Hello, my intended...
Here I am once again proving that despite my overall insightful and well-spoken intelligence - I'm still a complete idiot.
That's right, kids. Time for another Raw.
If you remember from last week, Michaels has been put out of action by Kane (according to scuttlebutt, Hickenbottom's old lady is squeezing out another kid, and he wants to be there for it - though I can't actually confirm these rumors) and much of the internet is applauding how HBK put over Kane as a 'legit' sadistic monster. Sigh. For myself, I'm just applauding HBK being off my fucking screen - and I'm not even sure he'll actually be off it. He could very well come running back in a neck brace to exact revenge on Kane in order to prove that even a half-dead HBK is more than a match for anyone on the roster, which seems a bit more in line with his established motivations.
Furthermore, to the collective groans of, well, EVERYBODY they've greenlighted a pregnancy angle with the second least likely to ever be purposely penetrated Diva, Lita. Jazz is of course the gold medalist in that category, but they're both out of the running if Moolah and Mae show back up - and they just might. I'm no obstetrician, but I'm pretty sure that being in the family way would all but preclude one from doing shitty matches, especially with sloppily 'acrobatic' offense, so I figure they'll let us off the hook by having her 'miscarry', possibly from a boot to the belly by one of the heel chicks to maybe get THEM over (and piss off any anti-abortion folks watching). This will have the added bonus of giving us many segments with Lita weeping and wailing, just in case we've gotten over any thoughts of suicide...
Then again, they COULD have Kane pull a Rumplestiltskin and swipe the kid in order to inflict the happy childhood he had on another... As you can see, there's absolutely NO way this shit can POSSIBLY be entertaining no matter what they do with it. So, why would they do it? My guess is that they're not losing fans quite as fast as they were before, and are worried that they might be fucking up the ONE thing they could actually do RIGHT.
As added enjoyment, HHH will be facing His Good Friend Eugene in the
Main Event. This can go four ways, and I'll help the bookmakers by assigning
odds...
You'll note that none of these results in Gene winning, which I
think is probably the last thing they'd ever do (250 to 1). Before anyone
complains, do remember that HHH jobbed to the negro and yet Shelton isn't
exactly a headliner because of it. HHH absolutely MUST defeat the very
popular and well-liked Gene in as brutal a fashion as possible in order
to get back any of his old heel heat, which is of course the whole point
of this little soiree'. The fans are tired of hearing HHH bitch and moan
for twenty minutes at a time about how 'lucky' people can get and would
just as soon avoid such a thing, thank you very much.
This of course sets me up for them to pull a Benoit on me in order to get some sort of revenge for my proving Vince is a Pussy... In case you've forgotten, I'll pull up the line in question from 4-19-04:
There's only ONE way to make Bobo Quite Fiendish Esquire be Wrong, Vince - and he says you don't have the BALLS to bury your son-in-law OR your alleged Boy Toy.
How about THAT, Mr. Genetic Jackhammer? You still wanna go round and round? Huh? Let's see what you got, then.
Or, as the Champ would say, "Prove me wrong."
That is, if you got the MARBLES.
Let's keep it fair, though... If HHH or HBK gets the title before, say, the end of the year; you're a Pussy. If Benoit holds it against all comers until the end of the year; I'll issue a full apology, pronounce you a Goddamn Genius, and QUIT.
Oh, and to keep you honest:
I'm confident that you can't fucking do it, Vince. I just bet the farm on it.
Because that's how big MY marbles are.
So, in conclusion, Vince is indeed a Pussy, and his marbles are far smaller than Bobo's. This wasn't really in question, mind, since Bobo doesn't use steroids, but it's nice to prove myself a jet-fuel genius now and then...
HHH will become the Number One Contender to face Benoit tonight, and he will subsequently take back 'his' title for another 6-12 month run now that it has a bit of meaning/prestige to it. This will be followed by boring twenty minute gloat sessions every week about how he 'always wins in the end', until they're back wrestling in school gyms again - and blaming football for the losses in viewership.
Tonight's Raw will be coming at us from Miami, Florida, and in the 10 minutes of Star Trek to go segment they speak of HBK's potential career ending injury, and remind us of the HHH versus Eugene Main Event. It's a pretty short segment, shorter than they usually put out there, even, so I'm not holding out much hope for a stellar show.
Bischoff's smirking picture is booed, then we launch into a recap of last week's important events, including HHH 'gaming up' Eugene, with extra shots of Regal looking grimly on. Standard Raw Intro. Regal just might make the turn tonight and this would be the perfect time for it, too...
We launch into another quick replay of HBK being wheeled out, and are promised that we'll have an update on his condition in case we care.
The Rock comes out, and the crowd goes bugshit. I didn't expect this one, myself, so I guess they're filming another movie in Florida or something... Rock soaks in the poppage, and Ross tells us that this is Rock's home town to explain his being here.
Rock gets a mic and tells us the FINALLY catchphrase after a couple minutes more of basking in hometown love. Then he basks in it some more. He explains he didn't come by himself, and tells us he's brought his friends and family, who are in the front row - even pointing out his 'fine-ass wife', and telling us that there's two other guys he's got to recognize, Zack Thomas and Jason Taylor. He puts over their accomplishments a bit, then makes fun that despite making $20 million a year, they're sporting free Nike gear and calling him collect.
Rock then explains that he wants them to bring a Super Bowl this year, and then explains that there's another guy in the back that Rock calls friend, and it's Eugene. Rock wants to explain some important stuff to Eugene, and asks him to come out...
Orton comes out. Rock has a look on him like, 'No, the OTHER retard.' Orton grabs a mic and mugs the smuggish before telling Rock that he hates to break it to him, but Gene is with HHH, and HHH will be personally bringing Gene to the ring tonight... The crowd calls Orton an asshole.
Orton explains he's happy that Rock's there, since they never really had a chance to talk - since the only time he's really been around Rock, it was whipping his ass at WMXX, and then says that Rock is yesterday's news, and he's been replaced with a new third-generation superstar who is better looking, younger and blahblahblah.
Rock calls Orton an asshole to agree with his fans. Rock also remembers meeting his daddy Cowboy Bob Orton back in the day, and that his daddy Rocky Johnson whooped his ass. Moreover, his grandpa whipped Orton's grampy's ass. Randy says that the fans know who the Man is, and it ain't Rock anymore... Rock dredges up how they met as kids, and Randy was playing with My Pretty Ponies, and that he promised Randy's daddy that someday he'd be whipping his son's candy ass. He offers to do just that tonight, and Randy takes off his suit-jacket before he begs off... Rock explains that all these people paid good hard-earned money to see Rock whip Randy's ass. Randy tells him 'not today', so Rock tells him it won't be today... It'll be tonight. Then he whips Randy's ass.
Eric comes out and has Rock escorted from the arena, and promises to have Rock arrested if he resists. Rock agrees to leave so that he doesn't get arrested in his home town, and he makes fun of the security team and tells Eric 'You're having the Rock tossed out in the Rock's home town? No wonder WCW went out of business'... Funny, I don't remember him doing that when he ran WCW, but now's not the time for facts!
He leaves, talking shit all the way out, and de-wigs Molly. And calls Helms and Rosey 'Hamburglar and Grimace', and tries to get Coach to smile before clowning him on the high-five. As he hits the door, he guarantees Eugene will be whipping HHH's ass. Orton is back in the ring and asks that someone shut up Rock. ROck tells him that in 3 seconds, Orton will be feeling something and he counts it down... 3... 2... 1...
Edge Spears Orton out of his shoes, and then leaves all smiling and shit...
Commercials.
Eric is talking to Wayne the security guard, and he wants to make sure the Rock's not getting back in here. Wayne tells him it's not a problem, and then Benoit comes up and tries to get Eugene out of his ass-whipping for HHH to be the #1 Contender, telling him that he's more than willing to face HHH without having Eugene get massacred. Eric tells him to mind his business, or else.
'Or else?' asks an incredulous Benoit.
Well, since he's already shown he has no problem tossing Superstars out, and he's willing to do it again. So scram.
Now, some wrestling... Victoria faces Trish for the title. They lock up, and Vic goes to a waistlock, which she chains into a schoolboy for two. Trish and she back up to a vertical base, and Vic hits a scoop slam, followed by a Standing Moonsault. Trish bails outside. Vic follows her. Tomco moves in as Trish gets back into the ring. Vic makes sure Tomco doesn't come at her, so Trish gets in a smack that knocks Vic off the apron and into the barricade. Vic gets back in and eats a few kicks. Trish makes fun of Vic's bootyshaking, and Vic schoolboys her for two. Trish responds with a Spinebuster, followed by a Headlock. They brawl back and forth, with Victoria getting the upper hand and laying Trish down with a Spinning Sidewalk Slam, which she follows up with VERY stiff Superkick followed a Moonsault from the top. Vic covers, but Tomco grabs Trish's leg and shakes her loose. Then Trish pins Vic using the ropes, and that'll end it. Tomco enters the ring, and Vic cautiously tries to turn and leave, so she's backjumped by Trish. Suddenly, some dude in a red wig yanks Vic out of the ring to safety, and throws 'her' shoes into the ring.
I'm pretty sure the 'lovely lady' is Rock, but they don't get too close with the cameras...
We go into a promo piece for the New Diva Search reality show, and then -
Commercials. Spider-Man 2 will be making a HUGE amount of money, and some of it will indeed be from Bobo...
Still to come, Jericho and Edge will face Orton and Batista... But first, let's replay all the gruesome footage of HBK being devastated by Kane. This gives me a chance to get another drink, since I've already recapped this ridiculous shit a couple times...
Ross and Lawler explain that Shawn suffered a crushed larynx and other damage, and is home convalescing. It'll be quite a while before HBK will be back, kids, or so they say.
Regal comes into Eric's office, and tries to plead Eugene's case. Regal explains that despite being a dirty scoundrel - he loves that kid, and Eric should be fucking ashamed of himself. Eric explains that he has to be rid of Gene, and there's no better way to demoralize him and make him quit than by having his favorite wrestler beat him like a drum. Regal gets in his face and Eric responds by putting Regal back on the active roster, and his match will be next... Money says it's against Kane...
Commercials.
Regal's back in the ring, still wearing his street clothes... Yes, of course Kane comes out. Never doubt Bobo. Regal clocks Kane coming in, and makes with a series of brawlies to get an early start before the bell. Regal goes outside the ring to press the advantage and Kane tosses Regal across the outside, and then flings him against the apron chokeslam style, then kicks his head in. Regal's out cold on the floor, and Kane leaves all happy and shit without the match even starting.
Commercials. No shit, really. It was forty seconds tops, and then more commercials. That's just wrong, huh?
We get a replay of Regal's thrashing, and the we go to Kane in Eric's office asking him, "Is that what you wanted?"
Eric assures him it was, and as a reward for his professionalism, he'll be facing Benoit for the title next week. Kane tells him it's great, but he's just getting started tonight... He chuckles a little and strides off, leaving Eric looking a little uncomfortable...
Now we go into another promo piece for the Raw Diva Search to eat up some more time, and Coach is part of the judging panel to help totally invalidate the process...
Then it seems Evolution will be coming out for a Tag Team Main Event... At 9:57... Do main events happen halfway into the show, or do they plan this and HHH's match to be the rest of the show?
At 9:58, Edge's intro begins, and he's back to being from Toronto, Canada... He bounces around at the top of the ramp a bit, and we're given a replay of Rock's countdown to Orton being speared. Then at 9:59 we start Y2J's intro... The ribs are no longer taped, and as he reaches the ring we're warned that we'll be in Richmond Virginia next week...
Edge and Orton start off. Orton talks some shit, and then tags in Dave. Dave charges and eats some punches which he no-sells before clubbing Edge with a forearm, putting him in the corner for a kneelift, and then another forearm. He bulls Edge to the heel corner, and Randy is tagged back in. He smacks on Edge, but Edge gets himself back together and beats all up and down Orton's ass. He hits a vicious lariat after some brawlies, which he tops off with a Vertical Suplex. It gets two. Orton gets the tag and then Dave bounces Edge off the turnbuckles, and then tosses him around a little. He hits a clothesline on Edge in the corner, and tries another in the opposite corner, but is drop-toed into the buckles.
Edge tags Jericho, and Chris knocks Dave on his ass. He tries for the Walls, but Dave kicks free. So Jericho hits the Facebuster, then the Lionsault. He covers, and gets two before Orton saves Dave. Edge back in there for some all-four-at-once. Orton gets dropkicked outside, then Edge hits a baseball slide. During the confusion, Dave gets back in the ring and lariats Jericho inside out, and then slams him to the mat. Jericho is unconscious... The trainers run out, and Jericho looks a bit on the purple side in his face... I hope Dave hasn't Goldberged Jericho, here.
Commercials.
Jericho is unable to continue, but Edge elected to continue fighting alone. He's currently being choked to the mat by Orton with a Reverse Chinlock. They go to a few shots of Dave at the apron looking a bit worrieder than being on the good side of a handicap match would make them, so he may have just realized he fucked up pretty bad in there...
Orton misses a dropkick and Edge tries to crawl back to his feet. Orton tags in Dave, who scoops Edge up for a slam. Edge counters with the inverted X-Factor. Dave tags Randy back in, and he and Edge brawl back and forth. Orton falls down, so Dave charges in and beats on Edge. Edge doles out Spears to Evolution in the corner. Edge manages to dump Dave outside, and then fights loose of the RKO to sit Randy down with another Spear. He covers Orton, but Dave makes the save at two, and then hits Edge with the Sitout Powerbomb. Randy picks a completely out of it Edge up, tells him 'Bad Move' and then RKOs him. Evolution wins...
We go to another promo for the Diva Search, this time with swimsuits, dancing, and singing...
Then it seems that WWe put together a list of issues that are important to the 18-30 crowd and want Bush and Kerry to respond to them. They also remind us that our vote is important, which is pretty funny considering they're in Florida, huh?
Commercials.
Stacy's walking around in the back, and she comes across Matt. She congratulates Matt on being a dad and offers all the help she can. Matt asks her (on camera) if she can keep a secret, and shows her that he's got a ring for Lita. He asks she keep it quiet, and then walks off. Stacy looks kinda happy, probably because at least it's not HER being pregnant this time...
Smackdown Update will be Undertaker facing the Dudleys at the Great American Bash, and Heyman is sure that UT will 'do the right thing' or else Paul Bearer gets the concrete swim.
A limo comes up, and Gene, Flair and HHH come out. Gene goes through Flair's tagline, and then tells Gene he'll get to get suited up in Evolution's dressing room. Gene is happy and capers off. Flair and HHH exchange knowing glances, and HHH then says 'I'm going to enjoy this more than anything else in my LIFE.'
....Uh oh.
Commercials.
Hardy comes to the ring, and the Matt Fact is he's been ecstatic this past week... He reminds us that we just celebrated Father's Day, and this year it's taken on a whole new meaning for him. He then calls Lita - the mother of his child - to the ring (no pun intended). He holds the ropes open for her, and they share a peck. Hardy then tells her he loves her, and she made him happy as shit when she said they were gonna be a family. He takes a knee, then fishes out the box and pops the question...
Lita is happy, but before she answers, Kane calls out to her. He says before she answers, there's something she should tell Matt... It's not his baby. It's Kane's. Hardy flips out and calls him a fucking liar. Kane says if Hardy doesn't believe him, he should ask Lita - then chuckles. Hardy is beside himself, but tries to regroup and then turns to a now weeping Lita... Hardy's face falls off. Lita continues weeping inconsolably, and Hardy has a fucking aneurism.
So does Bobo. Why on EARTH did they go the fucking RAPE ANGLE? WHYWHYWHYWHY?
Boy, that Kane'll fuck anything, huh? Though he didn't bag as nice a bit of trim this time as Katie was, you've still gotta admire a guy with no standards.
Commercials.
Hardy's walking off and Lita's trying to get Matt to understand that she only slept with Kane to protect him from Kane. She then says that the baby 'might' be his. Matt seems incredulous, and then keeps walking. Lita breaks down sobbing.
And now, some more Diva Search tidbits... Thanks fellas, I needed to go take a piss.
Then we've got Evolution surrounding Gene in the back, and HHH asks Gene - since they're friends - to take it a little easy on him, since he's all banged up from the HitC thing. Eric comes in, and HHH makes a big fuss about how Gene's with Evolution now, so he can fucking forget his plans to get Gene maimed. HHH then sends Gene ahead so he can finish his conversation with Uncle Eric. Gene goes, and then they have a big laugh about what an idiot Eugene is.
.........Uh oh.
Commercials. Smackdown's coming to Philly on the 20th, huh? Fuck that.
Gene comes to the ring, but the pop's piped in. I can understand them not being to enthused, considering all the shit the Miami crowd's sat through so far. In fact, I'm surprised there hasn't been a riot.
HHH comes to the ring next (10:49). He and Gene both do the spit-take on the apron, since they're buddies and all... Flair shakes both of their hands for some reason, and then HHH gets a hug from Gene. HHH offers a handshake. Gene takes it. Then they lock up, and HHH hits a hipblock takeover. He follows it with a side headlock. Gene shoves loose and downs HHH with a hiptoss. HHH looks a bit surprised, but soon goes to a Headlock, which he chains to a hammerlock, then a reverse chinlock. Gene powers free and tosses HHH across the ring. HHH gapes in amazement as Gene does the Hogan schtick.
HHH comes in, and Gene puts him in a MercyLock. HHH screams as Gene crushes his mitts. Flair jumps on the apron, so he gets a crushed mitt too. HHH back up, and they go to a waistlock. Gene counters with a go-behind and then a Backdrop Suplex. HHH bails to the outside to collect himself as Gene plays airplane in the ring. HHH looks at Gene somewhat shocked, and Gene motions him to return to the ring.
Even money bet looking strong so far, but it's still too early to tell for sure. Option two is already a loser, though... More to come after some -
Commercials.
We're back, and Gene is laying in a series of arm-drags which he caps off with an arm-bar. HHH gets to the corner and Gene gives him a clean break at three. HHH tells Gene that he hurt his arm. Gene apologizes. HHH suckerpunches him. He continues to punch in Gene's dome, and then kicks him while he's down. Gene's trying to get back up, so HHH picks him up and lays in a couple haymakers, then LAUNCHES him into the corner.
Gene trying to get up, so HHH fish hooks him and then bounces him off the opposite corner. Gene's back up, and HHH sends him to the ropes for a Back Body Drop. Gene puts on the brakes and kicks HHH in the mush. HHH responds with a Spinebuster, which gets two. HHH throttles Gene on the ropes a bit, then distracts the ref so Flair can choke him too. Then HHH lays a knee on his head for some more choking, then Flair gets in some gouging. Gene's staggered into the corner, and HHH bounces him off the turnbuckles a couple times. Gene might be losing it, Hogan-style, and he lays in a six punch combo on the Game, followed by a Manhattan Drop, Atomic Drop, and Airplane Spin. HHH flounces about on the mat, and Gene goes to the top and hits a Double Axehandle. HHH bounces back up and hooks in the Pedigree. Gene counters with a Back Body Drop. HHH back up, and he gets Rock Bottomed, then People's Elbowed.
HHH rolls outside. Gene rolls him back in. Flair tries to get in a shot, and Gene decks him. Gene back in the ring, and HHH hits the Pedigree. He then pins Gene. Eric tells him that he didn't want him to just BEAT Gene, he wanted him to destroy Gene - and if he doesn't get going already, he can forget his title shot. HHH bails out the ring and gets a chair. He goes back into the ring to lay waste to Gene with it, and Benoit runs out to make the save. He fights Evolution off, and then swings the chair at HHH. Hunter ducks. Gene doesn't. Benoit's stunned at the fuckup, and HHH hits him with the lowblow followed by the Pedigree. Benoit and Gene are flat on their asses, and HHH stands victorious.
Even money bet wins. Never bet against the house, kids... It's a helpful hint from your old buddy Bobo.
You're welcome. See you SOON.
Commercials.