Hello, my intended...
Well, I'm in for a hell of an easy night with the whole Ironman deal for the back half of the show. Sadly, this is the sort of thing they could pop a buyrate with, so I'm puzzled as to why they'd 'give for free what they could sell instead'. Nevermind their usual dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers straight-into-the-iceberg running of the place.
I think we're in for a working tonight, kids... I could be wrong, but since Raw's ratings are pretty good, why do this? Football hasn't started yet, has it? Ergo, I think we - the fans - are in for a shut-off-the-set-in-disgust level of shenanigans the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Casket of Love. How could they pull this off...? Hmmm...
Either it'll be some shitboxed 'Unable to compete' duckout on HHH's part - something totally bullshit like a hangnail, possibly. Or they'd give Benoit the bye due to the ferocious skull-kicking he got from Dave last week. In short, after all this hype, I'm still not sold that they won't go the 'Let's Fuck the Fans Again' route... Why? Because I've been paying attention. You should try it.
Personally, I'm hoping that they have ol' Gene come running in to put the hurt on HHH for all that mean stuff he said last week, which would of course let him 'lose strong' and give us fodder for another few twenty minute long cry-in-the-beer sessions from the Triple H. Yeah, everybody loves those. It'd make Eugene the toast of the marks, to boot.
Think of it... The Cerebral Assassin getting thwarted by - as Regal so quaintly put it - 'a Bloody Window Licker'. REPEATEDLY. Fuck, that's actually goddamn brilliant! I'd mark out like a twelve year-old over that shit. Seriously.
So would you. Admit it.
Oh well, let's see what happens...
Eric's picture is booed, and from there we go right two the ten chicks from the Diva Search to see who gets the axe... Coach paves around a bit to kill time before he tells us it's Julia the twin. She walks off sniffling.
Coach gives them the opportunity to verbally seduce a former WWe Superstar, somewhere... Yeah, I can see where the other hour is heading already.
We go from there to a promo for the Ironman Match/Burdgeoning Rivalry twixt HHH and Benoit. Not bad. PPV quality promo montage, even.
Standard Raw Intro.
Tonight's Raw comes at us from Pittsburg, and if the Steel Town fans already didn't have enough to be sad about, they send out Edge... Ah, it's a ton of people in the ring already, so I guess it's another battle royal. Matt Hardy comes out next. Jericho comes out next to a largish pop. Kane follows to the ring behind him. Finally, the Evolution, sans HHH.
Bischoff comes out next, and tells us about the Ironman Challenge in case we forgot. It seems that whomever wins in the Ironman Match will face the winner of this Battle Royal at Summerslam.
Bedlam erupts. Batista Spinebusters Regal and then tosses him out with some help from Evolution.
Tomko beats on Rosey's blubbery back with forearms, but Jericho and Edge toss Tomko out to break it up.
Palumbo is tossed out, by whom I don't know. I didn't know Chuck still had a job, either... Sue me.
Orton hits an RKO on Edge. Flair hits Edge with a lowblow. Bedlam continues...
Yay. Easy night.
Commercials. They've made a bio-pic for Evel Kenievel... I lose just a bit of respect for my fellow man - and a lot of respect for whichever of them greenlighted this.
During commericals, Kane flung Val Venis out and was almost eliminated by Hardy - but Kane eliminated Hardy instead.
Hurricane is tossed out by Rodney Mack and Steven Richards. Rosey double clotheslines them out in revenge. Jericho tries a rush in, but is Back Body Dropped over the ropes. Jericho holds on, and pulls on the top rope as Edge charges Rosey. Rosey's eliminated.
While I was typing that, La Resistance was eliminated. Both of them. Tajiri tried a Tarantula on someone, but Kane flings Tajiri out to break it up.
Kane smashes Maven. Maven fights back with a couple kicks. Flair goes to the top, and Edge flings him to the center of the ring to show how smart he isn't. Jericho tops that by putting someone in the Walls. Maven, I think... Evolution hanging back in a cluster.
Edge Spears Kane. Kane sits up. Kane grabs Edge by the neck...
During the commercials, nothing much happens... Evolution is working Kane over... Rhyno is beating up Maven.
Flair goes for a Choppy-Woo on Kane. It doesn't work. Flair is Chokeslammed. Batista comes to the rescue and he and Kane brawl. Kane gets a Spinebuster. Batista gets a GORE from Rhyno.
Maven eliminates Flair. Rhyno GOREs Maven. Batista tosses Rhyno out. Maven and Orton brawl, and Orton is almost eliminated. He tries to Suplex Maven from the apron, and eliminates him. Edge and Jericho team eliminate Batista, then Jericho eliminates Edge. Edge's feelings are hurt, and Orton and Y2J are all that's left... They size each other up and circle slowly.
They lock up and go to brawlies. Orton with a sloppy Spinebuster on Y2J, then tries to Catapult him outside. He fails. Y2J has Orton on his shoulders and tries to toss him out. He fails. Orton tries to eliminate Jericho a couple times, fails every one of them. Jericho drags Orton onto the apron with him. Orton is teetering, but manages to save himself. Jericho with some punching, and they both start brawling on the apron. Orton with a kick and a European Uppercut. Jericho still not out. Orton rolls back in and tries an RKO on Jericho as Jericho is in the middle of doing the same. Jericho STILL hangs on, but is finally knocked loose by an Orton Boot to the Head...
I would just LOVE it if they do what I suggested the other week... If Orton wins the title from Benoit and then refuses to drop it to HHH, I'll be a goddamn prophet.
Up next, the chicks try the Verbal Seduction thing... But first:
Commercials. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I really hope Big Van Vader is waiting to beat the hell out of them when they get there... Seriously. RD Reynolds would piss himself, and that's never a bad thing.
First chick to try, Michelle... She gets 20 seconds to seduce Kamala. Teh Ghey. She fails.
Christie tries next. She gets... Kamala also. She asks how a Body Slam works... Kamala... Buddy...? Did you need the money THAT bad?
Next chick calls him gorgeous and says he's got soft hands... (Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night).
Next chick asks him if he knows what it means to verbally seduce someone. She then confuses him by patting her own belly.
Next chick goes the Eddie Murphy Klumps rule, calling him Herka-Leeze. She almost does it... Nope.
Next chick is Carmella, and she's scared as shit... Kamala pops out from the curtain, and she's flabbergasted. She can't even speak for laughing.
Next chick screams when she sees Kamala, then goes into a weird dance... Kamala joins in. She fails.
The crowd cheers for the next one, Amy I think. She tries to dance with Kamala, too. She gets somewhere, just not anywhere good...
Last chick. She tries a hula, then gets him to let her slap his belly... I don't know which one wins, but you can guess who lost, can't you?
Smackdown Rebound shows Bradshaw remembering that he was Kane's Alcolyte bitch a couple years ago, but Kane reminds him really hard anyway... Then we got Angle coming out to make Eddy beg, then begging VKM instead and getting put on the active roster and forced to fight Eddy at Summerslam...
Flair book is shilled, including broadcasting the bits that pissed everyone off. It's called a New York Times best-seller, but they don't tell us what number. I'm guessing it's not at 'one' yet, huh? Never gonna get there, Naitch. Never. Someone had to tell ya, and it was ME. Go retire or hang yourself or something - only GO already.
Commercials. Including one for Jojo's Circus on the Disney Channel... Yeah, this is the audience you wanna reach out to for a PRESCHOOLER SHOW ON FUCKING DISNEY CHANNEL. DUMBASSES!
We're warned that it'll be ten more minutes until the Ironman Match, and then we cut to Ross and Lawler to re-explain it to us... We're reminded further that Stacy, Ivory, and Linda are at the Democratic National Convention, and then we go to a feed from the three of them AT said convention.
No, I'm not kidding. I wish to God I was.
Yabber Yabber Yabber Yabber. Ivory asks Stacy to share the 18-30 demographic's issues, because she's the only one IS under 30 that's available. Stacy recites the boilerplate on jobs, healthcare, and other serious stuff that nobody's listening to her say because they're much too busy thinking about those long legs wrapped around their waist.
Coach parades the Divas out to eat up some more time, and tells us who they are and which number you should dial to save them. Okay, I want all these chicks to fucking kill themselves already.
HHH approaches Orton in the back and says hi and congratulations... Orton wishes HHH luck and says it'll be an honor to face him for the title at Summerslam. HHH says he's the game and doesn't need luck, then he looks all scowlie at the kid and marches off.
I'm so happy they read me over at the Towers. Honest to God. See how great this is? You should, instead of reading these fucking recaps all the time. It's not gonna be good forever, so you shouldn't miss it while it is.
Commercials. Stacker2 helped some fat fuck lose enough weight to get into the Naval Reserves. Yeah, that'll move product.
Time to play the Game... He gets to the ring at 10:02, so I guess this one is spilling over, too.
Benoit out next. And we get the ref to explain how an Ironman match works, and in an event of a tie they'll go to a Sudden Death overtime. They put the clock up, and then ring the bell.
HHH and Benoit circle, and then lock up. They shove each other around, then go to a few bits of brawling. HHH getting in a punch, then backing off. Ross calls it 'HHH trying to get in Benoit's head' probably because he can't call it 'stalling' and keep his job. HHH continuing the punch, backpedal, repeat. Benoit finally gets in and puts HHH in a side headlock. HHH reverses to a Top Wristlock, then powers Benoit into a bridge. Benoit surges back up and tries for the Crossface. HHH bails outside to drag this out some...
HHH gets back in and Benoit puts him in a headlock again. HHH Irish whips him to free himself, but Benoit shoulderblocks him down. HHH back up and tries for the Pedigree. Fails. Benoit with a waistlock takedown, then flows into a reverse chinlock - then a side headlock. HHH goes for the Irish whip and is shoulderblocked down again. (54:47 to go, BTW). HHH goes out to the floor to catch his breath, then gets back in and hits Benoit with a kneelift to the belly, followed by tossing him over the top rope to the floor. HHH follows him out and they brawl some on the floor.
Benoit starts working on HHH's legs with gusto, hitting a couple kicks and a Dragon Screw. Benoit continues attacking HHH's leg, and we're reminded of the infamous Quadracep Injury - as well as Benoit was part of that match in some fashion.
HHH is looking to be limping now, but catches Benoit coming into him sitting in the corner with a DDT. Benoit is dazed, so HHH puts him in the corner for a couple punches followed by HHH using the ropes to step on his neck. Benoit battles back and tries for a Suplex. HHH counters and tries for the Pedigree. Benoit counters and tries for the Sharpshooter. HHH kicks him off, and Benoit tries for the Crossface again. HHH tries to surge to the ropes, but Benoit turns him into a Crucifix Pin and Benoit takes the first fall.
HHH is not happy about this, so we'll go to...
We're back, and HHH is languishing in a Reverse Chinlock. HHH tries to elbow free, so Benoit hits a Snap Suplex on him. Benoit working HHH's lower back with several forearm shots that he follows with a Backdrop Suplex. It gets him two. HHH is groggy as Benoit lays in some chops, then puts HHH in the Abdominal Stretch. HHH tries to counter. Fails. They get some boos from the fans for taking the pace down a notch, so HHH tosses Benoit over the top, accidentally ricocheting him off the apron. Benoit gets back in, and HHH Super Irish Whips the Champ into the farside corner chest first. Benoit is bleeding from the mouth as HHH tries it again. Benoit reverses, sending HHH to the nearside and following him in - but HHH gets the feet up so Benoit goes down.
HHH starts laying in some punches. Slowly. Benoit tries the Super Irish Whip, but HHH fucks it up and they look like idiots tripping all over each other. (Blown Spot of the Week, welcome back). Benoit flings HHH over the top, and then leaps out onto him with a Tope' Suicida. HHH fell too early, though, according to the slow motion replay - so Benoit caroms off the barrier.
HHH is on the floor as we see it's 36:47 to go. Seems He tried to Whip Benoit into the steel steps during the commercial, but was bounced into them himself instead.
Benoit using an inverted Indian Deathlock. HHH tries to get up, but Benoit CRUSHES him with a headbutt. HHH tries up again, but gets another HORRIBLY stiff headbutt. HHH goes to the eye-rake. Benoit punches him in response, then puts HHH in the Figure Four. Benoit screams 'TAP!' at HHH several times as HHH tries to turn the hold over. HHH succeeds, but Benoit has the ropes.
Benoit begins stomping on HHH, then mounts him in the corner and lays in some shots to the dome. HHH hotshots Benoit off the top buckle and tries the pin, but only gets two. HHH slowly to his feet and pulls Benoit up with him. HHH tries a Suplex, but Benoit flips behind him and Hunter soaks up the Triple German Suplex. Slow Neck Cut from the Wolverine, then he goes to the top for the Flying Headbutt. Nobody home. HHH launches Benoit into the corner chest-first, and then hits the Pedigree. HHH evens the score at 1-1.
Benoit rolls outside, and HHH tells the ref to start the countout. The ref complies, and gets to Seven before he gets back to the apron - so HHH kicks him back down. HHH goes outside and picks Benoit up in a Vertical Suplex, then he flings Benoit chest first across the Steel Steps. (UGLY spot, guys!) HHH takes a breather in the Heel Corner as the Referee counts Benoit out. HHH up 2-1. Benoit failed to get back in at the ninecount, and fell across the steps. HHH tells the ref to start counting again, but the ref doesn't immediately comply. HHH grabs the ref..
During the commercial, HHH hits a Suplex on the ramp to harm the Champ. Benoit makes with the Choppy-Woo, but HHH responds with the Super Irish Whip again to continue harming Benoit's sternum. HHH continues a slow, deliberate pace of brawl. Wait. Brawl. Super Irish Whip. Pinfall attempt from HHH, but only gets two. Second Super Irish Whip, but Benoit hits back first this time. HHH runs in, but eats a boot.
HHH goes to forearm shots on the lower back of Benoit. Benoit takes three or so before he hits a running Forearm Shiver on HHH. HHH responds with a Spinebuster, and that puts him up 3-1.
Commercials. The new N-Gage QD features four-player mode for the games nobody's buying. I guess that makes sense, since nobody's buying the new N-Gage either... See, for multiplayer to be a 'feature' more than one person should buy one of them. I don't think they're at two sales yet...
We're back, and after a bit of brawling HHH goes for the Pedigree. Benoit tries to counter with the Sharpshooter. HHH gets loose, then tries the Pedigree again. Benoit counters again with the Sharpshooter. HHH soaks it up a bit, then pushes up and tries to crawl to the ropes. Benoit drags him to the center of the ring and sits deep on him. HHH soaks it up some more, trying to get loose. Fails. Taps. HHH still up, only now it's 3-2 with 15:20 to go.
HHH bails to the outside and starts crawling away. The referee begins the count. HHH starts back and gets back in at Six. Benoit knocks him back out with a Baseball Slide, then follows him out for a bit of brawling. Benoit tosses him back in. HHH rolls back out on the opposite side. Benoit follows him and they brawl some more. HHH back in, Benoit right behind him. Benoit with an Irish Whip sends HHH to the corner. Benoit follows him in, and gets the boot to the head. HHH follows him as he staggers, and is yoinked into the Crossface.
HHH makes it to the ropes. Benoit breaks clean. HHH starts to get up, and is put in the Crossface again. HHH taps. Again. 3-3 with 11:43 left, and that'll bring Evolution down the ramp... It'll also bring...
We're back (10:56) and HHH tosses Benoit outside to Batista. They don't touch him, because a DQ is a loss that counts in the Ironman game. Benoit back up onto the apron and hits HHH coming in with some shoulderblocks to the belly. HHH staggers back and tangles with the ref long enough for Batista to carom Benoit headfirst into the ringpost. Benoit busted open with 6:50 to go. Batista tosses Benoit back in and HHH pins him, but only gets two.
Benoit tries to pull himself up with the ropes, and HHH lays in some brawlies. HHH with another Super Irish Whip. Benoit comes staggering out of the corner and ducks a clothesline from HHH. Triple German gets stopped at a double by a ref bump. Evolution tries to get in some free shots, and then HHH clobbers Benoit with a chair. HHH pins him, but no referee. Bischoff runs Hebner out there and HHH tries a series of pin attempts that don't get past two. HHH is frustrated and punches Hebner out of the ring.
Evolution starts working over Benoit. Eugene runs out and beats everyone's ass. Including Uncle Eric. Flair gets a Stunner. Orton gets a Rock Bottom. Batista gets dropkicked out of the ring. HHH tries a chairshot. Eugene ducks it. Eugene gets the chair, and then REALLY gives it to HHH. HHH is flat out in the center of the ring. Benoit crawls onto HHH. Gene picks the ref up like a sack of potatoes and tosses said ref back in. The ref manages to wake up with about 20 seconds left and Benoit gets the pin with 5 seconds to spare. Benoit takes it 4-3. I'm marking out, just like I said I would. Benoit realizes what's transpired and smiles at Gene. Gene's happy too. Bobo's happy three. HHH is unhappy once he comes to, but who gives a shit?
Gene is pointing at HHH from the top of the ramp looking all scowly. HHH scowls back, and drops a huge dollop of drool... Fade to black.
Bravo, gents. A splendid effort to pull a pretty fusterclucked show out of the crapper on the back half that was mostly successful. Well done, kids. Three in a row! A winning streak might be underway on Raw! I suggest you stop missing it.
You're welcome. See you SOON.