Hello, my intended...
I'm still feeling the effects of that shitty finish to the whole show from last week, plus my bad wing isn't getting better quite as fast as planned. After his esteemed medical advice worsened the situation, I've been put on the DL by the company doc and am thus sitting at home surrounded by things to do that I simply CAN'T without my right arm - such as umpteen thousand videogames and drawing and typing in general. Suffice to say, your old buddy Bobo is feeling a mite pissy, and barring a spectacular 'apology' show from the Raw crew, this will likely continue well into the Memorial Day weekend.
As before, I'm not going to be going into much 'detail' regarding the happenings of the show since it's hard enough to keep abreast of things with both hands on the keyboard - which I don't really have at present. Ah, well, if you wanted to know EVERYTHING that happened you'd WATCH THE SHOW instead of reading recaps, right? Right.
So, let's review... They've taken Kane from the midcard and put him back into title contention - bypassing at least a couple dozen guys on the roster that won't force Benoit to have to carry them to a watchable match. As an added bonus, even KANE's ability as a contender is tainted by the fact that he won the battle royal last week because HBK ran out to help. I'm sure morale is high in the locker room. Heh. This will likely lead to an uneasy alliance with Matt Hardy, since SOMEONE has to protect Lita - and Matt pretty much sucks at it.
Hey, here's a thought... Maybe they'll drop this whole 'Stalker Redux' thing and have Kane concentrate on Benoit a bit? I mean, sure, the big feud with Hardy is JUST gathering steam and all (Must... Not... LAUGH...), but I'm positive they can find SOMEONE else to keep Lita and her teensy-tiny man onscreen. Why?
Because my life isn't QUITE annoying enough, THAT'S WHY.
And since I've got my crystal scry on anyway, I think I'll make a few more psychic friends... I'm gonna wager that Uncle Eric is gonna finally give Regal a spot on the active roster in time for Bad Blood... As Eugene's tag partner. Their opponents are irrelevant, but I'm thinking Coach and Cade. They'll likely have Lord Steve shortarm the little goof or something, and then finally give in to his conscience and be 'a man'. A real man's man, even. Heh.
Christian's pretty stuck at the moment, since Trish and even Tomco are overshadowing him. Considering they're not too hot to send him against Jericho again, what's a Creepy Little Bastard to do for a paycheck? Simple. Hire himself and Tomco out as 'Freelance Problem Solvers'... Sure, that's a bit too close to having a chance of actually WORKING at getting them over, so they'll probably wind up back on Team Bischoff for the required Heel Heat. Maybe Uncle Eric will send them out to 'soften up' Benoit for the Kane match, since, y'know, Kane has never had a problem with laying down for the Trips.
Orton will likely continue 'teasing' a racist option in his 'heel persona', though in all honesty it hasn't really got a chance to get over. No, not JUST because racist angles are ticket-sale poison. Because Benjamin is pretty much the only black guy on the show now - unless you count the triumphant re-re-re-return of Maven, which I'm sure you don't; or Jazz - which you just might. Moreover, there's no Spanish guys on Raw, so the only remaining minority is Tajiri. See, when Levesque worked the Bell Curve action, there were a few black folks around he could derrogate. All there is for his 'protege' is some Smackdown tablescraps... Not to cast aspersions on Benjamin, mind, but racist angles work better when the show can't be subtitled "White Knights of the Squared Circle". Orton could be so much bigger than shit like this, but then he wouldn't need Hunter, right? Right.
Oh, and my final prediction... Ric Flair will retire and then drop dead. When? NOT SOON ENOUGH. HHH doesn't need him, Orton's beginning to get over without him, and Batista will NEVER get over, so he's pretty useless to the crew aside from taking eleven some-odd back body drops a match and 'saving' the younger members of the squad from getting over without him... Say, Evolution, if you feel your collective asses dragging near the end of your matches, it's not because you didn't drink Y2Stingers - it's because Flair's hitting the brakes.
For chrissakes, if Orton and Dave and Hunter are the 'unstoppable future', why can't they ever seem to get a clean win? Spare me the 'because they are heels' bullshit, okay? If these guys want to put over the whole 'You Cannot Stop Evolution' thing, then they'd better start showing they can beat more than Hurricane-Size Happy Meals without help. In case you ever needed an idea on how to break Orton away from the Evolution, here's one from Bobo as a freebie...
Flair is considered a Legend by most folks.
The Theory of Evolution is survival of the fittest, right? Right. Just remember whose wrinkled ass is usually being pinned in Evolution's losses, okay?
Eh? EH? THINK about it...
(Bonus points to whomever knows where THAT quote is from).
Tonight's Raw is from Rockford, Illinois. Randy Orton will be the guest on Jericho's Highlight Reel. Edge will face Ric Flair. HHH will be talking shit about how HBK hosed him, and HBK will be in the building - suspension be damned. That's the 'Ten Minutes of Star Trek to Yet Endure' blurb... I'm thinking they're not gonna put on much of a show with a lead-in like that...
Standard Raw Intro. Bisch and the Boy Monday are booed. Clips of HBK superkicking Kane out of the midcard in time for Bad Blood. We open with HHH taping his fists and grousing to Bischoff about how it should be him going to the PPV, and he demands Eric reinstate HBK. Bischoff says the only way he could get Michaels to agree to come back was to give him a match with HHH at Bad Blood. HHH says the second Michaels hits the door, he will beat him half to death and drag him to the ring to finish himself.
HHH then confronts Evolution about dropping the ball, and they lamely make excuses. HHH says that they better start tightening things up, starting with Flair's match. He sends them away. Orton tells HHH if Michaels shows up while they're away, be SURE to kick his ass. HHH has Batista remain with him.
Edge comes out to face Flair for our curtain jerk match. Wow, THAT's gotta be making Nature Boy's asshole pucker, huh? Flair comes to the ring with his old music, and Orton. They ring the bell, and Edge and Flair circle each other before Flair struts a little. Edge shoves him down. Flair back up with a headlock on Edge, which he flows to a hammerlock. Edge reverses the hammerlock and Flair reaches the ropes. Clean break. They brawl. Edge with an Irish Whip into the corner so Flair can get a Back Body Drop, and then clotheslines him outside. Edge follows and Body Slams Flair on the floor. Both men back in the ring, and Edge mounts the buckles to punch on Flair's dome. Flair with a thumb to the eyes, then a right hand drops Edge. Flair pushes him to the corner for a three-punch combo topped off with the Choppy-Woo. Flair with a Snapmare, which he follows up with a Kneedrop and a stomp to the forehead.
Edge gets to his feet for some Choppy-Woo. They start brawling back and forth. Flair with an Irish Whip, but Edge hits him with a Flying Forearm and follows up with a Back Body Drop. Flair with a thumb to the eye, and he goes to the top rope. He comes down for a Double Axehandle, but Edge hits him in midair. Edge goes to the top now, but Orton knocks him off into a hotshot across the top ropes. Flair with the rollup, but Edge kicks out as Shelton Benjamin comes out and whips Orton's ass. Flair is confused, and promptly Speared. Edge wins.
HHH and Batista in the back make Hurricane give up the chair he was sitting on outside, and then position themselves as Welcoming Committee for HBK.
We're back, and it seems VKM made THIS major announcement: 'There will be a Search for a new Raw Diva, and when we find her, we'll give her $250,000. How will we decide? The fans will be polled, and will vote off one a week until they have their winner.' Details on the contest at WWe's site. Simon Cowell is probably filing papers as we speak.
We bring everyone up to speed about Lita and Kane, and then Mattitude tries to find out what the fuck the question is she said 'Yes' to. She was thinking about Matt, and 'Us', and she realized she loves him. They kiss. But she'd rather SHOW him she loves him. She asks for a second to grab her gear and doll up. Kane shows up behind her as she preens. Lita wants to know what the deal is, since Kane said it was over. Kane assures her it is as he allegedly said while she hyperventilates. Kane smiles all big. She shakily leaves the dressing room and the building with Hardy...
Of COURSE not.
Commercials. Hey, Starship Troopers has a direct to DVD sequel. Yeah, once they did that CARTOON the fans were BEGGING for another crappy movie... All three of them.
Eugene and Regal will face Cade and Coach tonight. (See? Never doubt Bobo.) and we cut to HBK's car driving up. Batista and HHH drag the driver out and beat his ass. It's Stevie Richards. There is no Heartbreak Kid to be found, so HHH sends Dave to check on Orton and Flair while he continues to stomp on Stevie...
La Resistance comes out for a tag match against Rosey and Hurricane. While Hurricane's intro plays, King shills Mae Young and Moolah's appearance on Leno tonight. Rosey and Conway start it off with brawlies before Rosey tosses him outside. He rolls back in, and gets hammered. Tag to Helms. Helms knocks off Grenier from the apron and brawls with Conway. Rob with an Irish Whip, and Grenier pulls down the top rope so Helms falls outside. Ross calls him Dupree as Conway tags him in... Grenier works the leg Helms landed outside on with stomps and go to a standing Ankle Twist. Hurricane gets to his foot and hits Sylvan with the Enzuigiiri. Hot tag to Rosey and Conway. They brawl. Rosey knocks Conway down and then hits him with a running Twisting Legdrop. Nice one, big boy. Tag to Helms. The ref moves to put Rosey back out to the apron so LR use a doubleteam to clobber Helms and pin him. La Resistance wins.
HHH is slowly approaching another car when he's waylaid from behind by Michaels. HBK beats him up until the referees and trainers separate them.
Commercials. Return of the King will be out on DVD soon. Then everyone that buys it can feel like a stupid douchebag when they release the 'Super Special Version' with an extra hour of footage around September... Just like they did the last two times.
Replay of the battle on the blacktop. Next we go to Jericho for the Highlight Reel. He gets a nice pop from the crowd, so he basks in it a little before welcoming us to his little part of the show. Y2J mentions that Christian hasn't been around since his cage match, wherein he changed CLB to Crushed Lower Back. He then gives Orton the introduction and calls him down. Orton comes out all by himself, with the belt.
Orton tries to get a reaction from the crowd, but I guess they burned out cheering for Y2J, huh Randy? Heh. Jericho speaks about Randy's rapid rise and current position as the Legend Killer and longest reigning IC Champ in seven years. Jericho then speaks about how Randy's done bad shit what with spitting on the legends and such, and wonders if Orton's changed his mind about not facing SB for the strap. Orton hasn't. Jericho asks why Orton's so scared of Benji that he's ducking him. Orton tries to defend his position, but Jericho cuts him off. Orton takes umbrage. Jericho tells him too bad, since it's his show he'll do what he likes.
Orton says Jericho's got a big mouth like SB does. Jericho gets even more cutty, so Orton slaps him. Jericho PROMPTLY whips his little ass. Batista makes the save and they double team on Jericho until Benjamin comes out and beats Dave's ass. They're all over each other two on two when Bischoff comes out (as Orton and Batista JUST manage to escape the ring) and tell them, "If you want at each other so bad, clear the ring. You'll face each other in a tag match."
We're back as Y2J takes Orton to the mat in a Side Headlock takeover. Waistlock pickup takes Orton back to the mat, where he's put in an Indian Deathlock. Jericho turns it into a Crossface Surfboard. Orton doesn't tap. Jericho lets him go and they both get to their feet. Jericho clothesline Orton down and then tags in SB. Orton tags in Dave. They lock up, and Batista shoves SB back into the ropes. Clean break. They lock up again, but SB hits the armwringer which he floats to a top wristlock. Batista punches him. Dave follows up with a Body Slam, and then some Papabear Beatdown. SB is in trouble, so Orton asks for the tag. He gets it. He slaps SB and then tags Dave back in. Dave stomps on Benji and then tags Orton back in. Orton tries a Hiptoss on the battered Benjamin, but Benji counters with a Hangmans Neckbreaker.
Tag to Jericho. Jericho clobbers Orton and then clobbers Dave off the apron. Jericho goes for the Walls. Orton resists. Jericho tries for the Lionsault, but Orton dodges it. Y2J lands on his feet, though. Orton tries to capitalize, but is put in the Walls. Dave tries to make the save, but Jericho guides his headlong charge out the ring through the second and bottom ropes. Evolution trying to regroup outside, and Jericho takes them both down with a High Cross Body...
We're back, and Dave is stomping on Jericho in the corner. Trish joins the broadcast team. Tag to Orton, who strangles Jericho on the ropes a little. Seems during the commercials Trish came out to distract Jericho, and succeeded. Orton's working on Jericho's left arm and shoulder. Dave tagged in, and he hits Jericho with some Shoulderblocks before strangling him on the second rope. Dave working an inverted Chickenwing on Jericho. Jericho is in trouble... Jericho amps up, but Dave switches to a Hammerlock. Jericho gets loose and hits some chops on Dave. Dave lariats him to the mat and goes for the pin, but Benji breaks it up. The ref escorts SB out to the apron so Orton can get in and put on a Triangle Scissorlock. The crowd chants Randy Sucks as Jericho punches Orton and tries to roll out of the hold. Jericho escapes, but Orton holds him in place and tags in Dave. Jericho goes to make the tag, but Orton hits a Single Arm DDT to buy Dave time to amble over.
Dave works on Jericho's arm some more with a bunch of different hammerlock variants. Tag to Orton. Jericho with a dropkick and the hot tag to Benjamin. Benjamin a house of fire until Dave Spinebusters him. Jericho runs in to help with a dropkick. Orton's in and he tries the RKO on Jericho, but Y2J shoves him off and into the waiting arms of Benji for a Powerslam. SB wins clean. Trish doesn't look happy. Evolution scrams, then Jericho and Benjamin walk out. Trish gets Jericho's attention long enough for Tomco to flatten him and then bounce him against the set. Then Tomco has Ross and Lawler leave the desk so he can Powerbomb Y2J through it. It's an ugly spot that looks even worse as Trish mounts him for a few slaps and the badmouth...
We replay Jericho getting ambushed to pad the show a little... We get a few replays from different angles, and then cut to footage of Jericho being carted out on a stretcher.
Looks like Lawler and Ross are going to be doing 'standing room commentary'. Good luck, you old bastards. Kane comes out. The crowd is SILENT as Kane says he envies Benoit, his title, and his life of normalcy. He also says that he's envious of Chris living his dream as the champ, while HE lives a nightmare of darkness and shadows. The crowd couldn't be any less into this, and chants of 'Shut your mouth' flicker through the attendance. Kane wraps it up fast and hits his pyro. Good call.
We cut to HBK making sure he has his match the way he wants it in Bischoff's office. HHH backjumps him and ruins the office set in a wild melee. The zebra-squad comes to break it up and drag them away from each other. Bischoff tells them to 'get them both outta here'.
Say, what about making impromptu matches when you lose control of your show, Bischoff? Thought so.
Replay of the melee in Bischoff's office for more padding. Victoria has a new intro, which is a little 'ravey'. She dances pretty nice on the ramp. Replay of Molly snapping last month and choking Vic out. It's a non-title match between her and Molly.
Molly comes out with Gail Kim and a 'Stephanie Wig'. They ring the bell and the girls tie up in the center of the ring. Molly whips Vic to the corner but Vic hops up to the top buckle and clamps on an Anklescissor. Molly counters and pushes Vic off. Vic lands on the apron and then Molly knocks her off to the floor.
Vic gets back in, and Molly hits a few Chinlocks with a clawing crossface. Molly then clamps on a Standing Side Neck Wrench. Vic is in trouble, but fights to get to her feet. Molly yanks her down to the mat and continues to grind the hold. The crowd tries to support Vic a little, so Vic fights her way out of the hold. Molly knocks her down and then covers her, but Vic counters with a cover of her own. Molly kicks free. Vic hits a backslide for two. Molly's disoriented, so Vic starts shaking her moneymaker for the Standing Moonsault. Kim jumps on the apron, so Vic knocks her off it. Molly tries to capitalize, but gets the Widow's Peak and pinned. Kim tries to interrupt the celebration, but gets a Widow's Peak as well.
Smackdown update shows Eddy and Mysterio whipping the Dudley Boyz asses before Eddy fucking collapses. He's comatose, so JBL pins him.
Cut to Eric whinging about how he lost control of his show to Boy Monday. He tells Boy to gather up every swinging dick available to make sure that when the HBK/HHH ship goes down, HE will not go down with it.
I'd say 'Whaddaya know? They read me,' but I'm still writing this damn thing... Heh.
Eric is addressing the troops. He tells them "they cannot allow HBK and HHH to tear down what they built as a team" for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. He tells them that if they ever see HHH and HBK mixing it up, they BETTER break BOTH their asses. If they do not do so, then - as added incentive, in case 'protecting their show' isn't enough - they'll be fired.
Replay of Coach badmouthing Eugene and Rock coming to the rescue. Cut to the Grisham the Geek trying to interview Gene. Gene apes Rock after giving Grisham the Wet Willy. Regal tries to get a word in edgewise, and Boy Monday comes out and tells him Bischoff didn't clear him for the roster yet. Regal freaks out and tells Nitro, "You CAN'T bloody send that kid out there to the wolves ALONE. I'm all he's GOT!" Nitro tells him that it's tough shit, but unless Gene can get a partner in 3 minutes, he'll be in his first Handicap Match. Regal looks pretty disgusted, but tells Gene that his hands are tied. "But don't worry... Like I said, Master Eugene. Sometimes... You've... You've got to be a MAN. Off you go, now, lad. You've got a match tonight."
Gene looks unsure, but toddles off. Regal looks ready to puke.
Kids, NOBODY else that's EVER been in that company could have carried that skit out as well as Regal and Gene did. Well done, gentlemen. Well done.
Coach and Cade come to the ring. Hey, isn't it funny that Subway is sponsoring the next PPV? Especially when it's written out: Subway. Eat Fresh. Bad Blood.
Gene comes to the ring all by himself. Then Garcia calls out his tag partner. Coach laughs as nobody shows up.
Then Benoit comes out. Bravo. Well fucking done, Pegasus Kid. Is Paul Heyman writing this? This will get Benoit a ton of fan support... Even -I- like this. Especially them not letting Regal turn just yet...
Coach trips Eugene to interrupt his running around. Benoit clobbers Cade and then hits him with a Snap Suplex. Benoit puts Cade in a headlock and then tags Gene. Gene with a Sideheadlock takeover. Cade pushes Gene to the corner and tries to hit him, but Gene ducks and Cade wallops Coach. Gene hits the running crisscross to the Big Chop (a la Strongbow), and then tags Benoit in. Benoit beats Cade's ass, but Cade manages to get the upper hand and staggers Benoit with a series of forearms to the head and back. Coach tags in, and tries to hit Benoit, but is Chopped simple-minded. Cade tries to rescue, but Gene puts him in the airplane spin and he falls outside. Benoit goes for the Flying Headbutt on Coach, knocks Cade off the apron in the process.
Benoit tags in Gene and has him do the Flying Headbutt on the still flat Coach. He does, albeit shakily. Pinfall. Benoit tells Gene, "We won." Gene runs around with Benoit's belt all happy as the crowd goes fucking apeshit.
Cut to HHH and Evolution in the back trying to regroup. HBK runs in. He's followed by about ten other wrestlers, who quickly separate them.
It's 10:57 when they come back, so they replay HBK making Kane the #1 Contender. Triple H is coming out now... Now? His civilian gear is torn to shreds as he storms to the ring. He calls an early end to the intro and calls HBK's ass to the ring RIGHT NOW.
HBK comes out, also looking very doggone dishevelled. Michaels hits the ring and the two of them go toe-to-toe. Flair tries to run in, but gets Superkicked. Orton comes out with Dave. They start to work on HBK when Benoit and Edge come drag them all outside. Bench clearing brawl ensues as Bischoff waves in the troops. All hell breaks loose as everyone gets in their little digs on each other. Bischoff calls down the second wave for Hell Breaks Loose Act 2. The zebra-squad comes out next and they finally separate them. Bischoff says, "ENOUGH! At Bad Blood, it will be HHH and Michaels.. HELL IN THE CELL." They go back at each other for Hell Breaks Loose Act 3, and we fade to black...
Remember what I said about 'They better put on a hell of an apology show for that crap last week?'
All is forgiven, gentlemen...
You're welcome. See you SOON.