Hello, my intended...
Usually, I like to open these little recaps with some meandering insights to get a few of your little braincells firing. However, after sheetrocking an entire kitchen and a dining room ceiling in 85 degree weather, I'm just not fucking up to it tonight. Deal with it. I've opted instead to try and rest up from my day's labor in the few hours between now and the airing of the Raw, which I will Recap. I might toss out something later in the week, since most of the 'grunt work' is done, and the next few days should be a trifle easier on me physically...
No promises, though.
Tonight's Raw is from Washington D.C... According to the ten minutes of Star Trek To Go blurb, Edge and Orton will battle for the IC strap, and we'll have ten of the Raw Diva Hopefuls prancing about, one of which we'll be 'voting off' ourselves. If anything, this might be an easy show to deal with. This pleases me...
Eric's picture is booed.
We cut into a replay of the events leading up to Eugene's vicious turfing last week from Evolution and leaving him in a bloody heap.
We seem to be skipping the standard Raw intro to leap straight into HHH coming to the ring to boast about his latest exploits and maybe garner some 'heel' heat instead of his usual 'please go away' heat... Good luck, Beaker.
The crowd doesn't pop one way or the next, in fact they're pretty silent. HHH hangs there a bit, and then finally start booing a bit to signal him to talk. He explains that while he's done a lot of low things, last week was probably even 'below him', and so doing made him feel horrible, sick, and pain from the guilt of it all. He started to think that maybe he was feeling so bad because of what he did, but as that realization dawned on him - he farted. And once that was out of his system, he felt great.
HHH calls on Eugene to get close to the TV from home, in order to hear this important message: "I hate you. I was never your friend. I don't like you. Evolution doesn't like you. You were never part of Evolution. Evolution hates you. I hate you. Everybody... EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY hates you." The fans boo HHH, but he says that they're really booing Gene because they hate him for being an embarrassment. Even his mom hates him and is ashamed of him... HHH exclaims that he did the world a favor last week, since Gene had no business being in the WWe, no business trying to be a superstar, and no business trying to be normal. Gene - and us - are treated to footage of Benoit and Regal after the turfing, and they pretty much called for help and look really sad.
HHH wonders if he 'saw that right', regarding seeing Regal and Benoit crying. He then pitches the 'no crying in wrestling' paraphrase, and calls it overall pathetic. Eric comes out and agrees with him, and further he's spoken with his sister and is assured that Eugene is gone forever, all thanks to HHH. Eric wants to reward HHH, and will do so with a match in Pittsburg next week, in an Ironman Match for the title. He then gives HHH the night off so he can rest up for it, but of course puts Benoit against Batista. HHH is happy, and vows to beat on Benoit the whole sixty minutes. The crowd reminds him how he tapped out. He responds that after the sixty minutes, he's walking out with his championship.
Regal comes out and asks if they're proud of themselves for what they did. He muses whether he's pathetic, like they said, and notes he's not afraid to shed a tear - or afraid of HHH. Regal tells Gene to watch close, because this is for him. He then beats HHH up and down the arena while Eric desperately calls for security. Regal shrugs them off and continues the fine thrashing a bit longer before being overwhelmed and dragged off, leaving HHH stretched out in his wake.
Well done. Hat's off to Regal.
Commercials. Among them one for TNA Impact, midnights on Saturday on Comcast Sportsnet.
We're back with La Resistance waving the Quebec flag a bit, but they'll be in a singles match. They talk some shit since they're in the capital of the US of A, and then light into the French Version of the Canadian Anthem. It is interrupted by Tajiri, escorted by Rhyno. Grenier is the guy he'll be fighting, but first he leads the crowd in a chant of 'USA' for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night.
They do some highspots, sprinkled liberally with kicks. Conway manages to distract the ref so Sylvan can get in a cheapshot, which he follows with a kneedrop, then some shoulderblocks to the belly of Tajiri, capped with a Dropkick. It gets a twocount. Grenier hits a backbreaker, which he chains into a chinlock. Ross calls Grenier 'Conway', which makes me smile. Grenier goes for a Back Body Drop, but is kicked in the head a couple times. Twocount for Tajiri. Grenier tries a schoolboy with a handful of tights, but only gets two. Conway leaps to the apron as Tajiri puts Grenier in the Tarantula, then hops off. Rhyno makes to come in, which further distracts the ref so Conway can run around to smash Tajiri in the skimmer. Grenier takes Tajiri down in an Inverted Powerbomb, then rolls him into a Double Prawn and hangs onto the tights again for the win.
And now, the Highlight Reel... Jericho will be bringing down the Ten Finalist Divas for us to crank over, if so inclined. They march in single file to the ring, and the crowd claps politely, with some whistling and catcalls thrown in for color. They're dancing around a bit, which draws Nitro Girl references from everyone... Well, from me, anyway.
Jericho tells us from 10pm Eastern to 4am Eastern they'll be taking the votes, and the lowest vote getter gets the curb. Jericho has them introduce themselves - and some of them get booed, especially the chick from Texas. Heh. Tough crowd in D.C. huh? I wonder how this bit would fly in Philly... Probably a rousing 'Show Your Tits' chant, and flung beers...
Jericho warns us that since 'anything can happen' in the WWe, he'll have them search Eric's office for 'The Immunity Envelope', which will make certain that whomever finds it - votes be damned - will not be eliminated. Jericho leads them over the barrier and through the crowd to Eric's Office they go... Invade his space and tear the place to bits which they will strew-Oh!
They reach the office, and after Y2J checks to make sure Eric isn't in there, he turns them loose to find the envelope, egging them on the whole time. I've seen piranha with more self-restraint than these chicks right now... They're ever tearing open the couch cushions. It's funny, but it really goes on a bit too long... Oh, wait, Eric comes in and flips out.
The chicks try to explain that they were having a party, and Eugene said it was okay. Eric blows a fucking head-gasket and dresses down the chicks before demanding they tell him who put them up to it. They give Jericho up immediately. Eric threatens them some more and then kicks them out of the place. Not a bad performance from the Bisch, there... Rare form, even.
And now, Tyson Tomko comes to the ring with Trish... He'll be facing Hurricance, who is accompanied by Stacy. Why, I have no fucking clue... Maybe Rosie's sick?
Stacy does the slide into and out of the ring to a modest pop, then Hurricane comes into the ring and the two combatants circle each other. Tomko tries to get some coaching from Trish, so Helms gets in some brawlies. Tomko bails outside, and is mesmerized by Stacy bending over long enough to get hit with a baseball slide. Hurricane goes out and brings Tomko back in, but Tyson has shaken off the stun of seeing Stacy's ass thisclose, and tosses Helms across the ring to the corner. Helms with a dropkick. Tomko tries to get himself together, shoving Helms into the ropes. Trish tries to get in a cheap shot, but Helms shakes her around by the hair. He turns back to the ring, and Tomko kicks his skull in. Pinfall. Tomko wins. Trish attacks Stacy, then tosses her in so Tomko can press her for a bad bump, but it's broken up by Rosie, who now has his own costume. Rosie knocks Tomko out of the ring with a clothesline, and Tomko rolls end over end on the floor. We're told that Jericho will be facing Kane as a punishment from Eric as Stacy, Rosie and Helms celebrate Rosie 'saving the day'.
Commercials. Smackdown taping in Philly tomorrow, eh? Nah, fuck that bullshit.
We're back for some shilling of Flair's book, which is #5 on the charts. Lawler reads a bunch of the digs on Hart and Foley to us. Ross calls it a must-read, and then Benoit comes out - he's from Atlanta, GA tonight, by the way... Heh. That's not a total lie, at that. (WCW, remember?)
Next out is Batista, escorted by Flair. Ross says 'Batista doesn't need backup' which is pretty funny. Lawler calls Benoit a crybaby as they start off the match. Dave shoves Benoit into the farside corner, but Benoit slips out and hits a couple chops. Dave no-sells, then shoves Benoit down for a Kneedrop, followed by an Irish Whip to the Heel corner for a couple shoulderblocks. Dave tries another whip, but Benoit reverses and hits the Triple German, followed by a Dropkick to the legs of Dave. Dave with a Blatant Choke, and four more. Benoit with a double-leg pickup and tries for the Sharpshooter. Dave tosses him. Benoit right back at him, hitting a German Release Suplex. Dave goes outside to regroup, and Chris follows him out and bounces him off the ringpost, then for some reason tries for the Crossface on the floor. Dave flings Benoit away, into the ringpost.
They both get back into the ring, and Dave hits a few brawlies followed by a Vertical Suplex and another Blatant Choke, followed by some more brawlies. Benoit in a bad way, so Dave sits him in the nearside corner for some kneelifts and shoulderblocks. Benoit tries to fight out of the corner, but Dave Spinebusters him, then sits on him for some more brawlies... Dave sits Benoit crotchfirst on the top rope, then kicks him off. Benoit's leg is stuck in the ropes, so Dave goes outside and hits a bunch of running front lunge kicks on Benoit. The ref disqualifies Dave, and then they have a couple refs check on Benoit's well-being, but Dave chases them off and hits the Sitout Powerbomb on Benoit. Flair shakes Dave's hand at the good work he's done in preparation for next week's Ironman Match. Benoit is flat out and spread-eagled in the center of the ring as Dave and Flair walk off all happy.
We get a replay of Dave destroying Benoit, and Benoit being carried from the ring during the break.
Then we see Lita walking around in the back, and she stops to talk with Matt. Matt is pensive. Lita says that she'll give Matt all the time he needs to get himself together, and while she loves him to death she's gonna have this baby with or without him...
We have the geek talking to Orton, who is a bit bothered by Edge's lucky fluke win, and reminds us that Edge's first IC reign was over in a day, yet his lasted seven and a half months. He then shows us the Legends he's killed. Edge is there, and says while Orton's got a nice shirt, he's got something better to wear - the belt. He also asks how Randy feels about how his daddy made his living as Roddy Piper's personal bitch, then suggests that if ol' Cowboy Bob wore a condom instead of a cast, then they wouldn't even be having this conversation. He walks off to the ring, satisfied from the shocking verbal punking. Orton vows to make Edge his bitch in this match and get his belt back... But first:
Commercials. Hmm. A death angle on Joe Schmoe 2, eh? Sigh...
Next, after I get sick from the fact that Rush covered 'Summertime Blues' and it's the theme for Summerslam, we have Jericho come to the ring for his stern drubbing from the Big Red Machine. Kane then makes his way down the ramp with a deep scowlie on, then gets into the ring. Jericho gets in the early offense, but Kane shoves him into the nearside and then nails a couple bigboy shots. Jericho whipped to the farside and Kane follows him in, but eats Y2J's boot. Kane shakes it off and dumps Jericho in a Sidewalk Slam, which gets two. Jericho back up and hits a little Choppy-Woo, but Kane lariats him in the corner and then puts him in a chinlock, which he follows with a 'step on head'. Kane tossing Jericho to the nearside, but Jericho dives through the ropes to the apron, so Kane eats the buckles trying to capitalize. Jericho hits a Flying Reverse Elbow from the top, then tries for the Walls. Kane shrugs him off, but Kane drop-toed across the middle rope so Jericho can hit the Bossman Rush. Kane dodges a Lionsault, but Jericho lands on his feet. Kane tosses him outside, then goes after him. Jericho ricochets Kane off the post a couple times, then hits him with a Running Enzuigiiri. Kane is counted out.
Eric comes out and tells Jericho he hasn't won after all, because he's made this a No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Match and orders them to restart. Kane smiles at the second chance he's been given. Things will get going after some...
Commercials. You know, if they spent as much money on 'getting it to not suck' as they did on commercials, maybe the N-Gage would get somewhere... Ah, who the fuck am I kidding?
We're back, and Kane is slapping Jericho to the mat. Kane with an Irish Whip, but Y2J hangs onto the ropes. Kane comes in to do some damage, but Jericho tosses him outside, then hits a Crossbody from the top buckle to the floor. Jericho covers, and it gets two. Kane tosses Jericho into the barrier, then pins him. That gets two. Kane tosses Jericho into the crowd and brawls him through the stands, then drags him away by the hair and dumps him on the concrete. Pinfall attempt by Kane gets two. Kane continues softening Jericho up with some brawlies as he drags him to the arena's hockey wall and tosses him against it. Kane walks around a second, then moves in on Jericho, but Jericho drop-toes him into the wall and then hits him with a camera crane (no, really). Jericho covers, but Dave Batista breaks it up and bonks Jericho against the wall, then clotheslines him inside out. Kane crawls over and pins Chris, and that'll take it home... Dave stands over the fallen Jericho and flexes.
Commercials. My screen goes gray in mid-shill, which worries me, but they right it and replay the Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle commercial that stalled out on me. Yeah, thanks. I really wanted to see THAT one...
We're back, and we'll have that Orton and Edge match soon, but first we'll have the troops from a Vet Hospital get shown off from their free seats, and we're warned that WWe will send some folks to the DNC. Then we have some more shilling for the Diva Search. T&A ensues, with special judges Orton, Edge, Jericho and Triple H. Yeah, that's great. Thanks for that.
Oh, and now they bring the chicks back out - in bikinis this time - for us to get another look. Coach instructs them to spin around slowly, so we can get a 'good, long, hard look'. Then we're shown the numbers to call, if so inclined.
Smackdown Rebound up next, and we see Angle screwing Eddy out of the strap. Top of the cage Frogsplash was nice, though... Welcome back, Kurt. Hope you can save the show... (Must... Not... LAUGH...)
Commercials. Hey, Metallica almost broke up putting out their latest album, and you can witness this earth-shaking docu-drama in the movie house of your choice... (Cough)Fuckingwhores(Cough)
Now we're back (10:49) as Orton makes his way to the ring... The IC belt match as the Main, eh? Interesting. Edge comes out next (10:50), and he's from Toronto this week. Heh. Edge bounces around a bit, then gets quickly to the ring (10:51) and we start things off. They lock up, and Randy clamps on a headlock before taking Edge down with a Tiger Spin. Both of them up quick, and they lock up again. Edge with a Waistlock Takedown. Both up again, and they dropkick at the same time. Nothing happens, so they get back up and Edge goes for an Armwringer. Randy counters with a couple shots in the corner, but Edge whiplashes Orton's arm across the ropes as he dives outside, then gets back in and hits a couple measured punches on Randy, then grinds Orton's arm some in the ropes. Orton in trouble, so Edge works an Armsnapper. Orton tosses Edge throatfirst into the ropes, then hits the Hangman's Backbreaker. Edge bails outside, so Randy goes after him and dumps him in a Pendulum Backbreaker across the barrier. Edge is seeing stars, and we go to...
Commercials. (10:55) Not a bad match so far, and the barrier spot was pretty ugly looking... Nice work from the young lions.
We're back (10:58) and Orton is working the old Head Wrench. Edge manages to get up, but Randy punches him back down and then hits the old Zeus NeckSnapper, which he follows up with a face-raking Reverse Chinlock. Edge looks pretty out of it as Orton bears down on him - changing the Chinlock to a Sleeper. The crowd gets behind Edge, and he gets loose of the Sleeper. They both try for a Crossbody collide in midair. The ref is counting them both for the ten, and they manage to get up at eight for some weary brawlies on each other. Edge goes to the ropes, but is hit with a forearm. Orton goes to the ropes, but is hit with a Giant Boot. Edge goes for the cover and gets two. Orton responds with a Dropkick, and that will get two. Orton goes to the top buckles as Edge shakily gets to his feet. Orton tries a Crossbody, but Edge dives to the side and Orton hits the mat like a dart. Edge with the Oklahoma Roll, and that gets two. Orton tries to gather himself on the apron, and Edge Spears him in the back - sending him flying into the barrier.
Orton manages to get back in, and Edge hits a Missile Dropkick on him. That gets two, also. Edge tries for the Spear. Orton leapfrogs. Edge puts on the brakes instead of hitting the post. He hits Orton with the Edge-cution, which gets two and then goes to the top for a Crossbody, but Orton dodges it and Edge hits the ref.
Edge prepares for a Spear, and hits Orton with it. Edge covers, but the ref is out cold. Orton with a thumb to the eye, a low blow, and then the RKO. The ref manages to wake up and see Orton cover, but Edge kicks out at two. Edge pulling himself up by the ropes, and Orton grabs him from behind. Edge elbows Orton away and hits another Spear. That gets another two for Edge. Edge picks Orton up, and Orton tries for the RKO, but Edge counters with a Backslide, and uses the ropes to get the pin. Nice work, fellas. Nice work. A lovely Main Event, to be sure. Ross says as nice as it was, it's gonna get some competition next week from HHH and Benoit. I'm actually looking forward to it.
Kids, this was a pretty decent show, with a couple pretty stellar performances from the roster - even the skits. Bravo, gentlemen. Keep up the good work, you've got a 2-show streak going, and I hope you make it three...
You're welcome. See you SOON.