Special Effects
Originally Posted 7-5-04

Hello, my intended...

Well, if you're an American - such as I'm - then you've probably just wrapped up the barbecue, fireworks and booze that's generally utilized in celebrating the Independence Day... If you're European, specifically British, you probably groused and grumbled at what is probably considered 'Yet Another Country Celebrating Kicking Our Royal Asses Day' - especially considering all the different countries that get to celebrate it in turn. Don't take it too hard, though, chaps. You used to be a World Power back in the 1000-1500 A.D. days, according to most history books...

And even I must admit you guys DID manage to win ONE war without very much help - against Argentina back in 1982... Hey, it might not be much, but it's SOMETHING, eh? Pip Pip.

No, I don't hate the British. I just figured I'd use the occasion and try out a bit of Foreign Heel Heat... Annoying, isn't it? One can only imagine what Bradshaw would have done to 'get over as a heel' over there in the UK, eh? I'm told he brushes up on history, himself, so he'd probably have gotten a nice riot going... He might have even gotten hit in the head with a krumpet. Heh.

As you might well remember from last week's storyline, Eugene will be the acting GM for this show. So, in case you are wondering what that might entail, here's a hint: Loads of skits with Evolution chatting him up, probably ending with Evolution getting a handicap match against 'The Big Jerk' Benoit to soften him up for the impending PPV. If you look at the WWe site, they're going the same 'homosexual suggestive' nomenclature route that Flair's saddled with by calling Eugene 'A Pawn in the Game'.

Sweet Chin Jesus, don't these people read what they're writing? Why not 'The Game's New Pawn'? Why not 'Manager's Special'? Sigh.

This bout of 'suggestions' to the WWe will clumsily segue to my next segment. In case you haven't checked out the TRP Forums, I've brought up a bit of news regarding <a href="http://theringpost.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=233">WWe's latest venture</a> wherein you could - for an as-yet-undetermined fee - partake in WWe's 'Official' Fantasy Wrestling League. They're serious about it, kids, and word has it that they're closing down e-feds all over the net for 'copyright infringement'. While I'm sure that could be so with feds that allow people to use 'real' wrestlers, or even feds that use photos of 'real' wrestlers for their site, there is no PRECISE data available as yet. At this point, many fantasy feds are shutting down just to be on the safe side - and I think that's just plain wrong.

Therefore, folks, your pal Bobo will be joining this 'Official' WWe Fantasy Federation - but he'll be using a 'throw-away' character in case WWe sneaks in the old Everquest Fan Shafting Clause (in a nutshell, any creative works pertaining to the game and/or posted to the forums of said game, become the exclusive property of the company - even after your membership ends) to further exploit their fans. Yep, kids, I could very well find myself writing for WWe - and paying THEM to do so. Why? Same reason I do these damn Recaps...

So you don't have to deal with it yourselves.

Sure, many would-be 'Superstars on Paper' will be stepping to the table of the 'Official' WWe thing, likely with dreams of impressing them so much that they'll nab gigs as writers over there at the Towers. Bobo is under no such misconception. Why? Five things:

Any ONE of these handicaps would preclude me from working for Vince, so as you can plainly see all five makes it 'No Chance in Hell'.

However, if you'd like to help ol' Bobo with his insidious plans, here's how: Send Bobo a character for him to use in the 'Official' Fantasy Fed. Click the Link up top to send him this through E-mail, or post it in the Feedback Forum if you prefer. I expect all the basic data, such as Height, Weight, Hometown, and Four Specialty Moves plus a 'Finisher'. Also include what kind of 'personality' this character will have. Don't worry, Bobo can portray any character you can come up with since he used to be a Dungeon Master - and he'll even post copies of his promos in the forums for everyone's entertainment.

We can even make it a contest... Whichever character wins (which we can determine through a poll, or according to my own judgement - depending on the responses), Bobo will draw a picture of for his Official In-Game Profile and send the 'winner' the original.

Yeah, I know it's not much of a prize; but considering how motivated you folks usually are, I don't particularly expect much of a response to choose from before I'm forced to just go with either one of the WWe's 'actual' Superstars (assuming the official WWe fed lets us use official WWe 'talent' of course) or one of the jobbers I created for the ill-fated F.E.W...

Feel free to Prove Me Wrong, kids.

Tonight's Raw is coming to us from Winnipeg, Canada. Eugene's picture is used, and it's cheered. I guess they warned the crowd in advance to avoid embarrassment... Standard Raw intro.

Ross explains that Eric's on Vacation and that Gene will be the manager... First down the ramp is Ric Flair, but a bunch of people are in the ring already, with chairs. Coach. Tomco. Stacy. Lawler. Tajiri, and a referee so far...

Jericho comes out next. The crowd pops huge for the hometown favorite. Next out is Eugene... He's in a suitcoat, and he welcomes us to Monday Night Raw and explains that his Uncle Eric couldn't be there, but left him in charge. He wants everyone to have fun tonight - even Coach. He then asks 'Who wants to see a Championship Match tonight?' The crowd is amenable. Whomever wins this game of Musical Chairs will get a title shot. Only Stacy and King are circling the chairs as the music plays... Then the music stops and the rest of them scramble to the seats. Tajiri seems to have lost, but he mists Coach before he leaves...

Since Coach can no longer see, he loses next. The crowd continues to root for Y2J.

King sits on Stacy's lap for a cheap thrill, but is eliminated.

Flair shoves Stacy away to eliminate her next. Jericho gives Naitch a wink.

Flair is eliminated next by making too much strut... Jericho and Tomco eye each other warily.

Jericho yanks the chair out from under Tomco and then sits in it to the lusty approval of the crowd. Eugene congratulates Jericho for the win and gives him a title shot. Against Orton for the Intercontinental Championship, to be precise.

You know what? As ashamed as I am to admit it, I actually LIKED that bit. Thank GOD I'm taping this, I still don't believe I saw it.


Next to the ring... La Resistance for a Non-Title Match. Not much of a pop for the Canadians from the Canadians, which is somewhat strange, eh Conway turns the crowd against them by singing the Canadian Anthem. Badly.

Rhyno and Val Venis will be the challengers. They charge the ring and begin brawling, then knock Conway out of the ring and doubleteam Grenier for a team Shoulderblock. Sylvan is getting some shoulderblocks in the belly from Rhyno, then whipped into the corner. Rhyno fails to capitalize, and Sylvan tags Conway in. Two on one brawlies in the corner, and then Rhyno is knocked down with a clothesline from Conway. Tag to Grenier, who hits a Kneedrop to Rhyno's head and makes the cover. It gets two. Grenier clamps on a Reverse Chinlock for a bit. Rhyno fights free and tries an Irish Whip. Sylvan reverses, so Rhyno comes off the ropes and hits a Flying Shoulder Block. Tag to Venis. Tag to Conway. Venis hits a Uranage. Conway clamps on a side headlock, but Venis counters with a sitout Powerbomb. It gets two before Grenier breaks it up. Bedlam breaks out, and Venis eats the Au Revior for the loss.

Flair, Dave and Randy are bitching about Eugene being in charge, in Evolution, and in general. Flair sneaks in a shill for the book Mark Madden wrote for him, and then Randy goes 'What the HELL is THAT?'

Eugene's Office is a bouncy castle. He asks whether they remember when HHH said Kane should be punished. They do. Dave asks if Gene intends to have HHH face Kane. Gene says no. He intends for DAVE to face him. Dave looks unhappy. Gene then says he knows a team that can beat La Resistance for the Tag Titles... Flair... And Eugene. It'll happen at Vengeance, in case you want to see further humiliation of Flair. Tempting, I know. Flair flips out and must be restrained by Dave and Randy. Gene happily bounces away in his office...


HHH intro begins... Two minutes later he gets a mic in the ring. HHH explains the definition of a 'miracle' according to Webster's, and then says HHH's definition of one is 'Benoit's reign as Champion', and suggests that the way Benoit's held it is nothing less than Divine Intervention. The fans remind him he tapped out. HHH says, 'This Sunday at Vengeance, he will answer the age-old question - God or Evolution. He assures us Darwin was right. He'll get his title back, and 'no man, woman or God will stop him.' Edge comes out and gets into the ring... He says that while he was on the shelf, he saw Evolution dominate Raw - and since he's come back nothing's really changed. But Edge thinks that it's time for a change, and he suggests HHH tell Randy that it's his ASS at Vengeance. He then tells HHH that somebody's got to take a stand, and it'll be him.

HHH takes off his suitcoat and tries to brush Edge off by saying 'I've heard that a million times, but here he stands in the ring on top of the world. Nothing changes. So, what makes Edge think he's any different?'

Edge starts punching HHH's head in. They brawl back and forth, then Edge takes HHH down with a double-leg pickup. Evolution runs out to help. Edge bails. Randy starts over the barrier after him and Edge punches him square between the eyes. Orton's down. Edge smiles all big. Orton manages to get back up as Edge rolls out through the crowd.

Commercials. Driv3r from Atari, eh? It sucks. Don't buy it. Don't rent it. Avoid it.

Next up, Kane vs. Batista. Kane strides to the ring, and we're told that Hardy will face Kane at Vengeance in a No-DQ match. Batista comes out next to show us how badly the two of them can stink up a ring...

The bell rings so they lock up. Neither manage to get the upper hand in the lockup, so Dave slaps Kane. Kane punches Dave. Kane pushed into the corner for some punches from Dave. Kane counters with a Sidewalk Slam, then goes for the Chokeslam. Dave elbows free, then gets an Uppercut from Kane. Dave responds with a Spinebuster, then picks Kane up for the Running Powerslam, but Kane slips loose and shoves Dave out of the ring, then follows him to the floor. Matt Hardy runs out as Dave and Kane both clothesline each other, and Hardy attacks Kane to give Dave the DQ win. Two minutes this took... Two minutes for NOTHING. And then...

Commercials. King Arthur the action adventure opens in two days so someone can try to cash in on the success of Lord of the Rings, I guess... It won't work. Spiderman 2 is kicking all kinds of ass, and Bobo loved it.

We're back as Matt is walking out, but he gets stopped for a quick interview. Hardy says he'll be thrashing Kane this Sunday. The geek reminds him of the speculation regarding whose kid is Lita lugging around, and Hardy stares at him really solemnly, then leaves.

So we go to some clips of the Diva Search as it hits L.A... Yeah, this is interesting. Everyone wants to see THIS instead of WRESTLING. <b>Dumbasses!</b>

Next up, Orton and Jericho for the IC, but first...

Commercials. Spiderman 2 the videogame looks pretty nice. Not nice enough to put fifty bucks on, mind, but nice enough to at least rent...

Orton comes to the ring for his title defense against the hometown boy, Jericho. Orton mugs the smuggish, but the crowd doesn't react to him very much... Probably waiting for Jericho before they'll pop. Jericho comes out. They pop.

We get a clip of Jericho getting an award from Canada, which puts him in company with the Pope, Mother Theresa, and Jimmy Carter... Ick.

Bell rings and the two of them circle each other before going to the collar and elbow. Jericho tosses Randy with an Armdrag. Randy stalls a bit, then puts Y2J in a headlock. Orton goes to a waistlock, but Jericho slips loose and hits an armwringer. Orton counters with a Top Wristlock that takes Jericho to the mat. Jericho bridges and then tosses Orton over. They resume circling each other, and Randy goes for the lockup, but gets kicked in the belly, punched, and then Suplexed. Jericho goes for the single foot cover which doesn't even get one. Orton sends Jericho to the corner. Jericho tries for the Crossbody, but Orton counters with a Dropkick, catching him in midair.

Orton goes to the Head Wrench for a bit. Jericho manages to get to his feet and lay in some elbows to the belly of Orton, but Orton knocks him flat and then tosses him over the ropes. Orton is unaware that Jericho ran the apron up to the top, and he eats a Flying Reverse Elbow from Y2J, which gets two. Randy tries some brawling, but Jericho hits the Enzuigiiri and covers. Orton gets to the rope to stop the count and then yanks Y2J's head across the ropes as he drops to the floor. Orton back in, and he charges Jericho - but is Back Body Dropped over the ropes to the opposite side. Then Dave comes out to stand by, and we'll go to....


We're back, and Y2J is standing on the buckles punching in Orton's dome in the corner. Orton staggers out, so Jericho goes to the ropes - but Dave pulls the top one down so Jericho falls outside. Dave bounces Jericho off the ringpost while Randy distracts the referee, and then tosses him back in so Orton can continue working the arm of the Lionheart. Orton with assorted Armbars, followed by a Snapmare and... ANOTHER Head Wrench. Randy remembers he's supposed to be working the arm, so he goes to a Chickenwing. Jericho surges to his feet and tries to fight free, but Orton yanks him to the mat by his hair, and continues punishing Jericho's left arm. Jericho backs into the corner and tries to keep Orton at bay with some kicks, but Orton puts Y2J's arm in the ropes for a bad yank. Orton with some punches, then sends Jericho to the corner. Jericho puts on the brakes and hits Orton with a clothesline as Orton hits him with one. The ten-count starts, but they're both up at eight for brawling. Orton charges, but Y2J drop-toes him throat-first into the ropes and hits the Bossman Rush. Orton thumbs him in the eye, and then hits the Hangman's Backbreaker. It gets two.

Orton presses the advantage, but Jericho counters his attack with a Facebuster. Jericho covers, but it only gets two. Orton in the corner for some punches from Jericho, then he tosses Orton to the opposite side and charges in... Orton dodges aside, so Jericho hits the Shoulderblock into the ringpost. Orton goes to the top. Jericho up there with him, trying to hit a Superplex. Orton shoves him off and then hits him with a Crossbody, which gets two. Dave is on the apron, so Jericho hits him with the Missile Dropkick. Orton tries to hit the RKO, but Jericho counters with the Walls. Dave pops onto the apron, so Jericho lets Orton go long enough to knock Dave off the apron. Orton with a schoolboy, and he uses the ropes for extra leverage to pin Jericho. Dave looks pretty happy, which makes... One.

HHH joins Eugene in the Bouncy Castle to make sure he's got a deal. Gene tells him he does, so he leaves out pretty dizzy. Flair asks him if it's fixed so that he doesn't have to team with Gene at Vengeance, but HHH says that 'he hadn't gotten around to it in the twenty minutes they were bouncing together' for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night...

No, the match he had Gene make was to be Flair and Eugene and HHH to face Edge and Benoit in an aptly named Handicap Match. Flair says he's ready to throw up, which I think makes it unanimous on Planet Earth. HHH tells Flair to trust him, and then we go to...


Smackdown Rebound has JBL bragging about his victory, and then beating Spike half to death so show how tough he is. I'd call it a success, myself. Eddy comes out and reminds him that he got a rematch clause, and will be facing JBL in the cage. Then we see Undertaker turning on Heyman...

We're back, and we've got all the Divas in there for a 'Contract on the Pole' match to be the #1 Contender to face Trish (who has a broken hand, last I heard). Nidia, Vic and Molly. Vic is tossed out of the ring, and then Molly and Nidia try for the contract. Nidia knocks Molly off the ropes as Vic gets to the apron. Vic kicks Nidia to the mat and then hits her with a Slingshot Somersault Legdrop from the apron. The three of them brawl about some as Trish offers commentary. Molly tosses Vic outside again, but Vic hangs on and tries to Skin-the-Cat. Molly kicks her loose and hits her with a Plancha on the floor. Ross explains that 'this match is about climbing the pole' for the SECOND Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Vic and Molly battle a bit more, and during the confusion Nidia gets the contract - and the title shot.

Trish comes to the ring to speak to Nidia about the opportunity she's just won, but Trish gets to pick the stipulation, and Nidia will face her for the strap 'when Trish is ready'. Trish keeps talking, but the girl's no heel. Oops, she punches Nidia with the cast. She then says that she's ready, and has the ref count a pinfall on the unconscious Nidia as her title defense...

Interesting, but still a bit bland. At least they didn't put crap like this on the PPV. Yet.


We're back, so let's show some more clips from the Diva Search. Then we have Ross and Lawler discuss it a bit to waste some MORE time... And as FURTHER waste of time, they give us the breakdown of the Vengeance Card Matches... Many of which were booked THIS SHOW.

At least they're consistent, eh?

Cut to Trish and Tomco discussing hosing Nidia, then they chance upon Lita. Trish talks some shit in the 'concerned bullshit' mode. Lita stares at her sullenly, so Trish marches off, but calls back to Lita saying 'And to THINK they call ME a slut.' Lita hangs her head in shame...

Backstage, HHH is explaining that since Edge said he was gonna take down Evolution one by one, it would logically include Eugene. HHH tells him that Edge and Benoit will represent everyone that ever laughed at Eugene, and encourages him to 'stay angry' so that he can dish out the hurt proper. HHH browbeats him some more, and tells him that they shall do this as a TEAM. As FRIENDS!

'As BEST FRIENDS!' Eugene pronouces with a hug for the Game.

'Uh, yeah,' says HHH as he tentatively pats Gene on the head.


We're back (10:50) for Evolution's Intro. Flair, Gene and HHH come to the ring together to save time, I guess... Gene and HHH are conferencing all the way to the ring while Flair - oozing disgust with the way things are turning out - follows a few steps behind. Ross and Lawler remind us about Flair's book, and that it's 'ruffled a few feathers' to further piss on Foley's head.

Next out. Edge. (10:52) Edge bounces around at the top as HHH continues to fill Gene's head with lies. Benoit comes out pretty fast (10:52) and they both get to the ring (10:52). The ref starts the match (10:53) and Benoit will start for his team while Gene will start for Evolution.

Benoit offers a handshake, but Gene goes to a waistlock. They hit a few chains, then Benoit tosses Gene with an Armdrag. Gene goes to the corner for instruction, then pushes Benoit to the other corner and punches him a couple times. Benoit doesn't want to fight Eugene, so he gets out of the corner and knocks HHH off the apron. Eugene hits Benoit from behind, then tags in HHH. Benoit leaps back up before HHH can capitalize, so Benoit Irish Whips him into the corner for some Choppy-Woo. HHH with a Manhattan Drop. Benoit responds with a Crossface after knocking Flair off the apron. Eugene makes the save, and Benoit bails to the outside rather than fight Eugene. Flair bounces Benoit off the steel steps, and then....

Commercials. (10:56)

We're back (10:59) as HHH is working Benoit over in the heel corner, with some help from Flair. Benoit gets loose, but HHH puts him in the Sleeper (aka 'Pushkiller'). Benoit counters with a Backdrop Suplex as we're told Edge hasn't been in the ring yet. Edge is bouncing in anticipation of the tag. Benoit makes the tag as HHH tags in Flair. Edge tosses Flair with the Back Body Drop. Then HHH gets the Back Body Drop. Then Flair gets the Spear. Edge tries for a Flying Forearm on HHH, but HHH ducks and Edge hits Eugene instead. Eugene falls to the floor, and then he goes batshit and leaps in to pound on Edge. HHH lets him do it for a bit, then pulls Eugene off as Flair goes for the cover. It gets two. Flair tags in HHH.

HHH flings Edge shoulder-first into the near-side ringpost, then puts him in an inverted Armbar. HHH tells Eugene to break Edge's arm, so Gene has Edge by the wrist, but let's him go as the crowd chants 'Eugene sucks'. Eugene is confused, so Edge makes the tag - but the ref didn't see it. Tag to Flair, who chops Edge to the mat and then hits a Kneedrop. He pulls Edge back up. Edge tries a kick to the belly, but Flair catches it. Then Flair gets an Enzuigiiri. Flair Flop. Tag to Benoit. Tag to HHH.

Benoit clotheslines Flair off the apron, and then hits HHH with the Triple German Suplex. Slow throat cut from the Wolverine, and then he goes to the top and hits the Diving Headbutt. Benoit covers, but Flair pulls him off with a fishhooking facerake. Edge in there now, but Flair tosses him outside. Benoit charges into the referee, knocking Gene off the apron. HHH gets a chair, but Benoit knocks it away. Gene gets the chair and HHH tells him to hit Benoit, but Gene can't do it... Benoit puts HHH in the Sharpshooter, and HHH convinces Eugene to save him. Gene does, albeit reluctantly...

HHH with the Pedigree on Benoit. Threecount. Fade to black...

Sweet Jesus, kids, this was their last chance to convince you to buy the PPV this Sunday. I think they failed...

You're welcome. See you SOON.