Hello, my intended...

Well, I'm bracing myself for what's probably gonna be the most Shill-Tastic Show Since They Invented Infomercials. Yep, Summerslam is just around the corner, and they've got this show and Smackdown to somehow convince you to drop some coin on it. If you've been reading me lately, you know that's a vain hope where I'm concerned. Sure, they've improved the Raw drastically and many of the Raw matches should be interesting enough - hell, even a few of the Smackdown matches should be nice. Well, except for Undertaker versus Bradshaw, but nobody's expecting anything but a squash or a screwjob.

My money's on screwjob, since they could probably drag this 'I ain't scared of the Undertaker' bullshit out at least another month or so. They shouldn't, but they sure as hell could... They are probably deluded enough to think that the Undertaker as the SDC (Smackdown Champ, for the slow class) will bring the fans (that left during the lackluster Eddy/Bradshaw feud and the boring as dry toast Bradshaw reign) running back. Why not? The formula is 'when in doubt, use one of the old guys', and always has been. Okau, I'll tell you why not... They thought the 'Return of the Old Undertaker' was gonna do that. It did not. Don't even get me started on Orlando Jones stealing Virgil's gimmick last week...

Speaking of stealing gimmicks... If one caught Smackdown (I said I would, remember?) last Thursday, then you've become aware of the re-emergence of John Heidenreich. I suppose they expect all of us to forget the big goof was a walking cock-joke on Raw a couple months back and suddenly accept him as Brock v2.0? Or Goldberg v3.0? Or Ultimate Warrior v4.0...? Or.. Well, you get the idea...

Do they think we're goddamned GOLDFISH? How could we POSSIBLY forget the mind-numbingly-stale-in-under-three-seconds 'Little Johnny' crap de la crap? I will admit that if anyone can get it done it's Paul, but come ON...

Then again, maybe it's my own damn fault...? I did wonder aloud last week where they'd get a New Hoss to Push since they ones they had on Smackdown sucked the balls, but fucking Heidenreich? Sweet... Chin... JESUS... Say it with me now:

Thanks, Bobo... You DUMBASS.

That said, allow me to say that I really shouldn't have found it surprising that the Texans didn't boo Eric's picture last week... They've already proven that they've got a soft spot for sneering fucksticks that abuse their office. I'd have liked to get that dig in on the MNS, but I still have no idea who to send the jokes to for inclusion in same. Anyone? A little help?

Eric's picture is booed. Standard Raw Intro... Let the shill commence!

Explosions! Cleveland Ohio! Are you ready? We'll get the contract signing of the Kane/Hardy Wedding Match, and Edge vs. Jericho, and Benoit and Gene will face HHH and Orton... But before that, Diva Gets the Can!

Which one? Coach prepares to tell us, but Orton comes out to make this last a bit longer... Like there aren't enough people that hate him, or something? Orton asks to do the honors. Coach says it's cool. Orton tells us, "And the Loser is... CHANDRA." Orton talks shit as she gives out the last hugs and then chases her off. He mocks her all the way out, and then segues clumsily into how Benoit will also leave the ring a loser at Summerslam... Blah Blah Blah. Right now, you people are witnessing History. It's the last time Orton will be in a WWe without the World Championship around his waist... He also says history will repeat itself, and we go to the clip of Orton hitting the <s>Diamond Cutter</s> RKO on Benoit last week. Blah Blah Destiny. Pop quiz! What did you do when you were 24? Pay off the student loan? Finally get that new car? Finally move out of the parent's basement? Well for him, it's gonna be 'Become the youngest champ in history'. I think he's right, because they just CAN'T let Brock keep that record, considering...

Oh, Benoit comes out. The Divas have left somewhere along the line. So have a few of the crowd. Benoit calls him 'quite the mouthpiece' and says since Orton's showing footage, why not relive the time Benoit made him tap out? Orton denies it ever happened, so Benoit clamps him in the Crossface and makes him tap. Heh. Good job, guys. The crowd makes with the 'You Tapped Out' chant, and we replay the footage we just got.

Benoit is patting the belt at the top of the ramp as Orton seethes over his suddenly sore arm.

Commercials. Oh, goody. Another Jet Li 'wireflying' chop socky movie. I'm a Jackie Chan mark, myself. He's not big on the bullshit. Tuxedo? Never happened. Evil twin. Had to be.

Stacy is making her way to the ring with Nidia and Victoria in tow for a 6-Diva Tag match... (NNnnnoooooOOO!) They'll face Molly, Jazz and Gail Kim. Who else, right? Ross says that the ref will have his hands full with these six Divas for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Molly and Vic start with some nice Chain Wrestling, then Vic hits a deep arm-drag followed by a clothesline. Molly tags Gail. Vic puts Gail in a Full Arm-Drag and Twist, then tags Stacy. Stacy hits the Nash Choke and releases Kim at four. Kim tosses Stacy out the ring for Molly to work over on the floor. Stacy back in and Kim drags her around by the hair a bit before tagging in Jazz. Jazz with a Butterfly Suplex, it gets two. Tag to Molly. Jazz Irish Whips Stacy to the Nearside corner, and Molly rushes in to capitalize, but eats the boot. Stacy manages to kick herself out of trouble, and makes the tag to Nidia. Nidia with a series of clotheslines to clean house, then hits Jazz with a BIG Fallaway Flapjack. Molly gets involved and clocks Nidia as Jazz rolls out of the ring. Nidia counters Molly's offense with a Bridging Double Prawn Hold, and gets the win... The Babyface chicks celebrate, so Trish comes out to interrupt. Trish has a confab with the Heel Chicks, then starts to talk to Stacy. Stacy and Trish confab with the Face Chicks, and then Trish and the Heels scram-bug. The Face Chicks come out with them and they all leave together... Uh oh... Could be that they plan to have their OWN Diva Challenge...

Y'know, that might not suck... Ah, who the fuck am I kidding?

Replay of Regal coming out and pissing on HHH's parade, and the subsequent shitboxing of the match. Yeah, thanks for reminding me. I hate you, Vince.

Commercials. I don't know why, but I love this Dr.Angus Diet thing that Burger King is running. Pleez-ure. That's fucking funny, I don't care what you say.

Cut to the outside of some hotel as Regal is talking to Eugene. Gene is concerned about Regal, and says that he's worried about Regal but he's got to go to the arena for the match. Regal convinces him that it's best to wait until they need to go in order to avoid an Evolution Group Beatdown. Regal then says he's gonna have a lie down, and Eugene promptly sneaks out of the place...

Smackdown Rebound has Angle and Haas Highlights, plus the Spike Dudley Heel turn I was so irritated by last week. Then the Mini-Taker bit with JBL getting interrupted by the Undertaker. Then the Mini-Taker gets the Chokeslam...

And now, Lita... Oh, she's sitting all worried in the dark, so Matt comes in and makes sure she's ready. She says he might not wanna go through the contract signing. She then asks if he meant it when he said he'd marry her no matter who the daddy was? He's kinda worried what the fuck she's talking about, and apparently the paternity test (they can do that in utero now? I fucking doubt it.) shows that it's really Kane's baby... Hardy flips and storms out, leaving a sullen Lita in his wake.

Commercials.

The crowd is fidgeting as Ross calls Kane to the table for the signing of the dotted line. Kane's all happy. It'd be funnier if he brought cigars with him. Kane sits down laughing like Alice the Goon on Angel Dust.

Then Hardy comes out, and Kane stops laughing. For a second, then he sees Lita and starts back up. Hardy is simmering as he gets into the ring and Lita has a seat. Hardy doesn't. He's busy simmering. Ross explains the 'contract' and the details and does anyone care? Me neither. Lita signs first while Kane makes with the big grinnies at her. He pauses to scowl at Matt, and then he giddily signs the papers. Ross says it's Matt's turn, and Hardy looks ready to shit a cat. Kane talks some shit and giggles as Hardy picks up the pen. Then Hardy steps back. Ross asks if he's gonna sign or what. Hardy paces a bit, then signs. Kane calls Ross over and snatches the mic.

"Now everyone knows the truth, Matt... Looks like I'm more man than you'll ever be. HAHAHAH." Hardy winces, then laughs along a bit before flipping the table onto Kane and quickly crushes him with a chair while he's trying to get back up. Kane is flat out for a bit, then sits up and snarls at Matt's back as he and Lita hit the exit.

Commercials.

We're back and we go to Coach for the next Diva Challenge. This time they get 25 seconds to sell us an ice-cream cone.... No, I'm not kidding. I wish to God I was.

The first chick smears it on her tits... It doesn't get much better from there. WWe? Shit like this is why nobody likes you. Shit like this is why I want to get a goddamn high-powered rifle and make the next live show...

Coach tells us we'll get another look at these tedious bitches in bikinis later. Oh, GOODY. I can't fucking wait

Commercials. Some of the people hosting Spike TV's 52 Most Irresistable Women show will be a fucking puppet from Comedy Central's Crank Yankers, and Andy Dick. Maybe next commercial they'll show us a remotely HETERO host for this fucking trainwreck.

Attaboy, Fiendish... Never give up that last shred of hope. It's probably what makes you funny.

We're back and we have a replay of Edge and Jericho's little scuffle, which is lead-in enough for Edge to come to the ring... Once he gets there, Jericho makes his own entrance. Edge gives Chris the hairy eyeball as Y2J soaks up the pop. Non-Title Match, by the way...

They face off in the center of the ring for a quick jaw session, and then start circling. They lock up, and Edge is pushed into the nearside corner. Edge battles Jericho to the Heel corner. They resume circling. Edge with a waistlock. Jericho counters with a Hammerlock. Edge hits an Elbow, then takes Jericho down with a Drop Toe. Edge tries a Floatover, but Jericho counters back into the Hammerlock. Edge and he struggle back to the vertical base, and Edge hits a punch to get loose. Jericho makes a couple hard Irish Whips to carom Edge off the buckles. Edge bails to the Apron, but Jericho suplexes him back in and works on Edge's lower back with elbow drops, which he follows up with a Sidewalk Slam. Gets two.

Jericho working a surfboard now, Edge turns into it to free himself, so Jericho lets go and makes with the Choppy-Woo. Edge battles back with the Mounted Punches in the corner. Jericho takes a few, then dumps Edge to the mat. Scoop Slam on Edge from Y2J, which he tries to follow up with a Splash. Edge gets the knees up, so Jericho is sucking wind. Edge with a bunch of clubbing shots leaves Jericho in a bad way.

Edge moves in to capitalize, but Jericho backs him up with an Uppercut. Edge continues with a few shoulderblocks into Jericho's lower back. Edge tries a couple pinfall attempts, gets twos. Jericho gives him a thumb to the eye, and then hits a running forearm on Edge to lay him down a bit so he can regroup. Edge finally gets up, so Jericho tries that Springboard Dropkick spot, but Edge dives out of the way and Jericho falls to the floor. Y2J tries to get back into the ring, but Edge hits him with spear and knocks him across the barrier...

Commercials.

We're back, and Edge has Jericho in a Chinlock. Jericho digs deep and gets loose with a few elbows. They're brawling a bit, so Jericho goes to the ropes for momentum, and Edge counters with a Kitchen Sink Kneelift. Y2J is down, so Edge climbs to the top and tries something, but Jericho dropkicks him in the face in midair. (NICE!) Jericho favoring his elbow as Edge and he go to brawlies. Y2J with the Leg Lariat, which he follows up with a Dropkick to the back of his Edgehead. Jericho with the Bossman Rush. Jericho tries a Facebuster, but Edge counters with a Giant Boot. Gets two for Edge. Y2J back on the offense real quick with a clothesline, and then as Edge tries to get up Jericho charges - into another Giant Boot.

Edge goes for the Walls of Jericho, but settles for a Catapult that bounces Jericho off the buckles. Edge drops him down and goes for the pin, gets two. Edge with the Irish Whip, but Jericho hangs on and Edge dropkicks air. Jericho hits the Lionsault. Edge back up, readying the Spear. Y2J bails outside, so Edge hits him with a Baseball Slide that ricochets Jericho off the barrier again. Jericho tossed back in, and Edge goes for the top buckles again. Y2J meets him up there and they're brawling on the top. Jericho tries for a Superplex, but Edge hangs on and then shoves Y2J off. Edge hits a Missile Dropkick. Two and a Half. Edge frustrated.

Edge goes for the DDT, but Jericho counters with a Double-Leg Pickup. Jericho goes for the Walls, but Edge counters with a Small Package. Gets two. Jericho hits Edge with a shoulderblock, and gets two for himself. Edge dodges Jericho's second attempt and sends him into the corner for a Spear attempt. Jericho dodges it and Edge eats the post. Jericho with the pin, he's using the ropes. Jericho gets the win.

Batista comes out of nowhere and hits a few Spinebusters as Jericho leaves his buddy Edge for dead. Edge struggles to his feet, and Dave clobbers him with that running clothesline that puts his lights out. Dave tries on the IC belt for size, then marches out all... boring.

Eugene is in the building... He's walking around looking pretty overwrought, so I dunno what the hell is going on. Time for a rundown of the Summerslam Card!

Commercials. Yes, more of them.

Eugene now making his way to the ring... Already? It's just 10:24... He's calling out HHH. The crowd is surly, so Gene asks for a microphone. Yeah, that'll perk 'em up. Gene says HHH hurt his friend and he wants him to come out NOW. Eugene is talking to him from the Hotel, and he tells Gene to stop and listen. He tells Gene is mad at the wrong guy. He shouldn't be mad at HHH. He should be mad at himself. Trips tried to tell him he didn't belong, but he didn't listen. That's why Gene came back and cost him HIS Belt... Did Gene possibly think HHH was gonna just let that go? HHH sent Gene a message through Regal last week, and he STILL didn't listen. Is HHH not being clear, or is Eugene just being stupid?

HHH's money is on Gene being stupid, since he's standing there in the ring yelling for him - while he's at Gene's Hotel Room. HHH informs him that 'What Happened Here? Is also Gene's Fault...' He then picks up a bound and bloody Regal and works him over some more... HHH then promises to put Gene out of his business at SummerSlam FOR GOOD, and punctuates it by another overhand right on Regal's helpless form. Gene runs out of the ring crying, possibly in a desperate attempt to save Regal...

Commercials. Including another attempt to get Flair's book sold... I think everyone's bought that that's ever gonna, kids.

Lillian Garcia is in the ring, and it's gonna be A Two Minute Tag Team Challenge. Should Rhyno and Tajiri win in under two minutes against a couple jobbers, they'll get a title shot at the Tag Champs. Tajiri to start against Random Jobber 1. Tajiri working him over with a bunch of kicks. Seems his name is Albright... Rhyno tagged in, and so is Chris Cage. Rhyno with a Powerslam, then bonks Cage off the buckles and hits a Spinebuster. Fifteen seconds left as Rhyno hits the GORE, and La Resistance jump onto the apron. The ref tries to eject them, and that'll kill the clock. Sigh. Next up, Diva Hopefuls in Bikinis. But first...

Commercials. Am I the only one that's revulsed by a fat little goblin having a goddamn orgasm eating a fucking Snickers at a massage parlor? I hope not, or Society is DOOMED. Worse than usual, even.

The Diva Hopefuls are shaking their moneymakers in the ring as Coach tells us what numbers to call... Coach finishes up as Trish's music hits to interrupt this. She's got all the other Divas with her as they march to the ring. The Hopefuls cluster up in the opposite corner.

Seems Trish had an idea she bounced off the Bischoff, and at Summerslam the seven WWe Divas there gathered will set aside their differences to face the Diva Contestants at DIVA DODGEBALL.

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I wonder how many buys THIS fucking cost them...?

Oh well, we cut to Taz and Cole to shill the Summerslam and give us the rundown on the Smackdown side of things. Sigh.

From there we have Ross and Lawler give us the Raw side again...

From there, Flair asks HHH if he thinks Gene got the message. HHH is sure at least REGAL did, and then he and Orton make their way to the ring so that Benoit will get his part of tonight's festivities...

Commercials. (10:50) Subway co-opting the old Sesame Street 'One of these things is not like the others' bit... It's sadder than you think.

We're back (10:53) as Evolution makes their way to the ring with Flair in tow. Trips does the spit-take and Orton does the posing... Benoit's Intro begins (10:55) and he makes his way to the ring whilst HHH and Orton stare daggers at him. Lillian starts to introduce Benoit's partner, but Benoit takes the stick and says that Eugene went back to the hotel like Trips planned, but he's still willing to fight these two alone. Ring the damn bell.

Benoit goes apeshit and knocks Orton all out of the ring. HHH eats the Triple German. Benoit signals the end. Orton back onto the apron, but Benoit knocks him to the floor. Flair interjects, and Benoit headbutts him flat. HHH catches Benoit on the corner and drags him down. Tag to Orton. Orton hits a couple brawlies topped off with a Standing Dropkick. Tag to HHH, who stomps Benoit to the mat. Benoit tries to fight free, but Trips droptoes him as Orton comes in and hits a few European Uppercuts, then strangles on Benoit. A few more brawlies followed by the Super Irish Whip. Benoit down. Tag to HHH. HHH with a Vertical Delay Suplex, which he follows up with a Kneedrop. Gets a twocount.

Triple H tosses Benoit into the Heel corner. Benoit desperately fighting his way free, but they got the numbers on him. Orton's in now and he takes Benoit over with a Snapmare, followed by a Reverse Chinlock. Benoit digging deep, trying to get loose. Benoit wraps his hands around Orton's head and bends him, so Orton lets go and resorts to the brawlies again. Tag to HHH, but Orton gets in a couple quick stomps. HHH and Benoit go toe-to-toe. Benoit gets a Spinebuster. HHH covers, gets a twocount. Triple H tosses Benoit out of the ring so Flair can work him over a little. Flair does, topping it off with a Low Blow. Benoit rolled back in and HHH covers. Another twocount. Tag to Orton.

Orton with a couple more Euro-Uppers, then he tries a Back Body Drop but Benoit counters with an Inside Cradle. Gets two. Orton punches Benoit down and goes to the top, but Benoit crotches him on the buckles. HHH in, and Benoit doles out the German, then shoves HHH headfirst into Orton's crotch. Orton in trouble, so Benoit hits a Superplex on him. HHH tries to help, and Benoit give him a Backdrop Suplex. HHH tries for the Pedigree, but Benoit Back Body Drops to counter - dumping HHH out of the ring. Orton makes a desperate attack, but is quickly put into a Sharpshooter. Flair runs in to make the save with a kick to Benoit, and that'll cue the DQ. HHH takes the opportunity to dish up that Pedigree, and then he goes and gets a chair.

Eugene charges down the ramp and singlehandedly beats Evolution's ass. Triple H bails as Orton gets a Stunner, and we fade to black...

Um, that was pretty fucking pointless, there. Still, it probably got a few buys. From who I couldn't guess, but there's the recap for ya, folks...

You're welcome. See you SOON.