple times before Sylvan yoinks Rhyno to the outside for Conway to get in some hits. Tajiri comes to the rescue, but gets DDTed out on the floor. Sylvan sets Rhyno on the second rope so Conway can hit him while Sylvan distracts the ref. Then Sylvan hits a Fallaway Flapjack, followed by a chinlock and then a pinfall attempt. Gets two. Grenier hits a Super Irish Whip, smashing Rhyno into the Face corner. Rhyno staggers out, but Sylvan Irish Whips him and tries for the Back Body Drop, but Rhyno kicks him.
Sylvan responds with a clothesline, which he chains into a Reverse Chinlock. Rhyno tries to Hulk Up and makes a couple elbows, but Grenier shuts him down and goes to the ropes for something, but Rhyno counters the Crossbody with a Powerslam. Gets Rhyno a twocount. Rhyno follows up with a suplex and a couple clotheslines, then a flying clothesline. Conway gets on the apron. Rhyno punches him off. Grenier uses the distraction for a Backdrop Suplex to Powerbomb (Nice!) which gets two. Conway slides the belt in for the finishing off, but Tajiri mists him and yanks the belt away from Grenier. Grenier turns into the ring, weaponless, and gets promptly Gored. GORED. GOOOOORED!!! Rhyno wins.
Then we cut to Kane inviting us all to his wedding next week in Anaheim. God, I wish this would stop... Lawler and Ross speak about the Wedding to Come, and Ross isn't very into it.
Commercials. The Dr. Angus deal is goddamn genius, people. It's SO a vicious parody of these fucking asshole diet-gurus, and I just LOVESES it.
We see some photos of Lita and Hardy and Kane at Summerslam. Borrrrrrring.
Lita's walking around in the back with Coach in pursuit, and he wants to know what's going through her mind about now, what with being forced to marry Kane. She walks off, and into her dressing room - when Trish and the Heel Chicks are gonna have her a Bridal Shower. Molly's gift: Birth Control and Condoms. Kim's gift is a framed photo of Lita and Kane's first kiss, and a photoshop deal of what their baby would look like. Jazz's gift is, y'know, in case Kane's out of town now and then, a Big Red Machine of her own. VRRRRRRRTTT!! Fucking thing (pun?) sounds like a goddamn jackhammer... Lita marches off all hurt, and Trish tries to follow her, but runs into some random chick, maybe Victoria. Trish asks if maybe her Dodgeball coach was Stevie Wonder, and gets slapped.
HBK clip/intro... He will Return. But first, Victoria comes shaking her money-maker to the ring. She will face Gail Kim. Sigh. Kim hits the ring and they start off with bit of circling to a couple collar and elbows. Victoria flippies out of Kim's arm-wringer and takes her down. Vic with the Jiggle-Moonsault, gets two. Kim dumps her with a Backdrop Suplex, and then tosses Vic out of the ring. Vic tries to get back in, but Vic shoulderblocks her off and Vic bounces on the floor. Vic manages to get back in, and Kim takes her over in a Snapmare. Kim with an Irish Whip, which she chains into that Ankle Scissor to Tai-Gatame. Vic is in trouble, but manages to get loose this time, putting Kim in a pinning predicament. Gets one.
Vic with a Manhattan Drop, follows with an attempt at a Backdrop Suplex. Kim counters with an Ankle Scissors, Vic responds with a Widow's Peak, and that'll finish it. Trish runs out and clobbers Vic, then Tomco holds her still so she can clobber her again. Then some dude in drag charges out as Tomco gorilla presses the hapless Victoria, hitting the Problem Solver low and yanking Vic to safety. Ross wonders who this might be as the entire front row outs the guy as Steven Richards... Heh.
Commercials. CN8 brags about their coverage of the DNC, and promise more of the same for the RNC in NYC... Meh.
Kane comes to the ring all smiles for a shot at the Intercontinental Championship... Huh? Lawler suggests it's a Wedding Gift from Bischoff as Kane gets a mic and dedicates the match to his Bride to Be... Liiii-Taaaaaaaa. Okay, THAT was creepy.
Edge comes out to a lukewarm pop and they ring the bell. The circle, then go to a tie-up. Kane shoves Edge over. They tie up again, and Kane shoves Edge over again. They go to tie up, but Edge with some brawlies. Kane shoulderblocks him down and takes the boots to him, then goes for the Giant Boot. Edge dodges and quickly chop-blocks him. Edge commences to work on Kane's left leg with kicking and finally downs Kane with a Dropkick to the leg. Edge drags Kane's leg to crotch him on the corner, then wraps him in a modified Texas Clover with the ringpost as the fulcrum. Nice. Edge lets him go at four, and Kane shakily gets to his feet as Edge gets to the apron, but Kane launches Edge from the apron with a crisp Uppercut. Edge is down on the floor, and Lita comes out...
Commercials. Yeah, now's a good time. Oy, seems Tarantino is behind the latest Jet Li wire-fly movie. Okay, I guess I'll give it a chance, then.
Back, and Edge is languishing in a chinlock/nerve hold from Kane, but Edge manages to get to his feet. Kane hotshots him armpit first across the top rope, which gets two. Kane with some brawlies and a kneedrop, then an Elbow Drop, then a pin. Gets two. Back to the Chinlock. No, it's a Seated Sleeper. Edge fights back to a vertical base, but Kane takes him down with a Swinging Neckbreaker. Gets two. Kane pulls Edge up and CLOCKS him with the Uppercut. Edge on rubber legs, but he punches Kane back. Edge with a couple more punches, then a Flying Forearm. Kane sags in the Face corner and Edge comes in to capitalize. Kane catches him and prepares for a Bodyslam, but Edge slips loose and dumps Kane with that Inverted X-Factor, which gets Edge two. Kane finds himself on the apron, and Edge Spears him in the back. Kane falls to the outside.
Edge follows him out and makes with a couple punches, then gets back into the ring and climbs to the top. Kane gets back in, and Edge hits him with a Missile Dropkick. Kane gets loose and punches Edge, then goes to the top himself. Edge follows him up, and they brawl on the top buckle a bit before Kane shoves Edge off - into the ref. Ref is out cold, and Kane hits Edge with that Sloppy Clothesline. Kane prepares the Chokeslam, but Lita grabs his leg. Edge tries to get in the Spear in the confusion, but Kane hits the Giant Boot to counter. Kane re-prepares the Chokeslam as Hardy runs in and hits Kane with the Twist of Fate. Lita seems glad as Hardy escapes. Edge then hits Kane with the Spear and pins him as the referee comes to. Threecount. Edge retains.
Kane sits up and brings Lita into the ring for a stern talking to, but the mic is iffy and you can barely understand him... They fix it as Kane says 'I can see what kind of relationship THIS is going to be, and I am going to ENJOY it.' He then reminds us that next week on Raw they'll be getting married, and then huh huh huh huh uh huh, they will CONSUMMATE. Lita slaps him, but Kane likes it. Hit the pyro. Kane leaves Lita in the ring agonizing (or looking sleepy, I dunno) about this terrible thing... Meh.
Commercials. United Negro College Fund is shaking the contribution can again. I always wondered what would happen if someone started a White Guy College Fund and asked us to contribute to THAT...
Okay, here we go with Coach and the Diva Gets the Can Deal. Seems this time we have to hear from the chicks about which of the Divas THEY would vote off... Carmella gets the first four votes, then Carmella votes Joy, then the last two votes go to Carmella. The consensus is that 'She doesn't really want it as much as the rest of them', and she apparently no-showed for Diva-Dodgeball. Anyhoo, the chick getting canned tonight is Michelle. Carmella tries not to look pleased. She fails.
Jericho in the back making his way to the ring for a battle with Batista....
Jericho makes his Intro and subsequent march to the ring. Dave comes to the ring with Flair in tow, because SOMEBODY'S got to get this stiff over. Heh. Even with Jericho and Flair pitching in, Dave, it's not gonna happen. Give up.
They lock up and Jericho starts kicking Dave in the calf, Dave falls into the Farside corner. Y2J charges him, and eats the Giant Boot. Dave with some brawlies forces Jericho to the Face Corner, but Jericho battles loose and hits a highspot. Jericho moves to capitalize, but Flair trips him up. Dave lays in a kneedrop which he follows up with ploddingly slow brawlie spots. Jericho gets in a quick forearm, then the Jumping Enzuigiiri. Dave staggers, then falls across the ropes.
Jericho tries the Bossman Rush, but Dave gets away. Flair on the apron, so Jericho hits Naitch with a Slingshot Dropkick. Flair breaks up the Lionsault attempt with a Lowblow, which gets Dave DQed. Flair and Dave hit the ring and Dave powerbombs Y2J. Edge comes out to the rescue, but doesn't get into the ring. He circles a bit, then walks away. Dave hits Jericho with another Powerbomb, and then Evolution walks off, leaving Jericho ruined face-down on the mat.
Commercials. Three kids sitting on a Rainbow. One kid falls to his death. Buy Skittles.
Whiskey... Tango... FOXTROT?
DK: No.... Whiskey, Whiskey, Echo.
Hey! Get out of here! Damned random cameos... (grumble)
Okidoki, silliness mode off. Time for Diva Hopeful Survivors to make with the Bikinis as Coach tells us which numbers to call. Yep. Five more weeks...
We're given another look at the invitation to the Big Wedding next week, and then cut to Orton in the back. HHH - sporting a beard now - gleefully proclaims how Dave destroyed Jericho, and then gives some pep-talk to Orton, explaining to him what being the Champ means... (Fucking Stephanie?) Orton listens as HHH explains how lovely Orton's got it now, and tells him to remember what Brought Him to The Dance: Evolution. He then says Evolution is Orton's Solution, and they'll make sure things go right.
Commercials. Comcast Cable Video Mail suggests that we replace using 'LOL' in email with actual videos of ourselves laughing, doable with the free webcam they'll throw in for us... Here's an idea. Replace that webcam with a shotgun, and send me a picture of THAT.
Benoit makes his way to the ring (10:40) and then Orton does the same (10:41). Orton wants his arm-raising spots, so he gets them in as he casts a glare or two at Benoit during same. Time to start the match, right? Yep. (10:42) Benoit charges Orton with brawlies, then puts him in the Nearside Corner for Choppy-Woo. Benoit with an Irish Whip, clotheslines Orton. Orton then put in a Snap Suplex, and Benoit tops it off with an Elbow Drop. Benoit yanks Orton up and dumps him back down with a Delayed Backdrop Suplex, followed by a fusillade of punches and chops. Orton tosses Benoit out of the ring to get some breathing room, but Benoit leaps back in and clotheslines Orton down.
Benoit with another clothesline. Orton staggers to the nearside corner, and Benoit punches him a bunch in the lower back, then hits a Fisherman's Suplex. Orton finally gets in offense, with a thumb to the eye. Benoit unfazed, puts Orton in a Backslide. Gets two. Orton in the Farside corner, and Benoit works him over with a bunch of chops, then sets him on the top buckle for a Superplex. Orton's selling like he's dead as Benoit turns him over for the pin. Gets two.
Orton hangs onto Benoit's foot to buy time, but Benoit decks him and then puts him in a Northern Lights Suplex. Gets two. Benoit with some Choppy-Woo, then an Irish Whip to take Orton down with a Cross Chop. Benoit tries for the Sharpshooter, but Orton kicks loose. Benoit tries again, but this time Orton dives out of the ring. Benoit makes to hit the Baseball Slide, but Orton sidesteps. Benoit puts on the breaks as Randy smirks, sure that Benoit destroyed himself, but Benoit's on the apron and hits the New Champ with a Missile Dropkick, follows with a couple chops and then a Kneecrusher drapes across the steel steps (VICIOUS looking spot, kids). Orton's flopping like a fish on the floor holding his knee as we go to...
We're back as Orton is now in the Sharpshooter (10:52). Orton tries to push up, and Benoit sits in REALLY deep. Orton tries for the ropes, and finally gets it (10:53). Orton looks in bad shape as Benoit hauls him up and then decks him back down. Benoit on the apron and tries to Suplex Orton out of the ring, but Orton blocks it and then hits Benoit with the Standing Dropkick. Benoit ricochets off the barrier, but Orton's unable to capitalize because of the Sharpshooter. Orton finally gets up, and then goes outside and Irish Whips Benoit into the ringpost. Benoit rolls back into the ring and Orton rolls in after - and then on top of him - gets two.
Orton hits a kneedrop, followed by a Lateral Press. Gets two. Orton with a Head Wrench, then a Legdrop across his neck, which Orton uses to choke the Wolverine a bit. Breaks the hold at three and then puts Benoit in a Reverse Chinlock. Benoit and he do a two-man Curly Shuffle (Cute, that) and then Orton continues to wrench the resthold. Benoit fades, so the referee checks his arm... One drop. Two drop. No third.
Benoit gets up and elbows free, but Orton forearms across the back of his neck, then Gutwrenches Benoit up into a Canadian Backbreaker, which Orton then turns into a Neckbreaker somehow. Then... Orton back with the Reverse Chinlock.
Benoit manages to get to his feet, but Orton dumps him back down with another neckbreaker. Both men down, and the ten-count begins. Both back up by eight and they go toe-to-toe. Benoit hits a Kitchen Sink Kneelift, but Orton answers back with that Hangman's Backbreaker. Orton goes to the top and tries a Crossbody, but Benoit dodges. Benoit hits the old Gourdbuster, then the Diving Headbutt. Gets two.
Benoit hauls Orton up in a Waistlock, and then hits the Triple German - which he chains to the Crossface. Randy desperately trying to get to the ropes with a few rollthroughs, but Benoit hangs on throughout. Evolution comes to the rescue, but Benoit punches them off as they hit the apron. It's long enough a distraction for Orton to get in the RKO for the win. HHH and Flair help Orton up as Dave head-plants Benoit across the steel steps. Evolution is happy they win. A nice match, indeed, but the screwy endings are wearing thin.
Dave picks Orton up on his shoulders as Evolution continues to celebrate... Triple H gives Orton the thumbs up - and then turns it to a thumb's down. Dave takes the signal, and - to Orton's surprise - hits a fallaway Electric Chair Drop. HHH punches all on Orton's grill, and then - as Flair and Dave hold him, HHH slaps him around some. They pick Orton up and HHH flattens Randy with a beltshot. Orton's busted open as HHHH puts the belt onto himself, then punches up Orton some more. Dave tells Orton 'You are NOTHING without US. NOTHING.' Dave hits the Sitout Powerbomb on Orton, and Flair gets in a few kicks. HHH picks Orton up for a Pedigree, and then plants him. HHH shakes the belt under Orton's bloody face and screams a bit before holding up the belt himself... Fade to black.
Well, guys, I didn't expect much. But what I -did- expect happened JUST LIKE I FUCKING SAID IT WOULD!
You're Welcome. See you SOON.