Hello, my intended...
You know, I was looking over the folder where I store my copies of the articles I've typed up to date, and of the 93 of them there are 43 that are Raw Recaps (including 9 recaps I did for MNS - and not including this one)... Two or three more of them are PPV recaps, plus that CZW show I went to for Christmas last year. It'd probably be more, but I still haven't gotten the proper address to send further MNS contributions, and apparently whomever handles it doesn't <a href="http://www.theringpost.com/cgi-bin/viewcol.cgi?category=2&id=1086059161">read me</a>... Sigh. Just so you know, I never ONCE planned to be 'the Recap Guy' around here.
Not that I'm BITTER or anything... Naaah.
In all honesty, they seem to be settling into a groove for these shows: one good, one suck, repeat. Sure, I'd like to have them extend either of their streaks a little bit so I don't feel like I'm on a rollercoaster quite as much, but I do remember when they had quite a streak going - in 2002 - and am NOT interested in them repeating THAT. Neither are the stockholders... If there are any left besides Bradshaw, that is.
And speaking of the poor man's Stan Hansen, they're putting him in the main event of a PPV again? Listen, just because most of the bloodthirsty fucks online liked how Eddy bled buckets, you shouldn't really equate that with a 'Main Event Material' endorsement for the fag half of APA. Eddy's been MEM for years, and only JUST getting his due. Too bad it's opposite such a boring stiff, huh? Honestly, what's Justin Hawk still got? A clothesline? Ah, I see, it's from HELL... Yes, I suppose that IS different, considering there's actually a Hell, Texas and so forth... Guess he probably COULD go an hour, at that. Heh.
Is Smackdown THAT starved for a decent heel that they'd need this Smiling Texas Shitkicker to step up? Let us never again DARE think that 'being from Texas' is enough to get people lining up to lay down their hard earned dollar, folks. This ain't the goddamn SEVENTIES, anymore, and if you still don't 'get' how NOBODY wants to let their babies grow up to be cowboys, I'd be happy to pull up the domestic box office for 'The Alamo'. For chrissakes, you people turned Booker T heel, why not let HIM wrestle Eddy? Oh, right, that would probably be ENTERTAINING.
Oh well... I don't really care about Smackdown, since I saw it last week or so. I see that I'm not really missing anything by skipping it. Yeah, sure, the Dudleyz are heels again (about four years too late, sadly) and they kidnapped Paul Bearer or something so that Undertaker can beat both of their asses at once and finish their heat forever. Been There. Done That. Didn't want the T-Shirt. I'm not really sure what else is happening over there on the Thursday show, but it's been a long time since they even had anyone on the roster that I could really enjoy watching work enough to sit through all the other bullshit.
Yeah, I know, Cena-Cena-Cena... Blah Blah Blah. When he first dressed up as Vanilla Ice for their Halloween Special and commenced to spittin', I'll admit I was astonished by his skillful staccaco riff. Now? There are douchebags in black turtlenecks hanging out in coffee-houses that got better 'riddim' - and faster cadence, to boot! I wouldn't mind him 'dumbing it down' for the people mind you, but when it's pretty much about two minutes to wait between cock-jokes, you don't exactly have a 'hit' on your hands - though, amusingly enough, it does RHYME with 'hit'. How's THAT for word life, Johnny C? Yahurd.
Oh well, basically, I guess I'm saying 'Fuck Smackdown'... There, that wasn't so hard, right?
In other news, my wing is getting better with the physical therapy, and I might not be on the shelf for much longer - if the company doctor has his way, especially. Don't worry, though, considering I make my fucking living with my hands - and I've already had problems from them 'rushing me back', I'm not gonna be fool enough for it to happen again. I get the vibe as if they feel like I'm bullshitting about being hurt, or something. God knows I do my job, and I even do more than is called for to make certain it's a showpiece when I'm finished; so when I'm getting the same 'yeah, okay' attitude that they give to the usual frauds and goldbrickers, it sorta rankles. I went three years without a fucking accident, and even THAT one was when some shithead KID rear-ended my truck on the way home, so you can (hopefully) understand that allusions to the effect of 'oh, the weather's getting nice, so now EVERYBODY's gonna want to take a vacation' bother the living SHIT out of me.
And it is WITH this state of agitation that I steel myself for tonight's Raw... Let's see if they make it better or worse, shall we?
Tonight's Raw is coming at us from Albany, New York. The Main Events: Batista vs. Shelton Benjamin. Hey, nice to see the new kids get a go at the top of the card... what's the catch? Randy Orton versus Shawn Michaels. Sigh. I'd hope that Flair/HHH didn't screwjob either/both finishes, but as stupid an ass as I am, I'll NEVER be THAT stupid an ass. Uncle Eric and Boy Monday are booed with vigor. Standard Raw Intro.
We open with shilling for Bad Blood, courtesy of Ross and Lawler. Stacy Kiebler comes out in a pink dress with black trim. Is that a poodle skirt? Sweet Chin Jesus. She wants to remind us that the window for getting in on the New Raw Diva deal is gonna close tomorrow at midnight. Then she leaves. The crowd goes nuts for her just coming in and out of the ring, but it's interrupted by Gail Kim coming to the ring a bit early for her match with Lita. Kim says Stacy can show how to a Diva is, but Gail will be showing how the next Women's Champion is in the ring.
They chase each other around some, and Lita gets a couple of lariats in the corners, but Kim drops her neck across the ropes with a Drop-Toe. The tide is turned, and Kim works on Lita's neck and left leg. She covers, but only gets two. So she covers again for likewise. Kim resorts to a Cross Leg submission, and then just decides to bounce Lita's leg off the ringpost a bit. Lita falls out the ring, so Kim works her over outside and leaves her there. Kim finally takes off her jacket as Lita tries to get back up.
Lita's back in by about eight, and Kim grabs her leg. Lita feeds her the Enzuigiiri, and then hotshots Kim into the top of the ringpost. Kim puts Lita in a Seated Leg Grapevine (sort of an Indian Deathlock, but using the legs to apply it). Lita manages to get to the ropes for the break, and the next thing you know Lita PLANTS her with a DDT for the win.
In the office, Eric is congratulating Coach on his 'undefeated PPV streak' and is hoping he continues it against Eugene at Bad Blood. Boy Monday says something about how if Coach loses by DQ, Eric might have the same look on his face he did when Kane lost last week. Boy Monday then pantomines Eric taking a HUGE shit, more or less. Eric puts Boy Monday in a match against Eugene tonight, and if Boy Monday loses, then Donald Trump will sue them...
Batista and Flair come down the ramp, which makes me wonder how many Main Events occur fifteen minutes into a two-hour show... None. Right. Dave flexes a bit for the crowd with his best Sunday scowlies on. Nobody cares.
Shelton Benjamin comes out next, and if his music wasn't so loud I'd be able to tell you if the crowd popped. Bell rings, and Dave comes in on SB, but gets a couple punches to the head. Dave no-sells and pushes Benjamin to the corner for some brawlies, then throws him into another corner for some more brawlies... Then throws him into ANOTHER corner, and runs right into a drop-toe into the middle buckle. Shelton with some offense, but Dave puts a stop to it with a Body Slam, followed by a Suplex. He tries a second one, but Shelton slips loose and clamps a rear-naked choke on Dave. Dave fades a little, then basically shrugs him off. Benjamin counters Dave coming in with a Jawbreaker, and then a Dropkick to the thigh and a couple Shelton Splashes. Flair hops onto the apron, and Shelton knocks him off. Dave uses the distraction to get in a Spinebuster. Orton runs out to back up the rest of the team, distracting the ref from counting SB's cover on Dave. Dave tries to get SB into the powerbomb, but SB fights free and rides Dave down to the mat. Orton jumps onto the apron, but Shelton hops up and knocks his block off. Dave uses the second distraction to lariat Benji inside out and apply the Sitout Powerbomb for the Evolution win. Flair and Orton jump into the ring and the three of them work Benjamin over, capping it off with Orton belt-shotting Shelton into oblivion as Dave and Flair hold him.
Benoit's taping up in the back, and Edge is there. Chris asks if Eric's gonna give them a rematch for the tag straps, but Eric wasn't available. Benoit says, "Bischoff's a guy that deserves to get speared." Edge takes umbrage. Chris tries to explain that he didn't mean that he was still feeling some sort of way about Edge costing them the belts, and the Edge says, "Well, Bischoff is one guy that actually WOULD tap out in the Crossface." Benoit takes umbrage. Coach comes up out of one of the lockers and tells them that Bischoff's not to happy about Benoit interfering with the Eugene thing, so tonight Edge has the night off, and Benoit will be in a handicap match.
Cut to Rock and some award show or other.
Cut back to the office, and Eric gives Tyson a match against Jericho, and Trish starts hinting about how Lita's been this and that. Kane busts in and after going nose to nose with Trish's problem solver for some heavy breathing, has them scram so he can confab with Bischoff alone... To his credit, Tomco didn't flinch, which I guess puts him over a bit as a contender without actually having him wrestle until the PPV...
Jericho's coming out with taped ribs for a match. God knows why. I wonder who he'll face...?
FUUUUUCK! NOT HIM!
Train opens up with a series of slow kneelifts into Jericho's belly in the corner, then some really slow brawling. Jericho bounds around a bit to get some offense in, but Train gives him a Press Slam, followed by a Backbreaker and a Kneeling Backbreaker Submission. Jericho starts kicking Train in the legs to slow him down some more, then gets in a Drop-Toe on Train to dump him neckfirst into the ropes for a quick Bossman Rush from Jericho. Jericho goes to the ropes as Train gets up, and before he gets in Train picks him up in a Hanging Choke and then the Baldo Bomb. It only gets two. Jericho manages to put A-Train in the Walls and gets the win...
Smackdown rebound shows how the Dudleyz have Undertaker by the short and curlies... They want him to join them, or Paul and the Urn get it. Oh, and JBL's choice of stipulation is 'Texas Bullrope Match'.
HHH comes to the ring all slow, in a suit. Ross is anxious to hear the Game's Final Remarks (all twenty minutes of them) before the HitC... Lawler accuses Ross of trying to put the whammy on HHH, forgetting that if Ross had ANY whammy at all he'd use it to get his face moving again...
Commercials. Here's hoping Levesque has gotten to the ring before they're over. Fuck. Another 'urban comedy' based on black folks mixing into white culture. The catch? This time the Wayan's will be doing do as 'White Chicks'. If you spend a CENT on this movie, you're officially a fucking fag-boy's lollipopper.
HHH is talking about how he's gonna be up in the Skybox watching how Orton's gonna destroy HBK tonight... He then speaks about how despite all Michaels' prayers, HHH has never lost a HitC, and will furthermore stop at nothing to end end Shawn's career... Blah Blah Blasphemy Blah.
As if that wasn't enough, we get Lawler running out a clipshow montage of 'everything HHH has done to Michaels' as HHH makes his way to said Skybox.
Ross responds with a montage of all the shit Michaels has done to HHH as HHH gets to the Skybox and has a sit-down... Some matrat brings him a bit of cheese on a big red napkin, and he insists on eating it out of her hand... God I wish I was kidding... Wait, no, I don't - Steph is probably watching!
La Resistance comes to the ring for a handicap match, I suppose against Benoit. Sigh. We replay Edge fucking up everything and costing them the titles... Conway tries to steal Nikolai Volkoff's act by singing the Canadian National Anthem, sort of... It's interrupted by Benoit's intro.
Benoit comes to the ring with his remaining strap, and HHH is joined in the Skybox by Flair and Dave. Probably because it's air-conditioned, right Ric? Just like Florida... (hint hint)
Grenier starts off, but Benoit Armdrags him. He then tells Conway to get in too, and Conway does. They work a doubleteam on Benoit in the corner a bit, but Benoit chops free as the ref puts Grenier out to the apron. Conway stomps on Benoit as the fans chant 'USA' for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night...
Tag to Conway, who whips Benoit chest first into the corner and then takes him down with a rear naked choke. Tag to Conway, who beats on Benoit brawlie style as the fans chant 'USA' again... Tag to Grenier, who lays in a series of Kneelifts before winging Benoit shoulder first into the post. He the rolls Benoit onto the apron, and puts him into a Full Nelson using the ropes. Assisted leverage by Conway. They work over Benoit's arm some more, even using the Waterwell Pump Armbreaker. Benoit's ass is in big trouble, so Edge runs out to make the save. He beats La Resistance's asses and sends them packing.
Eric comes out and says since Edge involved himself in Chrises' handicap match, then he can stay - but it'll STILL be a handicap match, as La Resistance is to be joined by Kane. Oh, and Benoit and Edge get their rematch, just not tonight...
Commercials. Full Spectrum Warrior should show kids how much fun they can have fighting for their lives on foreign land... Then their Uncle DUBYA can show them how much better the graphics are I.R.L...
Conway with a Chinlock on Edge, and during the break, Kane put Edge through the steel steps and rolled him into the Faux Canadian's clutches... Edge gets to his feet, and Conway whips him to the ropes. Edge with a Cross Body, but Conway still manages to put Edge back in that Chinlock. Edge fades down, down, no, he's back up. Ross comments on how it's not fair that Benoit's all beat up for his title match. Lawler says, "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all his impersonators would be dead," to show how much he loooooves his cousin Wayne...
In the meantime, all hell's broke loose in the ring. Edge is flattened outside the ring with La Resistance, and Kane's in the Crossface. Kane won't quit, and eventually powers free and lays Benoit down with the Chokeslam for the win.
Commercials. Birdman Lugz. Cooo. Kids, it just doesn't get any fucking funnier than knowing that commercial cost about 3 million bucks.
Coach is coming to the ring for some reason... Oh, wait, he's coming to the announce table to discuss the Diva Contest with the two old fucks, and generally scout out his PPV competition...
As if on cue, Eugene comes out to the ring - this time accompanied by Regal. Gene could use better music. This one sounds like a High School band in a basement tuning up...
Then Nitro comes out to the ring. We replay Bischoff ripping off Trump's ripping off Vince McMahon, and Ross says Eric's got better hair than Trump to puzzle the shit out of me...
Eugene out-wrestles Nitro, and then puts Jonny in a BodyScissor Roll (like Terry Funk used to do back in the olden times) and a couple Raised Seat Plants from out of the old Peter Falk movie 'All The Marbles'. Gene's taking over, and now apes the late JYD for a little crawling and the gee-whiz spot. Jonny tries to charge back to a vertical base, but is put into the Airplane Spin and then dumped down for the Eugene Win...
Coach has a hissyfit, and eventually falls off the side of the announce-platform. He swears to scratch Eugene's eyes out at the PPV, or something... I don't really care anymore when Coach talks, or about anything he talks about... Do you?
Back from the commercials as Lawler talks about Evolution in the Lux-YOUR-ious Skybox to watch HBK and Orton... But first, let's run down the matches for the Bad Blood show that nobody on God's Green Earth is going to buy, shall we?
Back to Lita talking to Matt on her cell, and it seems that she'll be fighting for the Women's Title at Bad Blood... She's not sure why, but they've changed the match. Kane is why. He's also behind her. He told her he did it so that after Bad Blood they could both be Champions. Lita demands, "I thought you said this was over!"
Kane leans in really close and tells her, "I lied." Then he sniffs in her fear a bit and marches off all chuckling and shit... Scared yet?
Of COURSE not.
Orton comes to the ring and gets a standing ovation from Evolution in the Skybox, which makes the amount of people on their feet for Randy about... Yeah, three. Good. You're paying attention. So pay attention to these -
We're back at 10:41 as Randy is being toasted Caesar style by his three Evolution buddies... Michaels finally comes out, which means this match should get started in another five minutes or so... Michaels pauses to pray, or something, on the ramp, and then gets into the ring. Orton charges in to get a headstart with some brawling, but Michaels gets the upper hand and sends him flying out the ring for a time-out. Orton gets back in, and HBK beats on him a bit. HBK with an Irish Whip into the Corner, which he follows in so he can eat Shawn's boot. They brawl around some more and Orton staggers into the opposite corner, Michaels charges in to capitalize, and Orton leaps aside so HBK can shoulder tackle the Steel Post. Orton goes for the arm and shoulders a bit with various restholds, then sends HBK to the ropes for a Back Body Drop, but HBK counters with a Swinging Neckbreaker and then backs Orton up into the corner for some Choppy-Woo. HBK then tosses Orton out of the ring, and Orton seems to have landed badly, and is favoring his left elbow.
Michaels follows him out, and beats on him some more before rolling him back in. HBK takes to the top buckle for a Double Axehandle, but Orton kicks him in the chest on the way down. HBK in trouble, and Orton works a Full Arm Drag and Twist, then hits a Single-Arm DDT. It gets two. HBK makes for the corner, and Orton follows him in to make with some stomping in the belly. HBK battles back with a series of right hand shots, since the left is in trouble and all, then puts Orton in the Figure Four.
Orton makes it to the ropes, and HBK breaks the hold at four. HBK catches the just standing back up Orton in the old KNeecrusher, and then stomps on Orton's inner thigh and knee as Randy tries to crawl out of the ring.
Randy staggers up to his feet as HBK makes kissyfaces to the fellas in Evolution, then HBK mounts Orton for a series of punches in the corner... Orton staggers, so HBK comes off the ropes for momentum. Orton tries for the Manhattan Drop, but HBK punches him in the face. Orton responds with an Irish Whip to ricochet HBK off the steel ringpost. Yes, again. HBK and Orton are down, and while they are HHH sends Dave to the ring...
We're almost back at 10:55, when they show us one last shill for Bad Blood... Then at 10:56, we have Dave at ringside to watch Orton getting his head punched in REAL close... Orton manages to toss HBK out the ring, and Dave quickly caroms him off the barrier. HBK is bloodied up, and Orton lays in a couple extra shots to send the front row RUNNING to the doctor's for a Hepatitis Test...
Orton then restarts the ten-count and then bounces HBK off the steps before rolling him into the ring for a cover. It gets two. Michaels fighting back, but Orton flings him into the corner chest first and then takes him over with a Vertical Suplex. Orton tops it all off with a Standing Dropkick that send HBK sprawling, but the Figure Four is still lingering, so Orton can't cover fast enough. HBK kicks out at two.
Orton works on the shoulder a bit before sending Michaels to the ropes. HBK catches him with a Flying Forearm, and both men are down. The ref gets to eight before HBK kips up and just beats Orton's ass all over the place with brawlies before topping it off with a Flying Elbow to the chest from the top buckles. Michaels starts striking up the band, so Batista comes in to stop him. Randy's disqualified. Batista eats the Superkick as Orton gets a chair. HBK knocks the chair away and then Superkicks Orton flat.
Then HBK starts beating Orton like a dog with the chair, all the while staring at HHH in the Skybox. HBK leaves the ring, knocking down a Security guy as he goes... Flair meets HBK halfway, and is punched out of the way so HBK and HHH can tear up the Skybox as we fade to black...
All in all, a good final match with excellent storytelling, but it all goes to shit for the screwjob finish... Look for the same to happen at Bad Blood.
I won't, though... Hell with it. Even with Benoit in two matches, it's gonna suck. Save your money, kids... That's the tip from your old buddy, Bobo.
You're welcome. See you SOON.