Hello, my intended...
Well, folks, another PPV has come and gone, and nobody really cares... Honestly. I mean, what do they expect? We just had one LAST WEEK! Are there really enough rubes in Vince's world willing or able to pony up thirty-five bucks TWICE a month? I doubt it. I mean, maybe if they dropped the price to twenty, they'd get more buys...
Ah, who the fuck am I kidding, right?
Bottom line, forty bucks a month is a lot to ask of the average wrestling fan (as the Jarretts could readily attest), so where the hell does he think the youngsters would get SEVENTY? And what does he offer them for that seventy bucks a month he's looking for, really? If he seriously maintained the policy of having both brands get a PPV a month, what does EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY BUCKS A YEAR get nowadays?
Judging by these last two PPVs, I'd say not fucking much at all...
So let's go over the card of Vengeance...
Kane vs. Matt Hardy in a No-DQ match. Hardy wins because Lita got between Kane and stopped him from anihilliating Mattitude long enough for Matt to get his second wind and the upset win. (No pun intended) The moral of this story would be never to underestimate a man in love, but sadly the story's got, what, another SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS before a kid's supposed to pop out? Yeah, reminding you how much more of this we're in for IS kinda mean, at that... Oh well.
Victoria and Molly for the WC's #1 Contendership. Of course Victoria won. C'mon, Trish is a heel now. Pay attention.
Eugene and Flair face La Resistance for the Tag Titles, and lose. Flair will probably blame Eugene and use it to try and make a case to turf him from Evolution once and for all tonight... I'm pretty stunned they went through with this match since there's probably still a FEW more guys back there Rhyno could pair off with for the Canadian Job.
Batista beats Jericho. Now this would be understandable as a squash considering the monster-type character Dave's playing against a glorified Cruiserweight possessing myriad injuries like Y2J, but instead Dave wins with a screwjob. The referee didn't see Jericho's foot on the rope, allegedly because Dave's 'massive body blocked his view'.
Yeah, that was my reaction, too...
Edge defeats Randy Orton for the Intercontinental Championship. Orton's already proven he doesn't need that strap to be over, so it's acceptable that he passed it to Edge - who needs all the help he can get. Personally, I don't think this 'Ten Little Indians' plan Edge has for 'stopping Evolution' is gonna get much steam. Edge is as yet NOT the go-to guy for the white-hats, and I doubt he's ever going to be, either. Sure, he's likable enough, and his goo-goo-googly eyes bug out nicely to convey his 'intensity', but he's just not someone you can believe is able to defeat a whole crew by himself. Edge is a tag-team wrestler trying to play a Solo Hero, and it's simply not working. He hasn't been back long enough, and his sudden decision to 'do something' about Evolution is a bit strained, if not forced. Furthermore, Evolution is still not over enough to automatically make whomever 'stands up' to them be over, and considering all the time that it's been so far I can't see THAT changing either. Break it up, kids. Cut your losses already.
And finally, HHH fails to take back 'his' title from Benoit. Apparently, Eugene accidentally unleashed his Super-Retarded Strength of a Hundred Rain Men and put HHH to bed with a chairshot. Now that I think of it, this was the smartest thing they could have done. Eugene being with Evolution wasn't getting Evolution over as evil puppetmasters - it was making the fans dislike Eugene by association. Considering Eugene's about the most over Superstar they have, they simply HAVE to 'get him clear', and yesterday. I'm thinking Evolution uses these two critical failures to justify turfing Eugene, which would make Eugene sad (and maintain his fanbase with the sympathy vote) and maybe give the Evolution some much-needed heat (the bastards tossing poor Eugene for a couple little mistakes). Moreover, since HHH was beaten 'with help' again, he can probably get a rematch for next month easily.
If I were booking this, I'd have Orton beat Benoit for the strap after HHH failed a couple more times, in order to break either him or HHH away from Evolution. Maybe having HHH tell Orton to 'do the right thing' and make with the dive to give him back his title, and Orton deciding, 'Naaah' during the match? It'd be gold, since there's just too many heels on Raw as it stands.
Yes, another nice high-profile babyface would be just what the doctor ordered. Not that I think for one second that they'll do it, mind you. Fuck the fans. Vince "will tell you who to cheer and who to boo, and you'll do it because you're all marks."
I admit that has worked pretty well back in the day, but those days are gone. Long gone. Everybody knows it. Well, everybody NOT named McMahon, anyway...
Sooner or later he's gonna figure out that 'business as usual' is plain bad for business. I can only hope there's still a business when he does.
In the clip before the show, we're warned that Lita and Kane will be guests on Jericho's Highlight Reel and Ross and Lawler will be giving us the full updates on the Armageddon that I've already given you... Guess I'm in for an easy night full of clips, kvetching and assorted bullshit. This pleases me.
Standard RAW intro... Eric's picture is booed.
We launch straightaway into Evolution making plans to lay hands on Eugene the second he comes in the place. Everyone bitches about what they've lost and had to put up with from Gene, and HHH has them promise to make sure that HE is the one that gets Gene...
Then Gene comes in all unhappy and apologetic and explains he's sorry he messed up, but HHH tells him it's okay because 'friends are friends, and everyone makes mistakes'. Further, while he's not mad at Gene, Gene's Uncle Eric certainly IS, so HHH sends Eugene to face the music.
Orton wonders what the fuck happened to the massive beatdown they'd only JUST planned, but HHH assures Evolution once they've heard what Uncle Eric tells Gene, they'll understand.
Then we go to Ross and Lawler re-explaining what we're in for tonight, and then Edge comes out for a non-title match... He'll be facing Batista.
Hell if I know.
Dave comes out trying to present his scariness. Doesn't work. The crowd isn't even looking at him, much less cheering. We start the match with Edge and Dave circling, then Dave talks some shit and they lock up - and Dave shoves Edge to the mat. Edge back up and they go to the collar and elbow again, but Dave shoves Edge to the farside corner. They lock up again, and Edge puts Dave in a headlock. Dave picks him up and shoves him into the nearside corner to free himself. Edge goes to brawlies, but is levelled by a shoulder-block and takes some stomps from Dave.
Dave bounces Edge off the nearside buckles a bit, then works a couple shoulder-tackles to the belly and finally knocks Edge down with a right hook, then steps on his head some. Edge back up and hits a couple punches, then a Double Axehandle from the second buckle. Edge goes to the well again, but Dave kicks him in the belly on his way down and that gets two. Dave rolls outside and works over Edge's head and neck on the apron with clubbing forearms, then gets back in and whips him into the near corner. Dave charges in to capitalize, but Edge drop-toes him into the second buckle, then hits a flying shoulder block, and then knocks him out of the ring with a dropkick. Dave tries to get back in, but Edge shoulderblocks him off the apron... Randy Orton comes out, and we go to...
Commercials. They're actually not doing so bad with this match, but why bring out Orton for this? Why clue the fans there's gonna be a screwjob so soon? I'll tell you. Because they're DUMBASSES.
We're back, and Dave is working a surfboard hold. It seems Orton tripped Edge during the break and got ejected. Good. They're picking up on my telepathic signals... FINALLY.
Edge had also been bounced off the ringpost by Dave on the outside, which turned the tide. Edge finally gets loose and Dave charges him in the corner for a repeat of the drop-toe to the buckle spot. Dave takes umbrage and dumps Edge with a Sidewalk Slam, then a Vertical Suplex. Dave covers, but only gets two. He covers again. Same result. Dave puts Edge in the Camel Clutch. Edge soaks up the damage for a bit, then slowly crawls to the ropes. It doesn't work, so Edge tries to get up, but Dave sits on him impact-style a couple times, then scoops him up for the Powerslam, but Edge counters with the Edge-cution. Both men down and the count begins... The referee gets to eight and a half before they both get up and brawl toe-to-toe. Edge gets the upper hand and hits a couple flying forearms, then tries for the Impaler, but Dave shoves him off.
Edge kicks him, then tries again with success. It gets two, so Edge goes for the Spear. Dave dodges and Edge hits the Heel corner, then Dave takes the boots to him. Edge tries to crawl outside, but Dave catches him and tries to drag him in from the apron, but Edge hits a hot-shot on Dave and knocks him to the center of the ring. Edge goes to the top rope, but Dave intercepts. Edge fights Dave off and then hits the Missile Dropkick for two. Edge goes for the Spear again, but Dave catches him and tries for the Spinebuster, but Edge counters with a Small Package and a rope-grabbing pin. Edge wins it.
We cut to Eugene making the tiptoe to Uncle Eric's office, and then knocking really soft. Eric calls him in, and then Eugene asks if Eric is mad. Eric certainly is. Eugene flinches. He's mad as hell (Eugene flinches some more) that everyone's blaming Eugene about HHH's loss (Eugene does a double take - so does Bobo). He's not mad, in fact he couldn't be more proud. He even explains that he's happy with Gene's work last week, and Eugene's finally convinced him that he belongs in this business. So, since Eric can do whatever he likes, he's gonna make a Title Match tonight. Benoit will defend against... Eugene. For the strap, even.
Eugene is happy. Eric sneers as he's hugged by the happy Gene. I'm still wondering, "What the fuck is this shit?" So we go to...
We're back in New Hampshire, and Ross explains that Benoit will be facing Eugene in case we just got there... But first, Lawler will be shilling the Diva Search casting Special, and explains that three of the hopefuls are there tonight, and Jerry will be bringing them out so he can drool on them. Poor girls, I hope they've had their Hepatitis innoculations. Oh, the first one he brings out will be some chick that was in the 'Dodgeball' movie as a random cheerleading slutter, and she'll even be playing football in lingerie sometime soon... She then shows us she can touch her nose with her tongue. Candance Michelle, ladies and gents. Clap already.
Then we go to the geek, who will interview Flair on his book, but first would like to ask what Flair thinks of Gene's title shot. Flair deadpans that he and Evolution wishes Gene nothing but the best of luck tonight. Then he talks about the book Madden wrote for him, and then he bitches about Eugene. Then Hurricane shows up and asks Flair to sign his copy of Flair's book, but Flair outs his secret identity and tells him that while he's a legend, Helms is a joke. Helms says he makes people happy, and that's fine with him. It's not fine with Flair, and he tells Helms that he should be thinking more about his career, and fuck the fans. Fuck his autograph, too.
Hurricane tells him he's not too tore up about it, since while the book was good - it wasn't as good as Rock's book, or Hulk's book, or CHYNA's book... And for all the pride Flair's got in it, it's not Number One like FOLEY'S book was. Flair punches Helms out and tells him he's gonna take the Hurricane to school and 'show him things that aren't in the book' for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night.
Commercials. Tsk. Tsk. I think SOMEONE's contract is almost up again, don't YOU? Hurricane getting the better of Flair in a PROMO? The world's coming to an END, I tell ya. Oh, and it seems Summerslam will be on the 15th of August.
La Resistance in the ring waving their flags, but before they can sing Rhyno and Tajiri come out... Um, I think Rhyno and Conway will be facing each other one on one, so Tajiri and Grenier go to the floor. Conway with a waistlock, Rhyno elbows free. Rhyno with an Armwringer, but Conway Irish Whips him. Rhyno knocks him down with a forearm, then takes him over with a Deep Armdrag, then goes to the opposite side for a head of steam, but Conway tosses him to the outside so Grenier can work on him. Rhyno back in and they go to brawling a bit, but Conway is toppled with a Short Lariat. They go back and forth some, then Rhyno counters something from Conway with a Spinebuster and prepares for the GORE, but Grenier grabs his foot to stop him. Tajiri kicks Sylvan's skull in to free his new tag-partner, and Rhyno hits the GORE, GORE, GOOOOORE for the win.
Commercials. Catwoman, eh? Didn't they learn from the Birds of Prey? You can't have a Batman character in a show WITHOUT BATMAN and expect anyone to go see it. It's like a law, I think. Not unless she'll show tit, anyway - and since she won't in this one, just forget it.
Tomko comes out with Trish... I wonder who he's gonna face? Ross tells us that Trish speaks three languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. Not bad... Could be worse, right? IT IS! Nidia comes out with MAVEN! Tomko catches Maven coming in and bounces him off the barrier before the match starts, then rolls him in and picks him up in a Military Press Slam, then FIRES Maven into the corner and stomps on him a bit after he collapses. Tomko goes to the ropes, but Nidia grabs his foot. Tomko goes out to give chase, but gives up in ten paces and tries to get back in. Maven hotshots him on the toprope UGLY, and then pulls Tyson back in. Tyson isn't happy, and promptly bulldozes Maven. Maven manages to knock Tyson down with a lariat and then goes to the ropes, but Trish grabs him. Nidia pulls her off as Tomko comes in to capitalize. Maven leapfrogs over Tomko and comes off the farside ropes RIGHT into a Giant Boot. Maven's pinned.
Cut to Benoit taping up, and Regal makes a case. He doesn't care what Benoit thinks of him, but he does care what Benoit thinks of Gene and assures Chris that Eugene is being coerced and generally bullshitted into doing what he shouldn't. Benoit says he knows Regal likes Gene. Benoit likes him, too. Hell, EVERYONE likes Gene... BUT tonight, he's gonna do what he must do in ANY title defense. No matter WHO it is. Then he marches off.
Commercials. Fuck ME, they're making a CGI enhanced Live Action THUNDERBIRDS MOVIE??? I know the puppets won't fly anymore, but THIS? I feel ill.
Okay, time for the Highlight Reel. Bathroom break for everyone... Except me. Y2J welcomes us, and tells us he's done alot in the WWe. He's the only one that's held five titles. He's the first Unified Champ, and as of last week he's the Undisputed Musical Chairs Champ. Yay for him.
Jericho then tells us that his next guests have serious issues they must clear up, and if there's anything he's learned from Raw when you've got serious issues you don't solve them one on one in the back - you solve them in front of the world stage that IS the Highlight Reel. Jericho calls Kane out as we get some photos of the Kane/Hardy battle... Kane's twitching in a rage, and he explains that he doesn't respond well to cute comments and will punish them promptly. Kane's mic fails (Thank God) but they fix it (Boo!) and Kane manages to call Lita out to confront her. Lita complies.
Kane makes with the scowlies and then tells her she's made him angry - and bad things happen when he gets angry. He asks if she has any idea what he's gonna do - but Lita snatches the mic and tells him he's gonna do Jack SHIT because she's tired of being a scared victim. She then says Kane doesn't know SHIT about suffering, so she tells him that it's knowing she could be impregnated by someone she despises - that it's having the man you love refuse to speak to you... But no more. She's gonna do what she wants. When she wants, and he can go pound rocks.
Kane says he'll kill Hardy and then chuckles. Lita's not scared anymore, though, and she knows Matt can fight his own battles. Further, she knows who the father is, and it's not Kane. Because she's been with them both, and Matt's more of a man than Kane will EVER be. Then she leaves while Kane huffs and puffs. Kane throws a chair all pissed and shit. Jericho tries to calm him down, so Kane throws him out the ring and stalks off. Jericho back in the ring demanding Kane come back and fight him. Kane marches on, and Jericho tells him not to leave so prematurely. Then again, Lita tells him Kane does a lot prematurely... Kane stops. Jericho tells Kane that he just got punked by a chick, and that they should call off the Diva Search since Kane's the biggest Diva in the house. In fact, much like the Divas, Kane ALSO hasn't got any balls.
Kane turns and marches back to fight Jericho, but first...
We're back, and Kane's got Jericho in a Reverse Chinlock. Jericho gets back up and tries to elbow free, but is clobbered to the mat. Kane goes for a Backdrop Suplex, but Jericho flips free and Dropkicks Kane into the corner. Y2J mounts Kane for the Cornerpunching, but Kane soon tosses Y2J to the outside. No, Jericho lands on the apron and thumbs Kane in the eye. Jericho goes to the top, but Kane tosses him off. They brawl a bit, but Jericho is knocked down and then stretched across the post by Kane from the floor. Kane back in and hits Jericho with a Sidewalk Slam, which gets two. Kane with some knees to the lower back, followed by some stomping and slaps. He pulls Jericho up and knocks him back down, which gets two. Jericho back up with some Choppy-Woo, but Kane responds with a Bear Hug.
Jericho languishes a bit, then tries to punch loose. Kane flings him to the mat and then tries the Elbow Drop. Jericho moves. They're both up, and Jericho with some more chops. Kane pushes him to the corner, but Jericho droptoes him to the second rope neck-first. Jericho goes for the Bossman Rush, but Kane catches him coming in with the Giant Boot, then goes to the top. Jericho hits him with the Springboard Dropkick, but Kane doesn't fall. Kane comes off the ropes, but Jericho dropkicks him in midair. Kane tries for the chokeslam, but Jericho slips loose and hits Kane with a Chop-Block, then tries to get the Walls. Kane shoves him off, so Jericho catches him standing back up with a Dropkick to the other leg. Kane in the Walls, but Kane gets the ropes. Clean break.
Jericho tries to capitalize, but Kane hits the Low Blow. The referee sees it so Kane is disqualified. Kane Chokeslams Jericho and the referee at once, then stalks off.
We get another quick shill of Flair's book, including how Hogan held him down - as well as anyone that would be Flair's political ally... Um... Wha?
Commercials. Jamie Foxx will be a cabdriver unwillingly helping Tom Cruise make his rounds as an assassin. It's called Collateral, but I think 'Bomb' would be a better title...
Lawler will take a few minutes to drool on some more tits, and this time the lucky girl will be Nina Harden... Heh. What are the odds? She's in a Gold suit, and it seems she makes her own clothes. Such as the suit she's got on now. Lawler gets her to dance a bit, Nitro Girl Style if you will... Sigh. Lawler says he'd be glad to be her slow-dance partner, and then she exits.
Smackdown Rebound has Cena clobbering Angle and then being clobbered by Raines and having his US Strap stripped. Then we show JBL beating up a Mexican Luchadore Champion, then having the Lucha switch Villano style with Eddy Guerrero and then getting his ass handed to him. Up next, Flair versus Hurricane. But first...
Commercials. Snickers has entered the lucrative Energybar market. Who in the hell would buy a HEALTHY SNICKERS BAR? It's not fucking NATURAL.
Hurricane comes out for his dose of thrash from a pretty darn pissy Flair. We're given a replay of Hurricane making Flair lose his fucking mind and getting punched out for it. Then we have Flair come out as Ross explains Flair's book has bothered many of his peers and that it's a must-read. Forget it, Ross. I got plenty of toilet paper already.
Flair's in the ring and they circle each other a bit before locking up. Helms has Flair in a headlock. Flair shoves loose and Whips Helms to the corner. Helms reverses and Flair hits the buckles and comes back to get Back Body Dropped. Flair comes back at him, trying for a Manhattan Drop, but Hurricane lands at a safe distance and then thumbs Flair in the eye. Flair punches Hurricane down and then puts him into a hammerlock and wings him shoulder-first into the corner post. Helms wing in a bad way, so Flair works the hammerlock again, then yanks Helms to the mat and hits a Kneedrop. Flair picks Helms back up and clamps on an Armbar. Helms punches loose and hits a flying clothesline. Flair back up and he tries an axehandle, but Hurricane brawls him to the mat. Flair begs off, but Hurricane whips him to the corner for the Flair Flip. Flair goes to the outside. Hurricane follows him and hits a couple brawlies and chops before rolling Ric back in. Helms back in after him and Flair thumbs him in the eye. Flair's ear is bleeding as he nails some Choppy-Woo.
Flair with the strut before he goes for an overhand right. Helms blocks and knocks Flair down. Helms goes to the top and hits Flair with the Blockbuster. Helms picks Flair up, but Flair slips behind him and Chop Blocks his leg. Flair works the leg a bit, bouncing it across the apron from the floor a bit. Flair gets back into the ring and hits Helms with another Chop Block, then puts on the Figure Four. Helms taps. Flair raises his hands in victory, and then kicks Helms in the ribs while he's down... Yeah, yeah. Boo. Hiss. Retire already, would you?
We're back (10:47) for Gov. Craig Benson to help explain the Smackdown Your Vote bit... Then we have Lawler bring out another Diva hopeful, Carmella DeCesar, I think he said. He asks her to tell about her personal life. She tells him she has two puppies and they're really cute. Lawler agrees, but she explains that she means a chocolate labrador and a poodle. He asks why she wants to be a Diva, and she says she wants to work for Vince McMahon, and reminds us she was 2004 Playmate of the Year.
Cut to Eugene in the back (10:50) talking to a stuffed animal. Benoit comes up, so Eugene asks if Chris is mad at him. Chris says he's not mad or anything like that, because he's Gene's friend. He says he knows what Evolution has told him, but he only wants to wrestle - same as Gene does. No chairs. No brass knuckles. No outside interference. Just wrestle. For the belt. Then he still reminds Gene that he's gonna do whatever it takes - as a wrestler - to retain his title. He then wishes Eugene good luck and marches off...
We're back (10:54) for Eugene coming to the ring... It's telling that this time Gene's not noted below his name graphic as a member of Evolution, no? Then Benoit's intro begins (10:55) and he marches to the ring after showing the crowd the belt from the ramp. He gets to the ring pretty fast after that, and we start the match (10:56).
Gene and Benoit circle each other and go to the tie-up. Gene pushes Benoit to the corner and hits a Chop. Benoit responds in kind. Gene claps happily, unfazed by the chop. Benoit gapes, then pushes Gene into the corner for another couple chops followed by a Snap Suplex. Gene clamps on a headlock, but Benoit counters with a Backdrop Suplex. Gene is groggy, so Benoit shoves him chest first into the corner and follows with the Triple German. Benoit makes the slow neck-cut, then goes for the Diving Headbutt. Gene dodges, then goes for the Pedigree. Benoit counters with a Back Body Drop, then hits a punch. Eugene hits a Spinebuster, then tries for the People's Elbow. Benoit dodges, then clamps on the Sharpshooter.
Gene manages to crawl to the ropes, and he gets the clean break. Benoit back up, and he sends Gene to the ropes. Gene ducks the clothesline, but comes off and they clash heads. Gene spills outside, and then slaps the mat as he gets angry. Gene back in and he pounds Benoit to the mat and hits a Snap Suplex. Gene tries a waistlock. Benoit reverses. Gene re-reverses, and hits the Triple German. Eugene clamps on the Crossface. Benoit in trouble now, but he makes it to the ropes. Barely. Eugene picks him up and tries an Irish Whip. Benoit reverses. Gene hits the corner. Benoit charges in to capitalize, but Eugene drop-toes him into the ringpost. Benoit staggers backward, and Eugene lays him down with the Rock Bottom. Eugene covers, but Benoit gets his foot on the rope. The ref pulls Gene off Benoit, so Gene thinks he's the new champ and he happily runs around the ring with the belt.
Evolution comes out. Eugene shows them the belt. HHH knocks him on his ass, then Evolution pounds on Benoit while Flair holds Eugene. Regal comes out and beats Orton half to death. Dave makes the save, and then he and HHH beat on Regal some. Eugene gets loose, but Dave puts him in a Full Nelson and Evolution commences to beating everyone down. Eugene gets an RKO, a Pedigree and a Sitout Powerbomb, then HHH sits on his chest and punches his dome in. Gene is bleeding, but they continue stomping his guts out. Then HHH puts him in another Pedigree to finish him off... Evolution leaves, but Eugene's actually crawling towards the apron. HHH knees him back down and then holds the title up a bit to clue us of things to come... That'll close the show.
Folks, I know these post-PPV shows are anti-climactic, but all things considered they produced some pretty decent matches... They've actually done something right by turfing Eugene, and this could be a pretty interesting Summerslam if they keep the quality of their build as high as this until then...
Yeah, I know. But I can dream, right?
You're welcome. See you SOON.