Hello, my intended...
Well, kids, it's your old pal Bobo once again risking life and limb (or - more accurately, sense and sanity) to bite that 'Bad TV' bullet and deliver to you - the wrestling fan - all the rundown of Raw with none of the dreams of suicide that it inspires... First off, let's examine the Great American Bash.
Kudos to Der Kommissaar for showing a Net Prophet by outpredicting the rest of the rogue's gallery over at our 'ugly cousin' site LethalWrestling twice in a row. You done good, my friend.
That said, let's consider the huge disappointment that them putting the title on Texas Fuckstick III brings. Eddy Guerrerro was a champion that they could be proud of, as he'd beaten his own demons and through hard work and consummate skill could put on a beautiful match against almost anybody. Too bad he's Hispanic, or he'd have been the Full Package. So he loses the title so we can have a boring, sloppy, silly-ass, Seig Heiling Cowboy as the flagship for the Thursday Brand... Yes, that makes perfect sense. To whom, I have no clue.
Further, after beating the Dudleyz (which I of course said he would some time ago), Undertaker 'surprised' everyone by pulling the lever and burying Paul Bearer in cement himself... Folks, I've been trained in trench rescue, and I'm aware how totally fucking dangerous being ensconced in soil of any stripe is to the human form, that kind of stunt can fucking kill you - and not be long doing it. Cellular/cutaneous asphyxiation sets in quickly, and the limbs - starved for oxygen - blacken and wither. I've seen people have to lose their legs after being covered in mud up to their waists, and don't even get me started on how fucking dangerous being buried in the sand 'for fun' is...
On the plus side, I think the cement they used was mostly water, otherwise the 'glass crypt' would have quickly burst under the pressure. Pouring concrete full-tilt from a drum-mixer would have the force comparative to collapsing soil, and that's - give or take - 800 pounds per square inch. Not even bullet proof plexiglass can withstand such pressure, and pressure-rated glass - such as used in submersible marine vehicles - would have been ridiculously expensive for a 'single shot' use.
From the pictures I've seen, though, Paul looks pretty clean in there, with hardly a speck on his black suit from the grey concrete, so I figure they did a 'sleeve' inside the tank for him to sit in. Sadly, I guess Percy hasn't quite grasped that as sendoffs go, this one is pretty much 'final'. Maybe they'll give him an office spot or something, but I doubt it. I'll have to see the pictures during the Smackdown report that they put on Raw to tell for certain. Of course, by the time we get there I probably won't give a shit anymore...
Oh, and Cena retained the U.S. Title against a pretty decent amount of competition. I don't really watch Smackdown, so if you want to hear anyone cheering about it, wait for our Esteemed Ladies of Wrestling (Annie and Ginger) to weigh in.
Now, on to Raw... First off, the Raw magazine features Lita on the cover sporting a flesh colored bikini, so if you think 'neo-nudity' is sexy or something, you've got yourself some new family-friendly crank-fodder. If you want, you can also read about 'her inspirational comeback' and why 'hard work truly does pay off'... You know, considering what Lita's hard work has been lately, that blurb's so fucking funny it breaks your heart. You can check it out at the WWe website for yourself, as well as find out 'what Dawn Marie does backstage' and hear Dr. Tom and Bradshaw talk some ridiculous shit by damning the internet ON THE INTERNET. That's almost as stupid as swearing someone to secrecy while standing in front of a live national television feed... But of course, we're not talking about geniuses, are we? No, clearly not.
Then we have Eugene to consider... After Benoit 'proved he was no friend of Eugene' with the walloping of the chair, I figure we'll have some pretty depressing vignettes of Evolution brainwashing the dipshit or something... Then maybe sending him to battle Regal.
Benoit will of course retain against Kane, and I'm thinking it'll be by DQ as Hardy runs in to deal Kane a steel-chair howdy for 'fucking with his girl' - pun intended this time. Heh. See, while Kane has no problem doing the job for HHH, The Game absolutely MUST defeat a 'for real' Benoit clean as a whistle so he can go back to his 'character' of 'always beating whomever they put against him', and I can go back to my treasure trove of Son-in-Law jokes.
All that's in question is... How much of the show will be shilling for the Diva Search show that - last time I checked - not a fucking soul was watching?
Tonight's Raw is coming at us from Richmond, Virginia... Edge and Jericho will once again face Orton and Batista, and as previously stated Benoit will face Kane for another try at the title... Kinda funny that tonight's live show is a bunch of repeats, huh?
We're told that ProMax has given five awards to WWe for all they've done in their field...
Eric Bischoff's portrait is booed, then we go to a replay of Eric getting HHH to help oust Eugene, and HHH doing the deed for a title shot at Vengeance... Then Benoit clobbering Eugene and then getting Pedigreed. Lawler calls him the next World Champion as if we needed him to tell us...
Standard Raw Intro.
They start out shilling the Bad Blood Rematch, and Bischoff has told Ross that he's got to interview Kane in the ring... Lawler reminds him that the last interview he did with Kane got him set on fire. Then Evolution comes out - without Eugene, interestingly enough. Yes, it's time for a nice long jaw session. Excitement. Excitement.
Ross calls Flair an 'author and legend', so I guess someone ghost-wrote a book, eh? HHH tells us that Eric's said whomever wins, Benoit or Kane, that he'll be facing them at Vengeance. But first, he's got something to say to Eugene face to face - so he calls Eugene out to the ring.
Eugene comes out to a decent pop - bigger than they gave Evolution, even. That's gotta hurt, huh? Gene's a bit pensive about getting in there, and HHH explains that he was just trying to teach him a lesson, and prepare him for all the guys back there that'll be out to get him. He also says that he'd never hurt Eugene, and if he DID mean to hurt Gene, even Gene would know that he wouldn't be standing there... HHH runs Benoit down to Eugene about being a liar, and a... a... Big Jerk.
Heh. Gene is shocked he said the J-word. HHH says he's honored that Eugene says he's his favorite wrestler in the whole wide world, and wants to make him an honorary member of Evolution. Randy and Dave look a bit shocked...
Regal comes out and tries to intervene. He tells them that Eugene can't trust HHH or Evolution, and that he's GOT to get away from them right away... HHH of course explains that Regal got his marching orders from Uncle Eric, and was only palling around with him to get his job as a wrestler back. HHH says that 'nothing is lower than someone that would PRETEND to be Eugene's friend just to get what he wants', which will be the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. HHH gives Gene the choice of staying with his friends in Evolution, or going with Regal... Gene is confused.
Eric comes out and says he's not letting them continue to pressure his nephew Eugene so he'll let them go at each other tonight, and he makes Eugene the Special Referee... (Heh) Regal looks pretty pleased with this, but so does HHH. Might actually be interesting...
We're told that we're going to see that tag team match next, so brace yourselves...
Dave's flexing in the ring as they play the Evolution music, and then we got to Jericho's intro... He's looking pretty intense there, so he might be planning to do his own Goldberging tonight... Then Edge comes out and slides into the ring for a shoving session with Evolution. The ref breaks them up, and Jericho and Orton will start it off... Nope, Orton tags Dave in immediately, and Dave comes out to get a sock in the mush from Y2J, which he no-sells. Jericho continues the brawlies, and Dave continues to shrug it off before finally knocking Jericho down and stepping on his neck. Dave puts Jericho into the corner for a series of shoulder-blocks as the arena fire-alarm rings. Tag to Orton, who lays in a stretch of brawlies on the weakened Jericho, then puts him in an arm-wringer and tags Dave back in. Dave knocks Jericho down and then steps on his neck. Then he tries for a Side Suplex, but Jericho flips free and charges across the ring for momentum - and gets a Backdrop Suplex from Dave.
Jericho rolls outside, so Orton gets in some cheap hits. Then Dave clouts on him a bit and rolls him back in for a Head wrench. Jericho elbows free and starts backing Dave up with some brawlies followed by a Dropkick that sits Dave in the ropes. Dave comes off the ropes and flattens Jericho with a Shoulder Charge, and then tags in Orton. Orton with a Standing Dropkick followed by a Lateral Press which gets two. Jericho gets loose and tags Edge. Edge hits Orton with a FLying Forearm, then a Spinwheel Kick. Edge hits Dave off the apron, and then puts Orton in an inverted Clover Hold, but Dave makes the save. Orton rolls outside to regroup. Jericho leaps in there now, and he and Edge knock Dave outside. Edge hits Orton with a Baseball Slide. Jericho hits Dave with a Crossbody from the top buckles... What next?
Commercials. Hey, look, they made a sequel to the Bourne Identity... Sigh.
We're back, and Edge and Jericho have Orton in the corner working him over... Orton manages to counter a Corner Straddle with a Hotshot, and then tags in Dave. Dave scoops up Edge and hits a Running Powerslam, then lays in a couple knees to his back, followed with a few stomps to the belly. Tag to Orton, who stomps on Edge's belly himself some, then hits a couple Legdrops. Orton covers, and that'll get two. Tag to Dave, and Orton holds him long enough for Dave to get there, and Dave puts Edge in a Seated Full Nelson. The crowd tries to get behind Edge, and Edge surges to a vertical base and then leaps into the corner to bounce Dave off the buckle and free himself. Tag to Orton, who hits a Snapmare which he follows with a Body Scissors/Chinlock combination. Edge fading fast, and Jericho beats on the buckles to get the crowd going... Edge manages to pry himself loose of the body scissors and get back to his feet. He lays in a couple punches to Orton's belly, and then hits the Edge-Cution. Edge and Orton crawl to their respective corners and make the tags.
Jericho gets in some offense, Dave is staggered and Y2J uses the opportunity to knock Orton off the apron and into the barrier... Jericho tries the Lionsault, but Dave rolls out of the way. Y2J lands on his feet, though, and all hell breaks loose. Randy tries to put Jericho in the RKO, but Jericho shoves him into the corner. Y2J ducks a clothesline attempt from Dave, but Orton doesn't. Orton knocked inside out by Batista, and Jericho tries to put Dave in the Walls during the confusion, but Dave shoves him off. Edge is in there and he hits Dave with the Spear, and then Jericho hits the Lionsault for the win...
And now, a replay of the bombshell Kane dropped on Hardy's proposal attempt #2, along with Lita clumsily explaining she only did it to save Hardy... Sigh. Listen, dude, if she'll fuck a guy to keep them from beating your ass, why is your win-ratio still so shitty?
Commercials. Hey, you can spend $49 bucks for a 3-month unlimited game rental at Blockbuster... OR, you could just buy a game and keep it.
We're back, and Flair confers with HHH and calls him the Franchise of the WWe. He tells HHH that bringing Eugene into Evolution will kill their gimmick, which is funny. HHH explains his insidious plans to use Eugene to get back the One Thing That Means Anything to Him - the WWe Title.
Y'know, if Stephanie wasn't writing this, HHH would be in for some SERIOUS shit later...
And after Gene's gotten that for him, he'll have outlived his usefulness, and then it's the curb for him... Flair seems pleased with this explanation, which brings the total to... one.
Now some shilling of the Diva Show... Singing. Dancing. Swimsuits. Coach pretending to be heterosexual...
We go to a haggard Lita trying to get in touch with Matt and only getting the answering service. Then Stacy shows up, and Lita explains why she did what she did, and how stupid it makes her... She speaks of the pregnancy, and that she has no idea what to do since she doesn't know who the father is. The crowd is DEAD QUIET from this IMMENSELY entertaining bit... Must... Not... LAUGH...
Oh, and in case you were wondering how they were gonna top that on the Suck-Scale, we have the ring surrounded with uniformed security so JR can talk to Kane... And Kane can talk, too.
Commercials. Enjoy them while you can...
We're back, and JR tells them how great it is to be back in Richmond, then he calls Kane down to answer some questions. Kane comes down the ramp looking constipated and gets into the ring. No pyro...? Ah well, I guess they're saving it for the match. Kane asks if JR is scared. Then reminds him if there was anything that he wanted to do to JR, no one could stop him.
JR asks why Kane massacred HBK. Kane tells him that HBK ruined his chance at the World Title, which made him angry - and when he gets angry, bad things happen.
JR asks why he did the naked mambo with Lita, and Kane says that while he knows he can't have a Family, he can still have an Offspring which he'll mold and shape into his legacy - and Lita is the broodmare for this purpose. Kane then says he'll be taking the title tonight, and in eight months he'll be a father... Kane chuckles in evil glee, and JR suggests that there's a 50/50 chance that the kid in question is Matt Hardy's. Kane gets all hot and bothered - and then knocked on his ass with a surprise attack from Hardy.
Eric calls the security to break it up and toss Hardy out of the place for trying to fuck up his Main Event. Bischoff apologizes to Kane for the intrusion and then explains that he wants Kane to finish off Benoit once and for all. To do this, Eric makes the stipulation for the title match as follows: Benoit MUST win the only way he has yet to - by making Kane tap out. Conversely, Kane can win the title on DQ, countout, knockout, pinfall, submission, time limit, hell any way there is TO win. Kane grins all big as the deck is stacked rather neatly.
Eugene is in the Zebra Stripes and trying to wake the crowd up from that HORRIBLY boring interview bit. Not even Gene can wake the dead, though.
Regal comes out, and his intro shows him being hugged by Gene several times. Regal starts talking to Eugene, and that'll be interrupted by HHH making his entrance with Flair in tow, y'know, to keep it fair. Regal continues trying to reason with Gene as HHH looks on, then HHH does the spit-take on the apron.
The crowd is still fucking dead, though...
Gene checks HHH and Regal for weapons, then hugs HHH and calls for the bell. Regal and HHH lock up, and HHH pushes him into the corner. Clean break, but Regal shoves HHH. They lock up again, and Regal with a waistlock, which he flows into a hammerlock. HHH reverses it. Regal re-reverses it and takes HHH to the mat. They get back up and Regal sends HHH to the ropes and shoulderblocks him down, which he follows up with a couple toe-kicks. Gene warns him for the illegal contact. HHH and Regal lock up and Regal shoves HHH into the corner for some brawlies. HHH retaliates with a stiff shot, a Suplex and then a Kneedrop.
HHH tries a Back Body Drop, but gets kicked in the head. Regal continues to whip on HHH - even hitting a really nice German Release Suplex, so Flair jumps onto the apron and confers with Gene, then tosses a set of brass knuckles to HHH. Regal beats him to the punch and flattens the Game, then puts the BK's on so he can cave in HHH's head proper. Eugene sees the knuckles and disqualifies Regal. Regal tries to explain the circumstances, and HHH shoves him into Eugene from behind. Regal turns around and decks HHH, but Eugene goes apeshit at the apparent attack from his ex-friend and he beats Regal up and down the place, then leaves with Evolution. Crying, sorta...
We're back, and we've got La Resistance the Tag Champs making their way to the ring. Then they make with the cheap heat by insulting Independence Day and decry America's oppressing other counties around the world. Now, a treat. They sing the Canadian Nation Anthem, and that'll be broken up by Rhyno and... Sergeant Slaughter.
Sergeant Slaughter? Shit.
Rhyno gets started early by beating all over on Conway. Knocks Rob to the corner and boots him repeatedly in the belly. Conway tries a hiptoss, but Rhyno lariats him. Grenier charges in the ring and hits Slaughter. Slaughter tries to come in, but is ejected by the referee so that LR can work a doubleteam. Grenier in there now clamping Rhyno in a chinlock. Rhyno powers to his feet and then punches free. Grenier taunts at him and lands a couple shots that stagger Rhyno, but Rhyno fires back with a few punches and a Belly to Belly Suplex. Slaughter reaches out for the tag, and he gets it. Slaughter with a series of clotheslines as he single-handedly massacres La Resistance to the approval of the crowd before clamping Conway in the Cobra Clutch. Grenier intervenes, and then Slaughter tries to put Grenier in the Clutch, but is backjumped by the quickly recovering Conway. Rhyno makes to the top buckles to try something, but is knocked off to the floor so that La Resistance can hit the Sarge with the Sidewalk Slam/Neckbreaker combo which is now dubbed 'Au Revoir'. La Resistance picks up the win to the surprise of, well, nobody.
We're back, and Eugene is getting talked to by HHH, who says it's okay to feel angry for all his supposed friends turning against him. HHH says that no one's ever gonna hurt Eugene again, because he's with Evolution now, and they'll take care of him. And they'll ALSO take care of those that hurt their friends, such as Eugene most certainly is.
And now, more Diva Search tidbits... More bikinis. Blah Blah Blah Blah. Does anyone give a shit? No, clearly not. Ross and Lawler try to shill it some, then shill Vengeance...
Now we cut to Flair thanking Bischoff for all he's done and yet to do. The Coach comes in and says that while Eric's on vacation next week, the show will be in good hands with the Coach. Eric says that it's not gonna happen because something's come up. Coach understands that he's being replaced with Flair, but Eric tells him it's not gonna be Flair, either. It'll be Eugene.
Coach has a look on his face that's pretty close to the one on mine... 'What in the pea-picking FUCK?'
We're re-explained the upcoming Main Event stipulations that all but guarantee that Kane will have the strap, but it's not gonna happen, kids... Not at all.
Commercials. The Butterfly Effect comes to DVD on the 6th of July, in case you want to throw away a twenty... I'm sure you don't, but if you DO, you could throw it MY-away. Heh...
Smackdown Rebound (10:42) shows photos of Guerrerro winning the Bullrope match and GM Angle reversing the referee's decision to make a Champ out of Bradshaw. And I look to be right about the 'inner chamber' for Pringle, since the photos showed him still talking despite being submerged in 'cement'...
Oh well, I guess it proves that Bobo's a smartie for figuring out their big gimmick, and that Percy isn't quite as stupid as he looks. Garcia calls Kane to the ring (10:45). Then Benoit comes out (10:46) and shows off the belt before making his way to the ring... He gets there (10:47) and we start the match after the referee displays the title to the crowd upside-down... They go to lock up, and Benoit knocks Kane down with a drop-kick to the leg, then continues to work on Kane's legs with kicks. He tries a Sharpshooter, but Kane shoves him off. Benoit continues the attack, but Kane shoves him into the corner for some Shoulderblocks to the midsection. Benoit responds with an armwringer, but Kane shrugs him off and the Champ falls out of the ring. (10:49)
We're back (10:52) and Benoit has Kane staggered in the corner with a series of brutal Choppy-Woos. The referee calls for the break, and Kane gets in a Giant Boot. Kane covers and gets two. Kane hauls Benoit up and sends him to the ropes, but Benoit slides between Kane's legs to avoid the clothesline, and then yanks Kane outside for a chop. Kane responds with an uppercut, and then launches Benoit overhand into the ringpost. Benoit just barely gets in before the tencount, so Kane covers him. It gets two. Kane rolls Benoit outside and tries to bounce him off the post again, but Benoit slips free and Kane eats the pole instead. Benoit then catches Kane with a Drop-toe to add some Steel Steps to Kane's high-iron diet... Benoit rolls in and demands the ref count on Kane, but the ref tells him that he can't, since Benoit can only win by Submission... Benoit looks a bit frustrated, so we'll go to -
We're back again (10:58) and Kane's got Benoit in a Reverse Chinlock after levelling him during the break with a clothesline. Benoit tries to get free, but Kane's got a good grip. Benoit surges to his feet and tries to elbow free, but Kane puts him down with an uppercut then sends him to the farside corner. Kane charges, but Benoit hits a Back Elbow and tries to go to the German Suplex. Kane elbows Benoit down, and then prepares the Chokeslam... Benoit counters with the Crossface, and after languishing in it a bit, Kane stands up with Benoit on his shoulders and dumps him in a Samoan Drop. Kane moves in to capitalize, but gets a Triple German Suplex followed by a Flying Headbutt off the top buckles. Benoit covers, but the referee doesn't count. Benoit speaks to the ref about it, but the ref expains the stips again as Kane sits up.
Benoit goes to the top again and Kane meets him there with a choke, but Benoit hangs onto his arm and then drops it across the ropes as he drops to the floor. Benoit quickly back in, and an angry Kane charges. Benoit dodges, sending Kane shoulder first into the ringpost. Kane in trouble now, so Benoit slaps on the Crossface. Kane struggles a bit, but has to tap. Benoit celebrates about three seconds before Kane low-blows him and then lays him down with a Chokeslam.
Then Lita comes out... Smiling. She grabs the belt and holds it out to Kane, who accepts it with a big smile. Then Lita raises Kane's hands and enjoins him to continue attacking Benoit, so Kane turns to do so and Lita kicks him in the ding-ding. Lita grabs the belt and prepares to crease Kane's skimmer with it as Kane gets back up, but Kane catches her coming in and is about to Chokeslam her, but thinks better of it since she's carrying his kid. He tells her that she'd better watch her fucking step from now on, or once that kid pops out it'll be her ass. Benoit has recovered in the interim and he lays Kane out with a belt-shot. The referee raises Benoit's hands as we fade to black. They'll be in Winnipeg Canada for Eugene's run as the GM next week in case you care...
Well, it was an interesting match, and they continue to make Kane the center of two of the 'big three' story-arcs, but that'll be over since now HHH is the #1 contender.
And Trips WILL be the Champ pretty damn soon. Accept it. At least Bobo won't bullshit you, right?
You're welcome. See you SOON.