Hello, my intended...
Truth to tell I've been pecking away at this 'intro' to the recap for the better part of all weekend with just my left hand. Before the jokes start up, remember the accident I had last week? The doctor said it was a 'slight sprain' and gave me a little neoprene/velcro wrap before sending me back to work. For those of you that don't know, I work construction - but my primary trade is as a drywall finisher and patch plasterer. My wrist is in constant motion and under constant pressure whilst putting mud on the walls and then smoothing it. I was determined to work through it, since I was basically 'fit to work' according to the doctor.
I worked with that bad wing for three days before it got so bad I couldn't even hold my tools. So I left the job and returned to the company doctor to get a better brace and stronger pain pills. I asked him, "If a trackstar came in with a sprained ankle, would you give HIM a brace and tell him to run twenty laps? Because that's what you did to ME." In a nutshell, the 'slight sprain' I started with became a 'bad sprain' after three days of solid work... So I got a better brace, but was told the painpills take a couple days to get in the system before they start working. I also got 'modified duty', which according to the report the doc sent back to the shop meant I could do anything the job required - as long as I didn't use my right hand.
So they sent me home. I go back Thursday to see if I got better from rest. I hope so.
What does that mean for YOU? Well, it means I'm not going to be going into real detail with the match descriptions - not that I went into much before now, mind, but whaddaya want for nuthin'? Rubber biscuits?
Y'know, after Eugene's debut last week, I started to wonder about things. Primarily, how the fuck is it this over already? We could catechize ad nauseum regarding the overall factors, but I think it all boils down to one thing...
We like Brother Dinsmore.
The question, of course, is why? How in the hell is Dinsmore different from all the other guys on the roster that have similarly done 'all they could' to 'reach us'?
Because, I think, we can tell he's having fun with it.
We call that 'connecting with the audience'.
It's a good thing.
Sure, your kneejerk reaction is to decry Eugene as a 'critique of the fanbase', or as Der Kommissaar eloquently put it in <a href="http://www.theringpost.com/cgi-bin/viewcol.cgi?category=all&id=1083024071">Transmission 77</a>:
Given the fan reactions he gets, it's hard not to imagine that the fans don't know what he represents. Could be that they see a little bit of themselves in his happy-go-lucky tard antics. Are they laughing at him or with him? I think it's irrelevant.
I don't entirely agree with my old friend on this... It is indeed relevant. Not to the point he made in an earlier Transmission enjoining us to "Cheer him! He's just like YOU!" but rather cheer that he's good enough to get us to suspend our disbelief. There are very few people that have enough talent and skill to effectively 'convince' us of their 'characters'; the last one of note who was 'nothing like' their character was George 'The Animal' Steele. College professor by day, snarling beastman by night. Simply put, you've gotta be pretty damn smart to make such astounding stupidity believable. Just ask the President of the United States.
See, playing something thats 'like you are in real life' is pretty easy. Too easy, in fact. This is not even counting the inherent problems in this paradigm - notably, if you're not very likable in real life, and play a character that is 'close to who you really are' - nobody will like you. A lot. Some would call that 'being a good heel', but it's really not, despite the fact Levesque has made himself the lead man on this principle - even claiming that he 'prefers to be a heel' to explain his being an asshole in general. But when he came back from that torn quad, we LIKED him. We even CHEERED him. Why?
Because we could tell how happy he was to be back.
See, folks, no matter how much they sneer and denegrate the fans and call them 'marks' among many other things, the strongest truth in the business is that we can't be fooled. We can 'allow ourselves' to be fooled (aka - suspension of disbelief) but the fans quite simply are too intelligent to swallow pure bullshit. We reject it.
If you doubt me, just check the books, Vinnie. Remember when you 'became a billionaire to fight one'? You need about 700 million to become one again, pal, and if I were you I'd find a better fiscal guru than Bradshaw. Bluntly, that was back when the boys were having fun - not 'trying to be cool/get over' like they are now. As good a worker as Jericho is, and as much as we want to like him - he's clearly not having fun anymore. He hasn't since a little after his 'big debut', really.
Same thing with the others... Kane's boring. Always was - only now he's boring, chatty and bald. Nobody's buying into his 'sick twisted monster' thing. Nobody.
The Rock? As shitty a wrestler as he is - and we know he is. Hell, even HE knows he is. When he gets that microphone in his hand and starts jawing, he's having the time of his life. We know he is. You can't really HATE a guy that's REALLY having so much fucking FUN - even though most of us in the IWC try like hell.
HBK is an asshole and always has been. Just ask Jesus. What little 'charisma' he claims to have is really just him being so happy that most people have no idea just how MUCH of asshole he's been, still IS, and will CONTINUE TO BE FOREVER AND EVER (Selah). But it's okay, since God will just forgive him again later...
But I digress...
Suffice to say that it was best said by someone else, specifically, Jean Giraoudoux, noted French dramatist.
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
Before we go to the show, we're told that Lita and Trish will mix it up to jerk the curtain, and we're still going to have that 20 Man Battle Royal. I'll probably just note the order they're eliminated, what with the bad wing and all. Ah, who am I kidding? It's not like I can type fast enough to 'color commentate' on it with both hands at full capacity, so you're not losing much here. If you want more detail, go get someone else's recap Tuesday afternoon or so... I'm still gonna turn this out within ten minutes of the show's close. Bad wing and all.
Still here? Okay, then.
Standard Raw intro. Eric and his Boy Monday are halfheartedly booed, so I guess they'll be doing some badguy stuff tonight to up the Heel Rating. We're live from San Diego, California. What? STILL? I know California's big, but SHEESH.
Other matches announced are Benoit and Edge defend against Orton and Batista for the tag straps. Yay.
Lita's coming down the ramp in black and pink. Bret Hart spins in his grave - and he's not even DEAD. We replay Trish's little joke from last week in case you're wondering why this match is happening.
Trish comes out next, sans entourage. Seems all outside parties are banned from ringside for this one, so they'll have to get the match over themselves. Must... Not... Laugh...
Trish starts off with some booga-booga stuff. Lita knocks her down. Trish is shoved into the corner, but escapes with a pull of the hair. Trish continues bouncing Lita around by her hair a bit, but Lita mounts a comeback with some brawlies - followed by the anklescissors. Gets two. They get up, but Trish drops Lita across the second rope neck first, then climbs the buckles and pulls Lita up in a rear naked choke. She releases at four, then does it again. Lita's staggered, so Trish comes off the top with a clothesline. Trish tries a couple pin attempts as Ross calls her a Jezebel. King tells him very few people know what the hell he's talking about, so Ross suggests they read the Bible.
Oh, right. He's on the Jesus Train now, I remember.
The girls bound around a few times, with Trish getting in some chinlocks for most of it. Trish goes for Stratusfaction, but Lita counters with a Backdrop Suplex. Gets two. They go to brawling before Lita hits a Snap Suplex and a couple clotheslines for two. Lita with an Armwringer to a Side Russian Leg Sweep for another two. Lita with a Twist of Fate, but THAT only gets two... Then Kane shows up on the Titantron and calls Lita like he'd call a dog. Yeah, that IS redundant, isn't it? Trish gets the schoolboy in the confusion for the win.
Kane reminds Lita that he expects her answer, and it BETTER be the RIGHT one. Nobody cares. A lot.
Commercials. Hey, they made an Electric Boogaloo for the 2K4, did they? You Got Served, eh? Couldn't POSSIBLY be as fun as the South Park episode that ripped it, so I'll pass. Me and everybody, according to the sales.
Orton is on the way out to the ring, but I don't see Dave, so this might just be to jaw some. It is. He's all happy and says, "If you haven't noticed, I like to talk about myself." He also says he's the longest reigning IC Champ in the last seven years, to piss off Honkytonk Man I guess. He then promises to win the tag straps, and says tonight it's about Evolution. Tonight it's about HHH. They're going to make SURE Hunter wins the battle royal so he can regain his title, and he tells us 'There is no stopping Evolution.'
Shelton Benjamin comes out to the squared circle, with a mic. Decent crowd reaction, even. He asks Orton if he heard him right, what with the greatest wrestler alive being HHH and all. Orton nods. Benji reminds us he beat HHH twice, and promises that HE will win the Battle Royal - and there's nothing he and Evolution can do about it.
Orton tells him 'Luck runs out', and says SB's no match for Evolution, no match for HHH, nor even a match for Orton... SB asks if Orton thinks he's better than he. Orton says he KNOWS he is. SB offers Orton to back his words up for the strap. Orton goes to the racist card, and says 'That's the problem with people like you. You people are given an INCH and you try to take a YARD. You don't know your place. I wouldn't SOIL this belt by defending it against someone like you." Shelton PROMPTLY whips his ass until Flair drags Orton to safety.
Please, guys. Don't do THIS again. PLEASE.
We lose the feed a bit, then go to Tajiri getting beat up by Dave (again?). Oh, it's a replay.
Orton is with Evolution in the back, and says he'll be getting even with Benji 'in his own way'. They cement their plan to make sure HHH will make it.
Eugene and Regal next. Gene's happy he won last week, and eager to get another match. Eric shows up and calls a conference with Regal. Eric's planning to humiliate Eugene and make him quit that way, and all Regal has to do is send the kid out alone for a 'special' interview... Regal looks somewhat uncomfortable. That's right. Work to it. Nice and slow. Attaboy.
We're reminded that HBK is suspended and not going to be in the battle royal tonight, which almost ENSURES he'll be kicking someone out over the top rope tonight...
Commercials. Soul Plane? I've actually already seen it, and it blows GOATS. Nice to know people in the theater biz, most of the time... That wasn't one of them.
Kane strides to the ring for a quick squash... Pyro. He'll be facing... Val Venis. Nobody blink, this is gonna be quick. Val starts off with some brawling and is shoved down. Val brawls again, then tries a Side Russian. Kane shrugs him off, and then goes for an elbow drop. Val hops out of the way. They're up, and Val eats the Big Boot - then Chokeslammed and pinned.
Hardy comes out and clotheslines Kane outside, then hits him with a chair and goes back into the ring. Kane follows him in, and then interrupts Matt's charge with a Big Boot and a Chokeslam, then he puts Hardy's head in it and steps on it for the strangle. Ross says, "Matt Hardy's career is fading fast." for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Lita comes running out and tearfully tells Kane the answer is 'Yes'. Kane embraces her from behind and she looks ready to piss her pants. Kane lets her go after whispering something to her and smilingly struts off as she tries to see to Matt's health... Care yet? Me neither.
Commercials. Old people acting 'hip' with today's lingo NEVER works, and certainly not to sell fucking CELLPHONES. Fucking idiots.
WWE is helping to register Republicans this week. Yeah, that makes sense. Like kids are gonna vote for someone who'll get another four years to try and draft them...
Benoit comes out with his straps. Edge comes out next. Ross mentions Edge's old neck injury, so I hereby dub this team the Ca-NECKS.
Evolution comes out with Flair, since it's obvious these four can't POSSIBLY carry a match on their own. Flair: Fossil Lacking Any Integrity. RETIRE.
This is gonna be pretty hectic, kids, and the wing is hurting some... Edge and Orton start it off. They go back and forth with Edge getting the upper hand for most of it. Edge hits a Back Body Drop, then tags Benoit in. Benoit works a little offense (Pun not intended) and Orton tags in Dave. Dave with some beating on the champ, bigboy style. He goes for the cover and gets two. Tag to Orton, who whips Benoit to the opposite corner and tries to charge in - but eats the boot. Benoit drags Orton to the face corner and tags in Edge.
Edge beats on Orton with kneelifts followed by a snapmare which chains to a Reverse Chinlock. Orton sags in it a bit before struggling up and elbowing free. Edge beats on him some more and then Back Body Drops him over the ropes to the outside. Dave comes in. So does Benoit. Benoit and Edge double team Dave and knock him out the ring, too...
Commercials. Click it or Ticket, eh? I always put on my safety belt, anyway, so telling me that I'll get a ticket if I don't won't bother me.
We're back, and it seems during the break Edge speared the ringpost, so Orton's working an armbar. Edge struggles up and punches free, but Orton yanks him to the mat by the hair and tags in Dave. Dave stomps on Edge's shoulder, and then put him in a Hammerlock while on the mat. Dave then picks him up and sends him to the ropes for a Back Body Drop, but Edge kicks him. Dave replies with a clothesline before Edge can tag. Tag to Orton, who stomps on Edge's shoulder some before putting Edge in a sloppy looking Stranglehold Gamma. He gives that up and returns to a simple Armbar. Edge fights loose, so Randy whips him to the ropes. Edge hangs on, so Orton dropkicks the air. Edge gives him a shot with the Edgecution, and that gets two. Edge tries the tag, but Orton stops him and whips him to the ropes for a clothesline. Edge counters with a DDT. Both are down. The ref counts... He gets to eight before Edge tags in Benoit. Benoit with a Snap Suplex on Orton, followed by the Choppy-woo and a Pendulum Backbreaker. It gets two. Benoit goes to the ropes and Dave tries a cheapshot. Benoit knocks Dave off the apron and puts Orton in the Sharpshooter. Dave breaks it up. Bedlam ensues, Ref bump. Orton eats the Triple German after Edge knocks Batista out of the ring. Slow neck cut from Benoit before he goes to the top. Flair tosses Randy the belt, so Benoit headbutts it. Orton covers. It gets two. More bedlam. Edge spears both Orton and Flair (who was behind him on the apron). Dave knocks him out of the ring and follows him out. Edge bounces Dave off the steps. Orton tries the RKO, but Benoit counters with the Crossface. Orton taps.
Eugene's interview is next. Regal's making sure he's up to it, and tells Gene he'll be pulling for him from backstage. Gene wonders why Regal isn't gonna be with him. Regal tells him sometimes a man has to stand for... himself... Gene asks Regal if he's okay. Regal almost tells him that it's a setup, but after saying, "Your Uncle Eric..." he thinks better of it and says, "Your Uncle Eric and I wish you the best of luck." Gene seems appeased, and leaves for the segment. Regal looks like he's sweating bullets. Attaboy. No need to rush it... Slow is fine.
The geek from Tough Enough is gonna do the interview, and Gene's new music is sort of 'Eye of the Tiger' as if played by a six-grade band on a Casio. Gene hugs the geek. The geek begins to ask a question, but Coach comes down the ramp. Ross calls him 'Mr. Sunday Night Heat."
Coach tells Grischom to hit the bricks, since the A team is here now to handle the interview. Coach talks some shit and tells Gene the entire arena was laughing AT him. Coach then tells Gene 'You are not a wrestler - you're a JOKE.' He then tells Gene that everyone on the roster serves a purpose, and Gene's is to be a laughingstock. Coach then tells Gene that he's ashamed to be in the ring with him, and that Gene has no friends. Gene makes with the lower lip quiver. Coach runs Gene down some more. And more. Then reminds him he has no friends again. Then he tells Gene to scram. Gene does, crying kinda. Coach tells him not to bother EVER coming back. Gene waves as he's almost gone.
Then Rock comes out.
Gene can't believe it. Ross can't believe it. Nobody can believe it, despite the fact that Hollywood isn't so far from San Diego... Rock leads Eugene back to the ring to the roaring approval of the crowd. Yeah, me too. As long as it's not Regal running to the rescue yet, I'm cool with it.
Rock tells Eugene that 'You ain't goin' NOWHERE.' He then calls Coach on the carpet - then stops to say the "FINALLY" bit - and goes back to Coach's rundown. He tells Gene that despite what Coach said, there is only ONE MAN that knows the People, and it's not 'this walking popcorn fart' Coach. Nope, it's the People's Champ. Rock came here tonight looking FORWARD to meeting GENE, and that the people truly LIKE Gene. The crowd chants Eugene's name on command. Twice. The crowd chants "Screw the Coach", to the Coach's chagrin. Rock asks if Coach doesn't like it. Coach seems to not, so Rock commands the people to chant 'Popcorn Fart' whenever they see Coach from now on.
Coach tells him that the last time he saw Rocky, he was getting his ass kicked all over the MSG at WMXX. Rock admits he lost that one, and asks if that's what Coach thinks.. Rock gets Gene over, and asks Gene who his favorite wrestler is; Gene tells him 'Triple H'. Rock asks why, and Gene tells him 'Because he likes to play games'. Rock decides to have he and Eugene kick Coach's ass, but Rock is waylaid by Garrison Cade. Coach knocks Eugene out the ring, and then stomps on Rock with Cade. Gene makes the save. Cade is knocked out of the ring. Coach is Rock Bottomed by Rock, then eats the Tardle's Elbow. The crowd cheers.
Jesus, my arm is SINGING right now... Dammit.
(Bobo eats some Tylenol)
Commercials. You can live like a WWe Superstar, if you send Y2Stinger a tape of you imitating one of the WWe guys talking about the drink, or something like that... Details on the <a href="http://www.wwe.com">site</a>. If you're fool enough to send them something like that, send a copy here too. I could use a laugh...
Smackdown Review. Bradshaw gets Eddy arrested. Then they show us that Bradshaw won the match with some snapshots. They 'forgot' to tell us Eddy lost by DQ, as a cheap attempt to get us to watch Smackdown, I guess...
HHH comes to the ring first for the Battle Royal. He's followed by Maven, Y2J, and
Commercials. I wish I was kidding...
We're back. Shelton Benjamin comes out, followed by Kane, Edge, and Evolution. Here on out, I'm gonna just tell you who goes out...
Jonny Nitro by Kane.
Stevie Richards by Edge, I think...
Rosey by Kane.
Hurricane by Kane, but Rosey catches him and tosses him back in.
We're back for more bedlam... Hurricane eliminates Conway.
Val Venis attempts to eliminate Maven, but HHH tosses them both out.
Jericho eliminates Grenier.
Batista eliminate Rhyno after an Evolution gang beatdown.
Orton tosses Hurricane out after a similar 4 on 1 working over.
Flair eliminated by Jericho.
Jericho eliminated by Batista.
Kane chokeslams HHH, then Orton, then Edge, then Benjamin. He and Orton square off. Brawlies, bigboy style.
Edge eliminates Batista, then hits HHH with the Spear.
Orton eliminates Edge after dodging a Spear.
Orton commences a beatdown on Shelton. HHH joins in.
Benjamin refuses all attempts to put him out from a doubleteam, then hits Orton and HHH with a High Crossbody.
Kane's back up. Benjamin knocks him down.
Benjamin eliminates Orton, then hits Kane with a couple Big Splashes.
HHH eliminates Benjamin.
HBK runs out.
HBK eliminates HHH.
Fuck. I'm psychic...
What a crappy ending. Crappy as all HELL, I say. You think this'll make me buy Badd Blood? Kane and Benoit in the Main Event?
You're welcome. See you SOON.