Not Very Memorable
Originally Posted 5-31-04

Hello, my intended...

Once again, I'm back here to watch Raw (against my better judgement) and tell you about it (to show off my better judgement). The fact that I do this for no pay and of my own free will is likely gonna be used as (additional) evidence to declare me incompetent one of these days, but why worry about the future? It's too late once it gets here.

But I digress...

In case you care, the wing is healing up nicely, though still not at a quick enough pace for my taste. The docs are still a bit puzzled that the wing hurts a bit more than usual on Tuesdays for reasons they can't discern. It's not like I tell them LIES, though; I just say, "I dunno, Doc. I'm not doing anything different than I usually do." We're hopeful that the physical therapy will have me back in workshape by 6/10...

Now to business... I would like to extend a heartfelt Happy Memorial Day to those who have served and presently DO serve in the military, and I really regret that the WWe is probably gonna do another cheeseball montage to 'show how much they care about the troops'. Between that and giving them this next PPV (Bad Blood, ironically enough) for free, I think the soldiers would more appreciate it if VKM and the crew would just fly a flag and leave them alone. They've got enough to worry about from Dubya using their deaths for a photo-op without Vince doing the same.

I mean, honestly, when the last real nod to the stars-and-bars in the place was Hogan as 'Mr. America', you gotta wonder about the sincerity of these 'shows of support'... Unless you're not stupid, in which case you recognize it as the tasteless, ghoulish opportunism that it is.

Consider their 'go-to' guy for the flag-waving a second... Bradshaw. Now look at Bradshaw, who is currently trying to single-handedly revive the old James Garner flick 'The Wheeler Dealers' and use it as a heel character. Yes, villains are ALWAYS who we want to tell us how great it is to be American - if we're not FROM America. Sure, the international market is more important than ever to them, but even so it's a little incongruous to their intended message... And when you consider that, how fucking over can a guy get as a heel when they're so fucking quick to blow the bottom out of the kayfabe by showing what a pal he is to the troops? Dumbasses.

No, I don't have anything against flag-waving. I just prefer that the 'patriotic' folks at least be faces when they're in the country of their patriotism. On purpose.

I'm also kinda cringing in anticipation of the likely use of this to again denegrate the French. Like they're not ashamed enough of how the misplaced faith placed in the Maginot Line by their leaders put 60% of the country under German rule while the remaining 40% became a neutral state (L'Etat Francais) and thus forever marred the term French Resistance - even moreso than the French Resistance actually being run from fucking LONDON (by Charles de Gaulle). My father fought in WWII, in case you wonder why I know about the subject. Mom was his second wife, in case you wonder how that's possible. I have half-brothers almost as old as she, for added comedy.

But I digress...

Here's hoping they don't fuck this up like they did with D'Lo and Teddy Long 'honoring' Dr.King's memory by becoming jobber-heels. Sure, it's a vain hope, but at least they're consistant.

Anyone else bothered by how a BUNCH of airtime will probably be devoted to their Find the Next Diva contest? And you KNOW it won't be taken from the boring shit-talking and dumbass vignettes, either - it'll be taken from the matches that SHOULD be getting their midcard together. Do we REALLY need another random quimmer on either show? No, clearly not.

And on that note, could somebody PLEASE tell me where to send contributions for the Monday Night Sucks thing? Some jokes occur to me when it's too late to write them in here, but the address on MNS is still pointing to our dear Auntie Ginger.

Tonight's Raw is from Montreal (Wait for it), Quebec, Canada. They dedicate the show to the patriots that defended our freedom to their death, and warn us that freedom is not free. Then they show Arlington and play Taps.

Eric and Boy Monday are booed. Standard Raw intro. HHH is shown in replays of how he was 'manuevered' into being in Hell in the Cell by the - pardon the pun - cagey HBK. More clips of the two of them trying desperately to get across how they 'hate' each other beyond anyone's control... Sigh.

Orton and Benjamin will face each other one on one (suuuuuure they will) but we'll start the show with Benoit coming out to jerk the curtain and defend the Tag Straps. Edge comes out next, looking like he stole one of Hurricane's capes and dyed it blue... They'll face La Resistance, and as Grenier and Conway come out, they get a good pop from the hometown crowd. Lawler says, "Welcome to Bizzaro-World" to piss off Canadians. Get 'im, DK.

Rob and Edge start off with a collar and elbow. Edge shoves the guy to the corner, but they break clean. Edge with some offense, and then tags in Benoit. Benoit hits a Snap Suplex and then tags Edge back in. Edge tosses COnway to the corner and runs in to capitalize, but eats the boot. Conway tags in Grenier, who begins to work Edge's arm over with stomps and armbar variants. Edge tries to wiggle out and manages to get to his feet. Grenier takes him down with an armdrag. Tag to Rob, who beats on Edge's dome a bit and then puts on an armbar. Edge manages to tackle his way out of trouble and tag in Benoit. Benoit clamps Conway in a Sharpshooter. Grenier runs in and is put in his own Sharpshooter. Conway tries to get in a cheap hit, but Benoit dumps him with the Triple German Suplex followed by a Diving Headbutt. Conway rolls out of the way and then clocks Edge off the apron. They try to do that Double Team Suplex/Neckbreaker to Benoit, but Edge breaks it up from the floor. Benoit with the Crossface, but Grenier makes the save. The crowd pops for the local boys, heel or not.


We're back, and Sylvan's got a Kneeling Chinlock on Benoit. Benoit punches loose. Grenier knocks him down and then caroms him off the buckles. Grenier continues the attack with stomps and punches. Benoit fires back with a couple Choppy-Woos followed by the Enzuigiiri. Benoit makes the hot tag. Clothesline on Grenier, followed by a Flying Forearm and a Facebuster. Conway comes in and is tossed out. Benoit comes in and Suplexes Conway. Edge accidentally spears Benoit, and he falls out of the ring. Grenier and Conway hit their Team Finisher on Edge, and he counts the lights. New champions.

Commercials. The new N-Gage, eh? Sure, it still sucks, but it sucks NEW now. Won't you please buy one? We made a whole bunch.

Replay of the Tag Win, and La Resistance is basking in their triumph amidst the hometown crowd.

Geek Grisham interviews Orton about how he's not happy he has to face Benjamin to determine whether he has to face him for the title at Bad Blood. Orton says Shelton couldn't beat him on his best day. Grisham reminds him that SB beat him clean last week, and even shows the replay. Orton throws a tantrum and runs off for a sissy-break.

Eric and Regal are discussing 'control' and how Bischoff is about 'giving the fans what they want'. Then he has Eugene come in and - to show how much he appreciates Eugene's remarkable success he'll be giving him a match against a friend. Coach comes in. Eugene asks if he'll face Coach. Eric says, "No, Eugene, I said a FRIEND." Bischoff has Coach apologize to Gene for all that insult stuff. Coach balks. Bischoff says not only must he apologize, he must do so in the center of the ring in public. ...They DO know they're on camera, right? Yeesh. Coach storms out all miserable. Regal and Gene seem happily clueless they'll be facing each other tonight.


Coach is in the ring and walking around all heated. The crowd calls him 'PopcornFart' and 'Asshole'. Coach calls Gene out so he can make with 'something he needs to say'. Gene comes out to a decent pop and gets into the ring. The crowd loves him - one sign saying 'Eugene is my Idol'.

Coach explains how he and Eugene had their differences, and while he thought Eugene was a joke, he now reluctantly admits Eugene is the Real Deal.

Mr. Reynolds at Wrestlecrap does a spit-take.

Coach wonders which of Eugene's friends he will be facing... Perhaps the Rock? Perhaps Benoit? Perhaps one of his thousands of friends in attendance? Coach then says he met a guy in the back that says he's a big friend and fan of Gene.

Kane comes out. Coach lets Gene know that Kane is whom he meant. Eugene wants no parts. Kane offers a hug and a smile. Gene edges over tentatively as the crowd tries to warn him away. Kane hugs Gene and pats him on the back. Gene thinks it's all okay now, and hugs him back a little all happy-happy. Coach says, "I guess Kane IS your friend... But I'm NOT!" and smacks Gene. Kane moves in on Coach. Gene tries to talk Kane out of it, and Kane lariats the little fella inside out. Coach is laughing like a loon on the ramp at how clever he is... for getting his boss's nephew clobbered. No, don't tell him yet. Let him enjoy it a few seconds.

Commercials. We can buy the WWe Hall of Fame 2004 deal on DVD tomorrow.

Coach is in Eric's office laughing it up. Eric laughs too. Regal comes in all super-heated and Eric tells him to shut his fucking mouth or it's his job. Eric explains that he had no idea Gene would get popular, and now he's a fucking total embarrassment to the family. He wants Gene GONE, and to make sure he does so, he'll be facing Kane tonight. And if ANYONE interferes in his trimming of the family tree, then it's THEIR ASS. Regal looks ready to piss a pincushion.

Cut to Victoria, who will be in the ring to face Jazz in a non-title match. They tie up in the center, and Jazz hits a Waistlock Takedown, which she chains into a chinlock. Vic hops up and puts Jazz in an armwringer. Jazz knocks her down. The go to the ropes, and Vic ducks a clothesline with a split. Jazz drops on Vic's head. Jazz hits a legdrop on the back of Vic's head - while Vic is STILL in the split. Jazz with a chinlock while Vic is still in the split. Jazz makes with the gorilla from the Samsonite commercial on Vic. Vic manages to get loose and shoulderblocks Jazz in the belly from the apron. Jazz beats on her a little more and tries a Suplex, but Vic rolls free and gets the pin with a Schoolboy.

Commercials. Joe Schmoe 2 is to start tomorrow at 10. There's too many ways to make fun of that, so pick your own punchline.

We get another bit of the montage to 'Remember Our Heroes'.

Orton comes out first. Batista comes out with him, y'know, just in case. Benjamin comes out next to a decent pop. They ring the bell and the two of them circle each other before Benji hits a waistlock takedown to a pinning combo. Gets one. Orton goes to a lockup when they're both back up, but changes gears and makes with the brawlies. Orton goes to the ropes a few times, with Benjamin alternating Leapfrogs and DropTrips to no avail. Benjamin tries a dropkick, but nobody's home. Orton hits the Standing Dropkick. Batista hops onto the apron to distract the ref so Orton can remove a turnbuckle cover. Orton tosses Shelton outside, but the ref keeps Dave from getting in some free shots so Orton can continue removing buckle covers. Benjamin back into the ring, so Orton whips him to the exposed corner. SB puts on the brakes and turns into the charging Randy. They clash heads and both go down. SB staggers to his feet as the ref checks Orton, and Dave hops up on the apron in the confusion and LAUNCHES Shelton into the bare metal. Benjamin goes down and Orton makes the cover. It gets two and a half, to the undying chagrin of Dave.


During the break, Benjamin was outside and getting bounced off the barriers by Dave. Now he's in some sort of halfass Tai Gatame. Benji gets loose and goes to the ropes for a clothesline. Orton reverses it and sends Benji to the ropes. Benji knocks Dave off the apron. He comes back at Orton. Orton ducks. SB comes off the opposite side. Orton ducks again. Dave pulls the top rope down so SB can fall outside.

The referee ejects Batista. Orton looks pretty worried about losing his insurance policy. They go back and forth some, but Orton manages to put Shelton into a Buffalo Sleeper. SB gets up and they trade moves. Orton mounts SB in the corner and tries a Monkey Flip (I love subtlety, don't you?), but Shelton lands on his feet. Orton charges in, but gets a Power Slam. It gets two. Both of them back up and Orton hits the Hangman's Backbreaker, which gets him a twocount. Both back up, but Benjamin hits a backslide for another two. Orton flees the ring. Shelton follows him up the ramp and gets sucker-punched. Orton smiles all big and rolls Shelton back in. Orton comes in to capitalize, but gets what looks like a Falcon Arrow Bomb and pinned.


We're back to shill the DivaSearch some. Eight days left to enter, girls. We cut to Stacy having a photo-op in the back, and Grisham interrupts her to ask how she feels about the whole thing. She's actually enthused, and says she's asked all her modeling friends - and even her sister - to put in their bids. Grisham asks, "What does a Diva do, exactly?" for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Stacy shoos him off to continue her photoshoot.

HHH comes to the ring to bitch and moan at us in a suit Don Johnson made famous like twenty years ago... He tells them that they can stop looking at the entrance and at the crowd for Michaels, since he's not there tonight because Bischoff's banned HBK from the arena. HHH tries to talk up 'one of the greatest rivalries in the industry' between he and Michaels. He then explains how Hell in the Cell is designed to be 'The End'. The end of issues, conflicts, and even careers. We then show a highlight montage of HHH's exploits in the HitC matches.

HHH closes up by saying, "Shawn Michaels, see you in HELL."

We shill the Bad Blood matchups for some padding while HHH exits. Slowly.


Bischoff's on the phone with someone looking kind of grave. Boy Monday comes in and Bischoff promptly sends him to fetch Eugene.

Matt and Lita (who hate sparkling water, and Matt's life is better with Lita in it) make their way to the ring. The opponent? Garrison Cade.

Cade and Hardy size each other up, and Hardy clamps on an armwringer. Cade goes to the ropes and hits a back elbow on the break. Hardy staggers back. Cade whips Matt to the corner and Matt reverses. Cade goes for the floatover, but Hardy doesn't follow him in. Cade is confused, and Hardy floors him.

The two of them brawl some, but Cade's size is a factor and he soon has Hardy on the mat in a chinlock. Hardy gets himself back up and they go toe-to-toe. Cade tries an Irish Whip, but Hardy reverses and tosses Cade outside. Hardy hits a plancha as Cade gets up. They go back into the ring, and Hardy hits a Side Effect for two. They brawl some more, and Cade tries a POwerbomb. Hardy counters with a Back Body Drop. Cade is quickly dispatched with the Twist of Fate, and Lita and Matt share a celebration kiss.

Smackdown Update. Bradshaw's been given the option to pick the stip for another lackluster main event - this time at Great American Bash. Booker T will face Undertaker again, too...

Boy Monday brings Gene in and Eric tells him he wants to talk to Gene alone. Eric asks if Eugene is okay with this. Gene says he is. Eric explains he knew what Kane was gonna do, but he let it happen as 'tough love' because he doesn't want Eugene to really get hurt, since he doesn't really belong there and all. Gene's sad, but determined to go to his doom now. Bischoff asks if Gene has a hug for Uncle Eric. Gene does, and Bischoff looks like he's having his own second thoughts about this... I guess so, since he's been at Kane's tender mercies himself not too long ago.


We're back with another clip of the 'Remembering Our Heroes' deal... The ring is set for the Highlight Reel, although Jericho is allegedly out injured. So we play some of the WWe's European Tour...

THEN Jericho's intro plays, but it's Trish and Tomco coming out instead for a good long jaw. She makes like she's trying to clear her throat (insert swordswallowing joke here) and she coughs some more before saying, 'Sorry, I think I got a Frog in my Throat... And about 10,000 more of them surrounding the ring.' She offers some get well shoutouts to Christian at home, and then plays one of her chosen Highlights on the Stratustron5000. It's Tomco putting Y2J through the announce table, of course.

She tries to crack a joke about '911? Trish and Tyson just stole the show.' Then she makes fun of JR calling her a Jezebel. Jericho comes out and whips Tomco's ENTIRE ass. Trish tries the Chick Kick, but Jericho catches it and puts her in the Walls. Tomco with the Front Lunge Kick puts the stop to it. Tomco presses Jericho and then drops him onto one of the chairs. Trish sets a chair across Y2J's neck and sits on it. Tomco grinds his foot on Jericho's forehead before Trish decides to hit the bricks... pulling Tomco along.

Cut to Kane in the basement trying to work the old scowlie menace. Doesn't work. As R.Lee Ermey once recited in Full Metal Jacket, "You don't SCARE me. WORK on it."


We come back at 10:55 for the Main Event... Kane comes down the ramp first, and he hits his pyro. Eugene comes out at 10:56 after we re-replay Coach and Kane ambushing Gene earlier. Gene looks a bit tentative as he makes his way down the aisle to the ring. He finally gets there at 10:57 and takes off the warmup suit.

Kane offers a shake of the hand, but Gene won't go for it. Kane offers a hug, but Gene's not THAT retarded... Kane tries to make the grab, but Gene ducks it. Repeat. Gene hits a waistlock and takes Kane to the mat for a couple seconds of Half-Nelson. Gene rolls away and gets back to a vertical base. Kane tries a clothesline, but Gene hits a rollup for one. Kane hits a clothesline this time. Gene gets loose and Kane whips him to the corner. Kane charges in, but Gene drop-toes him into the buckles. Kane staggers back as Gene goes to the top for a Double Axehandle.

Kane punches him out in midair. Gene rolls outside for a breather, then tries to get back in. Kane doesn't think it's fast enough, so he brings him in with a Suplex from the apron. Kane follows it with a blatant choke and makes with the slow beatdown. Gene manages to get the full armdrag and twist, which he chains to a headlock. Kane punches him in the mouth, then Snapmares him over and puts him in a Reverse Chinlock.

Gene gets loose and works an armwringer. Kane punches him. Genermania starts digging deep. Kane with a couple more ineffective shots, then Gene goes bananas and lands a series of punches. Kane bails outside and gets a chair, but Gene knocks it out of his hands and DDT's him onto it.

The referee disqualifies Kane, so Eugene wins. Kane FLATTENS him with a Big Boot and then a Choke Slam. Kane resets the chair because he wants a retard on his Tombstone. Benoit charges out to make the save. They battle, with Kane managing to avoid the Crossface out of sheer power. He scrams as Benoit makes sure Eugene is okay. Eugene is, so Benoit raises Eugene's hands for the victory celebration.

I didn't much like the Hulkamania spot, but the save by Benoit was decent and helped sell his match with Kane... Just, y'know, not to ME...

Thirteen days left to convince me to waste my money, fellas. Good luck.

You're welcome. See you SOON...